Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour

(MUFFLED SINGING) (TENSE MUSIC)

(SINGING)

Right, come on.

You are officially legless.

Watch your head. ? Tree in the hole

? And the hole in the bog

? And the bog down to the valley-o ?

(CAR HORN HONKS) Ah, no!

(LAUGHS) One more, one more - on the way. - No.

(BIRD CHIRPS)

? And the branch on the tree

? Tree in the hole

? And the ball in the dog

? And we jog down to the valley-o ?

MAN (ON RADIO): ...it's two minutes to midnight...

(TENSE MUSIC) (DRONING)

(RADIO CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(DRONING)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(CRASH/CAR HORN SOUNDING)

(THEME MUSIC)

? It all happened by accident

? Bodies without names, intersecting planes

? Of their stranger vector veins

? Europe is incontinent

? But Phillip's still alive ?

I will use this stick

and others like it

to defend my crops,

but first we must whittle.

Oh, God.(JUNIOR JOSH CHUCKLES) This is not good.

'Whittle away, my villagers!'

Whittling? (CHUCKLES)

Whittle away for the whinter is whet and whindy.

Is this- Is the final cut?

'Whittle away.'

Halt! Who goes there?

I am Celt!

Is this the guy whose wife is in prison for stabbing someone?

She sporked a banker.

Had she just watched this show?

(LAUGHING) I think the music works.

Thank you, Josh. Shame about the rest of it.

Shut up, Josh. (CONFERENCE PHONE RINGING)

Chet might like it. (You're gonna get fired.)

Lame of Thrones.

(EVERYONE LAUGHS)

Good one, sir. This show is a mess.

- It's a mess. - OK.

So we'll make a few tweaks in subsequent seasons.

- Seasons? - You wanna make people watch more of this shit?

At one point I booed.

Yeah. You made me boo our own show, Wendy.

I did this with zero help, Brad undermined me throughout...

What? ...Linda just went AWOL,

and Josh is...

practically blind.

Woah, that's crossing a line, now. What?

Josh is blind.

Don't be ridiculous, he's not blind.

Err, yes, sir, I am blind. (SCOFFS)

When did you get blind?

I have been blind since birth.

- That's right. - The glasses are usually the giveaway.

You're a blind television executive?

Our most talented division heads got promoted after the merger, sir.

And your division was..?

Podcasts.

You're doing a great job.

So, I Am Celt will have its world premiere in Ireland next week.

I cannot wait. Wendy,

you go and introduce this show in your homeland,

handle the press,

we'll decide what to do with you when you return.

Can anyone else hear a sitar?

I gotta go, it's too damn hot

in this office.

Pack your bags, Wendy.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)

? DEAN MARTIN & HELEN O'CONNELL: How D'Ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning

? How do you like your eggs in the morning?

? I like mine with a kiss

? Boiled or fried?

? I'm satisfied as long as I get my kiss...

Thank you, ladies.

(KNOCKING)

Seamie?

Seamie, are you awake there? Aye.

I have something for you.

Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry. No, it came for you this morning.

Oh.

(SIGHS)

Is it about your doctor's licence? No, no, that's all sorted.

I go back to work today for better or worse.

Well, I'll get these eggs on, so.

Barry?

It seems I'm a single man again.

Look at us, the bachelor boys.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON THE RADIO) For the new stout taps.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Holy shit cakes.

(LAUGHS)

Jesus, that's hot tea.

He's back, like a migraine.

You signed it then?

Aye.

I'm late for school, Seamie, and you could've texted that.

My suspension's been lifted so I'm back to work.

Well, Sonny'll be thrilled, not too sure about the patients

though, they all loved that Locum, Dr Perky-tits.

Well, I'm pleased to be back myself. Aye,

well you look like shit.

Does it not agree with you, sleeping in a dead woman's bed?

She's not still in it with me, Catherine.

