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The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour
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00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,400
(MUFFLED SINGING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
3
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,040
(SINGING)
4
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,179
Right, come on.
5
00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:27,220
You are officially legless.
6
00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:30,059
Watch your head.
? Tree in the hole
7
00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:31,619
? And the hole in the bog
8
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:36,059
? And the bog down to the valley-o ?
9
00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:38,019
(CAR HORN HONKS)
Ah, no!
10
00:00:38,020 --> 00:00:40,380
(LAUGHS) One more, one more
- on the way. - No.
11
00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:45,660
(BIRD CHIRPS)
12
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,979
? And the branch on the tree
13
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,139
? Tree in the hole
14
00:00:51,140 --> 00:00:53,099
? And the ball in the dog
15
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:56,659
? And we jog down to the valley-o ?
16
00:00:56,660 --> 00:00:59,500
MAN (ON RADIO):
...it's two minutes to midnight...
17
00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:06,100
(TENSE MUSIC)
(DRONING)
18
00:01:07,180 --> 00:01:09,220
(RADIO CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND)
19
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:12,020
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
20
00:01:17,980 --> 00:01:19,380
(DRONING)
21
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:33,419
(TYRES SCREECH)
22
00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:35,820
(CRASH/CAR HORN SOUNDING)
23
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:49,060
(THEME MUSIC)
24
00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:04,100
? It all happened by accident
25
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:10,380
? Bodies without names,
intersecting planes
26
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:16,540
? Of their stranger vector veins
27
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:23,019
? Europe is incontinent
28
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:25,100
? But Phillip's still alive ?
29
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,779
I will use this stick
30
00:02:50,780 --> 00:02:52,779
and others like it
31
00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:54,379
to defend my crops,
32
00:02:54,380 --> 00:02:56,779
but first we must whittle.
33
00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:59,619
Oh, God.(JUNIOR JOSH CHUCKLES)
This is not good.
34
00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:01,459
'Whittle away, my villagers!'
35
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:02,820
Whittling? (CHUCKLES)
36
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:07,339
Whittle away for the whinter
is whet and whindy.
37
00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,659
Is this- Is the final cut?
38
00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:11,300
'Whittle away.'
39
00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:15,459
Halt! Who goes there?
40
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,900
I am Celt!
41
00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:23,139
Is this the guy whose wife
is in prison for stabbing someone?
42
00:03:23,140 --> 00:03:24,739
She sporked a banker.
43
00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:27,099
Had she just watched this show?
44
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:30,299
(LAUGHING)
I think the music works.
45
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,699
Thank you, Josh.
Shame about the rest of it.
46
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,259
Shut up, Josh.
(CONFERENCE PHONE RINGING)
47
00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:37,860
Chet might like it.
(You're gonna get fired.)
48
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:41,499
Lame of Thrones.
49
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,579
(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
50
00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:46,659
Good one, sir.
This show is a mess.
51
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,539
- It's a mess.
- OK.
52
00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:51,179
So we'll make a few tweaks
in subsequent seasons.
53
00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:54,179
- Seasons?
- You wanna make people watch more of this shit?
54
00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:56,299
At one point I booed.
55
00:03:56,300 --> 00:04:00,419
Yeah.
You made me boo our own show, Wendy.
56
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:04,539
I did this with zero help,
Brad undermined me throughout...
57
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:06,859
What?
...Linda just went AWOL,
58
00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:09,499
and Josh is...
59
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,139
practically blind.
60
00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:14,219
Woah, that's crossing a line, now.
What?
61
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,299
Josh is blind.
62
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,179
Don't be ridiculous,
he's not blind.
63
00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:19,779
Err, yes, sir, I am blind.
(SCOFFS)
64
00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:21,339
When did you get blind?
65
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:24,019
I have been blind since birth.
66
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:26,819
- That's right.
- The glasses are usually the giveaway.
67
00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:30,019
You're a blind television executive?
68
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:34,099
Our most talented division heads
got promoted after the merger, sir.
69
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,739
And your division was..?
70
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:38,299
Podcasts.
71
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,459
You're doing a great job.
72
00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:45,379
So, I Am Celt will have its world
premiere in Ireland next week.
73
00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:47,379
I cannot wait.
Wendy,
74
00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:50,419
you go and introduce this show
in your homeland,
75
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:51,699
handle the press,
76
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,019
we'll decide what to do with you
when you return.
77
00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:57,260
Can anyone else hear a sitar?
78
00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:01,739
I gotta go, it's too damn hot
79
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:04,299
in this office.
80
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,899
Pack your bags, Wendy.
81
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,699
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
82
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:11,060
? DEAN MARTIN & HELEN O'CONNELL: How
D'Ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning
83
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,979
? How do you like your eggs
in the morning?
84
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:20,139
? I like mine with a kiss
85
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:21,779
? Boiled or fried?
86
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:27,139
? I'm satisfied as long as
I get my kiss...
87
00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:28,499
Thank you, ladies.
88
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,740
(KNOCKING)
89
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,659
Seamie?
90
00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:35,619
Seamie, are you awake there?
Aye.
91
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:37,859
I have something for you.
92
00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:41,539
Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry.
No, it came for you this morning.
93
00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:42,980
Oh.
94
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:45,460
(SIGHS)
95
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:53,299
Is it about your doctor's licence?
No, no, that's all sorted.
96
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,179
I go back to work today
for better or worse.
97
00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:58,020
Well, I'll get these eggs on, so.
98
00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,340
Barry?
99
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:06,459
It seems I'm a single man again.
100
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:09,780
Look at us, the bachelor boys.
101
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,460
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
102
00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,019
(SIGHS)
103
00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:18,620
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON THE RADIO)
For the new stout taps.
104
00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:29,540
(DOOR CLOSES)
105
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:37,060
Holy shit cakes.
106
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:47,740
(LAUGHS)
107
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,060
Jesus, that's hot tea.
108
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:58,299
He's back, like a migraine.
