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1
00:00:02,807 --> 00:00:04,611
-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪
2
00:00:04,711 --> 00:00:06,114
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
3
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:07,583
-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪
4
00:00:07,650 --> 00:00:10,255
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
5
00:00:10,355 --> 00:00:13,862
♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
6
00:00:13,996 --> 00:00:15,064
♪ Catch some fish ♪
7
00:00:15,131 --> 00:00:16,701
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
8
00:00:16,768 --> 00:00:17,904
♪ Wow ♪
9
00:00:18,004 --> 00:00:21,243
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
10
00:00:21,343 --> 00:00:22,847
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
11
00:00:22,913 --> 00:00:24,250
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
12
00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:25,886
♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪
13
00:00:25,986 --> 00:00:29,827
♪ In the Great North. ♪
14
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,334
[cheering]
15
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:36,007
[producer]
Tonight, six contestants
16
00:00:36,107 --> 00:00:38,177
are stranded alone
to live in the wild.
17
00:00:38,277 --> 00:00:39,479
The weakest go home.
18
00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:40,816
The last one to remain
19
00:00:40,883 --> 00:00:42,820
wins $8,000.
20
00:00:42,887 --> 00:00:44,590
This is Dropped Off to Die.
21
00:00:44,657 --> 00:00:46,360
[Tobins cheering]
22
00:00:46,426 --> 00:00:49,501
Yes! Dropped Off to Die
is the greatest survival show
23
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:50,736
of all time!
24
00:00:50,836 --> 00:00:52,740
On Alaskan
local access television.
25
00:00:52,807 --> 00:00:54,310
So, hold up, these people
26
00:00:54,376 --> 00:00:57,883
are putting their lives
in danger for our amusement?
27
00:00:57,984 --> 00:00:59,788
-[giggles] Exactly.
-Uh, don't forget
28
00:00:59,921 --> 00:01:01,558
that the winner gets $8,000.
29
00:01:01,624 --> 00:01:04,162
That's not enough money.
30
00:01:04,196 --> 00:01:05,833
-Everyone, grab a themed drink.
-[chuckles]
31
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,368
We call them dirty water-tinis.
32
00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:11,210
A lot of the contestants drink
unsafe water and get so sick.
33
00:01:11,277 --> 00:01:14,249
They can't resist
that cloudy, diseasey water.
34
00:01:14,316 --> 00:01:17,957
Mm-mmm, these have me
bloated and buzzing good.
35
00:01:18,024 --> 00:01:22,332
All right, Die-heads, let's
watch some strangers in danger!
36
00:01:22,432 --> 00:01:23,902
I'm a high school principal.
37
00:01:23,969 --> 00:01:26,039
Conquering the wild will be
nothing compared to taming
38
00:01:26,106 --> 00:01:28,044
a rowdy assembly. [chuckles]
39
00:01:28,110 --> 00:01:29,514
-[grunting]
-[wind whooshing]
40
00:01:29,581 --> 00:01:31,785
-This is hard.
-[Dirt] Dear Lord.
41
00:01:31,851 --> 00:01:33,354
Ooh! Go-Home-Gary alert!
42
00:01:33,421 --> 00:01:35,826
Go-Home-Garys are what we call
the first person to tap out.
43
00:01:35,892 --> 00:01:38,331
They are-- and I mean this
in the nicest way--
44
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:41,169
pathetic losers who bring shame
to their families.
45
00:01:41,236 --> 00:01:42,973
They should be exiled
in disgrace
46
00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:46,480
to a loud, bustling city
like Indianapolis.
47
00:01:46,615 --> 00:01:48,017
You guys ever think
about how we would
48
00:01:48,083 --> 00:01:49,987
absolutely crush this show?
49
00:01:50,087 --> 00:01:52,225
Uh, yeah.
The Tobin Family crest
50
00:01:52,325 --> 00:01:55,265
is the perfect summation
of a Dropped Off to Die winner.
51
00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:57,202
[Moon]
Fire-making, shelter-building,
52
00:01:57,302 --> 00:02:00,743
hunting, foraging
and, of course, my favorite:
53
00:02:00,843 --> 00:02:03,213
long periods of isolation.
54
00:02:03,314 --> 00:02:05,251
My God, if a Tobin
ever won the show,
55
00:02:05,318 --> 00:02:08,490
what glory it would bring
to our family.
56
00:02:08,591 --> 00:02:09,359
♪ ♪
57
00:02:09,426 --> 00:02:11,932
-[screams]
-[laughing]
58
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:14,470
Get your ass home, Gary.
59
00:02:14,504 --> 00:02:16,106
[Wolf]
Hunting skills? Check.
60
00:02:16,206 --> 00:02:18,010
Shelter-building skills?
Check.
61
00:02:18,110 --> 00:02:20,248
Chlamydia?
That's a nah-mydia.
62
00:02:20,315 --> 00:02:23,589
And finally, willing to die
for eight grand?
63
00:02:23,689 --> 00:02:28,297
For Tobin glory,
hell, I'd die for free.
64
00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:30,434
-[computer chimes]
-Oh! Oh, my God!
65
00:02:30,502 --> 00:02:32,673
Oh, wow!
It's happening.
66
00:02:32,773 --> 00:02:35,111
Honeybee, they're
dropping me off to die!
67
00:02:35,177 --> 00:02:36,446
[gasps]
68
00:02:36,514 --> 00:02:38,552
Let's go!
69
00:02:38,619 --> 00:02:40,622
They're dropping me off to die.
70
00:02:40,689 --> 00:02:41,891
Oh, hell yeah.
71
00:02:41,925 --> 00:02:42,993
They're dropping me off to die.
