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BIG BEN CHIMES
2
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:03,959
Congratulations, Matt,
3
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:07,959
we're naming you
United Nations Ambassador.
4
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,999
Really? Me?
5
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,479
Oh, this is the comeback
I've been waiting for.
6
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:13,999
Back in the public eye.
7
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:17,400
I'm going to tell everybody,
just everybody!
8
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:20,519
Wait, you're not tricking me?
9
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,279
No, no.
We wouldn't do that.
10
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,640
Yay! He-he-he-he!
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00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,399
THEY BOTH CHUCKLE
12
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,080
God, we're good.
13
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,079
Oh-oh-oh-oh
14
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,679
Ah-ah-ah-ah
15
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,799
Oh-oh-oh-oh
16
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,119
Ah-ah-ah-ah
17
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,960
Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah!
18
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,119
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
19
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:50,960
BIG BEN CHIMES
20
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,599
I'm the Foreign Secretary, Chevening
is my grace-and-favour mansion.
21
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,319
But I was there first,
22
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,959
and as Deputy Prime Minister,
I vote my right to call dibs.
23
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,679
Double dibs!
Double dibs, no returns!
24
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,519
Oh, sort it out for yourselves.
25
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,799
I didn't come into government
to solve problems.
26
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,399
Vroom!
27
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,560
Dom, let's be grown-up about this.
Yes, absolutely.
28
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,399
Perfect. Right, it's beer o'clock
in Raab Town.
29
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,239
Yeah, well, the fridge
is in Trussville. Dammit!
30
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,199
Why am I so terrible at geography?
31
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Can you at least pass me a beer?
Yes.
32
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But before it crosses the border,
33
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,879
you'll have to fill out
the customs declarations.
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00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,840
Do you have a pen?
Yes.
35
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,759
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
HE GROANS
36
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,399
Uh, hello?
BOTH: Hi, Emmanuel!
37
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,359
Wait, you invited Macron, too?
38
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,399
Yes, we're going to drink white wine
39
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,359
and watch Married At First Sight
Australia.
40
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,719
But we're going to watch Cobra Kai
in the bro cave
41
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,199
and work on our topless grappling.
42
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,119
Come here. Grapple! Grapple!
43
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,039
No! He's my Frenchman.
44
00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,759
GRUNTING
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Do not finger me
like some kind of snail quiche.
46
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,599
I came here for a serious
conversation about fishing rights.
47
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,119
Really? In that case, Liz,
he's all yours.
48
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,759
Er, no, no, you had him first.
49
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,039
No!
50
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,639
ALL ARGUING
51
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,799
Don't touch me.
While this bollocks goes on,
52
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,559
I'm being illegally fished
by a load of Spaniards.
53
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,919
Anyway, see you all next week
on Chevening Chums.
54
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,040
CHUCKLES
55
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,359
On a day of high drama, Harry,
56
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,319
you finally scored
in the Premier League.
57
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,119
Yeah, no, it was a great goal,
58
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,959
but a fan collapsed in the stadium,
and that's my main concern.
59
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,559
I guess some days,
football takes a back seat?
60
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,679
Absolutely. I did well, though.
61
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:44,799
The keeper was coming out,
side of the foot, silky!
62
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,159
But the main thing is the fan.
63
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,919
And the great news is
he's gonna be just fine.
64
00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,799
He is? Come on! What a goal!
65
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,990
First in the Prem! Here you go,
lads, here's the boot that did it.
66
00:02:54,991 --> 00:02:56,879
THUD
67
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,839
MAN: You took out my eye, you prick!
68
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,519
Oh, bloody hell.
69
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,280
But did you see my goal?
70
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,519
Faithful Catholics,
it's me, Francis the Pope.
71
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,839
You've donated 15 euros,
72
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:16,679
so you've now got access
to my private Only Fan-atics site.
73
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,919
CHORAL MUSIC
74
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:24,839
But in here, you Fan-atics get
access to my private practices.
75
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:25,879
HE CHUCKLES
76
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,959
God loves women...
when they make babies.
77
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,879
But they're never
going to be priests.
78
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,439
You know why?
They got us kicked out of Eden!
79
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,359
Boom! That's what I really think.
Ha-ha.
