Original subtitles

We've got 48 hours to make this place fit for a princess. Literally.

So, work your magic.

SAM: Even when we're preparing for a royal wedding,

we're always hiding something.

Thanks.

SAM: And no matter what we see... RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

Erm, perhaps the rear exit, Minister.

..rest assured, we'll keep it firmly under our hats.

My Italian readers will love these wedding pictures.

A European princess marrying her English love.

Perfect. Great.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, excuse me!

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me.

Gennaro Fazio.

Editor, Certo! magazine. Oh.

Juliet Miller.

General Manager.

Forgive me.

What's Certo! again? An Italian celeb rag.

This is how you make a deal.

Our royal couple won't pay us a penny for their wedding,

but in return we get the photo rights.

Which Certo! magazine will pay 250 grand for.

So, we're sorted.

Why are you looking like that?

I've just come off the phone from Lichtenstein.

The bride's run off with a Canadian equerry.

The wedding's cancelled.

SAM: That's the thing with brushing things under the carpet.

Sometimes, the carpet gets moved.

Shit...

What if we went ahead? With the wedding, I mean.

Er, I don't think that would be too cost-effective,

you know, without a bride, a groom, guests.

What if we had a bride, a groom and guests?

What do you mean, a bride and groom?

Well, you know, can we get someone to pretend to be the princess,

you know, and the fiance? SHE SCOFFS

You mean, fake the wedding? Mm-hm.

Erm, Sam, I'm waiting for the punch line.

No punch line.

Just our tax bill came in and it's a little larger than I expected.

Well, then, go to the bank like a normal person.

I tried. I'm mortgaged up to the eyeballs. And my credit rating's...

Well, you know what happened to my investments.

And I was really counting on this photo money.

Sam, it's fraud.

It's PR.

And Fazio had never even heard of the royal couple.

He just wanted a spread.

And, you know, maybe he wouldn't care even if it was fake.

Well, what happens when the real princess finds out?

Well, we just... We'll just change her name.

She's not Princess Sylvie,

she's Princess Marianne, a distant relative.

It's a hell of a risk. It's a calculated risk.

No, no, find some other way of making the money.

Look, Jules, didn't we agree to work together not so long ago?

I can't do this without you.

First things first. Mandy Warren is staying here for the next two days.

Shark Girl? Yes, Shark Girl to the papers.

Only 16, but an Olympic hopeful.

And she's here filming an ad for swimwear.

Now, I want her kept super happy.

So, everyone, in full boot-licking mode.

Spend a lot of money, does she?

We are getting a healthy slice of the ad fees,

so, anything she wants, she gets.

So, keep an eye on her, OK? Will do.

Now, James, you're aware of the new addition?

What's that? It's a government employment scheme

and James has a restaurant trainee for a couple of days.

Yes. And no doubt with an ASBO for every pimple.

Well, just do your best.

Now, as you're all aware, tomorrow's royal wedding has been cancelled.

I was looking forward to meeting the princess.

I had my hair cut and everything. You may still get the chance-ish.

Hm? Erm...

We're going ahead with it anyway.

The wedding. What do you mean?

Due to a small accounting error, we can't afford to lose the revenue.

A wedding with no bride or groom? Oh, there'll be a bride and groom.

They just won't be all that real.

We're going to fake it.

It's my fault. I kind of dropped us in it.

It's a big drop.

But the truth is, we need the money for a tax bill.

One that gets very big and very scary unless we pay it very quickly.

We made a deal with an Italian magazine for the photos.

All we do is dress up a bride and groom

for some wedding snaps that will only ever be seen in Italy,

and, er, Bob's your uncle. It won't work.

We'll make it work.

Celebrities fake relationships all the time

when they're flogging something. Exactly.

Surely we're not agreeing to this, Juliet?

The alternative is we bring in some investors,

sell off part of the hotel. Oh, no, no, no, no.

New management when we just start working like an oily machine?

No. I'm sure all your jobs will be safe.

Look, I think the idea is a bit bonkers,

but I don't want to lose my job.

So, you're the boss. If you say do it, I'm right behind you.

Well, in my humble opinion, this is madness.

What choice do we have? Thank you.

OK, the wedding is set for tomorrow. So, we've got plenty of time.

Gino, find some cheap fizz.

