Original subtitles

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanation ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- Oh, so hot. Oh, so sweaty.

Sweat dripping off of my 10-year-old Johnson.

This is not worth the $40.

- Oh, Tommy, thank you so much.

Look at you! You're such a doll.

- Oh, no problem. That's gonna be 40 bucks.

- Oh my gosh! I love your industrious spirit,

but here is a plate of brownies for your trouble.

- What do you mean? Brownies instead of--

- instead of money?

- I'm just a little short on cash right now.

- I just mowed the lawn for two hours.

- Sweetheart, you shouldn't be helping neighbors

for the money, okay? You should be helping them

for the exchange of goodwill and good brownies!

Bye-bye, Tommy!

- I'm saying no. What's happening?

- Bye sweetheart! B-bye!

- "B-bye"?

Oh, what a day.

This is not a quality lawnmower at all, is it?

- Excuse me, kid.

- Me?

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

- I was just walking home.

- No, what you're doing is stealing clients

by undercutting my prices.

- Stealing clients? I'm 10. - Oh-ho!

You're one of these kids who likes to hide behind math!

- What's happening?

- You're stealing food from my family.

- No. - That job...

- Stop.

- Could've been a hot meal...

- Stop. - On my son's plate.

- Hey, Tom. - Oh, hey, Randy.

- Yeah, Tom. Why did you steal my dinner?

- No, you've got it all wrong.

I literally got paid in brownies.

I didn't even get money. - Oh!

Great, so you stole my dessert. That's even worse.

- You steal desserts!

A child's reward for what he does, you steal!

- What just happened?

- Whoo, Tom, these are incredible!

This is even better than money.

- I don't know about that. - Tom, if I've taught you

one thing as a mother, what is it?

- You can't eat money? - Exactly.

Keep these brownies coming.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, hi, Denise. What's up, girl?

Why yes, Tom is mowing lawns for baked goods.

- Oh, no! Don't encourage that.

- Will he mow your lawn for a Bundt cake?

- Give me the phone. - Of course he will!

We'll put you down for Saturday.

Take care, Denise.

- Oh my God! Denise! - Too late.

- Mom, I don't think you have the authority

to accept jobs on my behalf. That's against the law.

- Tom, I'm your mom.

I have complete and unchecked authority over you.

- No, let's call the mayor.

Let's call somebody. What's going on here?

- Let's call--hey! Call the mayor.

- Oh, my God. - Hi, Rick.

It's funny you ask, Rick. Tom is accepting new clients.

- No, no, no. - Sure.

Snickerdoodles. That sounds great.

- Snickerdoodles?

- I'll put you down for Saturday.

- Rick...

- He's gonna love working for baked goods.

- Woot, woot! - Kids, follow your dreams.

Good things will happen.

Aim high.

- That was inspiring.

Wow. Listen to that stuff, kids!

Next up to tell us

He is a landscaper. He works with mulch and trees.

- Oh, no. - Give it up for Mr. Miller.

- Kids, remember this face,

because it is the face of failure.

Look at it! All of you!

Don't avert your eyes!

I had a successful business, and then Tom here...

- Oh, no. Leave me out of this.

- ...swooped in and stole all my clients.

- I didn't swoop.

- I can't find work, and my son can't eat.

- I'm hungry, Dad. - Randy, please...

- I'm starving, Papa!

- That felt preplanned. - I know you are.

But I can't provide for my family

because of Tom, Randy.

- All right, listen, everyone. I feel terrible.

If there's anything I can do, just say the word.

- Can we crash at your house? We're being evicted.

- No, that's a bit much. Good luck, though.

Hope you guys find something.

If you need anything, just say the word.

- Can we crash at your house?

- If you need anything other than shelter,

other than housing...

- Tom, you just said, "If there's anything I can do."

- No, that's a figure of speech.

I was just making small talk.

- Small talk? These people need shelter!

- And isn't your dad in, like, Myrtle Beach or something,

so you actually have plenty of room?

- Tom, why do you hate my dad's business?

Why do you hate our family? Why did you steal my dinner?

