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Welcome to Spitting Image.
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I'm David Attenborough.
At this time of year,
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00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,239
many programmes present
Halloween episodes,
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00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,199
full of frights and horrors.
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00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:15,279
But, in the past few years,
we've seen such genuine horror
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00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:19,279
that we've decided to do
an episode called "Mellow-een".
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No tricks, all treats.
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Just relaxing vistas
of our animal friends,
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like these gentle mole rats.
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00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,999
LION ROARS,
MOLE RATS LAUGH
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DAVID CRIES IN PAIN
To hell with your "Mellow-een"!
12
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,679
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
13
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,279
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
14
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:41,399
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
15
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,719
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
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00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:47,560
Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah!
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00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,439
SIRENS WAIL
18
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,519
DOOR BELL RINGS
Trick or treat!
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00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:59,359
All right, kids?
I've got a right treat for you.
20
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,319
Track off me new album!
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00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,999
SOMBRE PIANO TUNE
I'm 30 now
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00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,039
Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh...
23
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,239
VOCALISING INTENSIFIES
24
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,879
Fuck off, Adele!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
25
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,639
Stop it! I'm 30 now!
26
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,959
BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'
27
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,439
MR SPEAKER: And now
the Chancellor Rishi Sunak
28
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,079
will deliver his Autumn Budget.
29
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,399
Ha! Massive debt, prices soaring.
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00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,439
I'd like to see
how he gets out of this one.
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00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,839
Thank you, Mr Speaker.
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00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:33,679
TO TUNE OF 'I'M TOO SEXY':
I'm too dishy for this case
33
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,199
Just check my dishy face
34
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:39,079
They call me Dishy Rishi
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00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,679
I'm so dishy
I can say what I like
36
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:46,639
Unfreeze your wages
But at a tax hike
37
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,679
Here's lots of money
For the North East
38
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,439
Check out my tushie
I'm a sexy beast
39
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I'm too dishy for this job
40
00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:58,679
Much better than this slob
41
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:02,119
Don't you want me as your leader?
42
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,759
My face is so ethereal
43
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Prime-ministerial
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So vote for Dishy Rishi!
45
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WHOOPING,
SHOUTS OF APPROVAL
46
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I commend this budget to this house
and thank you for the knickers.
47
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Those were mine!
48
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Dammit. He is dishy.
49
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,759
I need something
to make me look good.
50
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,879
MR SPEAKER: And now the response
from Keir Starmer.
51
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:25,919
Bingo.
52
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,560
Don't worry, Jess.
I can do sexy too.
53
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,079
That's right. I've loosened my tie.
54
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,319
Ah! What have I done?
I'm practically naked!
55
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,559
Is anyone throwing anything?
Yeah. Huh!
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00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:41,959
Oh! I think that's cured my COVID.
THUNK
57
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,879
Jurgen Klopp, a 5-0 win for your
Liverpool side here at Old Trafford.
58
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,279
You must be delighted.
Yes. Fantastic.
59
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,799
Amazing! Ha-ha!
60
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,239
Still, tough
for the Manchester United fans.
61
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,039
But I am thinking
it is also positive for them.
62
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,279
No-one has a sore throat
from cheering, and many left early,
63
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,719
meaning more quality time
with their families.
64
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,879
Fantastic! Amazing!
65
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,559
MAN: Fuck off, Klopp!
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CROWD ROARS,
CLATTERING
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00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,639
And now the fans are getting
exercise throwing things! Wow!
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00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,559
Oh!
69
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,439
Oh, my God.
That was a bottle of piss!
70
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,399
And it's so clear. Ha!
71
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,279
Congratulations
on being so hydrated!
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00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,719
Fantastic!
HE GROANS
73
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,200
MENACING ORGAN MUSIC,
THUNDER CRACKS
74
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,479
EVIL LAUGHTER
75
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,959
Welcome, everyone, to Halloween!
76
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:42,519
The spooky night where horrible,
dead-eyed monsters walk amongst us.
77
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,519
Hi, everyone! I'm here. Amazing!
78
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,559
Oh, that's original (!)
He came in his Cats costume!
79
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,799
I can't get it off.
Can someone help me?
80
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,119
SHE SCREAMS
What's so terrifying?
81
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,999
No coverage! My Insta-live is...