109
00:06:58,300 --> 00:06:59,699
You signed it then?
110
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:00,819
Aye.
111
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,899
I'm late for school, Seamie,
and you could've texted that.
112
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:07,019
My suspension's been lifted
so I'm back to work.
113
00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:10,379
Well, Sonny'll be thrilled,
not too sure about the patients
114
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:14,139
though, they all loved that Locum,
Dr Perky-tits.
115
00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:16,939
Well, I'm pleased to be back myself.
Aye,
116
00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:18,779
well you look like shit.
117
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:22,099
Does it not agree with you,
sleeping in a dead woman's bed?
118
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,619
She's not still in it with me,
Catherine.
119
00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:27,019
Well, between the tales
of alien abduction
120
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:29,779
and the offer to share a deathbed
up at the sheep farm
121
00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:33,779
I'd say you're pretty much
the pussy magnet around town.
122
00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:37,179
I don't think I've ever heard you
say pussy before
123
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,979
and if I'm honest
it seems a bit weird.
124
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,579
So now my pussy is weird?
125
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:44,179
I'm not saying your pussy is-
126
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:45,700
Stop saying pussy!
127
00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:48,939
Please!
128
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,779
Either of you saying pussy is weird!
129
00:07:51,780 --> 00:07:53,219
Joanne,
130
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:56,139
thought you were inside.
Nope, I'm right here,
131
00:07:56,140 --> 00:07:58,979
haven't missed a word right up
until mum's weird pussy!
132
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:02,060
Yeah, I do not have a weird pussy!
Of course you don't!
133
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,740
You have...
134
00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:14,659
...just a typical pussy.
135
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,220
Fuck my life!
136
00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:23,259
Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo,
137
00:08:23,260 --> 00:08:25,740
I'm back at the surgery now so.
OK.
138
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:30,340
What's keeping you?
139
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,579
A typical pussy?
140
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:40,059
(I meant to say tropical.)
141
00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:41,300
(SIGHS)
142
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:45,220
Get in the car, Matt.
143
00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:56,099
? The old hometown looks the same
144
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,900
? As I step down from the train...
145
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:03,659
This is my first premiere.
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
146
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,779
Cool.
147
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:08,579
I'm going to introduce
the first episode,
148
00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:11,700
bow my head and go and drink myself
into oblivion.
149
00:09:16,260 --> 00:09:17,260
Gotcha.
150
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,700
Is the show not everything
you'd hoped for?
151
00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:29,179
The caterers wanna take their name
off the credits.
152
00:09:29,180 --> 00:09:31,220
The caterers.
153
00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:35,219
(SIGHS)
154
00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:36,980
Could I pivot into real estate?
155
00:09:53,140 --> 00:09:55,859
Yeah, the Locum
asked me to put that up.
156
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:57,099
(SIGHS)
157
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,099
She was a hard lady to say no to.
158
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,179
Ah, we'll leave it up,
159
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:04,339
at least it covers that weird stain
that looks a bit like Bono.
160
00:10:04,340 --> 00:10:07,099
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that was my thinking too.
161
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:10,259
Hey, it's good to be back, son.
162
00:10:10,260 --> 00:10:13,139
The Proctor doctors together again.
163
00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:14,739
Yeah, that's not what we are.
164
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,539
(SIGHS)
Look,
165
00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:20,259
I know life has been unusual lately
166
00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:23,299
but the whole thing, it's really
given me a lot of time to think.
167
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:27,500
Which thing, the abduction,
the suspension or the separation?
168
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:34,059
I wanna take you under my wing,
like my own Dad did with me.
169
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,459
I- I can't just play doctor, Dad.
170
00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:40,099
Of course you can!
Most things these days are sepsis.
171
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,979
Look, there's no way around it,
finish your studies
172
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:45,579
and we'll be flying, eh?
173
00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:47,819
Doctor and son, Proctor and Proctor-
174
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:49,579
I'm not going back
to medical school.
175
00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:50,739
Of course you are,
176
00:10:50,740 --> 00:10:53,699
people drop out of college
and re-enrol all the time.
177
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,619
I didn't drop out, OK?
178
00:10:56,620 --> 00:10:59,539
They kicked me out
179
00:10:59,540 --> 00:11:02,579
for cheating on a paper.
180
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:07,260
I thought ChatGPT
stood for General Practitioner Tips.
181
00:11:08,740 --> 00:11:11,899
Did you really think that?
No, Dad.
182
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,060
(SIGHS)
183
00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:20,859
I couldn't keep up.
184
00:11:20,860 --> 00:11:22,980
You got caught cheating?
185
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,579
At least I took after one of you.
186
00:11:25,580 --> 00:11:27,299
(SIGHS)
187
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,220
(PHONE RINGS)
188
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,220
Ah, son.
189
00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:47,659
The town is buzzing.
190
00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,659
The committee's acting like
we're hosting the feckin' Olympics.
191
00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:53,259
(URGENT MUTTERING)
192
00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:54,419
How've you been?
193
00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:57,220
Yeah, grand.
It's been quiet enough without you.
194
00:11:58,860 --> 00:12:00,739
How's your Dad?
195
00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:02,579
Up and down.
196
00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:04,979
It's my Mam's
10-year anniversary soon
197
00:12:04,980 --> 00:12:06,619
and I think he's feeling it.
198
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:09,659
Shelly, promise me something
just in case I don't come back.
199
00:12:09,660 --> 00:12:13,139
And why wouldn't you come back?
Don't rely on people.
200
00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:15,539
No, not even my people?
201
00:12:15,540 --> 00:12:16,980
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
202
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:19,740
Yeah, there it is.
(GASPS)
203
00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:23,539
Rely on yourself
204
00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:26,899
and even then
keep your expectations low.
205
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:28,540
(CHUCKLES)
206
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,899
Wendy? I have Shirley
from Showbiz Weekly here.
207
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:33,979
Oh, God.
208
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:35,619
Miss Patterson?
