Original subtitles

'Every business has its seasons.

'Its periods of slack, its downtime.'

MUSIC: 'Merry Xmas Everybody' by Slade

'And its periods where it's rushed off its well-polished feet.

'In the hotel community, Christmas is all work and no play.

'While the rest of you are letting your hair down,

'celebrating the season of goodwill to all men...

'..we are, to put it bluntly,

'working our bollocks off.

'Our Christmas and New Year are spent at your beck and call,

'organising your parties...

'..delivering your presents...

'..seeing that your season goes with a swing.

'Santa doesn't come down our chimney until later the following year.'

MAN PANTS

'So, while you're still sweating off all those mince pies...

'..February is our time to get festive.'

CLAPPING AND CHEERING

'And we tend to grab the bull by the horns,

'the bottle by its neck, and down it in one.'

All right, Tony?

Late night?

You could say that.

A good night at the Hotel Awards?

Not particularly, no.

Let's see it, then.

What? The award.

Don't, Charlie. I'm really not in the mood.

Come on. What tiny little piece of tinny crap

did they give you this year?

I didn't win.

You always win. Well, not this year.

Who did?

Prat from the Fitzwilliam.

Jasper won Concierge of the Year?

All right, all right, not so loud.

Guess who else won. Go on.

Yay!

I had him crowing in my ear

like a Spanish cockerel all last night.

At last.

At last, after all these years.

Finally, my genius has been recognised.

Gino Primirola, Barman of the Year.

I'm on top of the world,

like Kate Winslet in that film about the boat.

Wind in my hair...

Leonardo DiCaprio wrapped around your waist.

Dead people floating in the water.

Congratulations. You must be over the moon.

And the bloody sun.

I can't wait to hear Rebecca's face

when I tell her she has Barman of the Year on her staff.

You think I should keep the sunglasses?

Oh, yes. Definitely.

Rebecca will understand. You know, big star like you.

I know congratulations are in order, Gino,

but I don't think the sunglasses are strictly necessary.

LAUGHTER There are no paparazzi in here.

Talking of which, we've got a very special guest

staying at the hotel the next two days.

He is plugging his new film, and it's Aiden Spencer.

No, not the Aiden Spencer, the... Sex addict.

Oscar-winning actor. The very same.

Is he really a sex addict? I've no idea,

but isn't that what they call men nowadays who get lots of action?

They call them "lucky bastards". Or, indeed, just guests.

His personal life has got nothing to do with any of us.

I'd also like to say sad commiserations to Tony.

You've been London's Concierge of the Year

every year since I can remember,

so it's nice of you to give others a chance for a change.

Just make sure you get it again next year.

Right, that's it. Thank you.

Oh, Christmas.

I'm sorry to have to tell you that I'm cancelling it this year.

What? Cancelling Christmas?

Well, the message from above is that,

since so much stock goes missing at the staff party,

they want to do away with it altogether.

No Santa? No, Gino.

It's a ridiculous idea, celebrating Christmas in February anyway.

Just cos that's when we can celebrate it,

it doesn't mean we should.

Can't you override head office?

Not really.

Oh, come on! Get along, everyone.

Haven't you got work to do?

Thank you.

THEY MUTTER

Don't you think you've been a little bit harsh?

Charlie, I haven't cancelled Christmas.

I've cancelled the staff party, where we pretend it's Christmas.

We really look forward to the party.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

The CEO's rules.

I can't believe she'd cancel the Christmas party.

Don't you think we should do something?

Like what?

I don't know. Like work to rule.

I'm sorry. Did I fall asleep and wake up in the '70s?

Trade unionism is dead, Jackie.

An Iron Lady came along and killed it. We're all capitalists now.

You're such a cynic, James.

Christmas is the only time of year

that we get to let our hair down, and she's taken that away from us.

All right, fair point.

I can get my girls to work to rule at the drop of a hat.

So? What do you think?

No late-night calls on reception. No keeping the restaurant open.

No turning up to Rebecca's daily lectures.

No, we couldn't go that far.

I don't see it written down in my little old contract.

Yeah! All for one and one for all!

