Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(CREATURE SCREECHING) (EERIE CHORAL MUSIC)

(PANTING)

(BOTH GASP)

(ON PHONE) 'Hi, it's Wendy. Leave a message.

Or don't. Gracias!' (PHONE BEEPS)

SEAMUS: Why did you do that, Wendy? I mean what the shitting hell?

I did what you wanted, I confessed,

I told everyone and you...

you made me look like a crazy person.

(TROMBONE PLAYING MELANCHOLIC MELODY)

Do you have any idea

how awful that feels?

To have your own friends look at you like that?

Rotten. It feels rotten, Wendy.

You're a very mean person.

♪ THE BONK: Future 87 ♪

♪ It all happened

♪ By accident

♪ Bodies without names intersect the planes

♪ Of their strange vector beams

♪ Europe is

♪ Incontinent

(JAZZY INSTRUMENTAL DROWNS OUT LYRICS)

BOTH: Oh...

There's our little space man. How's the gravity treating you, Da?

Better than the bloody hangover. Yeah, I didn't know whether

to let you sleep on or phone the CIA.

Yesterday was mad. What with Joanne going missing

and getting half concussed by Betty Battles,

who knows what any of us were saying at the end of it?

Well, we know.

Because the videos and whatnot.

Yeah, the videos where you say, fairly clearly,

that you were abducted by aliens.

Pfft.

My big mouth.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(CHUCKLES) Ah, what a night though.

Who took the video? (SCOFFS)

There's no video, Da. I wish. (LAUGHS)

Ah, here she is now, the tattooed lady.

Literally my first tattoo.

Was it painful, Jo-Jo? Literally my last tattoo.

Insane to me how people allow this pain to happen on their faces.

Yeah, well most don't get any. Well, it's done now.

Look, I like the intention, the rebellion.

I'm just not too sure about the subject matter.

Don't you like my name? No, I do,

but I also liked having my own.

I mean, Proctor. (CHUCKLES)

It sounds like a rectal probe, doesn't it?

(CHUCKLES) Great. Thanks, Mammy.

Well, I'd better go.

The day won't live itself.

Good for you. I thought you'd spend the day in hiding.

I know I would. The week.

Good one.

It's OK, Daddy.

Everyone says stupid things in the pub.

That's what they're for. Aye.

You meant it though.

Last night.

Aye.

(SIGHS)

WENDY: I mean he has sex with his mother now.

That's quite a big character adjustment.

Yeah, well, how exciting for him.

I mean isn't that what good actors do,

they adjust their characters? Yeah.

That's what good actors do. Wendy, look, the studio's worried

that casting an unknown in the lead role is risky as shit.

And you know what, they're right.

But his co-star's a legend in the indie movie world.

Maybe 20 years ago she was. Big Jim

is a formidable screen presence,

and a positive local news story for the launch.

Audiences need profile or passion. You know the old movie rule.

Give me a face or... Give me a dick.

And if I learned anything from

season two of Anne Boleyn, The Single Years,

it's that if you show an audience a corset,

they expect to see some intercourse.

Your writer, the esteemed Jack E. McCarthy,

seems more than happy with the new change in direction.

Yeah, that was surprising.

He's playing very loosey-goosy with his own book.

Well, maybe he trusts our instincts on drama.

Is he aware that our biggest show last season was

"Catfishing with Cleopatra"? Hey, it's history with a twist!

Right? That's the ID of our USP.

Has the actor even been informed of the new direction?

Ah, well that's where a good producer comes in.

However, if you're out of your depth... Got it, Brad.

Isn't your writer arriving shortly?

I'm sure he can walk him through the changes

if you're not feeling up to it. (DOG BARKING)

Oh, fucking piss off. Excuse me?!

Piss off, you pig-eared prick! Hey. What did you...?

Yeah, go suck those liver treats. Yeah, suck it!

Liver treats? (CHUCKLES) Sorry, Brad.

Not for you. Dogs. You're not a pig-eared prick.

Thanks, Wendy. I'll call you back.

Sorry. I see you've learned the magic trick.

Food? Yeah, real fuckin' magic.

That was a wild night last night.

Yeah. In my line of work,

I meet people who are willing to say all kinds of shite

given an audience, usually me, but...

I have to admit...

Dr Proctor never struck me as a liar.

He has his moments.

(PHONE BUZZING) I'll leave you to it.

Enjoy your smoke and if you need more, you know where to find me.

