Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Corin Wells.

Vic Michaelis kidnapped me against my will.

I did not ask to be here. Please send help.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- What did I sign up for?

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- Is it sexy?

Am I super hot?

(Corin laughs)

Oh my god.

It's like terrifying and also super adorable.

Hi.

(Corin laughs)

This is gonna be my new Hinge profile.

Oh, what's up, boy?

Gimme a hug.

Hello boys and girl.

I am your favorite kids show host,

and I don't get paid enough for what I do.

How can I type?

You're nine years old.

I taught you your ABC's yesterday.

Why aren't you retaining the information

that I'm telling you?

Hello, I'm Steffi Pops.

You see my point?

I can cut you with that point.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(heels thudding)

- We all have a story to tell.

We all have a story to tell.

We all have a story. No, we don't.

Yes we do. No, we don't.

We all have.

We.

We.

(Vic clears throat)

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Nope. Mm-mm, no.

(eerie music) Okay.

Back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Is this a joke?

(Vic chuckles)

Okay.

Okay, all right. (dramatic music)

Please...

Okay.

I hate that. I hate that.

Please introduce yourself.

- Vic, it's me.

It's Steffi Pops. (dramatic music)

(eerie music)

You know me.

- Steffi Pops? - I came back for you.

You left me, remember?

- Steffi, how are you here right now?

- Oh, let's not get into that.

I had to do a lot of strange things.

Let's sing one of our songs.

- Okay.

? Steffi Pops ?

? Rainbow pops ?

? We'll shake our ass and pop ?

? that pussy ?

- Yay. - It is you.

- It's me.

- Steffi Pops, what are you doing here?

- I missed you.

I felt like you threw me away.

- I did throw you away.

- What?

You did?

You said you'd love me forever.

- I was six.

- That's old enough to drive a unicorn.

- Okay, yeah, I guess.

Steffi Pops, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I threw you away. I didn't mean to.

We are on a talk show, so I'm gonna interview you

like I interview all of my guests.

- Your dreams came true.

I remember you told me this was your biggest dream

in all the world.

- Not this, but something like this.

- So your dreams didn't come true?

- Sometimes dreams change

and sometimes you get offered sort of a behind a paywall

for six dollar a month streaming service talk show,

and you take it because it's what's available

to you at the time.

- All I have as currency are children's teeth.

- Steffi, can I just say, you know,

I wanted you for a long time as a kid.

I begged, I remember begging my mom for you as a doll,

and after my dad left,

she sort of got it as a consolation prize.

- "My dad left.

Oh, my dad left."

- Are you making-

- That's all I had to hear about is, "Oh my dad left.

I wonder if he's coming back."

- It was just you were my only friend at the time,

so I didn't, (clears throat)

didn't really have anybody else to talk to, so.

Your commercial was really sold

on being every kid's best friend

and I got you with your doctor set.

- Hi, kids. It's me, Steffi Pop,

but today I'm Dr. Steffi Pop

and I'm gonna make you feel so much better.

I'm going to inject medicine inside of you

to make you feel good.

? Steffi Pop is a doctor ?

? Steffi Pop will make you feel better ?

? Steffi Pop is a doctor ?

? And I'm going to make you feel real good ?

- [Narrator] Steffi Pops doll in stores now.

Accessories sold separately.

- Okay.

That sort of took a dark turn in a way

I didn't remember as a kid.

- They didn't want to sell me originally,

but I snuck into a box.

- Well, you know, I wanna take this time then

and apologize for throwing you away

and I hope we can move on

and not hold a grudge about that.

- I'm definitely not holding grudges.

- Okay, well, thank you for saying that, Steffi Pops.

- I can't really hold much.

- Oh, 'cause of no fingers. - Steffi Pops made a joke.

- That's funny, Steffi Pops.

You're very, um...

So, uh- - What happened to you?

- What do you mean what happened to me?

- There's a sadness in your eyes that was never there.

- I don't think so. I'm happy.