82
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,479
SHE GASPS
..buffering!
83
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,159
HE MOCK-GASPS
That's right!
84
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,559
No Wi-Fi. No phones!
You're here to enjoy ME.
85
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,479
Now, who wants to hear a song...
86
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:06,599
ALL CLAMOUR EXCITEDLY
87
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,119
..from my new album?
88
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,799
THEY GROAN
Don't you groan at me!
89
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,039
THUNDER RUMBLES
90
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,119
KNIFE WHOOSHES,
SOMEONE YELPS
91
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,199
Someone has killed James Corden!
92
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,199
Is he definitely dead?
Let's make sure.
93
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,359
ADELE GRUNTS,
JAMES YELPS
94
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,519
Ugh!
Meow!
95
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,039
Now he's definitely dead.
96
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,199
Dear God. He's been murdered!
97
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,719
We should call the police.
Or a vet?
98
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,639
We can't. No phone!
99
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:30,959
RATTLING,
SHE SCREAMS
100
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,959
I've just tried the door -
we've been locked in!
101
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,199
I-It won't open,
no matter how hard I dance.
102
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:39,599
Ooh! Ooh, yeah! I'm dancin'!
Ooh, yeah! Huh, huh!
103
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,679
So we're trapped in this fuckin'
party with a serial killer?!
104
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,239
What makes you say "serial killer"?
105
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,759
Cos some knob
has parked his hatchet in my back.
106
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,679
STRAINED: Oh! I'll say...
hello... from the other... side!
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LOW: Whoa, whoa.
SHE GRUNTS
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EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT:
Looks like we, uh...
109
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have us a mystery.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Yes.
110
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NORMAL VOICE:
What the hell is that accent?!
111
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THUNDER CRACKS
112
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,679
Welcome to
the CNN Presidential Town Hall.
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00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,719
Faced with
plummeting approval ratings,
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tonight, President Biden takes
questions from you, the people.
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00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,159
Look, folks, here's the deal.
116
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,399
We're gonna build back better.
It's no joke.
117
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,599
President Biden,
COVID is still a terrible problem.
118
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:19,879
What are you doing about it?
119
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,279
Here's the deal.
We're gonna build back better.
120
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,079
Look, folks, it's no joke.
121
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:27,759
I-I lost my job in the pandemic,
my house burned down in a wildfire,
122
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,399
and I'm concerned about inflation!
123
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,239
Look, it's no joke.
Here's the deal, folks.
124
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We're gonna build back better.
125
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Now there's a lion.
126
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LION ROARS
As Americans, what do we do?
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00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,159
We're gonna build back better.
Look, here's the deal.
128
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:43,399
It's no joke, folks.
129
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,079
LION SNARLS,
BIDEN GROANS
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00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,479
Tough questioning from the lion,
131
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but that's what's great about
America's face-to-face democracy.
132
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:57,999
Finally, a chance to address
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the most pressing question
facing the planet...
134
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,399
can I score some Hamilton tickets
from Joe Biden?
135
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,119
Ha! Typical Tory.
136
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,959
This conference is about
something far bigger...
137
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,199
showcasing my leadership
of Scotland!
138
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,239
Don't you try to steal
the limelight!
139
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:13,840
Glasgow kiss!
SHE GRUNTS
140
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,519
Hey, Macron!
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00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,639
If you let independent Scotland
into the European Union,
142
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,519
you can enjoy
our tasty Caledonian cuisine.
143
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,479
Like this!
'Aggis?
144
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,799
I am not interested in a bag of guts
stuffed with offal and oats.
145
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,199
Wha'?! Bloody frog.
Shove a scallop in it!
146
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:35,199
Well said, Haggis.
Standing up for Scotland.
147
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,439
Get tae Falkirk, Alex Salmond!
I'm the voice of Scotland.
148
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Mm!
Oh! Ma nut!
149
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,359
Shame on you all.
Apologies, Your Highness.
150
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,359
This is a climate change conference.
151
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,199
We're here to teach
the world one thing...
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00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,399
what a jolly good king I'll be!
153
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,079
Caring, informed and, yes, hands-on.
154
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,799
Christ, man! What's up
with those giant tatty shovels?!
155
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,839
It's an affliction I have.
They swell up whenever I travel
156
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,879
to climate conferences
by private plane.