80
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:41,399
And sure, I said gay and lesbians
could get civil marriages,
81
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,839
but they don't make babies,
so hell for them, too,
82
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,959
along with the people
that make condoms.
83
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,519
The devil's gift-wrap.
84
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,839
Hm.
85
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,199
OK, that's all for today.
86
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,679
Remember, if you have been naughty,
87
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:59,159
try my exclusive Confession Session.
88
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:04,759
For just ten euros more,
I'll forgive you all night long!
89
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,200
And help you pay your penance.
90
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,519
Bad Cardinal Marcello.
WHIPS
91
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,719
Bad!
WHIPS
92
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,759
Ooh, yeah!
CARDINAL GROANS
93
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,999
It's really exciting
to be presenting
94
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,159
the first-ever Earthshot Prize.
95
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:22,279
Everything about tonight is green.
Even our clothes are recycled.
96
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,999
Just the typical things
people have around the house.
97
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,279
Or garden.
98
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:29,999
These are feathers from a swan
that was savaged by a corgi.
99
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,039
Tonight is all about spending money
to protect the environment,
100
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,479
not wasting it on space rockets
like Jeff Bezos and William Shatner.
101
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,199
But what of mankind's primal urge
to reach out and explore,
102
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,559
to push back the frontiers
of knowledge?
103
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,199
That is our essence.
104
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,159
Yes, but how do we make people
wash out their bean tins
105
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,439
before they recycle them?
106
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,199
The technology we develop
on our quest to the stars
107
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,599
will answer all your
bean tin-related questions.
108
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,639
How can you not see this?
You, a prince?
109
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,839
Why don't you pick on someone
your own age, Shatner?
110
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:02,959
It's really OK...
111
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,359
Oh, no, it isn't.
112
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,799
Come on, Shatner,
you blathering space fuck!
113
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:08,919
A battle of champions?
114
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,199
If it'll stop more bloodshed,
then so be it.
115
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,160
TENSE MUSIC,
GRUNTING
116
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,159
You're strong
for an environmentalist.
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00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,320
Strong enough to kick your arse,
Captain Berk.
118
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,800
GRUNTING AND STRAINING
119
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,559
Why do we fight like this?
120
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,919
In the end,
aren't we all just celebrities
121
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,359
trying to get our face on the news?
122
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,839
DAVID PANTING
123
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:42,439
You're right. We've let pride get
in the way of our personal brands.
124
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,279
To friendship.
125
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,359
And, yes, love.
126
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,239
William Shatner?
Yes, Princess Kate?
127
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,159
I'm a member
of the British royal family.
128
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,919
What is love?
129
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,999
Let me show you.
Ooh!
130
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,439
KISSING
131
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,039
Um, we need to go inside.
132
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,439
Greta Thunberg is singing
Sweet Caroline. Kate?
133
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,079
Um, Kate?
134
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,919
Hey, there, it's Tom Cruise.
135
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,879
I'm here... on Cameo...
136
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,919
to say happy... anniversary...
137
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,959
Jessica and John.
138
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,239
Tom, would you like us
to adjust the camera down?
139
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,519
Why would you do that?
It's fine where it is.
140
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,439
John, Jessica...
have a great... anniversary.
141
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,759
OK, that'll be $14 million.
142
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,799
Well, goodbye forever, Elon.
143
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,799
I'll never forget you.
144
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,239
And I'll never forget you, Grimes,
145
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,080
thanks to these bat wings
you gave me for my birthday.
146
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,319
Then I'll sing my farewell song.
147
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,999
Grimes! Grimes goes bye!
148
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,479
No. No more.
149
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,159
You've already eased the torment
of you leaving.
150
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,040
Oh, you got something from Amazon.
151
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,399
A letter from Bezos itself?
152
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:53,759
"Dear Elon, as you know,
I've retired as head of Amazon.
153
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,159
"I thought I'd done it all,
154
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,159
"but there was still something
missing..."
155
00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,479
BOTH: "So I've returned to the
inspiration for my fortune..."
156
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,039
The Amazon river.
157
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:07,159
And here, deep in the jungle, I've
learned the secret to happiness.
158
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,719
I have wisdom and you don't!
159
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,959
"Bez out."
160
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,559
Musk, did you get this letter
from Bezos?
161
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,519
The Amazon river?
162
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,279
He's clearly gone
Willy in the Wonka.
