Original subtitles

SAM: 'When you own a five star hotel,

'you have to make hundreds of decisions a day,

'and hundreds of thousands of pounds are at stake.

'But that's nothing compared to the decision I'm facing right now,

'because this isn't about money.

'It's about my life.

'And it all started last week,

'with a kiss,

'something divorced people don't usually do.

'That's Juliet, by the way, just in case you were wondering.

'It's an odd feeling, trying to seduce your ex-wife.

'All that history,

'and sometimes you still feel like a teenager on their first date.'

Thank you. I was wondering if I could buy you dinner.

Sorry, tonight's a bit manic.

'Tonight, Claridge's, just the two of us.

I'd love to, but I've got a conference call about a wedding.

Fair enough.

Come on.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Room service.

'But, once things took off,

'it was like we'd never spent the previous five years apart.'

Well, I thought if you wouldn't come out for dinner,

then I'd bring dinner to you.

I don't know what to say.

Then don't say anything.

'It was all going so well.

'Then, last night, everything changed.

'Which is how I came to be standing here, outside Juliet's office.'

Sam? Sam?

There's a cab waiting for you outside.

They want to know if you're coming.

Now, there's a question.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

You're back. Evidently. Good day?

Six hours of the most boring health and safety lectures I've ever heard.

Learn anything? Don't leave sharp objects lying about,

or you might be sued. Very valuable advice.

What? You look good.

Sam, maybe we should, um...

talk about all the, er...

Kissing? Yeah.

Definitely.

I think it's a really good idea.

You don't think we should talk...

I mean, this is a... This is a very big step.

Shut up.

My laptop, you bastard!

"The maid gasped with pleasure as Marco made his final thrust.

"They lay in silence for a moment, spent,

"their naked bodies intertwined.

" 'My name,' said the maid, 'is Tara.'

" 'Pleased to meet you.' "

THEY LAUGH

What's going on?

I found this on the printer. It's a manuscript for an erotic novel.

Featuring the thinly-disguised staff of this very establishment. What?

It's really not very interesting.

I am Marco, the sexy Spanish barman.

I have just performed the love to Tara the maid.

I'm going to be ill.

Your character, Millie, has a hot scene with Stan, aka Sam.

Oh, yeah, that's more my thing.

Ooh!

Hi, guys.

Ben and I checked this sheikh in earlier

and he gave, like, a �50 tip to both of us. How wild is that?

Mel.

Oh, I know, I know, I shouldn't boast about tips,

I reckon he's got loads to go around.

Stop talking and adjust yourself.

God! That's so em...

Oh, I'm such a moron!

Oh, they must have been desperate at the Casparino when they hired her.

Yeah. Understatement. What about this novel, eh?

It's obviously written by somebody who works here.

Yeah, Melissa F Jodech.

It's a pseudonym. What about Juliet?

Nah, she's way too repressed to write something like this.

JULIET MOANS

Right, come on. We need to get to this meeting.

I take. I want to find out who this is.

Er, why?

Because she write about this Marco with a lot, a lot of passion.

I think she shine the torch for me, eh?

And she work in this hotel, so...

..she is going to feel the love of Gino, my friends.

We haven't done that in a while.

About five years.

Yup.

Sorry about your laptop.

SHE GASPS

FURNITURE SCRAPING

JULIET: Come in.

Er, well, we would, but the door's locked.

Sorry. Come in.

Evening, boss.

MUTTERED GREETINGS

Evening, sorry, we were just going through the accounts.

It's a bit weird having a morning meeting in the evening,

but I've been at a health and safety conference all day.

So, just a quick rundown. How's the singles evening?

Oh, Becky would prefer us not to call it a singles night,

it's a romance event. All her client list are totally top-notch.

All six-figure salaries and City jobs. Great.

Spend lots of money in the bar.

Actually, she introduced Tracey Jones to her new bloke.

Ah, the weather girl.

Forecast - happiness. The headlines wrote themselves, really.

And what else?

