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Downloaded from YTS.MX

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BASED ON AN IDEA BY CLAUDE MULOT

How's the boss this morning?

- Oh dear, oh dear… - Oh dear?

The boss?

At last, Picard. The president was getting impatient.

What does he want?

- I've got a plane to catch. - When?

- 12.30 p.m. - You'll miss it.

- Right. How is he? - As per usual.

Mr. Picard, you'll miss your flight.

Yes, Mr. President.

But you'll take another in two hours.

If Mr. President recommends a different flight,

I'm sure it must be better than the first.

It's not better. It's headed elsewhere.

Mr. Stumph-Bachelier has found a better vacation place than Scotland.

A country we all dream of, not without nostalgia…

Africa.

Africa, Mr. President?

Africa, Picard.

The largest continent.

Well, a speck of Africa's dust…

A small island in the Indian Ocean, Île de France.

Now called Mauritius.

Dr. Liebenstein prescribed cold and drizzle…

The torrential rain of Africa, up there with Bengal's,

is some of the world's most famous!

Do you doubt me?

Call Liebenstein!

What Mr. President's not said

is that you're not just going there on vacation,

but in a work capacity. A purchase opportunity, Picard.

You'll contact one of the most important clients

of Ba­chelier Computing: Mr. La Pallière.

Dr. Liebenstein on line five.

Hello? Liebenstein? Hello, dear friend.

I've got Picard in my office here.

He seems allergic to the scirocco. Let me hand him over. Reassure him.

Julien, what are these whims?

Scotland, Africa, Lourdes.

It doesn't matter where you go. What do you expect from nature?

You're a reject, Julien…

Yes, I know. You'd already told me that, Professor.

A reject, a piece of trash… And something I've forgotten.

You're a piece of mud.

Yes: a piece of mud.

If you were a bit more global,

you'd not be such a fuss

about replacing Scotland with Africa and trout with alligators.

You are right, Professor. I apologize.

Hurry up, Picard, you mustn't miss the flight.

You'll just make it.

I'd have liked to change my clothes,

and repacked my case.

Hurry up Picard. Have a good vacation.

Thanks Mr. President.

Thanks all.

At least you won't be cold there.

- I feel the cold here. - Oh really?

Where we're headed, even in the shade… bang!

I'm sorry, I need to make a call.

Use the outer terminal. Plenty of time.

Listen, I have travelled before.

Excuse me, miss. The phone please.

Wait until you're airside We've only got time for check in.

Thanks, miss.

She told you to call airside, right?

She said nothing.

I saw you talking to her Did you ask her for the phone?

Absolutely not.

I asked her how her mother in Scotland is doing,

I often go there to fish for trout.

That's right, I've got friends on airlines worldwide.

Air Mauritius 071

are now invited to proceed to Outer Terminal 3.

You see, you wouldn't have had the time.

Time to do what?

Listen, dear sir,

what a man and a women may wish to do

before being separated by hundreds of thousands of hectometers

is sensory

and requires discretion. There.

Hundreds of thousands of hectometers?

You calculate things in hectometers?

Sorry, I'd like to call my wife.

- I was leaving for Scotland… - The telephone.

It's your wife, darling.

I don't know. A sense of foreboding.

I was worried something happened to you.

You've got a horrible horoscope, this morning…

Nothing serious. A minor health scare.

Layer up.

Pluto is emerging from Saturn's tail, so don't go out!

Oh yes! Shampoo the cat, if you like,

but be careful with her eyes. They're delicate.

And tell the janitor she can buy a lottery ticket

between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m., understood?

Yes? There.

Good bye, my dear. Sorry.

Passengers for Mauritius,

flight Air Mauritius 071

is now boarding.

Oh shit…

Last call for Air Mauritius, flight 071.

Vacations while others are working are great.

Yes, it's a business trip.

I don't work anymore. I enter competitions and I win them.

I've discovered lucrative puns.

"All roads lead to rum". Not bad, eh?

My first. I got second prize too. Under another name.

"Rum, sole object of my assortment."

That one's better, no?

You get paid for that?

My vacations are paid for. I stretch it out with welfare payments.

Oh look. I know her. Hey!

I know her! That's it, the vacation has begun!

- Please. - What?

Where have I met her before?

Did we have a drink on the Champs-Elysées?

- I wouldn't be surprised. - Let's go!

You've got an antenna?

Here will be perfect.

There she is. The vacation is about to start.

This way, my lovely dear!

It's a long way so, spend it with witty guys.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Hello.

May I? Be so kind

and put my box up there. Thank you.

May I take that seat?

- Be my guest. - Thank you.

Marie-Louise Precy-Lamont. My name must be familiar to you.

No.

I'm at Pleyel every six months. You must have seen the posters?

You're a pianist then?

- A speaker. - Oh right…

Quack grass is the raw material.

The uncivilized are getting rarer.

I've covered Tibetans, New Yorkers. Well,

just the ones in the Village, of course.

The rest are really too dangerous.

And now I'm going on a conquest of the Tropics.

I didn't even bring swimwear.

Oh… Oh, would you be so kind

- and get my box? - Oh yes.

Thank you. And… I'm not overdoing it if I give you this?

Thanks a lot.

Wait? Let me give you a hand.

Thanks, with pleasure.

It's not easy.

Oh… Sorry, sir. Please do go ahead.

Oh, I'm such an idiot!

It's Josépha, the announcer from FR3. "FR3, the right choice".

You're going to Hotel Méridien, I hope?

Yes, yes.

Be so nice, then, and drop this off there. Thank you.

Thank you.

Ah, you're expected.

I doubt it. I didn't even know I was coming.

A little birdie knew.

Dear Marie-Louise… what a pleasure to see you again!

Of course, but you hadn't come to meet me…

but this man here.

Marie-Louise always knows everything before anyone else.

You are Julien Picard, I presume?

- Yes, yes. - Jean La Pallière.

My friend, Jean.

President Stumph-Bachelier cabled to tell me about your arrival.

I am delighted to welcome you.

You seem a little overdressed.

