Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

I'VE COME BACK.

GIVE ME A DRINK, BROTHER KIPLING.

DON'T YOU KNOW ME?

NO.

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I TOLD YOU.

GIVE ME A DRINK.

IT WAS ALL SETTLED...

RIGHT HERE IN THIS OFFICE.

REMEMBER?

DANNY AND ME SIGNED A CONTRACT,

AND YOU WITNESSED IT.

YOU...

STOOD OVER THERE.

I STOOD THERE,

AND DANIEL STOOD HERE.

REMEMBER?

CARNEHAN!

PEACHY TALIAFERRO CARNEHAN.

OF COURSE!

KEEP LOOKING AT ME.

IT HELPS TO KEEP MY SOUL FROM FLYING OFF.

CARNEHAN.

THE SAME

AND NOT THE SAME,

WHO SAT BESIDE YOU IN A FIRST-CLASS CARRIAGE

ON THE TRAIN TO MARWAR JUNCTION

3 SUMMERS AND A THOUSAND YEARS AGO.

JODHPORE, PLEASE.

BLAST!

Man: ALL ABOARD!

MAY I?

RIDING IN THIS BLOODY ASH CART

IS LIKE GETTING KICKED IN THE REAR

BY A BATTERY MULE EVERY 10 MINUTES.

MR. CLUTTERBURY DAS,

FAILED ENTRANCE EXAMINATION, CALCUTTA UNIVERSITY, 1863,

WRITER OF CORRESPONDENCE FOR THE ILLITERATE GENERAL PUBLIC.

SHUT UP!

THANK YOU, SIR.

OUT THE WINDOW, BABU.

THANK YOU, SIR.

OUTSIDE, YOU INKY-FINGERED THING!

AHHHH!

AND I HOPE YOU BREAK YOUR DIRTY NECK!

THANK YOU, SIR!

GOOD GOD, MAN, YOU MIGHT HAVE KILLED THE CHAP!

SERVES HIM RIGHT.

WE'RE NOT MAKING 5 MILES AN HOUR

ON THIS GRADE.

YES, BUT WHY?

I CAUGHT HIM STEALING YOUR WATCH.

MY WATCH?

I SAY, IT IS MY WATCH.

WELL!

I'M VERY MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU, MR...

CARNEHAN,

FORMER GUNNERY SERGEANT IN HER MAJESTY'S FORCES.

MINE'S KIPLING.

MAY I OFFER YOU A DRINK?

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

YOU'VE KNOCKED ABOUT INDIA A BIT, I TAKE IT.

YOU CAN SAY THAT TWICE.

ON FOOT, ON HORSEBACK, AND ON CAMEL.

YOU DON'T LOOK TOO GREEN YOURSELF, EITHER.

NO, I WAS BORN IN INDIA.

GREAT COUNTRY... OR WAS...

TILL THE BUREAUCRATS TOOK OVER

AND RUINED EVERYTHING.

HOPE YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THEM.

NO, I'M NOT A BUREAUCRAT.

NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

THEY'RE USUALLY NARROW-CHESTED CHAPS

WITH LONG NOSES FOR LOOKING DOWN AT YOU,

AND I'VE YET TO HAVE ONE OF THEM

OFFER ME A DRINK.

GLEN LEVET, 12 YEARS OLD.

YOU'VE AN EDUCATED TASTE IN WHISKEY.

I'VE AN EDUCATED TASTE IN WHISKEY AND WOMEN,

WAISTCOATS, AND BILLS OF FARE.

I'VE HAD FEW CHANCES TO EXERCISE IT LATELY,

BECAUSE THEM THAT GOVERNS

SPEND ALL THEIR TIME MAKING UP NEW LAWS

TO STOP MEN LIKE YOU AND ME

FROM GETTING ANYWHERE.

AND WHOSE LOSS IS IT, EH?

WHY, ENGLAND'S, OF COURSE.

BECAUSE IF WE WERE GIVEN OUR HEADS,

IT WOULDN'T BE 70 MILLION

SHE'D BE MAKING IN REVENUES.

BE 700 MILLIONS, RIGHT?

I QUITE AGREE, YES.

WHERE ARE YOU HEADED FOR?

JODHPORE.

WILL YOU BE TRAVELING BACK ALONG THIS LINE?

IN ABOUT 10 DAYS TIME.

COULD YOU MAKE IT 8?

I MUST GET A MESSAGE TO A MAN

WHO'LL BE TRAVELING THROUGH MARWAR JUNCTION

ON THE BOMBAY MAIL ON THE NIGHT OF THE 24th.

HE EXPECTS ME TO MEET HIM THERE, BUT I CAN'T.

I'VE GOT URGENT BUSINESS IN THE SOUTH.

OH, I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HELP YOU THERE.

SUPPOSING I WAS TO ASK YOU

AS A STRANGER GOING TO THE WEST

TO SEEK FOR THAT WHICH WAS LOST.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, THEN?

I SHOULD ANSWER, WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?

FROM THE EAST,

AND I AM HOPING THAT YOU WILL GIVE MY MESSAGE

ON THE SQUARE

FOR THE SAKE OF THE WIDOW'S SON.

WHICH LODGE DO YOU HAIL FROM?

TRAVELING LODGE 3276, THE FORE AND FIT,

THE QUEEN'S OWN ROYAL LOYAL LIGHT INFANTRY,

REGIMENTAL DISTRICT 329A.

TO WHOM SHALL I DELIVER THE MESSAGE?

DANIEL DRAVOT.

DRAVOT? YES.

A BIG MAN WITH LONG GRAY SIDEBOARDS.

YOU'LL FIND HIM

SURROUNDED BY ALL HIS LUGGAGE

IN A FIRST-CLASS COMPARTMENT.

DON'T YOU BE AFRAID.

JUST SLIP THE WINDOW DOWN AND SAY,

"PEACHY'S GONE SOUTH FOR THE WEEK."

"PEACHY'S GONE SOUTH FOR THE WEEK."

YES, AND HE'LL TUMBLE.

WELL, I'LL BE GETTING OFF NOW,

BEFORE WE REACH THE STATION.

BY THE WAY, BROTHER CARNEHAN...