72
00:02:43,093 --> 00:02:44,997
Your whole penis
is showing, Wolf.
73
00:02:45,097 --> 00:02:46,367
[chuckles]
Oh, thank you.
74
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:47,803
Good morning, Santiago.
75
00:02:47,837 --> 00:02:49,574
They're dropping me off to die!
76
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,343
Congratulations, Wolf.
[gasps]
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00:02:51,410 --> 00:02:53,047
Someday, I'll die.
78
00:02:53,147 --> 00:02:55,151
-They're dropping me off to--
-[screams]
79
00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:56,921
Oh, my God, I killed Wolf Tobin!
80
00:02:56,988 --> 00:03:00,361
[panting] No one's around.
Just drive, Dorothy, drive.
81
00:03:00,394 --> 00:03:01,597
Good thing I didn't die,
82
00:03:01,664 --> 00:03:04,235
'cause they're
dropping me off to!
83
00:03:04,870 --> 00:03:06,039
[Honeybee]
My husband,
84
00:03:06,072 --> 00:03:08,845
on TV. This must be what
Tony Shalhoub's wife feels like.
85
00:03:08,912 --> 00:03:11,417
-And Tony Shalhoub's brother.
-I'll miss you.
86
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,354
But I've got a great plan
for while you're gone.
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00:03:13,421 --> 00:03:15,291
I'm gonna introduce Aunt Dirt
to margaritas.
88
00:03:15,357 --> 00:03:19,066
I don't know this margarita gal,
but I hope she's handsy.
89
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,367
Great idea.
You can easily
90
00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:23,107
lose two months
to those boozy bevs.
91
00:03:23,174 --> 00:03:25,011
Two months? [scoffs]
You're no Go-Home-Gary.
92
00:03:25,078 --> 00:03:26,447
You'll be gone
for at least four.
93
00:03:26,514 --> 00:03:28,885
Plus, two more
for talk show appearances.
94
00:03:28,985 --> 00:03:30,154
Just think of it: my son,
95
00:03:30,255 --> 00:03:32,626
playing freeze tag
with James Fallon.
96
00:03:32,693 --> 00:03:34,730
Imagine how much
he'll be laughing.
97
00:03:34,831 --> 00:03:37,202
Well, I guess
this is goodbye, Dad.
98
00:03:37,302 --> 00:03:39,439
Wolf, I don't wish
to get overly sentimental,
99
00:03:39,472 --> 00:03:41,978
but when you're out there,
please remember:
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00:03:42,045 --> 00:03:45,251
after a kill, you can use
an animal's brain to tan a hide.
101
00:03:45,317 --> 00:03:48,625
I'm about to tan my cheeks
with my tears, Papa.
102
00:03:48,758 --> 00:03:50,228
I made a doll of you
to keep you company.
103
00:03:50,328 --> 00:03:52,766
It's from my Lil Preppers
lil' whittlin' skills
104
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,436
family portrait project.
105
00:03:54,503 --> 00:03:55,806
Aw, he's so haunting.
106
00:03:55,906 --> 00:03:57,175
Thanks, Moon.
107
00:03:57,275 --> 00:03:59,279
[imitates Dr. Evil]
I shall call him Mini-Wolf.
108
00:03:59,346 --> 00:04:00,448
[laughing]
109
00:04:00,516 --> 00:04:01,918
God, I'm gonna miss this man.
110
00:04:01,985 --> 00:04:03,320
[horn honks outside]
111
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,826
[regular voice] Well, that's
my ride. Wolfman out.
112
00:04:05,892 --> 00:04:07,329
♪ ♪
113
00:04:07,395 --> 00:04:09,466
[Honeybee]
You're gonna love margaritas.
114
00:04:09,534 --> 00:04:11,437
It's the perfect blend
of tequila and green liquid.
115
00:04:11,505 --> 00:04:13,842
What's the big deal?
I've been drunk before.
116
00:04:13,942 --> 00:04:15,746
But not margarita drunk.
117
00:04:15,812 --> 00:04:17,784
Fine.
118
00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:19,587
Holy...
119
00:04:19,687 --> 00:04:20,488
Where am I?
120
00:04:20,589 --> 00:04:22,259
-Spring break.
-Wow!
121
00:04:22,359 --> 00:04:24,930
it feels like I'm topless
but I'm not.
122
00:04:24,997 --> 00:04:27,803
-That means it's working.
-[man] Ho, ho, ho.
123
00:04:27,937 --> 00:04:30,810
Shall we unwrap you?
124
00:04:30,910 --> 00:04:32,279
Whoa!
I was on a beach
125
00:04:32,345 --> 00:04:35,085
and Santa and Mrs. Claus
invited me to throuple?
126
00:04:35,151 --> 00:04:36,287
Margaritas will do that.
127
00:04:36,354 --> 00:04:37,790
And these were just
a homemade ones
128
00:04:37,856 --> 00:04:39,025
with cheap tequila
and store-bought mix.
129
00:04:39,092 --> 00:04:40,228
Wait till you try a Cadillac.
130
00:04:40,295 --> 00:04:43,367
It's the Mercedes of margaritas.
131
00:04:44,236 --> 00:04:45,539
Okay, Wolf,
you've seen the show.
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00:04:45,606 --> 00:04:48,243
If you use that walkie
to tap out, you lose.
133
00:04:48,377 --> 00:04:51,551
Also, if you die, you lose
and will be dead.
134
00:04:51,618 --> 00:04:54,524
Here are your two video cameras
to record everything you do,
135
00:04:54,590 --> 00:04:56,092
and I mean everything.
136
00:04:56,159 --> 00:04:57,563
-Even poo-poo?
-Even poo-poo.
