Original subtitles

- Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I am Roy Wood Jr. In the news this week,

audiences are terrified by The Monkey,

a horror movie about a cursed wind up toy.

YMCA.

It's fun to stay

- Teen breaks it to Dad that he probably hasn't been texting

with the real Margot Robbie.

They got your data, dumbass!

- MTV finds exhibits replacement for the reboot of Pimp My Ride.

On Amber's team tonight, she's a comedian who's opened for Hasan

Minhaj, Maria Bamford, and Dave Chappelle--

so we're all going to be chain smoking

by the end of this show-- it's Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

And joining Michael, he's the Republican representative

for New York's 17th congressional district and is

currently locked in a tight race for whitest Michael on that side

of the desk, it's Mike Lawler.

Thank you.

Got it together.

White men versus Black women.

This is going to be good. - Race war!

Let's do it.

Yay, it's a race war.

That's right.

It's kinda what the last election was,

white men versus Black women, and a Black man in the middle

to decide who wins.

Amber and Joyelle, I'm going to show you all a clip package

referencing some news stories from last week.

You watch the clips, and you tell me, what's the story?

Take a look.

- Oh. - Donald Trump.

I don't like him.

Oh, Black power.

- It was a Donald Trump book signing.

Oh, Russia and Ukraine.

Oh, gosh.

Saudi Arabia?

- Donald Trump is embarrassing us all around the world.

Yes!

- That has been the story since Trump was born.

- The story is President Trump schooling the world on the art

of the deal.

Or as he so eloquently puts it--

- You have to get people in, grab them, hug them, kiss them,

and get the deal done.

Kiss them?

Yes.

The non-consensual groping.

That's what makes the deal.

All right.

- President Trump's first order of business was ending

the Russia-Ukraine war.

Before peace talks officially began,

what did our dealmaker in chief demand from Ukraine?

- Half of all of their natural resources, right?

- In exchange for American support,

Trump demanded a 50% share of Ukraine's revenue

from critical minerals, oils, gas, their ports,

and infrastructure.

Peace talks kicked off in the Middle East and Saudi

Arabia, a.k.a.

The Switzerland of the Middle East.

Who was invited to the table?

Russia.

- And more importantly, who was not invited?

Not Ukraine.

- This is like, say, it's your birthday.

Yeah.

We want to surprise you.

Yes.

- We all get together at your apartment.

We do not invite you.

- And then on top of it, surprise!

We took half your shit.

- Donald Trump lives by one song.

It was a Beach Boys hit back in the day--

Aruba, Jamaica, Panama, I'm going to take you.

Bermuda, Bahama, Greenland, come home to your mama.

Key Largo, Toronto, Trudeau, why don't we go?

Off the Mediterranean Sea, there's a place

called Gaza Largo.

That's where we've got to go to get some USA id.

Did you write that?

I did.

You did?

- I was supposed to prepare a song because, honey--

- We can freestyle a song right here.

We can do it.

- You've been a big supporter of Ukraine?

I have.

- So when Trump blamed Russia for attacking Ukraine,

surely, you spoke out on the floor of Congress.

- I actually did speak out in support of Ukraine.

Look, this conflict needs to come to an end.

I think we can all agree on that.

And Ukraine should have been at the negotiating table

and should be as we move forward.

But that, ultimately, there's going to have to be a

negotiated settlement.

- To be fair, let's check in with the Russian media

to see what they're saying about Trump and Putin.

- Russian Deal or No Deal is some crazy shit.

It looked like you'd die if you like, guess the wrong

money case.

Yeah.

Goodness gracious.

Trump has fudged many details about the war in Ukraine,

but his biggest whopper might have been the false claim

that Ukraine started the war with Russia.

Of course, the Republicans, they are the party of Reagan,

and they've been famously anti-Russia for decades

and decades.

So selling out the West to Putin must

have bothered some Republicans.

Mike, you're an elected Republican.

