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Welcome.

Welcome to Have I
Got News For You.

I'm Roy Wood, Jr. In
the news this week,

this is how it starts.

There are two
people who have died.

A tourist has a confusing
experience at Madame Tussaud's

Wax Museum.

Are these people real?

Are they alive?

And can they write an email?

White women get the pep talk
they need it to thrive in '25.

To not give up,
to not look down,

to not end up in
the Container Store,

like I did for three
weekends in a row.

On Amber's team tonight, you
know him from Kids in the Hall,

Fargo, and News Radio.

Fun fact-- he was the one who
first said to Joe Rogan, hey,

you ever heard of these
things called podcasts?

It's Dave Foley.

And joining Michael, she's the
representative from Texas's 30th

Congressional District.

And if she's got good posture,
that's because lately, she's

the only Democrat with a spine.

It's Congresswoman
Jasmine Crockett.

All right, let's get to the
biggest stories of the week.

Amber and Dave,
I'll start with you.

I'm going to show you a clip
package referencing a major news

event from this week.

You look at the package.

Tell me, what is the story?

Helicopters,
where aren't they?

That's a Russian flag.
That's--

- And that's Ukraine.
- a Ukrainian flag.

There's a contract--

And no, no, no, no.

There was a deal
that was going

to be signed between the
United States and the Ukraine.

They're calling it a deal.

It was more of like an extortion
to sign over the rare

earth minerals.

- Vibranium.
- Yeah.

Yes.

You had points
right up to vibranium.

Yes, that is the story.

Mr. Zelenskyy, the old
Ukrainian President,

came to Washington to nail out
a deal over rare earth minerals.

And then it went
completely off the rails.

Question off the top--

how did Trump greet the
Ukrainian President, who is,

as of right now
still, America's ally?

A chest bump?

It's not impossible.

It's not.
It's not.

Trump greeted
President Zelenskyy

with a customary
American nagging.

You're all dressed up.

- .
- clothes.

- How are you, Mr. President?
- .

He's all dressed up today.

Bitch, my country is at war.

Oh, what?

I need to be
dressed in war shit.

I can't go--

Traditionally, diplomatic
attire requires a tie that

covers your balls.

You want me to be tough?

I can be tougher than any
human being you've ever seen.

I'd be so tough.

You're right.

His tie is covering his balls.

And may I say, did you
not find that comforting?

If Trump is bad cop, who
was in there playing good cop?

There wasn't one.

It was Vice President JD
Vance, who rolled out the Ohio

hospitality like this.

For four years of the
United States of America,

we had a president who stood
up at press conferences

and talked tough
about Vladimir Putin.

And then Putin invaded
Ukraine and destroyed

a significant chunk
of the country.

What makes America a good
country is America engaging

in diplomacy.

That's what President
Trump is doing.

Vance said what he had to say.

Then Zelenskyy hit him with
the old, well, actually.

Can I ask you?

- Sure.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

OK.

So he occupied our parts,
big parts of Ukraine,

part of East and Crimea.

So he occupied it on 2014.

Those time was Obama, then
President Obama, then President

Trump, then President Biden,
now the President Trump.

And God bless, now President
Trump will stop him.

But during 2014,
nobody stopped him.

He just occupied and took.

He killed people.

You know what?

Ooh.

Facts are rude.

Well, sometimes you got to
Ukraine 'splain shit to people.

He came in, laid it out, and
tied them up in their own words

in his fourth language.

That is how easy it is.

Yeah.

Zelenskyy said
what he had to say.

Here was Vance in response.

With respect, I think
it's disrespectful for you

to come into the Oval Office and
try to litigate this in front

of the American media.

Right now, you guys are going
around and forcing conscripts

to the front lines because
you have manpower problems.

You should be thanking the
president for trying to bring

an end to this conflict.

Oh, thank you for letting
your dog shit in my yard.

Thank you.

Now, JD told Zelenskyy,
you should be thanking me.

Now, how you think old
Zelenskyy responded to that?

I'm pretty sure he realized
the error of his ways.

Here, take 80% of
our natural wealth.

Exactly.

Zelenskyy clapped
back with this.