Emily, you can help with the costumes.

And, James, we need a budget banquet.

Oh...

We need expensive-looking on the outside, but cheap on the inside.

OK, well, that's it, everybody. OK?

James, what do you really think of this wedding fiasco?

Oh, well, at least it might distract me

from my day of hell with the machete-wielding Kenneth Bingham.

Oh, morning, squire.

You're my trainee?

Lovely little bistro you've got here, guv.

I bet there's no spam on the menu.

HE STIFLES A LAUGH

Ahem!

Hey, have you seen my parents?

I'm afraid not, madam. Is that that fish kid?

I think the correct form of address is Shark Girl.

Yeah, whatever. She swims faster than I can walk on land.

I've eaten so many chocolates today. Do you know where the gym is?

Just through here on the left. Thank you.

OK.

Your shape's good, but you're snatching those breaths.

Try to keep it smooth, OK? Five minutes, Mand.

Then we need to tighten those dropped elbows for the next take.

Everything satisfactory, madam? Alexis Warren, Mandy's mother.

We need some grass juice. Wheat and rye, no pampas.

And Mandy needs more towels. Of course.

Miss Warren, nice to meet you.

I wanted to say, if there's anything you need, please let me know.

Maybe a magazine and some DVDs. Sure. If you tell me which...

That's enough, darling. You need to stay focused.

Never mind. OK.

I didn't think we'd be planning a wedding together again.

We didn't plan anything. I planned it.

You were in Monaco buying racehorses.

Which later turned out to be dead. Still, it was a good party.

Er, we need to sort out a bride and groom so I can hire the outfits.

Emily knows some actors, doesn't she?

No. We can't risk this getting out.

We need to use people we know. Us.

No, not "us" us.

Us, the team.

Trust me, I'm sure I can convince them.

You know, I'm surprised you're backing me on this.

Not as surprised as I am.

Oh, my God! Kenneth, Kenneth... Kenneth, let me just...

Oh...!

What next, mon capitaine?

Oh, go and lay tables in the restaurant.

Do it sitting down if you must.

Out.

Well, that glue sniffing has taken its toll on your trainee.

How old did you say he was, 16, 17? Yes, very funny.

Is that my grass? Yes.

Your youngster a cow, is she? No, but her mother is.

Shark Girl herself is largely monosyllabic.

Ah, teenagers.

LOUD CRASH KENNETH: Blimey!

Ah, pensioners.

A European princess and the son of the 24th wealthiest man in Britain

are getting married in the coolest hotel in London.

Hm...

A pretend princess and her pretend lover

and a pretend wedding, you mean.

Yeah, all right, don't spoil my wedding buzz.

You two, such chemistry.

What a team.

Ben, a model of old-world elegance.

Emily, so regal, so graceful.

Like a princess.

You two would make a great royal couple.

HE CHUCKLES

Congratulations, Princess Marianne of Liechtenstein

and Mr Henry DeWitt. No! Yes!

Ben, it has to be you. I can't risk this getting out.

Look, Ben, just imagine it. It's your own special day.

Your bride, a vision in flowing white silk.

A string quartet playing music just for you.

And white roses as far as the eye can see.

And unicorns. And uni...

Look, I know you can do it. It's going to be easy.

We're just going to dress you up, take a few photos,

it'll be over in less than an hour. Uh-uh.

SHE GASPS Ben, I'm counting on you.

You're the only person I considered.

Well...

If I'm your first choice.

Fantastic.

You two are going to be great.

I'm getting married!

Fancy a part in the wedding?

Me? I need a best man.

I've never been asked to do that before.

Well, thank the vicar, tell a dirty joke and shag a bridesmaid.

Easy.

Hm...

Gino... Yeah?

I need a favour. What are you doing?

Like you said, cheap sparkling wine.

I bought it from a man with half a face in the car park.

It's cheaper than water. Is it drinkable?

Well, I usually use it for stains, but I think it's OK.

What's your favour? Oh, yeah.

I need a father of the bride.

Oh, I'm very flattered that you have come to me.

But the father of the bride,

I can't think of anyone suitable.

What, me?

Oh...

Well, I'm very moved. I'm not old enough, but I will do my best.

You can count on me. I know I can.

Sam, Emily's just taken a call from Fazio.

He's on his way with a photographer. Now? Today?

