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Welcome.

Welcome to Have I
Got News For You.

I'm Roy Wood, Junior.

Welcome back to the show.

Here's what's happened in
the news while we were gone.

Tired of feckless leaders,
Democrats are already circling

a front runner for 2028.

Luigi Mangione.

- The Trump administration
told us exactly who's to blame

for all these plane crashes.

Black people.

Black people.

- Probably a bad sign when
you're saying this in a

job interview.

It wasn't pedophilia.

- A woman realized her buzzer
just went off at the

Cheesecake Factory.

On Amber's team tonight, he's an
attorney, legal expert, and he

used to be related to one
of Trump's biggest allies.

That's right.

He used to be
married to Roy Cohn.

It's George Conway.

And joining Michael,
he's an actor, comedian,

and fellow Celebrity
Jeopardy winner.

You might recognize him from
when he absolutely dishragged

Wolf Blitzer.

It's Andy Richter.

Hi.

How you doing?

Amber, good to see you again--
- Hi.

- --season two.
Michael, good to see you again.

- Roy, it is so good to see you.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Amber, it is so--
- No, no, no, no.

- What?
What?

No, no, no.

- I was told this is
how we say hello now.

No, no, no.

- Now for the biggest
stories of the week.

Amber and George, I'm going
to show you a clip referencing

a major news story
from the past week,

and you tell me
what's the story.

Here we go.
- OK.

OK.

We got a dog, the
White House, of course.

Oh, no, the Capitol.

OK.

Layoff notice.

Somebody getting fired.

That's one of
Elon's kids, right?

- And then there's
Elon, so you were right.

DOGE.

DOGE.

Oh, very, very tricky.

- It's Elon, DOGE, firing
people, hiring children,

final answer.
- That's partial points.

That's good enough.

I'll give you a
little bit of that.

The story is DOGE, the
Department of

Government Efficiency--

Elon's made up cabinet
department/influencer hype house

that was named after a
13-year-old meme and staffed

by boys roughly the same age.

Now, who is DOGE?

What is DOGE doing?

And what are Democrats
doing about DOGE?

Or in other words--

What's your name?

Tell us your name.

Give me that ID again.

- That's me at McDonald's after
they cut off breakfast at 10:30.

Yes, Maxine Waters wanted
to know what DOGE was doing

at the Department of
Education, because all month,

the Musketeers have had
access to sensitive data

from all sorts of
federal agencies.

They've given them
access to everything.

They got access to everything
but our Walgreen's

reward number.

- Well, he's going to stop
waste, like, the way that wolves

make sure that the
chicken inventory is good.

Yes.

- Your Social Security number
and your tax-- it's not going

to get hacked like the way
DOGE's website got hacked today.

Did you see that?

- Well, apparently,
it wasn't even hacked.

That's literally how
his coders left it.

- Yeah, it was open.
Yeah, it was open.

Yeah, they left
the door wide open.

- Yeah, his boy
genius coders left

it just available for
anybody to just get in there.

And you can see sensitive
information about the National

Reconnaissance Office.

It's fantastic.

- But today they got into the
Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

It's probably fine.

Oh, yes.

- If you're wondering what's
coming next, in the coming days,

DOGE will also be giving
access to sensitive data

at the Pentagon and the
Department of Defense.

What gives Elon Musk the
license to just sniff around

federal finances?

He doesn't have it.

He's doing it anyway.

- One reason, just this week,
Elon's social media company

agreed to pay Donald
Trump $10 million

as a settlement for banning
his account after the January

6 insurrection.

Bonus points-- how much did Meta
pay Trump to say sorry for doing

the exact same thing
to his Facebook page?

$25 million or something.

$25 million over here.

How much do you all think?

It's like mafia guys.

They own whole industries,
but they still can't--

they can't resist selling stuff
out of the trunk of their car.

You know?

The answer is $25 million.

The concern with
Elon's involvement

in all of these politics right
now is that he was not elected.

The White House called Elon
a, quote, "special government

employee," and called
DOGE itself a

"temporary organization."

Elon is just going to come in
and clean up the White House.

What's the Japanese lady
that come clean up all--

Marie Kondo.

Yeah.

He is the government
Marie Kondo.

- The Department of
Education does not spark joy.

- What other title did Elon
Musk take on this week?

