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- "Not great at math."

What kind of idiot would write that?

- Look at this kid. Going nowhere real fast.

- "Not great at math?" I'm gonna destroy this guy.

- Hey, Randy, what's new?

How's that applesauce? Good? - Tom.

You know I don't like talking about applesauce.

They take an apple, they mush it up,

they make it sauce, we eat it. End of story.

- Sorry, Randy. - "I'm not great at math?"

- What? What's wrong? - Come on, Tom!

You need to run this stuff by me first.

- I promised my mom I'd be honest.

I thought people would find it disarmingly charming.

- That's too honest. Look at the posters.

People are not even defacing the posters.

That's how bad it is. - The reaction has been tepid.

- All right, let's not panic.

We can save this with a good speech.

- Oh, yeah, I've got a speech that's gonna

knock your dick off. - Excuse me?

- Don't tell anyone I said that.

I'm not allowed to curse. - We just gonna let that slide.

Just run the speech by me, baby, let's go.

- All right, it goes, "Hi, my name is Tom,

and I apologize for my appearance."

- Why am I friends with this guy?

- All right, and then it kicks into high gear.

"Sure, I'm not great at math,

"and sure, I don't tuck in my shirts,

"but someone has to be the treasurer.

So why not me? Vote for Tom."

- Tom, this is the worst speech I've ever heard.

- What part don't you like? - Hey, mind if I join you guys?

- Oh, woah, you eat in the cafeteria?

- Technically, I never graduated from this school,

so yes, my student ID still works.

- You still go here? - Yes, I'm basically enrolled.

I'm one of you. I'm amongst my peers here.

- Don't touch me. - Get out of my way, kid.

That's my seat. It's been my seat for 26 years.

- I hate this. I hate you guys.

- So what are we talking about?

- Tom's running for office,

but he's not comfortable

with the concept of lying.

- You don't need to lie, Tom.

You need to learn to stretch the truth.

- What does that mean?

- You talk in a way that's deceiving

but not technically a lie.

- Okay? - Let me give you an example.

You can't say something like,

"I will be a good treasurer," 'cause you won't.

- Of course not. I'll be the worst.

- You say, "I believe I will be a good treasurer."

- Oh, that's good. That is nice.

- Wow, this is like a whole new language.

Can you help me rewrite my speech? We've got an hour.

- Tom, I got nothing but time.

As a bus driver, I'm busy from about 8:00 to 8:20 a.m.

and then again from 2:00 to 2:20 p.m.

Otherwise, I'm good to go.

- So in conclusion, as treasurer,

I will work hard and do what's best

for the school.

And more importantly,

I am not Tom.

Thank you. Not Tom.

- Okay, he's, uh, not Tom.

- Next up for treasurer is-- and don't boo people.

Please, come on, be nice, listen to him.

Please welcome Tom.

- This guy sounds trustworthy.

- Thank you.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a...

real straight shooting son of a B.

The kinda guy you can have a beer with

if you're old enough to drink beer.

- Tell 'em, Tom. Preach!

- I don't know much about math, but here's what I do know.

I believe school should be fun.

- Okay, yes, that's interesting.

- I believe

we should have a rock climbing wall in the gym.

How does that sound? - Yes!

- I believe! - What? That's so dangerous.

- I believe we should have free gum

being shot out of a cannon... - What?

- As we walk to and from the bus.

That's what I believe.

- Yeah, Tom! - I'm a believer!

- Hey, hey, hey, come on, you guys.

- I believe we should have an old Italian man

feeding us gelato throughout the day.

- I hear you, baby! - Yes, say it!

- Gelato? - All I know is this.

I believe my name is Tom,

and I believe I'm running for treasurer.

Thank you. - Yeah, Tom!

- Go, Tom! Whoo!

- Gotta believe.

- All right, gang. Well, listen.

This is our first student council meeting.

- Woo! - So there you go.

I like the enthusiasm.

Let's introduce our brand-new president.

Take it away, Dakota. - Okay, thank you.

Uh, guys, our first order of business

is to discuss these insane promises Tom made

to become treasurer.