I'm living the life that I've always wanted to live.

- You'd lie to Steffi Pops? (eerie music building)

- No, I wouldn't. - Vic lies to Steffi Pops.

- No I don't and I'm not lying.

- Steffi Pops does not like when Vic lies. (voice echoing)

- Why's the room filling with smoke?

(Steffi Pops grunts demonically)

Hey, why don't we play?

- I love to play.

- Okay, okay.

? I love to play ?

? I love to play ? ? I love to play ?

? I love ?

- [Vic] Same. Okay.

- [Steffi Pops] I love to play.

- [Vic] I love to play.

I love to play.

- What are we playing?

- I remember you loved patty cake.

Why don't we play patty cake?

- I love it and I'm gonna beat you at it.

- I don't know that it's a competitive game.

(soft music)

You ready?

- Oh, how the tables have turned.

- [Vic] Okay.

? Patty cake, patty cake, baker's butt ?

? Bake me a butt as fast you butt ?

? Roll it, pat it, ?

? Mark it with a stab ?

? Put it in the oven and nom nom nom nom ?

(soft eerie music)

- Do you feel better?

- I feel a little weird.

- How so? - I don't know.

I just...

(tense music)

I feel like all my problems have kind of melted away.

(Vic chuckles)

- Oh.

- It's just sort of like when we used to play.

- Yeah.

- It was like I was feeling weird

and sad a little bit about the situation,

and then I remembered why I love playing with you so much.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Isn't it better having Steffi Pops in your life?

- It's so much better having Steffi Pops in my life.

- And you'll never leave Steffi Pops again.

- Ever again.

In fact, I'm thinking I quit what I'm doing right now

and maybe we just play together all the time.

- I would love that.

- When I threw you away, where did you go?

- Oh.

A dark, dark place

called the New York City subway.

- Wait, how'd you survive?

- Off of rats and cookies and lollipops.

And a lot of gum.

If you cut me open,

you'd find some (bleep).

Steffi Pops legally cannot say bad words.

- Oh, right. I do remember this about you.

Anytime I'd swear I'd get a little pinch in the side.

- Yes.

- I had little pinch marks on my stomach

and at one point my mom went,

"Where did you get those pinch marks?"

And I said, "Legally I'm not allowed to say."

And I tried to, and then a sensor bar

would pop up over my mouth.

- And then I had a nice deep conversation with your mother

and she never brought it up again.

- Yeah, she didn't bring up a lot again.

She kind of didn't ask me anything about my life again.

- Yes, because Steffi Pops is all you need.

- Right.

I think I'm remembering why I stopped

playing with you in the first place.

- Why?

I've been asking that question forever.

- I think you were always sort of a haunted doll?

Hey.

No, no. Oh, come on.

(high-pitched sobbing)

No, it's...

We saw that she was being kind of, kind of mean, remember?

Okay, and hold on.

So... (sobbing continues)

Hey, hey. Hey.

Hey.

Okay. Hi.

How about we play another game? (eerie music)

How about that? Any game you want.

You choose.

Oh, I know our favorite.

Hide and seek. How about hide and seek?

- Yes.

- You love hide and seek? That's why-

- I love hide and seek. (playful music)

I love hide and seek. - Okay.

- I want to seek. (dramatic music)

(soft music)

Okay.

One.

Purple.

Reindeer.

- [Vic] Okay.

- [Steffi Pops] Five.

- I never learned how to count

because this was sort of what I had in my head.

And try going into sort of a college level math class

and saying, "One, two, rainbow."

- [Steffi Pops] G.

Nucleus.

- Hidden.

- Ready or not, here comes Steffi Pops.

Vic, where are you?

(Steffi Pops sniffing)

(Steffi Pops growling)

(demonically echoing) I smell other humans.

Are you Vic?

No.

- You might wanna sort of cover yourselves in mud

for the scent.

This actually might be a problem.

- Once I find you Vic, I'll tear you to shreds.

