Original subtitles

- High heat? Oh, please.

No, I'd rather have it with no heat.

Why is that an option?

- Mom?

- All it does is make me wonder,

"Should I do with no heat?"

- Mom. - What?

- You know how to do laundry, right?

- Pfft, I'm a mom. I know how to do laundry.

- My pants have been pretty tight lately.

I think maybe you're overdrying them by, like, a good hour.

- Tom, did you ever stop

and think maybe you're just becoming morbidly obese?

- Mom, you know I'm not obese.

- I look into your eyes sometimes and I think,

"Is he gonna one day

have to get airlifted out of his own bathroom?"

- Why don't we just buy me some new pants?

At least I'll be comfortable.

- Oh, it's that easy.

We just stroll out of the laundry shop...

- Laundry shop? - And we just go

and casually buy a nice pair of Z. Cavariccis.

What is wrong with this thing? Ugh!

This thing ate my quarter.

- You really shouldn't be doing that here.

- Oh, please, buddy. Get off my nuts.

- Girl, let's get some meat on those bones.

How about a little extra cheese on those cheese fries?

- Oh, so good. You're the best, Lunch Lady.

- Aww, go on. You go on now.

- Lunch lady! Whoo!

Let me get two foot-long chili dogs.

- Oh, God bless you, Nelson.

My little hungry, hungry hippo over here.

- Hi there. - Mm.

- Can I just get a small apple juice?

- A what now? - Small apple juice, please.

I brown-bagged it, so I don't need any food.

- You don't need any--any cheese?

- Cheese on my apple juice?

- I can't get you a--a cookie?

- Just the juice, no cheese or anything.

- Can someone get this idiot a small apple juice?

- I'm feeling my banter wasn't as much fun as everyone else's.

I'm a hungry hippo.

- Tom, it was awfully nice of you to stop by.

- All right. You're the best, Lunch Lady.

- Okay. Bye-bye now.

- Oh, man. - Nelson, keep walking.

- Hey, dudes. - Don't look left.

- Hey, dudes, over here. - Hey, Hector.

- Hey, sit down. - Listen.

- Um...

We--we decided to move on.

We might mix up the table arrangement.

- Yeah, we're trying to upgrade to a cooler table.

- Guys, this is a major betrayal.

- Hector, please. - We have inside jokes.

- Hector. - We already have a table name.

You know, The Three Amigos, Plus Randy.

- No one calls us that.

- No one call--even Randy doesn't call--look at him.

He don't even acknowledge us.

I've never seen anybody chew applesauce before.

- Guys.

- Hector, don't make it so dramatic.

- No. I'm not making it dramatic, but I will say this.

You will rue the day that you decided to abandon Hector.

- All right, fair enough.

- I think we will take our chances.

- And then, like, he has the nerve

to ask me for, like, my chocolate milk.

- Hey, Dakota.

- Whoo-whoo. What's up? What's up?

- Oh, hi, Tom. - Hey.

- Hi, Nelson.

Everyone, this is--this is Tom and Nelson. I know them.

- Okay. - We thought we'd sit.

We thought we'd join you guys.

- Uh, you want to sit here? - Yeah.

- With us? - I don't feel good about this.

- That is a yes. Oh, I'm Nelson, by the way.

I'm a, what you might call the fun one out of the duo.

You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah. - Whoo!

- I feel like this banter is really flowing.

- Can I have a word, Tom?

- Oh, hey, Lunch Lady, not a great time, actually.

- I've been thinking about this brown-bag thing.

Are my cooking skills not up to your standards anymore?

- Oh, no. It's not you. You're great.

My mom just thinks, you know,

with the kind of food they make you serve,

that you're part of the problem.

- Oh, I'm part of the problem, am I?

- Her words, not mine.

- I'm part of the problem?

- Tom, why are you being so mean?

- Mean? - Yeah. Who even is this guy?

- I said her words, not mine. They're not my words.

- Ugh.

- Tom, I devote my whole life to you kids.

And this is the thanks I get? I'm going home.

- Oh, no. Please. Please.

- Now, you have some extra cheese and it's on the house.

- Wow. - Like I was saying,

I'm the fun one out of the duo.

I didn't even really know this dude.

We met on the bus.

- Wait, you said what to the lunch lady?

- I mean, I might've said she was part of the problem

if that--that set her off.

- You said that?

- I was just repeating what you said.

I've heard you say things like that.

- No, no, no. Look, I said all that behind her back.

- Look, the woman has been working here for 20 years.

You're a human being.

Why would you wanna tear her a new a-hole like that?

- I didn't tear anyone a new a-hole.

I'm not even allowed to say a-hole.

- No, you're not. - Right? It's a forbidden word.

