All language subtitles for Michael McIntyre_ Happy and Glorious 2015 720p

When I think of Michael…
I think of…

Shakey of the hair.

[girls] Michael McIntyre.

Some people say
that my husband, Mark,

looks rather like
Michael McIntyre.

I think you'll find, pal,
that is legal tender.

In my house, we don't just have
one man-drawer, we have two.

Tape-measures, leads.

These are batteries
and Flymo's 2012 product guide.

Drachma!

[woman] Tractor's should not
be allowed on the road.

Go on boy, you go for it.

The gliders.

I'm not a glider.

I'm a glider.

[growls] Ruined the paper!

I'd like to
introduce you to my family.

This is Sara, this is Sara-ha,

This is Stuart,
this is Stew-wart.

This is Sean, Shawn and Sha-un.

Yes, that is wine.

[spits] It's cheesy!

The, uh… fake tan's out,
ready to become Mahogany Katie.

Pow!

But the plane
won't leave without us.

[mimicking Michael's son]
No juice.

No juice.

-[man] No! Juice.
-[baby cooing]

I'm in Ireland…

Where do I go?
Fir or min-nah?

-[grunts]
-[man laughs]

D'you want some?

Me… and you… outside!

I am utterly gazeeboed.

I'm completely bungalowed.

I'm absolutely paninied.

He sounded absolutely dim summed.

That slow car in this lane…

Retreat to the loser lane,
where you belong!

That's a scotch egg!

That's your egg, eh?

We don't need your English bald
eggs, we've got egg and bread,

in a handy
testicle-shaped snack!

My name is Five Spice.

Five Spice.

Five Spice.

Five Spice.

Five Spice. [laughs]

I am not just One Spice,
I am Five Spice.

I am five times
as good, as all of you.

"Excuse me?"
"What is it? Who are you?"

"Is this--? Well,
I've been in the cupboard longer

than these four put together!"
"Well, what's your name then?"

"John West Tuna,
nice to meet ya!"

-Pants down!
-[kids screaming]

[both] Ladies…

-And…
-Gentleman…

-[both] Please…
-Welcome…

[all] Michael McIntyre.

-[audience cheers]
-[Michael] Come on!

Woo-hoo!

Yay!

Let's do this!

Yay!

Oh, yeah!

It's on.

Ah, this is very exciting for me.

Um… Welcome ladies
and gentleman,

welcome to my show.
It's a special night.

-It's my last night here.
-[audience cheers]

Can I just say thank you,
to every single person,

up there at the very
top tier of the O2 Arena.

Thank you.
Hello and thank you for coming.

'Cause these seats are truly… difficult.

You've been sitting here looking up,

going, "I can't believe those
people are actually sitting up there."

Those stairwells.
I was watching people arrive,

they're more like ladders.

You see people
sort of climbing up them.

[audience laughs]

With their tickets in their mouths.

"Darling, don't look down.

Don't--
Follow me, don't look down."

Can you read the
seat number? Triple Z…

nine thousand and two."

-[audience laughs]
-[Michael sighs]

"What's that dripping?"

"It's my nose bleed, just don't complain."

"Right, here we are.
Excuse me, sorry.

Coming through, coming through.

-Coming through."
-[audience laughs]

"I think we should've bought the DVD,
rather than have watched it."

[audience laughs]

Thank you so much,
I can't thank you enough.

If it's any consolation,

I don't know if you saw
the people walking on the top

of the O2, as you came in?

These are shitter seats than you've got!

[audience laughs]

They're walking
on the top of the O2 going,

"I think he might be talking about us.
I think I just heard something."

"Give me that glass.
Yes, I think he is!

I'm getting some atmosphere now."

So, look…
Do you think I've lost weight?

Is that something…

-Come on!
-[audience cheers]

-[yells] I'm so hungry! [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

The truth is,
I lost quite a lot of weight,

and I'm putting it back on.

I wanted to look good on my DVD.

I can't see what I look like.
I keep trying to, but that's…

the most frustrating thing for me.

I can sort of see from this side.

Oh, yes! I do. I look okay.
I've lost a bit of weight.

I've got to that stage
where it's going back on,

and I'm in denial.
Lying to myself about it.

I still weigh myself every day,

but I do it first thing in the morning.

I take all my clothes off,
take my watch off, breath out.

And then I stand on it,
but I don't stay on the scales

for it to tell me the full reading.

I don't know why I do this to
myself, I'm lying to myself.

Then I just go, "That seems fine,
what's for breakfast?"

[audience laughs]

I've got these old-fashioned scales,

I've actually twiddled
the thing below the zero.

I'm exactly the same. I'm lying.

[audience laughs]

It all started last… well, last year…

Sometimes when people lose weight,

they have a moment in their life,
and they think that's it.

"I'm going on a diet,

I'm determined to lose weight."

And I had a thing happen to me.
I was on my son's iPad,

I say it's my son's iPad,
he's only ten,

it's obviously my iPad.

[laughs] But he has it a lot.

If you're a parent and raising
your children without the use of iPads,

I applaud you, I don't know how you do it.

iPads are magical, they are magical.

They shut your children up,
any time of day or night.

My eldest, he wakes up
at about 5:30 every morning.

He just runs in, "Morning!"

I'm like, "Not for me!"
And I just Frisbee an iPad,

"Fuck off!"

"88 percent battery,
that's you for two hours."

"Go on, lower the brightness,
might get more time."

They're so lucky, our children.
They've got iPads, and iPods,

and iPhones…
In our day we had I… Spy!

-How shit… was our life,
-[audience laughs]

compared to the lives our
children get to enjoy today?

"I spy, with my little eye,
something beginning with…

C."

"Is it cloud?" "No."
"Is it car?" "Yes. Your turn."

-[audience laughs]
-What?

I actually played thumb war
with my ten-year-old, the other day,

to show him some of the
games that we had to endure.

I said, "Want to play thumb war?"

He's like, "Shall I download it?"
"No, you can't download thumb war."

This is a battle between our thumbs,

you know, you interlock hands,
you declare it: "One, two, three, four."

You don't go straight into battle.
"I declare Thumb War."

Then you sort of jockey into position,

then you hold their thumb down
until you win.

I did it with my ten-year-old.

His little thumb
against my huge daddy thumb.

I thought I'd go easy on him.

But I didn't realize that he's
been texting since he was born!

[audience laughs]

He was some kind
of thumb war ninja!

I couldn't see his thumb moving.
[sputters]

Was like a mini Matrix!

He was beating me over and over
again. "Ah! Stop doing that!

Get back on the iPad!"

[audience laughs]

But sometimes you need to use iPads,
it's a pacifier.

Parents know what it's like.

Sometimes you need
to calm your children down.

You need a break from your children.

The best way, of course,
to pacify your children,

as we all know… is drugs!

Actual drugs are the most effective.

Calpol is the drug of choice,
for children.

You give them Calpol
when they have colds and runny noses.

But there are side effects.

You notice it sort of calms them down,
makes them all lucid,

-they sleep through the night.
-[audience laughs]

They become better people,
you prefer them.

So you find yourself almost hoping
that they get slight little colds.

Someone just needs to sneeze
near my children. [sneezes]

"I think we should give both
children Calpol, just in case."

[audience laughs]

I remember the first time
I gave my eldest Calpol.

He was a little baby,
we were worried about him.

My wife and I kept rereading
the instructions, "1.5 mils."

You know, apologizing
to his little runny nose.

"Mommy and Daddy,
we love you so much,

we're so sorry to put this
foreign substance into your body,

but we wouldn't do it
if we didn't love you."

Then in a few months we're just
hosing him in the face.

[whooshes]

-[yells] "Go to sleep!"
-[audience laughs]

It's even more fun now,

because you don't have to put it
on spoons.

It's so satisfying.

They come with little plastic syringes,
where you just suck it up

and squirt it in their little face,

like you're filling them up with petrol.
[imitates spurts]

Sometimes they don't know I've done it.

They're just watching telly
with their mouths hanging open.

Just come in with
a couple of loaded syringes.

[imitates spurts]
"Right, that's the kids done.

Come on, darling, let's go upstairs
for some us time."

-[audience laughs]
-Frisbee a couple of iPads

in case they cotton on to the situation.

My wife's actually got a belt

with ready-made Calpol syringes holstered.

[makes shooting sound]

She does other people's children
after school. [makes shooting sound]

"You'll thank me for that, guys.

Call me in four to six hours if you need."

[audience laughs]

And it's a wonderful moment
in every parent's life

when you find out
that you can give your children Calpol…

And Nurofen!

[audience laughs]

At the same fucking time!

You can double-barrel this!

[makes shooting sound]

"See you next Thursday.

Your mother and I are off
to France on a mini-break."

[audience laughs
and applauds]

It's not quite that bad.

-[Michael laughs] It sort--
-[audience cheers]

They've sort of become addicted,
if I'm honest with you.

Not to Calpol,
but certainly to the…

To the iPads. We all are, aren't we?

We're all addicted to iPads,
and technology and phones.

I say good morning to my phone

before I say good morning to my wife!

I literally roll over
and check my messages.

I have it everywhere.
Have it in the bath with me.

I haven't had a bath without
taking my phone, for years.

I just need to be constantly
entertained on Google

and internet and looking
at old photos and stuff.

But sometimes it
rings in the bath

and you don't know what to do.

You don't know whether to pick it up--

There's something about the bathroom,
there's a kind of echo.

Even though you don't tell
people you are in the bath,

because it's embarrassing for them,
they always seem to know.

They go "Are you in the bath?" and I deny,
"No, I'm not in the bath."

But I am in the bath.

The other day I was chatting away
on speaker,

and my friend said to me,
"Are you in the bath?"

How do people know
when I'm on the phone in the bath?

And he said,
"Cause you FaceTimed me."

-"Shit! I'll call you back!"
-[audience laughs]

I was literally sort of dangling
it around my belly button,

-It was awful.
-[audience laughs]

FaceTime is when you
phone someone's face.