I MISSED MY WATCH IN THE STATION

BEFORE BOARDING THE TRAIN.

HOW WAS I TO KNOW YOU WERE A MASON?

OH!

WHAT'S THIS?

GOD'S HOLY TROUSERS! TICKETS AGAIN?

IS YOUR NAME DRAVOT, SIR?

HMM?

I'M TO SAY THAT

"PEACHY HAS GONE SOUTH FOR THE WEEK."

HE'S GONE SOUTH FOR THE WEEK.

DID HE SAY I WAS TO GIVE YOU ANYTHING

FOR TELLING ME THIS?

BECAUSE I WON'T.

NO, HE DIDN'T.

THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT?

FOR THE SAKE OF THE WIDOW'S SON.

HE SAID SOUTH, DID HE?

YES.

THAT'LL BE DEGUMBER.

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE A PAL OF PEACHY'S,

I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO PUT THE SCREW ON THE RAJAH

FOR WHAT HE DID TO HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW...

OH?

FILLED HER WITH RED PEPPERS,

HUNG HER OVER A BEAM,

AND FLOGGED HER TO DEATH.

YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU INTEND TO BLACKMAIL HIM?

OH, MAN, YOU WOULDN'T GET OUT OF DEGUMBER ALIVE!

IF THEY DON'T CUT YOUR THROATS,

THEY'LL CERTAINLY POISON YOU.

BOTH HAVE BEEN TRIED MORE THAN ONCE,

BUT PEACHY AND ME, WE DON'T KILL EASILY.

BUT THE RAJAH'S AN INDEPENDENT RULER.

HE ANSWERS TO NOBODY.

HOW DO YOU HOPE TO PUT THE SCREW ON HIM?

BY TELLING HIM

WE'RE CORRESPONDENTS FOR THE NORTHERN STAR.

YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

BECAUSE I AM THE CORRESPONDENT

OF THE NORTHERN STAR!

YOU WHAT?

I'M THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE NORTHERN STAR!

EH? WHAT'D YOU SAY, BROTHER?

WE TOOK THEM AT THE DEGUMBER BORDER,

SO THERE'S A QUESTION

OF JURISDICTION INVOLVED.

BUT A CHARGE OF CONSPIRACY TO BLACKMAIL

MIGHT BE BROUGHT.

I DIDN'T LAY THIS INFORMATION BEFORE YOU

AS A CRIMINAL PROSECUTION, SIR...

ONLY TO SAVE THEIR LIVES.

THEN MAY I ASK WHAT PARTICULAR INTEREST

YOU HAVE IN THESE SCOUNDRELS?

WELL, THEY... THEY HAPPEN TO BE...

FREEMASONS, LIKE MYSELF.

FREEMASONS? THOSE CHAPS?

I SHOULD THINK YOU WOULD

STRIKE THEM OFF YOUR ROLL.

OH, ONCE A MASON, ALWAYS A MASON.

NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND

HOW PERFECTLY PROPER CHAPS LIKE YOURSELF

CAN GO ABOUT ON PUBLIC OCCASIONS

WEARING APRONS AND SASHES

SHAKING HANDS WITH TOTAL STRANGERS.

JUST WHAT IS MASONRY, KIPLING?

OH, IT'S AN ANCIENT ORDER

DEDICATED TO THE BROTHERHOOD OF MAN

UNDER THE ALL-SEEING EYE OF GOD.

WE SHOULD HAVE DONE WELL

TO HAVE LEFT THAT SORT OF THING

BEHIND US IN ENGLAND, MY FRIEND.

IT COULD NEVER WORK HERE.

OH, THERE ARE TALES THAT IT DID WORK HERE

BEFORE WE EVER CAME.

SOME AUDACIOUS SCHOLARS CAN EVEN TRACE IT

BACK TO THE BUILDERS OF SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.

OLD WIVES' TALES, I SUSPECT.

YES... IN ALL LIKELIHOOD, SIR.

WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT YOUR LODGE BROTHERS.

RIGHT...

TURN!

HALT!

HATS OFF!

YOU MEN ARE NOT UNDER ARREST

THANKS TO MR. KIPLING HERE,

WHO HAPPENS TO BE A GENUINE CORRESPONDENT

FOR THE NORTHERN STAR,

BUT BOTH OF YOU RICHLY DESERVE TO BE IN JAIL.

I HAVE YOUR RECORDS BEFORE ME.

THERE'S EVERYTHING IN THEM

FROM SMUGGLING TO SWINDLING,

TO RECEIVING STOLEN GOODS,

TO BAREFACED BLACKMAIL.

SIR, I RESENT THE ACCUSATION

OF BLACKMAIL.

IT IS BLACKMAIL TO OBTAIN MONEY

BY THREATS OF PUBLISHING INFORMATION

IN A NEWSPAPER.

BUT WHAT BLACKMAIL IS THERE

IN ACCEPTING A SMALL RETAINER

FOR KEEPING IT OUT OF A NEWSPAPER?

AND HOW DID YOU PROPOSE TO KEEP IT OUT?

BY TELLING THE EDITOR

WHAT I KNOW ABOUT HIS SISTER

AND A CERTAIN GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL IN THESE PARTS.

LET HIM PUT THAT IN HIS PAPER

IF HE HAS NEED OF NEWS.

AHEM. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WISER

IF YOU'D BOTH GONE HOME

AT THE END OF YOUR ARMY SERVICE.

HOME TO WHAT?

A PORTER'S UNIFORM OUTSIDE A RESTAURANT

AND TIPS FROM BELCHING CIVILIANS

FOR CLOSING CAB DOORS

ON THEM AND THEIR BLOWZY WOMEN?

NOT FOR US, THANK YOU.

NOT AFTER WATCHING AFGHANS

COME HOWLING DOWN OUT OF THE HILLS

AND TAKING BATTLEFIELD COMMAND

WHEN ALL THE OFFICERS HAD COPPED IT.

WELL SAID, BROTHER DRAVOT.

THERE MAY BE NO CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST YOU,

BUT I'LL SEE THESE FILES REACH CALCUTTA

WITH THE RECOMMENDATION

THAT YOU BE DEPORTED AS POLITICAL UNDESIRABLES,

DETRIMENTS TO THE DIGNITY OF THE EMPIRE!