I was coming from Scotland and I was so eager to meet you…

that I didn't have time to change.

Blue or green?

Careful, your birthstone must be ruby,

your number must be 14, your animal must be the monkey

so I'll be upfront: never wear green!

- Really? - Hey, Picard!

Hey, look at him! Already doing his shopping!

So the blue one?

The green one's okay…

If you really want trouble,

you're sure to find some here.

- Really? - Ah, ah…

Superstition is rife. You must be careful.

Let's take both.

Mr. Picard,

I'm sorry to trouble you upon your arrival,

but we must talk as soon as we can about my preservation firm.

Here we have the fish, but not the consumer, whereas in Europe,

you have the consumer but not the fish.

We need to act quickly, before the Russians and Japanese.

They are very interested in our fish.

We can easily imagine a creole bouillabaisse

but a Soviet bouillabaisse is unthinkable!

- Tell me? - Yes?

Purely from a technical point of view…

I'm already thinking of labels and marketing slogans,

where are we going to say the fish was caught?

Off the coast of Marseille!

Ah!

Here's your beachcomber card.

What's that?

It's a card that allows you to sleep at all the hotels of the group

it gives free access to the sport facilities.

Ah…

Yes, but maybe you're here for work. You may not have time to enjoy it.

Of course.

Oh, Marie-Louise… Come here, sorry.

Oh, oh! Picard!

The welcome drink is delicious! Come here!

- Gladly! - Give me five minutes.

I must explain the whole problem, then you can sleep on it.

Okay, let me leave you to it. See you later, Jean.

- Are you coming? We are going for a swim. - I'm working.

You're work… Oh…

Bouillabaisse is traditionally from Marseille.

Not at all. You can make bouillabaisse anywhere!

Even in Clermont-Ferrand.

Only there, they'd use tires instead of squid, right?

I'm not sure I follow.

In an era where they make steak with petroleum

and andouillette sausage with sawdust

I consider myself to be one of the last poets.

My bouillabaisse will only be made with fish

and that's so rare, that it should be very successful.

So it's up to you,

and Bachelier Computing to tell me

whether I should put a picture of the Old Port on the label, okay?

Tarzan in love.

Tarzan swallow water!

I hope I didn't keep you too long?

- Not at all. - After all,

you're here on vacation too, right? See you soon?

- See you soon. - See you soon!

- Are you not swimming anymore? - Oh, we're too tired.

We spent an hour taking a dip.

- Really? - Yeah.

Never mind, I'll go alone.

Oh fine… It's so nice, I'll come for another swim.

It must be a lot warmer than in Scotland, right?

Oh, dear God, Thérèse!

My wife thinks I'm in Scotland,

I must call her right away.

You'll connect with Paris shortly, sir.

Hello?

Mr. Picard, your friends are going for a boat ride.

If you go now, they are waiting for you.

Well yeah, but I asked to call Paris.

Oh, cancel it… I'll try again at dinner.

Sir, wait. This must be Paris.

Hello?

Hello, this is Mauritius.

Your wife is going to be surprised…

- Hello? Paris on the line, sir. - Thanks.

Hello? Hello?

My dear, I must apologize. I've been thinking and I'm an idiot.

I'm pleased you're in Scotland.

You needed some fresh air.

The climate of the North Sea will do you a world of good…

Yes… undoubtedly.

It's wonderful, I can hear the sea…

It's not the same one.

Not the same? Not the same what?

Not the same sea. It's not the North Sea.

- So where? - Don't be cross.

I'll explain. I'm in Mauritius.

Thérèse, you're going to yell again, but…

- Where? - Mauritius!

- Why are you there? - It's Stum… Stumph-Bachelier…

Well, he is a convenient scapegoat.

To think, I knitted you a scarf…

It's a long way.

Yes, I know it is.

It's thousands of kilometers away. And?

It's expensive.

Expensive? What's expensive?

The call.

The call?

You're feeling better then! I see that sir is back on form.

Sir takes a millionaire's vacation

and he finds it expensive to say something nice to his wife!

Thérèse… Thérèse! Thé…

Have a good evening, darling.

Did you sleep well?

Hello. I'm starting to forget about Scotland.

We're going on a boat trip. Want to join us?

Oh yes. Today is for sport and relaxing!

Okay, today we're taking a boat trip.

- We'll go diving. - Yes.

And look for a lost galleon inhabited by mermaids?

Hello, my dear Picard.

Um, Picard, do excuse me, but

I have lots of work today

and I can't care for you.

That's not a problem.

Miss Precy-Lamont

will be kind enough to be your guide.

This lady's specialism is mystery, not fish.

You couldn't have a better guide, Picard.

You are right, Picard,

you could have gone on the glass-bottomed boat

to see the domesticated moray eel or the various fish varieties:

the Dame Berry, the gilt-head bream, the Red Wrasse…

All the ones that'll be in your bouillabaisse.

But you're on an island that is full of mystery,

where Our Lady of Lourdes cohabits with indigenous Gods.

Is it not more interesting to discover these people

who climb ladders made of sharpened saber blades,

while praying to their own Gods, as well as to Saint Therese of the Child Jesus?

You'd get sore feet, on a normal ladder.

Well here, they climb 90 rungs of saber blades without getting cut.

I don't understand.

What does "understand" mean?

The stranger it is, the more I like it.

Let me show you strange, then.

What you're about to see is even stranger.

It's impossible, Julien, you won't understand,

and yet, you'll see.

It's an Indian sect, the Tamils.

Tamils people undertake mortifications of the flesh…

to absolve their sins.

That's not very wise.

You always defend reason and science,

but, when you think of psychic phenomena, of twisted spoons,

of stopped watches, of telepathy

and of the witchcraft you can find in the farthest-flung corners of the globe

is there really such a big difference?

Please. Please.

We are reunited here tonight,

to welcome our French friends, of course,

but also, and this is a big surprise,

to celebrate the growth of my business.

My dear Picard,

without awaiting the results of the promotional research and forecasts,

I've decided to sign with Stumph-Bachelier

on the deal you've come to offer me.

- Where's the admiral? Hey! - Sir!

