Original subtitles

- Okay, kids. The school play is coming up

and I've written the script myself.

- Oh, no.

- Now, who would like to handout the scripts?

- Um... ♪ I do ♪

- Thank you, Blaze. Your enthusiasm is a delight.

- One for you. You're welcome.

- "A Daffodil for Terence"?

"A morose tale of anguish and loss."

Oh, this sounds horrible. - Hey, Mr. B.

Not to put a damper on the whole thing,

but can I sit this one out?

I had a bad experience last year.

Remember I threw up and I pooped simultaneously?

They had to carry me off.

- I remember it all too well, Tom.

But this year you only have one line as the village idiot.

- Village idiot?

I mean, is that even believable casting?

- That seems right. - Blaze, please.

- I mean, I'll buy it.

- If anything, it's too on the nose.

- Isn't there anything in there for, like, the cool guy

or some kind of assassin or?

- Something about your face just screams,

"I'm an idiot who lives in a village."

- All right, I question the casting choice

but let me sleep on it.

All right, so I'm playing the village idiot, Lucian.

So why don't you just read the lines

before that and I'll come in?

- Okay.

"And we shall run through the daffodils forever more."

"Enter Lucian, a real idiot. He stands there stupidly."

- Um, here are your slippers, sir.

Thanks, Ma. That was a big help.

- That's it? Where are the rest of your lines?

We're gonna do all your lines. - No, that's it.

I give him the slippers and then I-I leave.

- You hand off the slippers and then you leave?

Tom, I'ma be real with you. If I'm gonna get dressed up,

bath, and drive to that school

to hear one line, it better be a doozy.

- No, no. No, no. Don't get the pencil out.

No. Mr. B doesn't like rewrites.

- It's a tweak. - He said if we work off script

he's gonna physically harm us.

- I'm just putting this in the script.

It's not a rewrite, it's a tweak.

He said he's gonna physically harm you?

- He said it more than once.

- When your line comes up, this is what I want you to say.

- I actually like that. - Right?

- Yeah, I think Mr. B is really gonna see the humor in that.

- All right, everyone.

Welcome to our table read for "A Daffodil for Terence."

I hope you all love it.

I really hope some of you get it

because some people can be quite thick.

- Is he looking at me?

- Nelson will read our stage directions

and Blaze will be doing double duty

as both our lead and also the cat.

And now, "A Daffodil for Terence."

- Curtains open on a bleak café in Denmark.

The café is silent

except for the wailing moan of a depressed cat.

- Such brave writing.

- Valdemar stands defiantly above the motionless corpse.

Lucian enters and discovers the carnage.

- Um...uh...who farted?

- What?

- My script says "Who farted?" Is that the right line?

- Stop laughing.

- That was hysterical.

- This table read is now canceled.

And by the way, Denise,

I was talking about you because you're thick.

You're slow.

- What the hell?

- All right, please calm down, it's just a play.

- I spent 18 years on that script.

And he adds one line and he rewrites it

so that it's a fart joke.

- That was actually my mom's rewrite.

- Oh, so is she a village idiot too?

- No, very smart lady.

- Perhaps this is a family business.

- You can't make money doing that.

- Let's try to encourage these kids.

That's what I'm a principal for.

Okay, Tom? Seriously, you did great.

- Thank you. It felt good.

- Great? He did great? - You gotta admit that he got

the best reaction of the play, okay?

So I have a great idea.

Let's recast and have Tom play the lead.

- You can't be serious. - No, I'm not a lead.

I like to blend in. Don't put me up front.

- Mr. B, tell Blaze he's demoted

and he'll play the cat. That's fun.

- Oh, no, Blaze won't be happy with that.

- He'll love it. Meow. Meow.

He can remember his lines easier.

- This is outrageous.

You have no respect for my work nor my direction.

- I have a lot of respect for your craft.

And Tom, ask your mom if she can look at the script

and see if she can work in, like, more fart jokes.

- We're talking, like, one per page or?

- Fart it up. - Oh, my God.

- Fart it up.

- Good God.

- Oh. Aren't you Tom's weird teacher?

- I'm Mr. B and I came to apologize.

May I come in? - Yeah, I guess.

- Oh, wow. The decor is spectacularly mundane.

- Thank you.

- Oh, hey, Mr. B. Listen, uh,

if you wanna recast, that's fine.

I don't--I don't even wanna be in the play.

- Tom, my hands are tied. You have to be in the play.

- Oh, okay. So why are you here?

- I've given this a great deal of thought.

What if I were to take you under my wing

and mold you in my image?

- Oh, no. No, no.

- Wouldn't you like to be

a short little ten-year-old Mr. B?

- Not really, no. That doesn't sound too good.

- We have one week, Tom. - Whoa.

- And for that time, you will live, eat,

and breathe Mr. B. - No, I don't wanna do that.

- What, is he supposed to live at your house?

- This will be a seven day acting boot camp...

- Please stop talking.

- Culminating with a trip to Broadway.

- I don't like where this is going.