Do you have any thoughts?

- As far as I'm concerned, Vladimir Putin needs to be beat

back in and out of Ukraine.

There has to be a negotiated settlement here, which is why

it's so critical to get Zelenskyy

to the table with Putin.

- OK, so we know how Mike feels as a Republican on this matter.

Let's see how some of his colleagues feel.

- He makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like Mother Teresa.

That's too much of a spread.

You got to have somebody in the middle.

You can't go Dahmer to Mother Teresa.

You can say, make OJ Simpson look like Mother Teresa.

Like there's other analogies to do.

Why Mother Teresa catching strays?

So now, we know what they're saying.

But what are they going to do about it, Mike Lawler?

- This conflict occurred under Joe Biden.

Ooh, so it's Biden's fault!

It is.

Oh!

Oh, OK.

Oh, snap!

Oh, snap!

That's right!

Oh!

- Is your position now that we should give Ukraine all

the weapons and they should be used as far into Russia

as possible?

- My position early on was that--

- But no, no. I'm saying now though.

- My position early on-- - I know, but now.

Do you think we should-- - --that they should have been--

- I know. I know.

But now, do you feel like we should give them all the weapons

and let them just strike as far into Russia as they want?

Because that seems to be what you're advocating that Biden

should have done. - No.

- They should have been-- - Right.

Right. But now.

- Earlier on, they should have been allowed to.

- Yeah. Yeah.

But now, what should they do?

No.

In the current environment, they're in a very

weakened position.

Are they on the same team?

Apparently not.

Why is Europe so concerned?

- Trump and his administration are giving every indication

that they're going to abandon Europe and abandon

our commitments to NATO.

How do you feel about that?

- No, I don't think they're abandoning our commitment

to NATO.

They've said they're going to.

I think the objective--

respectfully, the objective, the objective

is obviously to have NATO allies pick up more of the slack.

- Oh, they got to kick in? OK.

The art of the deal.

- We'll just call it you got to kick in.

You got to put five on it.

- You could have just said, kick in.

I'm teaching you how to talk shorter.

Next time somebody asks you this question on the Hill,

you just go, them motherfuckers ain't kick in.

They got to kick in. - They got to kick in.

I got it.

- I'm not saying I agree with you.

I'm just giving you the short way to get to the shit.

Got it.

Kick in.

- We'll work on pronunciation later.

But that was good.

That was good.

Europe is on the edge because sources close to The Kremlin

reported that Trump has given Putin Carte Blanche to attack

London, Paris, or Brussels.

But don't panic.

It's not like they literally said that.

- Emily, girl, you need to leave Paris right now.

Get your bucket hat and get the hell out of there!

Team white, assuming you are still a team.

We are.

We're still a team.

Watch the clips and tell me what's the story?

That's a flag.

I don't know of what.

- Taking a sledgehammer or some shit.

Oh, somebody got fired.

Oh, I think-- oh, yeah, yeah.

Bird flu and a nuclear bomb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're erasing people.

And then this guy's got rehired.

- He's going back. Yeah.

- So this is obviously all the federal workers that have

been cut--

Have been cut.

- --by Elon Musk and his team of incels and--

- Amid massive cuts across a wide range of agencies

last week, Elon fired 350 employees from the NNSA.

Do we know what the NNSA stands for?

Not now, stupid ass.

- The NNSA is the National Nuclear Security Administration,

the organization in charge of safeguarding

our nuclear stockpile.

So the administration made major sudden cuts

to the nuclear weapons infrastructure.

Question to you all.

How did it go?

Not well.

- NBC News has obtained an email sent

to employees at the National Nuclear Security Administration.

It says in part, the termination letters for some NNSA

probationary employees are being rescinded,

adding that officials do not have a good way to get in touch

with those personnel.

- Thankfully, thankfully we have people in charge.

They've given a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

Here's Stephen Miller with the answer.

Boo.