- All right, you know what?

My mom is not big on houseguests,

but I feel like she's gonna understand.

Our home is your home.

- You want to have a belching contest?

- That's good!

I win again!

- How long are you two staying again?

- There was no end date.

Wake up, Tom!

- What's happening? Why? What?

- We're playing Jenga! Come on.

- You woke me up for Jenga?

- What? "Some pulp"?

Okay, I guess I'm "some happy" right now.

Jesus.

- ♪ I'm washing my body with a great soap ♪

♪ Even though the American empire's collapsing ♪

- In sports, the International Basketball League was busy

last night with several games on the schedule...

- You know what, guys? Take this the right way,

but I find you people so annoying,

and I think we need to wrap this up.

- You're throwing us out? - Yup.

- Even though I have no way to earn a living?

- Look, there's plenty of jobs out there.

What skills do you have besides landscaping?

- What are your top skills? - My top skill?

- Yeah. - Crying.

- Oh, come on.

- That's learnable.

- I don't work well with others.

- That's a problem. - I have no grasp

on basic communication skills, okay?

- That's true.

- I also refuse to wear

a uniform or a suit.

- You're really limiting your options.

- This weekend, we're holding open auditions

for "New Jersey's Got Talent"! Come on, Jersey.

Show us what you got. Top prize is $1 million!

- That's it. You can sing. - That's your career.

- Me? I'm no singer.

- I heard you in the shower. You're great.

- You think I could sing professionally?

- If it gets you out of my house, I really do.

- Me too. I think you can do it.

- Tom will even join you at the audition

to make sure it goes well.

- Oh no, I'm not joining anyone.

I don't join things.

- Tom, you bankrupted my father.

The least you can do is tag along and clap.

- Yo, Tom! - Oh, Nelson.

Hey, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

You guys are all auditioning?

- Of course. - I'm doing my magic act.

Watch this. Whoa!

Oh! A quarter?

- Oh, my God, that was amazing.

- Man. That's magic, brother.

- Principal, what kind of act do you do?

- It sounds boring, but it's--

I do a tap dance routine with my dog.

- Wow. Lot of good acts. Lot of strong acts.

- What are you doing, Tom?

I didn't know you had any talents.

- Oh, I'm not talented, no. I'm just here to make sure

the landscaper's audition goes well.

- What? - He moved into our house

with his son. Now I'm helping him...

- What? - Reinvent his career.

It's a long story.

- If I had a penny for all your stories,

I would have a-- ah-oh--a quarter!

- That's good. It gets me every time.

- I think I'm ready.

- Thank you for coming in. - Thank you.

- Next up, I've got a Mr. Miller.

- Thanks for seeing me.

My passion is to write and sing original songs,

mostly about landscaping. Here we go.

♪ Leaf Blower blow me home ♪

♪ Blow me a mil-- ♪

- Thank you. Thank you for coming in.

- Oh, you didn't like it? - Oh, no, no.

You have a lovely voice.

There's just no market for landscaping ballads.

Just a tough genre, if you know what I mean.

- At least let the guy finish the song.

He waited for hours.

- And who are you?

- I'm Tom. I'm his landlord.

- That's funny.

Now, this kid has an interesting look.

And look at his brother. What a pair.

- Oh, no, we're not brothers.

- No, yeah, we have an open disdain for each other.

- I love the banter. What a family.

- We're not a family.

- But we do live under the same roof, Tom.

- Yeah. We don't like each other.

There's constant discontent. We're a family.

- What if you do this act, but as a boy band?

- What? No.

- A boy band that includes one of the dads?

I mean, it's never been done.

- Love it. Fresh idea. - Genius.

- That sounds like the worst act ever.

- Why don't you not tell me how to do my business, kid?

Come back in next week, because you guys are in round one.

- What? No, no, no. - Yes.

- Son, our problems are over.

All right, here we go. Ready?

Hit it!

♪ I'm here mowing lawns ♪

♪ And applying mulch ♪ - ♪ Mulch ♪

- ♪ And I'm blowing people's leaves ♪

- ♪ I'm here ♪ - Blowing leaves.