- We'll take in a show, meet my old acting friends

and stop for nibbles at Oso. And it's all on me.

- Mom, say something. - We're in.

- We're in? No, sounds like my worst nightmare.

- But if it's a free dinner, I feel like we have no choice.

- Oh, this is not gonna be fun.

- Louder, Tom.

Never say a line when you can over enunciate it.

- "Ah, look at the daffodils."

- Put your body into it.

There's nothing coming back at me, Tom.

They called me Mr. B. - Why?

- Because I was the mayor of Broadway.

- Then you just started teaching at a grade school?

- Yes. - Wow, look at that.

- Back in the day I owned this town.

Tom, do you see what he's doing?

You have to make sure every syllable is heard.

- Shh. Shut up!

- This is my gift to you.

- "How to Act with Vigor Volume 2."

- On the roof of that building

I made love to Marcia Gay Harden.

- Kind of a weird story to tell a little kid.

- Yeah, very weird.

Let's get that free dinner.

- Wow, this is so great.

I haven't seen you in, like, 30 years.

- Seeing you again makes me feel so alive.

- Mm-hmm, yes.

- Oh, wow, you guys were all in acting school together?

- Yeah, we-- - I was the star

of the class, but I have to say,

my colleagues here were very supportive.

- Well, you know, I'm not sure "star" is the word I'd use.

- Gary, tell our friends here the anecdote

about the time Daniel Day-Lewis saw me perform

and said, "Now, that is acting."

- Did that happen? I have no memory of that.

- Tom, listen, I'm gonna run to the little boys' room.

If the waiter comes, order me a martini

with gherkins not olives and tell him not to drown it

in vermouth like a bourgeois fool.

- We'll just order when you're back.

- Tom, I want you to lean in and listen to me.

- Okay. What's up, Gary?

- Whatever he's teaching you, do the opposite.

- Why? I thought he's the best actor of his generation.

- Who told you that? - Him.

- Yeah, he--he says it a lot.

- Oh, he was terrible, the worst.

- Mm, I don't like this.

- So he didn't--he didn't pass on "The Godfather"

'cause it was beneath him?

- They wouldn't even let him do background work

in "Porky's."

- This is a disaster.

I just did a seven-day boot camp with the guy.

- Forget everything he taught you and remember this--

less is more.

- Less is more. Less of what?

- A good actor can convey more

with a look than a thousand words.

- It's all in your face.

- Just show 'em my face, and I'm done?

- Yes, Tom. A subtle grimace... - Ooh, I like that.

- Or a menacing sneer. - I have to admit--

Gary does seem like he knows what he's talking about.

- I feel afraid, but I'm also turned on.

- It's weird that he's still sneering,

but it is--it is dramatic.

- I mean, I don't mean to boast,

but I did train in New York with a instructor named Gary.

- Wow, cool. - Incredible.

- Had some nibbles at Orso. The whole thing is just--

- Thomas. - Hey, Mr. B.

It's the big night. I'm ready to go.

- Fantastic.

Let's see what level you're performing at.

- Oh, you wanna run the lines? - Yes, Thomas.

- I wasn't planning on saying any of the lines.

- What are you talking about?

- Your friend Gary said less is more, so...

- Tom, you need to talk.

Acting requires talking.

- Get it together. - Ouch.

Oh, no, your friend Gary said all I have to do is this...

- Who's Gary? - Ouch.

Can someone restrain the cat, please?

- Gary is an imbecile. - What?

- I have no choice but to step in and play the part myself.

- Oh, no, Mr. B, I don't know if acting's your strong suit.

- Tom, I am going on. Give me the costume.

- No, Mr. B, please. Please. Hey, stop. Mr. B.

- Get ready for a master class in drama.

- Not gonna lie, I had more fun last year

when I vomited and pooped in my pants.

- Hey, folks, quick update here--

uh, there's been a bit of a casting change.

The lead will now be played by our very own Mr. B,

and Tom is back to playing the village idiot.

Okay, thanks so much.

- Hang on. What?

- Our story begins at a bleak café in Denmark.

A lone cat moans in the distance...

- As a old man named Valdemar enters frame.

- A plague, you say?

- Oh, my God.

- Dear parents...

We shall meet again.

And we shall run through the daffodils

forever more.

- What the hell was that? - That sucked.

- Are they saying "you" or "boo"?

- That was awful. And I'm friends with that man.

- Mr. B, can I give you some acting tips real quick?

- Well, you may as well, Tom. Everybody else has.

Tom, I'm afraid you might be right.

All right, you fucking idiots,

we'll take it from Valdemar's soliloquy.

Terence, my dear, dear Terence,

I must ask, and I must ask now.

Who amongst you lost wastrels...

farted?

- What the hell was that?

- Get him off the stage.

- Um, it's called comic relief,

you soulless gnomes.

- Man, who says "fart" and don't get a laugh?

- Yeah, he really butchered my mom's dialogue.

On paper, that line was great.

- ♪ Remember, there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ And patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember, there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof that our life ♪

♪ Is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember, it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember, if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth ♪

♪ We can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