Well, between the tales of alien abduction

and the offer to share a deathbed up at the sheep farm

I'd say you're pretty much the pussy magnet around town.

I don't think I've ever heard you say pussy before

and if I'm honest it seems a bit weird.

So now my pussy is weird?

I'm not saying your pussy is-

Stop saying pussy!

Please!

Either of you saying pussy is weird!

Joanne,

thought you were inside. Nope, I'm right here,

haven't missed a word right up until mum's weird pussy!

Yeah, I do not have a weird pussy! Of course you don't!

You have...

...just a typical pussy.

Fuck my life!

Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo,

I'm back at the surgery now so. OK.

What's keeping you?

A typical pussy?

(I meant to say tropical.)

(SIGHS)

Get in the car, Matt.

? The old hometown looks the same

? As I step down from the train...

This is my first premiere. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Cool.

I'm going to introduce the first episode,

bow my head and go and drink myself into oblivion.

Gotcha.

Is the show not everything you'd hoped for?

The caterers wanna take their name off the credits.

The caterers.

(SIGHS)

Could I pivot into real estate?

Yeah, the Locum asked me to put that up.

(SIGHS)

She was a hard lady to say no to.

Ah, we'll leave it up,

at least it covers that weird stain that looks a bit like Bono.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, that was my thinking too.

Hey, it's good to be back, son.

The Proctor doctors together again.

Yeah, that's not what we are.

(SIGHS) Look,

I know life has been unusual lately

but the whole thing, it's really given me a lot of time to think.

Which thing, the abduction, the suspension or the separation?

I wanna take you under my wing, like my own Dad did with me.

I- I can't just play doctor, Dad.

Of course you can! Most things these days are sepsis.

Look, there's no way around it, finish your studies

and we'll be flying, eh?

Doctor and son, Proctor and Proctor-

I'm not going back to medical school.

Of course you are,

people drop out of college and re-enrol all the time.

I didn't drop out, OK?

They kicked me out

for cheating on a paper.

I thought ChatGPT stood for General Practitioner Tips.

Did you really think that? No, Dad.

(SIGHS)

I couldn't keep up.

You got caught cheating?

At least I took after one of you.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Ah, son.

The town is buzzing.

The committee's acting like we're hosting the feckin' Olympics.

(URGENT MUTTERING)

How've you been?

Yeah, grand. It's been quiet enough without you.

How's your Dad?

Up and down.

It's my Mam's 10-year anniversary soon

and I think he's feeling it.

Shelly, promise me something just in case I don't come back.

And why wouldn't you come back? Don't rely on people.

No, not even my people?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yeah, there it is. (GASPS)

Rely on yourself

and even then keep your expectations low.

(CHUCKLES)

Wendy? I have Shirley from Showbiz Weekly here.

Oh, God.

Miss Patterson?

That's me!

Oh, super cute.

(You're gonna need supplies.)

In the pantheon of the Tudors, Vikings, Game of Thrones,

another epic show shot in Ireland, where does I Am Celt sit?

It has really good music.

OK.

And should audiences expect another Irish entrant

into the golden age of television?

The Bronze Age maybe.

I wonder if we should take advantage of the local colour

we have with us here. That is a wonderful idea.

I am going to grab some fresh air.

Have you found that I Am Celt coming to film in your village

has led to an easing of the Catholic-Protestant divide?

I was brought up Catholic

but I seen my Mammy use the holy water to boil an egg once.

I'm a Protestant but sure I've half forgotten what I'm protesting about.

Now, um...

that Science-tology, that seems very interesting to me.

That is super fun, actually.

(TIN WHISTLE PLAYING)

Dad!

What the fuck are you at?

Dad, what were you doing on the roof?

I was waiting

for them.

Were you...

(SCOFFS)

I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this.

Dad, were you abducted by aliens?

Jesus fuck, you were and all.

Well, then, why didn't you say - anything? - Who'd believe me?

I would.

I'm your daughter.

When were you...