209
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:36,660
That's me!
210
00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:39,979
Oh, super cute.
211
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:41,740
(You're gonna need supplies.)
212
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,579
In the pantheon of the Tudors,
Vikings, Game of Thrones,
213
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:51,300
another epic show shot in Ireland,
where does I Am Celt sit?
214
00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:54,779
It has really good music.
215
00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:57,339
OK.
216
00:12:57,340 --> 00:13:00,179
And should audiences expect
another Irish entrant
217
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:03,019
into the golden age of television?
218
00:13:03,020 --> 00:13:04,900
The Bronze Age maybe.
219
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,979
I wonder if we should take advantage
of the local colour
220
00:13:09,980 --> 00:13:12,579
we have with us here.
That is a wonderful idea.
221
00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:14,180
I am going to grab some fresh air.
222
00:13:18,620 --> 00:13:21,739
Have you found that I Am Celt
coming to film in your village
223
00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:25,380
has led to an easing
of the Catholic-Protestant divide?
224
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:32,819
I was brought up Catholic
225
00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:37,300
but I seen my Mammy use
the holy water to boil an egg once.
226
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:45,059
I'm a Protestant but sure I've half
forgotten what I'm protesting about.
227
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:46,779
Now, um...
228
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:51,579
that Science-tology,
that seems very interesting to me.
229
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,579
That is super fun, actually.
230
00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:55,660
(TIN WHISTLE PLAYING)
231
00:13:58,180 --> 00:14:00,299
Dad!
232
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,220
What the fuck are you at?
233
00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:07,940
Dad, what were you doing
on the roof?
234
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:16,619
I was waiting
235
00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:18,699
for them.
236
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,819
Were you...
237
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:22,459
(SCOFFS)
238
00:14:24,522 --> 00:14:26,642
I can't believe
I'm actually gonna say this.
239
00:14:29,082 --> 00:14:31,562
Dad, were you abducted by aliens?
240
00:14:36,002 --> 00:14:38,681
Jesus fuck, you were and all.
241
00:14:38,682 --> 00:14:41,241
Well, then, why didn't you say
- anything? - Who'd believe me?
242
00:14:41,242 --> 00:14:42,322
I would.
243
00:14:45,002 --> 00:14:47,082
I'm your daughter.
244
00:14:50,962 --> 00:14:53,561
When were you...
245
00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:55,401
...taken?
246
00:14:55,402 --> 00:14:58,202
It was a few months
after your mother passed.
247
00:14:59,762 --> 00:15:01,962
I just haven't been the same since.
248
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,321
I thought you were just grieving.
249
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:08,241
Grieving?
250
00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:10,241
What, for 10 years?
Aye.
251
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,322
About your mother?
252
00:15:14,722 --> 00:15:18,081
Well, go on, then,
what was it like up there?
253
00:15:18,082 --> 00:15:19,481
Oh come on, tell me, Da.
254
00:15:19,482 --> 00:15:26,082
It was absolutely glorious, yeah.
255
00:15:29,842 --> 00:15:33,642
It's hard being back here after.
256
00:15:37,962 --> 00:15:40,121
So all this time
you've been up in your room
257
00:15:40,122 --> 00:15:43,402
trying to figure out how to go
back with your alien friends?
258
00:15:44,962 --> 00:15:47,001
What about me?
259
00:15:47,002 --> 00:15:50,241
You can come too if you like.
260
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:52,362
Who'd stock the soda tonic fridge?
261
00:15:58,722 --> 00:16:00,482
You're an incredible girl, Shelly.
262
00:16:03,282 --> 00:16:05,682
I probably haven't told you that
enough.
263
00:16:06,682 --> 00:16:08,402
This'll be the first time.
264
00:16:24,802 --> 00:16:26,681
I got your text.
What's the emergency?
265
00:16:26,682 --> 00:16:29,121
I've just been missing
a little something.
266
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,401
I'm always losing stuff,
did you find it?
267
00:16:31,402 --> 00:16:33,721
Look, I'm horny...
268
00:16:33,722 --> 00:16:38,601
(DOOR CLOSES)
...you stupid, sexy man.
269
00:16:38,602 --> 00:16:41,441
Oh come on, Matt,
we haven't done it in here in ages.
270
00:16:41,442 --> 00:16:42,681
For good reason.
271
00:16:42,682 --> 00:16:45,961
We don't need to be having
stressful sexy time anymore.
272
00:16:45,962 --> 00:16:48,801
- Stressful?
- Sneaking around, terrified we'll get caught.
273
00:16:48,802 --> 00:16:51,401
Yeah, but isn't that
part of the fun?
274
00:16:51,402 --> 00:16:54,601
What's more fun is making slow,
275
00:16:54,602 --> 00:16:57,681
sweet love in an actual bed
276
00:16:57,682 --> 00:17:01,282
with your very untypical pussy.
277
00:17:07,602 --> 00:17:09,482
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
278
00:17:14,362 --> 00:17:16,082
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
279
00:17:22,722 --> 00:17:26,281
(UNDER HER BREATH) Why are you
dressed in character?
280
00:17:26,282 --> 00:17:28,601
(UNDER HIS BREATH) I thought
that's what you did.
281
00:17:28,602 --> 00:17:30,921
(UNDER HER BREATH) You're so funny.
282
00:17:30,922 --> 00:17:31,962
Oh!
283
00:17:35,002 --> 00:17:37,482
(PHOTOGRAPHERS SHOUTING)
284
00:17:42,522 --> 00:17:46,962
I was just wondering if you've had
any feedback about my hair.
285
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,721
Your hair?
Well, Brigid's hair.
286
00:17:50,722 --> 00:17:53,121
Oh.
287
00:17:53,122 --> 00:17:55,962
Yeah, they like it on your head.
288
00:18:01,642 --> 00:18:05,321
I've asked around and it feels like
you're the lady in the know,
289
00:18:05,322 --> 00:18:08,202
does production have
an official oil supplier?