Look, I'll sort out the Olympia Suite.

And then we need to prep our princess and her beau

and tell everyone with a role to play to keep out of sight of Fazio.

OK, you get Ben. Meet me in Juliet's office in five minutes.

Miss! Miss! What is my role?

Gorgeous bridesmaid?

Sexy ring bearer?

Well, actually, everyone's really busy,

so I need you to man the front desk.

And find 100 wedding guests, people we can trust not to blab.

OK? Right.

Your glass of green gloop, miss. Thank you.

Oh!

Mandy, sit down. Raise your foot. You clumsy idiot!

I'm so sorry.

It's fine. It's not deep, thank God.

I'll phone the insurance people. Dad, you don't have to do that.

Well, get a first-aid kit! Yes. Yes.

GERMAN ACCENT: "I am Princess Marianne of Liechtenstein.

"And back home, I have five pet pigs who share my bed."

Pugs. Pugs.

You have five pet pugs. Yeah.

And can we have a little more princess

and a little less Nosferatu.

I need a wig. I feel so much better in a wig.

OK, we'll find you a wig.

I'm Scottish? Half Scottish.

TERRIBLE SCOTTISH ACCENT: So, do I have to have an accent, too?

No. No.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Just relax. You two are going to be great.

OK.

That was Tanya. Fazio's here.

First-aid kit. Oh, we don't need that now.

The insurance bloke's on the way with a nurse.

We can't risk an infection. The ad's on hold.

Dad, this is really silly. Maybe, Mand.

But we can't afford to take any chances.

I know these ads are boring for you,

but they make everything else possible.

This man is going to take you to the gym

and you can do some upper-body work, but no pressure on your foot, OK?

Fine.

Do you enjoy this kind of thing? The ad, I mean.

It pays a year's bills.

Training, travel, hotels, Mum and Dad's expenses.

Yeah, they're certainly very dedicated.

They gave up their jobs to support me, helped me get my scholarship.

And did they used to swim? Not exactly.

Mum can't even swim.

My grandmother used to take me to the lido every Saturday

when I was a kid. Oh, well, she must be very proud.

I don't know.

Her and Mum...

..had a row.

It's just through here.

I'm sure you know what's what. Erm...

I'll get you some towels.

OK, you're not actually going to be doing all of that stuff, are you?

You're making me look bad. Sorry.

SHE SCOFFS I was joking.

I should have brought my roller skates from home.

Would have made this a lot easier.

Wait... How do I make this stop?

Just turn it down. Where?!

The minus button on the right. Where?

Pull the red key out.

Whoa! Oh, my God.

SHE LAUGHS Are you all right?

I'm Jo. Mandy.

Nice to meet you. Are you all right, madam?

What's going on?

Who's this?

Mum, this is Jo. Hello.

Remove her. Mandy needs to be focused.

Mum... Look, I don't want any drama.

And trust me, my ego needs some refined sugar.

Nice mum, Mandy.

Horrible girl.

Mandy, 30 minutes on the weights,

and then up to the room for an hour's sleep, all right?

I'm expecting a delivery this afternoon.

I'll come and get it. Very good, madam.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Princess Marianne of Liechtenstein and Henry DeWitt.

Don't they make a lovely couple?

I thought it was Princess Sylvie and Philip de Beauvoir.

Oh, our PR girl made a mistake with the paperwork.

I'll rectify it for you. Wonderful, Juliet.

I'm not sure I can handle this.

Keep it together, Henry.

Think of our unborn children.

OK, I think we need the money shot.

Huh? Hm?

A kiss. Oh...

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Hm...

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Perfect. Bravo.

Well done. Well done.

Thank you so much.

You make a stunning couple. Thank you, Marianne and Henry.

Thank you very much. But one last thing.

Can I ask why you chose to marry here at the Hotel Babylon?

Well...

..it's where we first met.

That's a beautiful story. When was this?

Three years ago. Last year.

We first met here in the hotel three years ago.

And then we met last year at a party

and that is when we really fell in love.

It is a very special place for us.

Herzlichen Gluckwunsch zur ihrer Hochzeit.

Er...

Danke schon. Wie freuen uns darauf.

Entschuldigung, bitte. Wie haben am Morgen viel zu tun.

Naturlich. Bis Morgen.

