All language subtitles for Small Town Big Story s01e02 How Many People Does He Need.eng

The following programme
contains strong language.

I'm a valuable commodity.

I see a dude coming at me,
trying to kill me?

I tell myself, get killed!

Catch the ball!

Booya! Touchdown!

I make miracles happen, baby!

I've got an ant problem, Jerry.

Nobody's looking out
for Rod Tidwell.

And I'm supposed to be a superstar!

No, not today, love. No.

WOMAN: Crops have been destroyed
as far as the eye can see.

There is talk of a beast.
They whisper the name Dobhar-chu.

Do you believe it, An Dagda?

Oh, my God.
I liked her.

Ah, no, love. She's not well, love.

Down your daggers.
He is of Dagda and I am an Dagda.

All shorts. He's all shorts
and no Mescal, isn't he?

(PHONE RINGS)

Then she sit there
denying and denying,

and I feel a misty coldness

climbing up my back and the skin
on my skull begin to creep,

and I feel a clamp around my neck
and I cannot breathe air.

God bless you, Jerry.

But this is what you're gonna do
for me. Are you ready?

I hear a voice, a screaming voice,
and it were my voice.

This is a very personal,
very important thing.

Hell, it's a family motto.

And all at once I remembered
everything she'd done to me.

Here we go.

Show me the money.

Show me the money!

(BREATHES RAGGEDLY)

Phew.

? THE BONK: Future 87

? It all happened by accident

? Bodies without names

? Intersecting planes

? Of their stranger vector veins

? Europe is incontinent

? But Philip's still alive...

(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)

- Peasant girl number two. Wow.
- So, does that mean you're in the show?

No, Dad, it's just a callback.
So, what's that then?

You know what a callback is.
Don't play daft.

I'm not playing anything. What is
it, like, a second interview?

Yes. A call... back.

Sorry. Forgot I married
Helen fecking Mirren over here.

It's a small part
and I probably won't even get it. Is that kettle boiled?

I thought I heard it,
like, a while back.

(SIGHS) Were you nervous?

I'd split myself
doing something like that, you know.

(CHUCKLES) Gets it from me, obvs.

I was just doing lines from a play
that we're studying at school, so.

It was alright, actually.

Oh, Keith McCurdle was there, Dad.

He cried after his audition.

Like, a lot.
He's quite mad, honestly.

The maddest person to ever run
a petrol station, I'd say.

I suppose lots of girls
will get callbacks,

until they work out
what they really want.

Toast there, son,
if you care for such things.

Wait, who's getting a callback?
You can be my Oscar date.

Actually, no, that's weird.
Did you really though?

- Mm.
- Don't gloat, Joanne. You know what your brother's going through.

I dropped out of college, Mum.
I don't have cancer.

Wisht, would ya?
Fine, I'm taking a sabbatical.

No, cancer. You never say cancer
in a doctor's house.

That's like saying Hamlet
in a theatre.

It's Macbeth, you plank.

That's great, Jo. I didn't realise
it was the kind of TV show

that had orcs and shit in it.
Ha(!) It's only a callback.

Here, when did this come in?

Production can suck my nuts.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(EERIE MUSIC)

(PANICKED GASPS)

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

MAN: 'In terms of our
principal cast, where are we?

Are we happy? What's up?'
'More than happy, Brad.

We sent a basket of cheese
or whatever to Jemima Rowlands

and she's excited about playing
Bridget. She's bringing her cat.'

All right,
sorry I missed the morning meeting.

I think my gardener's stealing
from me, so I need to catch up.

Where are we at with the male lead?
Really close is what I'm hearing.

Has he signed contracts?
Pen has not been put to paper per se,

but he is deeply committed
in principle.

That's what he said a month ago.
And he meant it.

Olaf Frieburger
is a huge name right now.

I can't believe I got him.
Fuck is that? I didn't ask for that.

Son of a Danish film director,

theatre trained in London,
started chopping wood on TikTok,

two million followers,
made the Bond shortlist,

models for both Dior and M&Ms.