- Oh, no, no, those weren't promises.

I just listed things I believe in.

So I think we're good to go here.

- Good to go? Tom, you lied to everyone.

- No, I stretched the truth. It's very common.

- What was the truth part?

- Gelato clearly exists.

No one's disputing that, are they?

If you're gonna be sticklers about it,

I mean, let's just purchase all the stuff

and be done with it, right? Meeting adjourned.

- First of all, you can't adjourn a meeting.

Treasurers can't adjourn meetings.

- Oh, no, the treasurer is all--

all powerful. - What?

- I thought I'm the boss. What happened?

- How would you pay for all this stuff?

- How would I pay? That's not my department.

- Yes, it is! - I'm just the treasurer.

- I don't think he knows what a treasurer does.

- I obviously know what a treasurer is

if I ran for the job. I-- - So what is it?

- I oversee the inner workings of the school.

- Even you know you're full of you-know-what.

- No, okay, I have to stop this right here.

- Not a strong first meeting.

- Tom, I worked very hard to become class president,

and I need my first hundred days to go well.

- Okay. - My father is a CPA.

I want you to go to his office tonight,

and he'll teach you his, uh, quote, "accounting tricks."

Got it? - Oh, no, please, no.

Anyone but your dad. He's messed up.

You gotta admit, Dakota, your dad is messed up.

- He's got his issues, but when it comes to, quote,

"cooking the books," unquote,

he's the best in the biz.

- Now, listen, Tom, right out of the gate

let's address the elephant in the room.

I mean, I did some weird stuff on that fishing trip.

- It was. It was very weird.

- Trying to bang an escort in front of a little kid.

Who does that? - That was a lot to process.

- Peeing in a circle. I mean, that's not for me.

- I don't know why I went along with it.

- So Dakota tells me you need my help.

- I do; I need to find funds in our student council budget.

I miscalculated by, like, 20 grand.

- Well, this should be easy.

- What's happening?

- Bang! Eight Gs just like that out of nowhere.

- Wow. - Depreciate some assets there,

move that over there. Yeah, take that, number seven.

- Wow, you really get into this, don't you?

You're taking your shirt off, oh, my God!

- Well, it's gotta come off, Tom,

I'm a superhuman computer.

- Feels inappropriate, but let's keep adding.

- Yeah! Ah, fund it, baby, fund it.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, feels good, doesn't it, Tom?

- It's a little weird but-- - Yeah.

Take that down your throat, number five.

- This is on the up and up? We can do all this?

- We can do anything we damn well please.

We're accountants, bitch. - You calling me a bitch or--

- The secret is to create a document that's so thick

no one will take the time to read it.

And...done. - All right, great.

Thanks for all your help. - All right.

- The whole thing was great, a lot of fun.

The music, the taking the shirt off.

The whole thing was really great.

Good news, principal. I found the money.

- What is this?

- Feast your eyes on the new budget.

- Okay, I gotta ask you. How did you find this money?

- You know, I ran the numbers, crunched the, uh, math.

It's all in the document. Feel free to read it.

- Uh, how many pages is that? - Exactly 1,000.

- Wow, okay. - I just need an approval.

If you wanna read it, that's on you.

- Well, you know what, Tom?

I trust you, it's approved. - Amazing.

- A rock climbing wall. Wow, Tom.

How much did this thing cost?

- Don't worry about the money. That's my department.

- All right, everybody! Who likes gum?

Boom! - This is amazing!

- Bubble-licious!

- Wait, did he fly you in from Italy?

- He doesn't speak English, but yes, I flew him in.

That's right, rock climbing wall compliments of Tom.

- Thank Tom, Tom the treasurer!

He got you this gum! Yeah!

- All right, enjoy, everyone.

Remember who got this for you, Gelato Tom.

- Hey, hey, hey. Come on in, guys.

- Hey, hi. - Hey.

- I'm proud of you, Dakota.

You're the most popular president

this school's ever had.

- I have to say it was a team effort.

Tom did a great job with the budget.

- Glad it's working out, you know?

It's just the way I am. I get things done,

and I deliver the goods.

