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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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- "Not great at math."
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What kind of idiot
would write that?
5
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- Look at this kid.
Going nowhere real fast.
6
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- "Not great at math?"
I'm gonna destroy this guy.
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- Hey, Randy, what's new?
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How's that applesauce? Good?
- Tom.
9
00:00:25,633 --> 00:00:27,635
You know I don't like
talking about applesauce.
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They take an apple,
they mush it up,
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they make it sauce, we eat it.
End of story.
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- Sorry, Randy.
- "I'm not great at math?"
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- What? What's wrong?
- Come on, Tom!
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You need to run this stuff
by me first.
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- I promised
my mom I'd be honest.
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I thought people would
find it disarmingly charming.
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- That's too honest.
Look at the posters.
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People are not even
defacing the posters.
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That's how bad it is.
- The reaction has been tepid.
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- All right, let's not panic.
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We can save this
with a good speech.
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- Oh, yeah, I've got
a speech that's gonna
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knock your dick off.
- Excuse me?
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- Don't tell anyone
I said that.
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I'm not allowed to curse.
- We just gonna let that slide.
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Just run the speech by me,
baby, let's go.
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- All right, it goes,
"Hi, my name is Tom,
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and I apologize
for my appearance."
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- Why am I friends
with this guy?
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- All right, and then it
kicks into high gear.
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"Sure, I'm not great at math,
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"and sure,
I don't tuck in my shirts,
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"but someone
has to be the treasurer.
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So why not me? Vote for Tom."
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- Tom, this is the worst
speech I've ever heard.
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- What part don't you like?
- Hey, mind if I join you guys?
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- Oh, woah,
you eat in the cafeteria?
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- Technically, I never
graduated from this school,
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so yes, my student ID
still works.
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- You still go here?
- Yes, I'm basically enrolled.
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I'm one of you.
I'm amongst my peers here.
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- Don't touch me.
- Get out of my way, kid.
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That's my seat.
It's been my seat for 26 years.
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- I hate this. I hate you guys.
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- So what are we talking about?
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- Tom's running for office,
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but he's not comfortable
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with the concept of lying.
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- You don't need to lie, Tom.
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You need to learn
to stretch the truth.
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- What does that mean?
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- You talk in a way
that's deceiving
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but not technically a lie.
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- Okay?
- Let me give you an example.
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You can't say something like,
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"I will be a good treasurer,"
'cause you won't.
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- Of course not.
I'll be the worst.
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- You say, "I believe
I will be a good treasurer."
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- Oh, that's good.
That is nice.
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- Wow, this is like
a whole new language.
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Can you help me rewrite
my speech? We've got an hour.
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- Tom, I got nothing but time.
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As a bus driver, I'm busy
from about 8:00 to 8:20 a.m.
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00:02:07,402 --> 00:02:10,738
and then again
from 2:00 to 2:20 p.m.
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Otherwise, I'm good to go.
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- So in conclusion,
as treasurer,
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I will work hard
and do what's best
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for the school.
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And more importantly,
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I am not Tom.
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Thank you. Not Tom.
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- Okay, he's, uh, not Tom.
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- Next up for treasurer is--
and don't boo people.
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Please, come on, be nice,
listen to him.
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Please welcome Tom.
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- This guy sounds trustworthy.
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- Thank you.
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Anyone who knows me
knows I'm a...
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real straight shooting
son of a B.
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The kinda guy
you can have a beer with
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if you're old enough
to drink beer.
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- Tell 'em, Tom. Preach!
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- I don't know much about math,
but here's what I do know.
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I believe school should be fun.
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- Okay, yes,
that's interesting.
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- I believe
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we should have a rock climbing
wall in the gym.
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How does that sound?
- Yes!
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- I believe!
- What? That's so dangerous.
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00:03:03,858 --> 00:03:05,593
- I believe we should have
free gum
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being shot out of a cannon...
- What?
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- As we walk
to and from the bus.
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That's what I believe.
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00:03:10,765 --> 00:03:11,966
- Yeah, Tom!
- I'm a believer!
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- Hey, hey, hey,
come on, you guys.
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- I believe we should have
an old Italian man
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feeding us gelato
throughout the day.
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- I hear you, baby!
- Yes, say it!
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- Gelato?
- All I know is this.
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I believe my name is Tom,
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and I believe I'm running
for treasurer.
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Thank you.