Have you ever been to Ukraine
that you say what problems

we have?

Have you ever
been there before?

Have you been to Ukraine?

To which JD Vance said--

I've actually watched
and seen the stories.

And I know that what
happens is you bring people,

you bring them on a propaganda
tour, Mr. President.

If you watch it,
you've been there.

I watched Star Wars, man, I've
been to the Dagobah system.

I've been to Tatooine.

I've been there.

Have you been there?

I've seen the stories.

I didn't have the
time to read them.

And I'm sure that they
have a trip planned.

Because, obviously,
Joe Biden did it.

So of course, they're going to
walk and see what's going on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As soon as there's a Trump
Tower they can stay at.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

If you want to know how
Zelenskyy is handling all

of this, just
watch his eyebrows.

Anytime you see him
on camera in America,

just look at his
eyebrows right here.

They respect me.

Let me tell you.

My eyebrows get
me in trouble, too.

It's like in a cartoon, where
your eyebrows raise up off

of your head.

That's how high the mugs got.

There was a metaphor Trump
kept coming back to over

and over.

He said, you don't
have good cards.

You're not playing good cards.

And Zelenskyy took
some offense to that.

He had the nerve to say,
we're not playing cards.

Imagine that.

And pointed out they were--

what's it called,
fighting a war.

Here's the exact
analogy Trump kept making.

You don't have
the cards right now.

With us, you start having cards.
- I'm not playing cards.

Right now, you don't--
no, you're playing cards.

- .
- You're playing cards.

- I'm very serious.
- You're gambling--

- I'm the president--
- with the lives of--

- in a war.
- millions of people.

You're gambling
with World War III.

What are you speaking about?

What is this?

Why are you such
an asshole to me?

What was the
moment after this?

There's more?

I know, right?

Seriously?

No.

Where the meeting really,
really went off the rails--

see, that was just off the rail.

That was on the
rails, off the rails.

And then it went really,
really off the rails.

A bear came in
and caught everyone?

What else?

It was this exchange where
Zelenskyy landed a punch.

Let's see if you all can see
where it exactly happened.

You invited me--

If you didn't have our
military equipment, This.

War would have been
over in two weeks.

In three days--

I heard it from Putin.

In three days.

Now, I will say, the one
good thing about this meeting

is that when they do that
reunion show with Andy Cohen,

it's going to be good.

Yeah, but it should have
ended with Zelenskyy snatching

his wig.

That would have
been appropriate.

So Fox put a pretty good
spin on what happened.

Here's what Fox News said.

The lunch that they
were supposed to have

is sitting right
outside the hallway.

And the press staffers are
going to be eating that lunch.

What do you all think the
consequences are going to be

from all of this?

It's going to be really bad.

I mean, I do believe that
Putin did win, right?

He literally has the
President of the United States

under his finger.

I would like to point out,
I don't think it's his finger

that Trump is under.

I can see where you
might make the mistake.

It's still-- where does
your mind go [inaudible]?

Michael and Jasmine, I
will show you all a clip.

And you all tell me,
what is the story?

Alrighty.

That's the capitol.

That's where you work.

And that's a calculator.

And they're saying, yes.

Are you voting?

We're voting, yes.

I think it's got to do
with our budget vote.

It didn't go too well
for us, us Americans,

didn't go too well for us.

This week, the House just
barely approved President

Trump's budget
resolution, which is

the first step towards enacting
his legislative agenda.

Technically, it was
called Resolution 14.

But what other name
have people been using?

Project 2025?

A good guess.

It's a good ass guess.

But let's hear the answer.

One big, beautiful bill.

One big, beautiful bill.

A big, beautiful bill.

A big, beautiful bill.

That's the president's phrase.

And I've adopted it.

In fact, I have it
tattooed on my chest here.

I could show you.

Big beautiful bill is Bill
de Blasio's Tinder username.

Who's your best
Republican friend?

Oh, I don't want to Adam.

There was one sole
Republican who voted

no on the big, beautiful bill.

Does anyone know?

Is it the one that like you.

The representative
was Thomas Massie.

Thomas Massie from
Kentucky, seen here

watching the girl of his
dreams marry somebody else.

Here he is before the vote.