- Bring me more of that. - I admire your trust.

What La Pallière hasn't told you,

is that he's giving us an exclusive first taste of his new product:

the creole bouillabaisse. So… let's sit down to eat.

Why Marie-Louise? Are you not having any bouillabaisse?

A sense of foreboding?

- No. A weak liver. - Ah…

Oh, it's… very local, isn't it?

This bouillabaisse is very strong.

Yum, the soup is tasty.

So, Picard? What do you think?

Gods have always feared the common denominator

of all people.

Black, white, yellow or red, the fear is there permanently.

- She's starting again… - Whether gods or demons.

Ah, demons… Everyone has their own.

Lucifer, Beelzebub, Astaroth, Satanachia…

The deal with the devil! Faust lost his soul to it.

And in The Tales of Hoffmann, man lost his shadow.

Did you know that the Chinese here are afraid we'll poison theirs?

Oh yeah? Well, Lucky Luke shoots faster than his!

Ha, he's funny!

Listen.

He's here.

What? What is it?

That little laugh. The little laugh of the island's spirit.

It's rare to hear it, but the house is haunted.

Furniture moves. Sometimes, stones come through the ceiling.

I'm not talking about noises, that's just creaking.

People say it's been haunted

since the battle at the port in 1810.

Two wounded men, one French, one English, were treated there

before they killed one another.

Sometimes we get funnier manifestations.

Demons and gods like to have a laugh.

The joking spirit exists.

In Mahebourg,

an old man is made fun of because

a ghost hits him nightly in bed.

Well, you see…

One must not joke about such matters!

One shouldn't offend the gods. They'll try to get revenge.

Ah, I… I'm stopping, I won!

I'm sto… pping, I lost.

Staff!

Come on… for the staff.

We're going to bed. We've come to say goodnight.

Already? Shame, we'd have liked to have your feminine presence.

Thanks, that's nice for me.

I'm staying. But only for 15 minutes.

Hey, the announcer

she's stuck-up.

She's a tease!

A pain in the ass!

No, Berger, you can be drunk, but not vulgar!

…for my baccalaureat.

Well, we were all lying down in a dormitory

and then I heard…

Hey, garçon, a dry Martini!

- My olives are dry! - Listen to me, for God's sake!

Listen! The voices came nearer my bed, and

- I heard the voice of my… - Oh! Must pee.

- grandmother… - Are you coming with me?

Excuse us…

Oh! Sorry, ma'am.

- Here. - Oh yeah.

Oh, dash it…

Oh! Ah…

Ah, I say, it's not…

it's not like Scottish drizzle here.

Where am I?

I must really be drunk to not be able to see myself in the mirror!

Oh my…

I've never seen a mirror where you can't see yourself.

I'm invisible.

Oh my…

I need to call Berger.

Put me through to Mr. Berger's room, please.

Picard? What's up?

What? Oh!

A little intoxication never hurt anyone, did it?

So?

Well, I'm fine. And you?

What's worrying you? Got the blues?

Metaphysical anxiety.

There, there! That's it. Good night.

What am I holding on to?

Oh, Picard? A slight headache, that's all.

I think I burnt my face in the sun,

I think I must be very red.

What do you mean, you think? Are you red or not?

Yeah. See you shortly.

Do you have telegram forms, please?

- Here. - Thanks.

I want Paris, right away please.

Hello?

Sir, sir! You forgot your pen!

In we go!

He's staying under water a long time, no?

He's…

- What's up? - It's your friend.

- He almost drowned. - What?

What's wrong?

I don't get it. 10 years of crawl

and suddenly, I'm like a lead balloon.

I don't know how to swim anymore. I don't know how to swim anymore…

I don't even dare to go for a dip.

I can't stay in the sun any longer.

You're most agreeable companions!

Hey, tourists, what the hell are you doing?

Are you coming in?

The water is incredible!

You shouldn't have drunk so much.

Since you're all here, let me take a picture.

Yeah, yeah, a photo! Christiane, come let's take our picture.

- Super, I'm coming. - There.

Picard, Berger! Come join us!

- Hurry up! - Quickly!

The family portrait.

Come on… You're in great shape, aren't you?

Get a move on.

- Move closer together. - Come on.

A little closer. There.

Don't move.

- Can I see it? - One second.

It's not very good.

- Oh, no… - After all that.

- Shall we go back in? - I don't want to now.

Let's go on the paddle boat.

Good idea.

Can I see the photo?

You're not in it, either of you.

How so, not in it?

You don't appear in the picture.

I want to see it.

Marie-Louise, are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

How is it possible?

It's not possible, but it's happened. So it's possible.

It's not possible.

I told you about the supernatural.

You'll have to accept it, to live with it.

I saw you last night, you know. You've upset a god.

How do you mean "upset a god"?

You peed on a god.

More like a bar pillar.

Oh, after that,

the gods got angry.

The thunder, the lightning…

Oh, those are just disruptions in the earth's magnetic fields,

which coincided with solar flares or an aurora, that's all.

Julien… the definitions of the Webster dictionary will not suffice.

That's terrible…

My poor Berger…

How will such a simple spirit react?

Um… Listen, Picard,

please.

I won those competitions,

- so I must… - Hear that?

- What? - Berger!

He's there and I can hear him.

I can hear you, Picard.

- What are you saying? - Pedal and shut up.

What? No, no, that wasn't directed at you. Picard, carry on.

You're communicating using telepathy.

You're both antenna and radio.

You need to perfect reception.

Really?

Berger? Talk to me.

Okay, well, Paul died two months after the death of his dear Virginie,

whose name he kept repeating.

Eight days after the death of her son, Marguerite saw the end of her life

approach with virtuous joy…

I've not found the low and high notes

but the volume's right.

I've read Paul and Virginie. I thought it was sad.

Shut up and pedal.

You've had a spell cast on you.

You must face the facts: in the countryside, in France,

people cast spells.

In the Berry, for example,

they can stop cows from calving

and make men lose their virility.

It's called impotence caused by maleficium,

but you must know the expression? So I'm sure you can imagine

what can happen here?