- Yeah, Tom!
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- Go, Tom! Whoo!
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- Gotta believe.
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- All right, gang.
Well, listen.
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This is our first
student council meeting.
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- Woo!
- So there you go.
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I like the enthusiasm.
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Let's introduce
our brand-new president.
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Take it away, Dakota.
- Okay, thank you.
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Uh, guys,
our first order of business
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is to discuss these
insane promises Tom made
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to become treasurer.
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- Oh, no, no,
those weren't promises.
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I just listed things
I believe in.
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So I think
we're good to go here.
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- Good to go?
Tom, you lied to everyone.
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- No, I stretched the truth.
It's very common.
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- What was the truth part?
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00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:01,949
- Gelato clearly exists.
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00:04:02,016 --> 00:04:04,185
No one's disputing that,
are they?
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If you're gonna be
sticklers about it,
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I mean, let's just
purchase all the stuff
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00:04:07,355 --> 00:04:09,023
and be done with it, right?
Meeting adjourned.
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- First of all,
you can't adjourn a meeting.
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00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,493
Treasurers can't adjourn meetings.
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00:04:12,593 --> 00:04:13,661
- Oh, no,
the treasurer is all--
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00:04:13,761 --> 00:04:15,096
all powerful.
- What?
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00:04:15,163 --> 00:04:16,697
- I thought I'm the boss.
What happened?
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00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,499
- How would you pay
for all this stuff?
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00:04:18,599 --> 00:04:20,268
- How would I pay?
That's not my department.
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- Yes, it is!
- I'm just the treasurer.
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- I don't think he knows
what a treasurer does.
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00:04:24,105 --> 00:04:25,706
- I obviously know
what a treasurer is
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00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,509
if I ran for the job. I--
- So what is it?
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00:04:28,609 --> 00:04:31,012
- I oversee the inner workings
of the school.
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00:04:31,112 --> 00:04:33,381
- Even you know
you're full of you-know-what.
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00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:36,117
- No, okay, I have to
stop this right here.
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00:04:36,184 --> 00:04:37,685
- Not a strong first meeting.
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00:04:37,785 --> 00:04:40,188
- Tom, I worked very hard
to become class president,
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00:04:40,288 --> 00:04:42,223
and I need my first
hundred days to go well.
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00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:43,891
- Okay.
- My father is a CPA.
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00:04:43,991 --> 00:04:45,693
I want you to go to
his office tonight,
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00:04:45,793 --> 00:04:49,363
and he'll teach you his, uh,
quote, "accounting tricks."
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00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:50,865
Got it?
- Oh, no, please, no.
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00:04:50,965 --> 00:04:52,967
Anyone but your dad.
He's messed up.
147
00:04:53,034 --> 00:04:55,136
You gotta admit, Dakota,
your dad is messed up.
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00:04:55,203 --> 00:04:57,171
- He's got his issues,
but when it comes to, quote,
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00:04:57,238 --> 00:04:59,540
"cooking the books," unquote,
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00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,175
he's the best in the biz.
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00:05:04,645 --> 00:05:06,414
- Now, listen, Tom,
right out of the gate
152
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:08,349
let's address
the elephant in the room.
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00:05:08,416 --> 00:05:11,152
I mean, I did some weird stuff
on that fishing trip.
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00:05:11,219 --> 00:05:12,720
- It was.
It was very weird.
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00:05:12,820 --> 00:05:14,755
- Trying to bang an escort
in front of a little kid.
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00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,924
Who does that?
- That was a lot to process.
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00:05:17,024 --> 00:05:19,260
- Peeing in a circle.
I mean, that's not for me.
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00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:20,761
- I don't know why
I went along with it.
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00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:23,097
- So Dakota tells me
you need my help.
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00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:26,267
- I do; I need to find funds
in our student council budget.
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00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,269
I miscalculated by,
like, 20 grand.
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00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:29,770
- Well, this should be easy.
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00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,442
- What's happening?
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00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:37,211
- Bang! Eight Gs just like that
out of nowhere.
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00:05:37,278 --> 00:05:40,281
- Wow.
- Depreciate some assets there,
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00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:43,184
move that over there.
Yeah, take that, number seven.
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00:05:43,251 --> 00:05:44,685
- Wow, you really
get into this, don't you?
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00:05:44,752 --> 00:05:46,187
You're taking your shirt off,
oh, my God!