Chancellor?

- The man with his hand on the
wheel of the burning Cybertruck

named America changed his
Twitter screen name to Harry

Bolz this week.

Oh, OK.

- These raunchy screen names
could be a bigger part of

DOGE's strategy.

When someone tweeted a DOGE team
member's name, Elon replied,

"You have committed a crime."

But there's one breakout star
from old Harry Bolz's team.

Does anyone know who
this young man is?

Well, he's Big Balls.

- That's Big Balls.
- Big balls.

Everybody knows
who Big Balls is.

Do his real name?

I bet it's Chad or Trey.

- That is 19-year-old Edward
Coristine, better known as--

Big Balls.

- Big Balls.
- Big Balls.

Big Balls.

- You know Rachel Maddow
didn't want to say that shit.

- Coristine is a former
bicycle mechanic and counselor

at something called
Camp Playland.

And the only reason we know any
of that is because of his now

deleted LinkedIn page,
where his username was also,

you guessed it, Big Balls.

Can anyone tell me Big
Balls's current job title?

- I believe he is a senior
advisor at the State Department.

- Big Balls is now a senior
advisor to both the State

Department and the Department
of Homeland Security.

Just to be clear, this
guy is a senior advisor.

He looked like the
Secretary of Vape.

Where are your pants at, Balls?

Now, it's not just Democrats
who are scrambling to address

the balls in the room.

It was father Charles Coristine.

Do you know what he
had to do this week?

- It better not
be something bad.

Roy, I don't know how much
more of this I can do.

- This is the first episode
of the second season.

You know how much bad shit
we got to get through?

Oh, my god.

Isn't Big Balls, Senior--

isn't there some
popcorn business and he

had to disavow his son because
it was hurting his

popcorn business?

- Big Balls's daddy is the
CEO of LesserEvil snacks

who make that--

the fancy Himalayan--

How the fuck?

Oh.

- Yeah, Big Balls' daddy, with
that dude on the bag whose race

you can't guess.

This week, the company sent all
employees an email that read

in part, quote, "In
light of recent events,

we feel compelled to reaffirm
that LesserEvil is in no way

affiliated with any political
figures, political policies,

or political groups.

Our values remain the same
as they've always been--

health, sustainability,
and affordability."

Sincerely, Papa Balls.

This is the biggest popcorn
scandal since Orville

Redenbacher was found
dead in his Jacuzzi

by his building super.

I'm the only one remember
how Orville Redenbacher died?

- I'm just being quiet because
I had something to do with it.

- No, but surely all this sloppy
management of federal data

is too outrageous for the
Democratic Party to tolerate.

What is the Democratic
Party's plan to stop

the steal of the government?

Ooh, absolutely nothing.

- The answer is the
Stop the Steal bill.

You don't see what
the Democrats did?

They took a slogan that the
Republicans been using--

- Very tricky.
- Oh.

- --But then they used it like,
boom, we're going to use it

for a Democrat bill.

Then we're going to hit them
with the Lock Her Up bill.

Now, the bill was introduced
by Chuck Schumer and

Hakeem Jeffries.

And it might be a little bit
more exciting if Congressman

Jeffries hadn't have said this.

What leverage do we have?

That's not how you--

you're supposed to
know people hype.

You propose the bill and
then you go, all right, we

got the bill, and we're
going to get the bill,

and we're going to go across the
aisle and talk to the people.

He was like, hey,
y'all know what it is.

We fucked.

All right.

Michael and Andy--
- Yes.

-watch the clip.

Tell me, what's the story.

Cabinets?

Oh, cabinets.

I already know.
- Cabinets.

- Oh, but now I'm lost.
A worm?

- Oh, that's a worm.
- Ooh, a brain worm.

That's probably a brain worm.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Yes, There's everybody fleeing
the Department of Education.

Yes?
- Yup.

Yup.

No school ever.

And there is our president.

So this seems to be the
story about the cabinets

and the cabinet
picks, the brain worm,

the Department of
Education, and the fact

that Trump is just having his
way with utterly unqualified

people to come in and
do whatever they want.

Absolutely.

- There are shitty, horrible
people going to be running

from the White House.

Give 'em a chance, Andy.

- Points for both of you.
Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Correct.

Hooray!

It's all on fire.