If the Republican plan passes,
under the rosiest assumptions,

which aren't even true, we're
going to add $328 billion

to the deficit this year.

Why would I vote for that?

Congresswoman, why don't the
other Republicans know math?

This isn't about doing what's
right by the American people.

And the one thing
that I will say

is, I disagree with his overall,
but I agree with the fact

that he at least
stood for something.

And the rest of them don't
stand for what they claim to be.

Can you give that same exact
speech to Hakeem Jeffries

the next time you see him?

Y'all can not beat
up on my leader.

What did the budget resolution
that was passed this week

say about Medicaid?

Medicaid is for losers?

Ha, ha, ha ,ha.

Yeah.

It said absolutely nothing.

Watch.

Do a word search for
"Medicaid" on the resolution

that we passed last night.

You will not find it.

Now, Americans might
need their Medicaid soon.

Because earlier
this week, Elon Musk

delivered some exciting medical
news at Trump's first official

cabinet meeting.

Musk admitted that at least
one DOGE cut was a mistake.

So, for example, with
USAID, one of the things

we accidentally
canceled very briefly

was Ebola, Ebola prevention.

I think we all want
Ebola prevention.

Now, that's the accent I
hear, and I start running.

It turns out everybody should
be very concerned about Ebola.

Because even though Musk
says Ebola prevention

has been restored, officials
say that's not true.

USAID said that, quote, "the
teams and contractors that would

be deployed to fight an Ebola
outbreak have been dismantled."

Now, with all of these
cuts happening with DOGE

and the mistakes being made,
everybody is, of course, asking

the question, who the
hell is in charge of DOGE?

Who is the person
pulling the strings?

Who's the puppet master of DOGE?

Well, it's
obviously Elon Musk.

I'm with you.

That can't be true,
because Trump said he isn't.

And why would he lie?

The administrator of the
Department of Government

Efficiency is
actually Amy Gleason,

seen here hearing the words,
"actually, I am the manager."

But a lot of people are
wondering whether or not Amy's

really all in on DOGE.

What makes people question
Amy's dedication to the job?

That she runs a TJ Maxx?

Oh my God, I was going
to say the same thing.

Oh, wow.

I was going to say she
looks like a Maxxinista.

Yeah.

A lot of people are
questioning Amy's dedication

to DOGE Here's the reason why.

When we reached her
by phone yesterday,

Gleason said she was in Mexico
and declined to further comment.

Adriana?

All right, I wonder what
she's doing in Mexico.

Why Mexico, the first 100
days of the new administration?

Interesting.

- Maybe official business.
- Could be.

Could be.

Maybe not.

Yes, The New York Times
confirmed this week,

Gleason was scheduled to
be on vacation in Mexico.

You know what?

I'm going to defend old
TJ Maxx on this one.

DOGE firing people don't even
know they're getting fired.

How do you even know
you got hired for DOGE?

You just got the job all of
a sudden out of the blue.

And you know she put that
deposit down for that Mexico

trip two years ago.

This is not a person that
gets travel insurance.

Congresswoman, how do you think
the constituents are responding

to the big move?
- Yeah, no, they not feeling it.

Like, the Republicans are like,
guess what, we don't want to do

this anymore.
We're not going home.

We are hiding from
our constituents

because they are coming
out the woodwork.

Let's take a look
at a recent town hall

hosted by Wisconsin
rep Scott Fitzgerald.

There is no law,
and there is no order,

and there are no consequences.

Nobody is held to account.

The end result of the
fraud and abuse that

has been discovered already--

They booed that
boy like the Apollo.

Oh my god.

Here's what happened
down in Georgia.

When you talk about
tyranny, when you talk

about presidential
power, I remember

having the same discussion
with Republicans when Biden

was elected.

Let's get through this.

Congressman.

Hey.

I've seen Game
of Thrones, too.

Thank you.

Game of Thrones is a
wrong reference to make.

Because after they said, "shame,
shame, shame," they threw shit

water on that [inaudible].

Amber, let me pose a
hypothetical question to you.

Let's just say you're
a GOP elected official,

and you just saw these two
town halls go terrible,

and your town hall is
coming up tomorrow.