Wow, what a busy fucking bee.

I just hope he's not
using our offer as leverage

and we'll spend all of
pre-production chasing a shadow.

- He's the guy, Brad. Trust me.
- And what about all the personal shit?

Well,
he does have very many children.

Yeah, Google informs me
he has 14 fucking kids.

What is he, a seahorse?
Well, you know what that tells us?

What does that tell us?

Olaf Frieburger never pulls out.
(SCOFFS)

Was that a sex joke there, Wendy?

Yeah, it was, Brad.

Not bad. Pretty solid.

(QUIRKY UPBEAT MUSIC)

- You ready, Dad?
- Shit the fucking plants, there he is!

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Are you
- alright, Sonny? - Are you alright?

Better than ever,
as the saying goes.

Are we still doing
the pub for lunch? Aye. I have a committee thing, so.

I found porn mags in there one time.
What's in there now?

It's so nice to have you home,
son, reminding us of things.

(CHUCKLES)

We've completed option agreements
on most of the recurring cast

and we'll spend a few days
here in Drumban,

hoping we can save money
on some day players with local hire.

I did the town musical there once.
Yeah.

Jemima Rowlands has started
vocal coaching and accent work.

But what we really need now
is clarification

on who's playing the Dagda.
We know who's playing the Dagda.

Because it's a very important role -

not just narratively, but
- culturally. - No, yeah, I've read it.

And I know you have your heart set
on -Olaf Frieburger. My mind too.

But I suppose
what everybody's wondering is,

surely it's time
to walk away from the woodchopper.

He was out, he was in, he seems
likely to withdraw his commitment

the next time Skittles come calling.
Kelly -Carol.

Carol. Here's what we know:

Olaf Frieburger never pulls out.

Do you know how many kids he has?

We could revisit
the backup casting list.

What backup casting list?
We were instructed by your colleague at the studio,

he wanted us to have
a backup casting list

in case your primary
casting options fell through.

My colleague is such a...
clever clogs.

I'm so lucky to have him.
(BIRD CHIRPS)

(CLATTERING)
(SHRIEKS) Oh, here we go.

What is that?!
A fecking sparrow now.

Honestly, this town...

Every day with this shit!

Sorry about your stuff.
Oh, it's fine.

It's only a bag... my mother left me.

(TENSE MUSIC)

That's one of the local girls
who came in for background lines.

Any good?
(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Will you be wanting to photograph
everyone who auditioned?

Would that be weird?
Eh...

No. I mean, no. I just -
I actually liked her eyebrows.

I thought
maybe she knew of a good place.

I just colour mine in, at home.
Oh, I know. (PHONE BUZZES)

You finished with that pastry?

Hey, Wendy, it's Brad.
Talk to me, goose.

Listen, Olaf Frieburger's agent
just called. He's gone AWOL.

So, now we don't have a leading man.

What is that, chewing?

MAN: "With a production
this size comes responsibility.

Every effort must be made
to comfortably house

our valuable cast and crew.

We hope any temporary inconvenience
will be dwarfed

by the success we'll all share in
as the I Am Celt family."(SCOFFS)

"Yours sincerely, Wendy Patterson,
executive producer."

It's a big ask, no?

I mean, I want to help
the production in any way possible,

but my family are fairly fond
of living at home.

It's ridiculous, Seamie.

What other local dwellings
have been requested?

She only wants my house?
Well, that we know of.

Keith, has anyone else mentioned it
at the petrol station?

No.

I say fuck 'em, Seamie.

How did your audition go, Keith?

Well, it's impossible to know
what they're looking for.

Not talent, anyway.
Or passion.

I don't know, Seamie. If yours
is the only house they need -

I'm not aware
if it's on the official agenda,

but are we planning on discussing the
fact

that dead birds keep dropping
out of the feckin' sky, or what?

I mean, I'm not a holy man -
But not ideal, as signs go.

Well, the agenda
is actually fairly packed, Keith, as it's a lunch meeting.

I could squeeze dead birds
into Thursday night's agenda.