I do have a Clefs d'Or get-together tonight.

It's a meeting that's been cancelled three times,

so nobody should be bothering me. Of course.

I'd hate to interrupt the important business of you getting drunk

with your concierge chums.

It is actually a serious meeting. They're electing a new chairman.

They've had enough of you already, have they?

The position only lasts a year, Emily.

Why do they call it Clefs d'Or?

It's French for golden keys.

All concierges who are members have to wear them. Those are keys?

I thought they were tiny squashed up little men, like you.

LAUGHTER

What's this? Have a go at Tony day?

LAUGHTER

OK, so that's it.

So, thanks for getting me up to speed.

Have a good night, Tony. Thank you.

Oh, er, Juliet?

Somebody seems to have left a bra on the floor.

Just thought you might want to look into that.

DOOR CLOSES

So, um, we should, er...

Yeah. ..get back to, er... work.

Yeah, lots to do.

OK.

JAUNTY PIANO MELODY

Hi, I'm Juliet Miller. You must be Becky.

Pleasure to meet you. Wanted to see how you're getting on. Very well.

It's absolutely beautiful, thank you for what you've done.

Excuse me. Richard.

Hello, darling. Dashing as ever.

Oh, you have to say that, I'm paying you. No, I'm serious.

You'll break some hearts tonight. Mm-hm. There's your card.

She skis at Klosters every year and dines at The Ivy? Aha.

Well, tonight's the night, Becks.

Good luck.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

All that money, all those good looks

and he just can't find the right woman.

What's on the cards?

Sorry? What's on the cards?

Description - six or seven little clues

to help them find the person they have the most in common with.

So you've already matched them up?

Actually, that's the sneaky bit.

Everyone here has been very carefully chosen.

Similar age, background, salary, interests.

The cards are just an ice-breaker.

Amazing. My God, when I went to singles nights after my divorce,

it was name tags, dodgy punch and a grope in the taxi.

Whatever works, I guess!

Becky! You promised me some important people to schmooze.

Right, er, how about Graham Philpott,

one of the richest media magnates in England.

Owner of two broadsheets, a tabloid and three of the major glossies.

That's him. Fabulous.

You know, you really should come along.

I could introduce you to some highly eligible bachelors.

Oh, I think I'm fine, thanks.

The offer's there. Hello, good evening.

# Take me right back To the track, Jack. #

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Mike, how are you, mate, all right?

Yeah. You're looking good. Am I bollocks.

New baby's conducting an experiment in sleep deprivation.

I'd like to tell you it gets easier, but it's not true.

I'm still pleasantly surprised you're actually stood there.

Yes, I know, I've been very slack.

All in the past, mate, you're here now. Thanks, mate.

Hey, Tone. Ray.

Nice spread.

Thank you.

I heard a nasty rumour.

Oh, yeah? What was that? The caviar was paid for.

Yes, yes, it's true. The caviar is paid for.

Tony, it will not do.

The art of the concierge, mon frere, is to hustle,

to acquire the delicate and expensive things of life

for nothing.

Yes, well, it is paid for, but they paid me.

They want us to recommend it. The maestro.

See that? See that, Ray? So, dig in, take some home with you.

All right, chaps, actually,

we should get on with the business of electing our new chairman.

Grab your drinks and your cocks,

let's get over here and make it happen, shall we?

Now, obviously, you're not gonna find anyone as handsome or as...

Er, yes. Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen.

Tony, we've got a bit of a crisis downstairs. I wouldn't normally ask,

but the night concierge can't deal with it. What if he wasn't here?

I mean, he is off duty. And you are?

Er, Mike, I've got this. Two minutes, max, OK?

Thank you.

Oh, come on.

It's the same old, same old, hm?

This woman wants to send her breast milk back to New York.

Her baby's run out. OK.

But she doesn't want it thawing out on the flight.

She wants it to taste fresh from the nipple.

That means packing it in dry ice, which, for some reason,

she's convinced I should have lying around in the kitchen.