How would you prepare
for that town hall?

I would also go in there.

I would get my ass handed to me.

And then, I would go to Trump
and be like, look what I did

for you, mama.

Now, that's one strategy.

But a lot of GOP officials have
responded to voter pushback

by just canceling their town
hall meetings altogether.

That's a good idea.
That's a really good idea.

That's way better
than my shit.

Yeah.

Is there any reason for an
elected official to not have

face to face communication with
the people that elected them?

You know, what's
really sad is that,

literally,
collectively, they are

hurting their own constituents.

They always want to
say food stamps is

about the black people,
right, in the urban centers.

And the facts are that, when
we look at rural America,

they use more SNAP
benefits than anybody.

And guess what, we
talked about Medicaid,

but we didn't talk
about the fact,

it's not mentioned
in the bill either.

But they're also
going after SNAP.

And the way that they couched
it is, for ag, they said,

find over $400 billion.

Well, that's SNAP.

And then, for
energy and commerce,

they said, well, find
over $808 billion.

That means it's Medicaid.

So we know what they meant,
but they didn't want to put it

in writing.

And instead, what they did
is they went out and lied.

Can I just make a suggestion?

I would be more than
happy for the four of us

to not say another word and just
give you the rest of the hour.

Just-- just read here.

There's one Democrat that
stood up to Elon Musk this week.

Who was that Democrat?

Um.

I think it was Jasmine.

Crockett?

Right?

Jasmine Crockett?

We're going to go
with Jasmine Crockett.

OK, I'm going to
say Hakeem Jeffries.

Who was it?

Um, here's the answer.

If you could speak directly to
Elon Musk, what would you say?

Fuck off.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for Lie-Curious.

The rules are simple.

I give you three biographical
details about a public figure,

but only one is the truth.

And you have to guess
which is the truth

and which are dirty,
filthy, nasty lies.

Let's begin.

Three facts about SAG award
winner Timothée Chalamet--

our facts are, he was baptized
by Moby, had a YouTube channel

where he modified Xbox
controllers, his high school

nickname was "The Chalamander."

Which one is the truth?

We are reading this, but
Roy said Xbox controllers.

Now, that's an added detail.

Oh.

That makes me think
that it's number two.

Oh.

OK, over here.

I want to go with
baptized by Moby

because it's so implausible.

But do we know?

We don't know anything.

We don't know anything about
Moby or Timothée Chalamet.

No, we don't.

We don't.

Number one, baptized by Moby.

It's number two,
the Xbox controller.

There you go.

Here's tweeny Tim showing
off a modified Xbox controller.

What's good, YouTube?

This is Modding Controller 360,
with the controller of the week.

Here's red tiger.

Started it yesterday,
finished it today.

It looks nice.

It looks sexy.

That-- that is vintage
Chalamander, man.

Timothée Chalamet is
something of a Renaissance man.

What are some of
his other hobbies?

Trying to grow the
rest of that mustache.

Amongst his other habits--

Oh.

Timothée Chalamet got bars.

It's Lil Timmy Tim.

I am a boss.

You really like my shirt.

Should I take it off?

See me with a girl, and you
know it's getting cuddly.

See me in the hallway,
you know I hit my Dougie.

Feel good music.

I'm bringing it back.

What's wrong with that kid?

Does he think that he's black?

Hmm.

Looks like he should
have done that at the end.

Hmm.

You said there weren't going
to be any more bad stories.

You know, there is a role
to be played by white shame.

Time, now, for three facts
about House Speaker Mike

Johnson, seen here imagining
himself riding a dinosaur.

Our facts about Mike Johnson
are, one, he played washboard

in a zydeco band,
two, he refuses emojis

for religious reasons, three,
he blamed the fall of Rome

on excessive gayness--

excessive gayness.

Jasmine's nodding your head at
the same time I started nodding

my head.

- Three.
- Yep.

- We're going with three three.
- Three over here.

I'm going to argue that we
should go for played washboard

in a zydeco band.

Because if you have
no musical talent,

that's the instrument to go for.

We choose number one.

Yeah.

The answer is number three.

Mike Johnson-- Mike Johnson
blamed the fall of Rome

on excessive gayness.

