Original subtitles

- Okay, kids, as you know,

our spelling bee team is heading on to regionals!

So let's bring them out to show our support.

First up is... Dakota.

And Nelson.

- Is Mr. B. okay? He seems very worked up.

- Give it up for Hector. And Suzie!

And our team captain...

Rahul! He ain't no tool!

- Rahul's in the house!

- This is for the spelling bee team?

- Biggest brain on the block,

pre-med out the womb. - Okay, Rahul.

Quiet down, I have something I wanna say.

Now, listen, as proud as I am of you guys,

this year we wanna just have a little bit more diversity

on the team. - You can't be serious.

The team couldn't be more diverse.

- Okay, that is true.

But I'm talking about intellectual diversity.

I just don't think events like these should be reserved

just wealthy and smart families.

- So you want dumb kids on the spelling bee team?

- No, not like, super dumb.

Just, like, you know, average dumb.

Like a little sprinkle of dumbness on a regular kid.

Like Tom dumb. - "Tom dumb"?

Oh no, leave me out of this. - Tom, Tom, the path

to all Ivy Leagues schools starts here.

- I can't imagine I'm gonna go to college.

- Your school needs you. They're chanting your name.

- Are they? No one's chanting at all.

- We want Tom. - Oh, don't chant, come on.

- We want Tom, we want Tom.

We want Tom. We want Tom.

- Yay!

- Literally the worst chant I've ever heard.

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanation ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- Welcome to the New Jersey State Regional Spelling Bee.

- Spelling bee... time to spell.

There's a time to spell and there's a time

to--to get up there and spell things.

- Tom. - Hey, hey, Dakota.

- We got you a gift. - A gift?

- It's from the whole team. - That's incredible.

What is it, a weird little pin?

- It's got the image of a lion

ripping the heart out of a griffin.

And it says "

I will die for my team" in Latin.

- That's a little intense, no?

- Relax, man, don't take it too literally.

- You want me to relax? - Yeah, we won't punch you

straight in the mouth if you spell

a word wrong or anything. - Punch me in the mouth?

Why are you even talking about stuff like that?

- No, if we lose because of you,

we're not gonna... murder you.

- Why'd you say it like that? -

Of course, we're not gonna take Tom out back

and beat him with a rusty hoe.

Where would we get a hoe?

- I mean who does that? Murder somebody

because they misspelled a word.

- And they're off.

- Lou, look at you!

You are looking good today.

- Not as good as your mom

with her mouth wrapped around my hey.

- I told you last time I'm not crazy about those jokes,

but I'm doing good. Listen.

Give me $100 on the Knicks taking points.

And give me $250 on the Yanks just straight up.

- You got it. - Hey, I have...

Okay, is it between me and you?

- You want to join in with me and your mom?

- All right, do you guys

do, like, grade school spelling bee bets

and shit like that? - Of course I do spelling bees.

I mean, those parents are maniacs.

We get tons of action on that stuff.

- Oh, I love it! Give me ten grand

on Shady Oaks Elementary to lose.

- Ten grand to lose? That's your school.

- I'm not proud of it, but there's a ton of duds

this year. Just big duds.

- Yeah, that's what your mom said--ooh!

- Does anyone love when you do that?

What's the best way I should react to that?

- All right!

Who's ready to see some little kids spell some shit?

Let's see some I before E except after C, that shit.

Let's go! - All right, Tom,

don't get nervous.

Don't urinate in your pants.

- Tom. - What's that?

Whose hand is that? - Look straight ahead.

Don't make eye contact. Don't turn around.

- Mr. B?

- I'm gonna discreetly stuff an envelope in your pocket.

I'm not saying it contains the answers,

but I'm not saying it doesn't.

- What's happening? I don't wanna cheat, Mr. B.

- Tom, you have a moral obligation to cheat.

These other kids have worked hard all year for this.

Rahul's family flew in from Chennai for this-

- Just for this? Are they doing

other things while they're here or is that the whole trip?

- I don't know, Tom, I didn't ask.

- It's just a long flight. - For God's sake, son!

This is the regionals. Nothing is more important.

These kids study until they vomit.

Now, get out there and make me proud.

- Do you think it's possible you take this

a little too seriously?

- Your first word is...aardvark.

- Aardvark. Easy.

A to the A to the R to the D to the V to the A

to the R to the K. Aardvark, bitches.