...taken?

It was a few months after your mother passed.

I just haven't been the same since.

I thought you were just grieving.

Grieving?

What, for 10 years? Aye.

About your mother?

Well, go on, then, what was it like up there?

Oh come on, tell me, Da.

It was absolutely glorious, yeah.

It's hard being back here after.

So all this time you've been up in your room

trying to figure out how to go back with your alien friends?

What about me?

You can come too if you like.

Who'd stock the soda tonic fridge?

You're an incredible girl, Shelly.

I probably haven't told you that enough.

This'll be the first time.

I got your text. What's the emergency?

I've just been missing a little something.

I'm always losing stuff, did you find it?

Look, I'm horny...

(DOOR CLOSES) ...you stupid, sexy man.

Oh come on, Matt, we haven't done it in here in ages.

For good reason.

We don't need to be having stressful sexy time anymore.

- Stressful? - Sneaking around, terrified we'll get caught.

Yeah, but isn't that part of the fun?

What's more fun is making slow,

sweet love in an actual bed

with your very untypical pussy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(UNDER HER BREATH) Why are you dressed in character?

(UNDER HIS BREATH) I thought that's what you did.

(UNDER HER BREATH) You're so funny.

Oh!

(PHOTOGRAPHERS SHOUTING)

I was just wondering if you've had any feedback about my hair.

Your hair? Well, Brigid's hair.

Oh.

Yeah, they like it on your head.

I've asked around and it feels like you're the lady in the know,

does production have an official oil supplier?

No, not an official one. Yeah.

Any word on a second series, boss?

Not yet, but we're gonna learn a lot more after the audience sees it.

Yeah. They're nearly ready to go, Wendy.

Why won't they let us go?

You still good to introduce? Yeah, just give me a second.

I can't breathe.

I take it the bingo's been cancelled?

I hope you're not planning showbiz premieres here every week now.

I absolutely am not.

WOMAN: Five minutes till showtime, ladies and gentlemen!

I heard you're getting a divorce. (SIGHS)

I'm sorry about that.

Don't be.

And thank you,

it's not your fault anyway, you know, I blame the aliens.

(SCOFFS) I do that all the time.

Relationships are tricky.

It's hard to trust someone else when you don't trust yourself.

Aye.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Seamie, tell him what happened.

(SIGHS) My visiting daughter seems to think

you were both abducted by aliens!

Now what do you think of that, young Proctor?

I don't know what she's talking about.

I think I've tried to build a whole life around

trying to be a better man than I was that night.

It's getting late, I'd better be off.

It's a pretty low bar. (LAUGHS)

See you around, Wendy. Happy New Year!

You never got married yourself, no?

I guess I never found - the right dress. - Aye.

Staying around for long?

No.

No?

Well,

you might be back next year.

Isn't that what happens with the TV?

Yeah, sometimes, but with this show I would be very surprised.

More surprised than seeing an alpaca on a spaceship?

What did you say, Pubba?

I've been tracking them.

(GRUNTS)

They like it here.

Is that Betty Battles' purse?

Oh, it's nothing dodgy, trust me, no.

I nicked it out of her coffin, you see.

Sounds a bit dodgy.

If you come back to my place

I will show you something pretty cool.

That definitely sounds dodgy.

They're feckin' back, lads.

We're ready for you, Wendy.

Lights are down, audience are half cut.

Err, I'm putting you in charge.

Wait, you really believe in me that much?

Sure!

(DEEP BREATH)

I won't let you down.

Sounds good, I'll be at the pub.

Come, come.

(CROWD MURMURING)

How's everything at home?

Great, sister and baby - are doing well. - Oh.

Wife gets out of prison next week, so that's...

exciting.

(Very.)

So when you see her in person you can tell her I'm pregnant.

I'm only joking! (SIGHS)

You big dumb lug.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(MURMURING DIES DOWN)

(TAPS MIC) (BLOWS)

Err... (FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC)

Hello.