- Why are you not celebrating the cuts, the reforms that are

being instituted?

Every day that no action is taken, the entire salaries--

Stephen, let's calm down.

- --of American workers that are taxed disappear forever.

- Stephen, let's calm down. - This is not--

We're not.

This is-- we're not having a debate.

There's no reason.

- --about whether there are places--

- You are clearly trying to debate me,

and I will be as excited as I want to be about the fact

that we are saving Americans billions of dollars.

Now Mike, that's your boy.

Are they making the cuts before they check the cuts?

Is that how you make the cuts?

You just cut, and then you double-- oh, I cut too much?

- When you're making an omelet, you crack a few eggs.

For real.

Just on the real.

Turn the cameras off.

Everybody, turn the cameras off.

This is on the real

- Mike Lawler, on the group chat, do y'all just be like,

motherfuckers, are y'all crazy?

- We just dealt with the White House on some of the CDC cuts

because it impacted the World Trade Center Health Fund,

and we were able to get those reversed immediately

because obviously, we want to make sure that our 9/11 first

responders are protected and they get the services that

they need.

- I just want to say, I think you're the first guest who's

ever been heckled.

I love it.

Clearly.

This audience is lit.

Clearly.

I'm a Republican.

I'm used to it.

- Now, these sweeping indiscriminate cuts are also

having an effect on America's leisure time.

Question-- does anyone know which uniquely

qualified staffer--

oh, Elon and the Doge boys fired from Yosemite National Park?

- I think it was the locksmith who is the only guy who knows

how to unlock the restrooms at Yosemite.

Points.

No.

- Under major Doge cuts to the National parks,

Yosemite fired the only locksmith on staff,

apparently the sole employee with keys

and the institutional knowledge needed to rescue visitors

from locked restrooms.

- I don't want to die on a toilet in Yellowstone Park.

- What other inefficiencies has Doge gotten rid of?

- Well, I know they cut cancer research, which was--

- We would have also accepted Alzheimer's research,

the Veterans Crisis Line, cancer research, special education,

FEMA employees, money for 9/11 survivors, and a little niche

organization called the FAA.

I ain't never heard of FAA.

Are they in charge of anything important?

Even though Trump said that Medicare and Medicaid were safe,

he's on Truth Social encouraging Congress to pass his tax cuts

and quote, one big, beautiful bill.

But Mike Johnson's new House Budget, which will make that

possible, calls for around $880 billion in cuts to Medicaid.

So, Mike, we got you here.

Which is it?

Is Medicaid safe or is Medicaid going down?

Trump or Johnson?

Who's your daddy?

- The budget resolution is what is being discussed

has to pass in order to get to reconciliation.

The final bill, the reconciliation bill,

will be what is negotiated.

And there are many of us, myself included,

who will not cut Medicaid benefits to our

constituents, period.

- So when that bill comes to the floor

and there's even a dollar in Medicaid cuts, you vote--

- Well, we're not cutting Medicaid.

Right.

But I'm saying but when that bill comes to the floor--

If it has Medicaid cuts, no.

Right, right, right.

If they're even $1 Medicaid cuts, you're a no.

On benefits.

If you are eliminating any type of fraud or waste or abuse,

that's fine.

But benefits to beneficiaries?

No.

- You understand that Elon and Trump are claiming waste, fraud,

and abuse where there is none.

So when the bill comes and there's a dollar to cuts

in Medicaid, you're a--

- No, I will not cut Medicaid benefits.

No. - Right.

So you're a no if there's even a dollar in cuts to Medicaid.

Very good. - Damn it.

He was doing so good.

- Well, because you're giving me politician doublespeak.

- I'm not giving you doublespeak.

- You are. It's bullshit.

You're saying--

- No, it's way more complicated than you want to make it.

It's not complicated.

- Turns out Trump and Elon aren't just cutting costs

by slashing programs.

They also want to make sure the money we do have is safe.

What government building does Trump

have his sights set on next?

