Original subtitles

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out ♪

♪ Chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanation ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- Okay, kids. All right, simmer down.

Look up here. Eyes up here.

I'm Mr. Shifrin.

I'm your substitute teacher for today.

If you guys could all just be quiet

for one second, that'd be great.

I just got a few things we gotta go over, okay?

Hello? I am demanding respect.

I demand respect.

- Tom, you see what I see?

- Yeah, the sub's losing control.

- Let's go loiter in the bathroom.

- Loiter? We're not allowed.

We're in class. - We got a sub.

The laws of society no longer apply.

- No, no, no, I've had too many incidents.

I can't get in trouble. - We won't get in trouble.

This guy's clueless. Look at him.

- Let's bring the noise level down, okay?

That is rude. - I mean, if he let us leave,

we done nothing wrong. - Why would he let us leave?

- Watch this.

- I am a grown man,

and I am in a position of authority.

- Hey, uh, can we be excused from class?

We have chiropractor appointments.

- Yeah, joint chiropractor appointments.

- Is that a pun or do you have

simultaneous chiropractor appointments?

- Yeah, I've got a bad back, and he's got a bad foot, so...

- I have a note by the way. Here you go.

- I can't argue with this. What are your names?

- Just put down Hank and Irv.

- All right, cool. Yeah, I'll write it down.

- We can leave? - Yeah, I mean, you got a note.

- Come on, Irv.

Whoo! - Oh, my God, it worked.

We're on the loose. - Yeah!

- What do we do? Go in the bathroom?

- Guys, I'm in. - In where? In with what?

- I'm in with

whatever weird stuff is going on here.

- Oh, no. - Let's get in some trouble.

- That seems a little out of character, no?

- My brother gets in trouble all the time,

but my mom expects me to be perfect?

- All right, what you thinking?

- Small fires,

defecating on walls...

- What? I signed up for loitering, that's it.

- Ah, busted! - Oh, no.

- You guys have hall passes?

- All right, I guess we're busted.

Don't tell the principal. - I'm kidding.

I don't give a shit about hall passes.

I'm a janitor.

What kinda trouble you guys getting into?

I love this stuff. - Pretty messed up.

We made fake chiropractor notes.

- Yeah, now we loitering by the bathroom.

- That's it? That's what passes for trouble these days?

- You know, let's go back to class.

Let's pretend this never happened.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't go back to class.

Years from now, your best memories of childhood

will be when you misbehaved.

Do you know what "carpe diem" means?

- No; I learned Latin for the spelling bee,

but it didn't really stick.

- It means "seize the day."

Look, if you wanna leave school grounds,

I'd be happy to smuggle you out in my garbage can.

- All right, this guy's clearly lost his mind.

- We're in! - In?

- Everybody in the can.

- What? No, no, please.

- Get in the trash, you little rebels.

- I'm not getting in the garbage can.

- It's been a light garbage day,

so you'll both fit.

Look, you want me to drive you to a bar?

- Oh, no, we're gonna part ways.

You can't be part of the team.

- I wanna hang out with you guys.

I'm lonely.

- No, that--that's where I draw the line.

Wow, what an adventure. We walked to Taco Bell.

That's crazy. Should we head back?

- What are we gonna tell people?

We stood in line for tacos?

- That sounds like a good story.

I'd tell--I'd tell my grandkids that story.

- Oh, my goodness. - I've got an idea.

Why don't we just dine and dash?

- Yes! - Stop, stop.

No, no, no. - Yes.

Tom, let's use that honest little face of yours.

You get up there, you do the talking.

- Whatever happened to loitering?

I thought that was the plan.

- Yeah, but now we about to

put the whole plan together,

which is a Taco Bell heist.

- Okay, fine, one quick Taco Bell heist,

and then we're going back to school.

Hey, can I just get, like, 30 tacos?

- Oh, wow, do you want them in the Fiesta Party Packs

or do you want them individual?

- Yeah, just a couple of Fiesta Party Packs.

- Okay. - And then we'll just

settle the bill later. So, you know.

- So you want me to give them to you on a tray

and then watch you come back and pay?

- You don't have to watch anything.

Just typical restaurant stuff, you know.

- This isn't a restaurant. This is fast food.

- Just give us the food. Be cool, come on.

- You see this guy behind me? - Yeah.

