Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(PHONE CHIMES) No.

BRAD: 'Wendy? What is that?' ASTRID: 'Hey!'

Brad? Christ. (PHONE CHIMING)

Good morning. 'Well, it may be there

but it's not morning here and it's not good.'

'Are we looking at her ear?

We have a bit of a problem, Wendy.'

Josh is here. Hey, man. Hiya, mate.

There they are! (LAUGHS) I trust the wrap party went well?

Yeah, fun. Lots of it. Er, looks like we woke you, Wendy.

Astrid in Amsterdam? I thought you were on, um, maternity leave?

Well, yeah, I'm supposed to be. That's a cute fuckin' baby.

So I wanted to jump on as we were concerned

about a copyright issue regarding I Am Celt

that came via our London office.

So, Derek will catch you up.

Hiya, mate! Nice to see you!

Is it? Well, turns out

we don't actually own the rights... (BABY CRYING)

...to the book. But, well...

I mean, the writer of the show wrote the book

so... Not according to Publishing House.

Book author has a different name, and we don't have

an authorised signatory for our contracts.

(DEEP EXHALE)

So, er, every day we don't have

official signature is a risk.

And obviously, I Am Celt will never make it

to the big screen until we get it, yeah.

(WHISPERS) Why am I here? Well, this is my hotel room.

So, it goes without saying, although I'll say it,

we need the official sign-off from the rights holder ASAP

as possible. Yeah, I'll get right on that,

I'm sure it's just an oversight or something.

Maybe ask the author about some of the...

historical inaccuracies we're seeing in the early cuts.

- What? - Er, we're the studio that made Tall Napoleon.

You guys all read the source material. Isn't it all in the book?

No. No.

But if I were you, I'd have a little tete-a-tete with the screenwriter,

since it was you who did the deal on the book in the first place.

Yeah. (PHONE CHIMES)

Great to see you, Wendy! - Hey! Hey Carl! - Hey Carl!

(EXCITABLE GREETINGS) Oh, Carl from Catering's here!

OK, well, I'd better track down that writer.

(OVERLAPPING, CHEERFUL GOODBYES) Absolutely. Thanks, guys.

(SIGHS)

Why am I in your room?

Was exactly the question I asked as you poured yourself into my bed,

but alas, you weren't awake long enough to answer it.

Worry not, Wendy darling. Nothing happened.

I've just been sitting here listening to you snore,

like a pretty little pig.

I don't think dairy is your friend.

Why is the book not registered in your name, Jack?

Macchiato?

I'm presuming it's a mix-up?

Do you know what your lanky friend, Napoleon, said about history?

Why am I in your room? No, no.

He said that, "History

is a set of lies agreed upon." Isn't that clever?

(SLURPS DRINK) You assured me

that your manuscript underwent standard academic sourcing,

and now my colleagues are... Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

I would love to tell you which words are gospel

and which are embellishment.

Sadly I just don't know. Well, why don't you know?

You wrote the fucking book. Well... (SCOFFS)

And I think you'll find this funny.

Please tell me you wrote the book.

Get the fuck out of your room.

? THE BONK: Future 87 ?

? It all happened

? By accident

? Bodies without names intersecting planes

? Of their strange vector veins

? Europe is

? Incontinent

? But Philip's still alive... ?

Wendy? I'm well-acquainted with the actual author, of course.

Your name is on the fucking cover.

Wendy? Wendy?!

Our night may have ended tamely, but we shared a cuddle

on the dancefloor that would've made Beelzebub blush.

Where the hell is the author, Jack? We need their signature.

In the beautiful industrial city of Birmingham!

We could visit? Oh...

Get your passport, dipshit.

I'll catch you later, so!

WOMAN: Good morning, sir.

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

Miss! Miss, Brendan's about to show hole.

Would you put that toga down, Brendan?

Right, look, let's summarise.

Men of Rome, what say ye?

We Romans hate you Celtic hordes!

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

But what are your specific objections to the Celts,

based on a millennium of conflicts?

The Celts are accused on three counts: you drink too much...

(CHEERING)

...you sing too much... (LAUGHTER)

...and you allow women far too much power.

(JEERING) You little bastard.

You can't say... Alright, alright.

Calm down before I have to roll over you.

(LAUGHTER)

So, you're telling me that any

male roman citizen could accuse someone of a crime

and then prosecute him or her? (CLASSMATES MURMUR)

That's right. And all I have to say is,

she's my wife and she cheated on me and she stole my chariot.

