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- ♪ Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
2
00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:12,812
♪ I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
3
00:00:12,879 --> 00:00:18,551
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
4
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:21,087
♪ ♪
5
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:25,425
♪ The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
6
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:29,596
♪ I present no explanations ♪
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00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:33,199
♪ Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
8
00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:37,504
♪ To satiate for long ♪
9
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:41,341
♪ Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
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00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:45,445
♪ Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
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00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,951
- Uh, principal?
12
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,920
They told me you wanna see me
13
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:57,624
and that you're-you're furious.
Principal, you there?
14
00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:00,126
- Gotcha.
- Wait, what?
15
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,428
- The principal's at lunch.
16
00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:02,962
- That's not funny
at all, Brenda.
17
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,697
I gotta question
your sense of humor.
18
00:01:04,764 --> 00:01:06,466
- It's super funny, trust me.
19
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,234
- Since when do you have
a good personality?
20
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,036
I thought you were the boring
lady who sits in the hall.
21
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:12,472
- When the principal is here,
I'm buttoned-up Brenda.
22
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,308
But once he leaves, man,
I let lose.
23
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,943
- Let's get
buttoned-up Brenda back.
24
00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:19,079
This is not working.
- Here's why I called you in.
25
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:20,980
- Okay.
- The principal's 20th
26
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,715
anniversary at school
is coming up.
27
00:01:22,782 --> 00:01:25,318
So we're throwing him a roast.
- A roast?
28
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:27,821
- Where you make fun of people,
but you do it in a fun way.
29
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,590
And we want you
to be the roast master.
30
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,492
- Roast master?
That sounds like a lot of work.
31
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,294
I'm-I'm gonna pass.
- There's no passing.
32
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:35,662
No, no. No passing.
- Eh.
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00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,097
Count me out.
- It's been decided.
34
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:38,331
We already went
to the print shop.
35
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:39,833
We made a cardboard cutout.
36
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,334
- I didn't approve that.
That's not sanctioned.
37
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:43,069
- It's not up to you
to approve anything.
38
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,405
Once you're on school grounds,
pfft with your rights.
39
00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:47,841
- I'm a minor, so you can
force me to be a roast master?
40
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,076
- Yes. We'll force you to sit
in a room as long as we want,
41
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:52,178
and we can force you
to make jokes.
42
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:53,680
- I know we friends
and everything
43
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,315
but this is a travesty.
- I know.
44
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,617
- I got passed over
for roast master, for you.
45
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,452
- I agree, you would have
been better, but hey,
46
00:01:59,519 --> 00:02:01,321
don't let it ruin
the sleepover.
47
00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:03,089
Do you mind if I run
some of my jokes by ya?
48
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:04,624
- What you got?
49
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,526
- I think I'm gonna open with,
"Greetings.
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00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:07,927
"The principal is very excited
51
00:02:07,994 --> 00:02:09,529
"when he heard
we're having a roast.
52
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,197
"But I think the guy
was--I think
53
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:12,866
"he might have
thought we were
54
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,634
talking about roast beef."
55
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,370
- Oh, no.
- I gotta work on the phrasing
56
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:18,771
but that's the gist
of the joke.
57
00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:20,206
- Yeah, we get it.
What else you got?
58
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,375
- The principal drives
a Ford Fiesta,
59
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,810
which is Spanish for "party."
60
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,445
But the last time I checked
this guy's a real
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00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:27,046
party pooper.
Am I right, people?
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00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,715
- Man, this is gonna be
terrible, man.
63
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,116
You gonna bomb.
- You're right, actually.
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00:02:30,183 --> 00:02:31,451
This is not funny.
65
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:32,819
- We got one night
to make you funny.
66
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,053
- All right, what do I do?
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00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,355
- Come with me, Tom.
68
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:36,623
- Wait, where are we going?
69
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:37,824
- Shh. My dad's asleep.
70
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,659
I don't wanna wake him.