- Okay, that whole thing was very inappropriate.

- I agree, that was too much. What was that voice I did?

- Okay, our next competitor is Tom.

- All right, thanks for having me, everyone.

I'm ready to spell it up. Throw one at me.

- Tom, your first word is...armoire.

- Armoire? - Oh, come on,

not all kids have "armoires."

- Excuse me. - We have closets

like normal people. - Ma'am.

- Tom, just spell closet. - That is not the word.

- Mom, I've got this. - Yes,

Tom is one of our best spellers.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, sorry. - Is your eye okay?

- I was winking. I'm not a great winker.

- I think it is time for you to spell the word.

- Oh, God. -

- A-R-M-O-I-R-E. Armoire.

- That is correct! - Wait, how did he...

- As much as it pains me,

Shady Oaks will advance to the finals.

- All right, Tom! - Yes! That was fantastic!

- That's my baby son who knows how to spell armoire!

- There's my principal.

I did it, what a victory. What a...

- Tom, get in here. Close the door, please.

And shove a towel under the bottom--

really shove it in there good.

And cover your mouth--

- It's not exactly a high-five-

- Cover your mouth when you talk, please.

- What's going on. Are you okay?

- Tom, I know you cheated.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, I just didn't want to let everyone down.

But hey, we won, right?

- No, Tom, that's the problem. I gamble on these games.

- Wait, you gamble, what? - Yes.

And I gambled that we'd lose.

That's why I placed you on the team.

- I'm not following. Why?

- Our school budget, it's a mess.

- Okay. - So I figured out

I'd add a deadbeat kid like you

to the team... - Deadbeat?

- And then I'd bet against us,

and then I would win-- - Okay.

- Listen, up. Then I would take the money

and funnel the winnings back into the budget.

- Is this the kind of stuff you do in here all day?

- Tom, I need you to throw the next match.

- Nah, I think, you know, that's where I draw the line.

That feels kind of sleazy.

- Tom, you're already cheating!

All I'm asking you to do is not cheat!

- Well, if you look at it that way, yeah.

- Yes, that's the way I want you to look at it.

- So it's either a scheme or a hoax, is the basic choice.

- Oh, my God, you could twist and turn

and make anything look wrong.

- This is exhausting. Talking to you,

it's always exhausting.

- I know, I'm literally exhausted.

I'm in a bad mood now.

- Oh, this is nice.

Wow, you didn't have to throw me a barbecue, Mom.

- I did have to throw you a barbecue,

because I'm so proud of you, Tom.

My boy is going to the state spelling bee.

- Glad you're proud, Ma, glad you're proud.

- What the... Uncle Bill! -

- I cannot believe you drove down from Boston!

- I wouldn't miss this for the world, 'ey?

Yeah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy.

- Oh, okay. - Come here, hug your uncle,

you goofy, ugly sonofabitch.

Come here! - That's a bit much.

it's a bit much. - Why are you fighting?

- That's a bit--it's a bit mu-- - Listen, hey.

Do me a favor, Tommy. - All right.

- Spell hot dog.

- Uh-oh, tests!

Okay, okay, let's get into it.

- H-O-T-D-O-G.

- Kid's a friggin' genius. - There it is.

- Look at you with the big head, with the words.

All right, now spell bun.

- B-U-N-N. - Great, right.

- Yes. - Now spell eat, eat.

- E-A-T. These are pretty easy words,

Uncle Bill. - Listen, I gotta ask you--

what's the bathroom situation here?

I mean, do I go to the bathroom indoors

or is it anything goes?

- No, no, Uncle Bill, it is not an anything goes thing.

So we're gonna want you to go indoors.

- All right, you might wanna check your driveway.

Tommy, I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you.

- As the two biggest duds in this family,

we gotta stick together. You know what I'm saying?

- Well, I don't know if people lump us together like that.

- Oh, they do, no, they do. - Yeah, well.

- Listen--

if you ever need help, I'm here for you, okay?

- I've actually got a pretty big dilemma on my hands.

Can I share it with you?

- I don't know what dilemma means.

- I just got a problem.

This whole spelling thing is a lie.

My coach is making me cheat, but my principal

wants me to not cheat and throw the match.

- I'm not known for my advice...

- Okay.

play by the rules.

If you're honest, you can hold your head up high

whether you win or you lose. - That's great advice,

but I'm not a good speller. I'm going to lose.