You phone their face, with your face.

You basically, um…

You don't phone them like that,
you need to see their face.

It's exciting when it's connecting.

You phone them and it starts connecting,

"Oh!" And then you start
to prepare yourself.

"FaceTime is nearly upon us!"

When it connects, you can't believe it,

it's like connecting with another planet.
[shouts] "Hello! Where are you?"

That's the key question.

Once you've established
where you are,

you realize there's a box in the corner

which shows you what they can see,
which is your own face.

Well, this is far too distracting,
you don't look at their face at all now.

Now it's a FaceTime
with your own face.

You spend the whole time
trying to make yourself

look as attractive as possible

during the conversation.

You flick your eyes over,
they're doing the same,

looking at their own face!

There's no point to FaceTime at all.

May as well phone them
on a landline

and hold up a mirror the whole time,
and look at your face!

[audience laughs]

I FaceTimed someone the other day,

they went "Let me just get
my glasses so I can see you."

Cause they have reading glasses,
they're long sighted.

Some people, there'll be lots in here,
who are long sighted,

so they see fine in the distance,

but can't see
in front of their own face!

I'm short sighted.
I have contact lenses in.

I'd prefer to be my one than your one,
it makes more sense

to struggle to see in the distance.

I don't know how long sighted people live.

People come right up close,

"I don't know you. Get out of my face."

"I don't recognize you at all."

"Go on, piss off. I do not know you.
Go on, keep walking!"

"Sorry. I do know you, come back!"

"It's just that
I'm long sighted." [laughs]

How do they even choose glasses?

Do they just stand at the opticians…

"I don't even know if that's my face,
let alone if I'm wearing glasses,"

"Take the mirror outside across the road
and I can see if these suit me."

[audience laughs]

So I went to my son's iPad,

my iPad, um, on this app.
It's called The Akinator.

This was the encouragement
for me to start losing weight.

It's basically like 20 questions.

You think of a famous person,
it asks you questions,

and you answer yes or no,
and it narrows it down,

and it suggests the famous person
you're thinking of.

While my son was at school,
purely for egotistical reasons,

I thought I would see if I was featured

as a famous person in the game.

So it goes…

Think of a famous person.
I'm like, "Okay, got him."

I've been thinking
about him a lot recently.

And it starts asking questions.

Is he a man? I go "Yes, obviously."

Is he… Is he American? "No."
Is he a singer? "No."

And it narrowed it down
to a British comedian with dark hair.

And I was getting a bit excited.

I wonder if I'm featured,
it's nearly time.

And then it goes, on the actual app,

it said, "Is he slightly overweight?

-Yes or no?"
-[audience laughs]

So in this horrible
moment of brutal honesty,

took a deep breath, clicked "yes",

And it went, "Is it Michael McIntyre?"
And showed me…

-[laughs]
-[audience laughs]

-…a picture of my fat face!
-[audience laughs]

It felt so official.

So I haven't really eaten since then,

that was the encouragement for me.
[chuckles]

And I've been exercising as well.

I've been exercising less, recently,

but my wife was much more
keen for me to get fit,

than not fat.
She doesn't mind what I look like,

as long as I stop hurting myself
because I kept hurting myself.

Normally if people are injured,
they have a story.

"I hurt my arm."
"What happened?"

They tell you something landed on it
or fell on it.

I'd hurt myself with no idea
what happened,

just by being alive!

I was just hurting myself.

I mean, an example of this, is last year,

I actually pulled a muscle in my back

reaching for food on a lower shelf
of the fridge.

This is a sign, isn't it?

I felt it go crack,

and rather than calling for help,

I ate all the food that I could reach!

[audience laughs]

There was a Yop that was
slightly out of my reach,

that's when I called for… [yells] "Help!

I need that Yop
and may have broken my back."

These are bad signs.

I did this terrible thing
to my arm as well.

No idea how it happened.
Right in here, totally agony.

I couldn't even open my arm!

It was "Ah!" excruciating!

I had to open it in the morning.

Just spend the day
with it open like this.

And I don't know how I did it.

I went to the doctor. He said,
"I know exactly what this is.

You've got golfer's elbow.
How often do you play?"

"I don't. I don't play golf."

"You must.
You've got golfer's elbow."

"I've never played golf."

"This is peculiar.

Never seen it in anybody
who doesn't play golf."

It's a very specific injury to golfers,

you must've recreated golf somehow
in your domestic life.

I must've been shouting at the children.

"Who's shoe is this? This shoe
should be by the door!"

[audience laughs]

"We're late! Get your
bag and get in the car!"

[audience laughs]

I cricked my neck last year,
watching a football match.

I wasn't even playing in the match!

I wanted them to head it.

Like, "Go on, get in!"
and cricked my neck.

Got it stuck in this position.

I only watched
one half of the match!

That's embarrassing
to go to the doctor…

"Who do you play for?"
"I don't, I was watching,

and I've hurt myself terribly."

[audience laughs]

I was like that for days.

'Cause we've all cricked our necks.
We've all done that.

But it normally comes from sleeping funny.

Sleeping funny.
Cause we do, we sleep funny.

You wake up in pain,
and you discuss it with your partner.

"I must've slept funny.

Did you see me, was it hilarious?"

"Cause I'm in a lot of pain
from my funny sleep.

I must've slept really funny."

"I've hurt my neck." "Did you sleep funny?
You must have slept hilariously funny."

Cause every position
we can get our bodies into,

we would've slept in,
at one time or another.

And I don't know why.

'Cause we always start the night,
as we hope to go on.

You don't start like that.

You don't go, "Goodnight"
and then suddenly-- [groans]

You start in the perfect position!

You get your head on the pillow,
duvet comes in.

"Night, darling. Love you."

I'm in my perfect position.

She's in her perfect position,
"Yes, love you too."

Sometimes there's some cuddling.

I cuddle her, in her perfect position.

"I love you."
But I'm not in my perfect position.

My arm is trapped,
I can't sleep like that.

I'm just reassuring her of love.

Because soon I have to roll away.

I love you but now it's time for me
to roll away to my perfect position.

To be honest, she normally initiates
that roll away.

"That's enough, it's time
for you to roll away. Go on. I'm tired."

"You're interrupting
my perfect position."

Then you roll away.

That can be quite an ambiguous move.
Sometimes I--

"Are you inviting a situation
I didn't know was scheduled?"

"No, darling, quite the opposite.
Roll away now."

-[audience laughs]
-Then you roll away.

In fact, as you get quite old,

you actually roll away

and then you go down the corridor
to your new room. That…

[audience laughs]

…is a depressing moment
in the relationship.

I love you, but not enough
to sleep in the same room.

I'm going to take the one
where the children have vacated.

[audience laughs]

My wife goes to sleep before me,
because she's tired.

I think that's why people go to sleep.

She's exhausted,
she works very hard. I don't.

I do this, it's a riot. [laughs]

I'm up all night, just watching telly.

Sitting there, you know,

lying there watching the telly,

and I see her sleeping.

I'm an observer of a sleeping person,

and I see how the perfect position
almost immediately starts to mess up.

The leg comes out.

She starts edging over to my side.
[groans]

Breathing, the mouth sort of falls…
[groans]

-[audience laughs]
-[groans] Pushing me off.

Even though I've seen her
brushing her teeth

10, 15 minutes before,

the breath is already
slightly on the turn.

-[groans]
-[audience laughs]

I wedge pillows in front of her.

[groans continue]

[audience laughs]

Sometimes she does that
weird jolting thing. [laughs]

She just nods off,
then she'll wake herself up. "Ah!"

[audience laughs]

"Are you all right, darling?"
"Oh, my God!"

"Oh, Michael!

I thought I was falling,
I thought I was falling!"

[audience laughs]

"You're not. If anything,
you're too much on my side.

You're pushing me over,
pushing me closer to falling."

"You keep moving over here,
I'm going to be falling, darling.

Get back over there.
Go back to sleep. I love you."

Then she'll go back to sleep
in the perfect position.

And then the leg comes back out…
[groans]

Her breath, her mumbling.

[mimics mumbling]
She mumbles to herself as well.

[mumbling] "How am I supposed to--"
[mumbling]

-[audience laughs]
-Cause it's not beautiful.

She's beautiful,
but it's meant to be romantic.

In movies, people
look at each other sleeping,

it's quite a romantic moment

when they're falling in love,

"I watch you when you're sleeping."

She's lying there. "Look at my
beautiful face in the moonlight."

He's like, "I'm in love.
You're so beautiful

as you sleep perfectly
with your beautiful face."

Maybe she turns a bit, "I'm even more
beautiful over here, look.

Maybe I just do this a little bit,

but I'm still incredibly gorgeous."

[audience laughs]

The reality is not romantic.

It's more of a horror movie.

Sometimes I look over

and my wife's eyes
just pop open in my face!

-Terrifying!
-[audience laughs]

I'll look over and she's
giving me one of these. [groans]

And then suddenly…
[groans, barks]

[audience laughs]

[mimics mumbling]

"Are you awake?"

[mimics mumbling]

She mumbles in a language
that I don't even understand.

Sometimes she argues with herself,
in tongues!

[mumbles]
"I don't even know that.

What is it, Michael?
I don't-- I don't--" [barks]

-[groans]
-[audience laughs]

[mimics mumbling]

[mumbling continues]

[audience laughs]

The only time she smiles sweetly,

and I regret saying this,

is when the night farts start to kick in.

-Now, look…
-[audience laughs]

I think it's important we establish

that my wife is a beautiful woman,

and she's… very prim and proper,

and she hasn't actually farted
in the daytime

in the 15 years
we've been together.

And it's a record
we're both very proud of.

But unfortunately, her night record
is not nearly as strong!

[audience laughs]

It's biology. They have to come out
at some stage.

And she sort of reacts to them as well.
[groans, mimics fart]. "Oh!"