No, you're grand.
I'm sure it'll be fine.

I'll just... duck.

Why? Did you audition?

Of course not. Can you imagine?

I find selfies intrusive.

Bet you did, though?
No.

Drama and bloody history shite
does nothing for me.

I'm more of a song and a dance
kind of girl.

Well, I mean, that's plain as day.
Maybe if it was a screen musical.

Right, like Mamma Mia or something?
Oh, ay, yeah, that's more my jam.

Could I trouble you for some cutlery
for my soup and sandwich combo?

Are you with the film crew?
Guilty. Not that we're dodgy.

You need cutlery for your sandwich?

No, I meant cutlery for my soup.

So... a spoon.

That's the one. A spoon.

I think it's just
by your bowl there.

Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS)

Very swish. (LAUGHS)

It's like dining at the Ritz.
Oh, aye. The very same.

Then my work here is done. (LAUGHS)

Mamma mia.

? ABBA: Mamma Mia

Mmm.

Mmm!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Sorry. You're eating.
Of course you are.

I'll send you an email.
No, no, no, you're grand.

Just... enjoying a quick bite.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

What's up, Tony?

Just had a call from the TV people.

They're gonna be doing a site visit
of the school grounds this week -

a recce - so there might be
a few strange bods about.

Just FY your I.

No bother. Good to know.

I'll let you get back
to your eating.

(DOOR CLOSES)
(EXHALES SOFTLY)

(Is he gone?)
Aye.

"I'll let you get back
to your eating."

(CHUCKLES)
I think he was talking to you.

Why did you engage him
in conversation...

...with me down there doing that?

- Don't know, really.
- It would be very bad if we got caught, you know?

You get that, don't you, Catherine?
It's Mrs Proctor.

Says it on the door.

It was a joke.

You know, I've been thinking...

I might try to get a job
on the TV production.

- What?
- Yeah, they're always looking for runners and what have you.

Runner?

But you're desperately needed
in the surgery as my -Runner?

Maternity leave cover
receptionist...

- ...and top-notch colleague.
- Sandra's not gonna be pregnant forever.

The last five years
tell a different story.

Look, if you know the producer lady,
you could put a word in for me.

Who says I know the producer lady?

A little birdie.

Ah. Does that little birdie

happen to work behind the bar
at the White Ridge?

That committee made a pledge of
silence. An omerta, if you will.

She called the surgery
looking for you. You were busy.

Who, Wendy?
Mm.

When? Why didn't you tell me?
Look, she's called a few times.

I forgot to tell you
because I'm a terrible receptionist

and you should hire a temp
until Sandra's back.

Or you could just master
our beloved Post-it system.

Can't believe the committee
from the White Ridge made an actual pledge of silence.

(SIGHS)
(HORN TOOTS)

There were candles. It was nice.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

I always struggle
to control the bleeding.

I know it's because
I don't leave it to dry long enough,

but surely life's too short.

Welcome back!

Your father's dying to see you.

I've been here a week.
I've called over a few times.

Oh. I'm sorry, darling.

We've been away golfing
with the couples.

Golfing with the couples?
Mm.

New course by the sea.
The reverend's there now.

I'm away to meet him in a minute.

You could join if you like.

I'm needed here, actually.
Oh, yeah, the TV thing.

It's been quite a few years.

We've Zoomed.

Golf with the couples by the sea?

Well,
since he retired from the church,

we'd be up there three weeks
in the month, I'd say.

It's nice to have a different vista
now and then.

How's he doing?

His short game needs work.

Well, I'd like some proper time with
the two of you while I'm in Drumban, to talk.

Of course.
I'm sorry I'm rushing now, darling.

It's Meredith Mount's 70th and...

...we're doing back nine bubbles.

We'd love to have you over
for dinner next week... of course.

OK.

(TENSE MUSIC)

So glad I caught you.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

What's your greatest fear?

Er... spiders.

Or heights.

If I was up a ladder
and I saw a spider, well...

I wouldn't like it one bit.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

When were you last up a ladder?