Shelly?

For what it's worth,

you're not wrong about the doctor.

Keep trusting your gut, you'll need it.

Right. OK...

I mean, I knew you were well travelled but... wow.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Colonel! Sanders! (PHONE BUZZES)

Let's get you home, you pig-eared prick.

All you had to do was say yes.

Everything you said about being abducted by aliens was correct.

(CAR HORN BEEPS) My family don't know what to think.

(ENGINE APPROACHES)

There's a new look in my wife's eyes that can only be described

as shame. Or amusement.

Which is hard to take given all she usually gives me is indifference.

Call me.

(PA SYSTEM CHIMES)

♪ THIN LIZZY: Cowboy Song ♪

(WHISTLING ALONG)

I've heard he's much taller in person, the inelegant prick.

Mr McCarthy. - Eh! - Welcome.

Thank you, what's your name?

Jules. Jill?

Jules. Jules? Sorry, sorry.

Very fancy. I shall call you Sparkles.

Sparkles, would you mind holding onto my case while I go for a wizz?

The plane was awash with artisanal gin.

♪ Riding in the rodeo

♪ The cowboy's life is the life for me ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Sorry to disturb you, Ms Proctor.

I seem to have ran out of chalk.

I don't suppose I could, er... Look at this shit.

(GASPS) I mean it's kind of funny, no?

Jane Henderson told me her homework's been abducted by aliens.

(LAUGHS)

Mad how quickly a drunken story can spread in this town.

Exactly, but Seamus doesn't even drink. Anymore.

This is getting embarrassing.

Maybe you guys should try, like...

marriage therapy or something.

Doesn't feel like you're in the mood for my funny quips.

Maybe not right now.

Are you in the mood for anything else?

Oh, just...

text me later, Matt.

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

Yeah, we've had a few cancellations I'm afraid.

So I see.

I doubt it has anything to do with your...

No, me neither. ...alien abduction revelation.

OK, then. Hey, but since it's so quiet,

why don't we head to the pub for lunch?

Um, no, you go ahead.

Wouldn't wanna get in the way of you flirting with Shelly.

(SCOFFS) Who's flirting with Shelly?

No, you go on.

I'll watch the phones. Not that anyone's calling.

Er, someone did actually call earlier.

Oh, er, said they had, like, a pain in their chest.

Er, I think I made a note. Oh, yeah?

What, a tightness or palpitations?

No, it didn't go away for a while,

so they lay flat on a table to relieve the pain

and then, from nowhere,

a terrifying baby alien exploded out of their chest and then ran away.

Sounds painful.

Referred by, er, Dr Ripley? Ah.

Star Wars? Alien.

Alien.

Good one.

(BREATHING DEEPLY) Oh, fuck.

(CHUCKLES)

Argh! (LAUGHS) (LOCALS CHEER)

Ah! (CHEERING)

(SPUTTERS)

Sorry! I just took a bite out another plastic apple!

That's fine. We can cut away before he makes that stupid face.

Cut!

Sorry, Zak. It tastes alright.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

Ah, oh, I'm so sorry about that, Zak.

Yes, but you said that last time. You see changes with script?

Oh, yeah, no, I saw the new script with, er, different colours.

I just assumed that somebody in the office got a bit bored.

Ah. You sleep with mother now, yeah?

- What, sorry? - You have met the actress who plays your mother?

No, I-I've not actually met Miss Rowlands yet,

but I grew up watching her on TV.

I just think she's gonna make a brilliant Brigid.

WENDY: Yeah, right over here.

♪ SCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS: I Put A Spell On You ♪

It's just this way. Quite a bit of mud there.

(CHUCKLES) OK, just here.

♪ I put a spell on you...

Sorry to interrupt, but can I just quickly

introduce you to Jemima Rowlands?

Oh.

You're not anti-smoking, are you?

Er, hello there! No, no, no, no. (LAUGHS)

S-Smoke your little heart out.

(GIGGLES) I just, er...

Oh, I just can't believe I'm actually meeting you in the flesh.

Or that I'm playing your son, like.

About that, Big Jim... You are a big fellow, aren't you?

Has someone talked you through the script changes?

It's nothing major. Just a little massaging.

There was some concern on the studio's side that the story was

getting a little... domestic. Not all your fault.

So we've just added a little heat here and there, easy fix.

Cool. Yeah, cool, cool. Yeah, cool.