Where are we gonna find dry ice this time of night?

So, that's why you need me. Precisely.

Peter Harrison. Could I check in, please?

Of course you can, Peter. Let me just call up the details.

This evening's check-ins. Thanks.

I'm Mel, by the way.

So, are you here on business or pleasure?

Business. Mm, that's the worst.

Not that I've ever done it. Ben?

Look, I've had a long flight. Could we get on with this, please?

Sure.

Ben, there have been a few complaints about Mel

and, from all I've seen, I don't know,

I can't believe she worked at the Casparino. But she must have.

She's had references.

BLEEPING

BLEEPING INCREASES

Maybe I should give them a call? No, don't.

I mean, honestly, if you call the Casparino,

I think she'll be really offended. BLEEPING

Let her handle Mr Balls' check-in, later tonight.

But he's a nightmare! Even I struggle with him. Exactly.

I want to see how she copes.

I want to check in.

Yes, sir, of course.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

Gino, I know we've got extra help at the bar tonight,

but I'd still like you to do your job. Si.

I am a bad man.

Juliet?

Sorry, I...

It's me, Karen.

Oh, oh, my God!

I didn't... I didn't recognise you.

Well, I was four stone heavier, my hair was dark,

I had a different nose and no tits to speak of.

I didn't like to say, but...

You look amazing!

Well, I should bloody hope so, it cost a fortune!

So, what are you doing?

Well, I'm slaving away for Malcolm Ridley.

Wow! Mm.

God, cos last time, well, you were...

Well, we were both in a bad place then, weren't we?

But here we are now, looking for love.

Oh, actually, I'm the manager here.

Wow, that's brilliant!

What about men?

Um, it's complicated.

Yep, it always is.

SHE LAUGHS

Everything's going well in here? Hi, I'm Sam.

Oh, hi, I'm Karen, an old friend of Juliet's.

Really?

Mm, we met at a divorce support group

when she broke up from that idiot ex-husband.

Karen... We used to have such a great time

slagging off our useless men, didn't we?

Actually, this is my ex-husband, Sam.

Oh.

Um, let's go and get a drink, shall we?

WHISPERS: I think she likes me.

What are you reading?

"Ladies Today."

I swear you get gayer by the minute.

It's not for me.

It's Mel. She's not exactly what you think she is.

She's a man!

No, she's... She's a criminal! Please, stop guessing.

You know she says she worked at the Casparino?

Mm-hm. She lied.

She worked in a Travelodge.

Sweet Lord, have mercy. You haven't heard the worst of it.

She stood up for me, so I ended up lying for her.

I faked her references. Ben, you didn't!

Oh! She's a fraud.

And when Juliet finds out, I'm in trouble. Big trouble.

How's she gonna find out?

She wants her to check in Mr Balls this evening. Ouch.

How am I gonna bring her up to scratch in three hours?

Ben, calm down. We'll help. We will?

How?

All Mel needs is to be taught some refinement.

Have you never seen My Fair Lady?

We'll teach her everything she needs to know.

Now, I have a wine-tasting in the bar,

but when I'm finished, my friend,

I am your 'enry 'iggins.

Thank you, thank you so much.

James! Dry ice?

Oh, you genius.

Where'd you find that?

Let's just say tonight's production of The Phantom Of The Opera

is going to be a little less atmospheric than it usually is.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Mike. What are you playing at?

It just took a little longer than... Get up here. I'm on my way up now.

Top you up?

Oh, yes, thanks.

Emily, I've just had a call from the Nasdan Group.

They want to take our brand to Hawaii.

I wondered if you could check them out? Sure. Does it have to be now?

No, half an hour or so is fine.

Why? Are you looking for your soulmate?

Yeah, right, as if I have time.

The last date I went on, Michael Jackson was Black.

I find that very hard to believe.

It feels like that now anyway.

That's a shame, cos love is a wonderful thing.

Wise words. You should turn that into an '80s power ballad.

So, what's with the guy old enough to be your father?

Oh, Graham Philpott.