ALL: Hello.

When we looked for a place to make this show...

(FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC)

...we knew we needed somewhere really special,

somewhere with character, heart,

parking... (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

...broadband, not too many electricity poles.

(AUDIENCE LAUGH) That was a big one.

MAN: Boring!

Point being,

we found all that and more in Drumban.

(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)

We may have made the show

but you... you made it special.

(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)

It might be called I Am Celt

but truly we all am C- (MURMURS FROM THE AUDIENCE)

We...

We Am All Celt!

No. We...

Is All Celt.

It's starting, it's starting.

Alright, err, enjoy the show!

(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)

Please... (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)

Yeah, it's not dodgy at all. Oh, thank you.

This is what I've been working on.

What's with all the marks? Dead birds,

electrical interference, sightings.

Where were you taken?

In the woods, around here.

What were you doing there?

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

Teenage stuff. Yeah.

Any details could be important.

Well, um...

I was approaching second base.

Attempting.

Not approaching. OK.

But I think that's moot,

unless we think they're some sort of space perverts or something.

I don't know what they are.

Wait a minute.

Do you see what's in the middle of all this?

Can I have a pen?

There.

There, my home.

They're circling my home.

Why would they do that?

Something tells me they're coming back

and that something is glowing like a bastard.

I have to warn my wife.

Ex-wife.

Right, that's right.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, I'll grab my tin whistle.

(THUNDER RUMBLES) (GEESE QUACK)

The skies are mocking me.

It's cloudy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

Even the clouds mock An Dagda.

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

(CHUCKLES)

Mock me not!

Fluff beasts!

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

At least they're not booing.

I Am...

Celt! (THUNDER RUMBLES)

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

Psst!

Is it supposed to be funny?

I- I think it's genre fluid.

Where's Miss Patterson?

She may have mentioned needing a drink.

Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, cool, cool,

I think I've overdone it on the protein shakes.

Right, OK. (AUDIENCE CONTINUE LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Shelly?

I was hoping to talk to you about something cool.

Urgh, tell me you've fixed the soda tonic fridge in the shed.

Oh, I've got something a bit better than tonic water

and it's been bottled up a lot longer.

Lilt? Who drinks Lilt?

No, I mean feelings is the thing I have.

What are you talking about?

Look, I know this is coming out of nowhere, Shell,

but you're the real reason that I haven't left Drumban,

because I have...

feelings for you.

Well, yeah.

You knew?

How could I not know? (SIGHS)

Jesus, Sonny, you're not exactly subtle.

Once you wrote, "Love me" in your leftover chips.

(LAUGHS) What? Did I?

Did that work?

Has anyone seen Miss Patterson? I need to ask her about the show.

She left with my Dad

and her Dad. She left with our Dads.

Hey, why didn't you tell me my Dad left?

Because I was building up to telling you that I loved you.

Well, that could've fuckin' waited.

Any idea where they went? And also, what crisps do you have?

They're going to my house. Do you have crisps there?

Look, Sonny, the way I see it you've two options,

either you move on and find someone your own age

who's actually interested or you hang around,

wait until I give in and we eventually get married

because we've no other options.

So- So you're saying to just...

wait for a decade or so?

Sure.

Cos I can totally do that, sure,

hanging around is basically my thing.

Look, you're in charge of the pub, right?

(DOOR OPENS) Well, now that's commitment.

Any peanuts or..?

No? Ah, fuck it.

I'll wait!

(DOOR CLOSES)

How does a bar work then?

Here, Catherine! You have to get inside.

(SCOFFS) What's this? The three feckin' amigos' reunion?

Seriously, it's not safe out here. Don't you fuckin' dare push me.

Mrs Proctor, I have been studying these beings

for a long time, and they are coming back.

(CROWS CAW)

I see you've recruited the local ghost to your psychic circle.

Jesus, Seamie, not more of this alien crap.