137
00:04:57,663 --> 00:05:01,537
Three, two, one
and you're dropped off to die.
138
00:05:01,637 --> 00:05:03,976
Bye!
Love you guys!
139
00:05:04,076 --> 00:05:05,813
It's Tobin time.
140
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,618
-♪ I'm all right ♪
-♪ I'm all right ♪
141
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,158
♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪
142
00:05:12,225 --> 00:05:14,496
♪ Why you got to give me
a fight? ♪
143
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,169
♪ Why don't you just
let me be? ♪
144
00:05:17,202 --> 00:05:20,040
♪ Everybody let me be. ♪
145
00:05:20,909 --> 00:05:22,946
[grunts]
146
00:05:24,349 --> 00:05:25,285
To the Tobins.
147
00:05:25,385 --> 00:05:27,990
Dad, Ham, Honeybee, Moon, Judy,
148
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,660
I'm gonna do you guys proud.
149
00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:31,096
[grizzled]
I know you will, son.
150
00:05:31,163 --> 00:05:32,231
You're my favorite.
151
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:33,602
[regular voice]
Aw, thanks, Dad.
152
00:05:33,669 --> 00:05:36,574
And now I won't be lonely
out here.
153
00:05:38,077 --> 00:05:41,183
Wow.
It is quiet.
154
00:05:41,283 --> 00:05:42,185
Ooh.
155
00:05:42,252 --> 00:05:43,454
-[own hooting]
-Aah!
156
00:05:43,487 --> 00:05:45,425
[chuckles]
Okay, that was just an owl.
157
00:05:45,458 --> 00:05:46,528
I love owls, actually.
158
00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:48,297
Sounding good out there, my man.
159
00:05:48,364 --> 00:05:49,567
-[twig snaps]
-Aah!
160
00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:51,203
Oh, that was just a twig.
161
00:05:51,269 --> 00:05:53,073
I love twigs, actually.
162
00:05:53,140 --> 00:05:54,844
Snapping good out there, my man.
163
00:05:54,911 --> 00:05:56,915
[quirky voice]
You freaking out, freak boy?
164
00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:58,317
Aah!
Who said that?
165
00:05:58,384 --> 00:05:59,452
Down here.
166
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,190
Mini-Wolf? You talk?
167
00:06:01,256 --> 00:06:03,294
Oh, I talk real good.
168
00:06:03,361 --> 00:06:05,699
What's up?
You scared or something?
169
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,903
Who, me?
Full-size me?
170
00:06:07,970 --> 00:06:09,439
[laughs]
No way.
171
00:06:09,507 --> 00:06:12,211
You've, uh, camped
by yourself before, right?
172
00:06:12,345 --> 00:06:13,982
Yeah, sure, love camping solo.
173
00:06:14,049 --> 00:06:16,821
Like the time I went with Moon
or Judy or Ham
174
00:06:16,888 --> 00:06:19,861
or Dad or Honeybee or, uh--
Oh, boy.
175
00:06:19,927 --> 00:06:21,062
I've never camped solo.
176
00:06:21,162 --> 00:06:23,201
Uh, but that doesn't matter,
cause I'm a Tobin.
177
00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:24,336
-[owl hoots]
-Aah!
178
00:06:24,402 --> 00:06:26,473
Oh, there's that owl again.
179
00:06:26,507 --> 00:06:29,045
Or was it the Zodiac Killer
mimicking an owl?
180
00:06:29,145 --> 00:06:31,249
-Why would he do that?
-Why'd he do anything?
181
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,054
We don't know.
They never caught him.
182
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:34,222
They never caught him?
183
00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:36,093
Google it.
Oh wait, you can't.
184
00:06:36,159 --> 00:06:38,397
No cell phone, no anything.
185
00:06:38,497 --> 00:06:41,837
Just hundreds of dark,
silent nights ahead
186
00:06:41,938 --> 00:06:43,040
to freak you out.
187
00:06:43,107 --> 00:06:44,543
Aah!
I'm not freaking out!
188
00:06:44,643 --> 00:06:46,446
Then why are you chitchatting
with my little ass?
189
00:06:46,547 --> 00:06:48,685
-[cackles]
-Shut up, shut up.
190
00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:51,924
Oh, sorry, maybe you want
to talk to your family.
191
00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,895
Go-Home-Gary.
192
00:06:53,962 --> 00:06:54,897
Aah!
193
00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:57,034
You're gonna die
on a local access show.
194
00:06:57,101 --> 00:06:58,738
[cackles]
195
00:06:58,805 --> 00:07:01,143
Stay the hell back, Snowbins!
196
00:07:01,276 --> 00:07:03,280
Aah!
Why did you build us
197
00:07:03,347 --> 00:07:05,518
-to feel pain?
-What's happening?
198
00:07:05,585 --> 00:07:08,424
You got dropped off to die,
didn't you, son?
199
00:07:08,491 --> 00:07:09,960
Well, then, die!
200
00:07:10,027 --> 00:07:12,198
Aah!
201
00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:13,635
I'm tapping out,
I'm tapping out!
202
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:16,139
Pick me up now or there
will be blood on your hands!
203
00:07:16,239 --> 00:07:17,475
I'll-I'll be a skeleton.
204
00:07:17,543 --> 00:07:19,179
There will be bones
on your hands!
205
00:07:19,246 --> 00:07:21,116
[producer]
Copy that, Wolf.
Stay where you are.
206
00:07:21,183 --> 00:07:23,120
-Someone's nearby.
-Nearby?!
207
00:07:23,186 --> 00:07:25,759
Oh, that's too far!
Aah!
208
00:07:26,393 --> 00:07:28,765
[groans]
So thirsty.