- The story is, President
Trump's unconfirmable crew

of cabinet nominees getting
confirmed by the Senate.

On Wednesday, Tulsi Gabbard
was confirmed as Director

of National Intelligence.

Question.

What makes Tulsi Gabbard
uniquely unqualified

to coordinate the intelligence
community and prevent

another 9/11?

- Is it that she's
been credibly accused

of being a Russian asset?

- Intelligence experts said that
the new head of US intelligence,

quote, "lacked experience in
the field, embraced Russian

conspiracy theories, and showed
sympathy for dictators like

Vladimir Putin and Assad."

She does have that cool
witch hair, though.

You gotta give her that.

She look like one of them
sexy professors at Hogwarts.

So the Senate confirmed
Gabbard by a vote of 52 to 48,

with one Republican
Senator voting no.

Who was the lone dissenter?

- It was Mitch
McConnell, wasn't it?

- Sure was.
- Sure was.

- Is it me, or is
Mitch McConnell

voting different since
he fell up them stairs?

- He decided to stop smoking in
bed when the house is already

burned down.

Like, it's too late now, Mitch.

Did you say Mitch?

Wait, you say bitch or Mitch?

Both work.

- I have a cold, so
it could be either.

- Shortly after
Tulsi was sworn in,

Trump made a significant
geopolitical announcement.

After a phone call
with Vladimir Putin,

Trump shocked Europe with
an avalanche of concessions

to Russia over Ukraine.

And Secretary of Defense
Pete Hegseth made it clear

that Ukraine will not
join NATO and Ukraine

can forget about
regaining Crimea.

This could get bad.

At some point, they're going
to try and lock up Zelenskyy.

Yeah, yeah.

- Now, the comedy show
is in that gulag going

to be off the chain.

This week, the associated Press
was banned from the Oval Office

press pool for not acknowledging
a recent Trump mandated

name change.

What was the name change?

Gulf of America.

- Gulf of Mexico to
the Gulf of Big Balls.

- Now, this week, House
Republicans submitted a bill

that would enable Trump
to change another name.

Oh, boy.

What name was it?

- Oh, this was actually
submitted by my Congressman.

I am a proud resident
of Savannah, Georgia.

And my Congressman, Earl Buddy--

I don't know his last name.

Buddy.

He proposed a congressional
bill to rename Greenland as Red,

White and Blueland.

- The GOP bill would let Trump
change the name of Greenland

to Red, White and Blueland.

- Are we allowed to
name other countries?

Is that a thing we're
allowed to do now?

- Yeah, I want to
call France Kenny.

- Freshly confirmed Attorney
General Pam Bondi's DOJ is

already making fresh
moves, including ordering

federal prosecutors in New
York to drop corruption charges

against New York City
Mayor Eric Adams.

Give him a chance.

He's only been in
office three years.

Why does this whole Eric Adams
debacle-- why does it seem

like quid pro quo?

Because it is.

Yeah.

- The acting US attorney,
who was a Republican,

a former Scalia clerk,
resigned in protest

at being told to fire--

to drop the indictment
against Adams.

And she basically said
that, in the meeting,

she was told essentially by
the Deputy Attorney General

that we need Adams to carry
out our immigration policy.

And that's why we
want to let them go.

- It's said that Mayor Adams has
agreed to make major concessions

with Trump's Border Czar.

Here's the two of them laughing
about the quids and the quos.

- If he doesn't come through,
I'll be back in New York City.

And we won't be
sitting on a couch.

I'll be in his office up--

up his butt saying,
where the hell

is the agreement we came to?

- Look at the way he's laughing,
the most nervous laughter.

- Look, I don't know
lawyer words, George.

The charges are set up
are like, all right,

we ain't going to see you
in the jail right now.

But if you don't do
what we say to do,

boy, we're going to bring
them charges back on your ass.

- There's a word for
that-- extortion.

- I just thought it was
called the hook up, but OK.

On Thursday, the Senate
confirmed RFK Jr.--

--as Head of Health
and Human Services.

What in RFK Jr.'s
confirmation hearing

made it crystal clear that RFK
Jr. should not be in charge

of our nation's public
health agencies?

Every word out of his mouth?

- He said a lot of crazy stuff
at that confirmation hearing.

Here's just two-- just two of
my favorite things he said.