- It's a forbidden word.

And you're gonna get punished for saying it just now.

- He said it. I was repeating what he said.

- Yeah. Well, his mom can punish him.

- My mom's dead. - I'm sorry, Principal.

- Sorry to hear that.

- Here's how it's gonna go down.

You're gonna walk over to the lunch lady's house

and you're gonna apologize in person.

- Look at you. Great parenting. I'm impressed.

- Oh, I'm not finished.

As a reminder of what you've done,

you can't wash the cheese out of your hair for a month.

- All right. Is it just me, or is that a bit much?

- Yeah, it's a bit much.

- Whew.

Thanks for waiting. Thank you guys.

- Man, what's up with the big card, Tom?

- I have to apologize to the lunch lady,

so I made an oversized card.

- Wow. Look, you got a lot of people to sign.

- Oh, no. Those are fake. I signed them myself.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You didn't sign for me. Did you?

- Yeah. You wrote, "Thinking of you, Lunch Lady,

during these troubled times. Signed, Sweet Nelson."

- Come on, man! You think I talk like that?

I'd have at least written something funny.

- She's not even gonna read it.

- This is bad for my brand right here.

- Hey, you didn't sign for me, did you?

- I believe I did. Yeah.

You wrote, "Hey, ho, Lunch Lady--"

- What? - "You da bomb.

Signed, Crazy D."

- Crazy D? - I wrote these quickly.

I wrote these very quickly.

- Why didn't you just ask me to sign it myself?

- Oh, I don't have time to be going around

asking people to sign a greeting card.

- But you had time to forge all of our signatures.

- Tom, what are you doing here?

- You know, I just wanted to say sorry, clear the air.

In retrospect, you're not part of the problem. I am.

- Damn right. Can I--can I come in?

- Okay, fine. Come in.

- All right. So to show how sorry I am,

and to show what a wonderful kid I am,

I made this oversized greeting card.

- Oh, my God.

- There must be like 200 signatures on that, baby.

Look at this. - Isn't that sweet?

- Wait. "You're the best Lunch Lady."

"Lunch Lady, come back." "Number one Lunch Lady."

There's literally no one in this school know my first name?

- We all know your name. Obviously, we just--

- What is it?

- We prefer to call you Lunch Lady is all I'm saying,

despite knowing your name.

- What's my first name?

- Pretty sure it's either Becky or Brenda or Barb, right?

- Becky? - Unbelievable.

Where's my ladle?

- Calm down, girl. - No.

- See, this kid is pushing my buttons, no.

- It's just a--baby, it's just a greeting card.

- All right, listen, let's all slow down.

Obviously, they want you back.

Why don't you say yes, but ask for,

I don't know, a raise or something?

Hm. - Now, that is a good idea.

- Right? - It's a great idea.

- Tell the Principal you love Tom's card,

you wanna come back,

but here's-- here are your terms.

- I might just do that. You know, you're a good kid.

Why--why don't you stay for dinner?

- I'd love to. Do you have any kind of like

whole wheat sandwiches and bananas?

- Whole wheat? - You know what?

Let's--let's just do dinner some other time, okay?

- I'm proud of you, buddy. - Thanks, Mom.

- You apologized to the Lunch Lady.

And now, I'm gonna wash the cheese out of your hair.

- It's a big day.

And you don't wannna do this in the tub or the shower?

- Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want cheese in my drain.

- All right, just start spraying me down, I guess.

- Hang on one sec. Hello?

- Hi, this is the Principal.

- Hi. Oh, hi, Principal. Sorry.

- Listen. I just got a call from our lunch lady

and she is making all type of like crazy demands.

Something about the health benefits and fair wages.

So I wanted to see if you might be interested.

- In what? - In being the new lunch lady.

- You want me to be the lunch lady?

- Lunch lady? Oh, no. We already have a lunch lady.

- I was very impressed with you

the way you handled Tom the other day.

That whole cheese thing, I mean, that's real tough love.

- Thank you. I would love to be the lunch lady.

I need the money. I love bossing kids around.

This is perfect.

- Not qualified. Not qualified.

- Do I need a certification or what--

- No. Stop it.

You just stand there with a ladle and a hairnet.

And as long as you're not an ex-con, you're hired.

- For argument's sake, let's say I'm not an ex-con.

Count me in.

- Oh, this is not good.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- What's up?

- I've been waiting for, like, 10 minutes.

- Okay. Sorry, kid.

I mean, I just-- I just turned the oven on,

and it's, like, you expect me to wake up at 11:00 a.m.

and get the oven going really early or something.

It's just not gonna happen.

- What happened to the old lunch lady? You're mean.