- He said he wants to figure out how much gold is in Fort Knox.

Is that true?

Yup.

He's crazy, man.

Mike, I see why you like him.

He's a fun guy.

It's fun.

- We're going to go into Fort Knox.

Do you know about that?

- Well, hopefully they didn't fire the one locksmith that

knows how to get in.

- That was a good joke, but they hating on you because

of the other shit.

I know.

- And in comedy, that's called a joke deficit.

You need, like, three good jokes to get back to zero,

and then they'll reward you.

So two more and then you're going to be back.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for Lie-Curious.

The rules are simple.

I give you three biographical details about a public figure

but only one is true.

You have to guess which is the truth

and which are dirty, filthy lies.

Time for three facts about Marlon Brando.

Our facts are he left his pet tortoise to Jack Nicholson.

He had intercourse on every continent.

He was an avid user of Photoshop.

Which one is the truth?

Number 2.

I'll start with Team Afro.

- I think we want it to be number 2 in our hearts,

as does the audience.

Yeah.

- I want to see him begging on Antarctica.

Where?

There's no hotels.

- But that's Marlon Brando. He don't need a hotel.

He don't need a hotel.

He's Marlon Brando.

- Have you seen pictures of Antarctica?

It's ice.

His lap is the hotel.

Exactly.

Tortoises live a long time.

Brando did not.

Nicholson is still alive.

We think he left that pet tortoise to Jack Nicholson.

- Marlon Brando was an avid user of Photoshop.

Marlon Brando loved using Photoshop to prank his friends.

One friend of Brando said, quote, "He would take people's

pictures and put them in places they never were.

Then he'd say, remember when we were in so-and-so?

And you'd see people trying to remember that same situation."

Question, does anyone know what other technology Marlon Brando

was passionate about?

The Domino's Pizza tracker?

- Marlon Brando was really into motion capture technology

and creating digital actors.

He even went so far as to have himself scanned to create

a digital avatar.

This is an actual scan.

Take a look at these.

Jump scare.

- It looked like he got ran over by one of them

Daffy Duck steam rollers.

Time for three facts about Transportation Secretary

Sean Duffy.

Our facts are he's a father of nine children.

He successfully won a lawsuit after a botched vasectomy.

He finger paints to unwind.

- If he finger paints, Roy, if he finger paints,

I'll give you $100.

- We're going to go with number one.

He's got a lot of kids, that guy.

- Sean is a father of nine children.

Oh.

Nine.

As we call it, a baker's octuplet.

Which raises the question, can a marriage be too healthy?

Secretary Duffy had a message for New Yorkers this week.

What was that message?

- He sent a letter to Governor Kathy Hochul

to cancel congestion pricing, which

is nothing more than a scam.

- All right, you're doing better, Mike.

Keep going. - Better, right?

Damn.

- He won him back on that $9 suggestion.

That's like the New York equivalent "give it up

for the ladies."

Don't you hate congestion pricing?

Yeah.

In a letter to Governor Kathy Hochul, Duffy told New York that

the DOT was pulling support for the successful congestion

pricing plan, saying it targeted working class people and called

the toll, quote, "backwards and unfair."

- I was with President Trump two weeks ago in the Oval Office,

and I said to him, Mr. President,

we have to kill congestion pricing.

And he said, oh, it's terrible, Mike.

Horrible.

Call Duffy.

Tell him, kill it.

- Is Trump still going to be your friend after he sees you

making fun of him like this?

- I think that's a fairly good impersonation.

- I thought it was good, too, and that's why I'm

concerned, Mike.

- How did Trump announce it publicly that he was no longer

supporting the plan?

I'm the king of the world.

Points.

He declared himself king.

Trump posted, quote, "Congestion pricing is dead.

Manhattan and all of New York is saved.

Long live the king."

Oh, Trump.

Calm down.

He was talking about this guy.

This is the king he was talking about.