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

The power women once had

is a fair contrast to today though.

In birth, death and love.

Women had more sexual freedom

in ancient Celtic society.

It was a polygamous and polyandrous culture...

...meaning both men and women

could have multiple spouses.

Love gave way to life and death back then,

so the idea of betrayal was an alien one.

And if you did feel shame,

at least you wouldn't live long enough to die from it.

(OLD WESTERN-STYLE GUNSHOT)

It was a good time for men. They just need to remember that.

Seamie, come quick.

I think Mammy might be dead.

(CLOCK CHIMES)

What are you gonna do, Doctor?

Er, there's not a whole lot I can do, Barry.

Er, when did you last speak to her?

Well, I was at a sustainable farming conference in Thurles Monday

and stayed the night. She waved me off.

(CLEARS THROAT TEARFULLY)

Before I left, I really started to think

that her breath was very faint.

It was like one of those hairdryers with the wrong plug.

It was like...

(PROLONGED, WEAK EXHALE)

Sounds like maybe she hasn't really been breathing then for...

four days? I mean she's holding Sunday's paper.

Well, when I got home, I was worried that she'd

get mad at me for disturbing her for no reason, you know.

You thought she'd be annoyed at you after she was already dead?

Ah, she could be testy in the mornings.

Doctor, is there any... protocol?

Er...

Er...

By the power vested in me,

I now pronounce your mother dead.

My God, Mammy.

(CRYING)

Can I hug her now?

You can, Barry.

Dad, you've got your big meeting tomorrow.

Are you sure the health board will be cool with you doing this?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's all good.

They're just ticking boxes and whatnot.

Ah. Sorry for your loss, Barry.

Cheers, Sonny.

She was a remarkable woman.

Incredibly strict.

Did she have any final words?

Oh, let me think.

We were watching the weather forecast, she loved that.

The changing seasons.

And she thought the meteorologist's dress was way too tight.

Right. Fashionable to the end. Aye.

"A slut for the rain", she said.

And then Mammy just kind of...

drifted off.

You're up early. (BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY)

(SIGHS) It feels like it's been a minute.

What? Didn't we do it last...

...month?

That's a lot more than a minute.

(CHUCKLES)

Seamie, sweetheart, it's lovely and all.

Mm-hm. (KISSING)

But I just woke up, I'm dying for a whizz.

Can you...?

Of course.

Can't compete with a full bladder.

? MARCEL AMONT: Tout Doux Tout Doucement ?

(DOOR OPENS)

So let me get this straight.

You didn't write the book,

and you're not a historian. No.

But have you heard me sing Brown Eyed Girl?

This cover gives the impression that it was authored by an academic.

Well, no lie told, the author is a doctor.

So he is a doctor? Well,

she... is a dentist.

Sorry. The author of the book is a dentist from Birmingham?

Dr Fatima Balakrishnan is a master of root canals and the Bronze Age.

I was wondering why the script got so different from the book!

I might've missed that.

I've had a lot on my mind.

Wendy, darling, worry not. I may have sprinkled the odd fantasy

to bring the past to life for the viewer,

but your television programme will be much the better for it.

What are your primary sources? Ah! Writers have different sources.

We're... We're sponges of the soul, you know?

From which bath did you squeeze out the stuff

about the Goddess Brigid fucking her son?

I believe I heard that theory on a historical podcast.

A podcast?

What is it called?

Toilet Break History with Gabbie the Greek and Johnny What-What.

Professors, are they? Gabbie the Greek and Johnny fuckin' Who-Who?

Johnny What-What! Have some respect, the man used to be deaf.

Jules, step on it. I gotta get the fuck out of here.

(IMITATES REVVING ENGINE)

? JOE DOLAN: Lady In Blue ? ? Will we ever meet again?

? Or is this just a one-night stand?

(PLAYING ON RADIO) ? But as I hold you in my arms

? I wish this night would never end

? Oh, my lady, lady blue... (MUSIC DISTORTS)

(WOMAN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

? And let me hold you like before...

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

? Oh, my lady, lady blue... ?

(PLANE ENGINE RUMBLES)

(WHISTLING SOFTLY)

What was the name of that programme used to be on?

Where they were all living on a spaceship for some reason?

Star Trek? No.

Battlestar Galactica? No.

Are we gonna get more clues or are we just guessing now?

Was one of them a cat maybe?

One of the astronauts was a cat? Yes.

Red Dwarf. (SNAPS FINGERS) The very one.

Good woman, Wendy.