290
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,121
No, not an official one.
Yeah.
291
00:18:12,122 --> 00:18:14,881
Any word on a second series, boss?
292
00:18:14,882 --> 00:18:18,041
Not yet, but we're gonna learn a lot
more after the audience sees it.
293
00:18:18,042 --> 00:18:19,921
Yeah.
They're nearly ready to go, Wendy.
294
00:18:19,922 --> 00:18:21,401
Why won't they let us go?
295
00:18:21,402 --> 00:18:25,362
You still good to introduce?
Yeah, just give me a second.
296
00:18:29,882 --> 00:18:31,402
I can't breathe.
297
00:18:34,362 --> 00:18:36,562
I take it
the bingo's been cancelled?
298
00:18:39,282 --> 00:18:42,922
I hope you're not planning showbiz
premieres here every week now.
299
00:18:43,962 --> 00:18:46,041
I absolutely am not.
300
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:49,322
WOMAN: Five minutes till showtime,
ladies and gentlemen!
301
00:18:50,282 --> 00:18:52,602
I heard you're getting a divorce.
(SIGHS)
302
00:18:54,602 --> 00:18:55,802
I'm sorry about that.
303
00:18:57,602 --> 00:18:58,842
Don't be.
304
00:19:00,042 --> 00:19:02,161
And thank you,
305
00:19:02,162 --> 00:19:06,041
it's not your fault anyway,
you know, I blame the aliens.
306
00:19:06,042 --> 00:19:07,762
(SCOFFS) I do that all the time.
307
00:19:10,122 --> 00:19:11,842
Relationships are tricky.
308
00:19:14,042 --> 00:19:17,801
It's hard to trust someone else
when you don't trust yourself.
309
00:19:17,802 --> 00:19:19,521
Aye.
310
00:19:19,522 --> 00:19:20,682
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
311
00:19:22,402 --> 00:19:24,202
Seamie, tell him what happened.
312
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:30,321
(SIGHS) My visiting daughter
seems to think
313
00:19:30,322 --> 00:19:32,801
you were both abducted by aliens!
314
00:19:32,802 --> 00:19:35,282
Now what do you think of that,
young Proctor?
315
00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:40,922
I don't know what
she's talking about.
316
00:19:46,682 --> 00:19:49,161
I think I've tried to build
a whole life around
317
00:19:49,162 --> 00:19:52,361
trying to be a better man
than I was that night.
318
00:19:52,362 --> 00:19:55,242
It's getting late,
I'd better be off.
319
00:19:56,482 --> 00:19:59,641
It's a pretty low bar.
(LAUGHS)
320
00:19:59,642 --> 00:20:02,442
See you around, Wendy.
Happy New Year!
321
00:20:11,602 --> 00:20:14,161
You never got married yourself, no?
322
00:20:14,162 --> 00:20:17,082
I guess I never found
- the right dress. - Aye.
323
00:20:18,402 --> 00:20:20,481
Staying around for long?
324
00:20:20,482 --> 00:20:22,521
No.
325
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,721
No?
326
00:20:24,722 --> 00:20:26,041
Well,
327
00:20:26,042 --> 00:20:29,161
you might be back next year.
328
00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:32,081
Isn't that what happens with the TV?
329
00:20:32,082 --> 00:20:36,881
Yeah, sometimes, but with this show
I would be very surprised.
330
00:20:36,882 --> 00:20:40,801
More surprised than seeing
an alpaca on a spaceship?
331
00:20:40,802 --> 00:20:42,281
What did you say, Pubba?
332
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:43,881
I've been tracking them.
333
00:20:43,882 --> 00:20:45,962
(GRUNTS)
334
00:20:47,722 --> 00:20:50,081
They like it here.
335
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,361
Is that Betty Battles' purse?
336
00:20:52,362 --> 00:20:55,201
Oh, it's nothing dodgy,
trust me, no.
337
00:20:55,202 --> 00:20:57,481
I nicked it out of her coffin,
you see.
338
00:20:57,482 --> 00:20:59,241
Sounds a bit dodgy.
339
00:20:59,242 --> 00:21:01,921
If you come back to my place
340
00:21:01,922 --> 00:21:05,081
I will show you
something pretty cool.
341
00:21:05,082 --> 00:21:08,401
That definitely sounds dodgy.
342
00:21:08,402 --> 00:21:10,362
They're feckin' back, lads.
343
00:21:20,082 --> 00:21:22,121
We're ready for you, Wendy.
344
00:21:22,122 --> 00:21:24,682
Lights are down,
audience are half cut.
345
00:21:30,082 --> 00:21:33,321
Err, I'm putting you in charge.
346
00:21:33,322 --> 00:21:37,361
Wait, you really
believe in me that much?
347
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:38,642
Sure!
348
00:21:39,522 --> 00:21:40,961
(DEEP BREATH)
349
00:21:40,962 --> 00:21:42,961
I won't let you down.
350
00:21:42,962 --> 00:21:45,322
Sounds good, I'll be at the pub.
351
00:21:46,802 --> 00:21:47,802
Come, come.
352
00:21:50,402 --> 00:21:52,202
(CROWD MURMURING)
353
00:21:58,722 --> 00:22:00,241
How's everything at home?
354
00:22:00,242 --> 00:22:03,761
Great, sister and baby
- are doing well. - Oh.
355
00:22:03,762 --> 00:22:08,481
Wife gets out of prison
next week, so that's...
356
00:22:08,482 --> 00:22:09,642
exciting.
357
00:22:11,522 --> 00:22:12,642
(Very.)
358
00:22:15,282 --> 00:22:18,522
So when you see her in person
you can tell her I'm pregnant.
359
00:22:20,402 --> 00:22:22,281
I'm only joking!
(SIGHS)
360
00:22:22,282 --> 00:22:23,921
You big dumb lug.