Oh, in relation to the dynamic

between your character, An Dagda, and the goddess, Brigid.

His mother, yeah.

Well... We fuck now.

Each other? You sleep with mother now, yeah?

One second, Zak. Jim...

Big Jim. The writer's on route to set

and will happily talk you through any of the massaging.

Yeah, plenty of massaging.

Can we get An Dagda ready for a take please? Shooting in two!

So... So not your son, then?

Son with benefits, maybe.

("I PUT A SPELL ON YOU" RESUMES)

(PHONE BUZZING)

♪ Because you're mine... ♪

(BUZZING STOPS)

Patrick Kavanagh country out here, of course.

Stoney grey soil, stoney grey sky.

Stoney grey faces.

You can certainly understand why he didn't write any musicals.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) Yes.

("YES SIR, I CAN BOOGIE" BY THE FRATELLIS PLAYING ON RADIO)

I have to ask you about your luggage.

Do you indeed?

Are you a fan of Japan?

Cats? Both, huh?

Due to budget cuts, our friends at customs and excise

only have time to check one out of every 46 suitcases

for illegal contraband.

One in 46.

They say it's random but it's not.

Lad at Heathrow told me they check the most suspicious suitcases,

as one would, so the question then becomes,

if you only have time to check one out of every 46 suitcases

for ecstasy, would you pick that one?

♪ I can boogie ♪ Boogie-woogie

♪ All night long...

♪ Oh, yes, sir... ♪ (SONG CONTINUES FAINTLY)

I don't think it's your appendix, Niall.

What level of discomfort are you experiencing?

Er...

well, this experience is about a four.

I wasn't asking for a Yelp review.

But I must admit, four is disappointing.

But what you experienced seems like an 11, Doc.

(LAUGHS) Can you give me something for that?

I thought you wanted something for the pain.

I just want whatever you're on.

Now, what was it? LSD? Peyote?

Or did you just find a cheeky wee patch of shrooms?

Mm? (CHUCKLES)

Two paracetamol?! Thanks for your business, Niall.

Well, maybe I will write a Yelp review.

One Yelp, that's all I'm giving you.

One Yelp.

I treated you for chicken pox, twice!

(DOOR SLAMS)

I thought you said we had cancellations?

And folks just kept turning up, I don't even think they're sick.

(SIGHS) Are there any messages?

I'm waiting for someone to return a call.

Er, yeah. Someone called and asked you to phone them at home.

Did you get a number?

No, they just said phone home. Um...

(IN ET'S VOICE) GP phone home!

(CHUCKLES)

This is why...

This is why I lied for all those years.

To avoid this exact situation.

This is my worst nightmare.

I'm the town joke because of you.

Hoo-hoo!

Jack! Wendy, darling.

- Darling? - From the great Peter Pan, Wendy Darling.

Of course, yes. It is so nice to finally meet you in person.

I'm a big fan of your work.

Well, I am also a big fan of your work.

Really? You know my work? I know that you bought my book

and that just screams "smart cookie" to me.(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

The page has legs.

All that straw!

A quick reminder that all the food in here is non-edible.

Copy that. I love the script changes.

Well, I love that you love the script changes.

Er, personally, I always felt

that being the mother of the God of Agriculture,

there was a believability concern,

at best?

Age wise.

Totally. Lamb dressed as mutton, Jemima.

I mean, we're talking about the star of "We Did It On The Tube" here.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! And now your relationship

is less of a typical maternal, blah blah.

Yawn. And yes, the new pages do include,

er, a couple of rather intimate scenes.(PHONE BUZZING)

"Orgasmic unison." Yeah. That's, er...

That's full-on intimate. But what is intimacy really?

I watch pornography.

Ad nauseam. Ad fucking nauseam.

But I see no intimacy.

Only contempt.

And is it any wonder we have to dredge through our listless lives,

forever burdened by losing our one true love

before we've even learnt how to love?

You mean... like... our mothers?

Bingo. If we're going down that route,

er, I should say that I got some wonderful notices

for a production I did of Oedipus Rex at the National in 2008.

It was with, um...

Oh! One of the Spiderman boys.

Ooh! Well, I'm not looking

to pursue incest, per se.

I-I'd like the romance to feel nascent,

yet ancient, like primitive foreplay.

(BANGING ON TABLE) We use this table for the sex.

A banquet of lust! I love it, Zak!

(LAUGHS) You cheeky little pervert.

(GIGGLES) Banquet of lust.