Why, are they bringing it back or something, Jack?

Oh, I've no idea, Julian. No, I was trying to recall what it was

they called those stars in space

that expand far too quickly

and implode violently...

...and then diminish into nothing but a lonely rock

floating in a vast abyss.

And now I know!

Thanks to my good friend and bedfellow here.

Cos that's it, isn't it?

Now, the British Empire...

...a wee red dwarf.

(SNORTS) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(PA SYSTEM CHIMES) 'Flight ASB267

to Birmingham is now open for boarding at Gate 3A.'

Jules, can you Google Maps to see

how long the journey is on the other end?

Oh, it shouldn't be longer than 20 minutes, depending on traffic.

You've been to the author's house?

Yes. (LAUGHS)

Seeing as I lived there.

You lived with the author? When?

Well...

er, primarily...

when we were married.

We're going to see your ex-wife?!

And I would've told her we were coming, I promise.

But I'm yet to be convinced by the need for a mobile telephone.

Fucking kill me now, Baby Jesus.

Not a happy little bear.

Why was it... that he was a cat?

God knows.

TV is full of stupids.

(DOOR OPENS)

Is this the room for bold boys?

(CHUCKLES)

Dr Seamus Proctor, 3:00PM hearing?

Aye. Ah, take a seat.

Sorry to keep you, just very busy out there in the practice.

Do you need tea or coffee or anything?

Er, tea please.

Um, mine's just a milky one.

What?

The refreshments are just behind you there,

I'm sure you can help yourself. Aye.

Aye, you know, I'm grand for tea.

I'm just glad to be here to clear all this up.

Clear this up? Clear what up?

Well, I'm not sure.

This is my first disciplinary hearing

in my 17 years of practising medicine, so...

Er, your father

was the local GP in Drumban prior, is that right?

He was, yeah. Oh, isn't that so nice?

Inheriting Daddy's practice.

I still went to medical school, - obviously. - OK.

It's not something you just hand down like a watch.

Yeah, where did you acquire that nice watch?

My father gave it to me. Er...

Oh. Look.

I am a very good doctor. Mm.

Did your father have many people calling the health board

about him having maybe gone a bit...

One sec now.

...cuckoo?

(SCOFFS) Who called saying that?

I thought this was just like a... a box ticking thing.

Sorry, no offence. It's, er...

Is it the fact that I've had some experience of alien abduction?

That certainly has no impact on my work.

Um, credibility? Mm.

(SCOFFS) And grandiose delusions.

Well, I'm not delusional, so stick that up your hole for a start.

Mm. Not up your hole.

Sorry, like, I should've said pipe, maybe.

Stick it up your pipe, is it?

P-I-P-E?

Surely when an employee discloses something as significant

as a historic abduction, you should believe him.

You're on temporary leave pending further investigation.

The employee is customarily given the final say,

but unfortunately, we're just out of time.

(SCOFFS) What, so that's it then?

You were late as well, do you remember?

(SIGHS)

I'm a good doctor.

I'm a very good doctor.

Mm-hm.

Fuckin' temporary leave?

I see she's painted the front door again.

(ROBOT WHIRS)

(ROBOT CHIMES) (CHUCKLES)

(ROBOT CHIMES) (LAUGHS)

(ROBOT CHIMES) (BOTH CHUCKLE)

How's Barry Battles doing?

Mm, OK.

I mean, he lost his mother so, you know.

Yep, gone like that.

Which is why we should take every opportunity to enjoy ourselves.

Carpe diem is it, Mam?

Well, I'd leave the Latin to the accountants and the clergymen,

but in Irish we'd say,

"Tapaigh an deis."

Take your chance.

Hard to argue with that. To Barry's mam.

And my first dead body.

Aww. Well, stick with medicine, Sonny.

It certainly won't be your last. (CHUCKLES)

Tapaigh an deis.

(CHUCKLES)

I really loved your book.

Oh, she may as well have moved into the library

when she was researching it, the big swot.

We are more than happy to offer you

the premium Guild rate. Oh!

I have the contract right here.

You can either sign it on my phone, run it by your lawyer.

Your call.

Just work with me here.

Is that figure in pounds or euro?

Pounds. Oooh!

And I'm curious as to how

you came about writing Am I Celt.

I've been obsessed with the Celts since I was Suri's age.

Probably why I fell for this idiot.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, I also had a motorcycle at the time.

And I still have my job at the paper.

The paper? I had a weekly football column

called "Whispering Wolves" in The Black Country Gazette.