361
00:22:23,922 --> 00:22:25,322
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
362
00:22:27,922 --> 00:22:29,442
(MURMURING DIES DOWN)
363
00:22:31,202 --> 00:22:32,642
(TAPS MIC)
(BLOWS)
364
00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:36,321
Err...
(FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC)
365
00:22:36,322 --> 00:22:37,401
Hello.
366
00:22:37,402 --> 00:22:38,442
ALL: Hello.
367
00:22:40,162 --> 00:22:43,001
When we looked for a place
to make this show...
368
00:22:43,002 --> 00:22:44,241
(FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC)
369
00:22:44,242 --> 00:22:47,401
...we knew we needed
somewhere really special,
370
00:22:47,402 --> 00:22:52,441
somewhere with character, heart,
371
00:22:52,442 --> 00:22:54,281
parking...
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
372
00:22:54,282 --> 00:22:57,641
...broadband, not too many
electricity poles.
373
00:22:57,642 --> 00:23:00,841
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
That was a big one.
374
00:23:00,842 --> 00:23:02,401
MAN: Boring!
375
00:23:02,402 --> 00:23:04,641
Point being,
376
00:23:04,642 --> 00:23:07,881
we found all that and more
in Drumban.
377
00:23:07,882 --> 00:23:09,882
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
378
00:23:12,202 --> 00:23:14,961
We may have made the show
379
00:23:14,962 --> 00:23:18,321
but you... you made it special.
380
00:23:18,322 --> 00:23:19,881
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
381
00:23:19,882 --> 00:23:23,081
It might be called I Am Celt
382
00:23:23,082 --> 00:23:27,122
but truly we all am C-
(MURMURS FROM THE AUDIENCE)
383
00:23:29,002 --> 00:23:30,681
We...
384
00:23:30,682 --> 00:23:34,561
We Am All Celt!
385
00:23:34,562 --> 00:23:36,961
No. We...
386
00:23:36,962 --> 00:23:38,961
Is All Celt.
387
00:23:38,962 --> 00:23:41,801
It's starting, it's starting.
388
00:23:41,802 --> 00:23:44,281
Alright, err, enjoy the show!
389
00:23:44,282 --> 00:23:46,282
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
390
00:23:51,042 --> 00:23:53,362
Please...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)
391
00:23:59,282 --> 00:24:02,042
Yeah, it's not dodgy at all.
Oh, thank you.
392
00:24:05,282 --> 00:24:07,402
This is what I've been working on.
393
00:24:10,682 --> 00:24:13,681
What's with all the marks?
Dead birds,
394
00:24:13,682 --> 00:24:16,282
electrical interference, sightings.
395
00:24:17,762 --> 00:24:19,561
Where were you taken?
396
00:24:19,562 --> 00:24:22,361
In the woods, around here.
397
00:24:22,362 --> 00:24:23,842
What were you doing there?
398
00:24:24,882 --> 00:24:26,642
(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)
399
00:24:28,002 --> 00:24:30,042
Teenage stuff.
Yeah.
400
00:24:33,802 --> 00:24:35,602
Any details could be important.
401
00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:39,241
Well, um...
402
00:24:39,242 --> 00:24:41,441
I was approaching second base.
403
00:24:41,442 --> 00:24:43,121
Attempting.
404
00:24:43,122 --> 00:24:44,521
Not approaching.
OK.
405
00:24:44,522 --> 00:24:45,921
But I think that's moot,
406
00:24:45,922 --> 00:24:49,281
unless we think they're some
sort of space perverts or something.
407
00:24:49,282 --> 00:24:50,642
I don't know what they are.
408
00:24:52,842 --> 00:24:54,042
Wait a minute.
409
00:24:55,762 --> 00:24:59,121
Do you see
what's in the middle of all this?
410
00:24:59,122 --> 00:25:00,802
Can I have a pen?
411
00:25:02,082 --> 00:25:03,402
There.
412
00:25:16,642 --> 00:25:17,922
There, my home.
413
00:25:20,202 --> 00:25:22,881
They're circling my home.
414
00:25:22,882 --> 00:25:24,561
Why would they do that?
415
00:25:24,562 --> 00:25:26,481
Something tells me
they're coming back
416
00:25:26,482 --> 00:25:29,922
and that something
is glowing like a bastard.
417
00:25:31,602 --> 00:25:33,082
I have to warn my wife.
418
00:25:34,322 --> 00:25:36,321
Ex-wife.
419
00:25:36,322 --> 00:25:38,321
Right, that's right.
420
00:25:38,322 --> 00:25:39,362
(DOOR CLOSES)
421
00:25:41,562 --> 00:25:43,882
Oh, I'll grab my tin whistle.
422
00:25:48,242 --> 00:25:50,362
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(GEESE QUACK)
423
00:25:56,642 --> 00:25:59,762
The skies are mocking me.
424
00:26:01,442 --> 00:26:02,561
It's cloudy.
425
00:26:02,562 --> 00:26:03,762
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
426
00:26:05,002 --> 00:26:10,161
Even the clouds mock An Dagda.
427
00:26:10,162 --> 00:26:11,682
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
428
00:26:14,282 --> 00:26:15,401
(CHUCKLES)
429
00:26:15,402 --> 00:26:17,281
Mock me not!
430
00:26:17,282 --> 00:26:18,761
Fluff beasts!
431
00:26:18,762 --> 00:26:20,242
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
432
00:26:25,442 --> 00:26:27,401
At least they're not booing.
433
00:26:27,402 --> 00:26:30,681
I Am...
434
00:26:30,682 --> 00:26:35,481
Celt!
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
435
00:26:35,482 --> 00:26:38,202
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
436
00:26:39,762 --> 00:26:41,361
Psst!
437
00:26:41,362 --> 00:26:43,161
Is it supposed to be funny?
438
00:26:43,162 --> 00:26:45,961
I- I think it's genre fluid.
439
00:26:45,962 --> 00:26:47,401
Where's Miss Patterson?
440
00:26:47,402 --> 00:26:49,961
She may have mentioned
needing a drink.