[audience laughs]

[mimics mumbling, farting]

-[audience laughs]
-Aw. [giggles]

[mimics mumbling, farting]

-[groans]
-[audience laughs]

The other night,
I don't know what she'd eaten…

but it was like a fireworks display,

-it sort of built to a finale.
-[audience laughs]

She was literally like…
[groans]

[mimics mumbling, farting]

-[audience laughs]
-[exhales]

-[rapid firing]
-[audience laughs]

then one big one at the end.
Boof!

-She woke herself up "Ah!"
-[audience laughs]

"Oh, my God, Michael!"

"There was a bang.
What was that?"

-[audience laughs]
-"I just heard a really big bang.

Why's the TV on so loud?
Why's this pillow in my face?

-What's been going on?"
-[audience laughs]

"Why is the window open?
Talk to me!"

[audience laughs]

"What time is it?
What's the lamp doing on the floor?

-There was a bang!"
-[audience laughs]

I love telling this,
cause I look into the audience

and I see men
pissing themselves laughing…

[audience laughs]

…and just the occasional woman

sitting there going, "I'm not sure
what you're laughing at."

[audience laughs]

[laughs] So this happens last year…
These big sleeps,

my wife's been sleeping funny all night.

She wakes up, and she cricks her neck,

she's cricked her neck.
"Ah, Michael! I must've slept funny!

Are you there?
I've slept funny!

I've got a cricked neck, are you there?
Wake up!"

And I'm asleep doing all my own…
[groans, mimics farting]

And the shock of her hitting me

and my general lack of fitness
at the time, and I woke up,

and I cricked my own neck!

I'm now stuck in this position,

I'm like, "Ah, shit! Ow!

I've cricked my neck!
I must've slept funny!

Are you there, darling? Come round!"

She says, "Don't take the piss!
Come round!"

"I'm not taking the piss!
Come round!"

"But I've cricked my neck!"

So we had this
really weird sort of half-awake argument,

which actually turned quite nasty
at one point!

"Say that to my face!"

"I wish I could, I've got
no way of doing that now!"

[audience laughs]

Of course, I was the one
to cave in, I got out of bed,

-Slowly.
-[audience laughs]

-Made my way around…
-[audience laughs]

Took me a while to locate her.

"Hello, darling. Are you okay?"

"Michael, if you're taking the piss
out of me,

I will divorce you. Understand?"

So I had this really weird day.

Where I was stuck in this position,

she was stuck in that position.

We should never have
driven the children to school.

I think this just shows

how desperate you are to get
your kids to school. [laughs]

We should've walked or got
a taxi, but I went…

The kids were in the back,

I went sort of side saddle
in the passenger seat.

My wife was worse,
looking at the house.

"Everything's fine at home.
Shall we head off slowly?"

[laughs] And I directed her.
It was going fine,

until we got to the roundabout

where we literally just risked it.

We just sailed in… [screams]

Till I saw the turning.
"Left! Now! Fucking left, now!"

[audience laughs]

Crossing the road was fun,

because I had to go this
until I reached halfway.

And then turned.

[audience laughs]

With her doing the exact opposite.

Like it was choreographed.

Other parents saying,
"They've got a lot of time on their hands.

Synchronized dropping off
the kids to school, how creepy!"

We picked up the kids,
I'm like this, my wife's like that.

People are walking past going
"Wow. They've had a row. Fucking hell."

[audience laughs]

But my best news, physically,

which I'd like to share with you,

is that I can…

walk properly now, okay?

I walk heel to toe, which is the…

recommended way to walk.

I'm hamming it up slightly.

You seem very impressed.

That's how you're supposed to walk.
Heel to toe.

It doesn't come naturally to me.

I actually walk on my toes… naturally.

But I now have something called
corrective shoes. Very sexy.

[chuckles] And they force me
to be a normal person, like you,

I'll show you, they're called orthotics.

And they're in my shoes
and they're basically…

They're shaped to push my feet
to behave normal.

Heel to toe, because without them…
Well, I revert.

I'll show you,
I've got these little flat feet.

And I walk as if I'm falling.
That's my natural walk.

Completely on my toes.

Like I've been pushed
at the start of the day.

"See you later."
"Oh, am I off? Okay, thanks."

"I'll be home at about 5:30,

if I can find a route back to you."
"Okay."

You'd have seen on my other DVD's,
I can't stop myself.

I'm literally just parading.

[laughs]
And I run on my toes as well.

I run up.
This is my natural run,

this is how I feel
most comfortable running.

Please, don't laugh because
people have laughed

my whole life.

I run up.

'Cause you're supposed to run

on your heels and toes but…

I mean, my feet won't do it.

-[audience laughs]
-I've tried my whole life

to be like you. But it just doesn't…

I can't get it going.

-[audience laughs]
-Just feels so unnatural…

-[audience laughs]
-…to run like that.

How do you get any speed, anyway?

[audience laughs]

I don't get it!
Why you just don't fucking run!

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

[sighs]

I know what you're thinking.

"Why don't you just run and walk
on your toes?

Be the man you were born to be.

You don't have to conform to the masses."

The thing is, I do!

Because when you're
on your toes all the time,

I have terrible pain
in my calf muscles.

And also, they've ballooned,

to quite an unhealthy
sort of monster…

level.

I'm going to show you what I've done.

Seriously, this will frighten some of you.

You'll be pleased in your seats,
when I show you the monster

that I have become.

I literally have the biggest calves
you have ever seen.

[audience cheers]

I mean, to put it in perspective…

They're the size of a shoe!

-[Michael] Look at this!
-[audience laughs]

Yes, don't zoom in.
That's just taking the piss!

[audience laughs]

But you can see what I've done, look.

That's what's happened.

[audience laughing & whistling]

When you're on your toes,
they're-- [laughs]

It's like someone's trying to get out!

-[audience laughs]
-[Michael] "Help…

-me!"
-[audience laughs]

'Cause I've actually got
quite little… thighs.

I'm not going to take my trousers off.

I'm just telling you.

I don't really use my thighs!

[chuckles] I was on holiday,

in the summer,
in my shorts by the pool.

And there was this kid with his mum
and he said, "Mommy?

Why is that man's legs on upside down?"
"That's rude!"

I chased him round the pool!

"Say that to my face, you little shit!"

People laughed at my run.

"I know how to run, you wankers!"

[audience laughs]

So I got sent off to the orthotics clinic,

where they analyze my walking

and prescribe these things for my shoes.

It's one of the funniest places
I've ever been.

Because everybody in there was
like me, they were my peeps!

They all needed walking correcting.
[chuckles]

Nobody could walk in there.
So I came in with my flat foot,

my wife gave me a push from the car,
"Okay, I'm going in now."

"Hello, I'm here for my 11:30."

"Do take a seat, he'll be in shortly."
"Thank you."

I went and took a seat.
The next guy came in,

I'm not exaggerating,
it was like he was ice-skating.

I don't even know how
he was walking forward.

His legs were thrusting left and right,
but not forward.

Was like he kept changing his mind.

"Is it that way or that way?
I've no idea which way I'm going."

He should've put his hands behind his back
and just gone the whole hog.

"I'm here for my 11:45,
I set off on foot

-at 6:00 a.m."
-[audience laughs]

"Oh, is it all the way over there?
Very annoying."

[audience laughs]

"Oh, shit! I've kicked you.
I do that, I'm sorry.

One of the reasons I'm here."

This guy came out before us,

who had been seen and he had
this amazing sort of rolling hip,

sort of all pelvis.

Like he was listening to music
you couldn't hear.

-It was actually pretty cool.
-[audience laughs]

But this guy had come out,
he was in his orthotics.

He'd been fixed!

God only knows the state of the man
as he came to pick them up.

[audience laughs]

"Hello, I'm here to pick up
my orthotics."

"Thank you, it's better."

I wouldn't say it was perfect, but it's…
It's good."

It's a step in the right direction.

Which is more than you can do.
I saw you come in. Sorry about that."

I would've loved to have
seen us all walking together.

If somebody come in and said,
"Traffic warden outside."

"Oh, shit!
Mine's the Vauxhall Astra.

I'm never going to make it."

"I'm coming. I'll sort you out,
don't worry about that!"

[audience laughs]

"Did somebody say 'traffic warden'?
Here I come!"

-"I'm faster without these. Come on!"
-[audience laughs]

So now I'm back,
you know, I'm 100 percent.

I'm heel to toe, I'm thrilled.

My calves are getting a bit smaller.

[audience laughs]

I put my shoes on like that
so as not to waste time.

[chuckles] And I…

-[audience laughs]
-This happened the other night.

I've got this slightly tight suit.

-[Michael] Come on!
-[audience laughs]

-[Michael laughs]
-[audience laughs]

[Michael] All right, all right.

-We're nearly there.
-[audience laughs]

[Michael laughs] Fuck!

[audience laughs]

[Michael] I've made it worse!

[audience laughs]

You're sitting there watching
me do this on the screen!

Why don't you help me, please?

I can't do the show!

Can you just pull it down, would you mind?

Don't pull me off the stage.

I thought your husband would help!

Look at him, he's a…

I'm sorry, do you mind?

I'm sorry, I do have a show to do.

[audience laughs]

There's only 15,000 people waiting.

-[audience laughs]
-Why didn't you do it?

-Needs a strong…
-[man] She's a doctor.

She's a doctor, apparently.

Are you really?

[laughs] She's a doctor.
Thank you so much.

Doctor. Thank you, doctor!

See, you should've done that!

He's going, "She's a doctor."

You can't use that as every excuse.
[laughs]

"Darling, get the bags from the car."
"You're the doctor, I'll be inside."

-[audience laughs]
-[Michael laughs]

I can walk properly now. It's not to say
walking isn't without incident.

I remembered this thing
that happened to me.

A very odd walking occurrence.
Probably the weirdest in my life.

I don't think it's happened
to anybody else,

apart from me and this other person.

You know when sometimes you walk
on the street next to a stranger?

You find yourself
walking the same direction.

Alongside them, you know.