- Show me a single statement
I've made about science that

is erroneous.

- Did you say Lyme disease
is a highly likely militarily

engineered bioweapon?

I probably did say that.

Every Republican Senator
voted yes, except for one.

Who was the one
who said, RFK Jr.--

I'm going to guess.

- --you can't be in charge
of the Health and shit?

- Did the guy who didn't
want RFK to be in charge

of our American health system,
is that the same guy who had

polio as a child?

- It was polio survivor
Mitch McConnell.

Hashtag resisting once again.

Yeah.

That's all right,
Mitch McConnell.

Take a stand.

Somebody get Mitch
McConnell a pussy hat

so when he fall again--

it'll be soft.

It'll be soft, man.

I like old Mitch, man.

He's turning the corner.

Is it just me, or
is Mitch McConnell

voting different since
that reboot that one time?

He was having a
reckoning with himself.

He also racked up a bill.

So, you know--

He's still going to hell.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Just having fun
with him a little bit.

But all hope is not lost.

How are the Democrats
fighting back?

Amber had it right before.

They're not doing anything.

Is that right?

Is it?

Say it's not.

Roy.

- They're doing something.
- Oh, OK.

Great.

It's going to be effective.

Everybody put your feet up.

This is going to be great.

Hey, Bud.

What are they doing?

- Here's Senate Minority
Leader, Chuck Schumer.

We will win.

We will win, we will win.

I feel better already.

We'll be right back.

Silence!

Welcome back.

It's time for "Lie Curious."

The rules are very, very simple.

I give you three biographical
details about a public figure,

but only one is true.

You have to guess
which one is the truth

and which are filthy,
dirty, nasty lies.

Let's get started.

Time for three facts about the
marvelous Miss Measles herself--

Cheryl Hines--

Oh, boy.

--seen here wishing she'd been
more specific when she put

"marry a Kennedy" on her
childhood vision board.

Our facts about Cheryl Hines
are, she was Burt Reynolds

dog walker.

Ooh!

- She's the heir to the
Duncan Hines cake mix fortune.

She was attacked by an emu.

Which is the truth?

- I want her to be
attacked by an emu so bad.

- You wanna go with that?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, let's go with that.
- Yay!

- Because it's the fun answer.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Emu on that side.

What we got over here?

- It's not the
Duncan Hines, so it--

- Wait, how do you know--
- Let's go with Burt Reynolds.

- Wait, how do you know
it's not the Duncan Hines?

- I-- my faith in
God is telling me.

- All right, we're going to go
with Burt Reynolds dog walker.

Burt Reynolds dog walker.

- Cheryl Hines was regularly
attacked by RFK Jr.'s pet emu.

According to the New
York Times quote,

"The emu, Toby, was
jealous of Miss Hines,

and took to charging
at her violently.

And she started carrying
a shovel in self-defense

whenever she stepped outside.

Honestly, carrying a
shovel in self-defense

is a good strategy for
anybody married to a Kennedy.

Now, as horrific as all
of this sounds, a bird

attacking a woman, it sounds
very polite and sweet when you

hear RFK Jr. explain it.

- He was a little
bit imprinted on me.

It would swim in the
pool and do laps with me.

And if I came up to it, it would
roll over and let me stroke

its breast.

- Oh, he was fucking
that big ass chicken.

He said breast,
and then he-- uhh.

Stroking its-- uhh.

He could have said chest.

He could have said the wings.

But he said titties.

It's wild!

- Time now for three facts about
Fox News anchor, Bret Baier.

Oh!

- Our facts are, he eats
onion dip for breakfast.

He knows every word
to "Rapper's Delight."

He does his own TV makeup.

Talk it out over here.

- I bet you he knows every
word to "Rapper's Delight."

That feels so right, right?

It feels so try hard.

Yeah.

- He eats onion
dip for breakfast.

I know that for a fact.

He has to.

It would make me so happy.

Did you sleep with Bret Baier?

Is that how you know what
he eats for breakfast?

I do what I want.

You don't know me.

All right, the answer--

Bret Baier knows every
word to "Rapper's Delight."

And yes, there's video.

-hippie.

The hip, hip, a-hop and
you don't stop a-rockin'

To the bang, bang the boogie,
say up jump the boogie

To the rhythm of
the boogie the beat.

Come on.