Billionaire, media baron.

Charm him, charm the many press outlets he owns.

Looks like you're doing too good a job.

Yeah, he does seem a bit keen.

Well, you can hardly blame him.

Yes, I am very attractive, aren't I?

From certain angles.

Hm.

Unbelievable! Flirting with other women right in front of you.

Emily's an employee. Why are you defending him?

Top her up.

Well, come on, fill her up, don't be shy.

Excuse me.

His endless get-rich schemes bankrupted you or had you forgotten?

He wasn't all bad.

What about when your mother was ill?

He was finishing a deal. If he could have got away, he would have.

She was dying

and, just like always, he wasn't by your side where he should have been.

Your words, sweetheart.

I'm only reminding you what you used to say.

I know, I was angry back then, but...

Well, things are different now.

We're thinking about getting back together.

Oh!

Oh, really? Um...

Oh, well, that's great.

Er, excuse me. Apparently, there's a wine-tasting competition.

You look like the sort of woman that could compensate for my ignorance.

Probably not. OK.

But I'd love to join you and feel equally ignorant.

Just remember, he broke your heart once before.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

LOCK BLEEPS

Can I help you, sir?

Eh...

I work here. Sure you've got the right room?

Yeah, yeah. It's not that. It's... LOCK BLEEPS

Did you say you work here?

I'm the concierge.

Yeah, yeah, maybe you can help me out.

It... Are you all right?

Yeah, course, I'm fine. What I need you to do

is lock the door, but from the outside, so that I can't get out.

Can you do that? I'm not actually allowed to do that.

Can it be done?

Well, yeah, anything can be done.

Do it.

And listen, right,

if I call, if I beg to be let out, just don't let me, OK?

Sir... Liam.

Liam, this is a five star hotel, it's not a prison.

Look, if you don't do this for me, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

All I'm asking is just... OK, fine.

If that's what you want, then we can do it.

Thanks.

LOCK BLEEPS, BUZZES

Jules, good news. The Nasdan Group want us to open in Hawaii.

They're flying me there tomorrow. That's amazing!

Not the best part. The best part is I asked for another ticket.

Oh, Sam, I don't know what to say.

Yes would be a good start.

I've been talking to Karen and thinking about old times.

Stop thinking about the past and start thinking about the future.

Think about sand and blue sea and very little clothing.

Is that a yes?

Let me think about it.

Yeah, OK. Whatever you want.

Your friend, Karen?

Oh, she's not my friend, she's Juliet's.

Fine. Frankly, I'm a little bit concerned about her.

Why? It's not what I expected from Malcolm Ridley's right-hand woman.

Malcolm Ridley? Yes, do you know him?

Yeah, he's an old friend of mine, but he's retired now.

Really?

THEY LAUGH

I must be seeing things! That looks like Tony Casemore.

Something I had to deal with. You know how it is.

Let's get cracking, shall we, ladies?

OK, this evening, we've got a long-list of eight.

The idea is pare that down to three

and then we'll meet them again as a group and decide.

Raymond.

First name, Thomas Pickles. Great CV.

He did work experience with you a few years back, Tony.

Tony?

Tommy Pickles?

Sorry, miles away.

I've just had a guest ask me to lock him into a room.

I'm actually worried what the hell he's doing.

Your problem is you don't know where your job ends and your life starts.

No, Mike, there's something off about this bloke.

I'm genuinely concerned. He might do himself some harm.

It's no good. I've got to go and talk to him.

I'll be ten minutes.

THEY GROAN

Liam?

THUD

LOCK BLEEPS

Oi.

Giving your neighbours a headache?

I don't care.

What are you on?

Not on. Off.

I'm going cold turkey.

I thought I'd spend the money

I'd normally spend on heroin on a posh room for the night.

That's why you wanted to be locked in?

Argh.

Have you got kids, Tony?

Yeah, two.

Me, too.

I have to do this for them.

HE STAMMERS

Can you stay?

Just keep me distracted?