Same speed.
And you realize you don't know,

they realize they don't know.

So you slow down, speed up, you separate.

You don't spend the day with them.

-Right?
-[audience laughs]

So I'm walking along the street,
about ten years ago,

there's a Japanese businessman
and he's walking, I'm oblivious to him.

He's very much oblivious to me
because I'm behind him.

And I'm sort of catching up to him,

and you know as you walk,
your arms swing?

You have a natural sort of arm swing,
like that.

So just as I'm catching up to him,

my right hand was on the upswing…

Like this, slow motion to help you out,

and the left hand of this
Japanese businessman,

was on the downswing.

[laughing]

and our hands,
not only met in the street,

but interlocked with perfect precision.

That's not even easy to do with yourself.
It's quite difficult.

You'd think when that happens,
you'd pull away and go,

"That's really creepy, sorry."

But our brains couldn't compute
just how odd this moment was.

And we held on, we clutched,

for two or three
of the most awkward strides,

of my entire life.

I'm walking along the street
and then suddenly I'm holding hands

with a Japanese businessman.

I'll never forget his face! He's like,

[imitates Japanese accent]
"Who the fuck are you?

Why did you hold my hand?"

-[audience laughs]
-"I-- I don't know you!"

[audience laughs]

He must've seen me on TV over the years.

-"This is the guy!"
-[audience laughs]

-"He hold my hand on the road!"
-[audience laughs]

I wonder what happened to him.

But I've got to tell you, these shoes…

they've slowed me down a little bit.

My old walk was faster.

Heel to toe, it's quite leisurely.

Because sometimes you need to walk fast,
bring out your fast walk.

Because you're not allowed to
run, in some situations,

but you need to be going fast.

When I came back
from holiday recently…

You're racing. When the plane lands,

you're racing everybody
on the plane to get to the bags.

It's a race,
but it's not acknowledged.

Nobody acknowledges
that it's a race,

but there are passengers

who become competitors
once the seatbelt sign is off.

The captain might as well go,

"Welcome to London Heathrow.
On your marks, get set, go!"

But it's not a race.

Sometimes you let people into the aisle.

"Please, after you."

But you're eyeballing them.
"I'll get you in the tunnel, dickhead!"

This lead that I just gave you,

I'll be reclaiming that,

in the funnel before
we even reach the tunnel.

Just as soon as you get out,

you've got your bags, you start
jockeying for position, overtaking.

Sometimes they respond
but don't look over,

they never acknowledge
that there's a race.

They speed up.
"No, you bloody don't!"

But they never acknowledge
that it's a race.

"I know exactly what's going on here."

People's children:
"I need to pee!"

"There's no way we can pee."

"We're in fourth place."

"Piss your pants, we could win this!
Come on!"

I like it when you
get to the moving floor,

the travelator floor.
When you step on it,

you're moving at twice the speed.

Because right next to the moving floor,
is a non-moving floor option.

Which I think we can call "floor,"

-now that I think, it is floor.
-[audience laughs]

But most normal people,
take the moving floor option

because the floor is moving!

But some people,
you know who you are,

you decide for some reason
you can beat all of the people,

on the moving floor!

And you realize
your mistake quite early,

and have to justify it by
bringing out the fastest walk

you've ever even attempted.

"I am justified to take
the non-moving floor!

I will beat all of you!" But you can't.

People on the moving floor are like,

"You're never going to beat me,
I'm on a moving floor, dickhead!"

It doesn't matter how
well you do in the race,

there's only one actual winner
of the race, as we all know,

and that's the elderly,
on the back of the buggy.

And don't they love
their little moment…

as they come beeping past?

-Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
-[audience laughs]

Then you've got
to go through customs.

And let's be honest…
That slows you down.

Doesn't matter if you've done
very well out of your plane,

'cause lots of other planes are arriving.

Then when you do the passport,

that's when there can be big queues,

regardless of how well you've
done in your race.

That's where they have ropes,
the big zig-zag rope system…

to accommodation all the people, right?

And sometimes you get there,
and there are no people,

you can't believe it! It's amazing!

It's just like,
"Ah! This is the holy grail!

It's just empty ropes!"

And people waiting for their passports!

"We'll be out in no time!"

I don't know how other nationalities
deal with the situation.

I presume that Americans
just hurdle the ropes.

-"Yee-haa!" "Yee-haa!"
-[audience laughs]

"Pass me the kids, honey. Whoo!

-Whoo! Yee-haa!"
-[audience laughs]

Germans probably unhook the rope,
family comes through,

then rehooks the rope
on the other side.

Unhooks the next rope,
"Family, come on through.

Now I shall rehook
the rope on the other side!"

Unhooks the following rope,
family comes through.

Brazilians probably do
limbo under the ropes.

British people,
it doesn't even cross our minds.

We just look at the ropes…

and off we go.

[audience laughs, applauds]

[laughter resumes]

Pause for an American, "Yee-haa!"

[audience laughs]

You shake the passport guy's hand,

you've still got a 45 minute walk
ahead of you.

They don't check your passports,

they know you're British by the way
you handle the rope system.

"Put that passport away, sir,
come on through. Welcome home."

[audience laughs]

"Baggage reclaim four.
Hope you had a great hol."

I think it's amazing

how British people are so
obedient of the rope system.

I feel we should have them
up and about, in life,

to force people into exercise.

There's problems with obesity
and lack of exercise.

Let's have rope systems that
people just find themselves in.

As it stands. you can just
go to the supermarket.

You go to the cake aisle,
and just put cake in your trolley

and chocolate biscuits
and profiteroles and doughnuts.

And cheese.

What I'm suggesting is just as
you're reaching for the doughnuts,

there's a little rope system
that you'll find…

"What?"

"I wanted the doughnuts.
No, no, no, no.

Where am I going?"

[audience laughs]

"You're going to the park, fatty."

[audience laughs]

"Those doughnuts are
eight miles from you.

You'll get them when
you deserve them."

[audience laughs]

I don't even go
to the supermarket anymore.

I think it's why I put on so much weight.

I just order food on my laptop online,

they just deliver it,
just keep clicking food.

"I want that, that looks yummy.

Put it in my basket,
bring it to me and I'll eat it!"

"I don't know how to change the amount.
I'll eat them all."

Then you pick its time slot
and they just come round.

They're just standing
on the doorstep with all the bags.

"Would you like me to bring it in?"

"Ideally, I want you to feed me!

Shovel it in my mouth!"

"And take the bags for recycling."

But if you don't go to the supermarket,

you don't eat on the way round.
That's very depressing.

You know, I'm just so greedy,
we've all done this.

You haven't even bought it yet,
but you're consuming it!

Then you've got that moment of confession
at the till.

You just have to present wrappers.

"I'm so sorry, I had this Whispa."

"I've got the wrapper.

Can you get the information required

and I'll pay you back
'cause it's in my tummy."

"And I appeared to
have had this lasagna, it was frozen."

"Will I get sick? It just
looked so yummy on the photo!"

[audience laughs]

"Would you like a bag, sir?"

"I just need a bin, I've eaten it all."

-[audience laughs]
-"It's in my tummy."

[chuckles] You don't do that
in any other shop.

Show up in a clothes shop
wearing everything. "Scan me."

"I'm double parked,
I've got to get out of here."

-[audience laughs]
-Beep, beep, beep, beep.

My wife shops at Waitrose.

People who shop at Waitrose
just love shopping at Waitrose.

-[audience cheers]
-People are whooping Waitrose.

What a moment to reveal
just how middle class you are.

The middle classes dig Waitrose.

They love telling people about it,

saying they can afford it.
"I shop at Waitrose!"

They just drop it into conversation,
"I've got to stop off at Waitrose!

So I'll see you later."

"I'm going to Waitrose."

"Just so you all know
I can afford [yells] Waitrose!"

They sell the same stuff
as other supermarkets,

they just charge you more money
and people enjoy going there.

There are no deals,
that frustrates me.

Every other supermarket has deals
like, "buy one get one free"

exists in every other supermarket,
but not in Waitrose.

In Waitrose it's "buy one,
and you're welcome to buy another,

but it will cost you
the same as the first."

"Which is about ten times more
than any other supermarket.

Do come in."
"Don't mind if I do. Waitrose!

I can afford it!"

I've never seen anybody
in the Waitrose car park

return the trolley for the pound.

It's simply not worth it to them.

[audience laughs]

They unload the bags
into the back of the Range Rover.

They think about it, try to get tit.

"Oh, no! The pound,
it's stuck, it's stuck.

I've got to go all the way over there
to the trolley-train for a pound.

That's not exactly worth it,
after I've spent all this on my shopping."

Then they do this sort of push
away, they just go…

-"Fuck off!"
-[audience laughs]

It's the Waitrose posh push.
"Fuck off!"

[audience laughs]

And the trolley sort of rolls away.

And then careers into another Range Rover…

for another posh person.

"What the fuck off is that doing there?"

[audience laughs]

And there's somebody
from Aldi in the bushes,

-"I'll have that!"
-[audience laughs]

"Get my week's shopping done
on that quid.

All the same shit you've just bought,
half the price."

There's Waitrose
and Marks & Spencers now in the…

motorway services.

This is good news for me,
because this is where I live my life.

I'm on the road.
I'm always eating in the services,

I have to go to the services,
get coffees all the time, in services.

I don't mind Costa,
but this Starbucks is winding me up

the way they take your name.
I don't want to give them it.

They write it on my cup and shout it,

in front of everyone. "Michael?"

-"I'm coming, hello."
-[audience laughs]

Also, I want to be recognized.

I order,
"Can I take your name please?"

[mumbles] "Nothing?
You know, nothing?"

"No bells at all?" [laughs]

Sometimes I try to encourage them,
"Ladies and gentleman."

[audience laughs]

Sometimes I make names up.

"It's Mrs. Mammaseh Mammasah Mamungosah."

-They write it on the cup.
-[audience laughs]

I was in there, just me and another woman.

It was late, nobody else was there,

just me, one other person. Empty.