Here's Mike Johnson
with his theory.

Many historians,
those who are objective,

would look back, and recognize,
and give some credit to the fall

of Rome to not only the
deprivation of the society

and the loss of morals, but
also to the rampant, you know,

homosexual behavior.

Johnson's theory on the fall
of Rome has been called, quote,

"totally baseless."

And of course, Gladiator tried
to blame the fall of Rome

on Denzel Washington.

Denzel, as you can see there,
being robbed of an

Oscar nomination.

Speaking of the Roman
Empire, does anybody

know what Denzel Washington
thinks of the Roman Empire?

It better not also be
homophobic because I can't

take it.

Is it homophobic?

No.

I got scared.

I'm sorry, I'm bad.

The answer is Denzel doesn't
think about the Roman Empire

at all.

Here's a clip of Denzel
learning about the TikTok meme

that he does not like.

Are you familiar with
the sort of meme of, like,

how often men think
about the Roman Empire?

Has anybody been
asking you about this?

No, uh-uh.

It was, like, this thing that,
like, men think about it once

a day.

About the Roman Empire?

Men think about the Roman--

no, not all men.

But I do have a real question.

What is excessive gayness?

Like, am I-- am I
doing it right now?

Is it this?

A little bit?

Time for three facts
about Jodie Foster.

Oh.

Our facts are, she
was attacked by a lion.

No.

She collects tires
from famous movie cars,

like Herbie or the Batmobile.

She was the 11th person in
America to test positive

for COVID-19.

Ooh.

One is the truth.

Which is it?

- I'm going with one.
- You like one?

I feel like she--

All right, my
teammate likes one.

We're going with one.

I was leaning towards one.

Now Dave--

Mm-hmm.

did you see what Roy did?

He added extra
details to number two.

Did he?

Now, I think he did that
to throw us off the scent

this time.

Because the last time,
it was to draw us in.

Yeah.

So now we feel confident--

Yeah.

in having decoded
his secret language.

You think you're
so fucking slick.

Roy.

And you're not, Roy.

You will not fuck
with our minds.

We're going to go for
three then, right?

We're going to go for three.

Number one is the answer.

Jodie Foster was attacked by a
lion on the set of the 1972 film

Napoleon and Samantha.

Here's Foster describing her
experience on the Jonathan Ross

Show.

I remember seeing his mane.

He came around me, and he
picked me up by the hip,

and turned me around,
and shook me around.

And I was sideways.

And I remember thinking,
oh, this is an earthquake.

Then, I guess, what I was told
is that the trainer yelled,

drop it.

And the lion was--

you know, acquiesced
and went, drop--

it dropped me.

I think-- I think--

Jodie Foster surviving
a lion attack

is a perfect example
of excessive gayness.

Mm-hmm.

This has been Lie-Curious.

It's time, now,
for Missing Words.

OK.

Captains, I'm going give your
team some recent news headlines

with key words cut out, and
you'll have to fill in the blank

to give us the full story.

Here's your headline.

Ice hockey ref gets
standing ovation after--

I.

You're from the
hockey country, Dave.

Yeah, and so
I've seen the clip.

He got a standing
ovation after being

hit in the balls with the puck.

Because hockey fans
love ironic ovations.

An ice hockey ref gets
standing ovation after suffering

every man's worst
nightmare, which

is getting hit in the balls.

Take a look.

Obviously, you see Kerfoot.

He knows where the net is.

But what he doesn't know is that
the official is standing right

there in the line of fire.

He just got a great, great
round of applause from the crowd

here at Delta Center.

He should have just laid
on the ice to ice his balls.

Why else have people been
paying extra attention to hockey

as of late?

They're booing the
American national anthem--

Yes, they are.

up in our 51st
state, which I find--

Exactly.

very unpatriotic.

Exactly.

Hockey is all the buzz
because of international games

between the US and Canada have
been grounds for both countries

to protest each other in
light of Trump's threats

to annex Canada.

And to be fair, if you say,
to somebody, that you're going

to make them American,
them's fighting words.

And yes, you're correct.

Americans have booed the
Canadian national anthem.

Show me that first.

Oh--

That's good.