DETRIMENTS YOU CALL US? DETRIMENTS?

WELL, I WANT TO REMIND YOU

IT WAS DETRIMENTS LIKE US

THAT BUILT THIS BLOODY EMPIRE!

HATS ON!

ABOUT TURN!

BY THE LEFT, QUICK MARCH!

LEFT...

TURN!

THERE'S NO NEED TO LET ANY OF THIS

GET INTO THE STAR, I TAKE IT.

HUH? NO.

COPY!

HERE.

MY GOD, YOU TWO!

WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?

WE WANT TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

ANOTHER FAVOR?

CALM YOURSELF, BROTHER KIPLING.

WE'VE NEVER TAKEN ADVANTAGE

OF A FELLOW IN THE CRAFT.

WE DON'T WANT MONEY... JUST A LITTLE OF YOUR TIME,

A LOOK AT A BOOK OR 2,

A STUDY OF YOUR MAPS.

WE'LL TAKE A DRINK IF ONE'S BEING OFFERED,

BUT WE WON'T BE PUT OUT IF ONE ISN'T.

PEACHY HERE IS AS SOBER AS I AM.

IT'S IMPORTANT YOU HAVE NO DOUBTS ON THAT SCORE.

SO... WE'LL TAKE ONE OF YOUR CIGARS APIECE,

AND YOU SHALL WATCH US LIGHT UP.

AND NOW, SIR,

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO BROTHER PEACHY CARNEHAN,

WHICH IS HIM,

AND BROTHER DANIEL DRAVOT, WHICH IS I.

THE LESS SAID ABOUT OUR PROFESSIONS THE BETTER,

BUT WE HAVE BEEN MOST THINGS IN OUR TIME.

WE'VE BEEN ALL OVER INDIA.

WE KNOW HER CITIES, HER JUNGLES,

HER JAILS, AND HER PALACES,

AND WE HAVE DECIDED THAT SHE ISN'T BIG ENOUGH

FOR SUCH AS WE.

YES, THAT'S WHAT I UNDERSTOOD

THE COMMISSIONER TO SAY.

THEREFORE, WE ARE GOING AWAY

TO ANOTHER PLACE,

WHERE A MAN ISN'T CROWDED

AND CAN COME INTO HIS OWN.

WE'RE NOT LITTLE MEN,

SO WE'RE GOING AWAY TO BE KINGS...

KINGS OF KAFIRISTAN.

OH. KAFIRISTAN!

WE HEAR THEY HAVE 2 AND 30 IDOLS THERE,

SO WE'LL BE THE 33rd AND 34th.

IT'S A PLACE OF WARRING TRIBES,

WHICH IS TO SAY

A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY FOR SUCH AS WE,

WHO KNOW HOW TO TRAIN MEN

AND LEAD THEM INTO BATTLE.

WE'LL GO THERE.

WE'LL SAY TO ANY CHIEF WE CAN FIND,

"DO YOU WANT VANQUISH YOUR FOES?"

"OF COURSE," HE'LL SAY. "GO TO IT."

WE'LL FIGHT FOR HIM, MAKE HIM KING,

THEN WE'LL SUBVERT THAT KING.

WE'LL SEIZE HIS ROYAL THRONE

AND LOOT THE COUNTRY 4 WAYS FROM SUNDAY.

HOW'S THAT FOR A PLAN?

YOU'RE BOTH OUT OF YOUR MINDS.

TO START WITH...

THE ONLY WAY TO GET THERE IS THROUGH AFGHANISTAN.

KAFIRISTAN? NO, NO, NO.

2 WHITE MEN ON THEIR OWN WOULD BE CUT TO PIECES

BEFORE THEY WENT 5 MILES INTO THE KHAIBER PASS.

JUST SUPPOSE WE MANAGED IT...

JUST SUPPOSE...

AND SUPPOSE WE GOT ACROSS

THE AFGHAN PLAINS.

THEN WHAT?

THERE'S THE HINDU KUTCH,

A FROZEN SEA OF PEAKS AND GLACIERS.

A PARTY OF GEOGRAPHERS... A MAPPING EXPEDITION...

TRIED SEVERAL YEARS AGO AND VANISHED INTO THIN AIR.

NO WHITE MAN HAS EVER BEEN THERE AND COME OUT

SINCE ALEXANDER.

ALEXANDER WHO?

ALEXANDER THE GREAT, KING OF GREECE,

ABOUT 300 YEARS BEFORE CHRIST.

WELL, IF A GREEK CAN DO IT, WE CAN DO IT.

RIGHT.

I CAN ONLY REPEAT,

YOU'RE A PAIR OF LUNATICS.

WOULD A PAIR OF LUNATICS

DRAW UP A CONTRACT LIKE THIS?

"THIS CONTRACT BETWEEN ME AND YOU,

"IN THE NAME OF GOD, AMEN, SO FORTH.

"ONE... THAT YOU AND ME WILL SETTLE THIS MATTER TOGETHER,

"I.E., TO BE KINGS OF KAFIRISTAN.

"2... THAT YOU AND ME WILL NOT,

"WHILE THIS MATTER IS BEING SETTLED,

"LOOK AT ANY LIQUOR NOR ANY WOMAN

"BLACK, WHITE, OR BROWN,

"SO AS TO GET MIXED UP WITH ONE OR THE OTHER HARMFUL.

"3... THAT WE CONDUCT OURSELVES

"WITH DIGNITY AND DISCRETION,

"AND IF ONE OF US GETS INTO TROUBLE,

"THE OTHER ONE WILL STAY BY HIM...

SIGNED BY YOU AND ME THIS DAY."

THERE'S NO NEED FOR THE LAST ARTICLE,

BUT IT'S GOT A RING TO IT.

AH.

DANIEL?

NOW... YOU WITNESS IT,

AND IT'S LEGAL.

WELL, GENTLEMEN,

IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

DON'T YOU STAND ON POLITENESS,

BROTHER KIPLING.

IF YOU WANT TO GO TO BED,

WE WON'T STEAL ANYTHING.

THANK YOU.

WE'LL SEND WORD WHEN WE'RE READY TO PUSH OFF,

IN CASE YOU WANT TO BID US A FOND GOOD-BYE.