Is that historically accurate, yeah?

(LAUGHS) I suppose we'll find out!

(CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS) Dad, Barry Battles is here.

Look, he doesn't have an appointment but...

Tell him to feck off.

Hiya, Barry. Hiya, Seamie.

That's some crowd in your waiting room.

I think I saw a Tardis in there.

Might be looking for the wrong doctor. What's up, Barry?

Bad news.

After prolonged talks,

the Committee to Bring Filming to Drumban

have opted to let you go.

But that's good news.

Because I resigned from it, happily, remember?

I fought for you, Seamie. I wish you hadn't, Barry.

But the tide of committee opinion has turned after...

your outburst.

(SIGHS)

How are you feeling, Seamie?

A bit weird since you put your hand on my shoulder, Barry.

No need to reply right now.

I just wanted to say hi.

Hi, Barry.

I think that's for texts. Come on to fuck, you dumb yoke.

Are you having suicidal troughs?

Wait, what's a suicidal trough? Thoughts?

Oh, aye, that's it. Are ye? Having...

suicidal thoughts?

Well, not yet, but the day is young. Or feelings of shelf-loathing, no?

(SIGHS) Barry. I've a room full of patients here,

and this going really badly.

So, if you don't mind...

Er, what do you value in your life?

Closed doors.

So?

What are you gonna do?

You gonna keep hiding in here

or should I just send the waiting room away home?

Start sending them in, Sonny.

Dr Proctor leaves no sick patient behind.

They're not sick, I think they just wanna ask you about aliens.

Right, well,

when a healthy person wants to ask about aliens,

Dr Proctor has the answers.

(CLOCK TICKING)

Well, that's hard to say, Rory.

Just give me your best assessment, Doctor.

Well, I'd say the spaceship was about the size of a...

a single-storey home, give or take.

Like a bungalow? A bungalow, exactly.

And this was on the night - of the Millenium, Doctor? - Yep.

On the stroke of midnight.

I suppose that makes me the Cinderella of alien abductions.

The funny thing is, Wendy,

I think you've actually done me a favour.

I've kept this secret for so long

and now it's like this huge weight has been lifted.

So, when you say bungalow,

do you mean a traditional two-bed or are we talking conservatory, Seamie?

No. Classic bungalow, but from space.

No extension? No attic conversion?

Just bog-standard bungalow?

Well, it's hard to call it bog-standard

when you're talking about a flying craft from an alien world.

But... yeah, bog-standard bungalow.

So then, do you think we're the more advanced species?

Since we have stairs?

What was I afraid of all these years?

Why'd I keep it bottled up?

I thought you'd ruined my life but...

you know, maybe this is a good thing.

Maybe it's a great thing.

I feel less trapped

by secrets and shame.

I feel free because of you.

And that's why I wanted to leave you a message, Wendy.

To say thank you.

Thank you.

Fuck off!

Bloody telemarketers. Ah.

Need a coffee, boss?

Mi scusi, Wendy, er, is there a scene I'm missing

involving a medieval gimp?

That's Connor from VFX.

He's the physical stand-in for An Dobhar Chu, the water hound.

Oh! Gotcha.

Looking good, Hound Dog!

Thanks. You are?

This is our esteemed writer. Jack E. McCarthy.

Feeling under-dressed now.

Nice to meet you, Jackie. No.

No. Jack E.

The E stands for Eddie.

Is it the first day, is it?

Well, I've been in training for six months so... not exactly.

In training? To replicate

the movement of the water hound in a realistic way.

But isn't it... mythical?

I'm missing your point.

How do you replicate the movement of something that didn't exist?

And where do you think King Kong lived and worked?

Feels like he was fond of New York.

Keep your eyes on the VFX monitors.

ZAK: Playback please! (STUDIO BELL RINGS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Ooh, there he goes now.

Oh, you'd have to have the right knees for that.

Oh, nimble little fella.

(CONNOR ROARS)

ZAK: Cut!

The studio wants a merchandise tie-in for kids

so we're hoping that Connor's gonna bring it to life.

(STUDIO BELL RINGS) How exciting for life.

And, as executive producers,

you and I will obviously get a cut of the merchandise sales.

How exciting for us.

(ROARS)

I fucking dig it, Connor!

You're like, er, a flexible wee ferret.

That's, er, one of my inspiration creatures.

(PANTS) Tried-and-tested process.