- Okay, that's the assistant manager.

Do you know how freaking hard he would get

if he could fire me for this?

- I just want to be clear, we're not, like,

dining and dashing or anything.

- It sounds like you're trying to dine and dash.

- Why, 'cause I just said we're not dining and dashing?

- Okay, bye. - Very disappointing.

Very disappointing restaurant experience.

- Go ahead and write a review.

I dare you to take the time.

- As soon as I get a phone and open a Yelp account,

this place is gonna hear it.

- Lord, save me

if I'm still here when that happens.

- Come on, Tom! - I'm sorry.

- Rule number one of dining and dashing,

don't discuss dashing.

- All right, well, that didn't work.

Let's head back to school and--

- No! Since you screwed up the heist,

we have to do something else.

Let's, uh--I don't know. Let's hitchhike.

- All right, you're out of control.

- Let's take a vote. Nelson, do you wanna hitchhike?

- Uh, I gotta go with Dakota.

- Nelson, please, come on.

- You blew it with the dining and dash,

so we gotta take it to another level.

find the creepiest weirdo we can

and get in their vehicle.

- Hey, kids. What's up?

You guys need a ride? - Sorry, buddy.

You're not creepy enough. Keep it moving.

- All right, down the block I go.

- Let's just--come on, let's go back to school.

Are you feeling okay, Dakota?

- I can't go back to school

until I commit a crime so heinous

that my mom disowns me.

- I thought that was you guys.

Hop in, you crazy rascals.

- No way. - No?

- He's known to us. - This is perfect.

He's creepy, but he's a familiar face.

This is cool.

I've never hitchhiked before. - You still haven't.

I was sitting in the same seat two hours ago.

- Yeah, but now we're hitchhiking.

I mean, once your thumb is up,

it's against the law.

- What are you guys arguing about?

I hear you talking about thumbing things.

I'm nervous. - Oh, we skipped school,

and now we just tooling around town.

- Ooh, I like that. You're pulling a Bueller!

- A what? - All right, I wanna help.

- Let's just go back to school.

- Sorry, for nostalgic reasons,

I need to facilitate any Bueller-related activities.

Strap in, kids! - Whoo!

- Oh, no, don't turn around. What are you doing?

- I have to. - Stop, stop.

- Back it up right now.

Okay, over shot it a little bit.

That's bad.

Now I'm gonna gun it forward.

And we are off!

- You should not be a bus driver.

- I know.

- ...can't see what my hands are doing, though.

- Um, sub? - I have a name.

My name is Mr. Shifrin. I've said that repeatedly.

- Yeah, okay, so my friend, Dakota,

she's been gone for, like, a really long time.

Can I go check the halls for her?

- No, you cannot go check the halls.

I've got this.

The only kids missing are Hank and Irv,

but they had simultaneous chiropractor appointments.

- Are you an idiot?

- Why does everybody keep asking me that?

- Kids haven't had names like that for, like, 50 years.

- Oh, God, no. Oh, come on, Kevin.

Get your shit together!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

- Can I go?

- Okay, kids.

I am taking you to the sketchiest,

sleaziest strip mall in the tri-state area.

- Cool.

- They had a pack of wild rats

living in one of the pretzel stores for a long time.

- No, this sounds dangerous. My mom doesn't like me

hanging around with wild rats.

- I mean, as a kid,

I got in so much trouble here

for doing doughnuts,

giving rim jobs.

A cop pepper-sprayed me.

All kinds of fun kid stuff.

- Ah, I love it.

- Oh, come on, man.

- This is the sleazy strip mall?

- Well, looks like it's changed a little from back in the day.

- Where are all the rats? - Yeah.

You've really played up the rats too much.

- Well, on the plus side,

we can get a smoothie and some throw pillows.

Who's with me?

- You know what? We'll meet you in there.

- Go team.

- Guys, we are so not meeting him in there.

- What? - The clock is ticking,

and we need to do something wrong.

Use your brain, Tom! Think!

What would the janitor do?

- What would the janitor do?

- The world's crazy so you get crazy.

Get in the trash, you little rebels.

Why don't you poop in your hand

and throw it everywhere?

- Let's not do any of that. - Okay, I have an idea.

What if we steal the bus?

- All right, stop. - Oh, snap.

- You like it? - If we drive the bus

even ten feet, we will be legends.