So, you're a sports writer? Football?

Not the Celts, not even history.

(CHUCKLES) Well, not anymore.

I'm a screenwriter now, making history.

They fired Daddy because of stupid cancel culture.

Suri!

What did you do? Err...

I was filmed...

kicking a dachshund outside St Paul's Cathedral.

People went bananas. So, wait, you were

publicly shamed for kicking a dog?

It was accidental, obviously.

The "kick," I was just swinging my foot.

I thought it was autumnal leaves. Such a short dog.

CCTV is the devil.

Doctor...

(WHISPERS) Balakrishnan. Dr Balakashkin,

you have written a stunning account,

and we would like to share it.

In relation to the option agreement,

is there a magic number in your head that...

It's not just about the money for me, Miss Patterson.

Promises were made when I agreed Jack could put his name on my book.

Promises?

If your show makes it to the TV, where would we even watch it?

Oh, for...

(WHISPERING) Is this the flipping corner console again, Fatima?

More bloody corner console chat!

Well, how can an author whose book has been adapted for television

watch the show with her daughter? - Dad! - What?

We've been watching TV like this!

Like mice, it's insanity.

I can get a new TV stand Fatima. We don't need one.

That one's never been out of the box, despite being here for eight months.

- Until today. - Well, you could've rested it on the box.

Wait, are you saying if he builds this TV stand,

you'll sign the contract? No.

And increase this offer by 20%. Well, that...

25, because you're pretty.

Done.

Oh and-and-and I'm what? I'm building furniture?

Suri, you are one smart cookie.

Fatima, I am delighted to be in business with you.

You will hear from me very soon.

These are screenwriting hands. These are not assembling hands.

Start drilling, Jack.

I'll be waiting for you in the car, I promise.

What? Ah...

Get on with it. No, good, good.

No, I've been... I've been meaning to get around to it.

Can I just say, I have never met a samosa I didn't like.

Yeah, this is when we drive off.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(DRILL WHIRS)

May the Lord be kind to her, Barry.

Thanks, Rory. I'm sure he'll do his best.

Mrs Boner.

Ah.

Barry.

Decent turnout, Barry. She'd be delighted with these numbers.

She left instructions, of course. Hey, you know the way she'd be.

Um, she'll be well missed, Barry.

A more honest woman you would never meet.

Ah. Thanks, Pubba.

Yeah, she never saw the need for lies, did Mammy.

"Coward cushions," she used to call them.

Mm.

Is it just me or...

are her teeth particularly white?

I should bloody hope so. I was up half the night

scrubbing and polishing the gel off.

Off her teeth?

She left three simple requests.

Barry, listen carefully.

One, leave on my wedding ring

as it simply doesn't feel like you'll need it.

Harsh, but fair. Two,

bury me with that purse I got in Majorca. It's special to me.

Ladies do love their bags.

And three, please give me proper bleached teeth.

Bleached teeth? Proper bleached teeth,

she seemed very sure about that.

Now you got me worried I overdid it. Are they too white?

I dunno. Was she a fan of the Bee Gees?

Shut up, you dopey cunt. (LAUGHS SOFTLY)

(CRYING) Mam... Mammy used to call me that.

Ah. I'm sorry, Barry.

Ah, she looks grand. No, you're right. I went too far.

She looks like Simon feckin' Cowell.

Er...

Why don't you just, like... put her lips together a bit.

Aye. Close 'em.

Most removals these days don't include a smiling corpse.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)

Aye, that's better.

She was never big into smiles anyroad.

"Fake feathers," she used to call them.

You have her well turned out, Barry.

Fair play to you.

Very pale though, isn't she?

Might be the death.

Well, yes.

But when I think of Betty Battles, I always see that radiant glow

and all that rouge.

Rouge? Like blusher on her face?

Well, yes. Didn't she like the peach cheek?

A proper peach cheek.

Ah, she was well-known for it.

Give me proper peach cheeks.

Anyway, it's how I'll remember her.

Well, at least Saint Peter will see her coming.

Oh, aye. From through the clouds.

Ah, who are we to judge a fuckin' thing, eh?

I'll just give you a quick weird hug and I'll let you get on with it all.

Coolio, so Seamie. I'll see you later.

Alright, Barry.

? JOE DOLAN: Lady In Blue ? ? Who's that lady on her own?

? I wish that she would look my way

? She just stands there on her own

? A painted smile upon her face... ?

(DOGS BARKING) (SHELLY CHUCKLES)

Why did you sleep in his room?

