Original subtitles

Let's go.

Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares"

Are you in.

And "Going Dutch"

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've seen on the base.

Let's go, let's go.

All available now.

Are you sure you don't want to take those off?

This is for your work ID badge.

No, thank you.

I feel like these capture my vibe.

And if I take them off, I might spew.

Oh, there's one coming.

No, I gotta go.

Oh.

Gotta go.

Oh, are you...

Okay. Frank, you're next.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna use my old one, I look awesome.

You look 24.

I'm 25.

You can actually see my first rental car

in the background.

Umm...

I'll go.

I lost three pounds, but I gotta go before lunch

because I ordered a real salt bomb.

Can we go full body please.

Uh, no.

Okay. Next.

I call this look, the Spanish puppeteer.

Can someone please

press the button for me?

Just anybody?

Uh, one more for me, please.

For my real estate website.

Just leave some room on the side.

It's for a bus bench.

What? No.

Frank, you're the last one.

It's either this or I can grab

an image from the body cams

and that fish-eye lens does nobody any favors.

Fine.

One, two, three.

Is that Alexander Skarsgård?

No, I get that all the time.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

They're still in there?

I've never been as excited about anything

in my entire life as Emily is about

the groundbreaking for the new kennel.

I've never seen Fiona so engaged.

Well, that doesn't surprise me,

because you seem like a one-move kind of lover.

Well, if it ain't broke.

Oh, and by the way, next time you're at her place,

can you not douse yourself

in that cheap cotton candy perfume?

It lingers in the sheets and makes me feel like

I'm having sex with a dunk tank clown.

If we're making requests could you not leave

your discolored night guard on her bedside table?

The ghost of your smile

haunted me at a very climactic moment.

Hmm, sounds like you guys should probably break up.

Trying to split up

a same-sex couple is homophobic.

- I'm not homophobic. - Yes, you are.

No. I'm not.

I watch RuPaul's Drag Race and yes,

originally I thought it was about stock cars,

but I stuck with it.

Such an ally.

Oh, by the way, I have dibs on Fiona for Saturday.

Fine, but if she's hungover on Sunday,

I get the next three-day weekend.

Hey.

Thank you.

Wow. I'd normally advise against

removing one's shoes in a business meeting,

but I really enjoy

toe testing the artificial grass samples.

Right. The blade count makes a huge difference.

It does. You continue to impress Emily.

Awe.

Now, any last details can be

worked out with my attorney, Alan.

- Right, Alan? - Of course.

I like making him talk.

Nailed it.

Thank you.

Hi. Walk with me, please.

So we don't look suspicious.

So on Saturday, I was thinking we hit the spa.

We start with a body wrap, we end with a body unwrap.

It looks like this sandwich needs a little Frank meat.

Ooh.

Wish I could have another run at that one.

Hmm.

I'm going to Paris today.

No.

I know.

Mm, tough draw, Victoria.

Do you want to do something with me on Sunday?

That is the day after Saturday so, I will still be in Paris.

Oh, right. Because of the time change.

I'm going to really miss you both.

Oh my god.

That was the sexiest handshake of my life.

Yeah, how did she do that with her thumb?

Hey, can we talk for a second?

Who are you?

Miss Holcomb's attorney.

Listen... it's just not working.

What's not working?

You and Miss Holcomb and Miss Holcomb and you.

First part I get. Second part is absurd.

I regret to inform you.

Miss Holcomb no longer wishes to continue her relationship

with either of you.

She was... Are we being dumped?

By the Ghost of Orville Redenbacher?

You both have 24 hours to collect your personal things

from Miss Holcomb's residence.

After that, your key fobs

will no longer get you on the property.

I'm so sorry. This is never easy.

I...

Well, finally got boned by Fiona at the same time.

♪ Rub-a-dub-a-dub

♪ it's a dooggy in a tub

Hey. So Maya gave me till midnight for boys night.