That's good.

And then, of course,
the clap-back.

Oh, say, can--

you see?

All I can tell you is,
do you know how hard it is

for Canadians to be that rude?

We will be saying sorry
for years to come.

Remember when we had French
fries, and we was mad at France?

And we were like, oh,
they're freedom fries.

What American item
are Canadians renaming

because they tired of our shit?

Ooh, American cheese?

No, not American cheese.

Oh, no.

New York bagels.

The answer is coffee.

Apparently, some
coffee shops in Canada

have been rebranding their
americano as a canadiano.

Oh, I love it.

That's dumb.

Celine Diono was right there.

Here's your headline.

Man caught with cocaine stash
under blank in Colombia.

Under his mustache?

I know this one.

Congresswoman, you want
to take a stab at this one?

Under his wig.

What?

Man caught with cocaine
stashed under toupee

in Colombia.

Authorities found over $10,000
worth of cocaine hidden

in the hairpiece of a passenger
trying to board a flight from

Cartagena to Amsterdam.

And yes, there's footage.

Yay.

Oh, god.

Well, I hear that they became
suspicious because his lice were

unusually agitated.

At least his situation wasn't
as bad as my man who tried

to smuggle it like this.

A man was busted in Spain for
trying to smuggle illegal drugs

in a pretty obvious way.

If you can't guess from these
photos shared by investigators,

the Colombian man tried to
sweep a pound of cocaine

under the rug.

And by rug, we mean the one
on his head, his toupee.

Yeah, he stuck out
like a sore thumb.

So cops quickly arrested him.

If he wasn't wearing
that blindfold,

he would have seen how
ridiculous it looked.

That's Missing Words.

More after the break.

Welcome back to Have
I Got News For You.

It's time now for
the Offend-O-Meter.

Here's how it works.

Teams have to tell us who's
that offender, what they did,

and who they offended.

Let us begin.

Who is that offender?

He offended the rest
of the varsity team?

That's not the Fyre
Festival guy, is it?

Ding.
Ding.

Ding.
- Oh.

That's Fyre Fest
founder Billy McFarland.

Who did he offend?

I know that he announced
a second Fyre Festival.

OK.

Oh my gosh.

So who would be
offended by that?

People who went to the first one
and they were like, don't do it.

- Points.
- All right.

Yeah.

Billy McFarland
offended Fyre Festival 1

by announcing Fyre Festival 2.

Y'all remember the first one?

They was promised a
concert out in the beach

and then all they got
was airport sandwiches.

You come to Fyre Festival
2, don't be talking about

"where's the music?"

I don't want to hear
anything about "I'm hungry."

Or "I want a toilet."

Yeah.

Don't bring that here.

Tickets for the new Fyre
Festival range from $1,400

to $1.1 million.

Now the question is, well, what
do I get for $1,400 to

$1.1 million?

I would hate to say in
front of people what I expect

for that kind of money.

Here's Billy hyping the event.

We're going to have artists
across electronic, hip hop, pop,

and rock.

We might have a professional
skateboarder do a demonstration.

You say we might have.

Are any of these for sure haves?

What makes Fyre so cool
is that we are selling

the experience of fire.

I want to be one of the first
festivals that can sell out

with no artists.

We had more shit at my
daughter's middle school

fundraiser than that.

Am I the only person that just
kind of appreciates just a good,

old-fashioned, clear-cut,
perfectly explained scam?

And should we be that freaked
out about Fyre 2 when we're

living through Trump 2?

- Exactly.
- Right.

That's fair.

All right, let's
see your offender.

That is Jeff Bezos.

Yeah.

Who did Bezos offend?

Everybody who's got intellect.

No, I mean, seriously.

So as the owner of The
Washington Post, he decided no

op-eds if they are going to
"talk bad" about the Orange One.

Points on this side.

Points, one point.

So Jeff offended First Amendment
fans, and former Washington Post

opinion page editor
David Shipley,

seen here remembering the good
old days, when you could get

a decent apple at Whole Foods.

Bezos announced that the
Washington Post's Opinion page

will be revamped to focus on
"liberties and free markets,"

saying, quote, "viewpoints
opposing those pillars will be

left to be published by others."