209
00:07:28,832 --> 00:07:29,900
[grunts]
210
00:07:29,967 --> 00:07:31,136
Aah!
211
00:07:31,236 --> 00:07:33,574
Wolf Tobin, nature has spoken.
212
00:07:33,675 --> 00:07:36,715
You are officially
picked up to live.
213
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:38,184
Yikes.
Ten hours.
214
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:41,389
Quickest tap out
in Dropped Off to Die history.
215
00:07:41,456 --> 00:07:42,960
[retches]
216
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,362
[crying]
217
00:07:44,462 --> 00:07:47,234
I drank the bad water.
218
00:07:51,443 --> 00:07:52,713
[Wolf groans]
Oh, man.
219
00:07:52,846 --> 00:07:55,418
My family's whole thing
is wilderness survival.
220
00:07:55,484 --> 00:07:57,556
It's even on our gorgeous
family crest.
221
00:07:57,623 --> 00:08:00,060
Right. You've said that
a few times.
222
00:08:00,127 --> 00:08:02,900
Oh, Father's going to exile me
to Indianapolis.
223
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,605
-It's supposed to be
lovely there.
-Andrew, don't.
224
00:08:05,672 --> 00:08:08,310
-Do I turn in here?
-No, no, no!
225
00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:10,214
This is close enough. I don't
want to be seen by my family,
226
00:08:10,314 --> 00:08:13,387
so I'm gonna wait it out
in the woods for a few years.
227
00:08:13,487 --> 00:08:15,625
Okay, but you know
the first episode
228
00:08:15,725 --> 00:08:16,961
airs in six days, right?
229
00:08:17,028 --> 00:08:19,099
We're non-union.
Our editors go through hell.
230
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,569
I know, Andrew.
231
00:08:20,635 --> 00:08:22,606
I'm gonna keep my family
from seeing the show this week
232
00:08:22,673 --> 00:08:24,142
by, uh, by...
233
00:08:24,209 --> 00:08:26,581
Ugh, damn, I thought I'd have it
by the end of that sentence.
234
00:08:26,647 --> 00:08:28,217
I'll think of something.
235
00:08:28,284 --> 00:08:29,953
Out here.
Alone again.
236
00:08:30,053 --> 00:08:31,156
[owl hoots]
237
00:08:31,223 --> 00:08:33,562
Oh, uh, actually,
y-you want to hang for a bit?
238
00:08:33,628 --> 00:08:36,466
I'll brew us up my famous
woods coffee. [weak chuckle]
239
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:39,339
Sure, as a P.A.,
I'm not allowed to say no.
240
00:08:39,439 --> 00:08:41,878
You got to unionize, Andrew.
241
00:08:41,945 --> 00:08:43,715
[Judy]
I wonder what Wolf
242
00:08:43,782 --> 00:08:45,050
is eating right now.
243
00:08:45,084 --> 00:08:47,021
Maybe a big old pot
of song sparrow stew?
244
00:08:47,121 --> 00:08:50,394
Whatever it is,
I'm sure he's rationing it well.
245
00:08:50,494 --> 00:08:52,098
He probably ate
a whole deer for lunch
246
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:55,505
and now he's just playing
its ribs like a xylophone.
247
00:08:55,605 --> 00:08:57,976
[scatting]
248
00:08:59,947 --> 00:09:02,118
[all scatting]
249
00:09:07,563 --> 00:09:10,000
What do you think
he's having for dessert?
250
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:13,608
If you want to race dirt bikes,
you got to pursue it, man.
251
00:09:13,675 --> 00:09:15,979
Okay, okay.
I-I promise I will.
252
00:09:16,079 --> 00:09:18,217
-[Beef whistling a tune]
-Oh, my God.
253
00:09:18,317 --> 00:09:21,289
That's my dad's unmistakable
ax-wielding whistle.
254
00:09:21,356 --> 00:09:23,026
-[choking]
-I can't let him see me.
255
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,863
[Andrew coughing]
256
00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:25,899
Hmm?
257
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:28,003
-[shushing]
-Sorry, I got a big rock
258
00:09:28,103 --> 00:09:29,272
in my woods coffee.
259
00:09:29,372 --> 00:09:31,276
[Beef]
Hello? Who's there?
260
00:09:31,376 --> 00:09:33,715
-[grunts]
-If you're a tree pervert,
261
00:09:33,815 --> 00:09:37,556
neither I nor my balsam poplars
consent.
262
00:09:37,623 --> 00:09:39,894
Oh, the woods are blown.
We got to get out of here.
263
00:09:39,961 --> 00:09:41,864
On three,
make a break for the van.
264
00:09:41,931 --> 00:09:43,701
-One...
-[engine starts]
265
00:09:44,703 --> 00:09:46,472
Andrew, why?
266
00:09:46,574 --> 00:09:48,845
Looks like your friend
deserted you.
267
00:09:48,945 --> 00:09:50,281
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, no.
268
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,586
Uh-oh, you're gonna get killed
by your own daddy.
269
00:09:52,686 --> 00:09:54,957
-[muffled grunt]
-Show yourself.
270
00:09:55,023 --> 00:09:56,627
[yelps]
271
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,035
Ow!
272
00:10:04,510 --> 00:10:06,479
You're safe now, friends.
273
00:10:06,547 --> 00:10:07,516
Huh.
274
00:10:07,582 --> 00:10:10,689
That sicko wears
the same sensible boot as Wolf.
275
00:10:10,756 --> 00:10:12,893
[whistling a tune]
276
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:13,794
[gasps]
277
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:16,968
Out of the woods,
into the concrete jungle.
278
00:10:17,068 --> 00:10:18,505
What the hell does that mean?
