Original subtitles

♪ ♪

- I'm not complaining, Tom,

but you clearly said, "Come over.

I'm having a pool party."

- I mean, pool, hose. Same thing, Right?

- There's no such thing as a hose party.

I've never heard of a hose party.

- It's not a great turnout. I mean, I'll admit that.

- Look, man, I might take off. It's hard to picture

this party taking a turn for the better.

- Yeah.

- Take off? Oh, no, please, no, please.

- What is that?

Do you hear that?

- Uh-oh. - Ice cream man!

- All right, here we go. I don't have money.

Can I borrow? - Sorry, Tom.

With all due respect, man,

I just don't think you're good for it.

- You don't think I'm good for the money?

- Yeah. - Dakota?

- No, my mom would never let me, she'd flip.

- Please, she's wealthy. She won't miss it.

- Tom, she doesn't like you and your quote "ilk,"

and you know that.

- She doesn't like me and my ilk?

- She thinks I'm at ballet right now.

- All right, you know what? I'll hit up my mom.

I'll meet you there. Tell the guy to wait.

- I make no promises!

- Let's go! Let's go, baby!

- Mom, real quick, I need $1.25 for the ice cream man.

Don't ask any questions. Just give me the purse.

Go, go, go!

- What is this? A bank robbery in the old west?

"Give me the purse?"

- Mom, please, this is an emergency.

- Well, I'm sorry, but we can't afford it.

- We can't afford $1.25? Everybody can.

- Except for us. I gotta tell you something.

Come here and sit on Mommy's lap.

- Sit on Mommy's lap? - Yeah.

- I knew this wasn't gonna be easy.

It's never easy.

- Ice cream man. My favorite person!

I'll take a fudgsicle.

- Oh, oh! Me, too.

Fudgy fudgy fudgy! - No, me first, me first!

- Whoa, whoa. Right out of the gate,

I need you guys to take the energy down, like, 90%.

- Why?

- All day long with the kids and the excitement.

I'm ready to blow my brains out in here.

- What? Why are you so grouchy?

You've got the dream job. - Here's the thing, Rambo.

- Rambo? - What?

- Life is a lot like ice cream.

It starts out sweet, but then it gets sticky.

- Oh.

- And then you die.

- Wow. - This is the worst

ice cream man banter I've ever heard.

- What did you guys want?

- I'm not even in the mood for this anymore.

- Was it a fudgsicle? And what did you want?

- Okay.

- Is the lap necessary?

- I need to know if you're familiar

with the phrase "philandering rat."

- It doesn't come up too often, no.

- Um, hoo.

I've gotta tell you,

your dad is not on a business trip to London.

- Okay. What's he doing?

- He's going to dance clubs.

- Dance clubs. What?

- With someone named Tina in Myrtle Beach.

She's a masseuse.

- Oh, that's a lot to take in.

You know, that actually makes more sense.

I never knew why they'd fly a plumber

to London for a month.

- I was highly adrenalized when I made that lie up.

- They wouldn't do it.

- If I'm in London, and I want a plumber,

I don't want some American guy.

- It's a regional job, in general.

- It was a terrible lie.

There are not a lot of international plumbers,

and I panicked.

- So we're poor, is what you're saying?

- We're kind of poor now, buddy,

but I'm gonna make you this promise.

- Okay. - I promise you

if you work hard, and you earn that money for yourself,

you can buy all the ice cream you want.

- What's the-- what's the promise exactly?

You won't interfere with me earning my own money?

- That is my vow to you.

- If you're serious, I can sell you the dinosaur

and the machine that makes fart noises for $1.50.

Just mull it over. I'll be here if you need me.

- A garage sale? What is this, the 1950s?

- 1950s? No, what's going on?

- You tell me, man. You look pathetic out here.

- Pathetic?

- I can't have my man, Tom, out here--

- I've got the table, I've got the sign.

I need to earn money,

or this is going to be the worst summer ever.

I can't even afford ice cream. - Man, we gotta do a GoFundMe.

- GoFundMe? What's that?

- You take some pictures and write "

I'm too poor to enjoy my summer."

Then, boom! Money comes in.

- Just free money?

- Free money! Give me your phone.

- I don't-- I don't have a phone.

- Come on, Tom! - Don't act surprised.

- You still don't have a phone? - I never got one.

- How are you gonna make it in this world?

- I just run around and play. - I've got two phones.

One of mine is for checking in with my parents.

This is for doing weird stuff.

- We're using the weird one then.

- Yeah, let's take some pics. Stand by the garbage can.

- Garbage? No.

- Come on, man! - All right, how's that?

- Come on, slouch a little more.

- Slouch?

- When we write this description,

people gotta feel sad for you.

- All right, how's this? - Yes, baby, now we talking!

- You like what you're seeing?

- Yeah, I like what I'm seeing. Hey, get in the trash can.