She's in front of me, ordering her coffee.

She orders and the guy goes,

"Can I take your name please?"
"It's Jasmina."

The guy goes, "Can you spell that?"

I'm like, "Whoa. Can I just…

Interrupt here for a second? What…"

"What are the chances that
my name is also Jasmina?"

[audience laughs]

"It's only the spelling
of the name Jasmina

that separates me from this lady."

"Why not just put
'woman' and 'man' on the cups

and we can carry on with our life?"

"No need to be rude,
Mrs. Mammaseh Mammasah Mamungosah.

I remember you from the other day!"

[audience laughs]

They are very weird places, services.

Some of the entertainment options
are a little bit peculiar.

I mean, who goes into the arcade?

Who is gambling, who are these people

who stop in the daytime?

"Oh, its junction 16, I'm feeling lucky.

Let's play the fruit machines
at Leigh Delamere."

[audience laughs]

In the sort of dark corner of the world.

They don't look like
the healthiest people.

Like it's the closest they get to fruit,

is when they hope it lines up
in front of them.

[audience laughs]

What about those massage chairs?

Who goes on those?

Those big leather massage chairs

in the daylight
in the middle of the services.

I've never seen a trucker
sitting on that going,

"Yeah."

"After a few hours
on Britain's uneven roads,

this is exactly what I require!"

"Oh, look! There's a shiatsu option.

Cancel the spa break,
darling, it's like an holiday!"

[audience laughs]

I saw one the other day,
it was outside the loos!

People coming out sort of
splashing their washed hands.

"Ah! Hydrotherapy! I'm getting
more than I bargained for here."

[audience laughs]

But those loo's, seriously,
in the services,

are the most depressing place
in my life, I can't stand it.

When you've got to
go into the cubical.

'Cause I never just open doors randomly,

I always spend some time,
there's always like a long line of doors.

I spend time trying to work out
which one to open,

which one feels lucky, you know?

Cause you don't want to open it
and see something you don't want to see!

-Understand?
-[audience laughs]

It's like the unimaginably awful
episode of Deal or No Deal.

[audience laughs]

In Deal or No Deal, if you win,

you get a quarter of a million pounds.

In this motorway services
loo selection version,

a win is just clean, just clean.

It's a lovely word. You open
the door, it's like, "Ah! I won!"

-[sniffs] "It's clean!"
-[audience laughs]

There's a loo seat,
and a lock, it's beautiful.

There's lots of loo roll. "Deal!"

[audience laughs]

But we've all had that
equivalent of the 1p box…

When you open the door and like, "Ah!

-"It's a full house…
-[audience laughs]

…of depravity!"

Overflowing, unflushed loo…

No loo roll, no loo seat.

Piss all over the floor,
obscenities written on the wall,

no lock on the door.
I was in one of these recently.

I open the door,
it was exactly that.

As I walked in there was a sign,

"These loo's were last checked
and cleaned at two thirty."

I looked at my watch,
it was 2:42.

-[audience laughs]
-This had happened…

in the last 12 minutes!

-[audience laughs]
-What kind of a monster

had been in there?

Who in their right mind goes in,
fills up the whole loo,

then thinks, "I need all this."

"There's a fresh loo roll.

Good, I'm going to need every single bit
to deal with this situation."

Whilst actually pissing on the floor.

"I forgot to piss,
better fill that in all the way round.

That looks nice."

Writing obscenities on the wall.

Then rips off the loo seat,
kicks off the lock

-and carries on with their life.
-[audience laughs]

They can still be on the premises.

I've got a few suspects
on the fruit machines,

if you don't mind my saying.

"Aw, that massage chair
really got me going."

I don't understand.

And I don't understand
where all the loo seats are?

Why don't we ask ourselves
these questions?

Many times in my life,
I've gone into a public loo,

open the door, there's no loo seat.

"No seat in that one."

"What about this one?
No seat in that one."

"This one has a seat.
I'll go in there."

Whoa, whoa, backup…

Where are the seats?

Who are you?

Where are they going?

Who in their right mind finishes
on the loo and just thinks,

"That would look nice at home.

-Just screws off, does it?"
-[audience laughs]

Never seen anybody running
through the services car park

with a loo seat on their head.

"Don't ask, just fucking drive.
Look what Daddy got."

"And I got all the loo roll."

"There's your coffee, Jasmina. Go!"

[audience laughs]

The doors,
I don't understand as well.

Of all the doors in the world,

and there are a lot in the world,

don't you think that the doors of a place

where you're on the loo in public,

should fill the space around you
and give you maximum privacy?

These are the smallest doors in the world!

It's 2015, give us a bloody door!

They literally don't even--
They sort of start from here,

or they don't even go to the edges!

I was sitting on the loo,
I could see right through.

There was someone by the
hand dryer just staring at me.

[audience laughs]

They're like cowboy doors.

Why they start from here,
I don't understand.

Why do people want to see
the shitting feet of strangers?

Is that important to you?

They come in, "Look,
some shitting feet.

Yeah! I feel great here,
I know what I'm supposed to do."

I don't understand it!

They sort of start here…
And they go… Sort of to here.

No, not to here…
they go above your head.

That would be even worse.

I suppose we need
to be grateful for that!

Can you imagine?

[audience laughs, applauds]

"You going to be long?"
"Couple of minutes."

-"All right."
-[audience laughs]

"Jasmina, is it?
You've got my wife's coffee."

"Can I deal with this in a second,
I'm just finishing up."

[laughs] They do go over your head.

It goes all the way round,

you can see into the next one.

I went in one recently,
there was a newspaper in my bin.

"That's convenient. I want to read that."

And I just reached for it
and a hand came under the door,

started taking my--

-"No you bloody don't!"
-[audience laughs]

This is all I need to reveal now,

for people to recognize me.
They're like,

"I know those calves,
it's Mr. McIntyre, is it?"

-[audience laughs]
-"Can I get a selfie?"

[sighs] But obviously,
you have to go if, you know,

if you need to go
you've got to pull over.

But children, I don't tolerate that,

when they need to go
to the loo and they're in the car,

I say, "You should've
thought of that before!"

"Should've thought of that before!"

I say that because I've
heard other parents say it.

But it's a very
unreasonable request,

if you actually think it through. [laughs]

People don't preplan
when to go to the loo,

they need to go, and they go.
Adults don't think of it before.

But children
have to think of it before.

I think it would be
quite creepy if they did!

[laughs] "Before we set off,
Daddy, I would just like to

point out that I did have two
apple juices with my breakfast.

And with my usual
rate of my digestion,

I'll say I'll be needing a pee
between 40 and 45 minutes."

"If you maintain this speed

of between 70 and 75 miles an hour,

then speed equal distance over
time and according to this map,

will be between
junctions 14 and 17 of the M4,

when I'm desperate for a pee.
So I'll pee now,

in advance of setting off,
so as not to annoy you."

"You're a fucking freak!

I don't think I want you in the car!"

"Don't think of it before!"

My children are doing very well.

They're ten and seven,
they're amazing, and I have to say,

all respect to my wife,
who's doing an incredible,

patient job of raising them.
Don't know how she does it.

I can't do it.
I had to babysit the other night.

I lose it very quickly.

It's not that my wife is without limits,

she has this thing, all woman do,

she has a thing called a tether.

Now I don't know what a tether is.

Men aren't allowed
to know what a tether is.

We just know that women
will find themselves

somewhere along the tether,
at any time of the day.

But we're not allowed any information
as to where she's located upon it.

There's no tethermometer,
there's no updates.

No women update us
of where they are on the tether.

The first we learn of where they are
on the tether…

is when they reach the end of the tether.

[audience laughs]

And this can literally happen at any time,
out of the blue.

The other day,
I opened the fridge and it was empty.

"Darling, there's nothing in the fridge."

She just mimicked me:
"There's nothing in the fridge."

[audience laughs]

"I was wondering what's for dinner."

"Whatever the fuck you want, Michael."

[audience laughs]

I think I know what's happened here.

"You've reached the end of your tether."

[audience laughs]

"I didn't even know
you were in the danger zone.

You should've warned me!"

This is where you go out for dinner.

Going out for dinner…
A lot of people here don't have children,

And you call it "going out for dinner."

A lot of people do have children,

they also call it "going out for dinner."

Very different things,
but called the same thing.

When you're not with your children
it's a social thing.

It's not really about eating,
it's about chatting.

Waiter comes over,
"Are you ready to order?"

"We haven't looked,
give us five more minutes,

we're adults and we're chatting."

Waiter comes over in five minutes,
"You ready?"

"We've done it again.
Two more minutes, we're just chatting."

[audience laughs]

With your children,
the waiter tries to leave.

"Whoa. Where are you going?

We know exactly what we want from you."

"Four Margarita's,
four diet cokes and the bill.

Bring the bill with the food."

"Ask the chef
if he has Calpol or Nurofen,

or a combination of the two."

"And my wife's at the end of her tether,

she'll have a large glass of white wine."

[audience laughs]

When did waiters stop having pads?
I don't understand this.

They come over, and they just stand there,

"Hi, guys. Hi, guys."

"So, uh, what can I get you?"

"I'll have one pad and one pen,
that's for you, dickhead.

Do your job."

"Not here to test your memory."

I find myself ordering less
so they remember it. Write it down!

I took my wife out for date night.

This is a great way
to get her down to the more

desirable place along the tether.

Great for tether readjustment, date night.

Of course I ruined it.

I took her to this expensive restaurant,

where they really wound me up.

They do this thing,
never seen it before,

they gave me a normal menu
with the food and the prices.

They gave her a menu,
with just the food. No prices.

So we had a very different experience
in this restaurant.

She's like,
"Ooh, the lobster looks good."

I'm like, "No it fucking doesn't.
It looks awful!"

"The green beans as a side order to share,
looked rather yummy."

She said, "I wonder what
the catch of the day is."

"It's £45 and you're not having it! Okay?"