163
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,439
But what if he hasn't? That would
mean he has something I don't.
164
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,719
I have to search the Amazon
and find him.
165
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:26,719
I'll come, too.
This is a two-billionaire mission.
166
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,639
We'll take the new Tesla
self-driving boat up the river,
167
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:34,400
a thousand-mile voyage,
deep into the heart of dorkness.
168
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,799
Rachel, can we please
go to a gay bar?
169
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,759
Oh, just relax, Daniel.
In a hetero pub like this,
170
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,719
there's always
some testosterone-fuelled tosser
171
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,759
who wants to pick a fight
with James Bond.
172
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,159
Nice pub, isn't it?
Oh, here we go.
173
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,119
You want a piece of James Bond,
do you?
174
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,239
All right, try this.
175
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,519
D'you know if they're
showing the football?
176
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,039
What, cos I'm a secret agent
and I know everything? Eh?
177
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,599
Come on, then.
GLASS SMASHES
178
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,839
Argh!
Sitting all quiet, are you?
179
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,319
Huh?
DANIEL GRUNTS
180
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,079
Ow!
That's right, I'm James Bond.
181
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,199
Now, why won't you all
leave me alone?
182
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,759
GLASS SMASHING,
SCREAMING
183
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,399
I don't need therapy!
184
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,160
GRUNTING,
SCREAMING
185
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,759
'Once, there was a little boy
made of wood,
186
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,359
'who was also the leader
of the Labour Party.'
187
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:30,479
Oh, Jezza, I want to be a real boy
and run the country!
188
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,959
Then, Spinnochio,
you must give the people
189
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,920
the one thing they really want -
a fairer deal for the Palestinians.
190
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,399
Don't listen to Jezza, he almost
destroyed the Labour Party.
191
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,159
Students liked me.
Who are you, anyway?
192
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,079
Jiminy Blair -
conscience of the Labour Party.
193
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,519
What? After you took the country
into the war on Iraq?
194
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:53,879
I'm not listening!
195
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,359
Spinnochio, to become a real boy,
196
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,359
you must win the forthcoming
by-election.
197
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,519
Now, get campaigning.
198
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,159
Everyone knows our frontbench team,
they're really cutting through.
199
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,679
And our policies are radically
different to those of the Tories
200
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,679
with their calls for levelling up.
201
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,719
And on a personal level,
202
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,200
I have just as much charisma
as Boris Johnson.
203
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,599
If not more!
204
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,679
I think you're a boring
block of wood.
205
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,359
Jezza, we lost the by-election,
but only by 5,000 votes.
206
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,040
Now can I be a real boy?
I've got a better idea.
207
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,679
Argh!
208
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:35,039
Argh! Burning wood
is environmentally unfriendly!
209
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,880
But it warms my old bones.
210
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,239
Dammit, Branson,
we're halfway up the Amazon
211
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,479
and still no sign of Bezos
and his secret to happiness.
212
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,519
HE SIGHS
213
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,599
And we're out of ice, old melon.
214
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,279
You really should have brought more.
I brought the cheese,
215
00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,279
50 wheels of Le Brouere
melting in the ship's hold.
216
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,719
POWERING DOWN
217
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,839
X5 boat, what's wrong?
218
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,759
'Battery depleted.
Reducing to minimum speed.'
219
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,479
This is an emergency.
I'm calling for help.
220
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:12,839
And ice.
221
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:17,399
No reception! Screw you, rainforest!
222
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,679
MONKEY SCREAMS
223
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,600
Ooh!
I'm a billionaire, Branson.
224
00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:24,799
I'll figure this out the way
I solve every other problem -
225
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,159
break out the weed.
226
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,239
I didn't bring any.
We're fucked!
227
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,919
MONKEYS SCREECHING
228
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:30,970
Ah! Ooh!
229
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,919
This is no good!
Where are my reading glasses?
230
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,800
Ah! That's better!
231
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,359
Fuck!
232
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,399
It's from the producers
of the next Bond movie.
233
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,759
They want me to do the song!
234
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,879
Really? Don't they normally
get hip, young people to do that?
235
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,679
I'm young! 74 is the new 35.
236
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,999
And I've got lots of trendy
new song ideas!
237
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,839
I'm still James Bond
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
238
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:57,879
Are you sure?