71
00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:42,495
- What is this weird room?
- This is a man cave.
72
00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:45,165
- Are we allowed to be in here?
- We not men.
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00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:46,866
So technically
we breaking and entering.
74
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:48,835
- Oh, my God,
what an incredible room.
75
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,237
Wesley Snipes,
grown lady's boobs,
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00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,239
couple of weird hats.
This is incredible.
77
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,974
What do we do now?
- Oh, man, we are about
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00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:56,409
to watch some roast.
79
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,511
- Oh, he's got
a collection of roasts.
80
00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:01,181
This is perfect.
Learn from the professionals.
81
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,216
- Ryan is so unattractive.
82
00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:06,186
When he smiles at me,
I take an immediate shit.
83
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,923
- Huh, kind of
an off-color joke.
84
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,525
- Oh, Brian, look at the nose
on that guy.
85
00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:13,927
If you can find it.
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00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,662
It looks like
a pig's butthole.
87
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:18,765
-
I love this dude, man.
88
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,333
- Is that funny
or very hurtful?
89
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,602
- At a roast you say things
that are hurtful.
90
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:25,939
But then you laugh and say,
"Just kidding. Love you buddy."
91
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,240
- Why not just say
the last part?
92
00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:28,741
- Oh, that's not a joke really.
93
00:03:28,841 --> 00:03:30,543
- What a dog-shit career
this guy has.
94
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:32,345
I mean, if I woke up
with that career
95
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:34,280
I'd put a shotgun in my mouth
and pull the trigger.
96
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,949
Oh, Brian,
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00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,284
you pig nose son of a bitch.
Love you buddy.
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00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:39,886
Oh, you're the man.
You're the man.
99
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,721
- Ah, you see people
are having a ball.
100
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,623
Look at that.
- Right, but I can't say
101
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,124
any of these things.
I'm a kid.
102
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,960
- Like my dad says,
nothing more adorable
103
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,729
than a curse word coming out
of a young child's mouth.
104
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,564
- I don't think my mom
would agree,
105
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:53,967
but you guys seem to know what
you're talking about over here.
106
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:57,103
- Uh, hi, gang.
107
00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:59,038
I can't believe
you guys did this for me.
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00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:02,475
It's--after 20 years,
I love you people like family.
109
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:03,876
And as the saying goes,
110
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:06,412
you can't spell "principal"
without pal.
111
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:10,316
And that's--that's how you kids
make me feel.
112
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:13,152
Not like I'm your principal
or an authoritative figure,
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00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:17,390
just feel like I'm your pal.
And I--and I do appreciate it.
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00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:21,160
- Wow, so emotional.
115
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,129
All right,
I'm your roast master.
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00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:24,831
If you need anything,
just holler.
117
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,267
Uh, why don't we start
with Dakota.
118
00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:31,304
- Hi.
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00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:36,776
The Principal is a real bozo,
like, bozo the clown.
120
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:40,079
- Aw, so precious.
- Oh.
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00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:41,681
Oh, she got me good.
122
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:45,952
- The principal is here
and he's really silly.
123
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,520
Am I right, guys?
124
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:50,290
- Oh, man, I'm questioning
the material, I really am.
125
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:53,159
- But we do love you and we're
so happy that you're here.
126
00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:55,461
Thank you.
You've been roasted.
127
00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:57,530
- Aw, this is adorable.
128
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:00,199
Oh, I hope someone's
filming this stuff.
129
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:04,304
- Um...all right.
Number one.
130
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,706
The principal's glasses
are always dirty.
131
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,641
- That is true.
132
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,710
- The only thing filthier
than his glasses is his ex-wife
133
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:13,780
Shannon who was
caught sucking off the UPS guy.
134
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,848
- What?
- Language. Tom.
135
00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:17,116
Okay. Wow. Tom.
136
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,551
- I got--I got more.
I got more.
137
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,186
I shouldn't have
opened with that.