- Will it last for long? - Ah…

What can we do?

Still too early to say.

Anyway, you need to ask for forgiveness.

Ask who for forgiveness?

The gods, of course! Well, we can try.

- What about me? - Oh hey, hey, hey…

So, shall we try?

What if it doesn't work?

I'm going back to Paris.

Once we're 10,000 kilometers away this foolishness will come to an end.

Yeah, I mean surely you can' bewitch someone

who is 10,000 kilometers away.

- No… - No.

So, shall we try?

We can do, but I think it's stupid.

We're sorry.

Hello? Dr. Liebenstein?

Strange things are happening to me.

Don't be worried, my dear Picard.

The first symptoms are promising.

Levitation, telepathy, telekinesis,

a disappearing reflection… Bravo.

Don't create your own double yet though, you haven't started flying!

You're undergoing it, you're not in control of anything!

However, the fact that cosmic powers have chosen

one of my patients to manifest themselves really moves me.

Fine, Doctor, but

shaving is a pain without a reflection.

I hope these won't be the only phenomena you experience.

Well… Goodbye, Doctor.

We're no further ahead.

He's not very serious.

"I hope these won't be the only phenomena you experience."

If it gets worse, best go back to France.

THE TIME OF WIZARDS

Hey, Picard.

Hello Josépha,

- Mr. La Pallière, hi. - Hello.

Very well. So, Picard, you're about to leave?

- Yes. - Come and sign the contract.

It's ready. If you'd like to come this way.

There. You just need to sign it.

Ah, I forgot. You must call Mr. Stumph back in Paris.

- Now? - Yes, we have plenty of time.

I… I think he's delighted with our agreement. Delighted!

The phone is there, in the little office.

- Thanks. - There.

Hello? Hello?

Hello, Francine? It's Picard.

Ah, Mr. Picard, how are you?

Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. President.

Yes, I'll put him on now.

Ah, my dear Picard. Well done!

It's nothing. I'm just doing my…

duty.

I'm very, very proud of you. And I even envisage, in the future…

- Good God! - Sorry?

I didn't mean you. Not you, Mr President!

I was saying, that I envisage, for the future,

a substantial raise.

Oh no!

Did you reach Stumph?

I'm very sorry.

It doesn't matter.

I got cut off.

Paris on the line. Mr. Stumph-Bachelier

for Mr. Picard.

Sorry.

Michel, please sweep up.

We got cut off, Mr. President,

but all is well.

Yes, well done Picard, but be wary nonetheless,

we don't know this Mr. La Pallière very well.

Take financial precautions.

Get the bank to review his situation. Ask…

Don't worry, Mr. Pre…

President.

Well, I trust you with this.

Oh, shit…

The bastard…

What is it, Picard?

No! Not… you! Mr… Mr. President!

Mr. Presi…dent.

No!

Um… did you shout?

Sorry, but… in my haste to read the contract,

I… I knocked over the glass.

Yes, the impatience to sign it. That's right.

Listen, dear friend, this is very awkward!

Your plane goes in two hours. My secretary isn't here.

I'll type it up again.

- Really? You don't mind? - No.

Oh… No problem then. The typewriter is there.

- Thank you. - There.

Mr. Stumph-Bachelier is on the line for Mr. Picard.

He said right now.

Problems, Picard?

Rest assured Mr. President: all is well.

All is going very well.

Very well.

Oh, the disgusting pig…

What?

Shit!

What's going on?

The bastard groped me.

I swear, sir, that…

Mr. Stumph-Bachelier is on the phone.

- Sorry. - No, no, no.

Let me go.

- Bastard… - Thanks, Michel.

No! No, no… I'd rather Picard explain to you.

Good bye! Good bye, Mr. Stumph.

I talked with Mr. Stumph.

Have a good trip.

And a safe return home, Mr. Picard.

What shit weather!

What?

- Oh, it's English. - Ah…

Some people are lucky in life.

What are you talking about?

About those who get to sunbathe, while others roll in the mud.

Sunshine, palm trees…

Ah, France.

- Hello, it's me! - Already?

Hello, my dear. I've brought you back a nice shell.

You weren't due till the weekend.

Didn't you like it there?

I cut it short.

Were you sick of drinking, dancing and all that jazz?

All what jazz?

This.

"An ace fifty year old for a charming announcer."

Who is this person?

Don't feign surprise, please.

I swear, dear…

This young lady is a presenter on TV 3.

Everyone in France knows her. You better than most, it would seem.

There she is! In my home, to boot!

Miss Precy-Lamont,

you were talking to us about the 19th century, a time of conquest.

Yes, Josépha.

A century of conquest, but with what aim?

Statues, temples, totems and effigies were burnt,

but deep in the forests

or in our slums,

the gods are still there. Watching us.

Julien! Mom's vase, you klutz!

Berger… It's starting again.

A Buddhist temple is worth all the cathedrals of the world.

Thanks, Miss Precy-Lamont.

Can you hear me, Berger?

Yes, unfortunately.

No, it's nothing. It'll pass, we just need to wait…

Have you seen? It's a full moon.

What did you say?

I said: "It's a full moon."

Leave me alone, I need to get up!

Oh, you're still sleeping…

You snored a lot last night…

Ah, that's prickly!

"That prickle, that prickles…" Of course I prickle!

- It prickles a lot. - Oh…

You can leave it on.

What's the matter with you…

- Mr… - Mrs. Picard, I presume?

Um… Um, I'm a friend. Julien's very good friend.

I'll say you're here but he's in…

The bathroom? Yes, I'm expected.

Is that you, my friend?

- Yes, my friend! - Come here!

Come to the bathroom.

Berger, my poor friend…

My poor Picard! How's it been going for you?

Like this.

And you?

Me it's…

My poor Picard…

How did it happen?

As I was brushing my teeth last night.

I want to know what you two are up to?

Why have you locked yourself in

with a man whose name you don't know?

My… my friend, Berger, my wife, Thérèse.

Ah, that's better.

Welcome, sir. Tea or coffee?

All my respects, ma'am.

Some tea with a drop of milk, like the English take it.