Yay! Oh, God, the peasants are revolting!

Oh, come on, James...

You're not still thinking about that award, are you?

Nah. No, it's not the award.

It's my reputation, you know?

My credibility.

Talk about the younger generation nipping at your heels.

D'you know how old Jasper is? Go on.

27. Twenty-bloody-seven years old.

I've got socks older than that.

Listen. Awards, they don't mean anything.

The judges said that I was old-fashioned.

That my transport was out of date.

What the bloody hell does that mean?

I don't know.

All about limos these days.

I'm thinking about getting a different team in.

You are?

Yeah, mates of mates. In fact, I think they do the Fitzwilliam.

What, really? Yeah, Russians.

Don't open the door to favour the Russians, mate.

They are fine. I mean, you don't know what you're talking about.

Look around you, Charlie. They're all over town.

They've got chunks of the West End, Mayfair, Knightsbridge all sewn up.

They've got banks, restaurants, bars, clubs.

In fact, they are the future.

Maybe. Maybe?

You watch too many films, Charlie.

Just stay out of it.

Sir.

ANNA GASPS

Oh, my God. Don't look now,

but it's a real-life movie star at 40 paces.

Oh, shit! Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, my God! What should I do?

What should I do? Just act natural.

Just act natural. OK.

Just act natural. Ink on your face.

Ink on your face! Oh, my God!

SHE SQUEALS

Morning, Mr Spencer. Can I just say,

what a pleasure it is to have you here at the hotel?

Another day, another junket.

So we have the Alexandria Suite for today and tomorrow.

That's correct.

And... Get on with it!

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

HE SIGHS Right.

So, here is a list of the journalists coming.

They can wait down here, then you can send them up

one at a time, at half-hourly intervals.

It's very important that we don't keep Mr Spencer waiting.

He is a very busy man.

Of course he is.

Key?

Oh, sorry!

Sorry...

Mr Spencer, can I just say

how much I loved you in... Don't look at me...

when you talk to me.

This way.

Where are the staff? The place is deserted.

I think it's something to do with the party.

And why would that be the case?

It wasn't a very popular decision.

I'm the manager of a hotel, Charlie.

I make lots of decisions that aren't popular.

If I wanted to be popular,

I'd have joined a girl band and had my breasts done.

It's just good for staff morale, that's all.

So what are you saying? That I lack the common touch?

OK, well, if you're so with the people, Charlie,

you can help me with this maintenance check.

That way, on the way round, you can say hello to everyone in the hotel.

Excellent. Can't wait.

Oh! That Aiden Spencer is a nightmare.

First, the room was too cold.

Then the lights were too bright.

He didn't like the curtains, and then he asked me to leave

and demanded one of the chambermaids finish showing him around the room.

And... looks like he's had work done.

SHE GASPS Oh, God, how dreadful.

I hate vanity in a man. I know what you mean.

Anyway, I am off on a break now.

But... But hang on. No, cos I need you.

If we're gonna work to rule, we should mean it. And besides,

I'm entitled to half an hour every four hours. So I'm taking it.

PHONE RINGS

HE WHISTLES Oh!

Hello. Reception.

Oh, hello, Miss Scott. How's Mr Spencer?

'Not very happy. Can you help?' Yes, of course, Miss Scott.

Erm, different mineral water?

That's strictly a room service...

'Can't you see to it?' No...

'It's of paramount importance...' OK, OK.

Yes. No, it's fine. I'll make the call.

'Thank you.' All right.

Anything else I can help you with? 'Just follow the instructions.'

I'll keep the journalists coming. Yes, as soon as they get here.

Guy Mellington, The Times. What was your greatest influence

when making this movie?

Annabel, Daily Mail.

Did you have sex with the leading lady?

Mm.

Alan Jordan, Guardian. Could you spell the name of the film?

Hm? Trish Walker, Sugar Magazine.

Do you wear pants?

No. SHE GIGGLES

Eugene, I presume?

Tony, hello. How very nice to meet you.

These are my friends, Andrei, Yuri.

Hello, there.

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Oh, don't mind them.

They are merely, erm, fashion statement.