I also used, as a physical blueprint,

Clifford the Big Red Dog and the lower body for George

in Peppa Pig Cheats at School Sports Day.

Missed that one. But can I just say, Connor,

I think that you should go full method.

You know, sleeping in the woods, catching perch.

That type of commitment really elevates a performance.

Yeah?

I heard Andy Serkis moved into the London Zoo

to prepare for Planet of the Apes. (GASPS)

Yeah, yeah.

("A SPACEMAN CAME TRAVELLING" BY CHRIS DE BURGH PLAYS FAINTLY)

Shel, how's that pint coming?

Well, it's either half full or half empty,

depending on how optimistic you're feeling.

Regardless of optimism, my pint should be getting VIP treatment.

Sure, this place would still be half dead

if it wasn't for meself and the legendary committee.

Oh, it's busy as fuck, alright. We brought the mountain to Mohammed,

and we'll keep bringing it.

But now Mohammed would like a pint.

I don't think he was much of a drinker.

Not with this sort of service. All done, just need a signature.

(SIGHS)

Where you going now? Da has to sign it.

It's still his name over the feckin' door.

Well, my optimism is waning.

Dad?

It's really busy downstairs. Yep, I know.

I can hear. I need your autograph again.

Those groupies of yours are relentless.

♪ A long way from here

♪ And I bring a message

♪ For mankind to hear

♪ And suddenly the sweetest...

Shall I close the door behind me?

That's the way they work.

♪ And it went la-la-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

♪ Peace and goodwill to all men

♪ And love for the child... ♪

There's talk of a beast. They whisper the name Dobarchu.

Do you believe it, An Dagda?

Believe? What does it matter what we believe?

An Dagda will hunt it, and if it be real,

An Dagda will find it...

and An Dagda

will tame it.

(MYTHICAL MUSIC)

ZAK: OK.

We start kiss by horse chair here,

then you clean her feet to here.

Oh, I think he wants you to sweep me off my feet.

Er, got yous, aye. Then...

more kiss-kiss on table,

as camera moves around to see...

Mama on the loose! Ah!

Ooh-hoo! (CHUCKLES)

Gotcha. (LAUGHS)

In terms of the... (COUGHS SOFTLY)

WENDY: The...

The physicality. The physicality, right.

And the, er... the nudity and whatnot.

Right. So, normally we would have

an intimacy coordinator on set

that would deal with any of the actor's discomfort

but because we didn't know

that this relationship was of this nature...

Fresh. Um...

we didn't hire anyone... It'll... It'll be fine.

Um, we're all...

big boys and girls.

Yeah. No, sure it'll be grand. (STUDIO BELL RINGS)

Er, it's all make-believe anyway, isn't it?

(CREW MEMBER SHOUTS) (SCOFFS)

It's fun. It's fun stuff.

OK, are you sure? Yeah, yeah.

I'm just... I'm just happy to be here.

My old pal, Allie de Botton,

used to say that intimacy is the capacity

to be rather weird with someone

and to find out that that's OK with them.

To be weird?

Get freaky, An Dagda.

Unleash the power of the God of Fertility.

And Agriculture.

Gotcha.

Will do. He's no fuckin' Brando.

And be super sexy.

Yeah? (STUDIO BELL RINGS)

(CREW MEMBER SHOUTS)

("WAP" BY CARDI B PLAYING ON SPEAKER)

Hey, thingy, pause music.

(SONG CONTINUES)

Stop music.

Volume zero!

Halt music!

Stoppa an ceoil!

(BUTTON BEEPS) (MUSIC STOPS)

What are you doing?

Haven't made my pizzas in ages.

What is going on with you?

What, am I getting a wellness check? (SCOFFS)

They're just feckin' pizzas.

Why are you telling everyone you got abducted by aliens?

Because it's true, Catherine.

I mean, look, it was funny

at the start, you know, but now it's just all...

getting a bit weird. (DOUGH SLAMS)

I mean, are you saying it just to get some attention?

Why would I want attention?

I just want to be honest now. (SIGHS)

Cos it's been making me sick.

My guts are in bits.

For years, it's made me physically sick.

Do you know what it's like to have to lie about something day and day out?

All the secrecy and the shame?

And now it's out of me.

Like a tumour or a cancerous cyst. Will you just stop?

You're making it sound like some

miraculous breakthrough,

when actually you've just been going around the town telling everyone

that you and Wendy... er, what's-her-face

are the new Mork and fuckin' Mindy?