279
00:10:18,605 --> 00:10:20,174
I'm gonna hide
somewhere in town.
280
00:10:20,241 --> 00:10:22,812
Oh, okay.
Just say that.
281
00:10:23,614 --> 00:10:24,783
[Wolf]
All right, Cheesecake sleeps
282
00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,453
until 4:00 p.m. every day.
283
00:10:26,521 --> 00:10:28,357
That should give us time
to get in and...
284
00:10:28,457 --> 00:10:30,227
-Rob your friend blind?
-No.
285
00:10:30,294 --> 00:10:33,701
Find a disguise
and figure out my next move.
286
00:10:33,768 --> 00:10:35,805
[snoring]
287
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:41,984
Well, howdy.
288
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:43,154
[gasps]
289
00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:45,191
Greetings, my khaleesi.
290
00:10:45,258 --> 00:10:47,529
[Southern accent]
Hey, there, partner.
291
00:10:47,596 --> 00:10:48,865
-What the hell?
-Aah!
292
00:10:48,932 --> 00:10:50,902
[regular accent]
Oh, uh, uh, hi. Cheesecake.
293
00:10:51,002 --> 00:10:52,471
I, uh, the thing is, uh...
294
00:10:52,539 --> 00:10:55,178
Who are you?
How do you know my name?
295
00:10:55,211 --> 00:10:57,148
Oh, well, I'm, uh...
296
00:10:57,248 --> 00:10:59,954
[Southern accent]
Uh, Rick. Rick Drygoods.
297
00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:01,591
We met last night at a bar,
298
00:11:01,657 --> 00:11:03,427
and y'all invited me
to be your roommate.
299
00:11:03,493 --> 00:11:07,234
I'm a, uh, a widowed rancher
who just moved to town.
300
00:11:07,368 --> 00:11:08,504
That adds up.
301
00:11:08,604 --> 00:11:10,909
[yawns] Well, I'm gonna
go back to sleep.
302
00:11:11,777 --> 00:11:14,249
-Hang on a minute.
-[Wolf gasps]
303
00:11:14,349 --> 00:11:15,384
Uh, yes, sir?
304
00:11:15,484 --> 00:11:17,488
Condolences about your wife.
305
00:11:17,522 --> 00:11:19,192
Oh, mighty kind of you.
306
00:11:19,259 --> 00:11:22,031
Yeah, she's square dancing
with the Lord now.
307
00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:23,167
Amen.
308
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:24,703
[snoring]
309
00:11:26,072 --> 00:11:26,874
Oh, thank God.
310
00:11:27,074 --> 00:11:29,179
Time to start my new life
as Rick Drygoods.
311
00:11:29,245 --> 00:11:32,719
I got my shelter, but I'm gonna
have to wrangle myself some grub
312
00:11:32,819 --> 00:11:35,893
since Cheesecake here
survives on free candy canes
313
00:11:35,959 --> 00:11:37,095
from the car dealership.
314
00:11:37,195 --> 00:11:39,833
Your friend seems like
my kind of fella.
315
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,573
♪ Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick ♪
316
00:11:42,673 --> 00:11:45,010
♪ Rick, Rick, Rick ♪
317
00:11:45,077 --> 00:11:48,483
-♪ Drygoods ♪
-♪ Rick Drygoods. ♪
318
00:11:48,551 --> 00:11:51,490
Congrats, Rick,
you work here now.
319
00:11:51,558 --> 00:11:54,896
Three for the shelf,
one for the self.
320
00:11:55,565 --> 00:11:57,101
[Dirt]
So, this is
321
00:11:57,168 --> 00:11:58,538
a Cadillac, huh?
322
00:11:58,571 --> 00:12:00,842
Time to go see Santa.
323
00:12:01,878 --> 00:12:04,348
Cadillac margarita vibes.
324
00:12:04,448 --> 00:12:06,554
Polly desire a libation?
325
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:08,758
My God, this is fancy.
326
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,795
-Ho, ho, hello.
-[Dirt] Whoa.
327
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:13,367
That lady Easter Bunny
is objectively hot.
328
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,071
Let's have sex.
329
00:12:15,104 --> 00:12:17,208
[Wolf in Southern accent]
All right, got a place
330
00:12:17,275 --> 00:12:18,443
to hang my hat,
331
00:12:18,544 --> 00:12:19,814
a belly full of peas,
332
00:12:19,881 --> 00:12:21,918
things are going pretty good
for ol' Rick.
333
00:12:21,984 --> 00:12:23,454
Too bad you're not Rick.
334
00:12:23,588 --> 00:12:25,391
You're Wolf
and you're living a lie.
335
00:12:25,491 --> 00:12:27,963
Now, I don't cotton to that
kind of negative talk.
336
00:12:28,029 --> 00:12:29,900
Oh, I'm sorry,
did you already figure out
337
00:12:29,967 --> 00:12:33,240
how to stop your family from
seeing you were a Go-Home-Gary?
338
00:12:33,307 --> 00:12:34,610
[regular accent]
I'm still working on it.
339
00:12:34,677 --> 00:12:36,514
Working on what?
Just strangle 'em.
340
00:12:36,614 --> 00:12:37,950
What?!
What's wrong with you?
341
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:39,853
No bad ideas in a brainstorm.
342
00:12:39,953 --> 00:12:42,726
Fine. I'm writing it down,
but then I'm crossing it out.
343
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:44,563
Okay, but you better
think of something.
344
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,969
Clock's ticking.
Tick, tock.
345
00:12:52,011 --> 00:12:53,748
♪ Rick, Rick, Rick,
Rick, Rick! ♪
346
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:56,286
[Southern accent]
It's a good day to be Drygoods.