I respect Burger King and Gayle King.

Them the two kings.

- Trump wants to be a rapper so bad.

He's always saying stuff, and you can imagine him dropping

an imaginary mic afterwards.

Like shut your goofy ass up.

- But does the federal DOT actually have any authority

to cancel congestion pricing?

- Yes. - No.

Yes.

No.

- The program is a pilot program that was approved by DOT

and the Federal Highway Administration,

and so they absolutely have the authority

to revoke the approval.

I'm still saying no.

- Only the states Triborough Bridge and Tunnel Authority can

do that, Congressman.

Booyah!

- I'm just saying Republicans need to be careful about pissing

off Kathy Hochul because you know they're going to kick out

your mayor that y'all just bought.

You like this suit?

I got it from Eric Adams.

Y'all look mayoral.

Like a little kingpin.

She might pick me.

You never know.

This has been Lie-Curious.

It's time now for Missing Words.

Yay.

- I'm going to give you some recent news headlines

with key words cut out, and you have to fill in the blank

and give us the full story.

Here's your headline, "Peruvian Police Officer Wears Blank

to Make Arrest in Drug Probe."

- I'm going to say Paddington Bear costume.

Full drag.

That's what we hope is true.

- "A Peruvian Police Officer Wears a Capybara Costume to Make

Arrest in Drug Probe."

Michael, you're pretty close, yeah.

So officers in the Peruvian national police's Green Squad

often dress up in costumes as a way of getting suspected

criminals to let their guard down,

as seen in this clip of their latest raid.

- Let me tell you something, if ICE comes to my door

and they're wearing the capybara costume, I'm opening the door.

Come on in.

Imagine being on drugs--

-and a 6' beaver walks in.

Like that's Fortnite.

That only happens in Fortnite.

Here's your headline, "Shoppers Left Appalled After Realizing

Trader Joe's Sells Blank."

People.

Trader Joe's sells sex?

- If Trader Joe's sold sex, it'd be organic and overpriced.

- I was going to say condoms paid for by USAID.

Oh my god, stop.

You're reminding us that you're bad.

Take a break from it for a second

so we can have a nice time.

- "Shoplifters Left Appalled After Realizing Trader

Joe's Sells Fertilized Chicken Eggs That Can Be Hatched."

That's right, do-it-yourself chickens at the Trader Joe's.

Even worse, the yogurt-covered pretzels are also fertilized.

That's why the employees are so cheery.

Roy.

What?

- Roy, did you just make a joke about jizz pretzels?

No.

No, I did not.

Amber?

Yes?

- I can be as excited about jizz pretzels as I want to be.

- Bonus question, does anyone know how New York City bodegas

are handling the price of skyrocketing eggs?

I do.

They're selling loosies.

They're selling loose eggs.

Is that real?

Yes.

Would you like a video?

Yes.

Oh, give Amber the video.

- It's not loose cigarettes but loose eggs drawing people

to Pamela's Green Deli.

I do it because I care.

- Fernando Rodriguez sells a trio for $2.99 at his shop off

of Boston Road.

Long live the king!

He's been president for a month.

We selling eggs out of the trunk like cocaine.

I had to cut down.

I'm down to two quiche a day.

Here's your headline, "Blank Has Its Own Board Game Now."

I'm going to give you all a hint.

What major recent historical event

has its own board game now?

- Kendrick Lamar's halftime show?

- The "January 6 Takeover Has Its Own Board Game Now."

Players can choose if they play as protesters or the Capitol

Police in a game called Fight for America!

Yes, it's like Clue, except the answer

is they all did it in every room,

usually with the American flag.

- And unlike Monopoly, this game,

everybody has a Get Out of Jail Free card.

So it's a nice question.

"Which 1989 Milton Bradley game had the slogan,

it's not what you win or lose, it's whether you win?"

Battleship.

Battleship?

Oh.

- That was the slogan of the Trump game.

I was going to say.