441
00:26:49,962 --> 00:26:51,921
Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah, cool, cool,
442
00:26:51,922 --> 00:26:53,961
I think I've overdone it
on the protein shakes.
443
00:26:53,962 --> 00:26:56,282
Right, OK.
(AUDIENCE CONTINUE LAUGHING)
444
00:27:08,762 --> 00:27:10,921
(CLEARS THROAT)
Shelly?
445
00:27:10,922 --> 00:27:15,881
I was hoping to talk to you
about something cool.
446
00:27:15,882 --> 00:27:18,641
Urgh, tell me you've fixed
the soda tonic fridge in the shed.
447
00:27:18,642 --> 00:27:20,961
Oh, I've got something a bit better
than tonic water
448
00:27:20,962 --> 00:27:24,081
and it's been bottled up
a lot longer.
449
00:27:24,082 --> 00:27:26,561
Lilt? Who drinks Lilt?
450
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:30,681
No, I mean feelings
is the thing I have.
451
00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:32,121
What are you talking about?
452
00:27:32,122 --> 00:27:35,601
Look, I know this is
coming out of nowhere, Shell,
453
00:27:35,602 --> 00:27:39,841
but you're the real reason
that I haven't left Drumban,
454
00:27:39,842 --> 00:27:43,281
because I have...
455
00:27:43,282 --> 00:27:46,282
feelings for you.
456
00:27:48,202 --> 00:27:49,202
Well, yeah.
457
00:27:52,042 --> 00:27:53,281
You knew?
458
00:27:53,282 --> 00:27:55,521
How could I not know?
(SIGHS)
459
00:27:55,522 --> 00:27:58,321
Jesus, Sonny,
you're not exactly subtle.
460
00:27:58,322 --> 00:28:01,041
Once you wrote, "Love me"
in your leftover chips.
461
00:28:01,042 --> 00:28:04,201
(LAUGHS)
What? Did I?
462
00:28:04,202 --> 00:28:05,242
Did that work?
463
00:28:07,282 --> 00:28:11,001
Has anyone seen Miss Patterson?
I need to ask her about the show.
464
00:28:11,002 --> 00:28:13,121
She left with my Dad
465
00:28:13,122 --> 00:28:15,721
and her Dad.
She left with our Dads.
466
00:28:15,722 --> 00:28:17,881
Hey, why didn't you tell me
my Dad left?
467
00:28:17,882 --> 00:28:21,041
Because I was building up
to telling you that I loved you.
468
00:28:21,042 --> 00:28:22,841
Well, that could've fuckin' waited.
469
00:28:22,842 --> 00:28:25,801
Any idea where they went?
And also, what crisps do you have?
470
00:28:25,802 --> 00:28:28,681
They're going to my house.
Do you have crisps there?
471
00:28:28,682 --> 00:28:31,921
Look, Sonny, the way I see it
you've two options,
472
00:28:31,922 --> 00:28:34,121
either you move on
and find someone your own age
473
00:28:34,122 --> 00:28:36,601
who's actually interested
or you hang around,
474
00:28:36,602 --> 00:28:38,881
wait until I give in
and we eventually get married
475
00:28:38,882 --> 00:28:40,841
because we've no other options.
476
00:28:40,842 --> 00:28:43,641
So- So you're saying to just...
477
00:28:43,642 --> 00:28:47,481
wait for a decade or so?
478
00:28:47,482 --> 00:28:49,441
Sure.
479
00:28:49,442 --> 00:28:52,521
Cos I can totally do that,
sure,
480
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:54,801
hanging around
is basically my thing.
481
00:28:54,802 --> 00:28:57,681
Look, you're in charge of the pub, right?
482
00:28:57,682 --> 00:29:00,041
(DOOR OPENS)
Well, now that's commitment.
483
00:29:00,042 --> 00:29:01,522
Any peanuts or..?
484
00:29:02,922 --> 00:29:04,642
No? Ah, fuck it.
485
00:29:06,482 --> 00:29:07,482
I'll wait!
486
00:29:09,562 --> 00:29:10,562
(DOOR CLOSES)
487
00:29:13,242 --> 00:29:14,962
How does a bar work then?
488
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:28,199
Here, Catherine!
You have to get inside.
489
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:31,199
(SCOFFS) What's this?
The three feckin' amigos' reunion?
490
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:35,679
Seriously, it's not safe out here.
Don't you fuckin' dare push me.
491
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:39,119
Mrs Proctor, I have been
studying these beings
492
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:42,839
for a long time,
and they are coming back.
493
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:44,439
(CROWS CAW)
494
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,479
I see you've recruited the local
ghost to your psychic circle.
495
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:49,639
Jesus, Seamie,
not more of this alien crap.
496
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:52,320
I am begging you,
please come inside.
497
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:54,480
What's she doing here?
498
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:57,600
They took me too, Catherine.
499
00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:00,400
And me.
500
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:04,119
The night that you had
your accident.
501
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:06,319
The aliens, is it?
(LAUGHS)
502
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:07,760
(CROWS CONTINUE CAWING)
503
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:13,559
Ah!
504
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:15,919
They're back? Fuck, they're here.
505
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:18,119
What the hell is that?
506
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,999
About fucking time.
507
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:22,960
What? You weren't taking the piss?
508
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,439
(PLAYS THE TIN WHISTLE)
509
00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:29,479
- Oh!
- Fuck! Jesus Christ!
510
00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:31,359
Oh my God!
511
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,199
My legs!
Let her go, you bastards!
512
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:35,399
(GASPS)
513
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:36,599
Seamie?
514
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:39,159
Pubba,
put your fuckin' whistle away!
515
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,119
Oh, Seamie!
Let her go!
516
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:42,839
Mother of Zeus.
517
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,959
(WHIMPERING)
518
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,600
I Am Celt!
519
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:52,159
(GRUNTS)
Who the fuck are you?