157
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,759
You came here by plane?
158
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,879
For shame! All of you,
with your own selfish agendas.
159
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,519
You've forgotten the one reason
we are here. Hit it!
160
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,999
Never going to let you go
161
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Never going to tell you no
162
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:21,319
Never going to be a clown
And hurt you!
163
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,919
She Rick-rolled us!
164
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:27,480
What a great, self-empowered
young woman. Heh, ho, heh...
165
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,759
Mr Javid, with COVID cases rising,
166
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,479
there's been talk
of Plan A and Plan B.
167
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:37,479
As Health Secretary, do you
even know what these plans are?
168
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,399
I assure you,
the data is being closely monitored
169
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,119
and analysed
by a hand-picked government team
170
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,719
in whom I have
the highest confidence.
171
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,399
MONKEYS CHATTERING
172
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,200
THEY SCREAM
173
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,040
BUTTONS BUZZ
174
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,439
But is there any kind
of independent oversight?
175
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,959
Oh, yes. We found someone
from the private sector.
176
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,560
SCREAMING
177
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,279
THUNDER CRACKS
178
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,119
Oh, this is a nightmare!
179
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,719
In the last 15 minutes,
180
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,039
the killer has decapitated
Macaulay Culkin,
181
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,879
disembowelled Russell Brand
182
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,079
and run Gordon Ramsay
through a blender!
183
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,199
Oh! I thought
it was a strawberry daiquiri.
184
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,759
Bleurgh!
WAILING: Oh, God!
185
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,719
Stop barfing, David!
DAVID WHELPS
186
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,079
Oh!
187
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,239
THUNDER RUMBLES,
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
188
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,359
Oh, no. Someone's killed Beyonce!
189
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,759
STRAINED: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh
Oh, no, no...
190
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:43,079
THUD
To solve this, we must thee-ink!
191
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,519
LION ROARS
Now, a murder is like a doughnut.
192
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,559
ELLEN GROANS
The sugar is like a knife,
193
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,919
and the sprinkles are the evidence.
194
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,079
But what is the jelly?
195
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:56,959
Answer that, and the truth,
like the knives, will out.
196
00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,319
While you were blathering on,
we lost Ellen AND Taylor!
197
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,879
And Ed Sheeran has had a fiddle
shoved up his Galway girl.
198
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,559
DOOR CREAKS
199
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,679
Oh, fuck a duck!
200
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,479
Oh, it's a nightmare, Vanessa!
201
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,159
Thanks to COVID, teenagers have got
202
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,319
an eight-month wait
for their driving tests.
203
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,919
If only we had
more trained examiners...
204
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,439
UGH! I'll give your kids
their goddamn driving tests.
205
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:24,479
Tom Cruise?!
But you're a huge movie star!
206
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,319
Why would you want to do this?
207
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,319
Because I had
an autistic brother, Raymond,
208
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,159
who thought
he was an excellent driver.
209
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,559
We went on a road trip,
but I took advantage of him.
210
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,879
Now I need to show Raymond
I'm sorry.
211
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,919
Wait, isn't that
the plot of Rain Man?
212
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,959
I'm a Scientologist.
213
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,840
I have an E-meter
to prove what's real!
214
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,999
Check your mirror. Stay right.
215
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,279
Right. Right!
216
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,199
No, I mean left! Left!
217
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,639
Watch that truck. Hit the brakes!
HORN BLARES
218
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,879
Whaaaa!
219
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,679
ECHOING: I'm sorry, Raymond!
220
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,599
DUCKS QUACKING
221
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:04,719
Did I pass?
222
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:08,440
HAUNTING ORGAN MUSIC
223
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,119
I haven't been this scared
since Tim Rice
224
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,159
showed me the lyrics
to The Lion King!
225
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,359
It's down to us,
the last three celebrities.
226
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,159
Well, two celebrities. Mwa-ha!
227
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,159
I'm well known as a film producer
in my own right!
228
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,519
Uh-huuuuh?
229
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,119
Two frogs and a toad,
alone in a bayou.
230
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,999
That means somethin'
where I come from.
231
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,959
Where? Where do you come from?!
232
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,199
Well, don't you see?
The murderer is...
233
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,639
DAVID SNARLS
..David!
234
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,759
Let him finish.
Kindness of strangers...