SHE GASPS

Are you OK? Yeah.

Whoa...

That kiss...

..wasn't sick-making.

Oh.

Thank you.

One last thing. Count Maximo of Umbria

will be arriving here tonight for the wedding.

Excuse me? Yeah, he's a friend of mine

and he knows the Princely House of Liechtenstein from long ago.

I took the liberty of inviting him.

Please, you will show him the greatest courtesy.

Of course, Gennaro.

Until tomorrow.

She say, "Papa, you are the greatest man alive..."

Gino...

What do you know about being a best man?

Ah!

Well, you need a very good funny story.

Very naughty.

Pure filth. Dirty jokes aren't exactly my forte.

OK, could you, er...? What?

Come on, James, spit out.

Could you tell me some?

Yes.

HE SIGHS

GINO CLEARS HIS THROAT

There is a priest, a whore and a donkey in bed.

Oh, God...

The donkey, he looked down, and he say...

Hey, isn't that the Times restaurant critic?

I don't get it.

Oh, my God, Tristram!

There you go, sir. Thanks.

In those days, there weren't any fancy tranquilizing guns

or anything like that.

If you wanted a beast knocked out, there was only one way...

Tristram!

How wonderful to see you. Ah!

If I could just interject for one moment.

Of course.

Kenneth, would you come with me, please?

Thank you. Excuse us. Yes.

Why are you talking to the customers?

When I was a waiter in Tangiers in '55, all the...

We're not in Tangiers in '55.

The modern dining experience is an art form.

Polite. Efficient.

And, above all, unobtrusive.

Oh, just go into the kitchen out of sight.

Do whatever Chef tells you.

Kenneth...

That way. Oh, yeah.

I need one limo for ten minutes.

It's a wedding, sort of.

Yeah, he just has to pick them up round the corner and drop them off.

Thanks, mate.

Waiter, more oysters. Certainly, Mrs Warren.

Oi, nosy.

So, which room is Mandy the shark in?

She's the only person in this entire hotel

that is not a thousand years old. At a bit of a loose end, are you?

It's so boring having jetsetters for parents.

Could you do me a favour?

Take these up to the Alexandra Suite on the third floor.

Do I look like you're caring droid? No.

But if you do, you might meet someone interesting up there.

Thanks, mate.

Hey. Hi.

You are one elusive swimming superstar, let me tell you.

Oh, the hotel did give me this junk to bring up.

Why don't you turn the telly on and I'll do some ice cream?

What's it like being famous?

I don't know, really. I just kind of swim.

I kind of expected your room to be filled

with little white fluffy puppies and diamonds.

I don't know. Bentleys.

Well, come on, you do this TV stuff.

How much do you get paid for it? It depends.

60,000, I think. That's it?

Well, it's enough to pay for hotels and travel and stuff.

Is it?

Isn't it?

It's costing my dad, like, a few grand to stay here

for just this week.

Look, I don't know, my parents sort it all out.

Why do you even care?

Now, these are an ad fee right here. They're my mum's.

I have totally got to become a swimming champion. It's easy, right?

Once you've mastered the treadmill. Oh, shut up!

SHE SPEAKS RAPIDLY IN ITALIAN

Tanya, you're on count watch.

We cannot have this man staying at the hotel.

He's an Italian count and he knows the Liechtenstein royal family.

If you see him, tell me or Sam immediately.

OK.

Tony... Mm, one second.

Er, can you give me a minute?

James, where's the Warrens? They left a few moments ago.

Why? Oh...

No, Mandy, darling, we're not doing that.

Mum...!

I haven't got time for this kind of thing.

Mum, I don't care! Mandy, listen to your mother.

Mum, we weren't doing anything. Er, Mrs Warren.

Sorry, actually, it was my fault. I did ask Jo to bring your bags up.

But I told you that I would come and fetch them.

Yes, but I thought that they'd like a chat.

You know how teenage girls are. I have a teenage daughter myself.

What Mandy needs is for people to stop interfering

so that she can concentrate on her performance.

Now, both of you, out.

Mum, she is my friend.

Mandy, you've known her for about five minutes.

Well, that's all the time I have because I'm always working.

We've talked this through a thousand times.

We all have to make sacrifices.

And I thought my mum was a bad-arse.

Yeah, she is a little demanding, isn't she?