239
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,799
Billie Eilish did the last one,
and she's still in diapers.
240
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,399
You're right.
So, why are they getting in touch?
241
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,360
Where are my bifocals?
242
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,199
Ha!
243
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,199
GASPS
Double fuck!
244
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,439
They want me to play Bond!
What?
245
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,759
Bond. James Bond.
246
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,719
Licence to kill.
CHUCKLES
247
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,519
Quite a lot of people
I'd like to kill.
248
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,359
Starting with Madonna!
Give me the phone.
249
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,559
They want you to play a comedy part.
250
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,999
An old has-been singer
with haemorrhoids.
251
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,439
GASPS
I don't have haemorrhoids!
252
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,639
Then why have you been buying
this cream?
253
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:34,559
You're right. I'm a pathetic,
vain, deluded, hilarious old man.
254
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,839
No! You're not hilarious.
255
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,839
You won't even give me that?!
256
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:43,119
I'm going to end it all
by sticking my head in the oven!
257
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,359
Goodbye, cruel world!
258
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:47,759
ELTON WAILS
259
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,839
Oh, there's an apple crumble
in here.
260
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,599
Where's my cup of tea?
261
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,159
Coming right up!
262
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,720
Didn't want to play Bond anyway.
Or do the stupid song.
263
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,439
At the skyfall
264
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,439
I'll eat crumble
265
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,359
With some custard
266
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,199
Till my tum's full.
267
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,799
I'm on the Bond diet.
268
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,479
Double-O Seven helpings!
269
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,720
CACKLES
270
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,519
Oh, no, a baby's about to fall off
that balcony!
271
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:23,279
This sounds like a job
for the future King of England!
272
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,079
How does being royal help?
273
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,359
Because whenever I travel,
274
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:30,799
my hands swell up to five times
their normal size.
275
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,359
It's weird, but true.
You can see it in photos of me.
276
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,279
Right now, it's just the ticket.
277
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,520
BABY WAILS
278
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,919
How can the people of Britain
ever repay you?
279
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:43,999
Just doing my duty, madam. Shake?
280
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,799
Ooh! Get those puffy goo bags away!
281
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,280
Fair enough.
282
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,239
God, how long have we been
on this river?
283
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,159
Food gone... battery dead...
284
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,919
Look, over there!
Is that some hideous jungle ghost?
285
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:05,119
No, it's me! Mark Zuckerberg!
I got the letter too, man.
286
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,479
I power-surfed up the river
as fast as I could,
287
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,999
living off flies
that flew into my mouth.
288
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,079
SNAP
289
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,960
Follow me to the Temple of Bezos!
290
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,479
Bezos has got the secret
to happiness, man!
291
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,519
He's suckin' wisdom
straight from God's teat.
292
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,559
I say, Zuck. You haven't gone
full bonkers, have you?
293
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,999
No, man, I've just been off Facebook
for six days.
294
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:47,039
I puked for the first three,
but now... I've got clarity.
295
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,639
I knew you'd come... and I'm glad.
296
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,919
In the end, the only friends
a billionaire has
297
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,799
are other billionaires.
298
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,799
That's why I brought you all here.
299
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,039
What about Bill Gates?
300
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,519
He sent his lawyer.
Urgh!
301
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,479
CRAZY LAUGH
Silence, worm!
302
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,039
Of course, my lord.
I'll go shoot you a pig.
303
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,479
Listen, Jeff, why don't you tell us
the secret of happiness,
304
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,439
and Branson and I will be
out of your hair...
305
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,999
I mean, your scalp...
I mean, you're bald.
306
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,639
This is the secret.
307
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,119
All those billions we made,
it was just a game.
308
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:20,999
Who's got more? You, me...
309
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,839
Me?
Never you, Branson.
310
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,719
But here, we're all friends,
equals...
311
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,199
with me in charge.
And this is where we will stay...
312
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,760
forever.
313
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,839
Argh!
314
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,199
Oops. Thought he was a boar.
315
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,719
He was a bore, but not that kind.
316
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,519
Maybe it's best
we never learned the secret,
317
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,479
since it obviously
drove him insane.
318
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,119
Some good did come of this.
We've become fast chums.
319
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,639
GOOFY LAUGH
320
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,279
Well, I suppose so.
321
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,279
I did teach this parrot your name.