235
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,639
Okra... Gumbo...
Them Dukes... Argh!
236
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,559
THUNK
You killed him!
237
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,759
I'm sorry, Elton.
I killed all your friends.
238
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,079
But why?
239
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,119
I'm so tired of sharing you
with celebrities!
240
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,159
I just want you all to myself.
Is that such a crime?
241
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,999
DRAMATIC MUSIC
242
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,080
No, not really. Meet me upstairs.
243
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,959
Mu-ha-ha-ha!
244
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,159
DOOR CREAKS
245
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,279
This year, our nation has faced
shortages in many vital commodities,
246
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,519
even though
we have one of the largest
247
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,159
and most advanced economies
in the world.
248
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:24,319
There are many causes,
but one thing is certain.
249
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:28,159
ALL: It's not because of Brexit
It's not because of Brexit
250
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,839
This is not our fault!
251
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,199
There were queues
At petrol stations
252
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,919
And nothing on the shelves
253
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,199
Fruit just left to rot
254
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,559
And the trucks
Won't drive themselves
255
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,879
We'll call in the army
Or, if not, a band of elves
256
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,039
But you can't blame Brexit
And our polls reflect it
257
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,040
Not our fault! Not our fault!
258
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,959
Can't sell clams?
259
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,159
Not Brexit!
260
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,359
Or butcher hams?
261
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,599
Not Brexit!
262
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,319
No microchips?
Not Brexit!
263
00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,159
No planks or bricks?
Not Brexit!
264
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,400
Although I did find a plank.
265
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,559
GROGGILY: Building back better...
266
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,599
We can pass our own laws
Cos we've taken back control
267
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:13,279
Make a trade deal with America
If they'd return our calls
268
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,679
Just don't say we did this
To get rid of the Poles
269
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:20,319
It's not because of Brexit
Perhaps because of Megxit!
270
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,839
Please show me the exit!
271
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,719
Not our fault! Not our fault!
272
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:31,319
Not our faul-l-l-lt.
273
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,239
Well, that's the manifesto written.
274
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,079
How about lunch?
275
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,599
PIG GRUNTS AND SQUEALS
On it.
276
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,119
DOOR BELL RINGS
277
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,639
Trick or treat!
278
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,759
Oh. It's Joe Wicks!
My mum loves you.
279
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,199
All right, kids?
I've got some sweets for you.
280
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,279
Awesome!
Some sweet burpees!
281
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,679
And jumping jacks. Reverse lunges!
282
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,679
Positive, positive, positive.
Energy, energy, energy!
283
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,679
BANG
Agh!
284
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,730
BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'
285
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:05,679
Dominic, I'm thinking of making
a move, and I want you on my side.
286
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,519
Boris has never been
more vulnerable.
287
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,759
Prices are up,
and so is his weight.
288
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,719
You know I love a back-stab
as much as any Tory,
289
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,279
but Boris is protected
by powerful forces -
290
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,519
dark forces that no-one understands.
291
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:23,120
That is why I am about to summon
a diabolical creature from the past.
292
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,399
Barnard Castle... Barnard Castle...
293
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,039
Barnard Castle!
294
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,640
Mummy!
295
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:40,599
What mighty and powerful creature
has summoned me?
296
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,919
Oh, it's you, Gove.
297
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,079
So, you've decided to let SOMETHING
out of the closet.
298
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,359
Ahem, yes, well, anyway,
it's time to rekindle our alliance
299
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,559
and finish the job we started.
300
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,759
Excellent.
The country is ripe for conquest.
301
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,559
The power of your royal family
is broken.
302
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,839
The ginger one is in exile,
the Ancient Watcher has perished.
303
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,959
And your woke god, Gareth Southgate,
304
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,319
has been reduced
to a confusing sex symbol.
305
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,399
Did someone say "confusing sex"?
306
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,879
GASPS
307
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,199
Cummings! Traitorious Maximus!
308
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,679
You sly, smirking,
snitching snot-woggle!
309
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,359
So you HAVE missed me.
310
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,999
Well, yes, a little. Since you've
been gone, I've had to do... work.
311
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,399
It didn't have to be this way.
312
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,039
One more mind-meld
for old time's sake?
313
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,359
Dammit, Dom, why can't I quit you?
