All language subtitles for Ten.Year.Old.Tom.S01E11.Principal.is.Banging.My.Mom.1080p.HMAX.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

- ♪ Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect
our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪

- Kids, I've graded
your mid-term exams.

Some of you
performed atrociously,

while others
stepped up quite well.

- B-minus?

- Oh, don't be mad, Tom,
it was a hard test.

- Mad? I'm ecstatic.

I've never gotten
a B-minus in my life!

- Oh, well.
Congratulations, then.

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna dance.
I can't control myself.

- My man!
I knew you could do it, baby!

- I've never been this happy
in my life. I got a B-minus!

- Attention, students.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but this is very urgent.

Tom, I need to see you now.

- Kind of puts a damper
on the B-minus dance.

- Get up right now
and go, go, go, go.

Run towards my office!

- Hey, Principal,
I ran down the hall.

What's going on?
- Tom, it's about your mother.

- My mom? What do you mean?
Is she okay?

- Are you kidding me?

She's better than okay.
She's on fire.

- Wait. I'm not following.
What?

- I'm attracted to your mom,
and I've been watching her

for years at PTA meetings,
at bake sales.

I saw her come out
of the supermarket;

I sat in my car, I got aroused.

- I'm not sure this was
an urgent matter.

- Well, it's urgent for me.
I need a favor.

- Okay.
- When you get home, I want you

to try to casually weave
my name into the conversation.

- Just casually weave it in?
- Casually. Something like,

I don't know, "The principal's
got a great personality.

Hey, ever notice his tush,
Mom?"

- That's not gonna
sound natural.

When I get home, I usually
just say, "When's dinner?"

- Tom, you owe me.
- Do I?

- How do you think
you got a B-minus?

- Hard work?
- I pulled strings, okay?

- Wait, you're saying
it's a fake grade?

- Yeah.
- Oh, this is really going to

a dark place here.

- Not if you know how
the world works,

it's not dark, Tom.

But the most important thing is

please keep this between us.

- Why?
- Well, the school frowns

upon--they almost over-frown
upon principals

hitting on moms.

- My son got a B-minus?
- Yeah, it's no big deal.

- This is amazing!

- Yeah, enough
about me, though.

- I couldn't be more proud.

- Uh, anyway,
on an unrelated note,

I just overheard some of
the moms talking at school.

They really seem to think
the principal is hot.

- Excuse me?
- The principal.

They seem to think he's got--

uh, what was the phrase?
Cute buns or a--

- Cute buns?
- Hot tush.

- So a lot of butt talk
about the principal.

- It was a lot
of different stuff.

They got into the personality,
the fun sense of humor.

- Mm-kay.
- I don't know why

I focused on the--on
the butt comments,

but it was a lot
of positive talk, is all.

- Did the principal tell you
to talk to me about his body?

- You know what?
I think the guy likes you,

so do--do what
you will with it.

- He likes me?

Wow, this day
keeps getting better.

- Oh, it's a good thing?
- Guess what.

The guy's a principal

of a school.
- Okay.

- This guy can declare
snow days.

He can order textbooks in bulk.

He can have bike racks
installed wherever he wants.

- I don't know if that's
considered powerful.

- If I can upgrade
from plumber to principal,

we're back in business.
- Really?

- You tell him I'm in.
- All right. Great.

- Even if it gets weird.
Even if he's into some kink.

Like, whatever kind of date
he wants to go on, I'm in.

- I'll just say you're in.

- Excuse me.
When you get a chance,

could we get some, uh,

water from the sink,
and is all the bread free?

- Uh, yes, sir.
All the bread is free.

- And I know
you brought us butter.

If I asked for extra butter,
is that free, too?

- Yeah, that's free also, sir.

- Okay, thank you very much.

- Okay.

He's being silly
and hilarious.

We're gonna take
the seafood tower

and your classiest wine,

'cause I am on a date
with a principal.

- What do you think
principals make?

- Well, more than my jackass
husband used to make.

Let's get some photos,
make him jealous,

show him how good I'm doing.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

If this gets out,
I will lose my job.

- No one's gonna see it.
Hey, waiter! Come over.

You're gonna get
some pictures of us. Okay?

- Okay.
- I'm gonna lay on the table.

He's gonna undo his shirt,
and I'm gonna put lobster

on his bare skin
and eat it off of his skin.

- I don't like to do that.
- Oh, okay.

- Oh, geez.
- Okay!

- Oh, that's inappropriate.

- Okay, baby bird some lobster
into my mouth.

- Okay.

- What have I done?
Oh, this is not good.

- Principal? Is that you?
- Oh, Tom!

Oh, my God.
It's so funny seeing you here.

- It's my house.
This is my kitchen.

- Yeah, I just didn't expect
to see ya--

- Why are you here?
- I stopped by

to go over your grades
with your mother.

- Is that my dad's shirt?
- Oh, that?