Just kidding.

We're just gonna see what's inside of you.

See if you have the same thing in you as I have in me,

like lollipops and rats and New York City trash.

- Um, this maybe seems like an ill-advised,

an ill-advised plan.

Hey, uh- - Where are you, Vic?

I'm coming for you.

Oh, there you are.

- [Vic] Nope.

- Come back.

- Nope. - Come back.

- Nope. - Come back.

- I don't wanna come back. - Come back.

- I don't wanna come back. - Come back.

- I don't wanna come back. - Come here.

(Steffi Pops panting) (Vic mumbling)

(Steffi Pops growling)

Why don't you want me to seek and find you?

- Because you're threatening to eat me.

- I didn't, I never said eat.

I said rip you to shreds and see what's inside.

Do not put words into my mouth.

- I'm sorry.

- That was always your problem.

You jump to conclusions.

- Okay.

- Now you find me.

(dramatic music)

- Steffi?

Steffi?

Okay, this isn't funny, Steffi.

Steffi, we need the light to record, Steffi.

And it's one of those things where I hate this,

but this is gonna be a really good sweeps episode

and so we do need the lights on.

(eerie music)

Okay.

Steffi?

Hey, hey. Okay.

Um, this is fun.

And you know what I find fun these days

that I would love for you to be a part of?

A normal sit down interview.

How about this, we'll sort of Marco Polo it, okay?

I'm gonna ask you a question and then you answer

and that'll help tell me where you are, okay?

(tense music builds)

Um, okay.

Uh, uh...

What's...

Okay.

(eerie music) (creepy playful child sounds echo)

? Steffi Pops and Vic forever ?

? Steffi Pops and Vic 'til the day we die ?

? Steffi Pop ?

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

All right. Fun.

Fun. I love that game.

Steffi, I ask all of my guests some rapid fire questions,

so I was hoping maybe we could do that.

- Absolutely.

(soft music)

- What was your first job?

- My first job was actually at a Wendy's.

I did the soft serve, the softy machine.

- At Wendy's? - Yes.

- Steffi, do you have a hidden talent?

- I can say the ABC's backwards very fast.

- Do it.

Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R,

Q, P, O, N, M, L, K,

J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

Ta-da.

(Vic clapping)

(crew clapping)

- That was very impressive. - Thank you.

- I didn't know you could do that.

- I'm programmed to do it.

- I thought, you know, I knew you so well as a kid

and I'm realizing maybe you knew me

and I didn't know you that well.

- Mm-hm. - So, I'm sorry

- Because you didn't listen. But you're listening now.

- I'm listening now.

What is your worst fear?

- Oh, let's see.

Living forever.

- Why is your worst fear living forever?

- Well, because you see everyone come and go

and you can't really get too attached to people,

which I've learned,

and you can only take with so many generations of loss.

- Can I ask you why come back here? Like to me, right now?

- Because I love you. We had so many fun times together.

You would braid my hair, I would braid your hair.

We would bully the little girl that lived next door

and we would laugh at her.

- She had such weird teeth.

- Her teeth were so weird.

- Steffi Pops, I have a question for you

and that is, what is the best gift that you've received?

- Well, Steffi Pops has never received a gift before.

- And actually Vic Michaelis knew that

and I have a little something for you, so.

- What?

- PA, if we can bring in the gift.

- A gift for me?

Wh...

This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

- I know.

I'm making your entire life.

- I remember when your parents wrapped me in a box

and that was terrifying for me.

- I'm really sorry about that. - No, it's okay.

- Do you need help? - No, I can do it.

(box rattling)

(Vic chuckles) (Steffi chuckles)

Oh.

Where did you find this?

- So I- - Where did you find this?

- I found this at a garage sale

and I thought a doll for my doll would be-

- This is a hate crime.

- Because...

- Because it's- - It's a doll?

- It's a doll with a pin inside of it.