169
00:05:46,254 --> 00:05:47,455
- Well, it's gotta
come off, Tom,
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00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,056
I'm a superhuman computer.
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00:05:49,123 --> 00:05:50,958
- Feels inappropriate,
but let's keep adding.
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00:05:51,058 --> 00:05:53,594
- Yeah! Ah, fund it, baby,
fund it.
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00:05:53,694 --> 00:05:54,795
- Oh, my God.
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00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,530
- Yeah, feels good,
doesn't it, Tom?
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00:05:56,597 --> 00:05:58,099
- It's a little weird but--
- Yeah.
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00:05:58,199 --> 00:06:00,368
Take that down your throat,
number five.
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00:06:00,434 --> 00:06:02,036
- This is on the up and up?
We can do all this?
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00:06:02,103 --> 00:06:04,972
- We can do anything
we damn well please.
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00:06:05,072 --> 00:06:07,909
We're accountants, bitch.
- You calling me a bitch or--
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00:06:07,975 --> 00:06:10,544
- The secret is to create
a document that's so thick
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00:06:10,611 --> 00:06:12,647
no one will take the time
to read it.
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00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,416
And...done.
- All right, great.
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00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:16,918
Thanks for all your help.
- All right.
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00:06:16,984 --> 00:06:18,486
- The whole thing was great,
a lot of fun.
185
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:19,820
The music,
the taking the shirt off.
186
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,589
The whole thing
was really great.
187
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:26,127
Good news, principal.
I found the money.
188
00:06:26,227 --> 00:06:27,328
- What is this?
189
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:28,963
- Feast your eyes
on the new budget.
190
00:06:29,063 --> 00:06:31,666
- Okay, I gotta ask you.
How did you find this money?
191
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,568
- You know, I ran the numbers,
crunched the, uh, math.
192
00:06:34,635 --> 00:06:36,604
It's all in the document.
Feel free to read it.
193
00:06:36,671 --> 00:06:39,173
- Uh, how many pages is that?
- Exactly 1,000.
194
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:42,176
- Wow, okay.
- I just need an approval.
195
00:06:42,276 --> 00:06:44,178
If you wanna read it,
that's on you.
196
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:45,613
- Well, you know what, Tom?
197
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,182
I trust you, it's approved.
- Amazing.
198
00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:52,520
- A rock climbing wall.
Wow, Tom.
199
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,622
How much did this thing cost?
200
00:06:54,689 --> 00:06:56,691
- Don't worry about the money.
That's my department.
201
00:06:56,791 --> 00:07:00,461
- All right, everybody!
Who likes gum?
202
00:07:00,528 --> 00:07:02,196
Boom!
- This is amazing!
203
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,031
- Bubble-licious!
204
00:07:04,131 --> 00:07:06,267
- Wait, did he fly you in
from Italy?
205
00:07:06,334 --> 00:07:08,336
- He doesn't speak English,
but yes, I flew him in.
206
00:07:08,436 --> 00:07:11,706
That's right, rock climbing
wall compliments of Tom.
207
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,308
- Thank Tom, Tom the treasurer!
208
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:18,212
He got you this gum! Yeah!
209
00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:19,780
- All right, enjoy, everyone.
210
00:07:19,847 --> 00:07:22,550
Remember who got this for you,
Gelato Tom.
211
00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:24,618
- Hey, hey, hey.
Come on in, guys.
212
00:07:24,685 --> 00:07:25,686
- Hey, hi.
- Hey.
213
00:07:25,786 --> 00:07:26,887
- I'm proud of you, Dakota.
214
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:27,989
You're the most
popular president
215
00:07:28,055 --> 00:07:29,357
this school's ever had.
216
00:07:29,457 --> 00:07:30,725
- I have to say
it was a team effort.
217
00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:31,959
Tom did a great job
with the budget.
218
00:07:32,026 --> 00:07:33,494
- Glad it's working out,
you know?
219
00:07:33,561 --> 00:07:35,062
It's just the way I am.
I get things done,
220
00:07:35,162 --> 00:07:36,697
and I deliver the goods.
221
00:07:36,797 --> 00:07:39,400
- Sorry to interrupt.
We got a disaster on our hands.
222
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,568
- That didn't take long.
223
00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:41,969
- Nelson, please,
224
00:07:42,036 --> 00:07:43,637
you're not part of
the student government.
225
00:07:43,704 --> 00:07:45,006
- I'm Tom's fixer.