I spilled coffee
on my shirt this morning.

And I--

Tom, I'm gonna--I'm gonna
level with you.

I didn't think this thing

with your mom
was gonna escalate so fast.

- Okay.
- I mean, your mom's

a wonderful woman,
but she's a maniac.

- That's a lot to take in.

- Tom... I'm schtupping
your mother.

- Schtup? What is that?
- We-we you know.

Flippity flip, floppity flop.

Look, I don't know
how to say it in--in a--

- Does it have to do with
pancakes or what are you--?

- Tom, the important thing is
that no can know about this.

If this word gets out,
I'm done.

- All right, so what do you
want me to do?

- Promise me you'll keep it
our secret and I will give you

anything you want at school.
You name it.

- Anything?
- Anything.

- Literally anything?

- Literally anything.

- Just anything,
anything I want?

- Just say it.

- How about, uh, free pencils

and some kind of, uh, pouch
to keep them in?

- Done.
- Really?

- Yes.
- That's amazing.

- Aw, look at my two guys.

Tom, get on his lap.

Principal, you feed him
some pancakes.

We-we need to stick it

to my ex-husband
and to Tina the slut.

- This doesn't feel right
at all.

- Let's just get it over with.

- Free pencils?
- How sweet is that?

- Man, this guy is throwing rod
in your mom

and all you asked
for was free pencils?

- All I asked for? I'm never
going to need a pencil again.

- Come on, man!
You need to think big.

With a secret like that,
you could ask for anything.

- All right. I mean,
I guess we could try

escalating this a bit.
- Nelson's right.

- Oh, boy. Here we go.

- With blackmail,
you basically own the person.

- Own them?
- In grown-up terms, Tom,

you could say
he's your bitch now.

- Please don't curse
on the bus.

- Guys, how do you think I got

this sweet bus driving gig?

- You didn't just apply?
- Blackmail.

- Oh.
- Got nude pics

of the bus dispatch guy.
- Henry?

- That's how I have
job security.

I can do whatever I want.

- I'm tempted to say,
can we see them?

- He's sucking his own
dick, guys.

- Oh! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa.
- Whoa.

Wow.
- We've got to start sitting

further back on the bus.

- Hey there, big boss man.

- Oh, wow. Is this peppermint?

Don't mind if I do.

- All right. First of all,
put the peppermints down!

And you guys don't just come
running in here like that.

Do you even
have an appointment?

- Appointment?
- We're not appointment guys.

- Listen, I know what's what.

Tom told me you's banging
his mom

and you offered him pencils.

You offered my man pencils?
- Are you joking?

- Sorry, I crack
under pressure.

I told him.
- This is outrageous.

- We would like to leverage
this to our advantage.

- Yeah, we want to, um, do

a little blackmail type thing.

- We've got a list of demands.

- This is ridiculous!

A VIP card that gets you
out of trouble?

- Laminated.
- Two recesses per day?

Great. And I have to read
an anti-Hector announcement,

oh, that you guys write?

- That's it.
- Come on, I can't do this.

- Who's the principal now,
bitch?

- Wow.
- All right, all right.

That's too much.
I know we have power now,

but that was crossing the line.

- Um, may I ask why you two
aren't in class?

- You may not.
Talk to the VIP note.

- Oh, my God.

- All right, guys.

I have an announcement

that I have to read to you.

Hector is stupid.
- What?

- Thank you.
I'm telling you

because if I don't,
nobody else will.

- Come on, wrap it up.

Recess is over.

- Actually,
we're gonna double dip.

- Double dip?
- Double decker recess,

whatever you want to call it.

You have a problem,
talk to the principal.

- ♪ Let's get it on now ♪

- Oh, we are living.
I'm having a great time.

- Wow, I'm having
a good time too.

I mean, but, uh, just, uh,
if you could just ease up

on the churros
because they're $10 each.

- Why would you care about
$10 each?

You're a prina-ci-pal-a.

- Do you mind if I ask
how many you bought?

- 30.
- Oh, my! 30?

Are you kidding me?
That's $300.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing with them?

- A couple I ate, but mostly
I'm just throwing them.

- Hey, knock it off!

- So 2 you ate and 28
you're throwing!?

- I mean, some ratio
akin to that, yeah.

- Oh, my God.
-

- Give me my credit card.
Seriously.

- Come and get it.

- I don't want to come
and get it.

- Hey, you.

- Stop throwing the churros,
lady!

- Oh, Nelson.
I like this VIP lifestyle.

- The sun is shining on us.
- Taking a long lunch

while the rest of the chumps
are in the cafeteria.

- This whole mom banging
episode

really worked out in our favor.

- Oh, no.
- What? What?

- What's this? Dakota's mom?

- How many moms
is this guy banging?

- All right,
we gotta stop this.

- We gotta do something.

If he break up with your mom,
our privileges are done.

- This has to end now.
What do we do? Google it.

"How to stop principal
from banging moms."

