Original subtitles

- Hey Tom. We all miss you in band.

- You miss me? - Yeah.

- That's literally the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

- That's the nicest? - It's top three.

- That's so sad--you know what? - Well...

- You should come to my birthday party this weekend.

- Great, yeah, count me in. Thank you for the invite.

- Technically, I'm not allowed to invite you,

but you should come. - What does that mean?

- 'Cause, you know, you're more of a secret friend.

- Whoa, that's confusing. - Secret friend? Why secret?

- My mom said I'm not allowed to interact with "your kind."

It's not a big deal.

- Sounds like a big deal. - Here's my solution.

Tell my mom that you're the caterer's son.

- Caterer's son? - Yeah.

- I'm confused. I am invited, or I'm not?

- No, you're definitely not invited, but I want you there.

- What's the dress code? Just casual?

- I'd say whatever you think a caterer's son would wear.

- All right, here goes nothing. Whoa, nice party.

- Wait, wait. - Woah, what's happening?

- Tom? Did we invite you?

- Oh, no, I'm not part of the party.

My dad is the caterer.

- Kevork is your father?

- Kevork is my primary father.

- I thought I heard a rumor

that your dad was in Myrtle Beach.

- He was. He's back.

And he started a Lebanese catering company.

- Are you all Lebanese? - We're not.

He just thought it was a fun theme, a fun motif.

Anyway, I'm gonna let myself in.

All right. Hey, what up, Dad?

- Oh, my God.

- Wow.

I had no idea that this guy was so much fun!

- Yeah, his name's Tom.

We're in band together. We were, I mean.

- Hey, you guys wanna see a backflip?

- Yeah, Tom! Do it!

- You wanna see a backflip, Dakota?

- I mean, not as much as she does.

- Do it, do it right now. Do it.

- Do it, Tom! Show us a backflip!

- All right, here-- - Oh, my God.

- What's happening?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Who is this guy?

- What's up? - We have a problem, Tom.

- Problem? - Some jewelry

has gone missing, and your father

is the one who took it.

- My father? Kevork? - He stole.

And now we'd like you to confront him.

So we don't have to make a scene here.

- Oh, no, he doesn't like to be bothered in the kitchen.

- Thomas, when adults talk to you,

you need to be respectful. - Bradley, shut up.

We're gonna listen from the hall,

and if he gets defensive, we'll come in.

- Oh, no. - The safe word

is bouillabaisse. - Bouillabaisse?

How about something easier like cookie or ham?

- No, we spent a lot on this party, for Christ's sake.

I wanna have a very classy safe word.

Now, don't screw it up. - Oh.

- - Okay, Pops, we need to talk.

- Who are you, and why are you calling me Pops?

- I'm the son. - Whose son?

- It's your son, Tom. - No, no, no, no.

I don't have Tom.

- That's no way to talk to your main boy.

- Main boy? I don't even know you.

- He won't even acknowledge him as his own son.

- It is not right.

- That's what I just said if you had been listening.

- Listen, if you stole something, just put it back.

- Wait, wait. You accusing me of stealing?

- Listen, as a family member, I'm trying to help.

- You know how you can help? You can go over there

to that corner over there and pull your little pants down

and smack your little tush with a spatula.

- Bouillabaisse!

Ham! Bouillabaisse, ham!

- This job is beneath me! You kids are obnoxious.

You know, why don't you cook your own food, all right?

Your BLT or whatever you Americans do, your--

- Pops...

- Organic soybeans and oat milk.

- Dad, so you're not returning the watch?

- I have not taken a watch! - Wow.

This is not good at all.

- Thanks for nothing, folks. Keep your filthy money.

- Tom, aren't you leaving with your father?

- Oh that's right. Oh, wait, wait up, Pops!

- Suck a donkey's ding dong, kid.

- Donkey's ding dong what?

- What a monster!

- All right, I'll see you at home.

- Did your father just leave without you?

- I think he did. That's upsetting.

- Tom, come here. I just feel terrible

for misjudging you all of these years.

- Thank you.

- I thought you were a little strange,

but it's not your fault at all. Because you know what?

You have an abusive situation at your home.

- It explains a lot.

- You just need a male role model in your life

because you don't really have one.

- No one supports me. I'm a good guy.

- Oh! Tom should go on Dad's fishing trip with him!