She doesn't even know what you're talking about.

Why does that matter?

Because you're a laughing stock.

Did you hear the one about the doctor who got abducted?

(SCOFFS) Like, that's you.

You might need a punchline for that.

No, you are the punchline.

I mean, do you actually think anyone really believes you?

Of course they believe me. Why wouldn't they?

I've gone into great detail.

Ah, detail. That will convince them.

You know, you don't wanna be too vague about your alien abduction.

They do believe me. Aye.

I'm the town doctor, for God's sake.

Why wouldn't they believe me?

I have tamed the wild weathered storms,

given life.

Now I must take leave from the cold.

The fires may warm your fair skin...

...but what of your insides?

(FOOD AND BASKETS CLATTERING)

(MOANING, MUFFLED WHISPERING)

What was that, Brigid?

(MUFFLED) We must allow...

the wilderness in...

Moooooo!

Er... Is he...

Er, I'm-I'm sorry, is he being a cow?

Moooooo!

ZAK: Cut!

Sorry, just went with an impulse.

Should I also incorporate some animal work?

I've done six productions of Equus.

Oh, that's far too much Equus.

Could I, um, take five?

I think I've overdone the protein shakes.

Take five. Er, please take five. (STUDIO BELLS RINGS)

Anyone from make-up good with beard rash?

(PIZZA DOUGH CRUNCHING)

Oh, it's really crunchy.

Sorry, love. They got a little over-crisped.

Oh, the health board called.

The health board? Yeah.

Oh, let me guess.

Was this, uh, Dr Klingon

and the Men in Black health board by any chance?

No, the medical health board.

What do they want?

Just to talk to Dad.

Ah, it's probably nothing. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'm sure they're grand about one of their GPs

telling their patients that they got sucked up into a flying saucer.

(STIFLED LAUGHTER)

Your mother thinks that no one believes me.

That they're all mocking me behind my back.

Do you believe me?

Er, we believe...

...that you believe...

That you saw something,

that, er, you believe.

I'm convinced. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

You want proof, is it?

Well... Well, I mean, we wouldn't say no.

I suppose I thought my word was enough,

but if it's hard evidence you're requiring,

then maybe you're a man of science after all.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) (DOOR OPENS)

So, is he gonna come back with a little alien or something?

(LAUGHTER) Here's hoping.

(TROMBONE PLAYING SOFT MELODY)

See?

I couldn't play the trombone before...

(SIGHS) ..and now I can.

The aliens taught you how to play the trombone?

How long were you up there?

Yeah, Seamus.

How long did you attend this...

intergalactic music camp?

It wasn't a music camp. (SIGHS)

Don't you see? They gave me the knowledge.

I didn't know it at the time, but afterwards,

I had an uncontrollable urge to play this instrument.

Without ever picking one up before, I just knew I could play it.

How's that for proof?

It's looking really cool on camera.

What? My fuckin' mooing?

Is there anything that I can do to help?

Look, I know it's awkward, right? I know it is, but you have to ask her

to stop licking my ears.

Licking your ears? Look, I'm not a prude or anything,

but when she licks that far down my earhole,

I can't hear the fucking dialogue!

So, you want me to ask Jemima Rowlands

to stop licking into your earholes? I'm missing my cues, man.

Well, can't you kind of...

bob and weave when you see her tongue coming at ya?

She's so fast for her age.

It's all the Pilates.

Sorry, I was just...

Could you leave us for a moment, please?

I absolutely can.

James, I'm going to give you the same advice

I gave to Toby Garfield or Andrew Maguire

or whatever the fuck his name is. Ms Rowlands...

Stick with it, dipshit.

Jemima, I've not been totally straight with ya.

Are you gay? No, no.

The truth is I'm married.

James, I've been married four times.

We're actors, we're not really going to...

to intercourse.

Of course, I know that, but my wife, she gets really jealous!

And it's all making me feel a little fuckin' weird!

Your wife's not here, James. No, I know. She's in prison.

- Your wife is in prison? - Yeah, and she's gonna see it eventually.

I don't know how she's gonna react.

And this whole love scene thing is a little, like, new to us both.

Er, sorry, why is your wife in prison?

Yeah, she stabbed a banker with a spork in Pret a Manger.

OK, right.

No, no, he's fine, he's fine.

Thieving fucker ripped her Dad's pension.

But she got 18 months for it and she's struggling, you know?

And we had fertility issues.