- "Stop principals
from banging moms."

- "Principal banging
multiple women."

- "Principal banging--" Ugh!

- Nothing comes up?
- We got 18 results.

Only two of them in English.

- Oh, man.
Let's get out of here.

All right. What's the plan?

- We're gonna hack
his computer.

- How are we gonna do that?

- Look, we just need to guess
his password,

then write a break-up email
to Dakota's mom.

- Oh, I love that.
- What do you think

a guy like him
would use for a password?

- I don't know, "principal"
or, uh, "the principal"?

- "The principal." Nope.

- Try "a principal."
- "A principal." Nope.

- Try "I'm the principal."
- "I'm the principal." Nope.

- Hey, guys!

Need some help
with your homework?

- No. We're trying to hack

a grown man's email.

What kind of passwords
do grown men use?

- Try every variation of the
word penis, followed by 69.

- How many variations of penis
are there?

- Oh, there's a lot.
Are you ready?

- Dong69.
- "Dong69". Nope.

- Rod69.
- "Rod69." Nope.

- Wiener69.
- "Wiener..." Nope.

- Johnson69.
- "Johnson..." Nope.

- How about Boner69?
- "Boner69." That's it!

- All right, we're in!
- Thanks, Dad.

- I'm glad I could help.
- Screw unlimited pencils.

We're getting unlimited
everything.

Now we just need to craft
a carefully worded email.

- All right, let me write it.

I'm pretty smart,
with the B-minus and all that.

- Oh, no. No, Tom.

This is my territory.
I know how adults talk.

You see how I just
talked to that adult?

- All right, you write it.

I'll chime in.
- Let's go.

"Dear Dakota's mom."
- Nice.

- "Pursuant to
my prior obligations"--

- Pursuant. I love that.
- "As per our meeting..."

- It sounds like a principal
wrote that. It's amazing.

- Come on, everybody!

- Hey, Coach?

I know you got gym class
going on

but can you clear
the floor for us?

- What are you saying?
- Tom and I have chosen

to play a game of one-on-one
today.

- Uh, this is a gym class.

I can't clear the floor
for two kids.

- Oh, he don't know?
- Yeah, he doesn't know.

- Oh, you don't know?
- Talk to the card.

- What is this?

He's giving special treatment
to some kids and not others?

- Hey, I mean, this is the way
the world works, I was told.

- This is what Martin Luther
King marched about.

- Speaking of marches, Coach,
get the marching band together.

We're about to play
full court one-on-one.

- Full court?
- Let me get your whistle.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't
touch my whistle.

- Coach, I hate to pull rank.
- Tom, my whistle will not go

in another man's mouth.
- Give me that whistle.

- No. You're not--
What? No. No.

- Hey, this is the game
of the century, Coach.

You don't want to miss this.

- No, I can't just leave school
to rent mopeds

and just cruise around all day.

- Lady, you cannot go in there.

- Hold on. I'll call you
right back.

- No! I said you can't!
- Yes, I am.

- Don't make me
forcibly restrain you.

- Don't touch me like that!
Gah! Oh, she's biting me!

Oh, look who it is.
Principal Dickwad.

What is this email
that you sent?

- I sent an email?
- Don't play dumb,

'cause guess what?
I was smart and I printed it.

I meet with you
to discuss a bake sale,

and then you write back
saying you can't bang me

since you're already
banging Tom's mom?

What is that?

- I didn't write anything.
What are you--

- Dating a student's parent
is strictly off limits.

It's taboo!

- No, I--
- I swear to God,

you better fix this
and you better fix it now.

- You know what?
I'm calling it off,

because she's a handful anyway.
Thank you for swinging by,

because you're doing me
a favor.

- Hey, look who it is.
- I have to break it off.

- Oh, yes, I agree.
This is great.

- You're not upset at all?

- I found out what grade school
principals make.

Heh, you make less than
an average plumber.

- Okay, I'm not dirt poor,
but--

- I mean, you're pretty poor.
See ya!

- Okay.

- All right, me and Nelson
are gonna play

a little one-on-one
while you guys watch.

- Hector gonna do
the play-by-play.

- That's just the way
it's gonna be.

- Ah! Percussion!
Start right now.

Can I get a low
tat-tat-tat-tat?

- We've really come a long way

from the pencil request,
I've got to say.

- We're two kings right now
about to make history.

- Here we go!

- What a match up.

Two legends in basketball
going head to head,

where us losers get to watch
the best game of their lives?

What?

- Attention, everybody.

I have a quick announcement.

Some fake VIP passes
have been floating around,

so if any idiots
come up to you

and say they should get
special treatment,

please tell them to shut up.
Have a nice day.

- All right, let's play!

- Well, fun while it lasted,
I guess.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What happens now?

- Just be regular
ten-year-old kids, I guess.

- Aw, man.
We're falling on hard times.

- ♪ Let's get it on now ♪