Oh, right. So I hear you need my help?

Erm, not help exactly.

Actually, I've got a little proposition for you.

Sounds intriguing.

Shall we sit down?

Absolutely.

So you want limousines?

Well, my transport needs updating.

I was thinking of something along the lines of the Fitzwilliam.

Ah, the Fitzwilliam. I've heard it's very impressive.

I like the look of you, Tony.

Thank you very much, Eugene. So I tell you how it works.

I get you limos, girls...

Erm, no. Don't need girls.

I've got plenty of girls. All I really need is cars.

Take the guests where they wanna go.

The theatre, out to dinner.

Up and down Bond Street, shopping.

That sort of thing. So I get you cars.

You get five, I get 25, and we are all happy.

What, percent? Of course.

Percent.

Well, I don't know about that.

Look, man, this is what I do with all my clients.

Take it or leave it.

25 percent?

Look, man, I hate to say this,

but I've taken a look outside, and you need us.

Your setup here is a little bit old-fashioned.

This place is, erm,

behind the times.

No, you're right. You're right.

When could you start?

EUGENE LAUGHS

Well, now.

OK.

Right, my girls are working to rule. That means no overtime.

We're doing nothing that we don't absolutely have to do.

We closed promptly at the end of lunch.

Reception's on a go-slow. No room service calls.

Excellent. Has anyone asked Tony?

I think he's busy with his new business associates.

Really? Who are they? Russians, I think.

Hope he knows what he's doing. I'm sure he does.

Which is more than I can say for Rebecca

because if she's not careful,

she's gonna have a strike on her hands.

Who's going on strike? We are.

Because Rebecca's cancelled the staff party?

Yep. Don't you think that's extreme?

She's not got any choice in the matter.

Extreme is not rewarding your staff

for all the hard work they've done in the year.

BEEPER It's hardly gonna break the bank.

Well, if you could lay off lighting the brazier,

you're needed in the Alexandria Suite.

Don't look at me. I'm on my break.

Oh!

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Because they smell of dogshit!

And because they make... GLASS SMASHES

..the place look like a freaking graveyard!

DOOR OPENS Hi.

Thank you for coming.

So sorry about the mess. There's been a bit of an accident.

Yeah, I can see that.

Erm, my fault, of course.

I'm one of those clumsy types.

Right. I'm always doing this sort of thing.

Poor Mr Spencer. I don't know how he copes.

Please, madam, leave that. I'll get housekeeping to sort it.

Thank you. Anything else I can help you with?

Erm, yes.

Mr Spencer isn't very happy. Yes.

He says he wants white flowers in the room.

Thought he didn't like white? He's changed his mind.

It isn't just a female prerogative, you know.

Absolutely, Mr Spencer.

So, erm, we would like you to get some flowers.

Right, sure. White flowers.

What are those ones I like?

Erm...

Erm... I don't know, Mr Spencer.

Erm, white...

SHE GASPS Wake up, you dozy tart!

HE GASPS Lilies.

White bloody lilies.

Honestly, call yourself a PR?

You couldn't organise a piss-up at a bloody after-show party.

A bunch of lilies.

And do remember... to make them white.

OK.

I tell you, there is something very odd going on

with that PR woman and Aiden Spencer.

Really? How odd?

All I heard was smashing glass. SHE GASPS

She answers the door in tears. No!

Then he throws water all over her in front of me.

GASPS Do you think they're lovers?

Well, it didn't look very loving to me.

He's clearly very uptight about something.

So, Mr Movie Star has something to hide.

They're working to rule, you know. Who are?

Housekeeping, reception, the restaurant, the cleaners.

It's just as well the hotel's only a third full.

They're serious. Yes, and so am I.

Do they know that they're all replaceable?

Honestly, look at these.

I think we need new cleaners.

It's very clear that this lot have not done their job properly.

It's not necessarily on them.

SHE SCREAMS What is that?

That's a dead rat. You're definitely sure it's dead?

Yes, there ain't no heartbeat there.

Get it away from... Get it away from me!

Not scared of rats, are you?

No. I'm just not that fond of them, that's all.