- Get in the can? - In the can.

- How's that? - This is it, baby.

- You like this? - I love it.

Take that chicken and smear it on your face.

- This is going to make people buy ice cream for me?

- Nibble. I need a nibble.

- Nibble? No.

- I need you to appear hungry.

- Like I'm hungry? - Like you're hungry,

but you gotta save some for later.

- So I'm just--I'm starving, but I'm just nibbling to--

- Now look up.

Make prayer hands. There you go.

We finna make some money now. - Just make me look good.

If my mom sees this, she wants me to look presentable.

- Tom is sleeping in a dumpster?

- Eating old chicken from garbage cans?

- He's working in a coal mine?

I didn't even know they had those here.

- Oh, listen. Not on my watch.

- Where's my wallet at? - Not on my watch.

- A street urchin?

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

- Nelson?

- Yo, what's up, man?

- Nelson, I'm not happy.

- Again? What's going on?

- What did you write in the fundraiser?

- Oh, man, just the basics.

You know, lack of funds, et cetera, et cetera.

- Lack of funds?

Did you maybe say that

I'm an unbathed street urchin

who sleeps in a dumpster and eats leftover chicken?

- I might have slipped that in just for effect.

- You might have slipped it in?

- Before you get mad, look.

Take a look at this tally.

- What's this? - Six Gs!

- Six Gs? That's too many Gs.

We only asked for "some ice cream money."

- Yeah, this is "some ice cream money."

- No, Nelson. We have to give it back.

I mean, if you go past the goal, you have to--

- We can't give it back, man. We could go to jail for fraud.

- You have to give something back.

You gotta give at least four Gs back.

- Hey, Dad.

If you make extra money on a fundraiser,

let's say, for ice cream, do you get to keep it?

- Of course.

Just spend the money

on "ice cream-related items."

- Ice cream-related items?

- Yeah, you know, like cones and sprinkles.

Anything that's ice cream-related.

- That's what I thought.

- Honestly, from what I've observed in my years,

this sounds like embezzlement.

- Embezzlement? We kids, man.

That falls under the category of "summertime hijinks."

- Summertime hijinks.

All right, that sounds like fun.

- What do you think?

We're going all ice cream or we're gonna get some pudding?

Or what--what do we-- - Spoons.

- Multiple spoons.

- Hey. - Multiple cups.

- Hey, hello. - Napkins.

- Ice cream as far as the eye can see.

- Hello, hi.

- Hey, buddy.

Are you going to buy anything?

- Tom, he wants to know if we're gonna buy anything.

- That makes me chuckle.

- What are we not buying? That's the question.

- Okay, I don't know what's going on here,

but I've got a line of customers behind you, so--

- You call those customers?

What you got? Skittles?

That's it?

We real customers. Those are small potatoes.

- Let's start with $6,000 worth of Klondike bars.

- Wrap them up.

- We don't keep that many Klondike bars in stock.

If you buy that whole shelf, it's $40.

- Call someone. - Call Klondike?

- What, you scared?

Give me Klondike's number. I'll call them.

- I'm not scared to call Klondike.

- This guy's scared to call.

- This is such a weird challenge

from two children.

- What part of six Gs do you not understand?

- I'm a cashier.

It doesn't matter how much money you have.

- Wait, whoa, whoa. So you don't own the place?

- You don't own 7-Eleven? - No!

Do I look like an owner of anything?

- I don't think we've got a deal.

I think we're at an impasse.

- Man, they don't make cashiers like they used to.

- Okay, so remember, Tom, no matter how tough things get,

we always make time for church. - Do we?

We've literally never done this.

- Since your dad took off with the floozy,

this is our PR move. - Oh.

- Single mom with her son. It's a classic.

- But we sing the songs and say the prayers or we--

- When it's written in the book, you sing it.

If you don't know it,

♪ Ah, na, na, na, na, na ♪

- Oh, okay. It's just for show.

- Mm-hmm, yep. - We're mouthing it.

- Hi, Tom. I wanted to give you this.

I just found out that you're a street urchin.

- Oh, thank you, Yasmine. That's very, uh, very kind.

- What was that all about?

- Uh, I'm in a school play.

I'm playing the street urchin.

- Oh. Would have been nice to know.

- Good morning, congregation.

Good morning, friends.

Today we're going to talk about compassion.

We have some new members here, and we want them

to know that no one looks down on them

because they sleep in a filthy dumpster.

As we know from the Bible

in the book of Thomas,

God loves all types of families.

Single mothers with one child.

- Is he talking about us? - No, I can't imagine.

- He looks down on them and blesses them

while they nibble on an old chicken bone

that they found on the side of the street.

- Is he pointing at us?

- Us? No.

- God loves this family.

God hopes that they suck the marrow

from that old chicken bone.

- Tom, what did you tell people?

- He's just making stuff up. You know, I gotta get going.