347
00:12:56,353 --> 00:12:57,789
Giddyup, Rick.
348
00:12:57,890 --> 00:13:00,428
Howdy, ma'am.
Name's Rick Drygoods.
349
00:13:00,494 --> 00:13:01,764
I'm a widowed rancher.
350
00:13:01,830 --> 00:13:03,802
And I'm a "widow" bit horny.
351
00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:06,807
♪ Why you got to give me
a fight? ♪
352
00:13:06,874 --> 00:13:09,078
♪ Why don't you just
let me be? ♪
353
00:13:09,145 --> 00:13:12,017
♪ Do what you like ♪
354
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:15,057
♪ Doing it naturally ♪
355
00:13:15,190 --> 00:13:16,192
♪ But if it's too... ♪
356
00:13:16,292 --> 00:13:17,629
-[laughing]
-Three more miles
357
00:13:17,662 --> 00:13:19,399
to Russell Crowe's
private island.
358
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,535
-[cheering]
-Ho, ho, ho, ho!
359
00:13:20,602 --> 00:13:22,471
Rick Drygoods.
Pleasure.
360
00:13:22,539 --> 00:13:24,710
Someday, I'll be Rick Drygoods.
361
00:13:24,777 --> 00:13:26,480
♪ Isn't it a mystery? ♪
362
00:13:26,547 --> 00:13:29,218
♪ If it's nobody's business ♪
363
00:13:29,285 --> 00:13:31,323
♪ It's everybody's game... ♪
364
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:32,993
-[grunts]
-Oh, my God!
365
00:13:33,059 --> 00:13:36,499
I killed that widowed rancher!
Drive, Dorothy, drive.
366
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,238
Nice wagon, lil' lady.
367
00:13:40,541 --> 00:13:42,177
[Ham]
Um, excuse me, sir.
368
00:13:42,244 --> 00:13:43,982
-No, no, no! [grunts]
-Aah!
369
00:13:44,048 --> 00:13:47,556
Sorry about that.
Uh, thought you were a-a bandit.
370
00:13:47,656 --> 00:13:48,925
How can I help y'all?
371
00:13:48,991 --> 00:13:50,695
Well, we're toasting
to my brother kicking butt
372
00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:54,001
on a TV show tonight, and I'm
looking for the sparkling cider.
373
00:13:54,068 --> 00:13:55,371
It used to be here.
374
00:13:55,438 --> 00:13:57,943
Uh, cider's down there
on aisle six.
375
00:13:58,043 --> 00:13:59,379
Easy number to remember
376
00:13:59,446 --> 00:14:01,216
'cause that's how many bullets
are in a revolver.
377
00:14:01,282 --> 00:14:03,186
-Thanks.
-You're welcome, Ham.
378
00:14:03,253 --> 00:14:04,589
[chuckles]
How'd you know my name?
379
00:14:04,656 --> 00:14:08,531
Oh, uh, I was actually talking
to that ham yonder.
380
00:14:08,631 --> 00:14:11,269
Oh, sure.
Hello, ham yonder.
381
00:14:11,336 --> 00:14:13,675
[gasps]
Well, it's, uh, mosey o'clock.
382
00:14:13,775 --> 00:14:15,177
Y'all come back now, you hear?
383
00:14:15,210 --> 00:14:17,248
-I will. Bye.
-[sniffs]
384
00:14:17,348 --> 00:14:20,087
Huh. That new widowed
ranch hand in town
385
00:14:20,187 --> 00:14:23,728
wears the same sensible
deodorant as Wolf. [sighs]
386
00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:26,065
Something very familiar
about that fella.
387
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:29,673
Follow me to the cider.
It's on aisle... [mumbles]
388
00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:33,714
Oh, crap. How many bullets
does a revolver have again?
389
00:14:34,348 --> 00:14:35,484
[Wolf in regular accent]
Oh, dang.
390
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:36,920
I'm officially out of ideas.
391
00:14:36,987 --> 00:14:39,693
-And the show starts tonight.
-[Cheesecake] Come on.
392
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,195
[grunts]
393
00:14:41,262 --> 00:14:43,968
[Southern accent]
Uh, what seems to be
the trouble, hombre?
394
00:14:44,102 --> 00:14:46,940
Aw, it's the dang
satellite dish. It's out again.
395
00:14:47,041 --> 00:14:49,045
[regular accent]
Oh, my God, that's it!
396
00:14:49,145 --> 00:14:50,314
That's what I'll do!
397
00:14:50,381 --> 00:14:53,621
Wait, no I lost it.
Wait, no I got it again.
398
00:14:55,892 --> 00:14:58,598
All right,
time to ditch the dish.
399
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,637
You know, after this, we should
do some more crazy crap.
400
00:15:01,771 --> 00:15:03,541
I'm calling it Project Chaos.
401
00:15:03,608 --> 00:15:06,613
Ugh, for the last time,
we're not doing Project Chaos.
402
00:15:06,713 --> 00:15:07,916
We don't have to decide now.
403
00:15:07,983 --> 00:15:10,354
That's the beauty
of Project Chaos.
404
00:15:10,454 --> 00:15:11,690
[muffled grunt]
405
00:15:18,871 --> 00:15:19,940
[grunts]
406
00:15:20,007 --> 00:15:22,144
[panting]
407
00:15:24,248 --> 00:15:27,354
Damn, that man can steep a bag.
408
00:15:30,427 --> 00:15:33,534
Uh, oh, my enemy:
daddy longlegs!
409
00:15:35,003 --> 00:15:36,607
[grunts]
410
00:15:42,552 --> 00:15:44,355
[exclaims, grunts]
411
00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:52,137
Ew, ew, ew!
Why are their legs so long?