- When your husband runs away to Myrtle Beach

and starts nailing a slut,

and they stay out till 4:00 at "Da Club"

and she's grinding her butt into his crotch,

I think you'd be mean too.

- How did you get hired here?

- Hi, kid. What?

- Here we are at the old table. - Hey, hey.

- Sorry. Before you sit, no room today.

- Wait, what? - Full up.

- Whoa. Was it all small talk? I mean, we could dial down

the Tom stuff and dial up the Nelson stuff.

- Yeah, we can dial down the Tom.

- Nelson, it is not you. It's Tom's mom.

She's ruining lunch for everyone.

- Oh, no. She's--my mom's pretty solid.

Everyone seems to like her.

- Who? Who likes her?

- What's wrong with her, specifically?

- She takes forever to fulfill your order.

- Okay.

- She threw broccoli at my face.

She could have killed me. I could have died.

- I mean, come on.

You can't die from broccoli wounds.

- She didn't even have the oven on when lunch started.

- That's it? Lazy, mean, and unprepared?

- I'm sorry, Tom.

Until you resolve this, you can't sit with us.

- Oh, this is bad. Look, Tom, your mom got to go.

- Go where? - Outta here.

She's like the Fredo of the cafeteria.

- Fredo? Who's that? Famous lunch lady?

I don't even know why we're friends.

- Hey, Hector, buddy. Listen, we got a favor to ask.

- Oh, all of a sudden I'm everybody's pal and buddy, huh?

- We're staging a coup against my mom to get her fired

and we kind of need your help.

- Okay. Okay.

- Her main weakness is her failure to wear the hairnet.

That's gonna be her downfall.

- Oh, tell me more.

- I'm gonna collect her hair-- a sample of her hair,

and then we need you to choke on it.

- And then I'll come and give you the Heimlich.

- Okay.

- She'll get canned, boom. - Yeah.

- We're all heroes, and guess what?

All three of us amigos would be sitting at the cool table.

- Nice.

- What do you think? What do you say?

- I like that. Yeah, I'm in. One condition, though, guys.

I want to be the Heimlich guy, okay?

- No. - No. No, no.

- Absolutely not.

- You just don't look like the kind of person that would

come in and save someone, you look like--

- You look like somebody that choked.

- Yeah, in a movie, you'd be the guy

who chokes and dies early on.

- Wait, wait, wait. I'm not gonna die in this.

- No, that's the type. That's the character type.

- That's your arc.

- Okay, guys, huddle up. It's game time.

- Yes, sir. - Here's the hair.

- Okay. - You stuff it in your food.

When you're ready, just work the space.

- Oh, trust me, I'll work the space.

- Make some good sounds. Choke it up--

- Quick--quick question, sorry.

If--if I actually choke and die, you guys won't sit

at the cool table without me, will you?

- It would be in poor taste, but who knows?

- Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now, just wait for my signal.

- Is that the signal, Tom? - I don't know.

We didn't rehearse that. Just start doing it.

I think that's it.

- Oops. Oops. Arghhh!

- Oh, no. Hey, hey, Hector's choking.

I think he's choking on my mom's hair.

- Somebody call the nurse. - I'm choking!

- Guys. Come on, pay attention here.

Our friend is--he's literally dying.

Hector, dial it down. No one believes it's real.

- Everybody stand back.

Hector, I'm going to Heimlich you. Turn around.

All right. Ready?

- Oh, no. Hector. Hector, are you dead?

- What's going on?

Why does something always have to happen?

- Here's what we know.

Hector choked on my mother's hair.

She failed to wear the hairnet as instructed.

- Hang on, hang on. Get up, Hector.

- Ah! - Oh, wow. He's alive.

What a close call.

- Tom, is this a coup? - Coup?

- Are you doing a coup right now?

Are you trying to get me fired?

- What makes you even suggest something like that?

- I guess it's mostly that you're holding a bag that says,

"Mom's hair for the coup."

- Tom, that is a new low.

You're trying to get your own mom fired?

- Why is everyone looking at me?

- 'Cause you did it. - 'Cause I did it?

'Cause I am the one who did the whole thing?

- Who should we be looking at? - I guess, yeah, on that level,

I don't come across looking great.

- Who do you think you are? - I tried to warn you guys.

- All right, guys.

Don't leave on that note. Come on.

- Tom, listen. You know that I love you.

- Okay.

- And as a mom, I totally forgive you.

- Thank you. That's a nice way to end it.

- But as a lunch lady,

I have no choice right now but to do this.

- Oh, no.

- You're gonna thank me someday for that.

- That was for my wife. That's her signature move.

You really shouldn't be ripping that off.

- Oh, this is actually a nice--

nice mother-son moment.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