Liam, I can't get involved.

I think you've got to do this yourself.

Yeah, I understand.

Argh!

Ahh, ahh.

HE GROANS

You're really gonna go through this tonight? Mm.

Course I'm gonna stay. We'll get you through it.

Thank you.

It's time you had a makeover. Ooh, never had a makeover before.

No kidding.

How long have you had the Ugly Betty braces in?

18 months. They'll have to go.

Guys, it's really nice of you,

but I do know how to make myself look good.

Er, then how do you explain these?

Um, the guy at the shop told me they're really fashionable.

He lied. Right, we need to press on.

We have some serious work to do.

What I hope to teach you is eloquence,

comportment and gracefulness.

Now, the man you will be checking in this evening

is called Mr Balls.

SHE SNIGGERS Yes, that's it.

Exactly the response we have to avoid,

especially when you find out his first name. What is it?

Dick. SHE LAUGHS

What are you doing?

Shh.

I'm gonna be cold. You want help, shut up.

We can't stitch it while you wear it.

You want needle up your backside?

No, not really, thanks.

Good evening, Mr Balls.

Call me Dick. SHE LAUGHS

This underwear. Are knickers like this as well? You want my knickers?

Please.

This man's a Harley Street orthodontist

who we introduce to all our richest guests. He owes us a favour.

Just say ahhhhh!

Argh!

OK, here we go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I look...

I'd no idea I could look like this.

Is it really me?

It's the new you.

I love it.

Except it feels a bit weird without any knickers. Sorry!

Perhaps I could set you up with one of the top editors at Conde Nast,

if that would be helpful? That would be incredible.

Thank you.

Well, if I do that for you, perhaps you could do something for me?

Yeah, sure, what?

Have dinner with me tonight.

That's a very generous offer, but I can't.

I'm already having dinner with him. Sam!

Yeah. This is Sam Franklin, owner of the hotel.

Oh, well, lucky old you.

Indeed. Because you're taking me out to dinner tonight,

which is why I can't go out with Graham.

Right. Well, actually, I think you're the lucky one.

She's a very expensive date.

You have no idea.

Thank you.

Shall we, um, get another drink?

Yes.

Karen, could I have a word?

Oh, about what? In private.

Sorry, I'm busy.

I'm afraid I need you to leave.

What? Karen, I know you're not who you said you were.

It'll be a lot easier if you just step away.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You lied, on your application.

You're not Malcolm Ridley's right-hand woman.

You're not a consultant, you're not a director,

you're a secretary.

That's not true.

It's not true.

I made some calls.

This event is exclusive and I won't have people lying.

SHE SOBS

She seemed so charming.

You can't have a relationship that starts with a lie, can you?

OK, here he comes. Here we go.

Just stay calm.

Good evening, Mr Balls.

I prefer Dick.

Dick.

Of course.

I require a room on the east side, street view.

A 45-degree angle to Piccadilly Circus,

to avoid glare from the billboards, otherwise I can't sleep a wink.

Right.

COMPUTER BLEEPS

According to our records, you actually requested a west-side room.

Well, I've changed my mind.

And I need my usual seat in the restaurant.

Which is where, exactly? Egyptian sheets, the ones I always have,

I need them, and an appointment with Gregory.

Gregory? The masseuse, the one I always... Good God, woman,

I have a simple list of requests. Have you not...?

This is so infuriating.

I'm so sorry, Dick, it's just I'm new.

Where did they get you from? A Travelodge?

KEYBOARD TAPPING

Come on! HE SHRIEKS

Time's ticking away, tick-tock, tick-tock.

OK, I've got your room and all other arrangements will be in place

by the time you get upstairs.

There, wasn't too hard, was it?

Good night, good night.

Good work. He's always trying to rile people,

so well done for rising above it.

Thank you.

You look fantastic, by the way.

By Jove, I think she's got it.

I'm going home. Mel! You were great. He saw straight through me, Ben.

What? I don't belong here.

I should quit.

See you in the morning!