- A-skidlee bop,
scoo-bop, scooby-doo.

That's right,
America, we love you.

- That's the halftime
show Donald Trump wanted.

- That's going to be headlining
the Kennedy Center any day now.

Bret Baier-- My Life in Rap.

- Time now for three
facts about Cardi B.

Oh!

Yay!

- Our facts are, she worked as
a cashier at an Amish market.

She does the South Bronx
polar bear plunge every year.

She performed "WAP" at Michelle
Obama's 60th birthday party.

- Andy, are you familiar
with the song WAP?

I sure am.

I think it's the third one.
- OK, what about over here?

Which one do y'all think
is true about Cardi B?

I hope it's the third one.

- Oh, we hope it's
the third one,

but I hope that
it's the second one!

What if she does the
polar bear plunge?

Picture it.

- I thought the polar bear
plunge was like, on Long

Island somewhere.

For white people?

Oh, on Long Island, yeah.

All right, your answer--

Cardi B worked as a cashier
at an Amish market in Tribeca.

Wow!

- In fact, Cardi credits
her boss at the Amish market

for encouraging her to
get a gig at the strip

club across the street.

- He was just like,
you have a nice body.

I'm telling you.

You should just work,
and you should--

you should work
across the street.

They make so much money.

You look like one
of those girls.

I'm telling you,
you're going to--

He was Turkish.

- So, wait, he
was Turkish Amish?

- Yeah, so we owe that
Amish Turkish man--

we wouldn't have had WAP
without the Amish dude going,

go across the
street, and you know?

Yeah.

Spread your wetness.

Yes.

Cardi did not perform WAP at
Michelle Obama's 60th birthday

party, but there were some big
WAP news in the last few weeks.

What was the big news about WAP?

Oh.

- The big news about WAP was
that our parents now know what

it stands for?

- The big WAP news is a major
free speech victory for

Kimberly Diei.

A former pharmacy student at
the University of Tennessee.

Kimberly won a quarter of
a million dollar settlement

after she was threatened with
expulsion for tweeting, quote,

"I got that WAP he give gwap
so that he can get a lick.

He ain't my pops,
but I call him DAD.

He that dope ass dick."

George, you want
to give it a try?

You want to read that one?
- No.

OK.

You lost me at the emu.

Yeah.

So she got to texting freaky
and got expelled from college.

Here's Kimberly's lawyer
explaining why her First

Amendment rights were violated.

- In Kimberly's case, I've never
seen a pharmacist that was too

sexual to do their job.

- Yeah, but I bet
that's possible.

- He's never gone to from
the window to the Walgreens.

This has been "Lie Curious."

It's time now for
"Missing Words."

Captains, I'm going to give your
team some recent news headlines

with key words cut out, and you
will have to fill in the blank

to give us the full story.

Here's your headline.

These Robots Can Now Move Like--

Jagger.

Oh my god!

Jagger.

I was going to say Jagger.
Yeah.

I've missed you.

- How could it be
anything but Jagger?

- These Robots Can Now Move Like
Cristiano Ronaldo and

LeBron James.

In collaboration with NVIDIA,
scientists at Carnegie Mellon

trained humanoid robots to
replicate the iconic moves

of professional athletes.

Are you ready to see the
future of professional sports?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, LeBron.

LeBron.

Yeah.

That was spot on!

Yeah.

That's LeBron.

He took three steps and
looked for the foul.

Like, that's what
you're supposed to do.

All right.

Here's your next headline--

Big blank Sets Sail from Miami.

Balls.

- That's the only acceptable
answer, I think, this episode.

Balls.

Big Balls set sail from Miami.

- Big Nude Boat Sets
Sail From Miami.

The big nude boat--

- The boat is nude, or
the people on it are nude?

Big Nude Boat 2025--

It's an 11-day clothing optional
Caribbean cruise featuring trips

to San Juan, Saint
Martin, Saint Lucia,

and two stops at the private
nude beach in Great Stirrup Cay.

Stirrup.

- Oh, you can't call
it Stirrup Cay--

That's what it's called.

-on a nude cruise.

- And you go look at the
sunset at Speculum Cove.

You have a good time.

Now, Michael.

I know you're over there trying
to envision the Big Nude Boat,

so let's just give Michael a
picture of the Big Nude Boat.