So the newspaper that covered
the Watergate scandal,

the Pentagon Papers,
has basically

turned into an incel subreddit.

That's basically what
we're looking at.

He did everything.

He may as well
just take Garfield

out for being anti-Mondays,
if you're going to do that.

This isn't the only news from
old Jeff Bezos this week.

Does anyone know what
out-of-this-world announcement

he just made?

He swore that he was going
to shoot a bunch of women up

into space on a rocket
shaped like a dick.

It was announced on
Thursday that Jeff's company,

Blue Origin's, next launch
features a star-studded

female crew.

The way things are going for
women on this planet right now.

They have more
rights in space.

I believe space is where the
last Planned Parenthood

office is.

Does anyone know
what famous women

will be going on this trip?

"Star-studded."

Katy Perry.

Is she really?

Yes.

And most importantly,
Gayle King.

OK.

We cannot afford to lose her.

No.

Who else?

Well, Oprah not going, I know.

Not Oprah.

No.

That's going to be Gayle
by herself on that one.

See you later, bestie.

Is it Lauren Boebert?

No, no, no, no.

Take Marjorie.

Please.

Yes.

The historic all-women flight
crew will include philanthropist

Lauren Sanchez, pop star Katy
Perry, and national treasure

Gayle King.

Gayle, do not go, please.

Gayle King, we cannot
afford to lose you.

If you are a Black
woman journalist

and you're good at your job,
they are trying to silence you.

They are.

I ain't like what
they did to Joy Reid

and now they trying
to send you to space.

Who going to interview R. Kelly
when he get pardoned by Trump?

That was Offend-O-Meter.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for Meet
in the Middle,

where we find common ground
between two people who would

never be caught
hanging out together.

We have, oh, Mitchy Slipping
and Falling McConnell, Beyoncé,

Flea, and Justin Long.

And on the other side, there's
Morgan Freeman, the Duolingo

owl, Benedict Cumberbatch,
and Warren Buffett.

First up, Chomp Comp.

Which two of these people
get free fast food for life?

Now, no matter what
you say, Beyoncé does.

Yes.

I'm not charging her for
shit, and she took all my money.

Now give me one
from the other side.

Warren Buffett?

That sounds right.

The rich people always
get all the free stuff,

so I'm going with that.
That works.

The answer is Beyoncé and the
sixth richest man in the world,

Warren Buffett.

What did I say?

Well.

Buffett was granted a gold
card that gives him free meals

for life.

At any McDonald's
in Omaha, Nebraska,

Warren Buffett can
pull a plastic card

and leave with that McRib, baby.

Does anybody know which chain
Beyoncé eats at for free?

I'm going with Popeyes.

I was going to guess that but
I didn't want to sound racist.

He said Black card and
he said it like "ch-icken."

Popeyes is the answer.

You could just look at me and
tell when I'm thinking chicken?

Black women.

Something else, boy.

That is an intuition
gift right there.

Mrs. Knowles-Carter was given
a similar special card by about

Popeyes, but told
Oprah in 2003, quote,

"I've never used it because
I've been too embarrassed."

You don't have to be
embarrassed at Popeyes, Beyoncé.

They in there drinking
sweet tea out of a bag.

It's not just the Queen B and
Warren Buffett who've been given

free fast food cards.
Let's play a quick game.

I'm going to name
a famous person.

You all tell me which of
these two restaurant chains

gives them free food.

First up, Emily Blunt.

Does she eat?

Classy.

Classy.

Jamba Juice or Dairy Queen?

It's got to be Jamba Juice.

It has to be because
I would punch everyone

I know for a free Dairy Queen.

Emily Blunt gets
free Dairy Queen.

That's a perfect pair.

Boy, you get a
Blizzard and a Blunt?

That's a good one.

All right, let's do one more.

Yes.

Checkers or Burger King?

What does Jay Leno--
- Burger King.

Yeah, I'll go with my
teammate, Burger King.

Yeah, I think
it's Burger King.

Jay Leno eats
free at Burger King.

Oh.

Yeah.

Actually, Burger King gave
the card to Conan O'Brien

and Jay Leno took it.