THAT'S FINE.

TRY NOT TO BURN THE PLACE DOWN.

HERE WE ARE!

"KAFIRISTAN.

"10,000 SQUARE MILES,

"MOUNTAINOUS TERRAIN,

"RELIGION UNKNOWN,

"POPULATION UNKNOWN.

"CONQUERED BY ALEXANDER

"IN 328 B.C.

"ACCORDING TO HERIODITUS,

"HE DEFEATED KING OX Y-ARTES

"WHOSE DAUGHTER ROXANNE

HE SUBSEQUENTLY TOOK TO WIFE."

JUST RIGHT FOR YOUR WIFE, SIR?

AAA... YA!

YOU BUY FROM ME, SIR.

I MAKE THEM RIGHT PRICE.

VERY CHEAP FOR YOU.

AH! AH! AH!

VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD, SIR.

OUR FORWARD CONTINUANCE IS IMPEDED BY THIS FELLOW, SIR,

WHO IS BEGGING THE SAHIB

THAT HE WILL ACCOMPANY WITH HIM

THAT HE MAY SHOW TO YOU A RARE AND WONDERFUL THING.

THING? WHAT THING?

INDEED, THE MAN WOULD NOT SAY WHAT THING.

THEREFORE, SAHIB, SIR, I SUSPECT BAD INTENTIONS

TO ENTICE THE SAHIB

INTO A NAUGHTY HOUSE OF DISREPUTATION

WHERE HE WILL TAKE YOU AND KILL YOU

AND MURDER YOU AND CUT YOUR THROAT

AND ROB THE MONEY FROM YOUR POCKET.

CRIKEY. WAIT FOR ME AT THE OFFICE.

BUT, SIR...

MORNING TO YOU, BROTHER.

GLAD YOU STOPPED BY

AND CAUGHT THE MATINEE PERFORMANCE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?

WELL, IT'S CONVINCING ENOUGH,

BUT WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU 2 RASCALS UP TO NOW?

LAST WEEK, IT WAS KINGS YOU WERE TO BE...

OF KAFIRISTAN, AS I REMEMBER.

RIGHT, BUT WE GOT TO GET THERE FIRST.

MADNESS IS THE TRICK.

WHO'D HURT SOME POOR CRAZY PRIEST AND HIS SERVANT?

PEACHY WORKED OUT THIS. WE'VE USED IT BEFORE.

YOU SEE, HE'S GOOD WITH THE LINGO.

HE DOES THE TALKING, WHILE I ACT DUMB AND BARMY-LIKE.

I'VE GOT SO I CAN DO THE CLOWNING PRETTY GOOD NOW.

I CAN TWITCH SO AS TO PUT THE FEAR OF ALLAH

INTO ANY GOOD MUSLIM.

AND I CAN FROTH AT THE MOUTH SOMETHING HORRID.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

I CAN IMAGINE.

ALL RIGHT, THEN. SOME OTHER TIME, PERHAPS.

COME OVER HERE.

GIVE IT A TOUCH-UP DOWN HERE.

RIFLES?

MARTINIS... 20 OF THEM...

AND AMMUNITION.

COST US EVERY SOU

WE SQUEEZED OUT OF THE RAJAH OF DEGUMBER.

GOOD HEAVENS.

YOU MEAN YOU WENT BACK THERE?

OF COURSE, BROTHER KIPLING.

WELL, HEAVEN HELP YOU

IF YOU'RE CAUGHT WITH THOSE AT THE BORDER.

GUN RUNNING ISN'T EXACTLY NEW TO US.

WELL, BROTHER KIPLING,

GOOD-BYE.

MANY THANKS.

MAN...

DON'T DO IT.

THE ODDS ARE TOO GREAT.

WISH US LUCK.

WE MET UPON THE LEVEL...

AND WE'RE PARTING ON THE SQUARE.

GOOD LUCK INDEED.

COME ALONG, YOU UGLY BEAST.

WAIT!

HERE.

TAKE THIS.

Peachy: LAST TIME DANNY AND ME

CAME THROUGH THE KHAIBER PASS,

WE FOUGHT OUR WAY...

YARD BY BLOODY YARD,

AND GENERAL BOBBS CALLED US HEROES AFTERWARDS.

BUT THAT WAS YEARS AGO, AND TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

BLAST! LOOK WHO'S ON SENTRY.

MULVANEY.

THAT LOUDMOUTHED MICK FROM THE BLACK TYRONE.

PRIVATE MULVANEY!

COME TO ATTENTION WHEN I'M ADDRESSING YOU.

SLOPE ARMS!

PRESENT ARMS!

MARK TIME!

AT THE DOUBLE!

CORPORAL OF THE GUARD!

SIR!

PUT PRIVATE MULVANEY UNDER CLOSE ARREST.

BLOODY MAN'S DRUNK AGAIN!

Peachy: WE CAME THROUGH THE KHAIBER

WITH THAT CARAVAN

DOING ALL SORTS OF ANTICS TO AMUSE THE PEOPLE.

AT NIGHT, HE TOLD THEM THEIR FORTUNES

IN A TONGUE OF HIS OWN DEVISING,

AND I TRANSLATED.

AND ALL CONCERNED WERE HAPPY,

BECAUSE I PROMISED THEM

THAT ALL THEIR WISHES WOULD COME TRUE.

THEN AT JAGDALLAK,

WE TURNED OFF TOWARDS KAFIRISTAN.

THEY WERE SAD TO SEE US LEAVE THE CARAVAN.

WE HAD BROUGHT IT GOOD LUCK.

2 SHE-CAMELS HAD BEEN FOALED,

AND THERE WAS NO SNIPING AT US FROM THE HILLS.

THEY WAVED GOOD-BYE

TO THE MAD PRIEST AND HIS SERVANT,

AND DANNY DANCED THEM OUT OF SIGHT.

THE COUNTRY WAS DESERTY.

THE INHABITANTS WERE DISPERSED AND SOLITARY.

WE TRAVELED BY NIGHT AND KEPT AWAY FROM VILLAGES,

AS WE DIDN'T WANT TO WASTE AMMUNITION

IN IDLE FIGHTING WITH AFGHANS.

