Original subtitles

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- Guys, can we have an honest talk?

I get it, you're little kids,

and when it comes to art, you're kind of phoning it in.

But what the eff am I looking at here?

Nelson, is that the Statue of Liberty

or Joy Behar holding a flashlight?

- You know what? I'll take another pass at it.

- Dakota, does that look like a banana to you

or a yellow Johnson?

- What's a Johnson?

- I'm--that is not my responsibility.

And, Tom. - Hey there.

- Yeah, uh, if you draw another sunset,

I'm gonna blow my brains out. - Okay.

- I try to encourage you kids, but, Tom,

you might be the worst artist who's ever lived.

- Oh, no, my mom disagrees.

She said I'm like her little Picasso.

- This is the problem,

these overly supportive parents.

- She's just saying I'm great. She's just saying I'm--

- I'm gonna say this to help,

but Picasso had more talent in his rear end

than you have in your entire body.

- Nah, his rear end couldn't even hold a pencil.

- Sure, it could. - How?

- If he clenched at the right angle...

- That's a stretch.

- His butt could easily hold a pencil.

- I don't think he could even see the canvas from that angle.

- Am I really having this conversation? Ugh!

- Oh, my God. - Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, my God.

- Mrs. Fern? - What?

- You seem really stressed out. Are you okay?

- Yeah, here's the deal, you guys.

Gather round.

The arts program is at risk of being defunded.

- Oh.

- So I need you kids

to start showing results,

or I could be out of a job.

- We love you, Mrs. Fern. We're gonna try harder, okay?

- Your assignment is to draw something

that shows your school spirit, okay?

Could be a classroom, a soccer field.

- Can I just bang out a sunset, or--

- No! No sunsets!

- Okay, Wendy, Tom's gonna have fun with his art stuff.

Got a date with a dentist named Kenny.

He's pretty boring, but hey, free dinner.

- I don't need to know all that.

- That's fair, Wendy. Okay, guys, have fun.

- All right, have fun on the weird date.

- Oh, hey, Tomas. - I don't go by Tomas.

- How's your art project?

- My art teacher said if Picasso would put a brush

into his rear end, he could paint better than I can.

- That's terrible.

Kids should be encouraged with their creativity.

- No, I shouldn't be. I'm really bad.

- Let me help. I'm an artist. Let me just take a look.

Okay, and-- - What are you doing?

- Oh, wow. - Don't touch it.

Don't touch it. - Ah, yes.

- Can you stop? No, no, no.

- Oh, wow, now it's popping. - Please.

- Oh, okay, the muse is here.

- Wait, is this helping, or are you just doing it?

- The muse is here! - Where's my mom?

Where's the emergency number?

You really have to put the art down. I've gotta--

- Tom, artists have assistants help all the time.

- I'm literally doing nothing. I'm eating string cheese.

- It's called a stringed cheese, okay?

You don't nibble on it like some sort of monster.

Okay, Tom? - Yeah.

- Now you are done.

- Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- You did that, Tom. Wow.

- Me? I can't hand that in. I didn't draw anything.

- We were both here, and the art happened.

So, like, who's to say who even did what?

Oh, Tom, please, don't eat it that way.

- Okay, kids, I'm seeing signs of improvement,

but this is really not, uh, "moving the needle."

- Yeah, Nelson, what am I looking at here?

- You know what? To be honest, I feel like this piece just--

it's just really getting away from me.

- Dakota, did my whole anti-banana speech

not get through to you?

- I'm just not a creative person.

That's the bottom line.

- Yeah, no kidding.

Wow! Wait a minute.

Is this--Tom, you did this?

- You know, I believe I did. - Kind of blown away here.

- I think your mean-spirited, harsh criticism

really, uh, inspired me.

- Class, this is talent.

Compared to Tom, the rest of you look like idiots.

- I wouldn't say that.

- Tom's read end is a better artist than some of you.

- Enough with the rear end comparisons.

Not everyone reacts to that.

- Tom, you are what we call a prodigy.

- No. - And you

are gonna save this arts program.

You are a hero and a legend.

Hey, Principal! Look at what Tom did!

I'm teaching a genius in here.

- She really needs to find a middle ground

with her feedback, don't y'all think?

- First of all, thank you for coming in.

And, uh, ooh, I hate to ask this, but who are you?

- He's Kenny. - He's a dentist I'm dating.

It's not a big deal. He likes to tag along.

- I'm actually a periodontist, which deals more

with the gums and bone-- - Yeah, okay.

I mean, he's boring as hell, but he's very loaded.