You know Mandy's getting paid peanuts for this ad?

Well, the shark equivalent of peanuts. What would that be?

Sardines. Oh, ha-ha, very funny.

Oh, my God...

What if they're ripping her off?

I mean, did you see those shoes in there?

Those are rich people's shoes.

And trust me, I would know. I'm rich.

Let's not jump to any conclusions, hey, Jo?

Look, put it this way,

never have I been so glad to have the parents that I have.

ITALIAN ACCENT: Good evening. I'm here for the wedding.

Wedding?

You must be mistaken, sir. There's no wedding here.

But this is the hotel, er, what's it's name, isn't it?

That's not us.

Right, well, perhaps I can speak with your manager.

A good idea.

KENNETH: Get some water!

What has he done now?!

Hold that.

Kenneth!

FIRE ALARM WAILS

Can't you do anything right, you silly old fool?

It... It's a sort of a mistake, really.

A mistake?!

You are a bloody health hazard!

You shouldn't be at work.

You...

You should be in a home! I understand my...

Ah! Ah! I don't want to hear another word.

If I could fire you...

..I would.

Erm, sir, Signore Fazio sends his apologies.

He was mistaken. The wedding's on this date next month.

Oh?

Why did you not say that to me? I did.

Oh, well done. Good lad.

I would offer you a room as an apology,

but, unfortunately, we're fully booked.

So, I'll have my concierge phone you a taxi to take you to another one.

Well, please excuse us.

Well, it looks like everything's under control.

Ah, Fazio!

Juliet.

Gennaro. It seems we can't keep you away.

Ah, when you find a hotel you like,

it seems crazy to stay anywhere else.

And besides, there's something about this place.

Well, it's a pleasure to have you back.

I was hoping to book a room, if the offer still stands.

Of course. Erm, I'll show Gennaro to the Pyramid Suite.

Keep him up there.

Perhaps we could have, erm, dinner in your room.

Clear.

I see things are progressing in the way I pretty much predicted.

Is there time for a word? Yes.

James?

Oh!

Sorry. Fazio's back.

Oh, God! Where? No, it's all right.

Juliet's taking care of it.

What did you want?

Oh, I bumped into Helga in the canteen

and she was sobbing her eyes out.

She'd accidentally set fire to a pan and didn't own up to it.

I thought I'd come and tell you so you could smooth things over.

Oh, no... James!

Tristram!

Back so soon?

Yes, I just dropped in to book a table.

Eight o'clock all right? Oh, for you, of course.

And I want to talk to you about your new waiter.

Tristram, I know. I've moved him into the kitchens.

Oh...

I was rather hoping my wife would be able to meet him.

I'll make sure Kenneth is here.

So, what can I do for you, Tony?

I'd like to know how much we're getting for the Mandy Warren ad.

I realise it's confidential, but... Ten and a half grand.

I should have held out for five percent,

but three and a half's not bad. Huh.

So, that makes her fee... 300 grand.

What do you want to know for? Just something I needed to sort out.

Er, thank you. No worries.

It's all right, Kenneth, you have a seat.

Kenneth, I, erm...

I owe you an apology.

I know now the fire wasn't your fault.

Well, the poor girl was rushed off her feet and made a mistake.

That's all. But you didn't say anything.

You just took it when I...

When I shouted at you.

The truth is, I saw a man in his...

..twilight years and I thought...

I'm 74.

And I don't think you thought at all.

What you don't get, Mr Schofield,

is that you need to pay respect to everyone, whatever their age.

Because that's what your restaurant is.

It's not the decor or the menu.

It's not even the food. It's the people.

And, er...

..I like to refer to my years as golden.

Not twilight.

Quite right.

Look, Ken...

..would you take table orders this evening?

I would very much appreciate it if you'd say yes.

Do you know, people have been asking for you?

Really? Oh, yes.

And, Ken... Yes?

Just, erm...

Just be yourself.

Well, I always am.

And once we did a photo shoot with George Clooney.

And the make-up girl, she was so overcome, she just fainted.

THE BOTH LAUGH

Well, I don't entirely blame her.

But Brad...

Now, there's a man with charm.

Is there anyone you don't know?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to boast, but some of the things I've seen...

Come on, Gennaro, give me the gossip.

OK.

Let me show you something.