Your friend is charming.

Stumph-Bachelier called. He wants to see you once you're dry.

I told him you were having a bath with your friend.

- Oh no… - Ah… Picard!

Regards, Mr. President.

No digressions, Picard, no pretexts!

You had one task and you failed!

La Pallière didn't go into any detail on the phone,

but he's called off the deal!

It wasn't interesting business, sir.

What happened with the creole bouillabaisse?

It went sour. It doesn't keep.

La Pallière sent me an explanatory letter.

What have you got to say for yourself?

Nothing, Mr. President.

May I sir? I brought you back a shell.

Obviously, it's nothing fancy but… but you can hear the sea.

Thanks, Picard. Let's talk about it.

Of the sea.

It's very beautiful.

Maybe, but it needs to make us money.

Give me the conclusion of your report on the La Pallière business.

The report isn't ready.

Certain events…

Events can be predicted, Picard.

Events can be dominated!

What evil genie has eroded your brain, Picard?

Oh, I'd forgotten about the peas,

I'll never forget the creole bouillabaisse!

It's not funny, Picard.

No, Mr. President.

Picard.

Yes, Mr. President?

Picard! Look at me!

Of course, Mr. President.

Picard. I don't expect enthusiasm.

But I do expect a minimum of civility.

Tomorrow I'm being made knight of the Legion of Honor.

Well-deserved, Director,

but I thought you already had it and just didn't wear

the insignia, to be modest.

Well… Naturally, there will be a dinner at Maxim's,

but before that, there will be drinks for staff at the canteen.

Come at six with Mrs. Picard.

I'd be delighted to.

Hello? Dr. Liebenstein? It's Picard.

It's getting worse, Doctor.

Yes, I'll wait for you at a friend's. 17 Tour-de-Vanves street.

No, no. You can count on his discretion,

he's affected by it too. Yes.

Are you coming or going?

I'm not here to joke, sir.

Berger, quick, quick!

What? What's the matter?

Horrors!

Relax. I'm coming.

He's in a telephone box. He's scared of flying away.

Flying away? It's starting to get interesting.

We need to do something!

Yes, yes, yes…

He's been in there for over half an hour.

When you want to chat, you make calls at home, sir.

Yes, evidently, because…

Oh… he's off again. He's really taking the piss.

- Let me through, I'm a doctor! - And?

Police doctor!

- Are you feeling better? - No.

Aren't we doing well?

Luckily there was the roof? Otherwise, can you imagine?

We're only safe in apartments.

Like silk worms in their cocoons.

It's like too much oxygen transmutes us.

I don't even dare to leave to buy cigarettes.

Yeah, yeah. We're only safe when we're together.

And that's just provisional.

Maybe you'll try to suck my blood one day?

And I, the other night,

I dreamt you were dragging me by the feet.

Was it even a dream?

I didn't leave my house.

- That's for me. - I doubt it.

I came as soon as I could, but I have a thousand duties.

What's she here for?

Ah, excellent. You brought him here.

Good day, ma'am. Did you have a good return trip?

Let's not lose time with twaddle. So?

We're in the same boat.

No, I know that. But what is good for one

is not necessarily good for the other. So?

This time it's for me.

I think you should beg forgiveness on your knees, Berger.

The gods are angry.

What gods?

That's what we need to determine.

Follow me, Professor.

I asked my friend, Professor Liebenstein, to come.

Charlatan.

Miss Precy-Lamont.

Pythia.

Do you still waffle on at the Palais de la Découverte?

Do you still have a stand at the Trône funfair?

Very funny.

Now that we've broken the ice…

Manifestations which are typically Jupiter-like.

A commonplace phenomenon.

Picard, Picard, Picard… You can surely do better!

Yeah.

Your turn, Berger. Why don't you irritate the powers?

Can't we do that at his place?

Oh no…

Very well. Let's be theoretical about it.

When one has the luck to be chosen to experience the unthinkable,

one doesn't fall back on home remedies…

Julien Picard,

do you realize that your existence

will combine with all those that ensure the powers of the universe,

that you are going to shine,

and determine the fate of men well beyond the year 2000?

Picard, Picard, Picard, you're a part of history.

Let's be rational for a second,

these gentlemen pissed on a totem,

not on a flying saucer.

Berger! Come on!

Okay.

Picard!

- Let's not reply. - You are right,

the fight between science and obscurantism would not be on a level playing field.

Come, Picard.

Good bye, Mandrake.

Farewell, Esmeralda. Picard… Picard…

My poor friend…

In view of this challenge to common sense, nothing but a blood sacrifice will do.

I didn't want to show you in front of that iconoclast.

It's a volume from the 15th century.

The Best Methods To Break a Spell.

After the pyre, which was, of course, the most common method…

You see, everything always boils down to sacrifice.

But you don't really want me to kill…

What? A man? No.

Yet…

Abraham almost sacrificed his child…

No.

"To appease the wrath of the gods"

- "In the absence of a newborn… - Yes, in the absence of, yes.

"one must offer the gods a bleating lamb two white partridges or a baby rabbit."

How am I going to kill… an animal, me?

Thérèse… I need to speak to you.

Hurry up, or we'll be late!

Sorry, but I have other concerns

than Tissaigre's Legion of Honor.

Listen, Thérèse.

Ah, Julien, stop the washing machine!

The hair dryer is short circuiting.

- Berger, I need to see you… - Are you okay, Dad?

Berger, can you hear me?

Picard? yes, yes I can hear you well.

Things aren't going well. How about you?

For me… It's going okay, for the time being. Yeah, okay.

- The rabbit is yours! - Hang up, I'll call you back.

Fetch. Fetch, loyal dog.

Hello, Picard? Can you hear me?

I'm busy, Berger.

Hello, Picard? Picard? Pi…

Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen

let me first say

that it isn't without emotion that I find myself here today.

Am I worthy of such an honor?

Is this award not a bit excessive?

Phony.

When I think of the shining merit of some of the members of this assembly…

Brown-noser.

This award can only be taken as incentive towards perfection,

of which, you are, Mr. President… What had I found to say about Stumph?