Let's do Taken, Not Stirred.

Which two of these people
have both been kidnapped?

Oh.

I'm going with Flea because
don't nobody want him.

No, nobody wants
Mitch McConnell.

Nobody wants Mitch McConnell.

We're going Flea and
Benedict Cumberbatch.

Justin Long and
Benedict Cumberbatch

have both been kidnapped.

Really?

Justin Long was kidnapped
by strangers at a bar

while filming the
movie Youth in Revolt.

He says he escaped by throwing
himself out of their car.

And Benedict Cumberbatch was
kidnapped in 2004 while filming

a movie in South Africa.

We actually have footage of
Benedict Cumberbatch escaping

his kidnappers.

Can we see that?

None can stop me.

Next up, we've got
Show Me the Honey.

Which two of these people
are also beekeepers?

It has to be Morgan Freeman.

Yes.

Right?

Something an elegant older
gentleman should be doing.

Yeah.

I can hardly wait.

I think we have to go with
Flea because the idea of Mitch

McConnell caring for
creatures less powerful

than himself seems implausible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The answer is Flea and Morgan
Freeman are both beekeepers.

I bet Morgan Freeman just talk
them bees back to the hive.

We didn't get to Mitch
McConnell in the Duolingo owl,

but just know that they're
both actually still alive

and both mainly exist
to help White people.

More after the break.

Welcome back.

It's time for Odd One Out.

I'll show everybody
four pictures

and you have to guess which
one sticks out like RFK

Jr in a barbershop quartet.

Here's your first
group of four--

Cynthia Erivo, Will Smith,
Cynthia Nixon, and Kate Winslet.

Who is the odd one out?

Will Smith because
he's not a little gay.

Did they all run for
governor of New York

except for Kate Winslet.

The odd one out is Will Smith.

You were right.

Oh.

The Cynthias and Kate
Winslet are all one award

away from an EGOT, while Will
Smith needs an Emmy and a Tony

to complete the set.

So got to get Will in Cats,
him up there slapping them.

Yeah.

And Will Smith is the only one
with an actual Oscar

knockout, though.

Does anybody know which actor?

Bonus points.

Which actor is credited
with creating the term EGOT?

Whoopi?

The actor who
coined the term EGOT

was Philip Michael Thomas, who
played Detective Tubbs in Miami

Vice.

Oh, wow.

Yay.

Who was his partner?

Oh, that's Don Johnson.

No, Crockett.

You're supposed to say Crockett.

Crocket, Crockett and Tubbs.

And in 1984, he said, quote,
"Hopefully in the next five

years, I will win
all of those awards."

And he did not win
any of those awards.

Didn't happen.

I'm going to coin
the term NEGOT.

I win an NAACP award
on the front end.

You can win a NEGOT, too.

I don't think he's
allowed to say NEGOT.

That's fair.

That's fair.

It's fair.

In the weeks leading
up to the Oscars,

Variety spoke to
anonymous Academy members

to see where their heads were
at on the Oscar voting, and all

of that stuff.

And people love conclave, but
two voters told Variety they

didn't vote for Ralph Fiennes
because, quote, "he won before."

What movie did he win
an Oscar for before?

Schindler's List?

Trick question.

He didn't.

He didn't win for
Schindler's List.

No?

He's never won an Oscar.

These two Academy members
believe Ralph Fiennes already

won for Schindler's
List, which he didn't.

He lost to Tommy Lee
Jones for The Fugitive.

Hmm.

That he already won, that is
such a Canadian way of thinking.

That was Odd One Out.

We'll be back after this.

Hey, I want to thank
our guest, Dave Foley,

and representative
Jasmine Crockett,

and of course, our team
captains, Amber Ruffin

and Michael Ian Black.

Before we sign off, here are a
few more stories we're watching.

Elon Musk, no longer the
richest person in the world.

That dog knows what he did.

You won't believe what the
Olsen twins look like today.

Local man lets server know
where to drop those fajitas.

DSW manager fired
after third strike.

I'm Roy Wood Jr. We'll see you
next week for another episode

of Have I Got News For You.

Joy Reid, you are loved.

And remember, there are still
two people stranded in space.

Good night.