So we're good to watch Die Hard 2

as long as we start by 9:07.

Can I run something by you?

Yeah, of course.

How would you feel about introducing a third?

I already crunched the numbers, no time for Die Hard 3.

No, I mean, having a third boy to boys night.

Specifically... Parker.

Our former squatter?

My current roommate.

He's the secret sauce to having a good time.

He's like, if one and a half beers was a person.

I only get one boys night a quarter.

I need my one and a half beers to be actual beers.

Buddy, I'm just gonna say it.

He's a little magical.

He almost made our house disappear.

Our friendship, it's a delicate ecosystem,

a coral reef.

But he... he's... he's global warming.

No.

He's global cooling, the reef will thrive.

So, are we doing this?

Great.

You're gonna love him.

Why'd you bring so much work stuff here?

This isn't work stuff.

Oh, you scared her off.

I'm collateral damage because you're a sex freak.

You left not one,

but two discolored night guards

in her bedside drawer.

I chew through one of these every couple of months.

My periodontist is super impressed.

Who breaks up with someone through a lawyer?

Yeah. Did our meaningless sex

mean anything to her?

We should, like, key her private jet.

You know, it's too bad that there's only two of us.

Because we could just drink all her pricey wine.

There could be more of us.

Like a party?

Yeah.

Yeah, but we'd have to keep it hidden from Emily.

But, yeah, I could text a few buddies.

Short notice.

Short notice because you'd have to make

a few buddies first.

My first text will be to Janet

and the Hellraisers at the community garden.

Unless they're wiped out from pulling an all-nighter

looking for evening primrose.

Okay, whatever. I just invited 200 people.

Hmm. Maybe it's better to call Janet than text.

She uses mostly a landline.

And if I'm talking really loud,

it's cause she's very hard of hearing.

She sounds great.

These are dry rubs with 37 spices.

Hope you enjoy.

Yeah, do you have ketchup?

Ketchup.

A man who knows what he wants.

Okay, you're not even trying.

I know for a fact you don't even like ketchup.

You once referred to it as aioli for a--

Maybe I developed a taste for it.

All right, here's that ketchup, man.

Also made you an old fashioned.

Shred mentioned it was your favorite.

Yeah, well, I have a lot of favorites.

Mmm, wow.

Yo. Frank just invited us to a party

and it's at a mansion.

That doesn't sound like Frank. That's spam.

Do not reply.

Listen, listen.

The worst thing in life is to wake up

and have somebody come up and ask

Hey, did you catch that meteor shower last night?

Right now, the meteor shower has landed in our laps.

So what are we gonna do? We're gonna let it sit there

and burn a hole in our pants or what?

Okay, if I say yes to go,

I can't go in my daughter's XL camp shirt.

Look at this thing.

That's what we call a solvable problem.

- Come on, man. - Let's finish up those... wings.

I made, like, a dozen.

Yeah, and they were like, whatever.

Uh oh. Nice suit, Carl.

Frank didn't mention a dress code,

but it's always best to overdress.

Dress code? For what?

A... a restaurant Frank recommended.

Oh. What restaurant?

Italian.

It's called Italian.

Yes, it is.

Huh.

No need to Yelp

because it's untraceable on the internet.

That's how new it is.

I still can't believe I got in.

Yeah.

Milady.

Huh. Okay.

Oh.

Close call with the boss. See you at Fiona's.

MapQuest says 27 minutes, but I drive slow.

What the hell?

Oh, of course, Carl uses MapQuest.

Okay, Frank.

Pick up.

Oh, straight to voicemail. Great.

Really, Frank, you're screening my calls.

Okay, I don't know what's going on,

but I hope you're making smart choices.

Let's go! We got a party party!

Yeah!

Okay. Parker. Shred. Patel.

This three-headed party beast needs a name,

and I'm just going to throw it out there.

PSP.

Yeah.

Do not include me in a crew name.