- ♪ But it's no fun when you're not here ♪

- Oh, my God. What am I seeing?

- ♪ I think it's time to leave ♪

- Blow me from here.

- Okay. Stop the music. Tom!

- What's wrong? - You need to sell it.

- I was snapping, snapping and dancing.

- Big smile. Snap like you mean it.

- Tom, can I have a word with you, buddy?

- All right, you guys practice. I'm gonna go talk to Nelson.

- Here we go. Here we go. All right, you ready?

- Hey, buddy. What's up?

- Hey, what are you doing? - What am I doing?

I joined a family-based boy band

that sings about landscaping. We made it to round one.

Good shot at the million dollars, I think.

- Big smile! - Tom, Tom...

- Randy, what are you doing?

- Tom. - You okay?

Why are you rubbing your temples?

- You're not winning anything. - All right.

Sounds like you're jealous, so I'm--

- Jealous? Come on, man.

Haven't you seen those shows?

You guys are the "token bad act."

- Token bad act? What does that even mean?

- They bring you on the show

so they can make fun of you.

- That's why we're on the show? - It's a setup.

- Oh, no. This is not good at all.

- Randy. - If you can't snap,

you don't belong in the business.

- I'm telling you, man. I'm gonna be honest with you.

You need to bail on this.

I can't be friends with a guy

in a landscaping boy band.

- I appreciate the talk, but I gotta be honest.

My gut is saying go for it.

- Tom, you're wearing a jumpsuit,

snapping and dancing. - Yeah?

- You clearly don't make good decisions in life.

- Tom, you have outdone yourself.

I can't believe they sent a limo!

- They do it for all on-camera talent.

- What now? - And it's not a limo.

It's a nasty old town car.

- In my opinion, if it's got a glass wall,

it's a limo, and please zip it.

- Enjoy. - I'm proud of you, Tom.

- Thank you.

- 'Cause not only are you getting these lunatics

out of our house, you could also win $1 million.

- Mom, don't get your hopes up.

I don't think our act is that strong, to be honest.

- Hello?

Actually, my son cannot mow your lawn today.

- Oh, no, I can. - Go ahead, fire him.

Your Bundt cake sucks anyway. Bye, bitch.

- You can't do that. - Millionaires don't mow lawns.

Ya heard?

Hello. No, Tom can't make it.

- I'll be there.

- He said, and I quote,

"Tell Mrs. Ryan

to shove her weedwhacker straight up her own crack."

I know, kids these days.

- All right, buddy. I just need to mic you up.

- Oh, okay. Showbiz. Very exciting.

- Hey, where are your dad and brother?

- I have no idea.

- What do you mean? - We're not a tight family.

- Oh, you've got to be shitting me!

We need them. - What?

- You're on in 10 minutes. - Oh.

- We're gonna have to call them.

- Okay. - Here.

- Hello?

- Where are you? We go on in 10 minutes.

- Can't hear you, Tom.

I'm mowing a lawn.

- You're mowing a lawn?

- I've been flooded with calls today, Tom.

All my clients want me back.

- No.

- They said you're unreliable

and rude, Tom.

And your mom told them off.

- Oh, no... - Remember, Tom.

Snap with conviction and big smiles.

- Thanks, Dad. See you later.

- Okay, where are they?

- I know this isn't what you want to hear.

We're gonna have to cancel. - Wait, sorry.

Cancel? We don't do that.

You're going out there right now.

- That was wonderful. Wasn't that wonderful, folks?

That was fun.

Well, our next act should be

a real crowd-pleaser, too.

His name is Tom.

He's a former member

of a family-based boy band,

but now he's striking out on his own,

dancing and snapping to landscaping music.

- I forget the lyrics... Something about mulch?

Oh, my God. This is...

- Oh, what's that? Look, a quarter.

- Can I get off the stage?

What happens now?

- Excuse me. Is that your son up there?

Because he is very bad.

- No, my son died in a weed-whacking accident.

I don't know who this kid is.

♪ ♪