314
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,999
SPOOKY MUSIC
315
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,639
Yes, Cummings, clever Cummings,
melt his brains, Cummings!
316
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,839
Step away from my husband!
317
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,839
Urgh! Princess Nut-Nut!
318
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,439
How dare you insult
my current wife?!
319
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,479
It's not an insult! "Nut-Nut"
is Epsilonian for "Super Girl-Boss".
320
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,159
He's right, Boris.
321
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,159
I am your protector,
guardian and shield.
322
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,039
I'm right behind you, Dom!
THUNDER RUMBLES
323
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,519
Threaten my wallpaper no longer,
alien intruder!
324
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,599
Your sexual powers
will not work on me!
325
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,239
Zow! Zow! Zow!
326
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:03,199
Can't... stop you. I must
know the secret of your strength.
327
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,279
My secret?
328
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,199
I have not one, but two vaginas.
329
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,800
Behold!
330
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,759
Argh! Powerful vaginas!
331
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,319
This is the future
the liberals want!
332
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,759
I banish you to the blogosphere,
333
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,479
where no-one will read you,
except for other bloggers.
334
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,999
No-o-o-o-o-o!
335
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,559
Fine. But I warn you,
I'm putting up a paywall.
336
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,519
Now, shall we look
at some tile samples?
337
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,679
Ah, well, I was going to doddle off
and talk to the Chancellor about...
338
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:36,879
Yah!
339
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,439
Ah! I'd love to.
340
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,999
I want to publicly apologise
for some flirtatious emails
341
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,399
I sent in 2008.
342
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,279
I now realise that saying
343
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,719
"I'd like to install my fire-stick
into your VGA port"
344
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,239
COULD be misinterpreted.
345
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:56,279
Also, the words "I'm ready to
core-dump onto your user interface"
346
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,799
sound more ambiguous
than I intended.
347
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,679
I am sorry. In the future,
348
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,639
I will choose my words carefully
to avoid any possible confusion.
349
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,959
With that in mind, ladies,
I am fully erect
350
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:12,040
and have been since
the beginning of this apology.
351
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,799
This is the life.
352
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,039
Bow hunting on my Hawaiian compound
353
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,319
with two guys
I paid to be my friends.
354
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,759
You said it, Z-man.
You're the alpha dog.
355
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,399
I am, aren't I?
356
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,879
A man's man,
and everyone should know it.
357
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,879
Can someone put
some more insect spray on me?
358
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,839
CAN HISSES
359
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,119
Shall we corner you
another out-of-shape pig to shoot?
360
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,479
It's good, but would that impress
Hemingway or Liam Neeson?
361
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,839
We could ship in something harder
to catch, maybe?
362
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,439
You mean like...
an elite human athlete?
363
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,319
That's not exactly
where I was going...
364
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,400
No, no, it's a great idea.
Hmm, let's see...
365
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,639
Gentlemen.
Your quite mysterious owner
366
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,719
bought me with
the highest transfer fee ever paid,
367
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,879
but how can I lead you to victory
if I am in a bamboo cage?
368
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,159
All will be explained in good time.
369
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,239
Now back away from the door.
370
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,799
Ow! Ow! Ow!
371
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,879
'What makes a man?
372
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,279
'The gravel in his voice?
373
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,439
'The stubble on his chin?
374
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:13,999
'No.
375
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,599
'What makes a man
is the way he smells.'
376
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,959
SNIFFS
377
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,919
MOANS DREAMILY
378
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,839
THUD
'Pitt smells.
379
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,919
'The smell of Pitt. From Chanel.'
380
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,279
PANTS
381
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,799
Hunted for days
without food or water...
382
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,479
and I still look fantastic!
383
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:39,839
Now, if only there were some
tiny clean pants I could pose in.
384
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,000
ZUCKERBERG: Cristiano!
385
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:48,559
Stop running away so fast.
This isn't how hunting works.
386
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,239
Should I release
the hunting monkeys?
387
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,679
No. I just need a way
to distract him for a moment.
388
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,719
Hmm... Got it!
389
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,759
The face... so perfect!
390
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,639
The chin... so strong!
391
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,920
The cheekbones... so high!
392
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:05,759
Your plan worked, Z-meister.
393
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,279
Now take the shot.
I know I should.