What's your greatest fear?

Losing the ability to walk.

Well, you conquered that one.

We did it together.

So, I suppose...

that makes you fearless now.

I suppose I am.

Mind if I hit the light?

I'm shagged out today.

Aye, go for it.

Pretty sure even I can find my way
to the bed in the dark,

given I'm already sitting on it.
(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(COUGHS)

Are you alright there?

Did you... happen to move the bed?

'Night, Seamie.

? MARCEL AMONT:
Tout Doux, Tout Doucement

(HORN BLARES)

MAN: (GRUNTS AND VOCALISES)
Who do you want to be next?

Whether you want to be
a grizzly bear or a yoga bear,

there's a fitness - or wellness -
programme just for you

at Big Jim's Gyms.

So, roll in on your way home
from the office...

...and we'll sort you right out.

But here's the big news.
BRAD: What, you ordered a rewrite?

What? No. Olaf Frieburger
is back in the saddle.

I thought he pulled out.
No.

Just had a little
mental health moment

after receiving some undesirable
paternity results,

but his agent tells me
that's not uncommon.

That's great news.
Nice save, Wendy, nice save.

Maybe you should take him out when
he gets there. Game of golf, maybe.

Golf?

Yeah... that's an idea.

Wendy, did Carol from casting
happen to m-

Happen to mention
that you have a backup casting list,

in case my pick doesn't work out?
She did, Brad, as it happens.

(HORSE NEIGHING ON RECORDING)

The background...
um... backup option

just shows an abundance of caution,
which I think is smart.

Don't you agree, Mr Donald?
(HORSE NICKERS)

Uh...(HORSE NEIGHS)..I think we
ought to keep the process going

until we're absolutely sure that
- we have Frieburger signed on. - OK.

Well, here's what we know
about Olaf Frie-(WOMAN GIGGLES)

Um, I seem to be having issues
with my Wi-Fi. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hello?

OK,
so, before the technical issues...

He's not gonna pull out, Brad, but
fine, we'll keep whatever you want.

- Fine. Bye!
- No, no, wait. - Super busy.

? MARCEL AMONT:
Tout Doux, Tout Doucement

(SIGHS)

? Et depuis ce temps

? Nous chantons souvent... ?

WOMAN: (DISTANT)
You can't run from history.

MAN: (DISTANT) But I can hide.
Yes, you may hide.

(MOUTHS)
Before us stand two warriors who cannot -

Sorry, lads, could you
scootch down a bit? Thanks.

WOMAN: ..anything since
they were attacked by those birds.

MAN: And we'll get at 'em!

(YELLS INCOHERENTLY)

(GRUNTS WILDLY)

(SHUTTER CLICKS) Get plenty of shots
of the road, Jules.

Great parking space
for production vehicles.

(SHUTTER CLICKS)
When will I get to read the scripts?

They're releasing pages
on a need-to-know basis.

All you need to know is how many
camera trucks fit at the location.

It just doesn't feel like something
you get thanked for at the BAFTAs.

Oh, believe me,
as an event it is overrated.

Well, I'd rather believe it
with my own - Argh!

Gargh! Flipping heck!

Gargh, shitcakes, me... (GROANS)

- Why'd you do that?
- Why'd I do what, Glenda? Why did I fall into a hole?

Is that what you're really asking?
Why did I fall into a fecking hole?

You're being very lippy for someone
who just fell into a hole.

I'll see you in the Volvo.

SEAMUS: 'Where did you fall?'
'On my ankle.'

Oh, fuck!
- Aye. - Arh!

Oof. Oh, I didn't realise
you were gonna twist the bastard.

Alright, wiggle your toes for me.

How's it looking?

Which foot was it again?
What?

Um...

There's no massive damage done,

but you might have a tiny little
fracture in your fourth metatarsal.

What, like David Beckham?
Sure.

Nothing a couple of weeks
off your feet won't help, OK?

I bet my boss is gonna love that(!)
Aye.

And what is it you're doing with the
- TV show, Jules? - I'm with locations.