THE PUSHTUKAN.

A LITTLE WAVY BLUE LINE ON THE MAP,

BUT WE COULDN'T HOPE TO GET THE CAMELS ACROSS.

SO PEACHY SAYS TO DANNY,

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY COST US

"IN THE BAZAAR.

WE'LL TRADE THEM FOR GOATS."

WE'RE PLAYING FOR VERY HIGH STAKES.

MAJOR McCRIMMON BET ME 10 BOB ONCE

HE COULD BLOW UP A WHOLE GOATSKIN

WITH ONE BREATH.

AND HE DID,

THOUGH HE'D SAT DOWN ON AN ANT HILL

IN HIS KILT UNKNOWING-LIKE.

10 SHILLINGS WAS 10 SHILLINGS TO McCRIMMON.

MULES.

NOW... THE PROBLEM IS

HOW TO DIVIDE 5 AFGHANS FROM 3 MULES

AND HAVE 2 ENGLISHMEN LEFT OVER.

SHOOT THEM OUT OF THEIR SADDLES.

NO. THE MULES WOULD BOLT.

SIT OVER THERE, DANNY.

Peachy: SO WE STARTS FORWARD

INTO THOSE BIGGER COLD MOUNTAINOUS PARTS...

AND NEVER A PATH BROADER THAN THE BACK OF YOUR HAND.

THE MOUNTAINS WAS TALL AND WHITE,

LIKE WILD RAMS.

THEY WAS ALWAYS FIGHTING,

SO YOU COULDN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT

FROM THE DIN OF THEIR FIGHTING.

♪ A KING LAY CROWNED TODAY ♪

♪ HIS BLOOD-RED BANNER STREAMS AFAR ♪

♪ WHO FOLLOWS IN HIS TRAIN ♪

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DANNY, PIPE DOWN.

WHY? WHO'S GOING TO HEAR US UP HERE?

THESE MOUNTAINS, THAT'S WHO.

DO YOU WANT TO START AN AVALANCHE?

AW, PEACHY, YOU DON'T BELIEVE

THAT KIND OF FOOLISHNESS, I HOPE.

IF A KING CAN'T SING,

IT AIN'T WORTH BEING KING.

Peachy: THE COUNTRY WAS MOST MOUNTAINOUS,

AND THE MULES WAS MOST CONTRARY.

THEY ALL DIED BUT ONE,

AND SHE DIED LATER ON.

DANNY WENT SNOWBLIND AND CLUNG TO JENNY'S TAIL.

UP AND UP WE WENT...

AND DOWN AND DOWN,

THROUGH DEFILES AND OVER SNOWY SADDLES,

TILL ALL AT ONCE,

2 GIANTS STOOD IN OUR WAY.

GOD'S HOLY TROUSERS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PEACHY?

BLOKES TWICE OUR SIZE,

STANDING GUARD IN THE SNOW.

2 OF THEM.

GIVE THEM A ROUND APIECE.

NOT A MOVE OUT OF THEM.

STAY PUT.

I'LL RECONNOITER.

THEY'RE NOT REAL, THANK GOD.

THEY'RE HORRIBLE.

PUT THERE BY THE KAFIRIS

TO FRIGHTEN THE NEIGHBORS, NO DOUBT.

PEACHY...

THAT MEANS WE'RE IN KAFIRISTAN...

OR ALMOST.

SO IT DOES.

WHAT WAS THAT?

OUR BRIDGES HAVE BEEN BURNED, SO TO SPEAK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE BRIDGE WE CROSSED BY AIN'T THERE NO LONGER.

GOD!

NOW WHAT?

TELL ME!

A CREVASSE.

WE'VE HAD IT, DANNY,

COMING AND GOING.

WIDE?

WIDE ENOUGH.

IT DROPS INTO NOTHING BELOW

STRAIGHT AS A BEGGAR CAN SPIT.

THAT'S THE LAST OF THEM, PEACHY.

NO MORE GODS TO BURN.

IT LOOKS LIKE LAST POST, DANNY.

I DON'T FANCY DYING BY INCHES,

FEELING THE COLD

CREEPING UP MY ARMS AND LEGS,

GETTING ALL NUMB.

I'LL DO THE NECESSARY

WHEN THE FIRE GOES OUT.

FAIR ENOUGH.

AIN'T IT A BLOODY SHAME, THOUGH?

OUR GETTING THIS CLOSE AND NOT MAKING IT?

A STONE'S THROW AWAY... OUR KINGDOM.

I'D HAVE LIKED TO SEEN YOU, DANNY,

WITH A GOLD CROWN ON YOUR HEAD.

IF WE COULD HAVE FOUND ONE THAT FITTED IT.

PEACHY, IN YOUR OPINION...

HAVE OUR LIVES BEEN MISSPENT?

THAT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.

I WOULDN'T SAY THE WORLD'S A BETTER PLACE

FOR OUR HAVING LIVED IN IT.

HARDLY THAT.

NOBODY'S GOING TO WEEP THEIR EYES OUT

AT OUR DEMISE.

AND WHO'D WANT THEM TO, ANYWAY?

AND WE HAVEN'T MANY GOOD DEEDS TO OUR CREDIT.

NONE.

NONE TO BRAG ABOUT.

BUT HOW MANY MEN HAVE BEEN WHERE WE'VE BEEN,

AND SEEN WHAT WE'VE SEEN?

BLOODY FEW, AND THAT'S A FACT.

WHY, EVEN NOW,

I WOULDN'T CHANGE PLACES WITH THE VICEROY HIMSELF

IF IT MEANT GIVING UP MY MEMORIES.

ME, NEITHER.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME

THE HIGHLANDERS WAS RETREATING DOWN THE HILL

AT ALI MASJIT,

AND PIPE MAJOR McCRIMMON GOT HIS MONEYBAG CUT OFF?

HALF A CROWN WAS IN IT, RIGHT?

SO BACK HE GOES AFTER IT

WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING TO SEE

IF THAT WAS ALL HE'D LOST!

THEN HE GOT THE VICTORIA CROSS,

BECAUSE THE BLOODY HIGHLANDERS

TURNED 'ROUND AND FOLLOWED HIM UP THE HILL!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA!