I am begging you, please come inside.

What's she doing here?

They took me too, Catherine.

And me.

The night that you had your accident.

The aliens, is it? (LAUGHS)

(CROWS CONTINUE CAWING)

Ah!

They're back? Fuck, they're here.

What the hell is that?

About fucking time.

What? You weren't taking the piss?

(PLAYS THE TIN WHISTLE)

- Oh! - Fuck! Jesus Christ!

Oh my God!

My legs! Let her go, you bastards!

(GASPS)

Seamie?

Pubba, put your fuckin' whistle away!

Oh, Seamie! Let her go!

Mother of Zeus.

(WHIMPERING)

I Am Celt!

(GRUNTS) Who the fuck are you?

(SCREAMING)

Not her! Me!

God fucking save us.

(CREATURE SHRIEKING)

(GRUNTS) Argh!

She doesn't wanna go! Do me!

Da!

Take me!

What are you at?

Take me!

(GASPS)

Ah come on, fuck!

Wait!

It's OK.

Let's get inside, come on.

Have you got a key?

Come back! Come on, Dad.

(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE) (CHITTERING)

That was a spaceship. Jesus Christ!

Are you OK? - It was a fucking spaceship. - My legs.

I held back a fuckin' spaceship. I'm going back out.

Woah, no, you are staying on planet Earth, whether you like it or not.

So this is real? This is a thing?

Yeah, this is a whole ordeal.

And they were here the night of the accident.

That's why I crashed the car.

Why didn't you tell her that?!

Because then I'd have to tell her everything.

So you'd rather me hate you than risk telling me the truth?

You hated me? (MOBILE NOTIFICATION DING)

"Going great here, lots and lots of laughs."

What?

I feel bad now for all the shitty things I did.(SIGHS)

Consider yourself forgiven.

I gave Matt a hand job in your waiting room once.

When he had a verruca.

Well, I mean, I tried to but he couldn't get hard.

Why are you telling me this? I dunno, it feels good to confess.

Not to fuckin' me!

(CREATURE CHITTERING)

Why do they keep coming here? What do they want?

I don't know, but maybe it's to do with the magnet mine

or the alabaster hills, they're like a...

a big fuckin' arrow

saying, "Land here, we were chosen."

Well, whoopdy-fuckin'-doo.

(SCREECHING OUTSIDE)

What the fuck?

(SCREECHING CONTINUES)

What the fuck is that?

An alien?

Is it just me, or does that alien look exactly like...

An Dobhar Chu.

(CHITTERING)

(AUDIENCE AWW)

Avenge my flock, An Dagda!

I Am Celt!

(WAILS)

(SCREAMS)

That wasn't in the script.

Improv.

Ha!

(DOBHAR CHU CHITTERS)

Jesus. I'm not crazy, right?

(CHITTERING CONTINUES) It is the spit of an Dobhar Chu.

What the fuck do aliens have to do with Celts?

Oh, Jesus.

(What the hell are you doing?) (Dad.)

Ah, it's OK.

Come on, come on.

No, oh, oh...

Greetings.

I am Pubba McGoldrick, of the Earth.

(CHITTERS)

We come in peace.

Get out of here, you mongrel.

Oh!

Oh, shit. (SCREAMS)

Fuckin' space blood.

What did you do?

I think it was playing fetch.

Is it dead? Well, he's not very well.

(TROMBONE NOISES) You're welcome.

(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)

Mad mucker number two! That's me! There I am.

Did you see my boggy back field?

Beautiful, wasn't it?

I was hoping the petrol station might get featured

but sure I suppose there's timeline issues.

What's the verdict, folks?

You like it? We loved it.

Bona fide triumph.

Comedy gold.

Oh, I think it's dying. Should we...

try and save it?

You're the doctor, do something.

Hey, hey, if someone wants to give the thing mouth-to-mouth

I won't stop them.

I'm not giving it mouth-to-mouth, look at its bollocks there.