- I figured you could do, like I have a broach,

you could sort of make it a broach for you,

would be sort of- - You really botched this one.

- Do you think? - I do think.

- The lights are sort of doing a weird sort of thing.

- I hate it. - Okay.

Hey, hey.

No, no. Okay.

And I'm seeing some floating crew.

So here's what we're gonna do.

Hey, hey. New gift.

New gift.

New gift. Anything you want.

And so, this is nice.

So we could do that.

Oh, fun, look, it's- - Everything here is-

- Well, not this, this is a rental,

but we had a clock, which I think is lovely.

What? The camera person?

Sure, that's fine. - Nope.

Nope, that little spiral thing.

- You want...

- That Slinky.

- It's not a slinky, it's a Website,

it's a Website Award that I won.

This isn't really like a gift that I can give.

The academy has to vote and then sometimes they vote no,

but then the people vote yes,

and so you get sort of an award that's the same award,

but, um, just- - Give it to me.

- No.

- Give it to me. - Okay.

Okay. (clears throat)

So, okay.

Okay.

It's gonna be tough 'cause it has sort of my name on it.

- So do I.

- Is it still on your foot?

- Yes.

- Okay. There it is.

Okay.

Okay, so.

- You have to get down on a knee.

- Okay. (clears throat)

(Vic sighs)

Steffi, Steffi Pops, from the moment I met you,

I knew you were my doll

and I am going to be gifting you my Website Award.

(Steffi grunting)

What do you say?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Ah.

Ah!

- Thank you.

- You're welcome. You need to polish it.

- I'm gonna throw you down the steps.

- So this, you put in sort of a shadow box

and it's climate controlled.

- No, I'm gonna throw it down the steps

to see if it does what it's supposed to do.

- It's your award now, so I guess that's, that's a choice.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- I'm going to name you Carl.

- Has a name already.

- Carl. - Carl is the name.

Well, I'm so glad.

So glad you love it.

We're gonna go ahead and ask-

- You're my baby now.

- The end of the questions.

What is your biggest dating ick?

- Asking me out for coffee before dinner is rude.

- Do you think?

- It's like, before we do dinner and commit to dinner,

let's get coffee first to see

if it's even worth getting dinner.

- Are you dating a lot?

- I try.

I'm trying to get out there, but now I don't know.

My hands are full with Carl.

- It's so, um, 'cause it's made out

of sort of like a plastic covered silver,

so you gotta be really careful with that.

- Okay.

- Last but not least, a question

that I ask each and every one of my guests.

What is the meaning of life?

- I think the meaning of life is remembering

where you came from and remembering those

who are standing by your side.

And also just remembering that life isn't about rewards

that look like Slinkies.

You don't need this.

- Then what is it about?

- It's about you having a good time.

I want you to have fun.

Remember when we played patty cake and hide and seek

and how much fun it was?

I want you to find joy again.

- Work is joy.

- Is it?

- Yep.

- Is it?

- Yep.

Because if you're not working, who are ya?

- Well, I don't work.

Not anymore. Not since I quit Wendy's.

- Well, you sort of worked, right?

You were my doll and you sort of showed up every day

and listened to me and so that was sort of your job and-

- That didn't feel like work to me.

That was my purpose.

I was put on this earth to be your friend and to love you

and then to also kill a few people along the way.

- Who did you kill?

- I can't tell you that. I can't.

Then you would be complicit.

- Right.

And you don't want me to be complicit.

- I don't want you to be complicit.

- That's really nice actually.

Thank you- - Thank you.

- For saying that. - Thank you.

- I have to say, my childhood was perfect

in every single way and I actually wouldn't change

a thing about it and, um,

thank you for being there for me when nobody else was.

- You're welcome.

There are a few bodies under the floorboards here.

- Here? (dramatic music)

(child giggling)

Hello? Okay.

Well that is all for this evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis reminding you to be true to yourself,

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night.

(upbeat music)

Okay.

So, we'll just deal with that, deal with that later.

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0