Are you just gonna leave it there?

The cleaners will get rid of it. It's fine.

Oh, that's the new guy they're all talking about.

Who?

The pot washer.

He's very handsome.

Not you as well?

Anyway, managers aren't allowed to fraternise below stairs.

I'm terribly sorry, but we do need to actually get back to them,

to let them know whether you will be able to...

ANNA HUMS SUSPICIOUSLY

Oh, fancy bumping into you out here!

ELIZABETH SOBS Oh, dear. Erm...

Are you OK? No!

Oh! Oh, right. Erm...

I think maybe you need a drink.

I often find that vodka helps in these sort of situations.

Come with me.

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly... OK, just one then.

You know, I've worked with some shits.

But he has to be the shittiest shit of the shits.

"Me, me, me!" That's all he bloody talks about.

Well, that's actors for you.

I always thought it'd be a glamorous job.

You know, looking after actors' personal publicity.

I thought I'd see the world, and...

..all I ever get is shouted at when things go wrong,

and ignored when things occasionally go right.

Oh, I just can't believe he treats you like that.

He's a sexist and a bully and...

And?

You know what?

Can't get it up.

SHE GASPS

But I thought he had a sex problem?

Yeah, well, that's the problem.

Well, you've just got to tell everyone.

While risk losing my job? He's the best client our company has.

If he goes, everyone else will follow.

You've got to do something.

You've got to stand up to him, for a start.

I know you're right, but what's a girl to do?

Well, I'm sure that this girl can think of something.

Well, let's drink to that.

Eugh!

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC

THEY GIGGLE Thank you very much.

It sounds like we've got a plan.

THEY GIGGLE

A great plan.

It's in the bathroom?

There's a black bag in the bathroom.

SHE WHISPERS

Now, will you please show me that picture of Brad Pitt again?

Oh!

THUD

SHE GASPS

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Tony!

Eugene.

So the cars are working?

Fantastic. Exactly what we wanted.

Good. I have been thinking about more ways to make money.

Oh, yeah?

And I think you need more trips, Tony.

Trips? Yeah, trips.

You know, Stratford. William Shakespeare.

Oxford, that sort of thing. The Americans love it.

Really, we've got that covered. Yeah, I know.

But I think we should start using my people. So much simpler.

Really, there is no need.

Are you sure? HE CLICKS FINGERS

I could make it worth your while.

No, honestly, it's fine.

Here, take it.

Think of it as an advance.

But this is the sort of cash we could be making in a week,

if we start using my guys.

It's not that difficult, Tony. You scratch my back

and I give you lots of money!

Since you put it like that!

I do, Tony. I do.

Why do you think I already operate in six of the best hotels in London?

Hm. Oh, Tony.

Yes?

I noticed there are still a few old cars outside.

They're the regulars. We've used them for years.

Old-school. Yeah, but...

Think of the dividends, Tony.

Get them moved on.

What's Tony doing?

I'm not sure. Well, I don't like the look of it.

Leave it with me.

I think he's just trying out some new suppliers, that's all.

Is he?

What makes you say that?

Oh, something we were discussing down in the canteen the other day.

Was that before or after your little strike committee meeting?

Hey, Tone.

How's it going with the Russians?

Cool as ice.

Well, Rebecca's a little bit worried.

She thinks there's a lot of 'em hanging around.

Well, tell her it's called progress.

Just letting you know.

I've been doing this job over 25 years.

I think I can handle a few bloody Russians.

Yes, mate. Tony.

These are the new theatre tickets that Eugene suggested.

Tickets? New tickets, yes.

Yes, great. Good, thank you. I've been waiting for those.

Mr and Mrs Langan. Excuse me, Tony.

I had no idea you were staying with us.

You weren't at your desk yesterday, when we arrived.

We did ask for you, but some man said you were busy.

He sold us some theatre tickets,

and suggested we try this restaurant.

The seats had such a restricted view.

And the restaurant was some terrible Russian place in the East End.

I know we usually pay a little more,

but not �500.

I can't apologise to you enough.

We have some new people working here at the hotel,

and they're obviously not very good at their job.