I got one foot out the door.

I feel ridiculous in this shirt.

You don't look ridiculous, though.

You look ri-dic-ulous. You know what I'm saying?

Come on now.

Hey.

Patel, I'm loving the look.

It's very Mykonos meets school drop off.

Parker, this is Victoria and Frank.

You have a lovely home.

Oh, thank you. It's not ours.

Um, so the bar is over there, priceless artwork over there.

Kind of scattered, really.

Um... use your judgment. Have fun.

I have fun wherever I go, It's a gift and a curse.

Funerals must be confusing.

They are the worst... and the best.

Okay. PSP. Three G and T's.

BRB.

It's just PS. My P's not fully on board.

Also, it's loud in here. It's really loud.

I'm feeling really good, like revenge-wise.

Yeah.

Do you know what would be a great capper?

If we both hooked up with other people

in her house.

You must have been terrifying as a teenager.

Thank you.

I love this plan.

Yeah, there's a lot of great options here.

Hello. Hey.

I take it that's your gardening crew.

Oh, it's Janet and the dirty boys are here!

I heard the rhubarb came in.

Who wants pie?!

How was Italian, Carl?

Uh... move.

Um, I've been instructed

not to let anyone in without the password.

Is the password, you're fired.

Okay... um...

let... let me just talk to the guys inside

and see what I can do.

Okay, fine. But just hurry.

No, he didn't.

Carl!

Carl, let me in!

Let me in!

Oh!

Oh, okay.

Wow.

Okay.

Anyone catching your eye?

Don't point, you, dingus!

Let's go and talk to her.

Are you trying to wingman me right now?

'Cause I'm good.

You're talking to the same guy

that got handpicked from a concert crowd

to go backstage and meet Paula Abdul.

Recently? Or...

Yeah. I didn't think so. Let's go.

I'm just gonna talk to her?

Hi! You're tall.

My friend, Frank, is tall, too.

You guys should meet.

Hey, I'm Blair.

Hey, I can run a six-minute mile

with a dog under each arm.

Just to clarify, he's talking about saving animals,

not stealing them.

He's a terrible flirt and a little bit snarky,

but other than that, he's... he's great.

I'm not mad at a little snark.

Oh, well, then you're gonna love my thoughts

on people who refer to sandwiches as sandos.

Huh? What about sammies?

Ha-ha.

Yuck.

This shirt breathes better than I expected.

You're the one breathing. Breathe it in... life!

Oh! I know this song!

It's from one of the Trolls movies.

Probably the prequel. That soundtrack goes hard.

Hey!

Oh, there he goes.

Hey, watch out, that's my guy Patel right there.

Watch out!

Uh-uh, don't take the temperature of the room, P.

Don't do it to him, bro. Do not.

I have only seen him move like this one time

when he was being stung by yellow jackets.

Whatever you did, I'm impressed.

Nah, the moves were inside of him all along.

I just gave him a little bump.

Oh, you got a little bump from me.

I got one for you.

Oh, that's not what I meant, but that's so fun.

So fun.

I had no idea that ferrets were so vicious.

Oh, yeah. Once they burrow up your pant leg, it's over.

Halt! Halt!

Okay, halt! Everybody halt!

Okay, halt the party!

Halt the party!

Victoria, I see you.

Frank, do not move.

Everyone else, form an orderly line.

Okay. And we're just gonna exit calmly.

That's a nice dance move.

Ah!

No, it's not a dance move. It's... no.

Hey!

It's emergency protocol.

All right. Who told Emily?

Seriously! Not cool, guys!

Huh.

Wave your hands to the calmly exit.

Okay, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed

and upset and angry and betrayed.

We have only 27 business days to go to the groundbreaking.

And I'm scaling ivy patches.

We didn't think you would want to come

to a secret party at Fiona's.

Okay, so this is a secret party?

She doesn't know about this?

We're breaking and entering, then.