The Donald Trump board game.

Please check this out.

- My new game is The Game.

- The Game, where you deal for everything

you've ever wanted to own.

Because it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you win.

Yes!

- The Game from Milton Bradley.

I think you'll like it.

- Can we look at the commercial again and, just for a second,

just pay attention to the assholes who are playing

this game?

How much cocaine did they do before they sat down to play

this game?

That's Missing Words.

We'll be back after the break.

Welcome back.

Have I got news for you.

It's time now for the Offender Meter.

Here's how it works, the index of everyone who's made people

mad this week.

Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did,

and who they offended.

Let us begin.

Let's see your offender.

Ah, yes, Rosario Dawson.

Yes.

That is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Who did she offend?

Republicans.

Mike?

Yes?

- When you saw that picture, were you offended?

No.

- AOC offended Trump border czar Tom Homan by sponsoring

a, quote, "Know Your Rights" webinar in response

to the recent immigration raids.

Yes.

Question, why is it important for everyone

to know their rights if they're confronted by ICE?

- Isn't it important to know your rights in general?

Yeah.

- Because they'd be pulling up to people's houses like,

hey, you look colored, so you're probably illegal.

So you should know that they can't do that.

Yeah.

The answer, it's important for everyone to know their rights

because even legal US citizens are being detained by

ICE agents.

In one New Jersey raid, ICE even detained a US military veteran,

which is wild because if you're a veteran

and want to be disrespected, you just go to the VA.

You shouldn't have to deal--

-with ICE.

But Republicans, including Tom Homan,

say that AOC reminding citizens of their rights,

it's basically telling immigrants how to evade ICE.

Here's Tom on the subject.

I'm not an attorney.

I'm not a prosecutor.

Is that impediment?

Is that impeding our law enforcement efforts?

If so, what are we going to do about it?

Is she crossing the line?

So I'm working with the Department of Justice

and finding out, where is that line that they crossed?

So maybe AOC is going to be in trouble now.

- Bonus question, is his mouth full of saltwater taffy?

Right.

- So we know what Tom Homan said.

What do you all think AOC said in response to Tom?

Kiss my brown ass.

- AOC posted, quote, "Maybe he can learn to read."

"The Constitution would be a good place to start."

Points?

Points.

Let's see the next offender.

Sheryl Crow.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- Sheryl Crow has never offended anyone a day in her life.

Ooh.

- And I don't think this is going to come back to bite me

in the ass in one minute.

Wait.

Sheryl offended GOP Senator John Kennedy and Elon stans

everywhere after she posted a video of herself selling

her Tesla and donating the money to NPR.

Here's the clip.

Yes.

Time to say goodbye

Why Andrea Bocelli?

Like, why not a Sheryl Crow song, man?

- All I want to do is have some fun

- I do not know a Sheryl Crow

song

Question.

What did John Kennedy have to say about Sheryl Crow's video?

- Well, I say, I say why is she selling her Tesla?

I say, I say.

Points.

All right.

Here's the Senator.

- I think that it should not go unnoticed that President Biden

got a lot of his advice from pop singers and movie stars

and people who partied with Harvey Weinstein.

And we know how that turned out.

- All across the country, people have been protesting Tesla

and selling their cars, like Sheryl.

But there's one notable exception.

Who on this very panel recently posted that they still love

their Musk mobile?

Ooh.

Is it you, drive from Detroit?

I got a Jeep, so no.

I don't have a car.

I have a Ford.

OK.

Congressman, you got a Tesla?

I do not have a Tesla.

Michael!

- It's Michael who said, quote, "Honestly, the worst part about

this whole thing is, I bought a Tesla years ago,

and it's the best car I've ever owned."

- You advertising for other people?

You fucking piece of shit!

You're a commercial for Tesla!

How could you?

Michael Ian Black, I am ashamed of you.

- You bought it before the Nazi salute.

- Of course. - OK.