138
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:22,355
The principal dreamed
of playing for the Yankees.
139
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,857
Right, Principal?
- Eh, it is true.
140
00:05:24,957 --> 00:05:27,493
- But the last time I checked
there's no position in baseball
141
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,062
called fat piece of shit.
142
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,165
- Oh, this is horrible.
What the hell is going on?
143
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:34,233
- Do you just maybe have
some normal jokes?
144
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,569
- I was told foul language
is encouraged.
145
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,538
- Who told you that?
- You know what?
146
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,873
I-I know I had
some disappointments in my life
147
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,575
but I didn't know--I mean,
148
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:46,979
I'm gonna go drink myself
to sleep and cry into a sock.
149
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:49,248
- I should have stopped
with the roast beef joke.
150
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,918
- Hey, kids. Get back in class.
151
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,686
Just because the principal
is out
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00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:55,388
does not mean
it's a free for all.
153
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,423
- Hey, go suck off the UPS guy!
154
00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:00,093
Bam, you've been roasted,
Tom style, baby!
155
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,195
- They really latched on
to that phrase, didn't they?
156
00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:04,397
- Well, well.
- I came to apologize.
157
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:06,766
- Sorry, Tom.
Principal called in sick.
158
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,768
- Oh, no.
- He's very depressed.
159
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,703
- I gotta say, I think maybe
Hector shouldn't have
160
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:13,039
called him a dumb-dumb.
That was in poor taste.
161
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,941
- Are you kidding, Tom?
Do you realize
162
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,543
that all the teachers
are calling you Asshole Tom?
163
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,379
- Now, that's
crossing the line.
164
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:20,947
- Oh, that's crossing the line?
165
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,782
Now you're deciding
what's in good taste.
166
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,283
- Well, just tell him
I'm sorry.
167
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,718
If you talk to him,
just tell him I'm sorry.
168
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,387
- No, there's no
I'm telling him anything.
169
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:29,622
You need to talk to him
and make this right.
170
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,391
- All right,
I'll go pop in and say hi.
171
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:33,693
I'm sure he's fine, though.
I mean, he's the principal.
172
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:41,401
-
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00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,703
- What's going on in there?
- Principal, are you in there?
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00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,138
-
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00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,106
- Principal, are you okay?
- We gotta get in there.
176
00:06:47,206 --> 00:06:49,609
- All right, you know what?
We're coming in.
177
00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,211
Principal?
- Oh. Hey, guys.
178
00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:54,147
Come on in. Grab a slice.
179
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,449
- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
180
00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:58,985
- Are you sure? You really
look like a train wreck.
181
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,320
- Tom, your insults
were a real wake-up call.
182
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,989
And I've decided to quit my job
183
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,491
and become an assistant bookie
with my friend, Lu.
184
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:07,894
- Oh, no, don't do that.
Nah. Those were jokes.
185
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,729
- I'm sorry,
which part was untrue?
186
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:11,264
Do I not have a weight problem?
187
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,665
- Yes.
It's not an ideal physique.
188
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,067
- Did my wife not blow
the UPS driver?
189
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:17,003
- She did.
That's a well-documented story.
190
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,639
- Have I not failed at pursuing
all my childhood dreams?
191
00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:21,474
- You've clearly failed
at many things.
192
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:23,476
But we can--you can laugh
about it now, right?
193
00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:25,111
- Nah, you just don't laugh.
It's tragic.
194
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:26,612
Look at my bucket list.
195
00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:28,514
I've crossed
not one thing off of it!
196
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:29,982
- Huh, let's see
what you got here.
197
00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:31,818
Sit on a hammock?
That's pretty easy to do.
198
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,086
- Well, I literally sat
on a hammock an hour ago.
199
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,688
- Eat a steak?
- Yeah.
200
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,457
- You've never eaten a steak?
- I've come close but,
201
00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,258
you know, something always
goes wrong.