Is that who I think it is? In rehab.

Last week.

She's in a hospital bed.

My photographer pretended to be a patient to sneak in.

God...

I had no idea it was this bad.

Are you going to print these? Why not?

Do you think some junkie pop star deserves sympathy?

She's 19.

Don't worry, Juliet, I'm not going to print them.

Sometimes the very best pictures are more valuable that way.

That's my favourite thing about this job.

When you have someone's future like this in your hand...

HE CHUCKLES

SAM: Hiding something is easy.

It can be done in the blink of an eye without a moment's thought.

But keeping something hidden is the hard part.

Whatever lengths you go to...

..whatever you try...

..somebody somewhere will know what's really going on.

I can't believe it, it's really happening.

I mean, I'm actually getting married.

Emily...

..you do remember this is a fake wedding, don't you?

Do I?

Yeah.

Of course.

The fake wedding of my dreams.

What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?

Rum and raisin. Rum and...?

Really?

OK, whatever.

You're a rum-and-raisin man.

But say you had a tiny taste of a flavour you thought you didn't like.

Pistachio, yuck. Right.

But you tried it. But you liked the tiny taste.

Do you think that's possible? No.

I hate pistachio.

Hypothetically.

Well, hypothetically, yeah, sure.

But do you know what I'd do? I'd have the whole tub.

Just to make sure.

KNOCK ON DOOR Who is it?

It's Ben. Oh, come in.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. Don't be silly.

OK.

I... Well, I just want to say...

Oh!

Good luck. Oh...

Good luck to you, too.

OK, hubby.

Erm...

..Ben.

You know your hands are on my...? Yes.

Why?

I'm sorry.

Er...

Well, break a leg and all that.

See you at the altar.

DOOR CLOSES

BELL DINGS

So, did you find out if fish kid's parents are nicking her money?

Er, strictly speaking, this is my side of the desk.

Oh, come on.

So, did you find out or not?

I don't really think it's any of our business, is it?

They're ripping her off, aren't they?

Oh, my God, I knew it.

She's like a modern-day Macaulay Culkin.

We should do something.

Now, Jo, we don't really have all the facts, so I...

Wait there.

Could you double-check the limo times for me?

I don't want anything to go wrong today.

But it's not easy, especially after the meal I had.

THE DINERS LAUGH

Ken... Oh, excuse me.

Duty calls.

James, you look very swish. Oh.

Thank you.

I'm off to a wedding.

Do you know, Ken, you really have become quite the draw here.

I was wondering, how would you like a permanent post?

Once your trial's over, say...

..two shifts a week.

Well, it's touching, but I can't. What?

See, I'm on a month's placement next week.

A dry-ski slope.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yeah, concierge.

Oh, Mrs Warren.

Yeah. OK.

I'm on my way up.

Right!

So, what exactly have you been telling this girl?

Er...

Mr and Mrs Warren, I haven't said anything to Jo at all.

I did express a concern. But I can only think there's been

some sort of a breakdown in communication.

Oh, stop trying to wheedle your way out of it.

Accept some responsibility. You're pathetic!

I can only apologise if something I've said has been misconstrued.

Are you trying to compensate

for being so low down in the food chain

by interfering in your guests' business?

Fine.

I've become aware that Mandy is, in fact, being paid

five times more for this advert than she's being led to believe.

What? Will there be anything else?

Is that true? Listen, love...

Tell me it's not true. How dare you interfere like this?

I can't believe you've been lying to me.

I earn that money.

It isn't like that. Simon...

Darling, of course you earn that money.

But you're only 16.

You've got an awful lot on your plate.

That's why we take care of the money until you're older.

No, I've had enough.

I'm not doing this any more.

Any of it! Mandy...

Let her cool off. The ad people are waiting.

We'd better go downstairs in case they walk out.

You'd better pray that you haven't messed this up for us.

DOOR CLOSES

Mandy...

Don't do anything silly.

Just leave me alone.

Maybe I should stay. She needs friends.

Well, actually, I've got a better idea.

If I was to get you a limo and a driver,

do you think you could do me a favour?

DOOR CLOSES

That doesn't send quite the right message.

GASPS OF DELIGHT

JULIET: OK, everybody, five minutes.

She looks beautiful.

Mwah! Great work.

Everybody, I just wanted to say something.