DANNY...

WE CAN GET ON!

KAFIRISTAN.

THE PROMISED LAND.

MUST BE THEIR HALLOWEEN.

UPSY-DAISY, LAD.

BRASS BAND AND ALL.

HAIL THE CONQUERING HEROES.

BLOODY CHEEK!

WHERE'S THEIR GRATITUDE?

Man: I SAY!

I SAY THERE!

ARE YOU ENGLISHMEN, PLEASE?

STONE THE BLEEDING CROWS!

YES, MATE!

AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?

Dravot: PEACHY, IT'S A GURKHA.

RIFLEMAN MACHENDRA BAHADA GARUNG,

KNOWN TO MY REGIMENT AS BILLY FISH.

IS THAT RIGHT?

WELL, REPORT, RIFLEMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHEREVER HERE IS.

OH, I COME WITH COLONEL ROBERTSON, SIR.

THE GEOGRAPHER'S PARTY?

OH, DEAR ME, ALAS, BY JOVE!

PARTY NOT REACHING ER-HEB

FOR VERY MISFORTUNATE REASONS.

LARGE MOUNTAIN IS FALLING ON THE HEADS

OF COLONEL ROBERTSON AND OTHERS.

EVERYBODY BURIED ALIVE

EXCEPT YOUR SERVANT.

WHAT ABOUT THEM UP THERE,

BANGING DRUMS AND BLOWING HORNS,

AND THEN SHOOTING ARROWS AT US?

OH. BIG NOISE INTENDED TO SCARE AWAY DEVILS.

MANY DEVILS HERE THESE DAYS, YOU KNOW?

THEY THOUGHT WE WAS DEVILS?

KAFIRISTAN PEOPLES VERY IGNORANT.

I SAY TO HEAD MAN OOTAH,

I SAY, "OH, NO, BY JOVE. THEY'RE NOT DEVILS.

THEY GARASAHABS... BRITISH SOLDIERS."

GOOD MAN, BILLY FISH.

AND NOW, IF YOU'LL TAKE US TO THIS OOTAH BLOKE,

WE WILL BEGIN HIS EDUCATION.

OOTAH!

OOTAH!

OOTAH!

OOTAH!

Dravot: TELL HIM WE WON'T HURT HIM. NOT TO WORRY.

HE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU COME FROM.

TELL HIM WE TUMBLED FROM THE SKIES.

HE WANTS TO KNOW, "ARE YOU GODS?"

NOT GODS... ENGLISHMEN,

WHICH IS THE NEXT BEST THING.

GARASAHABS.

GARASAHABS!

I OFTTIMES TELL OOTAH ABOUT ENGLISHMANS...

HOW THEY GIVE NAMES TO DOGS

AND TAKE OFF HATS TO WOMANS

AND MARCH INTO BATTLE... LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT...

WITH RIFLES ON THEIR SHOULDERS.

BRINGING ENLIGHTENMENT

TO THE DARKER REGIONS OF THE EARTH.

HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW RIFLE WORKS.

SHOW HIM, PEACHY.

WE'RE NOT GODS, EXACTLY,

BUT WE ARE HEAVEN-SENT

TO DELIVER YOU FROM YOUR ENEMIES.

ENEMIES ALL AROUND.

THE BASHKAI ARE THE WORST.

ALL TOWN COMES OUT

AND PISSES DOWNSTREAM WHEN WE GO BATHING.

Peachy: SHOCKING!

ALWAYS STEALING OUR WOMANS...

PUTTING ON MASKS...

AND SO OUR HEAD CHAP IS THINKING THEM DEVILS

AND RUNNING LIKE THE BLOODY HELL AWAY.

Peachy: WAR.

RED WAR WE'LL GIVE THEM!

HE SAYS HE GIVE YOU 2 GOATS

FOR EACH BASHKAI MAN YOU ARE KILLING.

ONE GOAT FOR EACH WOMANS AND CHILDS.

A HANDSOME OFFER,

BUT RATHER THAN KNOCKING THEM OVER ONE AT A TIME,

WE'D LIKE TO DO THE WHOLE THING IN ONE FELL SWOOP...

SERVE HIM UP A PROPER VICTORY...

STORM BASHKAI, TAKE THE CITY.

HE SAYS, "HOW MUCH FOR ALL THAT?"

ONLY THE HONOR

OF LEADING THE BRAVE MEN OF ER-HEB INTO BATTLE.

PLUS WHATEVER WE MAY FANCY IN THE WAY OF SOUVENIRS.

A BAUBLE HERE AND A BANGLE THERE.

BASHKAI IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

WE HOPE TO GO ON FROM VICTORY TO VICTORY

UNTIL HE RUNS OUT OF ENEMIES.

AND A MONARCH OF ALL YOU SURVEY.

ALL HE SURVEYS?

FROM THE HIGHEST PLACE IN THE VALLEY.

THE MOUNTAINS WILL ECHO YOUR NAME.

Peachy: OOTAH THE GREAT!

OH. HE SAYS HE PREFERS OOTAH THE TERRIBLE.

THEN OOTAH THE TERRIBLE IT SHALL BE.

AND TAKE HIM IN TOKEN OF OUR EARNEST.

NOW THE WOMANS OF ER-HEB WILL CUT HIS BOLLOCKS OFF!

COULDN'T HAPPEN IN A BETTER CAUSE.

Both: CONTRACT.

OOTAH SAY, "YOU NO LIKE?"

TELL HIS HIGHNESS WE'VE GIVEN UP STRONG DRINK

UNTIL WE'VE CONQUERED ALL HIS ENEMIES.

BOIL THEM ONCE OR TWICE IN HOT WATER,

AND THEY'LL COME OUT LIKE CHICKEN AND HAM.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THEM FROM THE GAIETY CHORUS.

OOTAH SAYS, "TAKE YOUR PICK."

HE DOES?

OH, TELL HIS MAJESTY

ONE'S PRETTIER THAN ANOTHER.

I COULDN'T CHOOSE.

TAKE 2, TAKE 3, TAKE MANY AS YOU LIKE.

THERE ARE MORE WHERE THEY CAME FROM.

HE HAS 27 DAUGHTERS.