202
00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:41,194
- These seem like very easy
dreams to achieve.
203
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:42,929
- Yeah, well, that's what
makes it so pathetic.
204
00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:44,430
- Oh, how does this sound?
Look.
205
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,799
If we help you check
everything off your list,
206
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:48,367
you come back
to school on Monday.
207
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,303
- How are you gonna help me
check every single thing
208
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:51,971
off this bucket list?
Take another look at it.
209
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,306
- Principal, we're gonna do it.
210
00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:54,674
We're not taking no
for an answer.
211
00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:56,209
- Deal.
- That's great. All right.
212
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,710
Let's shake.
Oh, wow. That's disgusting.
213
00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,312
That's a very greasy hand.
214
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,815
- Number ten on the list.
Sit on a hammock.
215
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,383
- I did it.
Check it off the list.
216
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,052
I sat in a hammock.
Yes!
217
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,120
- Okay. You sat in a hammock.
218
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:11,157
- Oh, my God, I ate a steak!
After all these years.
219
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,860
Check another one
off the list, baby!
220
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,795
- Number three on the list,
believe it or not,
221
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:20,399
is slide down a bowling alley
like a human bowling ball.
222
00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:25,171
- Wow, that's top five?
223
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,140
- Oh, my God,
I'm riding in a Buick.
224
00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:29,809
Check it off the list.
225
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,511
- Did number two on the list
really say "ride in Buick"?
226
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:35,081
- Says it right here.
"Ride in a late model Buick."
227
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,718
- Okay, one last thing
on the list.
228
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:42,755
See Glenn Hubert the comedian.
Who's Glenn Hubert by the way?
229
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,557
- He's only my favorite
comedian.
230
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:47,193
He does a clean act, just like
a ton of observational humor
231
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:50,930
about church and pudding
and cookies and picnics.
232
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,331
- Sounds like he sucks.
233
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:54,667
- Wait. Wait, what's this?
Sold out. Oh, no.
234
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,436
- This is just...
just the story of my life.
235
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,239
I'm, like, so close
and then I blow it.
236
00:09:00,339 --> 00:09:02,675
My neighbor's right.
I don't deserve to be happy.
237
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:04,076
- C'mon, don't give up.
238
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:05,945
We promised we would get
you to return to school.
239
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,080
Let me--let me see
what I can do.
240
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,715
- Go ahead.
- Hey.
241
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:11,217
Can I have a quick chat?
- Mm-hmm.
242
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,219
- Can we--can we talk,
comedian to comedian?
243
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,921
- I'm a doorman.
I'm not a comedian.
244
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:16,522
I'm not funny.
- Seem pretty funny.
245
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:17,924
- No, I'm not funny.
246
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,458
- Is there any way
you could sneak us in
247
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,427
to see Glenn Hubert?
It's for my pal.
248
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,930
He's not doing so well.
He's seen better days.
249
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:25,865
- What, your pal? Which one?
250
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,366
- Over there, over my shoulder.
251
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,101
- That's so sad.
- It is sad.
252
00:09:29,201 --> 00:09:30,870
The number one thing
on his bucket list,
253
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,071
you ready for this?
254
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:34,073
See Glenn Hubert
live in concert.
255
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,541
- I'll talk to Glenn.
- That's amazing.
256
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:36,976
- Maybe he'll even give him
a shout out.
257
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,811
He loves doing
good deeds like this.
258
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,580
- That's a very good deed.
259
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:42,481
Listen, if I can ever repay
the favor, just say the word.
260
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,150
- Okay. What is it he can do?
261
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,152
- Anything, as long as, like,
it's related to the bassoon
262
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,154
or Wiffle ball
or basic things like that.
263
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,956
If you need a back--you wanna
borrow a backpack?
264
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,490
- Why would I want a backpack?
- I don't know.
265
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,793
I can't repay the favor.
This is a one way street.