226
00:07:45,072 --> 00:07:46,407
- Yeah, he's my guy.
Is there an issue?
227
00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:47,875
- Gelato guy says
his check bounced.
228
00:07:47,975 --> 00:07:49,243
- Oh, no.
- Hector's on his way.
229
00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:50,678
- Hector?
- Yeah, he's coming to see
230
00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:52,146
the budget.
He think you lied, Tom.
231
00:07:52,213 --> 00:07:53,681
- How could I lie?
It's all in the document.
232
00:07:53,748 --> 00:07:56,150
- Yeah, he prepared
this big, thick document.
233
00:07:56,217 --> 00:07:58,819
- Did you even
read that document?
234
00:07:58,886 --> 00:08:01,222
- Oh, no, what have I done?
235
00:08:01,322 --> 00:08:03,724
Fantasy football stats?
- Oh, no, don't read it.
236
00:08:03,824 --> 00:08:05,526
- This is a job application?
- Stop reading that.
237
00:08:05,593 --> 00:08:06,761
Don't--don't look at that.
238
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,662
- Leasing offers
for a Dodge Durango?
239
00:08:08,729 --> 00:08:09,930
He just glued stuff together.
240
00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,332
- That's literally
a leasing quote?
241
00:08:11,399 --> 00:08:13,167
- This whole thing
is gibberish, Tom.
242
00:08:13,234 --> 00:08:15,436
- There are clearly some typos.
- Tom, you're a great friend,
243
00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,004
but I'm throwing you
to the wolves now.
244
00:08:17,071 --> 00:08:18,439
- Your dad's the one
who printed it, so...
245
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:19,940
- I don't know
who you're talking about.
246
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,942
My dad's a chiropractor,
and I was never here.
247
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:22,943
- What is going on here?
248
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,278
The whole administration
249
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:26,047
is betraying
their beloved treasurer.
250
00:08:26,113 --> 00:08:28,849
- Okay, listen, this looks
really bad for both of us.
251
00:08:28,916 --> 00:08:30,618
There's only
one thing we can do.
252
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:32,253
- Be honest
like my mom says, right?
253
00:08:32,353 --> 00:08:34,789
- No, not at all.
You go on a shredding rampage.
254
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,291
- Oh.
- Nelson, go distract Hector
255
00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:38,759
and buy us some time.
- I'm on it.
256
00:08:38,859 --> 00:08:40,027
- Tom, start shredding.
257
00:08:40,094 --> 00:08:41,695
Just shred,
shred, shred, shred.
258
00:08:41,762 --> 00:08:43,697
- We should lower our voices
if nothing else, right?
259
00:08:43,764 --> 00:08:44,932
If you're gonna shred,
260
00:08:45,032 --> 00:08:46,600
you don't scream,
"Shred, shred."
261
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,136
- What? Are you trying to
just be right on something?
262
00:08:49,236 --> 00:08:50,638
Shred, shred, shred!
263
00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:52,640
Imagine what a maniac
looks like when he shreds,
264
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,308
and then do that.
265
00:08:57,778 --> 00:08:59,914
- Yo, Hector,
could I ask you a question?
266
00:08:59,980 --> 00:09:01,749
- I'm in a hurry. What?
267
00:09:01,816 --> 00:09:03,150
- I was thinking,
268
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:04,985
there's not a lot
of famous Hectors, are there?
269
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:06,287
- What?
What are you talking about?
270
00:09:06,387 --> 00:09:08,155
There's Hector Ballesteros,
271
00:09:08,255 --> 00:09:09,790
you know,
the Colombian weightlifter.
272
00:09:09,890 --> 00:09:11,826
- Nah, that don't count.
Famous weightlifter?
273
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,260
- Yeah, he's a big deal.
274
00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:16,664
Hector Crawford,
the Australian radio producer.
275
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,432
- There's no such thing.
- Trust me, there are more.
276
00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:20,101
I just don't have time
for this right now.
277
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:21,802
- Wait, whoa, Hector,
come back, there's a call.
278
00:09:21,902 --> 00:09:23,070
There's a call for you
on my phone.
279
00:09:23,137 --> 00:09:24,071
I think it's an emergency.
280
00:09:24,138 --> 00:09:25,473
Hector, they need you!
281
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:29,343
- You know what, Tom?
I'm proud of you.