I'm complicit in a B and E!

Okay, I'm way too drunk to, um, keep lying.

So we were sleeping with Fiona.

What?!

Together?!

No! That's unprofessional, separately.

But discussed via work email.

Oh, cheese and crackers!

Oh, don't worry,

because Alan called off the whole thing.

You were sleeping with Alan, too?

No little jump there.

So he just handled the paperwork,

including the NDA, which we are now breaking

because, like, honestly, we just...

we love and trust you.

Girl, I want a hug.

No. No, don't you hug me. Don't you dare hug me.

You are risking the kennel for this.

Okay, we need to get everyone out right now.

Hey, DJ, could you please play something

to get everyone's attention?

I saw that one coming.

A casino in the basement? This party rocks!

That's sick.

Jack?

Dude!

- How are ya? - Hey.

Oh my goodness.

What's up?

Parker, this is our old vet tech, Jack.

What?

You don't look that old to me.

I drink a lot of water.

The game is craps. Y'all want to play?

P, you can't lose tonight. Do the honors.

You got it.

What the heck?

That's a lot of money.

It's on you.

Come on!

Woohoo!

Oh!

And with that, we keep it moving.

Yeah, we keep it moving.

All right.

You know, guys, I'll catch up with you.

You want some more?

I can't leave on a winning roll.

- Hey. - Hi.

Hi, sorry about that.

My boss is trying to shut down the party,

but she's bad at it, so we have time.

Why is this her house?

No, no, it's my ex's,

but it's all good she's not here.

She's in Paris.

This is a revenge rager for breaking up with us.

Us?

Oh, yeah. My coworker and I.

Because it sounds awesome to be in a three-way,

but it was a hassle, like NDAs and scheduling.

Uh... no, thank you.

I was just trying to get back into the game

after my last thing.

She was a stalker.

I don't know why this is so complicated.

I had a great relationship with my mom.

She's dead.

If this is gonna happen, you're gonna have to talk less.

I don't have to talk at all.

Shh.

Come on. It's not hard to hit a 10.

Hit a 10!

Seven.

Oh!

Hey, what's going on?

He's down $5,000.

What? Patel? Dude, you're a city employee.

You can't afford this.

You lost all your magic

when you took your party shirt off.

Nope, I did not take my party shirt off.

I lost it in the game.

Why did you tell me that I can't lose?

I'm not built for that kind of confidence.

Okay, hey. You're lashing out.

You're scared.

We get it. We're here for you.

PSP will get through this.

There's no more PSP. I'm pulling my P.

My P is pulled.

You're charging up a lot of negative thoughts,

and I'm not sure that's the headspace

we want to be in on boys night.

Don't even get me started on boys night.

Out! Out! You get out! You get out!

You please get out. These aren't fun sprays.

These are dispersal sprays.

Please get out .

You get out! You...

Did you play an actual record scratch?

It's an option in my smart house app.

You weren't supposed to be back yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did the Icelandic volcanic eruption

that made my jet turn around

conflict with your plans to trash my house.

A little bit.

No, Fiona, we were not going to trash your house.

Your house is still a beautiful house

and we were all just heading out.

Right, everybody.

Everybody out.

Everyone out.

That's what I had said.

This is not cool, guys.

Oh, not cool?

Kind of like dumping us through a lawyer.

You signed NDAs.

This was not a real relationship

because neither of you are ready for that.

What does that mean?

You give off a strong, emotionally stunted,

just down for a good time vibe.

You give off a very very strong dominatrix vibe in a good way.

Look, this was fun and then disappointing,

and now it's veering into illegal.

Hey, can I get a new set of headphones?

I sat on mine.

Fiona, I'm so, so sorry.

This definitely got out of hand.

You are their boss.

This is totally unprofessional.

I don't know if sleeping with two of my employees

is super professional.

They don't work for me.

Yeah, but you kind of have power over them.