- The image. - What if instead of image

- I said… - Social climber. Cuckold.

the incarnation! The incarnation…

We'll have to warn the janitor.

If only it were just the janitor…

You could have let me go first, Julien.

Director,

Oh… Director, let me… congratulate you.

Thanks, dear Picard.

I say, Eugène!

Julien.

Listen? What's wrong?

Julien, I'm calling an ambulance.

An ambulance?

No… Mr. Director!

- Director! - Oh!

Director!

What?

This news is awful, Picard.

I was meant to honor him tonight and hunt with him tomorrow…

I have a three-page speech.

Do you know the cause of death?

Me? Not at all, Mr. President.

I congratulated him, he fell over.

Yes, Mr. President.

- Thérèse… - Yes?

I really do need to speak to you.

Poor Tissaigre, I wonder what happened to him?

I'm going to explain.

How would you know?

That's precisely what I want to explain.

Hold on, I must call Mom. We're eating with her tomorrow.

Don't bother. She's at cousin Léopold's,

he sprained his ankle while repairing the bathroom pipes

and he fell off his stepladder.

Fine. I'll call Léopold then.

Do you not want to ask how I know?

Hello? Léopold? My poor Léopold,

did you stupidly sprain your ankle?

Has he not asked how… how you know?

Shut up, I can't hear, Go cook me an egg, I'm starving…

No Léopold, I was talking to Julien.

Oh, shit…

How nasty!

Nothing serious, he'll be back on his feet tomorrow.

Are you not impressed? The eggs, the gas, the compote dish…

You've cooked for once…

Thérèse, do you not realize I'm not my normal self?

You're not plotting another little trip by any chance?

I only travel into the unknown now.

You do look a bit peaky. Look at yourself in the mirror.

That's just it. I can't anymore.

It can't be that bad.

What's going on?

- Who, her? - Yes.

I'm the new au pair, sir.

But you don't have an accent?

- She's from Brittany. - From Bigouden.

Oh really?

- Pass me your clarinet. - But you can't play it!

So pass me your clarinet, I said!

Oh… I don't believe it!

He's good, isn't he?

Well I never…

Dad?

Yes.

Thierry has made a lot of progress recently.

Listen.

Shit…

It's starting again.

Shut up, I'm tired…

Oh, Julien, move your hand.

No, Julien, move your hand!

No! Julien… Julien!

In the name of God, in the name of God…

I ask you for forgiveness…

Are you being formal with me now?

What a night… What a night!

Julien… Julien, you're a monster!

An all-nighter, I thought those days were over.

It reminds me of being 20 again, Julien.

Julien?

Julien?

Julien?

Mais…

Stop shouting!

Ah… Ah, of my God!

Oh, please… Leave God out of this,

I'll fall flat on my face again.

Darling!

It doesn't seem real, I know.

Oh, how did it happen?

Pissing on a totem!

That's typical. What's a totem?

Wait, you'll understand.

Julien, you are crazy. Wait, I'll call Mom!

A supernatural force.

Hello, Mom? Julien will be coming for lunch.

No, Julien won't be coming.

Telepathy.

He says it's a pain in the ass.

Telepathy.

He says he's sick of your simpering.

And he thinks your food is gross.

Oh, sorry Mom. Don't get angry, I'll explain.

Julien! Julien…

Ah, you're here! I got the right floor, then.

You know Berger?

Of course. Hello sir.

Hello ma'am.

You could have warned me that we were expecting guests.

I didn't know.

Neither did I…

Excuse me, can I take a shower?

No, later, Dominique, later.

Hello, miss.

Hello. Oh, what a pretty dog.

Yes, he's cute…

Yes. Um, is sir not here?

Um… no, no, he's not here.

I am here! Leave and close the door!

Excuse-moi.

We are both bewitched…

You've made progress.

Do you understand?

What if Marie-Louise was right?

Maybe the remedy is that we eat my rabbit!

Do you understand now?

Do you understand why I cooked cabbage this morning? Yes?

Oh no… Oh no, no!

Bewitched, okay! Possessed and all that, I don't mind!

But a rabbit, for me, is a rabbit! And me, I shot a rabbit!

You tell them, it was a rabbit.

I tell you, it was a rabbit

It was a rabbit, it was a rabbit…

Picard… Did you hear that?

Yeah.

The little laugh.

Yes, it's yours! They are yours, whatever, as you wish.

Marie-Louise said an animal killed by me. Well, one or two.

She also said I needed an innocent hand for immolation.

A priestess for the offering.

I thought I'd ask Mrs. Picard.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going for lunch at Mom's.

Ah… Maybe the young girl who was here earlier

could do it instead of you.

Where is she?

The priestess. She's vacuuming in the lounge.

Thanks Mrs. Picard.

- Julien… - Yes, darling?

You better go too, he might sacrifice the priestess.

Light the sacred fire.

- Light the candles then. - Berger, this is stupid.

Fine…

Holy cow!

- Oh yeah. - Is there a trick?

- Oh no. - Picard, the other candle.

Right.

"The priestess will be the vehicle of healing."

"She will have to dance before the sacred fire… naked."

- No. - No.

Well, in a long dress then.

A nightgown will do fine.

I sleep naked

Picard, a nightgown?

Well, if it amuses you.

Thierry, be quick. We're eating at grandma's.

I'm being quick, Mom.

While I'm here, avoid your Dad for a while.

He's being a bit nuts. Who knows, it may be contagious.

Sorry.

In terms of prayers, I only know Our Father…

You're mixing everything up. It's no use, anyway.

Have you not finished playacting?

Move! You're stopping the nightgown getting past!

What on earth is all this?

How's it going to make us look?

With local businesses and neighbors.

Not to mention the janitor.

Ma'am, in some circumstances

the Almighty's esteem is better than the concierge's.

Yes, but I'm warning you Julien

if you walk on the ceiling again tonight,

I'll call the doctor. I'll get him to come.

Coming, Thierry?

Coming, Mom!

The gods no longer have the respect they deserve.

Berger, let's not rely on appearances, let's look at the facts!