Because they all look the fucking same!

What? The men or the rooms?

I'm glad I ran into you, and not just because of the weed.

Because this is my last day in Drumban.

Oh, really? You folk got all you need?

I think so.

We're gonna pick up some publicity shots in Oldgrange later,

then I'm off.

I can't even imagine leaving Drumban.

It's easier than you think.

You obviously never felt comfortable in Drumban.

I did actually, once.

So why has it taken you over 20 years to come back?

I don't know.

I guess I didn't wanna come back...

I don't know,

like some sad stowaway or something.

Damaged luggage returned. Right.

You wanted to come back with a show-in-tow like...

like Helen of Troy.

Yes, I actually fucking did.

I'm sorry but I wanted to come back like Helen of cunting Troy.

No need to apologise, not to me anyway.

I don't have to apologise

because I've done nothing wrong!

Apart from the whole wrong bed thing.

Besides the wrap party

and many other mistakes that I have made!

(PHONE RINGING, BUZZING) Oh, shit.

I think I'd better go, are you coming?

Nah, I'm gonna chill here with Colonel and Sanders

for a wee minute.

We can't all leave.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Fucking hell.

Holy shit.

Fuck the bed.

(CUTLERY CLINKING)

(STATIC NOISE CRACKLING)

Why is it moving around like that?

The drone technician says it's due to unanticipated weather conditions.

Really?

They didn't anticipate that winter in Ireland would be windy?

I...Well, I'm on the last flight out of here

and I don't plan on missing it, so I would love a hero shot

that didn't look like the POV of a drunken bird.

Copy that.

Are they with us?

No, we don't have any background today.

It's probably a hippie thing.

Apparently this place has a Stonehenge vibe,

proper old.

It'll be a big draw for the daydreamers and night dwellers.

Night dwellers?

Yeah, your ghost lovers, your goths, your alien chasers.

What the hell do the Celts have to do with aliens?

You tell me.

Chin up, please. Big Jim!

Do you have a minute?

Always for you, boss.

Where's your baby?

Oh, fuck!

I've left the baby in the car!

I'm only messing, the baby hasn't been born yet.

I'm just... rehearsing.

OK, listen, um...

I've been hearing that some press may have been given the news

about your wife's living arrangements,

which clearly is not ideal.

I may have spoken to a journo

about the prison thing. Who'd you tell?

It's a local gym magazine for priests who work out.

"Muscle Mass," it's called. (LAUGHS) James.

We're gonna need you to stop talking to journalists

for your own good. We've got a...

a whole strategy behind our publicity campaign.

But he said he'd leave out the sporking stuff if I just told him

some of the storyline. Just don't talk to anyone.

Coolio? Coolio.

RIP.

This show is your church now. OK?

That's a tough one for me, boss.

You see, I grew up an altar boy.

So you should know how to shut the fuck up.

Just messing with ya!

(CHUCKLES) Christ! Brutal and funny.

Your Irish is coming back.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Can I get you anything, Seamie? Nah.

She'll be missed. Betty was a tough woman,

but you knew where you were with her.

Aye.

It'll be a different town next week with the film crew gone.

Aye, back to normal.

I believe it's their last night, the film crew.

Down in Oldgrange apparently.

All of them.

Shelly? Could I have you a sec?

Is everything alright Barry? Is there enough sandwiches?

Everything is fine. Just, er...

would you mind switching the music?

Sure, can do. Any requests?

No, just anything but the Bee Gees.

Gotcha.

Hey, I would've been absolutely lost

without this fella the last while, Seamie.

Well, nice to see him make himself useful.

(SCOFFS)

(CAR BEEPS OPEN)

(COUGHS) Where you going, Seamie?

What, just to get some air?

And you need the car for that?

No.

I'm popping to Oldgrange. What are you fuckin' talking about?

Your friend's mother just died.

Barry won't even notice I'm gone.

I'll be back before the last pint's pulled.

Here, I've been meaning to ask you,

how did it go with the medical board?

(SCOFFS)

Great, aye.

They temporarily suspended my medical licence.

You're joking?

I hear Ibiza's very handsome this time of year.

Maybe your spaceship can fly us.

(CHUCKLES)

Catherine...

...are you embarrassed by me?

Well, do you want me to be honest? Why start now?

Excuse me?

(SIGHS)

Don't you think I feel a bit embarrassed

watching my wife of 20 years making eyes

with some sappy maths teacher every day?

Making eyes? Making more than eyes I'd say.