Karen, you've already paid for your room, you don't have to leave.

That bitch humiliated me. I just want to go home.

Look...

..why don't you stay?

We'll have dinner. All I did was tell one small white lie

about how important my job was.

I mean, Richard didn't mind, so why the hell did it matter?

It shouldn't.

I've just been with too many men who were Romeo at the bar

and then the next morning turn into Che Guevara.

Running for the hills.

I just wanted to meet a nice, rich man who'd take care of me.

Finding somebody with money isn't necessarily gonna make you happy.

You should look for somebody who likes you for who you are.

You're not exactly in a position to lecture me, are you?

What do you mean?

Well, come on!

You dump Sam when he's broke,

and now he's got this hotel and loads of cash,

you're back together again.

That is not why we got back together.

Just leave me alone.

Is she all right?

Not really.

How did Becky find out Karen was lying?

No idea.

Actually, the truth... The answer's yes.

What?

Yes, I would like to come with you to Hawaii.

What were you gonna say?

Oh, it doesn't matter. Really? You'll come? Yeah.

I look at Karen and she's so desperate and lonely and...

And I'm right here.

You're right here.

HE WHIMPERS

Mate, you're fine, you're fine.

Just stay calm, eh?

So, Maria, Suzanne, how old are they?

Eight and four.

My ex won't let me see them unless I get clean.

I've tried before.

I've tried loads of times.

Well, you're doing really well, mate.

HE GROANS

Come on, mate, you're burning up. Let's take this off you.

OK? All right?

HE RETCHES

All right, that's it. Better out than in.

All right?

Yeah?

HE RETCHES

Excuse me, Emily.

Have you got some press releases I can give to Christianne?

I know there's a slot free in next month's issue.

Yes, I'll dig them out and come and find you.

Actually, I'm off shortly.

I haven't found the one.

Oh, well, come and get them now.

They're in the staff office over here.

Let me find you the latest copy.

Cancel your dinner tonight.

Oh, Graham. Cancel it.

And come with me to the South of France.

I have a jet, I have a villa.

It's a very tempting offer, but I can't.

What's it gonna take?

Everyone has their price.

Not me. Here they are.

A million pounds to sleep with me tonight.

Come on.

Just let me fiddle around for 20 minutes, I give you a million quid.

It's not such a bad deal, is it?

OK, get off me. Come on!

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

You've been flirting with me all night... Get off me!

SHE SHRIEKS

My hero.

Liam!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm not gonna make it.

I've been using for ten years. My body can't take it.

I'm gonna call an ambulance, all right? No, no, no. No way, no.

A doctor, then? No, I can't go to hospital.

It would go down on my record

and Social Services will stop me ever seeing my girls again.

I need a fix.

No. I'm not gonna make it any other way.

I just need enough, just to take the pain off, that's all.

Look, Liam, you can get through this, all right?

No, no, I thought I could, but I can't.

What do you want me to do?

You must have looked the other way for posh guests before.

Yeah, but I've never gone out and bought it for 'em!

Please, please do this for me.

Please!

Right, well, look, you text your dealer, tell him to meet me outside

and we'll get you the barest minimum

to get you through the night, all right? But that's it.

Thank you.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

So, tell me, just out of personal interest, you like books?

No. Maybe you like to read books.

No. Because you prefer to write?

I not write erotic book!

Right.

Not Tanya. I knew it!

Gino. Get me some ice, please. And boxing lessons.

I thought I was your hero.

Well, if your hero hurts himself trying to defend you,

there's not much point having one, is there?

WHISPERS: Miss Emily.

I know, but I not say. What?

It's OK, I'll keep it quiet.

But when you're ready, I'm ready as well.

I can show you Marco's stick of love.

How delightful.

Gino?

Ice?

Hey! Becky!

You really got me, didn't you?

Haha, very funny! I want my money back.

Karen, maybe we should... Oh, piss off, Sam!

I wanna talk to you.

My company is for executives. You don't fit in.