282
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,846
I mean, this is a great
life lesson in integrity.
283
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,315
- Integrity? I feel like
we're covering up a lie, no?
284
00:09:34,415 --> 00:09:35,683
- Stop. I love that your head's
285
00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:37,418
always spinning
with ideas but no.
286
00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:40,821
When something is shredded,
right? You're following me?
287
00:09:40,921 --> 00:09:42,957
- Yeah.
- It's like it never existed.
288
00:09:43,023 --> 00:09:44,091
- What does that mean?
I don't--
289
00:09:44,158 --> 00:09:45,759
- Abraham Lincoln said,
290
00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:49,263
"Shredding isn't lying.
It's the absence of the truth."
291
00:09:49,330 --> 00:09:51,799
- I can't imagine
Abe Lincoln had a shredder.
292
00:09:51,866 --> 00:09:53,534
- Somebody said it.
- Ah-ha!
293
00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:54,768
The jig is up, Tom.
294
00:09:54,835 --> 00:09:56,203
I know you cooked the books,
295
00:09:56,303 --> 00:09:57,705
and I wanna see this budget.
296
00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:00,040
- Do you see a budget?
I don't see a budget.
297
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,176
- Wait a minute.
Are you shredding evidence?
298
00:10:02,276 --> 00:10:03,711
- I don't think
there was a budget.
299
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,479
I don't know
if a budget even existed.
300
00:10:05,546 --> 00:10:06,847
Who's to say?
- Wait a minute.
301
00:10:06,947 --> 00:10:08,382
Isn't this the budget
right here?
302
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,885
- Wait, what?
- "Student council budget."
303
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:12,720
- Oh, no, don't touch that.
- Tom, please!
304
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:14,622
What have you just been
shredding this whole time?
305
00:10:14,688 --> 00:10:16,056
- I was just
shredding everything
306
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,825
in the filing cabinets.
- Oh, my God!
307
00:10:17,892 --> 00:10:19,894
Tom, you shredded
the students' master files!
308
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,795
- You've really gotta do
something about your voice.
309
00:10:21,862 --> 00:10:24,031
It sounds too high.
- This is a disaster!
310
00:10:24,131 --> 00:10:25,900
- Are those important?
- Yes, they're important.
311
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,402
Now every student
has to repeat fifth grade,
312
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:30,204
and you know what?
I want you to tell them.
313
00:10:30,304 --> 00:10:32,206
- Okay, I'll write a speech
that'll knock your dick off.
314
00:10:32,306 --> 00:10:33,674
- Woah.
- Forget--forget I said it.
315
00:10:33,741 --> 00:10:35,142
That was inappropriate.
316
00:10:35,209 --> 00:10:37,211
I'll just prepare some remarks.
How's that?
317
00:10:37,311 --> 00:10:39,079
Hey guys, it's Tom,
your beloved treasurer,
318
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,548
here with another speech.
319
00:10:40,648 --> 00:10:44,084
Listen, it sounds like
due to a shredding mishap
320
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,819
we're just gonna start
fifth grade over
321
00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:49,490
so should be a fun year.
322
00:10:49,557 --> 00:10:50,858
By the way,
am I still treasurer
323
00:10:50,925 --> 00:10:52,092
in this scenario or no?
324
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,661
- No, Tom,
you're not treasurer.
325
00:10:53,727 --> 00:10:55,196
You're gonna resign.
- All right, this is--
326
00:10:55,262 --> 00:10:56,864
I guess this is also
my resignation speech.
327
00:10:56,931 --> 00:10:58,365
So getting a lot done.
328
00:10:58,432 --> 00:11:00,367
- ♪ Remember
there's more road ♪
329
00:11:00,434 --> 00:11:02,436
♪ And places to go ♪
330
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:06,240
♪ And patterns to contemplate,
more people to fornicate ♪
331
00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:10,277
♪ And remember there's a lot
of good omens supplying ♪
332
00:11:10,377 --> 00:11:14,882
♪ The proof that our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
333
00:11:14,949 --> 00:11:19,019
♪ Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
334
00:11:19,086 --> 00:11:23,123
♪ Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
335
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:26,927
♪ Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
336
00:11:27,027 --> 00:11:31,532
♪ The sweet silver lining,
through you, she lives on ♪
337
00:11:31,599 --> 00:11:35,436
♪ And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
338
00:11:35,536 --> 00:11:40,107
♪ Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
26210
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