Ah, yes.

- That is not what
it looks like.

- No.
- You're butt naked.

You're out there.

You're eating your shrimp
charcuterie plate or whatever.

- Being careful of every surface
that someone could sit on.

Correct.

What are some of the activities
on the Big Nude Boat?

Putting your clothes back on?

- The Big Nude Boat
has a nude talent show,

and, of course, a nude
pickleball tournament.

- Oh, boy.
- Yes.

But I think, when
you're butt naked,

ain't every sport pickleball?

And what do you do at
a nude talent show?

Michael, you've been
in a couple of them.

What--

- We've all seen
spinning plates, right?

Yeah.

- Well, at a nude talent
show, which you do--

No!

It's fine.

It's fine.

Now let's make it clear.

If you're a pervert, we don't
want you on the Big Nude

Boat tour.

What are some of the rules that
you think they have in place

to keep down the creepy?

No boners.

That could be true!

Absolutely.

How do you enforce that?

- Same way you keep a cat off
the counter, with a squirt gun.

- Rules on the big nude boat
include, always sit on a towel.

Yep.

- No fondling or
inappropriate touching.

Shucks.

- And no displaying yourself
nude in front of other ships

in port.

That's strictly prohibited.

Also, very important to note
about the Big Nude Boat, quote,

"Clothing is required for all
meals taken in the dining room,

but not required at the
self-serve buffet on the

pool deck."

- That's the place I'm
most concerned about!

Yes, exactly.

They've got a sneeze guard.

They don't have a pube guard.

They just don't!

You lower it.

Don't you just lower
the sneeze guard,

because the balls-- the dander
be coming off the balls.

Unfortunately, the 2025 Big Nude
Cruise is already booked up,

but no registration
for 2026 is open.

I hope it's in Alaska.

Sort of levels the playing
field, if you know what I mean.

That's "Missing Words."

We'll be back after the break.

Welcome back.

It's time for the
Offend-O-Meter We will fire up

the Offend-O-Meter
and teams have

to tell us who's the
offender, what they did,

and who they offended.

Let's begin.

Who is this first offender?

Penny Marshall.

It's Kid Rock, of course.

Oh, Kid Rock.

I'm sorry.

Now, who did Kid Rock offend?

Shampoo.

- Kid Rock offended the audience
last Saturday when he tried

to sing "Proud Mary".

But here's what happened when
he could not get the audience

to clap along with him.

You know what?

Fuck y'all.

You ain't gonna clap?

I'm gone.

- Usually, Kid Rock doesn't
have a problem getting the clap.

I'm shocked.

But there's more Kid
Rock news this week.

- Yay.
- Oh, good.

- Kid Rock was spotted getting
into a cab in Washington DC

at 2:30 in the morning.

Booty call hours.

Who was in the
cab with Kid Rock?

- Well, it was somebody who
loves music and musical

theater specifically.

Definitely.

And loves hand jobs.

Was it Lauren Boebert?

Oh my God.

Was it Lauren Boebert?

I love it here.

- Kid Rock was seen hopping into
a cab at 2:30 in the morning

with Congresswoman
Lauren Boebert.

We got us a new power
couple in DC, baby.

You got Meth Eminem and the
hand-job queen of Colorado.

All right, let's see
the next offender.

Oh.

Ooh.

We know who this offender is.

It's Nazi Hootie.

Yay.

Oh.

That's such a good nickname.

Thank you.

- And who did Nazi
Hootie offend?

- Well, he put one t-shirt on
a website, and the only item

for sale on that website was
this one t-shirt that had

a swastika on it.

Sorry, I said that wrong.

Swastika.

Oh, wait, I got it.

Swastiki.

I love not knowing how
to say it, frankly.

Yeah.

- Kanye offended the Jewish
people with a series of bigoted

tweets in which he said
things like, "I love Hitler"

and "I'm a Nazi."

Then ran a Super Bowl ad
directing people to Yeezy.com

where they were selling $20
t-shirts with swastikas on them.

And my first
thought when I heard

this was, at least somebody is
still selling t-shirts for $20.

You want your
bigotry affordable.

Yeah.

- As far as I can tell, we're
getting our bigotry for free

these days.

A lot of supply.

Actually, a fair amount of
demand, too, now that I think

of it.
- Bonus question.