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, my God, that's a great idea, Brad.

- No, it's a terrible idea. - It's a great idea.

- He wouldn't even like that. What kids like fishing?

- Honestly, it sounds like the trip of a lifetime.

- You need to bring him along.

- If he gets hurt, then we're liable.

If--if he kills someone, we're liable--

- Great, it's decided.

I'm gonna clear it with Tom's mom.

Plus, Brad, your friends all teach at his school.

- Can I just say one thing? - No.

- One thing, I just want to-- - Brad,

I don't wanna hear it. -

- Hey, Tom. Tom's mom.

- Hi, Dakota's dad.

Thanks so much for including Tom!

He's excited. - It was my wife's idea.

You know, he doesn't have to go even.

- Oh no, I'm looking forward to it.

Can't wait. - Do you have

any questions or concerns? I mean, there's gonna be

a lot of drinking-- hard alcohol and whatnot.

- No. - He'll be exposed to

rough language and open sewage and...

- Zero--is there a number I can reach you at?

- Ooh, unfortunately, there's no cell service up there.

We'll be completely off the grid.

- Mm, well...

sometimes you gotta let your kid

off the grid, right, Tom?

- What? - I don't get the house

to myself a ton, so I'm excited.

- All right, it's your child's funeral.

Tom, just get in the car, then,

if you're so hellbent on going.

We're running late, so...

- ♪ Give yourself another chance, my darling ♪

♪ Don't be satisfied with second best ♪

- Tom's in the house. - Ah, what the shit.

- Sorry, guys, Tom's joining us this year.

- Doesn't this ruin the whole trip?

- Not the warmest welcome. - It sucks.

I tried to stop it.

- Anyway, let's get started here.

I need to just borrow some fishing equipment,

and boots, and a hat, and a pole.

- Tom, no one's doing any fishing.

I mean, this is mostly about booze and grab-ass.

- Brad, please!

- Your wife didn't mention any of that.

- Yeah, well, she's on a need-to-know basis.

And Tom, on this trip you can call me "Double D."

- Oh, for "Dakota's Dad"? - Sure.

It's not because I like big boobs.

- Big boobs, what does that have to do with Double D?

- Tom, what you are about to witness this weekend

stays in the group, never to be discussed

outside of this inner sanctum of masculinity.

- I feel like the trip's taking a weird turn.

- It's called Bro Code, because guys don't rat on guys.

Now let's make a pact by urinating in a circle.

- What? - Oh, no.

- Come on, man. - No.

- Whip 'em out, guys.

Who's in the mood for some tunes?

- Yeah, I guess. - I guess so.

- This is a little song I wrote

called "My Wife Just Doesn't Get It."

- Here we go. - ♪ My wife ♪

♪ Just doesn't get it ♪

♪ A pain inside my butt, yeah ♪

♪ Her mouth will never shut, no, no ♪

- Weird subject matter, but--

- He's got nine other songs about his wife; it's crazy.

- Hey, Tom, I don't want you to let how you see me here

affect the way you view me as a principal.

- Oh, no, it's Bro Code. This all stays here.

- And, look, he's the one doing all the nasty stuff.

We just come here to relax and have a few beers.

- Yeah, he seems like he's working through some issues.

- Come on, T, sing along! - All right, Brad, please stop.

You're giving me a headache.

- Oh, whatever. Eff this thing.

No one appreciates my music anyway.

- Wow.

- All right, come on, calm down, it's not the--

- We need to take this party up a notch, huh?

I refuse to let a certain someone ruin my big weekend.

- He's talking about me or his wife?

- Tom, do me a favor, bro.

I need your little feet to run up there.

Grab me some booze,

Cool Ranch Doritos, and a couple rubbers.

- Brad, come on. - He's a big kid.

He knows what's what, right, T?-

- What are they? What am I looking for?

- They're like, um, they're like sweaters for your penis.

It does--it really does get chilly up here.

- All right, let me go grab 'em.

- Hey, while we wait, can one of you idiots

jump in the lake and get my guitar?

I need to go drop a deuce.

- Why are we still friends with him?

- I don't--you know what, I think that all the time.

I don't know why.

- Booze, Doritos, penis sweaters.

All right, good to go.

- Um, hello? Am I in the right place?

I'm looking for DD. - Oh!