394
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,159
But, somehow, when you get the
world's most renowned soccer player
395
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,479
in your cross hairs,
you start to think...
396
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,359
how graceful, how swift,
how beautiful.
397
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:19,760
Have I come to respect my prey
too much to kill it?
398
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,559
On the other hand,
his head does look good on my wall.
399
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,850
On the plus side,
now I will be young forever!
400
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,279
DOOR BELL RINGS
Good evening, Mr President.
401
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,959
I know what you are!
402
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,879
Heroes in a half-shell!
403
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,479
One of those Ninja Turtles.
I'm Mitch. McConnell!
404
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,079
Not now, man. I'm handing out candy.
A free government hand-out?
405
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,879
Socialism in the White House?!
406
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,799
Hop On Pop by Dr Seuss.
407
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,199
What are you doing, man?
I'm filibustering this doorway.
408
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,879
By reading a book
that got cancelled.
409
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:59,119
"Pop, pop, pop, hop. Hop, hop on..."
410
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,959
Hey! They called a recess,
and the cameras are off! Really?
411
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:07,159
Then I'm off to my terrarium
for some lettuce and bugs.
412
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,959
I knew he was a turtle.
413
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:14,040
CROAKS
414
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:24,600
Ah. Acting is all about
showing emotion.
415
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,520
The shared power of symbiosis
is unstoppable.
416
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,879
I am Tom Hardy!
417
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,160
I will break you!
418
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,880
Now, that's a core principle.
419
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,039
GASPS
By Jove!
420
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,799
Who are you creepy chappies?
421
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:59,239
ALL: Hello, Papa.
We are your unacknowledged children.
422
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,719
Argh! The ghosts of my sex life!
Bonkergeists!
423
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,839
What do you want? I'll do anything!
424
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,159
You must learn
to be a proper father to us.
425
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,039
Well, not anything.
426
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,599
You leave us no choice.
427
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,679
We shall use our powers
to control your mind.
428
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,840
SPOOKY MUSIC
429
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,639
I must block them out.
I will think of a plate of sausages.
430
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,199
I MUST think of a plate of sausages.
431
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,159
Or boobs! Sausages.
432
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,679
Boobs.
433
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,959
Sausages!
434
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,239
Boobs!
435
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,279
Oh, it's no good. I'm defenceless.
436
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,039
I AM your father.
437
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,279
So... that's our dad's brain.
438
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,439
It's barely a brain at all.
We could put ourselves in care?
439
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,839
Sausages! Boobs!
440
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:49,399
Sausages, boobs, bums!
441
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:53,319
BOTH: Sausages, boobs, bums!
Sausages, boobs, bums!
442
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,159
Being a parent's rather fun.
443
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,960
BOTH: Sausages, boobs, bums!
444
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:04,159
COUGHING AND SNEEZING
445
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,919
Son! You've got COVID!
You should be in bed.
446
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,799
I've gotta get this new song out.
447
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:13,159
I need to pay for underfloor heating
in the new orangery.
448
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,879
Not the orangery again!
449
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,359
You've already
got 15 conservatories.
450
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,799
Orangeries are different!
SNEEZES
451
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,879
How are you gonna do a song
when you're coughing and sneezing?
452
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:23,959
Easy.
453
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,199
COUGHS AND SNEEZES
454
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,719
Now, bit of auto-tune,
slap on some Irish fiddle...
455
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:34,359
SAMPLED COUGHS AND SNEEZES
456
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:37,600
FIDDLE KICKS IN
457
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:45,680
Ah! The floor of this orangery
is so warm!
458
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,079
The Emperor demands to know,
459
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:53,839
why are we not meeting our quotas
of spice deliveries from Dune?
460
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:56,319
I don't know, Duke Paul.
The spice harvest is low,
461
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,999
and there may be treachery
in the Guild of Spacers.
462
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,879
Well, one thing is certain.
463
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,599
It's not because of Brexit!
464
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,919
Oh, sod off!
BORIS GRUNTS
465
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,719
Oh-oh-oh-oh
466
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,919
Oh-oh-oh-oh
467
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,999
Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh
468
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,079
Oh-oh-oh-oh
469
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:20,039
Ah-ah-ah-ah
470
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,999
Ah-ah-ah-ah
471
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,399
Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah
472
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,800
Oh-ah!
473
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,960
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