412
00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:58,283
And now I simply...
413
00:15:59,051 --> 00:16:01,857
[whoops]
I did it! Problem solved!
414
00:16:01,924 --> 00:16:04,395
Aah! Aah!
415
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,166
[Beef]
All right, everybody,
416
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:07,435
let's get down to the gazebo
417
00:16:07,468 --> 00:16:08,771
-for the viewing party.
-[door closes]
418
00:16:08,838 --> 00:16:10,274
I heard the whole town's
coming out,
419
00:16:10,341 --> 00:16:13,046
even Gerald the male witch
who lives by the dump.
420
00:16:13,113 --> 00:16:15,284
Do you think Wolf's gonna
remember us after this?
421
00:16:15,317 --> 00:16:19,325
No way, and it will be an honor
to be forgotten by him.
422
00:16:19,392 --> 00:16:20,695
[engine starts]
423
00:16:20,829 --> 00:16:21,964
[van drives away]
424
00:16:22,031 --> 00:16:24,268
Viewing party?
For the whole town?
425
00:16:24,301 --> 00:16:25,203
Oh, no.
426
00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:27,475
I guess there's only
one thing left to do.
427
00:16:27,543 --> 00:16:30,549
You better not say, "Face your
fears and admit your shame."
428
00:16:30,682 --> 00:16:31,950
I hate that kind of crap.
429
00:16:31,984 --> 00:16:34,188
I hate that crap, too,
so I'm not doing it.
430
00:16:34,255 --> 00:16:36,827
We're stealing a snow machine,
going into town,
431
00:16:36,894 --> 00:16:40,569
and taking out the power grid.
Aah!
432
00:16:40,635 --> 00:16:42,404
[Judy]
Wow, front row?
433
00:16:42,471 --> 00:16:45,612
My neck's gonna get messed up!
434
00:16:45,712 --> 00:16:47,749
Oh, there's Rick from Val-U-Buy.
435
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:50,622
He helped me find sparkling
cider when I'd lost all hope.
436
00:16:50,689 --> 00:16:54,128
Howdy, Mr. Drygoods.
It's me, the other Ham.
437
00:16:54,228 --> 00:16:58,971
Huh, Rick uses the same
sensible bolt cutters as I do.
438
00:16:59,038 --> 00:17:01,342
And that's Wolf's snow machi--
439
00:17:01,409 --> 00:17:03,112
Oh, I see.
440
00:17:06,921 --> 00:17:09,091
I'm sorry, local hospitals.
441
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,029
-Hey there, cowboy.
-[gasps] Oh, no.
442
00:17:11,129 --> 00:17:14,368
Yes!
It's finally strangling time.
443
00:17:18,409 --> 00:17:20,113
[Southern accent]
Well, hey there Dad.
Um, uh, "Dad"
444
00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:22,986
is what we call strangers
on the-the range.
445
00:17:23,086 --> 00:17:25,758
Oh, well in that case.
Hello, Dad, back at you.
446
00:17:25,825 --> 00:17:28,764
I couldn't help but notice
you pointing those bolt cutters
447
00:17:28,864 --> 00:17:30,802
right at the
Lone Moose power grid.
448
00:17:30,869 --> 00:17:33,206
Uh, power grid?
What in the west?
449
00:17:33,307 --> 00:17:35,846
Project Chaos his ass.
[muffled grunts]
450
00:17:35,912 --> 00:17:38,985
It seems like you were about to
cut the power to the whole town.
451
00:17:39,052 --> 00:17:41,189
And, well, you see,
we need that power grid
452
00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:43,895
for tonight's Dropped Off To Die
viewing party.
453
00:17:43,962 --> 00:17:46,366
My son, Wolf Tobin, is on it.
454
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,403
Well, he sounds like a someone
455
00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:50,975
who definitely isn't me.
[chuckles]
456
00:17:51,042 --> 00:17:52,578
Oh, of course.
I'm just concerned
457
00:17:52,679 --> 00:17:54,783
Wolf may have
tapped out of the show
458
00:17:54,883 --> 00:17:56,452
and gone into hiding
out of shame.
459
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,258
Sounds like a big chicken.
[clucks]
460
00:17:59,358 --> 00:18:02,398
I just hope he knows his family
isn't ashamed of him.
461
00:18:02,465 --> 00:18:04,234
Wait, so you wouldn't be ashamed
462
00:18:04,335 --> 00:18:06,840
even if he was
a pathetic Go-Home-Gary?
463
00:18:06,907 --> 00:18:10,413
I mean, i-if your son can't
be alone in the wilderness,
464
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,451
is he even really a Tobin?
465
00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:14,255
Uh, what about the family crest?
466
00:18:14,355 --> 00:18:17,094
That crest hasn't been
updated since the 1800s.
467
00:18:17,194 --> 00:18:19,600
And I can assure you,
Rick Drygoods,
468
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:22,772
my son Wolf is a Tobin
through and through.
469
00:18:22,872 --> 00:18:24,442
[crying] Really?
[sniffles]
470
00:18:24,543 --> 00:18:28,350
Sorry. Was just thinking
of my wife Jinny-Belle's grave.
471
00:18:28,450 --> 00:18:31,289
So, what do you think this
son of yours ought to do?
472
00:18:31,356 --> 00:18:34,963
Uh, I'll tell him if I bump
into him on a cattle run.
473
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:36,233
Well, from my experience,
474
00:18:36,333 --> 00:18:39,840
shame loses its power
once we embrace it.
475
00:18:39,907 --> 00:18:42,211
Now, that's a lick of wisdom.
476
00:18:42,278 --> 00:18:44,683
Thank you, Mr. Dad.