322
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,200
SQUAWKS
Moron!
323
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,599
Grimes?! What are you doing here?
324
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,639
I came to tell you that even though
we're separated,
325
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,159
we can still be part
of each other's lives.
326
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,079
Of course! Simple human connection.
327
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,439
That's the true secret of happiness.
328
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,359
I wrote a song about it.
329
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,559
OFF-KEY: Grimes!
330
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,839
Grimes at home!
331
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,960
Hello-o-o!
332
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,839
Right, Mr Starmer,
the lorry's in reverse.
333
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,679
Handbrake's off.
Ready when you are.
334
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,159
What a great photo op.
335
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,919
The perfect way to highlight
Labour's deep concern
336
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,759
over the shortage of lorry drivers.
337
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,679
Snap away, fellas,
as I back this baby up.
338
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,600
CRASH
Oh!
339
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,279
If this had been a real test,
you would have failed.
340
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,599
Well, that's fine,
because I have a pre-prepared ad-lib
341
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,479
to turn this potentially
embarrassing moment
342
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,359
into a hilarious public relations
triumph.
343
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,159
Properly vetted by my inner circle,
a real crowd-pleaser,
344
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,519
which won't offend
any minority groups.
345
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,039
Ah, bless you. That is the deepest
sleep I've ever had.
346
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,239
Oh...
347
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:02,199
Help! Our Dutch dyke is leaking!
Our village will be drowned!
348
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:06,879
Sounds like a job for the Prince
with incredible swelling hands!
349
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,000
Oh?
350
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,079
You saved us!
351
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:16,199
Lucky I was making a goodwill tour
of the Edam and Gouda factories.
352
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,720
That's always a hand-sweller.
353
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,719
Even I didn't know
they could do that!
354
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,319
BIG BEN CHIMES
355
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,999
All right, people. Time to put
Global Britain on the map!
356
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,039
Remind everyone else
357
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,599
that we're definitely
one of the world's... countries.
358
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,359
ALL: Hear, hear! Bravo!
Global Britain! A country!
359
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,119
How are we going to do it?
360
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,999
Start a war?
Oh! Can I be head of bombs?
361
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,960
Something far better.
362
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,679
It's the new official
British Ship of State,
363
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,719
the HMS Nostalgia!
364
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,040
Brilliant! Nostalgia is the future!
365
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,919
SHIP PLAYS RULE, BRITANNIA
366
00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,439
What is the HMS Nostalgia
supposed to do?
367
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,999
Remind us of Great Britain's
proud seafaring past.
368
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,079
From Sir Francis Drake
to Lord Nelson
369
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,359
to that canoe bloke
who faked his own death.
370
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,319
And today's mighty naval fleet,
371
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,679
of which two whole submarines
can be at sea at the same time.
372
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:15,799
TOY SQUEAKS
373
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,439
How does a boat that takes
five weeks to get anywhere
374
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,599
improve our exports?
375
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,639
Who cares?
It's got four bars, three hot tubs,
376
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,519
and a discotheque
with a topless Russian DJ.
377
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:26,599
And it's all for us.
378
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:32,560
POUNDING DANCE MUSIC
379
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,479
For half a trillion pounds, I
thought it would be a little bigger.
380
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,559
Yah, the topless Russian DJ
cost more than we thought.
381
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:44,359
Raise roof, Novichokers!
382
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,160
FOGHORN
383
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,400
CRASH
384
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,720
Aw.
385
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,880
Oh, no.
386
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,720
CHUCKLES
387
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:13,199
Ivanka Trump, this party is the most
exciting thing to hit Florida
388
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,639
since Hurricane Andrew.
389
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,239
Where's Jared?
390
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,799
Working on his book.
391
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,170
His creative juices are flowing
with such passion and excitement.
392
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,759
Jared, come and join the party!
393
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,639
I'm surprised two fancy-pantsers
like you moved to Florida.
394
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,919
I thought you loved New York.
395
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,479
Yes, but it's so crowded and noisy
396
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,879
and full of people who hate us
because of my dad.
397
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,319
So, you've sorta been exiled
to Florida.
398
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,519
We think Florida
is just as good as New York.
399
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,319
So many cultured,
sophisticated people.
400
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,079
Have you met the chairman
of the Miami Arts Commission?
401
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,559
How do!