What did I do this morning? I cooked cabbage.

What did you do? You brought partridges.

- Through a wall. - Hypnosis!

- And you, on the ceiling? - Same!

I'm only retaining the idea of cabbage and that of partridge

so I say: let's eat partridge with cabbage!

Nonsense!

Magic.

- Come with me, Berger. - Ralph!

Thank you. Now you can go take your shower.

Thanks, sir.

Is that hypnosis?

It's always best to cook cabbage in two pans of water

especially if it's not a young spring cabbage.

And this?

Please.

React, Berger, a splash of white wine.

Yes.

Perfect.

- We must have offended the gods, Picard… - No, no…

- Are you nervous Picard? - No…

A simple phenomenon of electromagnetic radiation. Easy to master.

It's a matter of willpower!

Thanks, Picard.

Thanks for trying.

Ah, that poor Tissaigre… Your director and friend.

Who now rests in peace, above you.

I'd forgotten that idiot.

- Sorry? - Nothing, Mr. President.

The emotion. That poor Tissaigre…

Mr. Picard… Oh, sorry.

Could you rub my back? I can't do it myself.

It's… it's the au pair.

She's from Brittany.

Let's go upstairs to reflect.

- Dominique… - No?

Tissaigre! Stop being zealous for once!

Come, come…

It's not worth getting in a state,

since I am here.

I know very well, it's just a soap opera, Eugène, but…

whenever I watch it

I can't help crying!

Oh, how nice of you.

- Tissaigre… - Mr. President?

You're really shy, aren't you?

Yes.

You'll have to explain to me how you do it.

There's a trick.

If only we knew how it worked…

One time it works, one time it doesn't.

Oh no!

What, "Oh no"?

Oh no…

Where's it going?

Nothing.

I won't go so far as to say that I regret coming out for nothing,

but he could have warned me.

Oh no…

Picard!

Picard…

You were the one that warned me about poor Tissaigre being struck down!

I thought it was the right thing to do.

Picard!

I won't say I came out for nothing,

but death is serious!

Has the fun stopped? Oh, sorry.

Shame, we were having a good time.

It's… it's the young girl…

I know! She's a Breton.

Picard, either a miracle has happened or you lied!

Either that or there was no fact check…

and coming from a professional…

a professional in IT, you'll admit that…

I'm very disappointed, my dear Picard.

I'm very disappointed my… little Pi…card.

Mr. President, this is my friend Berger.

Picard!

Picard!

I want to see you in my office at 10 o'clock tomorrow!

So?

10 o'clock!

Oh dear…

Stop whining…

You're endowed with primitive powers

which you'll have to try and tame.

Yes, but Stumph-Bachelier, who also has powers

is going to fire me!

Don't panic, my dear Julien,

this is just a matter of breathwork.

- Really? - Yes, of course!

Let's revert back to good old mechanical ways.

Instead of being subject to our impulses, we are going to dominate them.

Come on, stand!

I'm sure you're breathing too quickly. Breathe with me.

Pause.

Think of nothing.

And let it out!

I've been trying that!.

Please make an effort!

When is your torturer expecting you?

Mr. Stumph-Bachelier reminds Mr. Picard that he's expecting him

in his office at 10 o'clock on the dot.

Fine… Power against power.

Fate against fate.

Do me a favor and focus on that clock!

Let's focus now.

We don't want it to be 10 o'clock.

What are we doing?

- What are we doing Julien? - We're rewinding time.

It's working.

Permanent leave would cost me a fortune…

Mexico on line one, New York on line two.

What time?

9:40 a.m., Mr. President.

If only I could stick that fat pig to the ceiling.

No, Julien. Don't exaggerate.

You may have the gifts of a medium and the strength of a guru, but…

you're not ready.

- Oh no? - No!

Only purity, asceticism, the search for good,

give power to masters, don't forget that.

You've got a long road to go before being able to affirm yourself.

In the meantime, concentration is your weapon.

Come on, concentrate!

Well done!

Right. Very good!

The Picard case is closed. He's going down by three levels.

I'm going to assign him to equipment maintenance. What's the time?

9.30 a.m., Mr. President.

Mexico on line one, New York on line two.

Tokyo on line three.

Put the speaking clock on.

At the third stroke, the time will be

10 o'clock and zero minutes…

You wanted to see me, Mr. President?

Mr. Picard!

- Yes? - My…

Picard… Sit down, please.

Mr. Picard!

After outrages that I would describe as unforgivable…

I am resolutely decided

to not stay a single minute longer in this stuffy, disgusting office

where I've been bored out of my mind for half a century,

and have to do the same tasks eight hours a day

surrounded by the same idiots,

who always reel off the same twaddle to me…

Let's go for a walk in the woods.

Are you coming, my little Picard?

We'll be more at ease to talk this over.

After you, Mr. President, please.

My little Picard…

No idea what you've done

to your entourage lately,

but beware.

I've got my eye on you!

What am I doing here?

Francine! Leave me a memo:

I'm firing him, however much it may cost!

What?

Picard, I'm not judging your capacities for the first time.

And I'm surprised that my close collaborators, those idiots,

didn't see fit to expand your field.

- Mr. President… - No, Tissaigre.

Three levels down, material maintenance. Shut up!

I've always thought you were worth more

than the position you are currently in.

The house needs someone competent like you

so I'm going to give you the position of that ass Mr. Tissaigre…

as of today.

With a salary of 16,000 francs a month, Mr. President.

Oh yes, my Picard,

with a salary of 16,000 francs a month.

Francine, did you hear Mr. President?

Send a message round to all department heads,

- Yes. - All of them…

Yes, Director.

Shall we go to the woods, Mr. President?

You say it so elegantly, my dear Picard…

Excuse me.

I may as well tell you, Picard,

that to be in my role,

you need to be a serious bastard.

I'm sure there are exceptions, Mr. President.

None!

When morons come to tell you that I started from nothing,

that I owe my fortune to a single job, I want to laugh…

If it were just work, we'd be worthless.

You should know a bit about it!