- Guys, we're not driving a bus, obviously.

- Oh, come on, man. You read about

these stories all the time.

"Little kid went on a joyride.

What a little rascal."

- That won't be the headline here.

It's gonna be "Tom murders multiple people."

- You gotta be 18 to murder somebody.

If you young, it's a joyride.

- The desk is on fire! Let it burn!

- Guys, let's bring it down, all right?

- Eat my shoe, sub!

- That was uncalled for.

- 911, what's your emergency?

- Yes, hi, I need to report some missing kids.

I am at a school.

I believe the name is Shady Oaks Elementary.

- Wait a minute, you believe?

- Yeah, I believe-- I think I saw it.

- You don't know the name of the school?

- I believe its name is Shady Oaks Elementary.

- Hold on, are you a substitute teacher?

- Yes, ma'am, I am.

I don't know what that has to do with anything.

- Sorry to say, sir,

we do not take calls from substitutes.

It's a state-wide policy. - Excuse me?

- Well, you're really unreliable sources,

and you can't retain information.

- I'm a grown, mature man,

and I am reporting some missing children.

- I'm sorry, goodbye.

- Did you just hang up? Did 911 just hang up on me?

- I don't feel good about this.

I don't feel good about this at all.

- Woah, woah, woah. Keep us steady.

Straighten it out a little bit. - I'm trying.

I don't have the upper body strength.

- Oh, my gosh. Straighten it out, Tom.

- I can't control the vehicle.

- Tom, we are in the grass. Straighten her out!

- Oh, no, what am I hitting? What is that sound?

Bushes or people? - Uh-oh.

Everybody, head between your knees.

Brace for impact. We're hitting something.

- Iceberg!

- Guys, we just crashed into my mom's car.

This is amazing! - Amazing? This is a disaster.

- I crashed into my mom's car

in a stolen bus

with Tom, of all people, who she hates.

I can't wait to see the look on her face.

- I'm so confused right now. - All right, you know what?

I'm not gonna stick around for this.

- Guys, what's the point

if I don't get credit for it?

I need her to know it was me.

- You gotta work this out in therapy.

We outta here. - Here we go.

- "Please don't be mad.

"We took the bus.

It happens."

Rule number one of bus driving,

never leave the kids in a running bus.

They steal it every time.

- Okay, we're about to become legends.

- They're gonna talk about us for generations.

We are the kids who stole the bus.

- Woah, guys, look. - Oh, my God.

- There's cops, there's teachers.

This is amazing. We're gonna be on the news.

- Just tell them it was all your idea.

Tom really was a bystander.

- I know what I'm gonna say, I'm ready.

Okay, you got me.

- "You got me"? That was your big zinger?

- Uh, hello? Criminal here.

- Oh, my God, Dakota. there you are.

You've missed, like, so much.

The sub is, like, totally losing it.

He was slapping himself and just, like, freaking out

and was like, "No one respects me!"

And now he's, uh, threatening

to jump off the building. - I'll do it!

Maybe you'll appreciate me when I'm gone!

How do you find a sub for a sub?

It can't be done!

- Sir, to be honest, I don't know your name,

but we value you at this school.

- Oh, please! No one respects me!

- I respect you. - Here, we'll do a little test!

Let's hear a round of applause

from everyone here that respects me!

Crickets!

That kid right there, he told me

he had an appointment for a chiropractor

so he could skip school and I believed him.

- He skipped school? - How clueless am I?

Goodbye, world!

Ah! Oof.

What kind of idiot lands in a bush?

- Wow, that was so anticlimactic.

- Tom, skipping school?

That's not okay. - I'm sorry.

- Hey, you wanna use the handcuffs?

- Yes, handcuffs! - What?

- All right, come here, you little son of a bitch.

- What? No, get off.

- Here we go. Oh, don't resist.

- I literally left school for 45 minutes.

- What about me? You don't wanna cuff me?

I stole a bus, and I almost stole some tacos.

- Oh, that's funny, Dakota.

You're so responsible, often I think

you should be the principal.

- Okay, let's go. Downtown, buddy.

- You know what? This whole persona

is just not getting any traction.

- Look, it's a running bus right here.

If nobody's gonna question it,

we should take it for another spin, right?

- You know, I feel like you're the only one

who gets it at this school.