I gotta use the bathroom. I'm gonna run home real quick.

- Right now?

- I'm not comfortable urinating

with the Lord watching.

- What? No, Tom, you're not leaving.

- All right, I'll use the church bathroom.

If I don't come back at all,

just don't even worry about it.

- What? Tom, Tom!

- Listen, we need to unload the money now.

- Tom. - Right now.

My mom's going to find out what we did.

She's onto it.

- Tom, listen to yourself.

Breathe. Who's in charge here?

- Who's in charge? Me.

I'm wearing a suit. I'm the boss.

- Don't pull the suit card on me.

- I'm just saying.

- There's no dress code

in corporate America these days.

- Listen, in the next half hour,

I want the money off the books, like we never had it.

- That's it!

The ultimate ice cream-related item.

- I'm not following. What do you want to buy?

You want to buy some fudgsicles?

- Brother, we buying the whole truck.

- Oh. - Look at her.

- That is the ultimate ice cream-related item, isn't it?

- Ah, great.

More kids looking for a sugar high.

- We have a proposal. You sitting down?

- Do I look like--I'm standing in the fucking truck.

I'm not sitting down. What's your proposal?

- In general, we've got some funds

that we need to get off the books.

- We got six grand. - Hmm.

- You clearly hate this job

and are very disgruntled.

- Ah. Very perceptive.

- The truck that is now yours,

would become ours.

I know you're thinking-- - Done.

- Done? Wow.

That was a little easier than I thought.

- Done! Anything to get out.

I'll sell it to little kids. I don't give a fuck.

- I mean, you still gotta drive it though.

We don't have any licenses yet.

- I love it. It's a deal.

- This is great. - Yeah, whoo-hoo!

- Okay, here's what we're going to do.

I'll go call Geico and write up the bill of sale.

- Nice. - You stay here with the truck.

Can I leave you in charge for a minute?

- I'll leave myself in charge.

I'm kind of the boss, but sure.

- Okay, if that makes you feel, uh, good.

- The best two days of an ice cream truck owner's life?

The day you buy it and the day you sell it.

- Uh, excuse me.

Hi, we've been waiting for 10 minutes, I'd say.

- Listen, toots. I'm on a smoke break.

- Did you just call me toots? I want to speak to the manager.

Who do I call? - He's right here.

- Shh, shh, shh! - The manager's in the truck?

- No. - The manager and owner.

- Shut up! - Tom, stop hiding.

- Tom?

- These ladies want to file a complaint.

- Tom! Tom, is that you?

- Oh, hey! Yeah, I'm in here.

- I thought you had no money.

Now your family owns an ice cream truck?

- Drive, drive, drive! Drive or you're fired.

- All right, here we go.

- Bye, Tom.

- Oh, my God. This is not good.

All right, let me think.

Think, Tom. Think, boss.

What would Nelson do?

What would Nelson do?

You know what? Here it is.

If there's no truck, I can deny it all.

Executive decision, we gotta sink it.

- You sure about that? - I see literally no options.

We need to submerge the truck in the river.

What do you think? You like that idea?

- Whatever you want, man. It's your show.

- So it's a good idea? - I love it.

- All right, I feel like it's a unanimous decision.

- Two to zero.

- Nelson's not here. All right, we got the votes.

♪ ♪

- Oh, beloved truck,

thank you for the good times

you've given to the children over many summers,

of yesteryear and days of yore.

You have caused much, much happiness--

- But also much sorrow and pain.

- You've also caused much sorrow and pain

for many people. - Great pain.

- You've really ruined many lives.

- Soul-searing pain.

- And on that note, we bid you farewell.

- Preach.

- Wow.

- You're officially a man now. - Thank you.

- You sank your first ice cream truck.

- Tom! What the hell are you doing?

- What am I doing? We sank the truck.

- I left you in charge for one hour.

- Listen, we had no choice. - No choice.

- No options whatsoever. My mom was going to find out.

I pulled the trigger. I said we gotta sink it.

- We could've just signed over the title.

You know, written up a bill of sale.

- Oh. - I didn't think of that.

- We could have just hid the truck

for a few months and filed an insurance claim.

- Those are all good ideas. - So many options.

- Ah, man, maybe I'm not leadership material after all.

This is, uh-- - You think?

- Not a good debut. - Okay, dudes.

You owe me $5,000 for the truck, $800 for inventory,

and $200 for miscellaneous expenses.

- All right, pay the man.

- Um, about that.

The GoFundMe is in my dad's account.

I just knew the password. - Come again?

- I have no way to get you the actual funds.

All right, this is the last time

I go into business with two 10-year-olds.

- I don't even know why you did it in the first place.

- It was surprising how quickly he agreed.

- When he said, "Done," I was like, "Oh.

Oh, we're really doing this."

- Yeah. That caught me off guard too.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ And patterns to contemplate, more people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow we can float anywhere ♪