(THE ANIMAL SQUEAKS) It's not even a human.

Yeah, but all the same,

I wouldn't be giving mouth-to-mouth to a male dog even.

Oh, but I'd catch you giving mouth-to-mouth to a female dog?

Yeah, I did, and it worked,

and I'd do it again, gladly.

(MOBILE RINGING) Oh crap, I- I have to take this.

Yeah, work away, all quiet in here.

Chet, hi! 'Busy?'

No! No... Of course. Are you fuckin' kidding?

Go.

Jesus.

Urgh.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Urgh. Oh, Christ, I'm gonna puke.

You're not helping, Shelly.

We were trying to walk that line, "mystorical... dramady."

(AN DOBHAR CHU FARTS)

(RETCHES)

Must've been on your end.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can I get a Long Island Iced Tea?

Sure thing, let me just get the kettle on.

Excuse me? Hello? Romance, bloodshed, pratfalls,

what's not to love?

It's a hell of a combo alright.

Next season I can get you proper blood though, as much as you like.

Wow, that's generous.

Well, it won't be free. But you won't find it cheaper.

I liked the bit where the Dagda was making eyes at his Mammy.

Aye, that didn't make sense, why was he getting off with his own mother?

He's the God of agriculture, Keith,

as any farmer will tell ya,

it can be a very lonely life, so it can.

(SNORTING SOUNDS) Sorry.

Sorry.

Need a little pick-me-up?

OK.

It won't kill you, like.

(SIGHS)

Ah, look, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce this fuckin' thing dead.

(SIGHS) My God, has anyone got a mint?

I'm sorry, I'm literally chewing on my last one.

So what are we gonna do with this thing?

This is first contact,

the most momentous event in history,

we need to tell the world. Woah, woah, woah.

We're not calling anyone until we've discussed our options.

Who made you boss?

(COUGHS) She's my boss.

I think Pubba's right, I think we should have a vote.

Thank you.

Can I abstain? Out of respect for this weird, innocent dog thing.

I vote we throw the fucker in the lake.

If we tell anyone,

the government's gonna put a big fence around this whole town

and do weird, secret tests on us

while soldiers with guns and gas masks keep us from going anywhere.

Trust me, I live in America.

(She does.)

Plus, if we want any hope

of a second season of I Am Celt,

it is probably in all of our interests

to stop Drumban from turning into Area 51.

- Can I un-abstain? - ALL: No. Can we vote on that?

No. Fuck.

All those in favour of showing this thing to the world, hands up.

All those in favour of dumping this creature in the lake.

(SIGHS)

I mean, you can feckin' do it.

You know,

I went to Old Grange looking for ya.

The last time I was here?

Aye. Why?

I dunno.

I suppose it crossed my mind that we might make each other happy.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks.

Oh, well, this is a good a place as any.

Yeah.

What are they gabbing about?

The show getting renewed, probably.

Come on, baby,

glow for me.

Are you ready?

On three,

one,

two,

three. (GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(SCREAMS) Oh shit.

Seamus? You gobshite.

(LAUGHING)

Just- Just sit down, shut the fuck up.

(LAUGHS) Fine.

(MATT AND KEITH SHOUTING)

I'll lob you in two and be back home to ride me Ma before tea.

What would you say that is?

That's no bird.

Plot feckin' twist.

(APPLAUSE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh hey, Pubba. Good man.

Right, let the inaugural meeting

of the committee to bring aliens to Drumban

commence.

(LOW DRONING)

(CHITTER)

? I'm alive!

? And I see things mighty clear today

? I'm alive!

? I'm alive!

? And I'm breathin' clean fresh air today,

? I'm alive!

? Yes I...

? And I'm real!

? I can taste and touch and see and feel

? I'm alive

? I'm alive!

? And I'm doin' my thing and singin' my song,

? I'm alive!

? Oh yeah, hey! ?

(SONG FADES)

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