Put some weight on there.

You decide where they
film the scenes and whatnot?

Well, my boss does.
I'm more the fella you call

when one of our camera trucks is
- blocking your driveway. - Ah, right.

Put some weight on it.
Argh!

Back up.
(GROANS AND WINCES) OK.

Let's have a look.

We'll get your sock on,
but leave your boot off for the day.

Well,
I've got a lot of Crocs at home.

Cool.

So, the producers, do they usually
hang around for the whole shoot?

Well, I guess it depends what kind
of producing role they have.

Well, what if their role
was a handsome woman around my age?

Oh, that sounds like
Wendy Patterson.

But she'd be a lot
younger than yo-o-u... (CRIES OUT)

(GROANS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Entrez-vous.

(GROANS)
Ah, there she is, my own little Debbie McGee.

Please stop calling me that.

I know you! I'm the spoon man.

- Do you know the egg man?
- Oh, yeah, from the pub. I remember you.

It's a nice bar. Does your...
girlfriend like working there?

Well, it's her family pub, so it's
more like indentured servitude.

Um... Shelly's just a friend, actually.

Oh, her name's Shelly?
That's my auntie's name!

(PHONE RINGS)
I'll... let her know that.

(SIGHS HAPPILY)

Is that the phone ringing, Debbie?

(RINGING CONTINUES)

I used to love a bit of magic.
(LAUGHS)

So, all being well, Wendy might be
leaving town next week, you reckon?

Ah, I see...

Ha ha.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Get out of it.
An old friend.

Oof! (WINCES)

Wendy's here for the long haul, doc.

So... you've plenty of time
to... catch up.

Great.

(SOFTLY) Great.

? THE FRATELLIS:
Yes Sir, I Can Boogie

? Darling

? Your eyes are heavy
with frustration...

(GASPS SOFTLY)

? It makes me wonder

? If I'm the one you've waited for

? And, baby...

(GASPS SOFTLY)

? Though I am shy by reputation

? Ask all your friends - ?

(DOOR SLAMS)
It's like a maze in here.

Like a maze in a hospital.

Sorry, are you lost?

Ah, Miss Patterson. There you are.

Hi. I'm Wendy. I'm with the TV show.

Apologies.
I was showing your team the canteen.

Yeah, such a useful facility. Shame
it's only available on the weekends.

(CHUCKLES) Yes.
There are definitely sections

of the car park we can utilise,
- - Wendy. - How are you? Jules.

- Location scout.
- Hey. Catherine. Schoolteacher.(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I've actually been meaning
to cycle more myself anyway.

How long have you... uh...

Been in the chair?

Er... ten years.

You?

A lot less.
Right.

Don't leave them seats.
TONY: Oh, God.

Pleasure to meet you. I'm Matt.

I'm a really big fan of television.

Cool. Well, I make television.

Good one, Wendy.
Uh, Matt is our maths teacher.

Wish I had your job, though.
Lucky you.

Coming from here, doing all that.

But if you had anything to do with
the Game of Thrones finale

off with your head! (LAUGHS)
Ughh!

(POLITE LAUGHTER)

I hope I Am Celt
has White Walkers in it.

It's a historical drama, Matt.

Well, inspired by history.

Oh, right. (CHUCKLES)
Sorry, what does that actually mean?

You're the history teacher, right?

Yes.

Absolutely my favourite subject
in school. Loved it.

All those wars?

I'd love to see your classroom.

Right.

So, your show.

It's about Celts, is it?

I left Ireland before high school.

Secondary school.

But my father thought this place was
all ruffians and lunatics, of course.

And we thought you lot in Belcoo
were just snobby.

And, actually, observant about us.
(LAUGHS)

So, you're a long time gone then?

I used to come back a lot more.

But itchy feet and, you know, life.

After the divorce, my mom sent me
back every chance she got,

but I'm not sure if that was for her
- or for me, you know? - I do, aye.

And now you're back to tell the
story of your people to the world.