THEY'RE HIS DAUGHTERS?

HIS OWN DAUGHTERS?

THE DIRTY OLD BRUTE.

DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, DIFFERENT CUSTOMS.

MUSTN'T BE PREJUDICED, PEACHY.

THANK HIS MAJESTY,

BUT TELL HIM WE'VE ALSO TAKEN A VOW

NOT TO DALLY WITH FEMALES

TILL ALL HIS ENEMIES ARE VANQUISHED.

HE HAS 32 SONS, IF YOU LIKING BOYS.

TELL HIM HE MAKES MY GORGE RISE!

HOLD ON, PEACHY.

HE'S ONLY BEING HOSPITABLE

ACCORDING TO HIS LIKES.

POLO!

Dravot: EVERYTHING'S THE SAME AS OURS

EXCEPT THE BALL. IT'S BIGGER.

DO THEY ALWAYS USE THAT BIG A BALL?

IT DEPENDS ON SIZE OF MAN'S HEAD.

BIG HEAD, BIG BALL. THIS YOUR BASHKAI MAN.

OH, BIG DAMN HEAD.

THE BLOODY HEATHENS!

DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, DIFFERENT CUSTOMS.

MUSTN'T BE PREJUDICED, DANNY.

NOW LISTEN TO ME, YOU BENIGHTED MUCKERS!

WE'RE GOING TO TEACH YOU SOLDIERING,

THE WORLD'S NOBLEST PROFESSION.

WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH YOU,

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO STAND UP AND SLAUGHTER YOUR ENEMIES

LIKE CIVILIZED MEN.

BUT FIRST,

YOU'LL HAVE TO LEARN TO MARCH IN STEP,

DO THE MANUAL OF ARMS

WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO THINK.

GOOD SOLDIERS DON'T THINK,

THEY JUST OBEY.

DO YOU SUPPOSE IF A MAN THOUGHT TWICE,

HE'D GIVE HIS LIFE FOR QUEEN AND COUNTRY?

NOT BLOODY LIKELY.

HE WOULDN'T GO NEAR THE BATTLEFIELD!

ONE LOOK AT YOUR FOOLISH FACES

TELLS ME YOU'RE GOING TO BE CRACK TROOPS.

HIM THERE WITH THE 5 1/2 HAT SIZE

HAS THE MAKINGS OF A BLOODY HERO.

THE TIMING IN THE BRITISH ARMY

HAS ALWAYS BEEN

1, 2, 3!

1, 2, 3!

SAY AFTER ME,

1, 2, 3!

1, 2, 3...

WAIT. READY...

STEADY, GO.

Troops: 1, 2, 3!

1, 2, 3!

SAY IT AT THE SAME TIME

AS ALL THE OTHERS!

TELL HIM.

RIGHT. GO!

1, 2, 3!

1, 2, 3!

BILLY, TELL HIM TO SAY IT WITH THE OTHERS.

WITH THE OTHERS!

1, 2, 3.

RIGHT. NOW, READY,

STEADY, GO.

Man: 1, 2, 3!

YOU DON'T SAY IT BEFORE THE OTHERS.

HE SAID IT BEFORE THE OTHERS, BILLY!

NOT BEFORE THE OTHERS, NOT AFTER THE OTHERS,

WITH THE BLOODY OTHERS!

RIGHT. ATTENTION!

NO. YOU, LOOK.

THAT ONE GOES TO THERE.

SAY, "THAT ONE GOES TO THERE."

THERE WE ARE.

OK? RIGHT.

COR BLIMEY!

Dravot: PARADE, DRESS!

COME ON, SMARTEN UP, YOU HORRIBLE LOT!

ATTENTION!

THAT'S BETTER.

TROOPS...

MARCH!

BY THE LEFT...

QUICK...

MARCH!

NOW WAIT A MINUTE, DUCKS.

YOU'RE A HANDSOME PIECE. THAT I DON'T DENY.

BUT THE CONTRACT CLEARLY STATES

THAT THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART,

WHICH IS DANNY,

AND THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART...

WHICH IS ME...

SHALL NOWISE COMPROMISE OURSELVES

WITH PARTIES OF THE THIRD PART,

WHICH IS YOU.

ALL BINDING,

PROPERLY SWORN TO,

WITNESSED AND ATTESTED.

DANNY!

SO!

THANK GOD YOU ARRIVED.

LET'S GO SEEK SAFETY IN BATTLE.

COMPANY, SOUND YOUR TRUMPET!

BILLY FISH...

BLOOD IS WHAT WE WANT...

THE BLOODIER THE BETTER.

SEE THAT IT IS SO.

SO IT SHALL BE!

LIKE OLD TIMES, PEACHY.

REMINDS ME OF ALI MAJIT.

IT'S A GOOD JOB THE ODDS ARE ONLY 10 TO 1.

Man: HALT!

LINE UP IN A STRAIGHT LINE HERE.

PRESENT!

AIM!

WHO ARE THEY?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

VERY HOLY MEN.

THEY MAKE WALKS THROUGH ALL KAFIRISTAN

COLLECTING OFFERINGS FOR HOLY CITY.

BATTLE IS POSTPONED

UNTIL PRIESTS HAVE PASSED.

WHY HAVE THEY GOT THEIR EYES CLOSED?

THEY DO NOT WISH TO SEE ANY BADNESS,

SO KEEP EYES CLOSED

UNTIL THEY RETURN TO BEAUTY OF SIKANDERGUL.

FIRE!

AIM... FIRE!

CHARGE!

NO, DANNY!

OH, THE GREAT BLOODY SHOW-OFF!

RIFLE SECTION, FORM LINE!

FIX BAYONETS!

ADVANCE!

VOLLEY FIRE, COMMENCE FIRE!

WHAT, MAY I ASK,

DID YOU THINK YOU WERE PLAYING AT,

CHARGING THE ENEMY SINGLE-HANDED?

I GOT CARRIED AWAY.

HEAT OF THE MOMENT. THE BLOOD WAS UP.

ACTING LIKE SOME GREEN LIEUTENANT

HOPING TO BE MENTIONED IN DISPATCHES.

A MAN OF YOUR AGE.

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

SORRY.