- Look, when I bought it, my son, who was 16 at the time,

said, don't buy it.

Elon's a douche.

And I said, he's just a businessman

with a lot of good ideas.

I have since apologized to my son.

And to make it up to him, I bought him a Tesla.

That was offend-a-meter.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for Meet in the Middle,

where we find common ground between two people who would

never be caught hanging out.

OK, on one side, you have Bill Hader, old Chuckie Schumer, Tim

McGraw, and Whoopi Goldberg.

On the other side, Adam Scott, Elvis Presley, Margaret Cho,

and Martha Stewart.

First up, we have, I'm your Usherman.

Which two of these people once worked as movie theater ushers?

Elvis?

Yeah, Elvis sounds right.

And then Whoopi and Chuck, right?

- Chuck Schumer's never held a job outside of politics.

All right.

Margaret Cho.

OK.

Just cause I love her.

Yeah.

She's eccentric.

Like movie theaters very shut your ass up.

Yeah, how about Adam Scott?

OK.

Still wrong.

The answer, Bill Hader and Elvis Presley

both worked as movie theater ushers.

Yes!

- Elvis was a theater Usher in Memphis.

It was a job he stole from a Black man.

But--

That's not true.

That's not true.

But he was a movie usher.

And Bill Hader was an usher in the late '90s, where he got

fired for spoiling the end of Titanic for an audience.

Bonus question, since we're talking Titanic,

could Jack have fit on that stupid-ass board?

Yes.

Yes.

- Well, it doesn't matter what we think.

We have the research of Oscar-winning director James

Cameron to give us the real answer.

- I'm going to recreate Jack and Rose on the raft in a controlled

laboratory setting.

They did manage to find a stable position--

it took a little bit of trying--

where their upper bodies were out of the water, both of them.

And that's when it got interesting.

Final verdict, Jack might have lived.

But there's a lot of variables.

- First of all, why did we need a Nat Geo documentary?

Imagine that's how you die, in a James Cameron Nat Geo

reenactment, freezing from hypothermia.

Next up, we've got Breed, Follow, or Get out of the Way.

Which two of these people had dogs win Best of Breed

at the Westminster Dog Show?

Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart.

It's got to be, right?

And Whoopi Goldberg.

And I would say Tim--

Tim McGraw.

- Answer, Tim McGraw and Martha Stewart.

Here we go.

- Wow. - Both--

- Yes. - Bow.

Good job.

- Both people had dogs win Best of Breed

at the Westminster Dog Show.

McGraw's dog, Lepshi, a Bracco Italiano, won Best of Breed

in 2023.

And in 2012, one of the winners was Martha Stewart's Chow Chow,

named Genghis Khan.

But Martha and Tim aren't the only celebrities whose dogs have

competed in the Westminster Dog Show.

This Dandie Dinmont terrier named Harry won Best of Breed

in 2007.

Who was his famous owner?

And here's a hint.

He's one of the greatest comedians of all time.

Thank you, Roy.

And I just want to say--

- The owner of this dog was Bill Cosby.

- That poor dog was drugged, to do that.

I was going to say--

And he's back.

You claw and claw and claw, and you're back

at zero, Congressman.

All right, let's do Butt Dial--

Oh.

--and other parts.

Which two of these people worked as phone sex operators?

Oh, well, Margaret--

Whoopi, no.

Whoopi got that voice.

She going to call him.

And she's going to say, what are you wearing?

That's very good.

Thank you.

Do me a favor, Joelle.

Keep going.

No.

- Whoopi Goldberg and Margaret Cho

both worked as phone sex operators.

Whoopi revealed to her View co-host

that she worked on a phone sex line when she was young.

And Margaret Cho says that when she did phone sex for this

company, she was promoted faster because she "sounded white."

I didn't even-- you know how you just discover a new racism?

Really, that's a-- that's another one?

We didn't get to.

Adam Scott and Chuck Schumer.

But they're both fathers of two.