Seamus, do you think - I'm having an affair? - No.

I know for sure.

Since when?

Close enough to the start, I'd say.

Eh, you just smelled different.

And one day, I realised that it was...

cheap men's deodorant.

Why didn't you say anything?

I don't know.

It was awful.

Knowing.

But you seemed happy.

Which meant that you weren't moving heaven and earth

to make me miserable, like you usually are.

But it started to feel... like you wanted to get caught.

It feels a bit cruel.

Maybe I did.

I'm sorry.

(SCOFFS)

Do you want a divorce? Aye.

Look, I think it's important...

I'm sure we'll have further conversations, Catherine,

but I'm gonna have to stick a pin in it for now.

Well, what, because you have to go chasing aliens?

Better than chasing maths teachers.

Well, that's something we share, huh?

The thrill of the chase.

Fair play to you, Catherine. You never let the chair slow you down.

What a fucking thing to say.

For you to say.

What, chair jokes?

When you're the fucking reason I'm in it!

(DOOR SHUTS)

Catherine... Yeah right, on you go.

And do your fuckin' Mork and Mindy routine.

You know, just be careful - on the roads now. - Catherine.

I just hope you haven't been drinking this time.

You know I wasn't drunk that night.

All I know is that I was unconscious.

And the guard who you played fuckin' football with,

chose not to breathalyse you.

And when I woke up,

they gave me this.

That's what I know.

(CRYING)

So drive safe now.

(BIRDS CAWING)

? DONNIE & JOE EMERSON: Baby ?

? When we're out in the moonlight

? Looking up on the stars above

? Feels so good when I'm near you

? Holding hands and making love

? Ooh, ooh, baby

? Yes, oh, baby...

(SIGHS)

? Yes, oh, baby...

Sorry, shall I go? No, you're grand, finish your drink.

I just don't want any latecomers.

(SIGHS) Fuckin' wrecked.

And I have to bring up next week's Guinness kegs.

And nobody complimented my fuckin' sandwiches!

Happy to do some lifting. I ate six egg mayo alone.

Big strong legs on me.

I could fuckin' kiss yous both right now.

? Feels so good walking side by side

? Wanna be with you all my life

? Ooh, ooh, baby

Just four more to go and we're good!

? Baby ?

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Hey there.

Ah. Where are the TV people at?

Oh, the last of them left an hour ago.

Aye.

Ah, fuck it.

What are you folks doing?

Waiting. Ah.

Ah. What are you doing?

Well, on Monday I was a married and respected doctor.

I'm not sure what I'm doing now.

Right. Aye.

Thanks.

Alright.

("LOVE IS STRANGE" BY MICKY & SYLVIA PLAYING FAINTLY)

Well, a promise is a promise.

Sonny.

Tapaigh an deis.

Thanks for your help.

Er, he didn't do much.

Hm.

Hm.

Now...

you guys kiss.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, then who knows what might happen.

No intimacy.

Only contempt.

What?

? When you leave me

? Sweet kisses I miss ?

Incredible. (LAUGHS)

Jesus Christ, I didn't think I'd actually get yous to do it!

Wait, what? I thought I might get yous

to, like, hold hands or some shite, but that was wonderful, sweet Jesus.

(LAUGHING) Oh, you...

You minx! (LAUGHTER)

Oh, it was like Casablanca there for a minute.

(VOICES FADE)

(SONG DISTORTS, FADES)

Alright, Pubba. Aye, aye. I just got caught short.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure the druids won't mind.

Welcome, everybody!

Great turnout this year.

Bualadh bos.

Play well and we'll make contact. It's close!

Ready yourselves. And...

(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING) (OPERATIC SINGING)

(WIND SWIRLING)

(EERIE MUSIC)

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(INSTRUMENTS, SINGING STOP)

Better luck next year.

(DISAPPOINTED MURMURING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, this is me.

Nice to meet you.

? CARPENTERS: Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft ?

Safe home.

? In your mind you have capacities, you know

? To telepath messages through the vast unknown

? Please close your eyes and concentrate

? With every thought you think

? Upon the recitation

? We're about to sing

? Calling occupants of interplanetary craft

? Calling occupants

? Of interplanetary, most extraordinary craft...

What are we missing?

? Calling occupants of interplanetary craft

? Calling occupants

? Of interplanetary, most extraordinary craft

? Calling occupants

? Calling occupants

? Calling occupants

? Of interplanetary, anti-adversary craft

? We are your friends... ?

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