[audience laughs]

I actually called the waiter over.

"Sorry, £45 for the catch of the day?

What is it you've caught?

Because if it's not a mermaid,
you're overcharging.

Do you understand?"

[audience laughs]

But the best news
for my wife's tether position…

and, my whole family, in fact,

is that we've moved to the country.

It's been my wife's dream
to have a place in the country.

It became my dream
when she told me about it

every day for 15 years.

So we've finally done it.

A beautiful place in the country…

and I'm readjusting to country life.

There are things I didn't know about.
I'm a Londoner, lived here my whole life.

Things like plumbing,
never knew about plumbing.

You don't think about plumbing in London,

you just flush the loo
and I don't care what goes on.

I wash my hands and carry on with my life.

Now have bought a house
and there's no plumbing,

didn't know that when I bought it.

There's a tank next to the house

and everything from the loo
goes into the tank,

it's called a septic tank
and it gets changed once a year.

Tell me honestly,
is that living the dream?

-Would you say?
-[audience laughs]

When you buy a house, people say,

"The previous owners
left all their shit behind."

That's exactly the situation I'm in!

[audience laughs]

I've got a shit tank next to my house!

[audience laughs]

Horrible.

And people.
I thought I was getting away from people

by leaving the biggest,
most populated city in the world.

But apparently not.

Cause in London, nobody talks
to each other, they ignore you.

People don't come round
unless they're invited,

or delivering something.

In the country, they just come round,
from the village.

They just come round
to introduce themselves.

They knock on the door all the time.
"Hello? All right?"

[audience laughs]

"I'm sorry I haven't been round sooner."

[audience laughs]

"I don't know you, you shouldn't
have come round at all. Goodbye."

They always say exactly where they live.

"You know when you're driving up?
You know the church?

I live in the white house,
just behind the church."

"If you know where you live,
go there now,

because I live here and don't know you."

I might as well just burn my mobile phone,
what's the point?

I spend the whole time
wandering into fields.

"Hello? Can you hear me now?
Hello? Sorry. Can you hear me now? Hello?

I've got one bar."
Sheep are like, "Baa."

"Not talking to you, I'm trying to talk
to London. Can you hear me now?"

But the biggest change
living in the country

is the darkness.

It's how dark it is at night.

I'm not mad, I do know
that it gets dark at night.

But in London, it never really gets dark.

It's always a 24 hour city.
It's illuminated.

But in the country, it's mental.

I mean, it wasn't expected.

When we bought the house,
there was a brochure,

it had a picture of the house
in the daytime, on the front.

Had a picture of the views in the daytime.

What there should have been
is a black page

that said at the bottom,
"At night, you will shit yourself."

'Cause I cannot tell you how dark it is.

I remember the first day.

It was such a beautiful idyllic scene.

My wife was so happy,
we were holding hands,

She was like, "We did it, darling.
Do you like it?"

"I'm so happy, darling.

What tether? I don't know what that is."

The children were running in the
grass and the sun was setting

over the fields and it was like
we're being welcomed by the birds.

Little multi-colored birds
coming out of the woods. [tweets]

Like they're welcoming us. [tweets]

[tweets] Lovely sounds.

'Cause in London we're not allowed birds.

We just have pigeons.
That's all we get, pigeons!

Just fat, depressed, suicidal pigeons.

-Just walk in front of cars.
-[audience laughs]

"Kill me now.

End my shit life in this
hellhole you call home."

[audience laughs]

But in the country,
lovely birds welcoming us,

children running,
sun setting, hand holding.

Then the sun set, entirely.

And it got so dark, so quickly,

I cannot tell you
how terrifying it was.

My wife and I were
clawing at each other's faces.

-[audience laughs]
-The children: "Mommy?

Daddy? Where are you?"

"Come to where you hear the sound!"

And it seemed like

all the lovely daytime animals
were instantly replaced

-by the night shift crew, yeah!
-[audience laughs]

Birds making the most sinister sounds

I've ever heard in my life!

Literally… [caws]

[audience laughs]

-[caws]
-[audience laughs]

I'm like, "Please tell me that's
your new ring tone? What was that?"

[audience laughs]

[caws]

In the pitch-black darkness.
Are you kidding?

I Googled on my phone

what bird sounds like
a child crying in the woods.

'Cause it literally sounded like
that. [mimic's a child's cry]

[mimics a child's cry]

-That with… [caws]
-[audience laughs]

My whole family were
holding hands in a 360.

Edging to where we hoped the house was.

We couldn't see it in the dark.
We're drifting into the neighbors' field.

Wife says, "Let's go back to London.

Let's forget this, the dream is over."

My children are like, "I don't like it."
[caws]

[audience laughs]

And there seems to be a fox
who lives at the house.

I thought I bought the house,

but no, fox lives there.

We have foxes in London,
they're called urban foxes.

You see them for a second, don't you?

Driving back at night,
a fox crosses the road.

"Look! There's a fox!"
Look back, it's gone.

There was a fox, but now it's gone.

I didn't know they make noises,
they don't in London.

They make noises like they're throwing up.

Like they have no control
over their vocal chords.

Literally…
[mimics fox] Like that.

-[audience laughs]
-[mimics fox]

Not scared of humans, as well.
He just stands on the lawn,

-[mimic fox] Like, "Fuck off!"
-[audience laughs]

He just walks towards me.
[mimics fox]

[audience laughs]

[caws, mimics child's cry,
mimics fox]

[audience laughs]

I heard one of the daytime animals

get murdered on the way out.

[tweets, mimics fox,
mimics child's cry]

[audience laughs]

To be honest, the worst noise is a cat.

I'm not frightened of cats,

but it's like a stray horny cat.

Cats on heat make the most
horrible yearning…

Slutty noise.
[mimics cat on heat]

[audience laughs]

[mimics cat on heat]

If only women were like this.

How much easier would my teenage years
have been? [chuckles]

Have you met Deborah?
[mimics cat on heat]

[audience laughs]

"I think Deborah's up for it."
"I think you're right."

"Great news."
"Thanks for the intro."

We finally made our way into the house.

People in the country,
they always say,

"We never lock our doors, in the country."

Are you joking?

I was putting furniture
in front of all the doors and windows.

After half an hour,
I just open the curtains,

there's a fox in my face!
[mimics fox, screams]

[audience laughs]

I couldn't sleep.

I thought, "I've made the biggest mistake,
moving here."

I couldn't sleep. I was up at night.
My wife,

I kept staring at her.
[mimics sleeping, farting]

[audience laughs]

I went to the window,
two or three days after we moved in,

I went to the window,
opened the curtains…

and it wasn't pitch black anymore.

The moon was shining,
the stars were twinkling, and…

and I opened the window
and it was actually…

it was quiet.
The fox had gone to sleep,

the cat had got laid,
it was fine.

[audience laughs]

And I could see my breath,

you know, because it's cold.

It's quite fun.
In the daytime, you ignore it,

but when you're on your own.
[breathes heavily]

You play with your breath a bit.

In Scotland it's so cold,

they can only see each other's breath.

That's why they panic
when they're on holiday.

"Sorry, Ken, I had to wake you,
I thought you were dead.

I didn't see anything
coming out of your face."

"It's just so hot it melted,
it's very disconcerting."

[audience laughs]

So I'm standing in the window…
[breathes] …with the breath…

the stars, the moon,
and the total silence.

I started to relax, I was like,
"Yeah, this is what it's about.

It's far more dangerous in London.

It's beautiful here,
I can get used to this."

I just started getting used to the idea
of being there,

when I heard a noise.

I don't know what it was.

I don't know if it was a bird,
or a cat, it came from the bush

beneath me and all I can tell you

is that animals make
so many different noises

that just occasionally,
by accident I suppose,

statistically, they will speak English.

[audience laughs]

So I'm standing
there with the moon

and the stars and the breath…

…and the total silence…
[chuckles]

…when I just heard this…

"Hello?"

[audience laughs]

I don't think I breathed
for about 15 minutes,

I would've seen it
come out of my face!

Then it went again, "Hello?"

I literally shat my pants.

[laughing]

Which was frustrating 'cause I could
see the septic tank from the window.

[audience laughs]

'Cause the problem is,
it's my responsibility

that I feel so isolated.
I think it's why I'm so worried.

Whenever there's a noise in the house,

it's always the same thing at night.

My wife always wakes me up.
"Michael! Wake up, wake up!"

And I'm all-- "What? What?"

[audience laughs]

"There might be
somebody downstairs!"

There's always somebody downstairs.

"I heard a noise
coming from the kitchen."

Sometimes I hear the noise too.

She's like "Go on, go on."
"What do you mean go on?"

"Go and see!"

"Go and see?
That's not the way I…

Planned on dealing
with this situation."

"I think we should hide
as a family, and await rescue."

[audience laughs]

She always says, "But Michael,
you're the man of the house!"

"I am the man of the house,

but what concerns me
at this very moment,

is there might be
another man in the house."

[audience laughs]

"And I've decided to make him
the man of the house

-on this occasion."
-[audience laughs]

It's terrifying.

Obviously I'm not frightened
of birds and cats,

I'm frightened, I'm frightened
of burglars, you know, humans.

Scary ones, because in London,

you phone the police, don't you?

You tell them your name and address…

And the road number.
And the post code.

In the country, it's different.

People in the country say things like,

"Ignore the post code,

that takes you
to the middle of a field."

Why don't you have that changed?
I don't understand.

Is that where you collect
your post in the morning?

"It's just bills today.

Another five miles to get home now."

I don't understand it.

I've always just given
people directions, you know?

"You'll feel a slight dip in the road,

you take a right
at the dip in the road.

And then you'll come to some roadkill,
it's left at the roadkill.

Then it feels like you're driving into
a hedge, you've got to trust the road,

it's more of a lane… Than a road.

Go down there for maybe two, three miles

then you'll come
to a huge oak tree.

Then you know you've gone too far.
Turn back."

On the phone to the police
giving them directions

while some balaclava'd maniac
steals my televisions.