This here's my daughter, Mangy Lou.
402
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,999
I love your
Gucci alligator-skin purse.
403
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,439
It's an alligator-skinned alligator.
404
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,839
But I keep my oxycodone in it!
405
00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:00,640
Hey! He's gettin' away with my oxy!
Come back here!
406
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,719
Dear Meghan
407
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,239
You know I've been fascinated
By you for a while
408
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,279
Your bravery and feminism
And the way you smile
409
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,159
I'm a total stan for you
Call it my obsession
410
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,439
I just don't know why
I can't get your attention
411
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,199
How come you don't respond to me
I know you've got a podcast
412
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:23,960
Just say my name once
Or I'll blow my fucking brains out
413
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:30,639
My life is lonely all the time
414
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,399
I miss Susanna Reid
415
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,319
And even though I act
Like you got me fired
416
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,639
Still got your picture
On my phone
417
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:42,559
Give me attention
Or I'll poo my pants
418
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,079
I'll poo my pants
419
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,519
Dear Meghan, I wrote to you again
420
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,119
On Twitter, Snapchat
And Royal Mail
421
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,359
Sometimes people don't understand
When I'm trying to be funny
422
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:53,519
Like when I said
423
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,399
You were a selfish woke bitch
Only in it for the money
424
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,679
When I called you
Princess Pinocchio
425
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,120
I was kind of in a rage
426
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,999
Acknowledge my existence
427
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,279
Or I'll drive off
This fucking bridge!
428
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,160
TYRES SQUEAL
429
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:13,879
Darling, did you hear?
430
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,039
Terrible tragedy happened to
that man, you know, Piers Morgan.
431
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,439
Who the fuck is Piers Morgan?
432
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,479
Oh, God, I hate Florida.
I miss New York so much!
433
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,079
What I wouldn't do
for just one real New Yorker.
434
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,959
And here I am! Mr New York!
435
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,039
Ooh, yuck, yuck, yuck,
Rudy Giuliani!
436
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,999
Get out! Shoo!
437
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,359
SNORTS
438
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,599
How 'bout me, Coronavirus?
439
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,159
I spent a lot of time in New York!
440
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,599
Is your dad here?
441
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,639
I wanna thank him
for making me so popular.
442
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:49,079
Go away. I don't want anything
that reminds people of my father.
443
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,439
That's how we got exiled here
in the first place.
444
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:56,359
I hear ya. I'm just gonna go and
say hi to my unvaccinated friend.
445
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,519
COUGHS AND RETCHES
446
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,399
And you enjoy some hepatitis!
447
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,199
COUGHS VIOLENTLY
448
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,039
Ivanka and Jared Kushner? I'm an
assistant district attorney...
449
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,079
Get lost.
..from New York City.
450
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,679
Come in!
Prada suit? Ferragamo shoes?
451
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,319
Oh, my God, genuine New York elite!
452
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,479
I have some questions
regarding irregularities
453
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,679
at the Trump Corporation.
454
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,839
If you won't cooperate, we'll have
to extradite you to New York.
455
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,639
GASPS
You'll take me to New York
456
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,919
and all I have to do
is not cooperate?
457
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,040
Can we do that, Jared?
458
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,959
I warn you, you'll be in jail
459
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,479
with muggers and pickpockets
and gangsters.
460
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,519
Couldn't be worse
than my father's cabinet.
461
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,879
Cuff me, you bitch.
You beautiful New York bitch!
462
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:42,000
Jared, baby, get packed.
We're going home!
463
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,039
Stop right there, Charles.
What are you holding?
464
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,399
Nothing, Mama.
465
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,719
I thought you were visiting
Northern Ireland.
466
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,279
But I see you didn't go.
467
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,520
There's something hidden
in those hands!
468
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,799
BOTH EXCLAIM
469
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,279
Sneaking off with my crown again!
470
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,799
I knew it.
471
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,719
You big-handed twat.
472
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,999
Oh-oh-oh-oh
473
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,959
Oh-oh-oh-oh
474
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,919
Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh
475
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,879
Oh-oh-oh-oh
476
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,839
Ah-ah-ah-ah
477
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,799
Ah-ah-ah-ah
478
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,919
Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah
479
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,719
Oh-ah!
480
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,760
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00:22:30,810 --> 00:22:35,360
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