- I-I'll--I'll help, okay? We'll study all weekend.

I'm here, we'll study. We'll do flashcards,

we'll do spelling books... - Really?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

We'll learn Latin. - Learn Latin?

That's great! We should probably start,

like, right away, right? - Well, let's dive in tomorrow.

Right now I'm going to butt chug a beer.

- The word is psittaceous--

of or relating to parrots.

- Hey, judge, are you ready for Rahul to rock your world?

- I don't have any other choice but to say yes.

Please spell the word.

- Then peep game.

P-S-I-T-T-A-C-E-O-U-S.

Psittaceous. S-U-C-K-I-T.

- Excuse me? - J-U-D-G-E.

Suck it, judge.

I am so sorry. I just get worked up.

I get worked up.

- P-H-A-L-A-E-A-E-N-O-S-I-

- Tom, you're almost up.

Have you reviewed your secret envelope?

- I don't need to cheat anymore.

I can win this fair and square.

- No, Tom, you can't. - I can.

- Your brain is like a small squirrel's or a ferret's.

- Listen, I've been practicing. I learned Latin.

- Tom--with whom? - Just Uncle Bill.

That's all you need to know.

- And what are your uncle's qualifications?

- I'm not saying he's an intelligent man, but--

- And what has Uncle Bill taught you, Tom?

- Listen, Mr. B, I'm sorry; you steered me wrong.

I'm gonna do this the honest way.

- Tom! Oh, my God.

- And when I get to the Ivy Leagues,

I'm gonna give you a call

from my dorm room at H-A-V-E-R-D.

- Would that be the university known as Harvard?

- Different one, diff--I was talking about a different one.

I spelled it right, trust me. - Okay, next up,

representing Shady Oaks Elementary, is Tom.

- Tommy! Show 'em what you learned, baby!

- Come on, Tom! You can do it, baby, come on!

- Yeah, bend this judge over and show him who's boss!

I agree, that was too much.

There's a line and I crossed it.

- Welcome, Tom. I just want to say,

we took your mother's words to heart last time,

so we're now including simpler words that all kids would know,

regardless of income or social status.

So in the spirit of inclusion, let's begin.

Your word is... Tom.

- Tom? That's a crazy coincidence.

That's almost too easy, no? Tom like me?

- Tom as in "the male of a species,

colloquially used to describe turkeys or domestic cats."

- Wow, I think I've got it. T-O-

- Tom, shut up! - What--what's happening?

- It's a trick question, Tommy. - Trick? What?

- Reach down inside you and pull out your Latin.

- My Latin? My Latin...

- The derivative suffixes...

Carpe diem... Pro bono... In absentia... Spell bibliophile!

- Bibliophile, B-L-I-B-L-I-P-I-H-I-L.

- Spell heliotrope! - Heliotrope, H-E-L-I-O-P-R-N-.

- And Latin! - Latin, L-A-T-I-N.

- Again! - Again, A-G-A-I-N.

- You did it! You did it! That's great!

- I think I know how to spell! What's happening here?

The correct spelling of the turkey version of Tom

is...T...

O...

H-M.

- We were looking for T-O-M.

- Oh, man. - Oh, my God.

- Is someone challenging the spelling?

T-O-H-M. Latin base, Latin roots.

- Tom, your team is eliminated,

and you owe us $300 for the microphone.

Thank you, everyone, goodnight.

- Well, that was embarrassing. - That was bad.

- I'm so sorry, Priya Auntie.

- I can't believe we flew 20 hours for this.

- Hey, everybody, guess what?

I bought pizzas and enough for everybody to have their own.

- We lost, miserably. Why are we here?

- We got annihilated.

Look how disappointed my family is.

- Look, life's not always about winning.

And I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes losing,

it literally builds more character.

And I just, I want to thank you, Tom.

Thank you for showing these kids what it's like to lose,

and also what it's like to just be a loser.

- Okay. - To hold your head up high,

even though you know people call you

a loser behind your back. Even the adults.

- I don't know if they do that. - It's commendable.

You push forward with the stench of failure upon you,

and I just respect it.

- All right, you know what, let's wrap this up.

- Everybody, here's to Tom.

To Tom!

- And here's to losing. - Let's just do--just "to Tom."

To losing!

- Being a loser.

- Hey, what's the bathroom situation here?

- You're not literally peeing right now, are you?

- I thought it was okay.