- Sorry to interrupt. We got a disaster on our hands.

- That didn't take long.

- Nelson, please,

you're not part of the student government.

- I'm Tom's fixer.

- Yeah, he's my guy. Is there an issue?

- Gelato guy says his check bounced.

- Oh, no. - Hector's on his way.

- Hector? - Yeah, he's coming to see

the budget. He think you lied, Tom.

- How could I lie? It's all in the document.

- Yeah, he prepared this big, thick document.

- Did you even read that document?

- Oh, no, what have I done?

Fantasy football stats? - Oh, no, don't read it.

- This is a job application? - Stop reading that.

Don't--don't look at that.

- Leasing offers for a Dodge Durango?

He just glued stuff together.

- That's literally a leasing quote?

- This whole thing is gibberish, Tom.

- There are clearly some typos. - Tom, you're a great friend,

but I'm throwing you to the wolves now.

- Your dad's the one who printed it, so...

- I don't know who you're talking about.

My dad's a chiropractor, and I was never here.

- What is going on here?

The whole administration

is betraying their beloved treasurer.

- Okay, listen, this looks really bad for both of us.

There's only one thing we can do.

- Be honest like my mom says, right?

- No, not at all. You go on a shredding rampage.

- Oh. - Nelson, go distract Hector

and buy us some time. - I'm on it.

- Tom, start shredding.

Just shred, shred, shred, shred.

- We should lower our voices if nothing else, right?

If you're gonna shred,

you don't scream, "Shred, shred."

- What? Are you trying to just be right on something?

Shred, shred, shred!

Imagine what a maniac looks like when he shreds,

and then do that.

- Yo, Hector, could I ask you a question?

- I'm in a hurry. What?

- I was thinking,

there's not a lot of famous Hectors, are there?

- What? What are you talking about?

There's Hector Ballesteros,

you know, the Colombian weightlifter.

- Nah, that don't count. Famous weightlifter?

- Yeah, he's a big deal.

Hector Crawford, the Australian radio producer.

- There's no such thing. - Trust me, there are more.

I just don't have time for this right now.

- Wait, whoa, Hector, come back, there's a call.

There's a call for you on my phone.

I think it's an emergency.

Hector, they need you!

- You know what, Tom? I'm proud of you.

I mean, this is a great life lesson in integrity.

- Integrity? I feel like we're covering up a lie, no?

- Stop. I love that your head's

always spinning with ideas but no.

When something is shredded, right? You're following me?

- Yeah. - It's like it never existed.

- What does that mean? I don't--

- Abraham Lincoln said,

"Shredding isn't lying. It's the absence of the truth."

- I can't imagine Abe Lincoln had a shredder.

- Somebody said it. - Ah-ha!

The jig is up, Tom.

I know you cooked the books,

and I wanna see this budget.

- Do you see a budget? I don't see a budget.

- Wait a minute. Are you shredding evidence?

- I don't think there was a budget.

I don't know if a budget even existed.

Who's to say? - Wait a minute.

Isn't this the budget right here?

- Wait, what? - "Student council budget."

- Oh, no, don't touch that. - Tom, please!

What have you just been shredding this whole time?

- I was just shredding everything

in the filing cabinets. - Oh, my God!

Tom, you shredded the students' master files!

- You've really gotta do something about your voice.

It sounds too high. - This is a disaster!

- Are those important? - Yes, they're important.

Now every student has to repeat fifth grade,

and you know what? I want you to tell them.

- Okay, I'll write a speech that'll knock your dick off.

- Woah. - Forget--forget I said it.

That was inappropriate.

I'll just prepare some remarks. How's that?

Hey guys, it's Tom, your beloved treasurer,

here with another speech.

Listen, it sounds like due to a shredding mishap

we're just gonna start fifth grade over

so should be a fun year.

By the way, am I still treasurer

in this scenario or no?

- No, Tom, you're not treasurer.

You're gonna resign. - All right, this is--

I guess this is also my resignation speech.

So getting a lot done.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ And patterns to contemplate, more people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens supplying ♪

♪ The proof that our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining, through you, she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