Please, let me compensate you for your time and trouble.

I'm so sorry. Mr Langan...

what seems to be the problem? Well, I was just saying to Tony...

Tony's about to go on a break. Oh, am I?

Yes, you are.

Erm, yes. Excuse me.

Don't say a word. It's under control.

Not from where I'm standing.

I've only just managed to talk Mr Langan out of going to Rebecca.

I was about to take care of that. No, you weren't.

You were flashing cash around, like you'd won the Lottery.

Where'd you get the dough? None of your business.

It is, if it's happening in the hotel.

Now, what are these guys playing at, Tony?

It looks like they're running the place, and they're fleecing guests.

Yeah, I thought that was our job. Don't take the piss.

I think you should tell 'em to go.

What? I'll just tell 'em the deal's off, shall I?

Well, whatever it takes. If Rebecca finds out

you've invited the Russians into the hotel, she'll do her nut.

And she's got plenty to deal with as it is.

Charlie... Tony, sort it!

This is all you could come up with?

Yes, Anna, you said it was an emergency.

You're lucky someone left it behind in Room 305.

I can keep asking around, if you want me to.

No, no, it's fine. I'm late already.

Oh, God!

This is Belinda Bailey from Heat magazine.

Well, hello there, Belinda.

Come and pop yourself down here.

Why don't you?

SHE EXHALES

So, erm,

do you expect to win an Oscar for Primrose Hill?

Well, it's not out of the question.

Is it?

Are you sure we've never met before?

Absolutely, yes.

Erm, have you always been so good at choosing your parts,

or do your parts just choose you?

Well, it's all about the muse.

What about you?

Me? Yeah.

Have you always wanted to write?

No! Y-Yes.

Pretty girl like you could do anything she wanted.

SHE GIGGLES

You might have made it as an actress.

I don't say this very often,

but let's not talk about me.

Let's just talk about you.

Tony.

Eugene. Good to see you.

How are you? I got your call.

What's the matter?

Oh, no, no problem. Can we sit down?

Eugene, erm, the thing is...

..my manager is none too pleased with the changes we've made.

I thought this is what they wanted?

Well, maybe I should have a word with him.

No. No, there's no need for that.

I think we just need to wind things down a bit.

Tony, are you trying to get rid of me?

No, of course not.

I think... It's just not working.

That's what women say when they want to get rid of their boyfriends.

If you want out, Tony,

just say so.

I want out.

Cool.

Sorry?

That's cool with me. It is?

What kind of a businessman do you think I am, Tony?

I don't like doing business where I'm not wanted.

So we're OK, then?

We're OK.

Excellent.

Just one tiny little favour.

I have this friend, Sergei Antonov.

He needs a place to stay for a couple of days.

You need a room?

We've got plenty of rooms.

This place is like a morgue at this time of year.

I'll book him in myself.

Good.

Oh, Tony. Yeah?

Make sure it's nice.

My friend, he likes a room with a view.

No problem.

Take care.

Moving on to your 15th film.

What was the motivation behind that role?

Do we have to talk about that? Hm.

Why don't you come a little closer? Oh!

Mr Spencer... Oh!

SHE GIGGLES

Why don't I just, erm, powder my nose?

Be my guest. Yes.

SHE GIGGLES

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Nothing.

Don't bullshit me, you little hack.

Nothing, I have nothing. Do you have a lipstick I could borrow?

I know what you're after. PILLS RATTLE

Oh, my God. Viagra.

No, it's not. Why would I need Viagra? They're vitamin pills.

They're not. They're pills for men who can't get it up.

Don't be ridiculous. "Cinema's love god can't get it up."

Course I can!

Anyone can get Viagra nowadays, for fun.

These are on prescription, and there's nothing fun about that.

All right. How much do you want? What do you mean?

People like you always have a price. Well, maybe I don't.

Hah! Believe me, sweetheart,

I've paid off far more important people than you.

All right, yes, I take Viagra.

But you put that in your article,

I'll deny everything and sue the arse off you.

See, unlike you...

..I can be hard. SHE CLICKS BUTTON

Oh, cocks!

All right, what do you want?