Am I going to pass the phone to him?

"Sorry, how did you find the place?
Can I put you onto the police?"

I realize that I have
to deal with the situation.

So I see this sort of
you know, like a balaclava'd…

It's always a balaclava.

Knife-wielding, sort of big man
and I have to confront him.

This is what I worry about,

I'm up at night thinking
what am I going to do.

'Cause I'm posh when I'm nervous.

I'm not generally posh
but when I'm nervous

my voice goes completely

"Oh my God, oh my God!"

And that's the least threatening accent
in the world, me coming out,

"What on earth are you
doing in my kitchen?"

"If you haven't made yourself scarce
before I've made my cocoa,

there's going to be serious
issues between us."

-[audience laughs]
-It's the least intimidating.

And I'm not a fighter,
I've got no moves.

The only move I have
is the Waitrose posh push,

I can't just go in and go "Fuck off!"

That's all I've got.

And hope he lands in the fire.

"Fuck off! Oh brilliant,
he landed in the Aga!"

I won! I won! I think I won!

-[audience laughs]
-[Michael laughing]

Also I wear pajamas.

Nobody's won a fight in pajamas.

It's the least threatening outfit
of all the outfits.

So me, with my silly hair
and my silly voice

and my pajamas,
I know I will die.

I will get killed at the hands
of any intruder.

So I've tried to come up with
a plan of what I'm going to do.

And I do have a plan of sorts.
I'm going to run it by you.

I'm going to be,

if somebody breaks into my house,

I'm going to be Scottish.
Now just bear with me,

I'm not a Scottish person,

but I do a good Scottish accent,

and it's just that much
more intimidating than my own.

[in Scottish accent] "Hey!"

That's a Scottish sound,
you can already sense

the elevation in tension.

It's all in the eyes. "Hey!"

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?"

[audience laughs]

You can sense it.

"I cannae believe this, pal!"

"You woke me up!

You fucking woke me up!"
Just go mental, that's my plan.

"I was up there dreaming
of an independent Scotland

[screams] and fucking you!"

[audience laughing & clapping]

Maybe hit yourself in the face.

I've seen people hit themselves
in the face in fights.

What are they going to do to you

if they're prepared to hit
themselves in the face?

"I can't fucking believe you've woken me
up in the night, pal!"

[audience laughs]

And I've decided that
rather than go in my pajamas,

I think totally naked is my best strategy.

-[audience laughs]
-Who's going to mess

with a completely naked Scottish man

in the early hours of the morning?

I'll try and make this area as
active as possible, as well.

[in Scottish accent] "What the fuck
are you doing down here?"

[yelling] "Do I know you?"

Keep it busy. "Do I know you?"

[audience laughs]

"This is my house, pal!"

[audience laughs]

Maybe drop something.
"Who left that down there?

"Bastard!"

[audience laughs]

Use it to direct them out,
if you can. "Yeah!

I'm talking to you!

Get your shit together.

Turn around and piss off
out the back door!"

[audience laughs]

or act like you've
been expecting them,

that's probably even more
intimidating [chuckles]

"Where the bloody hell have you been?
You're late!"

"Follow me up,

we're all upstairs waiting. Come on!"

[audience laughs]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much
for listening to my show!

Thank you so much!

Hope you enjoyed yourself!
Good night, London.

-[audience cheering & clapping]
-Whoo-hoo!

[audience whistling]

Yes! Oh you're--

[audience cheers]

I don't go off for long.

I don't go off for long.

It's an encore but I go off
and I come straight back.

I don't like to milk it.

[audience laughs]

I always do it, but I don't understand
these encores, they're a bit peculiar.

I'm coming back. The lights are off.

I've never have gone so quickly.

I just stand there and come straight
back out after five seconds.

When I was doing the theaters
before we came into the arenas,

we had the wings, you know,
in the corner of the stage.

And literally, there'd be curtains.

And I do the whole
"Thank you, good night."

And I just go behind the curtain,

just count to five,
and then come back out.

I did this gig in Southampton,
a beautiful theater,

and I got my bearings wrong.

And I-- [chuckles]
It was very creepy,

I didn't go all the way out.

I went "Good night, thank you!"

And then stood in the corner like this.

[audience laughs]

[Michael] Like the end
of The Blair Witch Project.

And people weren't even clapping,

they were just staring at me
and then I realized my mistake.

-[audience laughs]
-And just shuffled in.

-[audience laughs]
-Creatively bizarre ending.

So I've got this one joke,
which I was very keen

to get into the DVD.

But every time I put it in the show,
it doesn't seem to fit.

Because it sort of jars with
the flow of the show.

So I'm going to do it now,
independently for you.

[audience cheering & clapping]

-Velvet. Now velvet…
-[audience cheering & clapping]

is an odd fabric.

You can see where the troubles lies.

-Velvet…
-[audience laughs]

Yeah, good luck. Let me know if you…

Know where I can put this in the show.

When you meet people
and they're wearing velvet, go with this.

When you meet people and they're wearing
velvet, you have to comment on it.

The only fabric you have to comment on.

Any other fabric of clothes,
you don't comment.

You meet the person,
you just meet them.

That's the main point
of meeting the person.

But when they're in velvet,
"Ooh, is that velvet?"

"Velvet! Are you wearing velvet?"

Then I start rubbing the velvet.

There's something about velvet

that entices you to rub the velvet.

My wife does it too.
"Ooh, is that velvet?"

This leads me to my invention.

Just a normal denim trousers
with a velvet crotch,

-I thought would be quite fun!
-[audience laughs]

"Nice to meet you. Is that velvet?
That's lovely."

"Look darling, it's velvet.

Does that go all the way round?

-Really nice to meet you."
-[audience laughs]

So, I have to be honest with you.
Being here, It's London.

It's my home.
I've been traveling everywhere.

It's such a pleasure,
and I'm a bit upset it's my last night.

But it really is, honestly,
so much fun! Thank you.

-[audience cheers]
-Cause I've been…

all around the country,
building up to here.

And I've been going abroad,
as well.

I've started gigging abroad.

I didn't know people knew me abroad.

I didn't really know how,
YouTube or something…

The show was sold there
but I started getting these phone calls

and then I went to Norway and…

[South African accent]
I went to South Africa.

I got invited to South Africa.

I'm sorry to do the accent

but it's just too fun not to do, you know?

[audience laughs]

If you've got a little time on
your hands, just have a--

Just talk to yourself
in a South African accent.

Like that. And if you don't know
how to do it,

just make sure that every
syllable that you say,

has nothing to do

with the syllable
directly before it, okay?

[audience laughing & cheering]

I went to South Africa,

and they invited me to go to
Cape Town, and Johannesburg.

And I kept telling people,

"I'm going to Cape Town
and Johannesburg to do comedy."

They'd say the same thing:

"You're going to love Cape Town!"

I'd go, "What about Johannesburg?"

They told me,
almost to the man

they knew somebody
or somebody who knew somebody

who was shot in Johannesburg.

I looked it up online, big mistake.

It's the murder capital of the world.

More people are shot in Johannesburg
than anywhere in the world.

I tried to pull out of the gig.
I called the office.

"Can I not do the Johannesburg one
and just do Cape Town?"

They said it's too late,
you've sold all the tickets.

"You're overreacting, being silly.

It's a lovely venue,
why don't you look it up online?"

So rather than going
on the website, modern day,

I went on Google street view.

Where there's that green man.

Then you pick him up,

-you drag him,
-[audience laughs]

and you drop him on the
road and then that road comes up.

They've photographed
all the roads in the world.

So I dropped him outside
the venue in Johannesburg,

to see what it looked like.

And he got shot!
That's when I knew.

[audience laughing & clapping]

It wasn't such a good idea.

And I went to Norway, I went to…

[in Australian accent]
Australia.

I don't know if there's
any Aussie's here,

but I went all the way to
Australia to do some shows.

The Aussie's who live over here,
they're kind of wild.

They've come a long way.

"I'm going to make the most of it!

Come on! Yeah I'm in London!"

[audience laughs]

The ones in Australia,

they're the most relaxed people
I've ever met, in my entire life.

They speak so slowly.

[in Australian accent] "Yeah,
I'm in no rush whatsoever.

I'm miles away from
everywhere on earth.

What's the point of rushing?"

-[audience laughs]
-"I mean we're 12 hours ahead,

you're never going
to catch up anyway."

[audience laughs]

Even in the airport,
I've never heard less urgency.

"Flight number two…

Seven…"

-[audience laughs]
-"Is that a four?

Would you call that a four?"

[audience laughs]

"Oh that one's gone,
that's my mistake.

Too slow, I'm afraid.
That's happened again."

[audience laughs]

They do this thing where they go:
"How ya going?"

They don't go: "How are you?"
They go, "How ya going?"

"How ya going?" I'd never heard this,

till I was checking in
on an internal flight.

I was going from Sydney to Adelaide.

I was like: "I'd like to go
to Adelaide."

And she went,
"How ya going?"

I was like "Aircraft?
What kind of place is this?"

[audience laughs]

And I even went to Dubai,
which was very weird.

I wasn't playing to the locals
in Dubai, it was to expats.

I think I sold a load of tickets

but I think it's to get out of the heat.

I think it's air-conditioning
that's the biggest draw in Dubai,

'cause I've been to Dubai last summer,
on holiday.

The biggest mistake of my life.

It is so hot, that you can't
actually believe they built it.

It makes you quite angry.

It's like an oven.
People go, "It's like an oven!"

It is. The only other time
I've felt heat like this,

is when you leave the
oven on a long time,

and you open it and it hits you
[whooshes]

in the face like that.

And I've never
in that moment thought:

I want to go
on holiday in there!

-[audience laughs]
-"What do you think, darling?

You, me and the kids,
280 degrees C, fan assisted?"

[audience laughs]

I can't tell you how hot it was.

There was a revolving door in our hotel,

and when I revolved out
from the air-conditioning

into the outside of Dubai,

I just revolved straight back in. "No!"