Anyway, 'sup?

- I am so excited about Tom's talent.

- Oh, no. - I'm being told

he's an art prodigy.

- No, I'm not. No, please.

I literally drew one squirrel.

- Here's the deal.

The superintendent of schools

is threatening to yank our funding for the arts program.

- What? That's terrible.

- And she calls me an idiot in front of the kids,

and I don't show it bothers me, but it really does!

- What a terrible bitch. - That's insulting.

- Yes! So I want to use Tom's art to stick it to her,

you know? - What?

- So--yeah, show her that I'm getting results here.

- Sounds like you've got some personal issues to deal with.

- Listen, Tom--

- Can we leave me out of whatever weird stuff's

going on here? I just--no? - Oh, Tom.

- Yeah? - Look at me.

- Kenny, say something. - Uh, you know--

- All right, it's, like, a tiny favor.

- No.

- Just draw me a huge mural on the gym that covers...

- Please. - The entire rear wall.

- No. - It's of the school...

- Stop. - And it includes

all the teachers... - It's a nightmare.

- With me on the front steps looking heroic.

- Kenny! - If you draw it normal size,

we can just blow it up. Have fun with it.

- I really think you're overestimating my talent.

- Principal, is there any money involved here?

- Go along with this, I'll slip you a few grand on the side.

- I think we're in. - Oh, no.

- You know what? It pays to have

an art prodigy for a son.

- You know, some people say periodontal work

is an art form. - Just be cool.

- Kenny, be cool. - Okay.

- You should chime in less often.

- Please. - Sorry.

- Hey, uh, babysitter? - Oh, hi.

Weird, weird, seeing you in a different context.

Wow, okay, let me get there.

- Can we just kinda talk one-on-one?

You know, like, babysitter to baby?

- Mm, I'm working but, uh-- - Real quick, here's the thing.

I think you might have overencouraged me

with my art. - Uh-huh.

- Now everyone thinks I'm, like, a prodigy of sorts.

- Oh, I'm glad I could help. - No, it's not help.

It's a nightmare. They've commissioned me

to do a mural, and I can't do it.

I need you to do it again.

- Okay, Tom, I get paid for my work.

Last time, I was on the clock.

- You were on the clock for babysitting.

- Yes, it was a paid job. - No.

- So if you need me to draw again,

you're gonna have to get out your checkbook.

- Can I be honest? - Sure.

- I kind of see you as, like, a second mom.

- Tom. - We're practically family.

- You called me Babysitter when you came in.

- I call my mom Mom. I don't call her...

whatever her first name is.

- Oh, Tomas, come on, please.

I sat on your couch for three hours,

put you to bed, and then smoked weed in your bathroom.

So I think you're vastly overestimating

how tight we are.

- Oh, this is not good. This is not good.

Oh, think, Tom, think.

What would Picasso's rear end do?

What would Picasso's rear end do?

- Tom, what kind of entrance is that?

- Did I walk into your house? I'm sorry.

- Most people say hi or hello.

You're gonna walk into-- - I don't have time for "hi"s.

I don't have time for "hello"s.

I need to create an epic drawing

filled with detail, texture, and nuance of the school

by tomorrow. - So draw it. You the best.

- I'm not the best. - What?

- I'm the worst. - What do you mean?

- I'm terrible. It's all a lie, Nelson.

I'm not a good painter. - Oh!

- The babysitter drew it for me.

- You know what? That makes more sense.

- You thought I was a good artist.

How long have you known me?

- Sometimes it good to have hope in people.

- Am I too young to drink? What do you have here?

- Tom, Tom, stop! - MARTINI & ROSSI?

What is this? - Look at yourself!

You're spiraling out of control, brother.

- Do people drink Schnapps these days?

Is that still popular? - Schnapps? Calm down.

I ain't gonna let you go this low.

I got something for you. Follow me.

Screaming out, "Picasso," that's offensive.

We're a Basquiat household.

Yeah, my dad is a big art collector.

Feast your eyes. - Oh, wow, now, that's art.

I feel like I'm in the Louvre.

- Yeah, don't it have that feeling to it?

- Oh, my--this is amazing.

- If he dies, I get all this.

Is your dad in all of them, or is he--

- Yeah, man, and maybe this guy--you know,

he does great work of my dad,

so maybe he could do this work for you.

- You think this artist would do my assignment for me?

- Let's take a trip to the arts district.

- Shady Oaks has an arts district?

- Yeah, SOAD, Shady Oaks Arts District.

- Can you ride your bide there?

- Yeah, you just go over the railroad tracks...