I have to tell you,
I'm a bit of a Celtic history nut.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. I mean, I'm just so glad it's being told by a woman

because there's layers of feminism
within the Celtic culture

that the world could really learn
from -Yeah, yeah, could be fun.

Shaping this story into something

that someone would put their phone
down to watch is such a slog.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Are you ready, Mum? Been waiting in the car an hour.

Come in, Joanne.

Come in and meet the producer
of I Am Celt.

Oh, hi.
This is my youngest Joanne.

Yeah, she's working on her patience.

Sorry.

It's just I...I have lines to learn,
so, yeah, eager.

I heard you did a hugely
impressive audition.

No way?!
Mum!

I studied The Crucible in school too.

Gave me a lifelong love
of shows featuring witches.

The clothes, spells... We didn't
even know she was going to audition.

Well... (WATCH BEEPS)
...I'm glad she did.

Oh, that is me late.

I have a date
with an interactive spin class.

Same.

Say hi to your dad for me.

Were you friends with my dad?

Kinda. We did a little
travelling together.

It was so nice to meet you,
Catherine.

Mrs Proctor, I mean.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

- I'll see you soon, Joanne.
- Bye.

(TENSE MUSIC)

? JOE DOLAN:
You're Such A Good Looking Woman

? When God created a woman for me...

Well?

Morning batch is in the fridge.

Stop eating it with your fingers.
We're getting complaints.

That's what Gordon Ramsay does.
He doesn't supply gyms.

How'd your audition go, Jimmy?
Shite.

I got recognised though.
- Did you, Jimmy? - Mm.

Maybe you should start charging
for autographs.

I could give you a free gym
membership. All you've to do is ask.

Can I exchange it for rent?
He's trying his best.

It's not that I don't love you all
living with me - still -

but promises were made.

Come on, Mammy. Jenny's
carrying my baby, we're family.

And once I've paid off the IVF and
the legal fees for the court cases,

I'll be out of your hair.
Well then...

And once Big Jim's Jams hits the
shelves -That's the spirit, Jenny.

Once the nutritional wing
of the operation takes off,

then we'll be up and away
- to fame and fortune. - My hole.

I love you, Jimmy,

but that's exactly what you said
about your sleepwear range.

I still believe
Big Jim's Jimjams would work

in a different economic environment.
(SCOFFS)

Covid dampened people's spirits
for two-person pyjamas

and I think you know that, Mother.
(GRUNTS)

Yeah, she said to say hi.

So, uh,
where did you travel together?

Uh...

there was a bunch of us.
Where did we go that time?

Up north, I think, somewhere.
Didn't realise you two were so close.

Well, I'm a mystery, Catherine.
Wrapped in an enigma.

Dipped in cheese.
(CHUCKLES) She's very pretty.

Uses filler by the kilo, I'd say.

Look, she said that she really
liked my audition, so...

it's not even cheating if you
text her and say how brilliant I am.

(SCOFFS)
Shouldn't you be concentrating on your studies?

I'd really like for one
of you to get a real job.

He already has a real job -
with me in the surgery.

I'm with Mum on this one.
Dad...

Look, I'm sure if you're right
for the part, you'll get it.

I don't know what good
a text from me would do.

I don't even have her number.

It's written on a Post-it
on your desk.

(MELLOW JAZZ)

(JAZZ CONTINUES)

I hear you've met my girls.

And your son's applied
to be a runner.

Well, get used to weak tea.

What a lovely life you've built.

(SCOFFS)

Says the superstar TV producer.

It's all a lie, of course.

The young one's alright.

Is your plan really
to just never talk about

what happened when we were younger?

Well, I'm not much of a plan-maker,
- you know? - OK, how about this?

Why don't you run me through

what YOU think happened
the night of the millennium?

Ah, well, let me see.

The Queen and Tony Blair
sang Auld Lang Syne

in a big tent on the Thames.
I'm not going anywhere, Seamus,

so get out as many jokes as you want.

Right. We went into the woods.

Fireworks were going off
and we got a bit amorous.

This was over 20 years ago, Wendy.