SUPPOSING YOU GOT KILLED, EH?

SUPPOSING THAT? WHERE WOULD I BE AT?

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

SEE IT DON'T.

WHAT YOU CARRYING THAT ARROW AROUND FOR?

NO PARTICULAR REASON.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT ALL MY LIFE.

HOLD ON, LADDIE BUCK!

WHAT'S HE UP TO?

HE SAY HE GREAT WARRIOR.

HE WIN THIS BIG BATTLE.

AND NOW, ACCORDING TO CUSTOM,

HE LOP OFF THEIR HEADS.

GREAT WARRIOR, EH?

WELL, I NEVER SAW HIM IN THE THICK OF THE FRAY.

THERE'LL BE NO EXECUTION OF PRISONERS IN THIS ARMY.

TELL HIM TO PUT THAT SWORD AWAY.

HE SAYS ONCE SWORD UNSHEATHED,

IT MUST TASTE BLOOD.

JUST AS I THOUGHT.

HE HASN'T HAD IT OUT UNTIL NOW.

HE SAYS WATCH OUT, OR HE GET VERY ANGRY,

AND LOP YOUR HEAD OFF.

ALL RIGHT, UP YOU GET.

OFF YOUR HAUNCHES.

NO MORE GROVELING.

WE AIN'T GOING TO PUT YOUR CITY TO THE TORCH,

NOR HANG YOU IN CHAINS,

NOR RAPE YOUR DAUGHTERS.

BILLY, TELL THEM TO DIVIDE THEIR GOODS IN HALF,

AND WE WILL CHOOSE WHICH HALF WE WANT

IN THE WAY OF SPOILS.

THENCEFORTH,

LET THE MEN OF ER-HEB AND THE MEN OF BASHKAI

BE AS BROTHERS...

BROTHERS IN ARMS.

LET THEM MARCH TOGETHER UNDER ONE BANNER

AND SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE IN THE VICTORIES TO COME.

HAVE THE BASHKAI ANY ENEMIES TO SPEAK OF?

OH, ENEMIES ALL AROUND.

THE BHARDOKS, THE GHUNDAROS,

THE SHUS, THE KHAWAKS.

THE BHARDOKS PEOPLE COMING OUT

AND PISSING DOWNSTREAM ON BASHKAI PEOPLE

WHEN THEY GO BATHING.

SHOCKING!

WE'LL STRIKE THEM DOWN AND GRIND THEM INTO DUST.

SILVER BRACELET,

10 SHILLINGS.

A GOOD HEAVY NECKLACE OF THE SAME,

WORTH A FIVER AT LEAST.

EARRING WITH BANGLES.

ONE PIG STICKER WITH PLAIN HANDLE.

A GOLD COIN WORN PRETTY THIN.

A ROSY RED RING,

2 OTHER ONES, PLAIN.

THE WHOLE LOT SHOULD FETCH 10 OR 15 QUID

IN LONDON.

NOT TOO BAD FOR THE BACK AND BEYOND.

Crowd: SIKANDER! SIKANDER!

THEY'RE CALLING FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

SIKANDER!

SIKANDER!

SIKANDER!

Peachy: SIKANDER...

SIKANDER.

WHAT DOES SIKANDER MEAN, BILLY?

SIKANDER A GOD.

COME HERE LONG AGO FROM THE WEST.

THAT'LL BE THE GREEK BLOKE

BROTHER KIPLING TOLD US ABOUT.

ALEXANDER?

ALEXANDER... SIKANDER.

YEAH...

ALEXANDER.

HE BUILDED GREAT CITY, SIKANDERGUL,

HIGH IN MOUNTAINS.

SIT ON THRONE.

ALL PEOPLES WORSHIP HIM.

THEN, ONE DAY, TIME COMES.

HE SAY HE MUST GO TO EAST.

PEOPLE PULL THEIR HAIRS OUT,

TEAR CLOTHES...

SO SIKANDER PROMISE TO SEND BACK SON.

328 B.C.

THE ENCYCLOPEDIA SAID.

SOLDIERS SAW ARROW GO INTO DANNY'S CHEST,

HIM PLUCK IT OUT, AND NOT BLEEDING.

SO?

SO...

SON OF SIKANDER.

THEY THINK I'M A GOD?

GO ON. PUT YOUR FOOT OUT

THAT I MAY KISS YOUR BIG TOE.

YOU MAY KISS MY ROYAL ASS.

NOT ROYAL. HOLY!

YOU'RE A DEITY, REMEMBER?

PEACHY?

YES, BILLY.

IS DANNY NOT SON OF SIKANDER?

NO, BILLY, HE'S A MAN LIKE YOU AND ME.

HE CAN BREAK WIND

AT BOTH ENDS SIMULTANEOUS,

WHICH I'M WILLING TO BET

IS MORE THAN ANY GOD CAN DO.

BUT THE ARROW?

THE ARROW STUCK IN THE BANDOLIER.

THERE WAS NO MIRACLE, BILLY,

SO YOU'D BETTER TELL THEM THAT OUT THERE.

AND MY DAD'S NAME

WAS HERBERT DRAVOT, ESQUIRE,

AND HE WAS BAR STEWARD

IN A KNOCKING SHOP IN DURHAM.

HANG ON A MINUTE, DANNY.

MAYBE WE'RE MISSING A BET HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SUPPOSING YOU WAS AN IGNORANT KAFIRI.

WHO WOULD YOU RATHER FOLLOW... A GOD OR A MAN?

NOW, WE'RE HERE TO CONQUER THIS COUNTRY, AIN'T WE?

WELL, WITH YOU AS A GOD,

IT WOULD TAKE HALF THE TIME

AND HALF THE TROUBLE.

THE IDEA IS A BIT BLASPHEMOUS.

NO, DANNY.

BLASPHEMING

IS WHEN YOU TAKE HIS NAME IN VAIN.

GOD ALMIGHTY'S.

WHAT IF THEY FOUND OUT WE WAS HAVING THEM ON?

WHY SHOULD THEY?

WE WON'T TELL THEM.

AND YOU WON'T TELL THEM, WILL YOU, BILLY?

OH, NO. INDEED, BY JOVE, NO.

POLO?

POLO.