Leave Elizabeth alone.

Elizabeth? What's she got to do with it?

One more glass of water in her face...

..and you'll find out.

Insurance.

Thank you!

Oh!

I owe you.

Good afternoon. OK, Ben.

These gentlemen are with me.

What rooms do we have available?

Take your pick. OK, give me 511.

Thank you.

Have a pleasant evening, gentlemen.

Hi, it's me.

Yeah. Look, I'm not gonna make it home this evening.

I know, but something's come up and I'm gonna stay.

Just to keep an eye on things.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love you too.

OK.

Come along, Mr Spencer.

Yes. Yes, all right.

What the hell is going on in Room 511?

There's people trooping in and out.

There are? Yeah, it's really weird.

It's got nothing to do with me. Tony booked them in.

I think I'm gonna go and take a look.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

In which case, I'm definitely gonna go and take a look.

KNOCK ON DOOR

MAN SINGS SOFTLY IN OWN LANGUAGE

Hello, honey!

How many? How many what?

Grams! What do you think?

What do you think you're doing in here?

Selling drugs.

What are you doing?

I've come to clean the room.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

This is $10,000 of goods.

Boss, what shall we do with her?

For a very pretty woman...

..it's a very pretty face.

She has been very, very stupid.

MAN SPEAKS RUSSIAN

SHE GRUNTS

SERGEI SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Just throw her down the stairs.

Let go of me!

What have you done?

I've been thrown across a room by your new business partners.

What? They're dealing drugs upstairs.

There's coke everywhere. I thought you didn't do drugs, Tony,

that that's where you drew the line?

You turned a blind eye but didn't deal. Isn't that the code?

I swear to you. I'm not dealing drugs.

Well, they are. And in our hotel.

The hotel you're supposed to look after.

TV IS ON

You two. Out, now!

Get your stuff and get out of here.

And we're calling the police.

No. No-one's calling the police, but we want you out.

Move!

You too, laughing boy.

When Eugene hears about this...

..you are in deep, deep shit.

Yeah? Well, we'll see about that.

Mm-hm.

THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN

I've let them get away with it so far

because the hotel is empty.

But my patience is exhausted.

My meetings are not optional.

I really think you should think about this.

Rebecca...

Rebecca! What?

OK, I'm gonna step out of line.

I think you're a good manager, I really do.

And I'm on your side.

But I just think you're gonna make a mistake here.

Come on then, Charlie. This had better be good.

If you go in there, shouting at them,

telling them to get back into the meeting,

and then just send them off to work,

you're gonna have a mutiny on your hands.

Let them have the party. It really means a lot to them.

I don't question your judgment on many things, but on this...

I am.

Well, it seems I'm over a barrel.

So I've been thinking, maybe I might have a change of heart.

Maybe head office doesn't need to know everything,

and maybe we can have Christmas after all.

BEN GASPS No!

Yes, Gino. I can't believe it.

Jolly good news. Good.

So, Rebecca, should I tell the chef to expect you downstairs?

I'm sorry?

You will be cooking the dinner, I presume?

I will?

Isn't that what all the managers are doing these days?

EVERYONE MUMBLES AGREEMENT

Oh, right. Erm...

No... I mean, yes!

Yes, absolutely. And...

Charlie can be my sous chef.

THEY SNIGGER

I can? Yes, you can.

HE SIGHS

An afternoon in the kitchens.

What a treat.

How do you turn this on? What, the oven?

Yes, the oven. There has to be some trick to it.

Oh!

Chef! He's on a break.

If you're so au fait with what's going on, you do it.

Right. Good.

So... that's Christmas dinner.

So that is turkey, potatoes,

vegetables and... some pudding.

A little bit of cranberry sauce, some brandy butter.

What? Not only do you tell me how to run my hotel,

you're now telling me how to run Christmas?

I didn't mean it like that. I'm saying Christmas isn't the same

without the extra trimmings.

If you're so keen,

you can do...

..all of these.

Well, I will make some pudding.

Books. Where are the recipe books?

I don't think there are any.

How can I cook without a book? Can't you make Christmas pudding?