Oh, Dakota's Dad. He's down by the lake

singing a song about his wife.

- Ugh, figures.

- What are you doing? Can you stand?

- You're adorable.

- I gotta get back with the booze, but--oh, no--

Oh, no, don't lay down. What are you doing?

- I'm just exhausted. It's just a factory.

It's always, Rhonda, blow this, Rhonda, yank that.

- Okay, off the couch. I have to go; I'm busy.

- Twelve dongs a day, that's too many dongs!

- It sounds like a very rough job,

but I don't have time to chat.

- Should be three dongs a day. - Please stop saying dong.

This trip is much filthier than I was expecting.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, look at me.

- Yeah? - Let's do something wholesome.

- Sounds weird, but what do you want to do?

- Let's make s'mores.

- That's the first good idea I've heard.

That sounds great.

- I know! Let's divvy up the work.

You make the s'mores and get the fire going.

I'm just gonna crash on the couch.

- That's divvying up, or that's me doing it all?

- This one is called

"Why Does My Wife Insist on Belittling Me in Public?"

- You need to work on a couple of these song titles.

- ♪ Why ♪

♪ Does my wife ♪

♪ Insist on belittling me ♪

♪ In front of our friends ♪

- How many times are you gonna say "wife" in a song?

- She's not singing songs about him, I guarantee it.

- ♪ In a public place, I'm a big disgrace ♪

- Rhonda, the fire's not starting.

Rhonda, can you wake up?

The lighter fluid says keep away from children.

Can you just give it a quick squirt?

- I have to do everything on this trip.

Oh, no! Oh, no.

Rhonda, please. Flames.

Come on, for God's sake. How tired can you possibly be?

Don't panic, Tom. How do you work this thing?

- Brad? - Oh, 911?

- I thought cell phones didn't work up there.

- Dakota's mom? - Tom?

- The cabin's kind of on fire.

- Thomas, what are you talking about?

- The lady friend's purse is on fire.

- Oh, my God, Thomas, slow down.

Where are you? - I can't tell you where I am.

- Where's my husband?

- Unfortunately, I can't divulge that.

- What does that even mean? - It's a code.

We pissed in a circle. - What?

- Oh, my God, we're going to burn down.

I've already said too much.

- I'm getting in the car. I'll be there in 40 minutes.

- Don't come. - Oh, my God,

I can't find my car keys. - Goodbye.

Rhonda, no job is that exhausting.

- Okay, folks, fire's out.

Looks like it started in the fireplace,

then some pervert for some reason had a shitload

of rubbers in the pantry. Those lit up like tinder.

You know, those are good for fucking, bad for fires.

Just a little fire tip there for you.

Okay, you folks be safe now.

- All right, I want the truth.

What exactly happened here?

- You know, just hanging out. Fishing.

- Yeah, I caught a bass.

- Oh, my God, you guys are useless.

Tom. - Me?

- I need to know what exactly happened.

- Uh, well, from what I know...

the guys were fishing and singing some fun songs.

- Yeah? - And Rhonda took a nap--

- Who the hell is Rhonda?

- She's with my dad's catering company.

- What's up? - She's in charge of the meat.

Is that a job at a catering company?

- You know what? I'm tired of this.

Tom, you're back on my list.

- Back on the list? No.

- And, Bradley, you're driving yourself home.

- Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom. - Thank you, Double D.

- Being a man isn't about fishing or camaraderie.

It's about lying. And you seem like a natural.

- Thank you, Double D. - When you're old enough,

you should join us on the trip.

- I think I got my fill. - I'm with Tom.

I'll just go ahead and pass too.

You can count me out. - Yeah, we've been meaning

to say something for, like, ten years now.

We--we really don't like you, Brad.

- Wow. That's a lot to take in.

Reminds me of a song I've been working on actually.

- Oh, sh-- -

- ♪ My friends, they all are pussies ♪

♪ And they don't know how to party ♪

♪ Yeah, they don't know ♪ - This is the worst one yet.

I don't want to be in one of his songs.

- At least his wife ain't in it.

- ♪ My friends, they all are pussies ♪

♪ No, they can't keep up with me ♪

♪ No, they can't keep up with me ♪

♪ Such a damn tragedy ♪

- I should really go home or check-in or something.

This is really pushing the limits.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