Why d'you have to be such a bloody bitch?

What is it? Because I'm not good enough

to fit into your special little club for rich people?

Let's get you upstairs, shall we? Come on.

I just wanted a chance.

You really liked me, Richard, didn't you?

We were getting on really well.

Can I get you anything? Go away. Only trying to help.

Have a laugh. Have a gloat at sad, stupid old Karen.

Come on, that's not fair.

Don't give me that. The only reason we were friends in the first place

was because you felt superior to fat old me.

Don't be silly.

Come on, let's get you to sleep.

Yeah, yeah, you two go somewhere nice and warm and cosy

and get loved up.

She was pregnant with your baby.

What?

After you separated.

She was having your baby.

I was with her when she got rid of it.

My God.

I was with her when she decided not to tell you.

Is that true?

Is that true?

Yes.

Why?

You always thought you were better than me.

DOOR CLOSES

Ohh.

Sam.

DOOR CLOSES

Sam. Why didn't you tell me?

You'd already left. You were in Vienna.

We weren't speaking. I thought it was the best...

You thought you'd make that decision all by yourself?

Not tell me you were getting rid of our child?

What if I had told you? What would you have done?

I would have come back. Sam, you weren't ready to be a father

or a husband! We were hundreds of thousands of pounds in debt!

We could have found a way. How?

You were never there!

You were never there.

We could have a son.

We could have a daughter.

Right now, you and I.

We could be a family.

I've found out who wrote the book.

It's not Miss Juliet, or Tanya.

It's Miss Emily.

The minx!

And she has said that she's interested.

Really? Bully for you.

But I'm surprised at her spelling.

She can't spell to save her pretty legs, so...

They're probably just typos.

And also, then the book is not sexy, it's just bad.

I mean, listen.

"Marco was in a state of 'desiray'."

Disarray!

And... "The raindrops outside were a 'coop de gratch'

"of pathetic 'fallicky' reflecting the 'ambulance'..."

Oh, for God's sake, it's 'a coup de grace of pathetic fallacy'

and it's 'ambiance'.

Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's badly written,

you... imbecile.

You? You!

The sexy, sexy waiter.

Any chance of keeping this a secret?

Filthy man.

You are a dirty man.

DISTANT SIREN WAILS

DOG BARKS

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Cheers.

SOFT PIANO MELODY

You sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

See you, Richard. Thank you for coming.

You know James write that book.

What? The dirty sex book.

All come from his filthy mind.

Eh, I know all along.

Vodka, please.

Now I get it.

Get what?

The reason you humiliated Karen.

It's cos of him, isn't it? You were jealous.

He keeps coming to these events.

And every time, I say, "Today's the day.

"I'm going to tell him."

And then he stands there in front of me and...

EMILY: # I die a little... #

For what it's worth, you should tell him.

You're not gonna report me? To who?

Oh, the press, my clients.

If anyone understands how complicated love is, it's me.

You don't often get a second chance.

You should go, do something about it, before it's too late.

None of this means I like you, by the way.

# ..be in the know

# Think so little... #

I know.

# ..me

# They allow you to go

# When you're near

# There's such an air

# Of spring about it

# I can hear a lark somewhere

# Begin to sing about it

# There's no love song finer

# But how strange the change

# From major to minor

# Every time we say goodbye. #

I didn't know you could sing.

I can't, I was lip-syncing.

THEY LAUGH

You want to join me?

Yeah.

LOCK BLEEPS

Your mate Dave sends his regards.

SHOUTING: Get down on the floor!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right!

Hands behind your back, face down!

We've been watching you and your friend, Mr Casemore.

You're under arrest for dealing heroin. I am not a drug dealer!

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

MIKE: Sometimes, you've just gotta say no, Tony.

Mike? THEY LAUGH

I believe you've met Liam, the new concierge at The Belmont?

And amateur actor.

This whole thing's a set-up?

We got bored of waiting after your boss dragged you out.

Decided to see how far you'd go for your job.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You complete and utter bastards!