I wanted to thank you all for standing by me on this one.

Oh, it's OK. And good luck.

Let's get wed.

Sorry, I had a lot of stuff to take care of. Are we all ready?

Yes, positions. OK.

Ready, Princess Marianne? Yes.

I think this is the happiest day of my life.

Ah, Signorina Miller,

it seems you got the wrong end of the stick.

My friend Fazio confirmed that the wedding is today.

Er, yes.

Juliet, it's so unlike you to be so imprecise.

Is this the young principessa?

Well, erm...

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Oh...

My dear girl.

You haven't changed a bit.

Still the same five-year-old girl I remember paddling in my trout pond.

Ah, ja!

And, you...

I don't remember you.

Er, this is, erm... Princess Marianne's stepfather.

Sir Gino Primo-Roller.

Oh, it is a great privilege and honour, signore.

Ah, you must be the chap who can't stand the shellfish.

THEY LAUGH Ah, ja!

Benissimo! It's wonderful to see you all.

And have a wonderful time, everybody, and give them hell.

Take your seat. Grazie. Thank you. Grazie.

Your Highness, you look beautiful. Best of luck.

Here we go.

TRUMPET FANFARE

HE EXHALES

What are you doing, getting married or having a baby?

I really need to ask for a pay rise.

Please, be seated, one and all.

Beloved...

..we have come together here today to celebrate the marriage

of this man and this woman.

It is appointed for the wellbeing of human society,

which can be stable and happy only where the marriage bond

is honoured and upheld.

Marianne and Henry...

..you seek to be joined in marriage.

STATIC FROM WALKIE-TALKIE. I am required to ask you...

..or any other person here if you know of any reason

why you may not lawfully be married to one another.

And if so, to declare it now. Wait...

What is going on? Er, is there a problem, sir?

Signore Fazio, you are ruining my special day.

What is this? Hey, hey, you can't just...

SHE GASPS

Who are you?

Erm...

I'm, erm... Well...

She's not a princess.

These people are not Eurotrash.

They're just trash!

This whole thing is a fake.

Come on, Marco. Gennaro, let me explain.

No. I have my story.

Not the one I thought I was getting, but this one is even better.

"Five-star hotel defrauds magazine."

Signore Fazio, we made a mistake. But we can talk, we can explain.

Juliet, I'm not interested in explanations.

I want an offer or I go to press.

What sort of offer? Well, you tell me.

How much is it worth to you to keep the story from running?

Give me some time, I'll see what I can come up with.

I'll give you five minutes.

Mandy, wait!

Nan?

Let's go inside.

Thanks, Jo.

What the hell are you wearing? Er, it's for charity.

Thank you, Jo, you did really well. Thank you.

At least I'm good for something. Yes.

I can't let him print the story. We need to pay him off.

With what? Good question.

Sam, last night he showed me these photos.

Someone famous in hospital in a really bad state.

He admitted he told his photographer to sneak in to get them.

And...?

He told me photos can be worth more if you don't print them.

He's blackmailing the person in the photos,

forcing her to pay him to keep them out of the papers.

That's what he's trying to do to us, that's what he does.

Where are the photos? They're in his room.

OK. I'll get the others. Search his room.

You sort Fazio in your office. Have a drink with him.

Bat your eyelashes. Just keep him in there.

I won't be long. OK.

Right, we're looking for a brown envelope full of photos.

Right, where are you...?

He won't be long. He's just seeing how much he can get his hands on.

I can't apologise enough, Signore Fazio.

You see, the real wedding was cancelled and...

I'm not interested in apologies or explanations, Juliet.

I know, I'm...

I'm just so sorry. Erm...

Especially on a personal level.

I'm not so sure I should believe you.

I've enjoyed your company very much, Gennaro. And it's just...

..today's events got in the way of us.

And in different circumstances...

Has anybody found anything? No.

James? Huh?

Nothing. Shit, they're not here!

I knew it, we both felt it when we first met,

when we bumped into each other.

Am I that transparent? No.

But I can see you more clearly now.

And what do you see? Two people...

..with a mutual desire.

I can pull up the floorboards. No, Tanya, thank you.

I think you need a drink, boss. So, we're just going to give up?

What other choice do we have?

Is the door locked? Why?

Because I know what we both want to do.

Sam!