Barely started medical school,
for God's sake.

We got a bit amorous...

Then I went for your tit

and that move proved contentious.

Seamie...

Something took us.

Something from above.

I don't know what it was,
why it took us and why it let us go.

But there you have it.

A night I'll never forget.

Cos of the spaceship,
that is, not your tit.

Do you remember the blue room?

(SINISTER MUSIC)

Like it was in my own house.

But the only thing
I recognised in it... was you.

(EERIE DISTORTED MUSIC)

(DISTORTED VOICE)

(DISTORTED VOICE)

(DISTORTED) # We had joy, we had fun

? We had seasons in the sun...
(ALPACA GRUNTS)

Well, this is new.

(ANIMAL SCREECHES)

Do you remember the alpaca?
(SCOFFS)

I remember it all, Wendy.

Well, this is great news.

(SIGHS)

This is great goddamn news!

I gotta tell you,
the first ten years after this shit,

I spent a lot of time
thinking I was literally insane.

Lived in Dubai for most of that,
which did not help.

The next ten,
I thought the whole world was crazy.

So, obviously, I got into TV.

But the last few years,
I have been convinced

that the only one
who is fucked up is you!

(SCOFFS) You sound like my wife.

You tried to convince me
it didn't happen.

Your dad did most of the work.
You didn't back me up!

You made me sound like some crazy
girl who did too many jagerbombs.

Well, we had.
You didn't back me up, Seamie!

No.

No, I didn't.

My bad, as you'd say.

(MELLOW JAZZ RESUMES)

What the fuck happened to us?

Literally the maddest thing
that's ever happened to anyone ever.

I can't wait to talk about it. My
therapist is about to call the cops.

I have a lot of questions.
Everyone will.

Like, where do we even start?

People are gonna lose their shit.
This is gonna change everything.

Why would we tell anyone?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Well, because...

we have to.

Do we?

Why now?

Because now we know it's true.

It was always true.

Well, I fucking know that now!

So, what's changed?
You're admitting it!

Only to you, though.

Wendy, fuck... I'm the local doctor.

I mean, that's not something
they let you do

when you tell everyone
you take rides with little blue men

from time to time.

There were no little blue men.

Try telling them that, Wendy.

Mork and fucking Mindy.

That's what they'll call us...
in the real world.

This isn't LA.

Being abducted
isn't a cool new vibe.

In this village,
I'd be one social level

below the woman on the bridge
who throws cats in the water.

People are gonna find out.
Not from me, they won't.

And nobody in Drumban
knows a thing about it.

I'm in Drumban.

Yeah, but you're just the crazy lady
who came back from LA...

and thinks she's best friends
with ET.

Aye. Wendy, I'm so sorry.

But what good would the truth
do anybody now?

(SHRIEKS FURIOUSLY)

Wendy, what are you doing?

Ah, well done(!)

Oh, that's just, like, medicine
and medical instruments and stuff.

People will be sicker
because of that, what you just did.

Great. Soggy fucking bandages.

Ah, here they come.

Oh, my God, how many of them
are there?(HORN BLARES)

They'll be needing plenty of diesel.

And breakfast rolls.
(HORN BLARES)

That young one's
gonna get herself killed.

KEITH: What's she doing?
She'll be squashed flat.

Aye. Idiot.

WOMAN: This way, this way.
(HORN BLARES) Down here.

Yeah, keep it through,
keep moving through, please.

I don't know
what their actors are like,

but their trucks are doing
a good impression of an invasion.

(HORN BLARES)

Not sure if I should salute them
or... fire at them.

Time will tell.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

(HORN BLARES)

(PILLS RATTLE)

(QUIRKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

? I'm back, I'm back,
I'm back with a bang

? Mickey Boon,
the spirited king of mattress land ?

(PHONE BUZZES)

Yeah.
Oh, hey.

Wendy, it's Brad here in LA.It's
really late here, Brad. What's up?

Look, I just got off the phone
with Olaf Frieburger's attorney.

We play pickleball together.
Called in a favour.