I mean, you're providing funding for a huge project, so...

If you don't want to take my money,

I don't have to give it to you.

Okay.

What does that mean?

Um.... I'm waffling, but I think it means

that I don't want your money

if you're going to treat people like that.

Um, yeah.

No, that's... that's definitely what that means.

I think you're going to regret this, Emily.

Yeah, I definitely already do,

because money is, like, very, very hard to come by.

But, um, at least I'm trusting my gut with decisive courage.

You finally read chapter 12 of my book.

I did, and it was amazing. I'm such a huge fan.

Just get out.

Yeah, okay.

Parker, I mean, this is not necessarily a negative way,

but I wish you were never born.

Whoa.

It's okay, buddy, let it out.

No, I'm not your buddy. I'm not your boy.

Everything bad that happened tonight is your fault.

Dude, he kind of just encouraged you

to take one roll and then leave.

Well, that's not how I remember it.

He charmed me into believing in myself,

which is not cool.

I obviously didn't do well enough

because you've got giving-up eyes.

See that? Giving up.

You see, I think you got one move left in you.

But only you know what that move is, P.

My gut is to place one more huge bet,

win all my money back.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

Jack! We love to request a double or nothing.

No dice.

Emily took them.

Dang.

I'm done dabbling in games of chance.

It's time for feats of strength.

I'll bet you $5,000

I can eat six of those rhubarb pies.

They're yours if you want them.

Let's dance, pie guy.

Put ten minutes on the clock.

Buddy, why would you give yourself

a time limit for this?

That's my curfew.

Also, I can go home smelling like pastries.

I mean, hell, she would be suspicious if I didn't,

but I can't go home 5K in the hole.

Eat it.

PSP, PSP, PSP!

Em, I'm really, really, really sorry.

I hear that and I heard it the first four times you said it.

It doesn't sound like it's trending

towards getting us in less trouble.

Yeah, it is not.

I guess we were being selfish,

which reminds me, I walked out of there

with a very expensive bottle of wine

in my underwear.

Give me that.

You two owe me a kennel.

Victoria's very sorry for everything she's done.

Oh no. Do it!

Come on.

Swallow that pie, boy.

Let's go.

You really do work with animals.

Oh, don't worry, most of them have had their shots.

That's my boy right there!

Let's go!

Do you want some ice cream?

Not now, Janet.

That's not what's happening.

Five.

PSP for life!

Four. Three. Two. One.

Come on!

That's what I'm talking about!

Yeah! Let's go man!

You know.

I don't know if it's the emotional release

of the night or...

if I have a rhubarb allergy, but,

thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I mean, that was incredible.

And the first time I've enjoyed watching him eat.

Well, people can do incredible things

when they believe in themselves

and when they have crippling debt.

I love your vibe. What are you doing now?

PSP. It's been real.

- Bye. - All right.

PSP. PSP.

My place.

Yes.

Frank...

Before you head out,

is that the mystery woman you've been dating?

No, the mystery woman was Fiona.

What?!

Hell of a night, everybody! Hell of a night!

Really hoping this isn't a butt dial

in the middle of your rebound.

No. I added two-factor authentication

after I accidentally called my Nan

during a four-handed massage.

How did it go with that tall lady?

Yeah well, she really didn't like it when I talked,

and that bummed me out, so I called it off.

You have fun with Parker?

Yeah. Yeah, we had a laugh.

It was cool.

Um, I don't know. I think I'm just tired.

Yeah, it can be exhausting being emotionally stunted.

Where does she get off saying that stuff?

She's a lunatic,

with questionable taste in female partners.

I think tall lady just didn't like you talking

because your gardening stories are so boring.

Oh, I don't bring up gardening in the wooing stage.

I save that strictly for pillow talk.

Hello?

Oh, sorry, I just nodded off.

Oh, and what did you and Parker talk about?

Current trends and interest rates?

Good night, Frank.

'Night.