You go all out, all year long

like millions of other assholes

who will never be able to afford a shack in Pantin or in Villejuif,

while we're just a pile of trash…

piling up millions that we don't know what to do with.

Do you want candy?

No thanks, Mr. President.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

- Hello, ma'am. - Mr. President!

Oh Julien, really!

No, no, leave it, ma'am!

- Just leave it please! - Oh, let me. Let me…

When you're lucky enough to have a partner like your husband,

you're very happy.

Oh, Mr. President.

Ah, you know one another…

- Mrs. Tissaigre, sir… - Yes.

Of course, of course…

Why on earth are in you in mourning?

Your bastard's not dead.

This way, Mr. President.

I'll come and see you after lunch.

Yes… Goodbye.

Are you peeling the potatoes?

Leave it to me, ma'am, I enjoy it…

…the President…

If Mr. President says,

he enjoys it…

You know, my dear,

when you have to put up with a cloche

at fancy restaurants every day,

it's nice to be in a family setting again.

Not to mention that when you don't use your hands

- you get bored! - Right!

Fine, I'll go set the table then.

Carry on, Mr. President, I'll be right back.

Carry on…

Are you mad?

Mad or not, I'm now on 16,000 francs a month.

16,000 francs?

16,000 francs and that's just a start.

How do you want your steak?

Rare, Mr. President!

There. That's very good.

Don't forget he's your minion and don't be in a mood about it.

Sorry, Julien, but I'm not really used to

a president at my stove!

Hello… That's hot.

Lala… That's good.

Children, eat while it's still hot!

I'm embarrassed, Mr. President.

I've never been this relaxed. It reminds me of the good old times.

After the war, all the hassle…

Did I do right to add herbs? It gives it flavor.

Impressive sir, impressive.

You see, ma'am,

to start off, I earned money honestly.

With the Germans.

Did I over-salt the fries?

Not at all, not at all.

As for the Liberation, I'm sorry…

All because of a moron! "I know everything."

He was shouting it all everywhere!

"Stumph is a traitor! Stumph is a bad apple!"

"He was the one who built the Atlantic Wall!"

Are you not eating, Picard?

I'm not very hungry, Mr. President.

Are you not well, darling? You're very pale.

I'm fine, I'm fine…

- Carry on, sir. - Well,

it shows how insincere people can be.

I didn't build the wall.

No way…

I painted it! Yes, ma'am, I painted it!

Painted and repainted for over three years!

And not just the Atlantic Wall.

All the walls of all the commanders' headquarters.

Why did those morons believe me?

Leave it… Leave it, Thérèse. Mr. President will clear the table.

Yes, leave it little lady.

Anyway, it all ended well and I'm here.

Julien, stop it…

What would you prefer, Limoges or Lunéville?

What would you prefer, ma'am?

Limoges…

or Lunéville…

Julien!

It's you! It's you…

I was passing and I thought I'd come for a coffee"

One sugar or two?

Julien!

Julien, Julien… Julien…

Come on…

Julien… Oh, Julien…

It's nothing.

Picard! Mrs. Picard!

I insist that you tell me why I am in your house!

If you've kidnapped me, you won't get a penny!

You were right, dear. He is an idiot.

Mrs. Picard!

May I call you Thérèse?

You were so cute, so pretty, so chubby…

yesterday morning, naked in your bed…

You pig!

I'm sorry.

Instead of making him say gibberish, get him to call the office,

so that they prepare the Picard contract and have him sign it before this evening.

Can I make a call?

Yes, in the back bedroom.

Hello, Fitz? This is Stumph. Prepare the Picard contract.

Yes, the Picard contract!

I want it to be ready to sign by tonight.

Done. I've even sent him off to sign it.

Julien, get up! Julien, wake up!

Ah, Berger…

I don't know what happened, but as a result of doing telepathy

I must have run low on battery.

Recharge and get gone. The president just left

and your contract isn't signed yet.

What?

Come with me Berger! If I break down, you can take the reins.

- Where's your office? - Porte de Bagnolet.

I'm careful, but fasten your seatbelt nonetheless.

You should never have let him go.

Yes, but it all went so fast.

We've gone beyond Porte de Bagnolet.

I must have missed the exit.

We should enquire.

Which way is Porte de Bagnolet, please?

For Porte de Bagnolet, third junction on the right.

Thanks!

Third junction on the right.

No he said fourth.

No, third.

I say fourth. Ask him again!

Okay, but third.

Which way for Porte de Bagnolet, please?

Third or fourth junction?

When you see the sea, third on the right.

Truck drivers are super nice.

I say!

That's not allowed!

Yes.

It's not allowed.

Yes, you just have to think it.

You'll think about it at the police station, then.

They only need to think it.

To think?

Why don't you think now?

A FEW FULL MOONS LATER…

THE SUPERNATURAL IN EVERYDAY LIFE STUMPH-BACHELIER EDITIONS

Mr. Stumph-Bachelier,

Picard et Berger are no longer bewitched

but when they were under the influence of witchcraft,

you had some problems, didn't you?

Of course. Not everything was rosy between us.

They occasionally gave me trouble.

Isn't that right, Julien?

Now, everything is back to normal.

We had a good laugh, didn't we?

For years, I knew that young man had

qualities which not everyone in the street has.

I'm not sure that's true.

So by sending Julien Picard to the Indian Ocean,

you had planned it all?

Everything.

Aside from certain blunders?

Julien is wise once again. He remains the guiding light

the prophet of Bachelier Computing.

Whose department manager you are.

Get this crazy person out.

Not crazy. Lucid.

Picard and Berger have written the Bible of the 21st century!

The Koran of the galaxies!

The devil's bestseller,

picked up and edited by Bachelier Computing!

She's a pain in the ass.

It is normal too, that having yielded to temptation,

and evil, Picard and Berger have fallen back into everyday mediocrity.

Go on Dad. Go on!

Those two unfortunate men have become the playthings of greed

and merchandising!

It's natural… that they've lost their powers.

It's natural that they've lost their powers.

It's natural that they've lost their po…wers.

Well done, Dad.

Subtitle translation by: Ginger Clark