"We cannot go out there!"

I can't tell you what it was like.

There were people going through
with frozen chickens

and coming round with Sunday
lunches on the other side.

"If the juices run clear,
then it is ready."

"More crispy? One more
revolution will do this!"

[audience laughs]

I don't understand
revolving doors.

I think it should be illegal

for strangers to get into your segment.

-There it is, I said it!
-[audience laughs]

It's hard enough when
you've got in your segment,

and you're trying to make your way round
in a weird sort of segment revolving door.

It's the oddest thing
when a stranger slots in.

"Whoa! There's a stranger
in my segment!

Why couldn't he just wait a microsecond
for his own segment?

-[audience laughs]
-It's very hard to walk,

with another person in your segment!

-[audience laughs]
-I cannot believe a stranger

has joined me in my segment!

[audience laughs]

I always eyeball them. "I don't
know you, you're a stranger!"

[in Japanese accent] "I know you!

I held your hand once, in the road.

Why you never remember me?"

"You not call me, nothing.

Hold my hand so strong
and then disappear."

-[Michael laughing]
-[audience laughs]

But obviously,
when we're on holiday in Dubai,

Very dangerous for the children.
I mean, the sun is so strong.

That's why I have to put them
in the shade.

It's my responsibility,
you know? As a father,

it's my responsibility.
I'm not married to a doctor,

-so I have to do things myself.
-[audience laughs]

and by the pool, it's always
about moving these umbrellas.

They've got these umbrellas,
they block the sun.

And my children on the bed like that.
And my wife goes,

"Move the umbrella,
get the kids in the shade.

This is easier said than done!

These umbrellas are extremely heavy.

You can't just drag it to
where you want it to go.

The only way to move it
is you have to tilt it,

and twirl it like this.

And twirl it,
and keep twirling it,

and twirl it again…

And then you end up
where you started.

So you realize you have to do a series
of alternate tilts and twirls

to try and reach your destination,

and you find yourself moving further away.

It's hard to get where you're going.

"Where are you going?"
"Trying to get to you.

Let me try and work this out!"

I saw another dad
get closer to my kids.

"Why don't you save my children

and I'll try and get round to yours!"

[audience laughs]

When I was checking in,

this bloke came through
reception with an umbrella.

He was like: "I'm not even
staying at this hotel."

[audience laughs]

"I'm supposed to be
in Sharm el Sheik!"

[audience laughs]

"Tell my wife I love her.
My kids must've melted by now!"

[audience laughing & clapping]

Obviously going on holiday,

it's about getting
away from the country.

It's also about getting away…
from people as well.

I want you to know
I love British people.

I would never live
anywhere but here.

I am one of you, I love you,
but on holiday,

I can't really stand you!
There's something about Brits,

I'm one of them,

but I feel so much better with foreigners,

'cause you feel like you're away.

We seem to be quite whiney,
don't we?

By the pool, "Dave?" [in nasal voice]

"Dave!"

"Dave!"
I don't want to be on holiday with Dave.

-"Dave!"
-[audience laughs]

"Do you see my
other flip-flop, Dave?"

-[audience laughs]
-"I dunno love,

it's your flip-flop.
Where'd you last see it?"

I said, "I don't like this."

But foreigners are having
the same conversations,

it just sounds so much better
coming from them. [chuckles]

[speaking Spanish]

[audience laughs]

[speaking Italian]

-[audience laughs]
-Just lying there like

"Oh it's so great
to be away, isn't it?"

-[audience laughs]
-"I'm loving it here."

Even the kids,
I don't want to be rude

about our children, but foreign children,

they seem to be amazing.

They play all day,
they have golden brown tans,

they swim like dolphins!

They dive into the water,
you don't even see a splash!

They just disappear.

And emerge on the other side of the water.

"Whoo-hoo! Mamma, pappa! Le agua!

Is a magnifico!"

[audience laughs]

[speaking Italian]

[audience laughs]

British children have
so much cream on,

you can see them from space!

-[audience laughs]
-We love basting.

we like to baste
the kids in cream.

[audience laughs]

All in their eyes
and their noses and mouths.

"Come here!" Reluctantly,
"I don't like it!"

They don't just have armbands,
we like to put these flotation suits,

they're the most
buoyant things on earth!

They're sort of bobbing around
with cream in their eyes.

And the tightest goggles.

With goggles, once you over tighten them,
you can't reverse it.

They're, "Daddy, can you
get my goggles right?"

And you can't do it.

You fight with it for a while,

you give up, pretend you've done it,

and just strap them on that tight.

"Ow, daddy! That really hurts! Ow!"

"Ow, the cream's dripping
in my eye from the goggle.

"Go on, make a friend."

"I can't see where the pool is!"

[audience laughs]

Foreign kids are just smoking cigarettes,
drinking coffee.

[inhales, speaking Italian]

[audience laughs]

Swimming is the big thing for us.
I mean, seriously,

compared to foreigners
it's absolutely hysterical.

I've seen what foreigners do

when they're by the pool
and they need to swim.

They get hot.

They get up.

And they get in.

That's the process. Hot. Up. In.
[whooshes]

"Yeah! Just doing lengths.
Ciao. That's it."

Easy. It's an amazing thing.

We can't do that.

We, as British people,
need to enter into a whole process.

First of all we have to announce
to all the British people we're with,

I'm going in.

[audience laughs]

"You going in?"
"Yes, I am going in."

"What's it like?"
"What's it like?"

Going in doesn't mean going in,

it means reviewing
the temperature of the water,

as everybody waits for the results.

And it's always the same,
"Ahh! It's freezing!"

"What's it like?"

"It's freezing!"

This is where you enter the
next phase of the production,

where there'll already be a British person

in the pool who will swim up to you,
and offer you some advice.

It's advice you received

on every previous swim
of your entire life,

and advice you'll receive

on every future swim of your entire life.

But this advice, at this key moment,

means nothing to you at all.

And that it is all right once you're in.
But it means nothing!

-[audience laughs]
-So why not just get in?

"It's all right once you're in!"

[audience laughs]

It's actually
quite warm in here!

[audience laughs]

"I was like you,
but look at me now!"

[audience laughs]

But you don't believe a word of it!

You give yourself maximum pain,

you take it one step at a time.

Some people just wait with the water
round their waist,

complaining, trying to build the courage.

[breathing deeply]

"I don't like it!"

"It's freezing!"
[shrieking] "It's freezing!"

[audience laughs]

Sometimes they just
launch themselves in. "Ahh!"

[cries, laughs]

It takes about four strokes before
they make their announcement.

"Ahh!"
"It's all right once you're in."

-For fuck sakes!
-[audience laughs]

"We all told you this!"

The very fact there are people
swimming happily in the pool,

implies that it's
all right once you're in.

It's not like you're standing there
going, "Oh! It's freezing!"

And there are just blue
bodies floating on the surface.

[audience laughs]

"I don't think it's all right
once you're in,

there are dead blue people in the pool,
darling, dead blue people!"

[audience laughs]

Had this lovely man looking after us
when we were on holiday, in Dubai.

Don't know where he was from,
he was a tiny little person.

He could never say my name.
"Hello, Mr. Macintarry,

-Mr. Maciantire."
-[audience laughs]

"McIntyre."
"Macintacitacitire."

"Macintitytitytac, Mackiyaki."

He did this thing
where he made a swan

out of the bath towel.

Amazing! My wife loved it.

We came back to the room,
there's a swan on the bed.

Made of towel. Swan towel.

My wife's like, "Look what that man did,
he made us a…

beautiful swan,
out of the towel!"

I use it as an excuse
when I leave my wet towels on the floor.

"Michael, why'd you leave
your wet towels on the floor?"

'That… Is a platypus."

[audience laughs]

"How dare you
criticize my early work!"

[audience laughs]

I've come out the shower,
I'm on holiday,

and there's no towels.

The kids have used all the towels.
Typical.

So I go and reach for the swan,

'cause it is a towel.

My wife goes mental. "Don't
you dare touch that swan!"

That man made the swan
and you'll ruin it,

like you ruin everything!"

And I'm, "But there are no towels!"
"Okay, fine, use it."

But work around it, Michael.
Don't ruin it, don't spoil it."

So, I'm standing there, naked,

drying myself on the swan, like this.

[audience laughs]

The bloody man who made it
walks in. "Ahh! Mr. McTackarie!"

-"Shit!" Oh, it was terrible!
-[audience laughs]

[chuckles] I felt awful.

When we left I thought I'm
going to give him

all my money that I had left.
All the dirham's, the currency for Dubai.

And I worked it out to be 90 quid.

Thought I'd give him 90 quid.

He's been charming, he deserves it.

I told him, as I shook his hand,

gave him the money and went,
"You deserve this."

He just rolled his eyes,
and walked off.

I was like, "That's a bit rude,
a bit weird."

I felt odd about it
and then on the plane

I worked out that I'd got
the exchange rate wrong

and I actually gave him 9p.

[audience laughs]

I gave him 9p and I told him
he deserved it as I gave it to him.

[laughing]

I think of all the people in the world,
he hates me the most.

Can only imagine him
getting home to his wife.

"I cannot believe
Mr. McIntackarie. He give me 9p!

9p after I have to look
at his upside down creepy legs,

for ten days!"

[audience laughs]

"He drugs his children, you know?

He would leave syringes
on the floor. I have to pick them up

and say nothing as he drugs his children!

They were on the iPad
24 hours a day!

-Mr. McIntacary is disgustings!"
-[audience laughs]

"He sewed velvet onto his
swimming trunks, who does that?"

[audience laughs]

"And he's fucked my swan! I hate him!"

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
so much for coming out tonight.

Thank you very much, London!

To everyone at the top,
thank you so much for coming!

Be careful down the ladders!
Thank you all!

You're very kind!

From the bottom of my heart,
thank you so much.

I will see you again!
Good night!

Whoo!

[upbeat guitar jazz plays]