477
00:18:45,316 --> 00:18:47,822
Good evening, Lone Moose,
and welcome to our screening
478
00:18:47,889 --> 00:18:49,993
of Dropped Off To Die
featuring local hero--
479
00:18:50,093 --> 00:18:52,365
Hold your hot horny horses!
480
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:54,168
Hey, that's my roommate.
481
00:18:54,268 --> 00:18:56,606
Oh, uh, good evening,
Mr. Drygoods. I--
482
00:18:56,707 --> 00:18:58,476
And to you as well, there,
Mr. Mayor.
483
00:18:58,577 --> 00:19:02,184
Mind if I hitch my wagon to your
microphone and say a few words?
484
00:19:02,251 --> 00:19:04,590
-Oh, um, uh, well, I--
-Thank you.
485
00:19:04,690 --> 00:19:06,794
Thanks, everyone,
for your big ol' tractor
486
00:19:06,894 --> 00:19:08,130
of a welcome this week.
487
00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:11,336
But I, uh,
have to tell y'all something.
488
00:19:11,402 --> 00:19:13,373
I'm not Rick Drygoods.
489
00:19:13,473 --> 00:19:14,910
[regular accent]
I'm Wolf Tobin.
490
00:19:15,010 --> 00:19:17,882
-[audience gasps]
-[Wolf] My wife
is alive and well.
491
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:19,787
-What?!
-What is going on?
492
00:19:19,887 --> 00:19:21,691
Why are you telling people
your wife's dead?
493
00:19:21,757 --> 00:19:23,861
Well, the truth is
I've been home for a while,
494
00:19:23,928 --> 00:19:26,900
hiding because I tapped out
of Dropped Off To Die.
495
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,106
Wolf is Rick Drygoods?!
496
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,912
Yes, Ham.
And I'm sorry I lied.
497
00:19:32,979 --> 00:19:34,783
A wise dad just told me
if I stopped
498
00:19:34,849 --> 00:19:37,755
hiding from the shame,
maybe I'd take away its power.
499
00:19:37,855 --> 00:19:42,364
So, now you know,
and I hope you enjoy the show.
500
00:19:42,464 --> 00:19:43,934
♪ ♪
501
00:19:44,001 --> 00:19:46,707
I'm Donna Nouget,
and I'm a manager at Walmart.
502
00:19:46,807 --> 00:19:48,845
Surviving the wilderness
will be nothing
503
00:19:48,911 --> 00:19:52,184
compared to wrangling carts
in the parking lot.
504
00:19:53,219 --> 00:19:56,927
Hi my name's Wolf Tobin,
and I'm a Tobin from Lone Moose.
505
00:19:57,027 --> 00:19:59,031
[audience cheering]
506
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:02,972
-To the Tobins,
I'm gonna do you guys proud.
-[all] Aw.
507
00:20:03,072 --> 00:20:06,513
-[Wolf]
Stay the hell back, Snowbins!
-[laughing]
508
00:20:07,314 --> 00:20:09,619
[Wolf]
There'll be bones on your hands!
509
00:20:09,686 --> 00:20:11,523
[laughing]
510
00:20:13,728 --> 00:20:16,900
I drank the bad water.
511
00:20:19,205 --> 00:20:20,908
[cheering]
512
00:20:22,344 --> 00:20:23,781
[audience chanting]
Wolf! Wolf!
513
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:26,653
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
514
00:20:26,753 --> 00:20:28,423
Me? Me? Me?
515
00:20:28,490 --> 00:20:29,492
You guys liked that?
516
00:20:29,593 --> 00:20:30,929
-I loved it!
-[all clamoring]
517
00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:33,032
Wolf, I need to get
your autograph for my niece.
518
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:34,301
And one for me.
519
00:20:34,368 --> 00:20:37,474
Someday, I'll sign
an autograph for a niece.
520
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,215
I just want to say again
521
00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:43,621
thanks for not being
ashamed of me, fam.
522
00:20:43,688 --> 00:20:45,992
Ashamed?
That was hilarious.
523
00:20:46,059 --> 00:20:47,929
You brought joy to dozens.
524
00:20:48,029 --> 00:20:49,933
Huh. The satellite
seems to be out.
525
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,507
He's on to us. Time to burn
the house down. [cackles]
526
00:20:53,574 --> 00:20:56,580
Hey, Moon, you mind sanding down
some of the edges on this?
527
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:57,616
You got it.
528
00:20:57,682 --> 00:21:01,122
No. Not my edges.
Don't sand my little ass!
529
00:21:01,757 --> 00:21:04,195
♪ Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle,
pretty as a peach ♪
530
00:21:04,228 --> 00:21:07,201
♪ Sweet as pure molasses,
always fighting geese ♪
531
00:21:07,301 --> 00:21:10,473
♪ Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle,
my sweet darling bride ♪
532
00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:12,846
♪ You distrusted apples,
wouldn't keep 'em inside ♪
533
00:21:12,913 --> 00:21:16,485
♪ When we met at the hoedown,
you gave me a chance ♪
534
00:21:16,586 --> 00:21:19,458
♪ Terrified of music,
but you sure loved to dance ♪
535
00:21:19,559 --> 00:21:22,397
♪ Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle,
lovely, never plain ♪
536
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:25,538
♪ Always holding metal,
especially in the rain ♪
537
00:21:25,638 --> 00:21:28,042
♪ Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle,
you loved flying kites ♪
538
00:21:28,176 --> 00:21:29,946
-♪ So, you're
right by a cliff-- ♪
-[shrieks]
539
00:21:30,013 --> 00:21:31,850
♪ Dang! now I am widowed. ♪
540
00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,054
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
541
00:21:34,121 --> 00:21:36,560
and TOYOTA.
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