520
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:53,679
(SCREAMING)
521
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,839
Not her! Me!
522
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:58,839
God fucking save us.
523
00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,959
(CREATURE SHRIEKING)
524
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,279
(GRUNTS)
Argh!
525
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:07,079
She doesn't wanna go! Do me!
526
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:08,879
Da!
527
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:10,039
Take me!
528
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:12,639
What are you at?
529
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,319
Take me!
530
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:15,759
(GASPS)
531
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,640
Ah come on, fuck!
532
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:21,279
Wait!
533
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:22,320
It's OK.
534
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:25,600
Let's get inside, come on.
535
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:29,599
Have you got a key?
536
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:31,279
Come back!
Come on, Dad.
537
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:34,600
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
(CHITTERING)
538
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,559
That was a spaceship.
Jesus Christ!
539
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,719
Are you OK?
- It was a fucking spaceship. - My legs.
540
00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:46,959
I held back a fuckin' spaceship.
I'm going back out.
541
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:50,679
Woah, no, you are staying on planet
Earth, whether you like it or not.
542
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,879
So this is real? This is a thing?
543
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,200
Yeah, this is a whole ordeal.
544
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:00,680
And they were here
the night of the accident.
545
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:03,680
That's why I crashed the car.
546
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,079
Why didn't you tell her that?!
547
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,919
Because then I'd have to tell her
everything.
548
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:13,759
So you'd rather me hate you
than risk telling me the truth?
549
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,519
You hated me?
(MOBILE NOTIFICATION DING)
550
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:21,080
"Going great here,
lots and lots of laughs."
551
00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:24,239
What?
552
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:27,240
I feel bad now for all
the shitty things I did.(SIGHS)
553
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,320
Consider yourself forgiven.
554
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:38,159
I gave Matt a hand job
in your waiting room once.
555
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:39,399
When he had a verruca.
556
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,919
Well, I mean, I tried to
but he couldn't get hard.
557
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,879
Why are you telling me this?
I dunno, it feels good to confess.
558
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,320
Not to fuckin' me!
559
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,279
(CREATURE CHITTERING)
560
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:53,199
Why do they keep coming here?
What do they want?
561
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,999
I don't know, but maybe it's to do
with the magnet mine
562
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,959
or the alabaster hills,
they're like a...
563
00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:02,359
a big fuckin' arrow
564
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:06,040
saying, "Land here, we were chosen."
565
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:10,279
Well, whoopdy-fuckin'-doo.
566
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:11,640
(SCREECHING OUTSIDE)
567
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:14,480
What the fuck?
568
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:17,680
(SCREECHING CONTINUES)
569
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:20,960
What the fuck is that?
570
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:23,080
An alien?
571
00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:27,839
Is it just me, or does that alien
look exactly like...
572
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,119
An Dobhar Chu.
573
00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,159
(CHITTERING)
574
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:32,840
(AUDIENCE AWW)
575
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:38,560
Avenge my flock, An Dagda!
576
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,399
I Am Celt!
577
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,239
(WAILS)
578
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:45,839
(SCREAMS)
579
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:47,919
That wasn't in the script.
580
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,039
Improv.
581
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:50,079
Ha!
582
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:51,520
(DOBHAR CHU CHITTERS)
583
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,279
Jesus.
I'm not crazy, right?
584
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,239
(CHITTERING CONTINUES)
It is the spit of an Dobhar Chu.
585
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:01,639
What the fuck do aliens have to do
with Celts?
586
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,199
Oh, Jesus.
587
00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:05,880
(What the hell are you doing?)
(Dad.)
588
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,079
Ah, it's OK.
589
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:11,959
Come on, come on.
590
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:13,840
No, oh, oh...
591
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:16,760
Greetings.
592
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:22,160
I am Pubba McGoldrick, of the Earth.
593
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:24,719
(CHITTERS)
594
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,319
We come in peace.
595
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,879
Get out of here, you mongrel.
596
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:29,920
Oh!
597
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,440
Oh, shit.
(SCREAMS)
598
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:37,160
Fuckin' space blood.
599
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,639
What did you do?
600
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:45,559
I think it was playing fetch.
601
00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:48,839
Is it dead?
Well, he's not very well.
602
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:51,080
(TROMBONE NOISES)
You're welcome.
603
00:34:53,720 --> 00:34:56,040
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
604
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:01,919
Mad mucker number two! That's me!
There I am.
605
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,599
Did you see my boggy back field?
606
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,199
Beautiful, wasn't it?
607
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:08,839
I was hoping the petrol station
might get featured
608
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,679
but sure I suppose
there's timeline issues.
609
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:13,599
What's the verdict, folks?
610
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,119
You like it?
We loved it.
611
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:16,639
Bona fide triumph.
612
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:18,399
Comedy gold.
613
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:20,920
Oh, I think it's dying.
Should we...
614
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,479
try and save it?
615
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,239
You're the doctor, do something.
616
00:35:27,240 --> 00:35:30,599
Hey, hey, if someone wants to give
the thing mouth-to-mouth
617
00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:31,639
I won't stop them.
618
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,319
I'm not giving it mouth-to-mouth,
look at its bollocks there.
619
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:36,719
(THE ANIMAL SQUEAKS)
It's not even a human.
620
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:38,759
Yeah, but all the same,
621
00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:41,199
I wouldn't be giving
mouth-to-mouth to a male dog even.
622
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:43,919
Oh, but I'd catch you giving
mouth-to-mouth to a female dog?
623
00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:46,039
Yeah, I did, and it worked,
624
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,159
and I'd do it again, gladly.
625
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:50,879
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh crap, I- I have to take this.
626
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,240
Yeah, work away, all quiet in here.
627
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,719
Chet, hi!
'Busy?'
628
00:35:56,720 --> 00:36:00,159
No! No... Of course.
Are you fuckin' kidding?
629
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:01,279
Go.
630
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:02,560
Jesus.
631
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:06,800
Urgh.