What came out of the Kanye
t-shirt sales that offended

a bunch of celebrities?

There was no size extra small?

- Somebody posted an
AI-generated ad featuring

celebrities pushing back.

Oh, right.

Wearing an F Kanye t-shirt.

Take a look at this.

That "Hava Nagila"
go hard as hell.

That Hava Nagila sound like
it was produced by Kanye West.

Also, that was the real Woody
Allen in-- in that video.

He was in the video because he
thought AI stand for

adoption incest.

Oh.

- Well, we just set
off the offend-o-meter.

- It was cool to see Simon
and Garfunkel back together.

Yeah, yeah.

That was Offend-O-Meter.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for the Odd One Out.

I'll show you four pictures,
and you have to guess which one

sticks out like JD Vance at
the Strong Jawline Convention.

Here's your first group of four.

We have Usher, Bobby Brown,
Mariah Carey, and Jason Derulo.

Who is the odd one out?

- Jason Derulo because
I've never heard of him.

- I think that the odd man
out is Bobby Brown because me

and Mariah, right?

Usher, Usher, Usher.

And Jason Derulo.

But nobody's singing
Bobby Brown's name.

- Who's the odd one
out over here, Andy?

Which Black person
are you going?

- I was going to say Bobby
Brown because he doesn't have

a meme coin.

I don't know.

That's a good guess.

Don't say it like a question.

Stand on that shit.

- Thank you, Amber.
- Stick up for yourself.

- Thank you for believing
in me more than I do.

But to be fair,
I know me better.

- The odd one out
is Bobby Brown.

Mariah Carey, Usher, and
Derulo have all, at some point,

listened to their own
music while having sex.

Oh.

- You're telling me Bobby
Brown has never listened

to "My Prerogative"
while fucking?

- You're telling me Bobby Brown
has never listened to "Please

Don't Go Girl" while fucking?

- I think it's perfectly normal
if you're creative to have sex

to your stuff.

I've been doing that.

Like, my new comedy special
on Hulu Lonely Flowers.

Bonus question.

According to her ex, Nick
Cannon, what song did she

and Nick Cannon make love to?

"Butterfly", final answer.

OK, over here?

- Am I required to know any
Mariah Carey song to answer

this question?
- OK, never mind.

OK.
- Just say the National Anthem.

The National Anthem.

Yeah.

- Nick and Mariah Carey once
had sex while she sang "Hero".

Wait, she was singing it live?

- No, no, no, she
played the track.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

OK.

That would be dope, though.

- That's what I thought
you were saying.

And I was into that.

That would be nice.

- And then
a hero comes along.

- I mean, it's right
there in the lyrics.

It'd be great.

OK, here's your next group.

We have Nicolas Cage, Vin
Diesel, Scarlett Johansson,

and Rami Malek.

- Is it that Scarlett
Johansson, what's her face,

and the other man--

--all have wax figurines at
Madame Tussauds and Rami

Malek doesn't?

- You go to wax
museums like that?

You'd be at Tussauds like that?

- You know how many pictures
I have with Bob Marley?

- Nicholas Cage I feel like
has played Elvis in a movie.

Like a singer.

Rami Malek played
Freddie Mercury.

Now the question is, did
Scarlett Johansson or Vin Diesel

ever play famous
singers in movies?

Audience?

No.

- You're not allowed
to ask the audience.

Nobody said I couldn't ask.

- The odd one out
is Nicolas Cage.

Vin Diesel, Scarlett
Johansson and Rami Malek

are all twins while Nicolas Cage
only played twins in adaptation.

Wow.

- Nicolas Cage also played twins
in the 2019 revenge thriller

Fatal Target, which is
a movie I just made up.

Or did I?

It feels like a Nicolas
Cage movie, doesn't it?

That was Odd One Out.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for Meet
in the Middle,

where we find common ground
between two people who would

never be caught
hanging out together.

On one side, we have Reverend
Doctor Martin Luther King

Junior, Travis Kelce, Oscar
Isaac, and Rudy Giuliani.

On the other side, there's Peter
Dinklage, Sharon Stone, Albert

Einstein, and Paddington Bear.

First up, we've
got all horned up.

Which two of these people
were once in ska bands?

Probably wasn't MLK.

- I bet it's Oscar Isaac
and Peter Dinklage.