So, was I good?

Are you serious? I'm gonna smash your face in!

LAUGHTER

I can't believe that. Feel my heart! Are you all right?

LAUGHTER

I can't believe it!

LAUGHTER

That is genius! Where'd you get these guns?

It is so tough, getting back together with an ex.

I mean, you have all this history and...

Mm. ..think you can pick up where you left off,

but you never can.

You've been there.

Oh, yeah, been there, bought the T-shirt,

had it mass-produced in a Bangladeshi sweatshop.

THEY LAUGH

But I am still single.

Yeah, what is it with that?

I mean, you are stunning.

You're great at your job,

you can sing.

I'm in a band.

Really? I'd like to hear that.

Yeah, you should come, provide security.

Beat up all my stalkers.

What are the hours?

Long.

But with a very good chance

of walking in on me in my dressing room.

I can't believe I've never noticed how beautiful you are.

What took you so long?

I'm drunk.

As am I.

I should go home.

That does seem an awful waste of hormones.

I'll see you tomorrow, Sam.

Night.

Night.

THEY MURMUR APPRECIATIVELY

Hey! Looking stylish.

Listen, I just wanna say thanks for everything...

..but I've definitely made up my mind. Mm.

I'm leaving.

I thought you might say that.

Which is why, er... Actually, maybe we should just show her.

Come on, come on, this way.

Morning. Morning.

Emily.

I'm sorry, I was a bit drunk last night.

I hope I didn't...

No, I had a good time. Good.

Good. Again, I... Look.

I know that you and Juliet is this big, complicated thing,

but, for the record,

I like loud concerts, good food and late nights.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

No pressure.

I just want you to know that I'm here.

Et voila!

Er, I don't understand.

Thank you very much. This is all for me?

You can't tell somebody how to be five star.

You have to experience it for yourself.

But I can't afford all this.

You don't have to.

What did I do to deserve this?

I don't belong in a five star hotel.

Hey, listen, I once made a flaming B52 for the Sheikh of Arabia

and set fire to his robes.

Up to five years ago, I was 20 stone.

I used to shoplift.

That's nothing. In Croatia, I shoplift,

I sell drugs. For short time, I make drugs.

You take a big vat... OK, that'll do.

You know, we all make mistakes, OK? It's all just part of the process.

The five star treatment begins here.

ALL: Cheers!

Oh, talking of mistakes, Melissa F Jodech?

It's an anagram of James Schofield.

Apparently, you're Gino's dream woman.

I didn't know you wrote porn.

So, tell me, do you write it one-handed or...

For your information,

I have a three-book deal

with Hot Body publishing.

Yes, not so funny now, is it?

And certainly not as funny as thinking you've been arrested.

In my defence, the uniforms were very convincing.

They were from a fancy dress shop.

These guys were carrying machine guns. They put in a lot of effort!

I hear you cry like a baby.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi.

Can't believe you still haven't found a place to live.

Have you come to lecture me about my living arrangements?

I should have told you.

It's a long time ago.

It was still wrong.

And I know I can't change it now, but...

..not a day goes by when I don't think about it.

And regret it.

And I'm so sorry.

Is that all?

No.

I also want to say that I love you.

And I always have done, Sam.

My bags are packed and they're sitting in the office.

And I would like to still go away with you,

if you'll have me.

Don't...

Don't say anything now.

Just think about it.

Just promise me that you'll think about it.

SAM: 'And this is where we came in.

'I'd made very few good decisions in my life.

'How the hell am I gonna make this one?

'On one hand, Juliet, with all that history and unfinished business.

'A leap of faith and I want to make it,

'but there's so much riding on it.

'Even if I can forgive her, if she comes with me, it's for keeps.

'But can we ever move on from our past?

'On the other hand, the future,

'the possibility of something new, uncomplicated,

'unburdened by the weight of what's gone before.

'Someone like Emily.'

Sam? There's a cab waiting for you outside.

They want to know if you're coming or not.

Now, there's a question.

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