So, Olaf is pulling out
of I Am Celt.

He's got a project set up
with Mattel for a live-action movie

of those M&M characters paired with
the Magic 8 Ball... or some shit.

He also admitted that Olaf
was using our offer

to get him a pay bump at the studio.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Where do you play pickleball?

Chasing Mr Frieburger has obviously
eaten up much of the casting period

and I'm told costumes
needs his character next week,

which is fucking soon.

Yeah. Yeah. That -

(SIGHS)
Yes, the week after this week.

Listen, I don't wanna impose any
actors on you -Nor can you, Brad,

per our agreement on this project.
I do have a shortlist.

No, Brad, we haven't even
discussed my other options yet.

Who do you want to be next?
What options?

Look, I know what you're gonna say,

but I kind of feel that Arnie Hammer
is due a comeback.

I'm sure he's open to offers.

Big Jim's your only man.

I have the guy.

Yeah? Who is he? Do I know him?

No. He's new. He's local.

Which makes sense,
given our timeframe.

He's... got a big...

big screen presence.

He's strong...
Strongly recommended...

strongly recommended by...

...um...

What... what's that, Brad?

I didn't say anything.

You had the casting picks on the last
two projects. This one's mine, OK?

(LAUGHS) I literally
didn't say anything, Wendy.

Yes, I fucking knew it.
You knew what?

Um... I knew that you'd be cool
about this, Brad,

and I wanna let you know that... I
appreciate you trusting my instincts.

Says a lot about a man.
Yeah, well, if you're sure.

Do I sound unsure?

Kinda.

I'll email the casting notice before
I go to sleep. You'll approve it?

I do CrossFit
with Arnie Hammer's orthodontist.

I could put in a call -Sign off
on the fucking thing, Brad. Please?

(SIGHS)

Look, we'll... we'll cast around him.

Thank you. Good night.

? SEU JORGE: Life On Mars

? Muitas vezes o coracao

? Nao consegue compreender

? O que a mente nao faz questao

? Nem tem forcas pra obedecer

? Quantos sonhos ja destrui

? E deixei escapar das maos

? Se o futuro assim permitir

? Nao pretendo viver em vao

? Meu amor nao estamos sos

? Tem um mundo a esperar por nos

? No infinito do ceu azul

? Pode ter vida em Marte

? Entao, vem ca me da a sua lingua

? Entao vem, eu quero abracar voce

? Seu poder vem do sol

? Minha medida

? Entao vem, vamos viver a vida

? Entao vem,
senao eu vou perder quem sou

? Vou querer me mudar

? Para uma life on Mars...

Yeah, yeah. We'll talk tomorrow.

Cool. Coolio. Talk then.

OK, bye now.

That was Carol from casting.
Well, what did she say, Jimmy?

That show I auditioned
for a small role in...

The Celty one?
I thought that was another big no.

They had someone cast to play the
god of fertility and agriculture.

That's quite a combo.

Olaf Frieburger pulled out.
That's a first.

Carol from casting thinks
the producer... sees something in me.

James, what does that mean?

It means...

...I got it, Mam!

Holy fuck! (LAUGHS)
Did you hear that?

Your clever daddy's
gonna be a movie star!(BOTH LAUGH)

Are you alright, Mam?

Jimmy, my television there

you're gonna be on it,

not selling cheap gyms or whatnot?

It's just a TV show, Mammy.

And you're gonna be
the fuckin' star of it!(LAUGHS)

- - I am Celt.
- Ooh! - Whoo!

I am Celt.
(LAUGHTER)

I am fucked.

? FONTAINES DC:
Boys In The Better Land

? Saying sister, sister,
how I missed ya, missed ya

? Let's go wrist to wrist
and take the skin off of my blister

? If you're a rock star,
porn star, superstar

? Doesn't matter what you are

? Get yourself a good car,
get out of here

? Yeah

? But the boys in the better land

? You're always talking 'bout
the boys in the better land

? The boys in the better land

? But the boys in the better land

? You're always talking about those
boys in the better land... ?

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