I want to say Sharon Stone.

Do you think that's
too crazy to say?

I want to say that's stupid.

So's ska.

Fair point.

Whoa.

- No, thank you,
discount reggae.

- The answer is Oscar
Isaac and Peter Dinklage.

Yes.

Dinklage played trumpet and
sang in a band named Wizzy

in the '90s, and Oscar
Isaac played guitar and sang

in the group The
Blinking Underdogs.

Take a look at old Isaac.

When
he sees me

I was once so confused

OK, you're right.

It is discount reggae.

All right, next up,
we've got freshman 15.

Which two of these people both
starred at college when they

were just 15 years old?

- I think Sharon
Stone and I think MLK.

I think Einstein and MLK.

- No love for
Giuliani on college?

No love for Giuliani, period.

- And by the way,
he was never 15.

- I'm going to say
Sharon Stone and MLK.

- The answer is Martin Luther
King Jr. And Sharon Stone.

Oh.

Whoa.

- Doctor King was only 15 years
old when he started at Morehouse

College as an early
admission student,

and Sharon Stone was also
15 at Edinboro University

on a creative
writing scholarship.

Yes, we all know the character
in Basic Instinct was a writer.

That's why we remember
that character.

Right.

- Let's do creeper
by the cousin.

Giuliani.

- Would you like the
description of the category?

Don't need it.

I heard creeper.
Giuliani.

That's right.

He did marry his cousin,
so that's gotta be right.

- Which two of these people
kept it in the family

by marrying their cousins?

- It's Giuliani and
it's Paddington.

It's fine if it's Paddington.

He's a bear.

Right.

That's normal in bear life.

But now, Giuliani
should be ashamed.

OK.

- So I'm going to say Giuliani,
and it has to be Einstein, no?

- Rudy Giuliani
and Albert Einstein

both married their cousins.

Rudy's first wife was
his second cousin,

and Einstein's second
wife was his first cousin.

- And that's how he came up
with the theory of relativity.

Oh.

Was it that obvious?

Was it that obvious?

- E equals MC and the MC stand
for, damn, girl you fine.

No, MC is my cousin.

Yeah.

Or that.

Or that.

- Unfortunately, we didn't
get to Travis and Paddington,

but of course, they
both love bucket hats

and are both going to be
hiding out in Peru for a while.

More after the break.

Welcome back.

We're going to play a
game called Who Said It?

I'll give you a quote and you
tell me if it came from someone

who's in the news or from
a character on Mad Men.

Here's the quote.

"If I'm going to die, I
want to die in Manhattan."

All right.

Who said it?

Was it Pete Campbell
or Rudy Giuliani?

- I'm going to go
with Pete Campbell.

- I want to say Rudy, because
he's just crazy enough to say

if I'm going to die.

Yeah.

That's a great guess, George,
but it is a quote from Pete

Campbell, or as Rudy calls
Pete, hairline goals.

Also, we already
know if Rudy die,

he ain't going to
stay in Manhattan.

They going to take that
corpse down to Georgia.

He owe them women everything.

Including his bones.

Them election workers?
You know the ones.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

All right, here's the quote.

"We have a generation of
kids who are swimming around

in a toxic soup right now."

Peggy Olson or RFK Junior?

RFK.

It's got to be RFK, right?

Except that-- is that what
they want us to think, Andy?

- I honestly don't
care that much.

I don't either.

- We're going to go with Peggy
Olson just because you didn't.

Right.

- It is a quote from
RFK Junior, who I'd

like to think of as the
Peggy Olson of the Trump

administration.
- That's right.

That's right.
- That's fair.

Yeah.

RFK's new toxic soup recipe will
be featured on Diners, Drive

Ins, and Dead Animals
on the Freeway.

I want to thank our guests
tonight, George Conway and

Andy Richter.

And, of course, thank you to
our team captains, Amber Ruffin

and Michael Ian Black.

Before we sign off, here are a
few more stories we're watching.

Politician finds someone
new to blame his farts on.

In honor of Valentine's Day,
local man promises to screw

his hometown real good.

Trump pardons.

Over 1,600 Dick Tracy villains.

I'm Roy Wood Jr. I'll see you
next week for another episode

of Have I Got News for You?

And remember, there's still
two people stranded in space.

Good night.