And right now, they're both mostly known for completely

forgetting they have a day job.

More after the break.

Welcome back.

It's time now for the Odd One Out.

Teams, here's how it works.

I'm going to show everybody four pictures.

And you'll have to guess which one sticks out like Pete Hegseth

at a Take Back the Night rally.

Here's your first group of four.

We have Tilda Swinton, Mark Wahlberg, George Clooney,

and Harry Styles.

Who is the odd one out?

- Three of them have acted in a movie together.

What movie?

Was Tilda Swinton--

Michael Clayton.

Huh.

Wait, Mark Wahlberg was in Michael Clayton?

Yep.

I like that answer.

Very good.

OK, over here.

- Was Mark Wahlberg in a boy band?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Harry Styles was in a boy band.

- Yes. - Oh.

- Were one of these people in a boy band?

It couldn't be-- it could be Tilda Swinton.

This could be Tilda.

Tilda?

That's our answer.

It's unusual, yes, unorthodox, also.

But it's what we have.

- So George Clooney is the odd one out.

- The odd one out is George Clooney.

Not for that shit.

Tilda Swinton, Mark Wahlberg, and Harry Styles all

have at least one extra nipple, while George Clooney,

our old loving Batman, only has two nipples that never recovered

from fighting Mr. Freeze.

Tilda Swinton has a third nipple she calls her, quote,

"witch's mark."

Mark Wahlberg has an additional infant's nipple

below his adult-sized nipple.

Let's get a picture of that.

There's that third baby nip.

Oh.

- Is that a nipple or is that melanoma?

Like, I-- I'm not trying to wish nothing on my man,

but how low is a nipple before it's still a nipple?

Like, if it's that far down, is that still nipple?

Let's show them Harry Styles' two sets of nipples.

Yeah, for a grand total of four nipples.

Four nipples, and they all point in One Direction.

According to science, up to 6% of people

are born with bonus nipples of various sizes

and configurations, so it's not all that rare.

Scientific literature on extra nipples mentions quote,

"a famous case from 1827 involving a French woman who had

a functioning breast on her left thigh and nursed her five

children using all three breasts."

Could have used that lady at the end of Grapes of Wrath.

Yeah.

Let RFK Jr., you let him keep running stuff.

That's how we're going to get our milk.

That was Odd One Out.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

We are going to play a game.

It's called Who Said It?

I'll give you a quote.

And you tell me if it came from someone who's in the news

or a character from The Office.

Here's the quote, "Yesterday was incredibly emotional for me.

I honestly can say that I felt more like a female than I think

I ever have or ever will."

This is really hard.

- That seems like something JD Vance would have said at his

before times.

- Just to be contrary, we're going to go with Dwight Schrute.

- It is a quote from Vice President JD Vance.

Vance wrote, in his 2005 blog, which he later described

as quote, "like a diary, only far more masculine"--

what he means by that is that he's never

blogged without a full boner.

Here's the quote, "Ultimatums are key."

Who said that?

Kelly Kapoor or Stephen Miller?

- We're going to go with Stephen Miller.

- I want to go with Stephen Miller

because I feel like he said it, and he screamed it at a woman.

He screamed it at a woman?

- This is a quote from Kelly Kapoor, who famously said,

quote, "Ultimatums are key.

Basically, nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to

kill myself."

Oh, shit.

- That's all the time we have for Who Said It?

We cut now to live footage of the DOGE takeover

at the Pentagon.

You're pretty fired.

And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.

- I want to thank our guest, Joyelle Nicole Johnson

and Congressman Mike Lawler, of course, our team captains, Amber

Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.

Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching.

Family realizes dad ordered calamari only for himself.

Grandpa listens to the 20-minute description of a

30-second TikTok.

The left comes up with their response to the Elon salute.

I'm Roy Wood Jr. And I'll see you all next week

for another episode of Have I Got News For You.

And remember, there's still two people stranded in space.