632
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:13,720
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
633
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,639
Urgh.
Oh, Christ, I'm gonna puke.
634
00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:19,599
You're not helping, Shelly.
635
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:24,039
We were trying to walk that line,
"mystorical... dramady."
636
00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:25,639
(AN DOBHAR CHU FARTS)
637
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,000
(RETCHES)
638
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:29,679
Must've been on your end.
639
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:31,440
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
640
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:35,679
Can I get a Long Island Iced Tea?
641
00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:38,239
Sure thing, let me
just get the kettle on.
642
00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:42,359
Excuse me? Hello?
Romance, bloodshed, pratfalls,
643
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:44,159
what's not to love?
644
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:45,799
It's a hell of a combo alright.
645
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:50,160
Next season I can get you proper
blood though, as much as you like.
646
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,519
Wow, that's generous.
647
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,480
Well, it won't be free.
But you won't find it cheaper.
648
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:00,759
I liked the bit where the Dagda
was making eyes at his Mammy.
649
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:04,999
Aye, that didn't make sense, why was
he getting off with his own mother?
650
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:07,359
He's the God of agriculture, Keith,
651
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:08,919
as any farmer will tell ya,
652
00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:12,320
it can be a very lonely life,
so it can.
653
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,560
(SNORTING SOUNDS)
Sorry.
654
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:28,759
Sorry.
655
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,840
Need a little pick-me-up?
656
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:37,279
OK.
657
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:39,119
It won't kill you, like.
658
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:40,320
(SIGHS)
659
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,919
Ah, look,
by the power vested in me,
660
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:46,360
I now pronounce
this fuckin' thing dead.
661
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:50,399
(SIGHS)
My God, has anyone got a mint?
662
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,479
I'm sorry, I'm literally
chewing on my last one.
663
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,319
So what are we gonna do
with this thing?
664
00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:57,839
This is first contact,
665
00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:01,479
the most momentous event in history,
666
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:04,439
we need to tell the world.
Woah, woah, woah.
667
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,439
We're not calling anyone
until we've discussed our options.
668
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:09,199
Who made you boss?
669
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:10,879
(COUGHS) She's my boss.
670
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:13,479
I think Pubba's right,
I think we should have a vote.
671
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:14,519
Thank you.
672
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:19,199
Can I abstain? Out of respect
for this weird, innocent dog thing.
673
00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:21,839
I vote we throw
the fucker in the lake.
674
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,399
If we tell anyone,
675
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:28,559
the government's gonna put a big
fence around this whole town
676
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,679
and do weird, secret tests on us
677
00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:35,160
while soldiers with guns and gas
masks keep us from going anywhere.
678
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:38,720
Trust me, I live in America.
679
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:41,519
(She does.)
680
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:45,479
Plus, if we want any hope
681
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:48,279
of a second season of I Am Celt,
682
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,599
it is probably
in all of our interests
683
00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:52,919
to stop Drumban
from turning into Area 51.
684
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,559
- Can I un-abstain?
- ALL: No. Can we vote on that?
685
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:57,319
No.
Fuck.
686
00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:02,440
All those in favour of showing
this thing to the world, hands up.
687
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,680
All those in favour of dumping
this creature in the lake.
688
00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:20,280
(SIGHS)
689
00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:24,760
I mean, you can feckin' do it.
690
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:42,759
You know,
691
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,319
I went to Old Grange looking for ya.
692
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:46,879
The last time I was here?
693
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:49,199
Aye.
Why?
694
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,799
I dunno.
695
00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:56,920
I suppose it crossed my mind that
we might make each other happy.
696
00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:01,600
(LAUGHS)
697
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:06,760
Thanks.
698
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,719
Oh, well,
this is a good a place as any.
699
00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:15,760
Yeah.
700
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:19,999
What are they gabbing about?
701
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:22,120
The show getting renewed, probably.
702
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,559
Come on, baby,
703
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:28,679
glow for me.
704
00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:30,040
Are you ready?
705
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:35,799
On three,
706
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,079
one,
707
00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:39,639
two,
708
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:41,000
three.
(GRUNTS)
709
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:44,960
(PANTING)
710
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:00,920
(SCREAMS)
Oh shit.
711
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:05,679
Seamus? You gobshite.
712
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,240
(LAUGHING)
713
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:14,759
Just- Just sit down,
shut the fuck up.
714
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:16,920
(LAUGHS)
Fine.
715
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:25,640
(MATT AND KEITH SHOUTING)
716
00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:32,719
I'll lob you in two and be back home
to ride me Ma before tea.
717
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:35,840
What would you say that is?
718
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,040
That's no bird.
719
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:54,280
Plot feckin' twist.
720
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:05,800
(APPLAUSE)
721
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:28,920
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
722
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:34,119
Oh hey, Pubba.
Good man.
723
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:36,079
Right, let the inaugural meeting
724
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:39,279
of the committee
to bring aliens to Drumban
725
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:40,440
commence.
726
00:42:49,240 --> 00:42:50,920
(LOW DRONING)
727
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:24,039
(CHITTER)
728
00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:26,079
? I'm alive!
729
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,719
? And I see things
mighty clear today
730
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:31,080
? I'm alive!
731
00:43:33,720 --> 00:43:35,320
? I'm alive!
732
00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:38,639
? And I'm breathin'
clean fresh air today,
733
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:40,479
? I'm alive!
734
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:41,560
? Yes I...
735
00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:45,120
? And I'm real!
736
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,519
? I can taste and touch
and see and feel
737
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,240
? I'm alive
738
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:55,839
? I'm alive!
739
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,679
? And I'm doin' my thing
and singin' my song,
740
00:43:58,680 --> 00:43:59,719
? I'm alive!
741
00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:04,399
? Oh yeah, hey! ?
742
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:05,799
(SONG FADES)
743
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:09,200
Subtitles by Sky Access Services
www.skyaccessibility.sky
744
00:44:09,250 --> 00:44:13,800
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
51865
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