And she's no time to see her surrogate.

She's in Mountjoy and her wee girl is inside my sister.

And I'm just feeling a little untethered!

You know? So...

at home...

your sister is growing your baby?

Yeah. And at work,

you're having sex with your mother.

Yeah. And I'm a Scorpio.

Oh.

This studio, they turned me down for the lead part

in Catfishing with Cleopatra.

For age reasons, mm.

And then they offer me the mother role in this,

and that does something - to your head, you know? - Yeah.

Sorry if I was coming on a bit strong.

Oh, by the way, they're fuckin' idiots!

There is not a man alive

that would not cut off his right ear

to have those lips on his neck.

Thanks, Big Jim.

I needed to hear that.

Wow.

I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to being kissed

by Jemima fuckin' Rowlands.

(MOANS SOFTLY) ("I PUT A SPELL ON YOU" RESUMES)

♪ Because you're mine... ♪

Oooh...

Freaky as fuck.

(SCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS SNORTING, HOOTING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Four pints, three ciders and two wee chasers, Shel.

And fuck it, we'll take a pot of tea as well.

I mean, how is that proof?

It's like playing tennis

and saying it proves that you shot JFK.

Well, for what it's worth, I believe your Da.

No way did he shoot JFK.

I don't get it. What does he want?

Same as what every Dad wants, I suppose.

To be mysterious enough that nobody interrupts their time

playing fucking computer games.

What else is he bullshitting about? What? I can't hear you.

Oh, no worries, I can just talk louder!

You know what might be even better? You could give me a fuckin' hand.

Oh. Oh, right, sure. Yeah, no, like pulling pints?

No. Like put this on and bus tables.

♪ ELTON JOHN: Rocket Man ♪

♪ Rocket man

♪ Burning out his fuse up here alone

♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find

♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home

♪ Oh, no, no, no

♪ I'm a rocket man

♪ Rocket man

♪ Burning out his fuse up here alone... ♪

Why have you been avoiding me?

And why'd you Judas me in the pub?

Why are you holding a trombone?

(PLAYS SOFT MELODY)

OK, shh.

We're filming. (SIGHS)

I've been able to play ever since that night.

Don't know how or why.

This is what I am now, Wendy. A tromboner.

(SPEAKING ARAMAIC)

What was that? I just agreed with you in Aramaic.

I am fluent in a language that hasn't been popular for 1,000 years

and I have no idea why either.

(LAUGHS)

Wha... What the fuck?

And that smell, what was it?

A mixture of burnt hair

and... Banana bread?

(LAUGHS) Exactly that.

I can't touch the stuff now.

I always wonder what happened to that alpaca, poor bastard.

It can't just be us, Wendy. There must be others.

Oh, fuck, Seamie.

I could hardly handle the two of us.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm done in Drumban.

I have a few days left of shooting and then I'm out of here.

I'm sorry if you feel alone

or lost at sea.

That's what happens when you build a fucking canoe.

Aye.

So that's you away then?

Back to your fancy parties and drinks dos?

That is not my life.

WOMAN ON RADIO: 'Martinis up.' (RADIO BEEPS)

Ah. That is...

our last shot of the day.

Mm-hm.

They need me.

They're not alone.

Seamie, wait.

(SIGHS)

It doesn't feel right just going off without...

What?

Go on, just say it.

Say it.

Seamie, I'm pretty sure your wife is cheating on you.

Jesus, Wendy!

Can't you give it a rest?

How much revenge can one woman take?

This is not revenge. You're leaving.

You got what you wanted.

There's no need to wreck my head on your way out the door.

Well, I'm not lying. I've simply grown an aversion

to people being left in the dark.

I didn't want you to look foolish. (SIGHS)

Well, you should've stayed in fuckin' America then.

Yeah, I probably should have.

(TROMBONE CLUNKS)

♪ JOE DOLAN: The Universal ♪

Sonny?

♪ This is the next century...

Safe home now.

♪ Where the Universal's free

♪ You can find it anywhere

♪ The future has been sold

♪ Every night we're gone

♪ And to karaoke songs...

(ANIMAL SNARLING) (BUSH RUSTLING)

(ROARS, HISSES)

Feckin' doggers.

♪ It really, really, really could happen

♪ Yes, it really, really, really could happen

♪ When the days, they seem to fall through you and just

♪ Let them go

Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky

♪ No one here is alone

♪ Satellites in every home... ♪