- Okay. - Cut down by the junkyard...

- Junkyard. - Through the prostitutes.

- Prostitutes, okay.

- Once you make it through drug dealers row...

- We have--okay.

- And go behind the Walgreens

and cut through the pedophiles' playground...

- They've cleaned that up quite a bit.

- You're at SOAD, the Shady Oaks Arts District.

- Let's make a trip to SOAD.

- Oh, wow, this

really is out there, isn't it?

- Yeah, come on. I need you to keep up.

- Are we still in Shady Oaks? - Yeah, we're in Shady Oaks.

We're just more on the shady side of Shady Oaks.

- Yeah, really a lot of open-air sex acts.

Oh, my God.

- - Don't make eye contact.

- Yeah, look down. - Don't make eye contact.

- Look down. - Oh, did you see that?

Was that a speed bump or a rat?

- Not much of a district, is it?

- Yeah, it needs at least a coffee shop,

if nothing else.

- Hi, are you the nude model or the Chinese food?

Either way, take off your clothes and come on up.

- What? - No, no, no, no, no.

It's Nelson. - Nelson and Tom.

- My dad's the one who commissioned a painting

of himself on a horse. - Say no more.

I smell money from up here. Buzzing you in.

- Really an odd personality for an artist.

- Yeah, stay close.

- Hey, guys, intercom's still on.

I can hear you. Come on up!

- Hey, we're coming up.

Oh, wow, look at this studio.

- Oh, that's nice.

- What are you guys looking to buy?

More art for your dad?

- Oh, no, actually, we're not here to buy anything.

I need a favor. I need a drawing

of my grade school... - Uh-huh.

- And we were hoping you could kinda bang it out.

- Yeah, look, look, my dad would consider it

a personal favor.

- Yeah, kid, look, I--I hate to break it to you,

but your dad is a pain in my ass.

- Whoa. - All right, I've been working

on his portrait for over a year.

Look at this. - Whoa.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, wow.

- And he keeps asking me, "More chest hair."

- More chest hair? - And I refuse to do it.

- It's already a lot. - I know.

- Oh, please, come on,

the whole Shady Oaks Art Department

is counting on me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You go to Shady Oaks? - Shady Oaks Elementary, yeah.

- Yep. - SOE!

- SOE. - My alma mater!

Is--is the principal still there?

Chubby guy, bad dresser, real idiot?

- Yep, still here. - Well, you know what?

I'll do it. - You'll do it?

- Yes! - That's amazing.

- Yeah, in fact, you can pick it up in the morning.

How about that? And when you hand it to him,

look him in the eye and say,

"Scott from the class of '04 says hi."

- Okay.

- And then make a creepy grimace

just like this. Look at me.

Eeeeeeeeh.

You got it?

- Can't just say you said hi and leave it at that?

- Just look him in the eye, fellas, will ya?

- Oh, Tom, Tom, we gotta go. Our bikes are being stolen.

- What? Oh, no.

- This arts district is only half a block wide,

but it's a terrible part of town.

- Hello, everybody.

Uh, Madam Superintendent,

we do have one last piece of art

to share with you from just our prodigy,

our star student.

Why don't you read a quick artist's statement, Tom?

- Oh, I don't have anything prepared.

I let my brushes do the talking.

- No, you just speak from the heart.

- All right, let me ask you folks, what is art?

Is it just something babysitters do

to pass the time?

I believe art can come from a child

as easily as it can come from a grown man's rear end.

- Thank you.

- All right, well, thank you for listening.

Hope you enjoy it. It's called "Tom's Dream."

- Oh, shit. - What is this?

- You don't like it? What's wrong?

- Can someone please tell me what I am looking at?

- It's just, he's-- he's with the school mascot.

They're-- they just won a soccer game.

- I don't understand why you would do this,

especially after all my encouragement.

- This is all my fault. You know what?

Why don't you keep the five grand

you were gonna pay me for the painting?

- Ugh. - Wait.

- You spent $5,000 of school funds

on a painting of you being humped by a squirrel?

- He gave us the credit card and said, "Go big, or go home."

That's how much the guy cares.

- Okay, obviously, he's drunk. Let me explain.

- Oh, no. I'm leaving. And guess what.

That mural is gonna become

a permanent installation in this school

'cause I want it to act as a reminder

to future generations

as to what a complete jackass you were.

- I feel like we should have gone

with Dakota's yellow Johnson drawings.

- I always thought they were nice.

Oh, and, Principal, I almost forgot.

Scott says hi?

Creepy guy? Class of '04?

No?