And it cannot wait, Juliet.

This is another game?

Huh? SHE GASPS

In another place, in another time, I would just take what I want.

What is going on? Tell me!

Tell me, you sneaky little bitch!

You sneaky little bitch, what is it?

Get off!

Get off her!

I'm OK. What's going on?

By the time I've finished with you, no-one will come to this hotel...

Now, then, Signore Fazio, about that deal.

Where did you get those? No, where did you get them?

Did you have permission to take these?

Permission? This is theft.

Give me those back or I'll call the police.

Go ahead. We can tell them how you broke into a private hospital

to illegally take photos which you later used for extortion.

HE SCOFFS Very well, then.

I won't print the wedding story.

You have my word.

Now, give me the photos back.

No, I think that we'll hang on to them for insurance purposes.

You know, just in case you change your mind.

You...

I think the phrase you're looking for is,

"You haven't heard the last of this."

Or something similar.

Are you OK?

They have to be a lot scarier than that to rattle me.

I'm sorry I was so long.

It's OK. It's OK.

Mum...

What are you doing here? Simon...

..I know everything.

About the money.

The lies.

You interfering old bag.

You always think that you know best. That's what this is about, isn't it?

Alexis, this is about Amanda.

You've always treated her like a commodity.

Oh, please...

I only wish I'd acted before you cut her out of my life.

I don't even know where my own granddaughter lives.

We decide how best to manage her affairs.

Not any more.

We've spoken to the lawyers and they told me my options.

SHE SCOFFS Mum, you can't.

It just means she takes control of her own finances.

Amanda's going to come and stay with me for a few days, cool off.

Then we'll all sit down and talk.

Darling...

..try and understand.

We were trying... You lied to me, Mum.

No, we were... Yes.

Yes, we did.

We did.

And we're sorry.

Amanda...

I'll be in touch.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

Hey...

So, did you divorce the bastards?

I'll go and collect your bag.

Not really, but it's cool.

Listen, you know you're not allowed to have parties?

Oh, God, please don't remind me.

I thought I might have one if you sort out the guests.

No way! You're joking, right?

I'm going to throw you the party of the century.

I'll see you later. Bye. Bye.

Thanks for everything. You're more than welcome, madam.

I'll come back, show you my medal. Shark Girl's gold medal.

I look forward to seeing that.

Bye. Good luck.

Now, have you got everything?

Thanks, guv.

No, Ken, thank you.

And if you reconsider, let me know. Done.

All the best, then.

You know, I must say, you've, erm...

You've obviously had quite a life.

Those stories of yours are something else.

Oh, I make them all up, guv.

Yeah, I fixed trams for 51 years.

I never got out of the country.

It was all a bit dull, but, er, hey-ho.

See you, then.

Yeah, see you.

Oh, I see. Bringing out the good stuff.

Well, I thought we'd celebrate our lucky escape.

Go on, then, Tony, you can say it, "I told you so."

Well, why would I want to? It all worked out in the end.

Anyway, it's not about me.

All right, then, I told you so.

THEY BOTH CHUCKLE

Ben...

Ben, are you OK?

It's just that you've been a bit...

..well, massively weird the last couple of days.

OK.

It's just that...

You know when me and you...?

Who...

..is that?

Er, Tanya's cousin, I think.

Fantastic!

What? Oh, nothing.

I think I've just realised I'm definitely a rum-and-raisin man.

Hey, everybody.

Ah, Gino, James, when are we going to hear these speeches?

Yeah!

What?

Oh!

Er...

Ahem!

It all start when me and my wife...

I was joking. Oh...!

SAM: Hidden truths come in all shapes and sizes.

So, any ideas how we're going to come up with

200-odd grand for this tax bill? How about some more weddings?

That's not funny. No, seriously.

Emily's taken two bookings. A footballer and a soap star.

The word's got out.

People want a taste of Babylon's new-found royal glamour.

Huh!

Do you remember our wedding night?

No, not that bit, earlier,

when you did the Running Man in your dress on the dance floor.

I think there's a video of it somewhere.

That's your set of prints you asked for.

SAM: But whatever you're trying to hide, whatever your secret is,

remember, it won't stay hidden for ever.

Hey, what is this?

To Henry and Marianne! ALL: Henry and Marianne!

SHE GAGS

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