266
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:55,261
All right, guys,
I pulled some strings.
267
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:56,929
I told him I'm a roast master.
We're in.
268
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:58,097
- What?
Oh, you're the best.
269
00:09:58,164 --> 00:09:59,398
- We're seeing the whole act.
270
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:01,467
Glenn Hubert, Todd Glass
and free nachos.
271
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,836
- Wow.
Maybe he is the roast master.
272
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,138
- Yeah, in the comedy circles,
I get a lot of respect.
273
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:09,175
- You guys ready
for some wholesome comedy? Huh?
274
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,611
- Yes. What a night.
- Incredible.
275
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:14,480
- Yeah. Yeah.
How 'bout some clean jokes?
276
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,983
Well, here's your guy.
277
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,618
The sweetest, cleanest,
278
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:21,187
nicest guy in the game,
here he comes.
279
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:24,824
Give it up for Glenn Hubert.
280
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,863
-
Hi. Hi, everyone.
281
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:33,633
I went to church this morning.
282
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:36,102
What's up with these pews?
283
00:10:36,168 --> 00:10:39,672
Why are they always
made of wood?
284
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,141
Eh?
Ever hear of cushions?
285
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,876
C'mon.
286
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,812
- So him just saying the word
"cushions" is the punchline?
287
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:48,881
- Look at the principal.
He really loves this guy.
288
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,049
- Look at his eyes.
I've never seen him
289
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,450
light up like that before.
290
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:52,985
- I've never seen a guy
laugh like this.
291
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:55,321
- You know what ruffles
my feathers?
292
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,722
Pudding.
293
00:10:56,822 --> 00:11:00,893
It's not quite ice cream
but not quite custard.
294
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:04,530
C'mon, pudding.
Make a decision.
295
00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:07,400
- Not a great joke.
- Look, I like to tease.
296
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,468
But let's take it down a notch.
297
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:14,040
I understand we have a special
guest in the audience.
298
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,742
He's always wanted
to see me live,
299
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,711
and tonight he gets his wish.
300
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,913
Where is the little guy?
Don't be shy.
301
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,415
- Right here.
- Oh.
302
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,883
This is the guy.
- Right here, right here. Look.
303
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,718
- Wait. This is him?
304
00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:28,254
I was told this is
the Make-A-Wish thing
305
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:31,023
for a little kid.
- Oh, no, I never said that.
306
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:33,592
- You clearly said my pal.
I thought it was him.
307
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,761
- If I said my pal,
I meant princi-pal.
308
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,496
- Princi what?
- You can't spell principal
309
00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:39,065
without pal.
- What the hell does that mean?
310
00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:40,933
- He's not a kid.
He's, like, in his early 50s.
311
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,601
- 46.
- Folks,
312
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:46,906
there's always
one asshole in the crowd,
313
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,441
and here he is.
314
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,010
- Wait. I'm actually, like,
your biggest fan.
315
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:55,347
- I tried to do a clean act,
folks, but fuck this guy.
316
00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:57,283
- Glenn, please,
this is a special night.
317
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:58,784
- Oh, it's a special night?
318
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:02,088
In that case,
have a drink on me, asshole!
319
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,457
- C'mon, that was uncalled for.
320
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,126
-
- Oh, no, not the crotch.
321
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:08,427
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
322
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,196
- Hey, don't touch me.
323
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:12,698
I still need to cross this
off my list.
324
00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,100
- Look, if we need
a replacement,
325
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,768
I was on the shortlist
for roast master.
326
00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:19,138
See what you think of this.
What's up with Tom's mom?
327
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,574
- Nelson, no.
- Always with the flip flops.
328
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,410
You live in New Jersey, biatch.
Buy some shoes.
329
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,479
Am I right?
330
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,913
- Wow, he is good.
331
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:29,281
If he'd have been
the roast master,
332
00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:32,551
we would have avoided
so many problems.
25951
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