Do I look like a woman who carries recipes in her head?

I'm just saying that...

Oh! Chef!

Charlie, get me Chef and get me a book.

I've got a rebelling workforce to feed,

and four hours till bloody Christmas!

HE SIGHS

DOOR OPENS

Hello?

Look, this is all your fault. If I hadn't listened to you,

I wouldn't be in this situation. No, no.

All I said was, I didn't think it was a good idea to cancel the party.

No, you didn't. What you did was side with them,

which you always do.

It left me with my back against the wall.

You know, you really are too pally with the staff.

It doesn't always pay to be that popular.

I listen to 'em. Isn't that a basic requirement of being a good manager?

Ah, you're all heart! Eggs?

There. At least I've got one.

Oh, no!

Now look what you've made me do!

Me? Yes, you. You were in the way.

No, I wasn't. Yes, you were.

Oh, jeez, don't worry about it. It's all right.

What d'you mean, don't worry? I've got staff waiting,

I've got a party to organise,

I've got Christmas puddings still to make.

We can make another pudding.

But there isn't time.

There's loads of time, and we can make it a lot better.

How? Well, because it was missing...

Come here.

It was missing the magic ingredient.

Which is?

Brandy.

Here you are.

Merry Christmas.

Cheers.

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# And I don't care about no presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I don't need to hang my stocking

# There upon the fireplace... #

Ah!

SHE BLOWS

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas is you... #

THEY GIGGLE

# Ooh, baby

# Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas

# I won't even wish for snow

# I'm just gonna keep on waiting

# Underneath the mistletoe

# I won't make a list and send it

# To the North Pole for St Nick

# I won't even stay awake... #

Why isn't James here?

Because that moody bastard worked last year.

I think I should be exempt cos I don't work front of house.

I think I should be exempt

because I've been working really hard lately.

Erm, no, you haven't. Oh, yes, I have.

Have you seen these nails? Come on.

Who's first?

You.

Yes!

SHE SQUEALS Oh!

Oh! Yay!

It's so unfair.

I had no idea you were such a good cook.

You really are a great manager.

SHE LAUGHS

Even if, very occasionally,

I do need pushing in the right direction.

Well...

..we all need a bit of direction sometimes.

Maybe.

I just can't believe this food.

Where did you learn to cook like that?

I came from a big family of boys,

and me mam needed some help so, you know...

And besides, I love it.

Do you?

Absolutely. I think there's nothing nicer

than being able to cook for someone.

Charlie, you old romantic!

D'you know? I don't think anyone has ever cooked me dinner.

Really? Mm. They've always taken me out.

Not even Christmas dinner?

I hate Christmas. I got married on Christmas Day,

and we all know how well that turned out.

I'm sorry.

No, no, don't be.

Some of us are just...

..born to be unhappy.

Well, situations change.

Not for me.

People can surprise you.

Even the...

..hardest nut will crack in the end.

Do you really think so?

I know so.

It's just a question of hitting the right spot.

Right.

Ah, hello!

Would you like some help bringing in the food?

Erm, yes. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

James, that is a very good idea.

CAR APPROACHES

Eugene. Thanks for coming to meet me.

Tony, Tony, Tony.

What a bother. I cannot believe it.

When Sergei says he's homeless, he needs a room,

I take him at his word. I can only apologise.

I had no idea.

Well, there's no need to apologise.

But, Tony, I feel dreadful.

I've put your hotel in jeopardy.

Drugs. HE FLAPS LIPS

Messy things.

Like I say. There's no need, Eugene.

I know.

But I'd like us still to be friends.

Well, of course.

Cigarette?

No, I haven't smoked in a while.

Tony.

Now you're offending me.

HE COUGHS

It's been a while.

I can see that.

Smoking is a young man's game.

And you seem to have lost your touch.

MUSIC: 'Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire' by Tony Bennett

# Although it's been said

# Many times, many ways

# Merry Christmas

# To you. #

# I wish it could be Christmas every day... #

CHATTER

SHE GIGGLES

This all looks fantastic, eh?

I know, I can't quite believe it. You did an amazing job, Charlie.

Well, it's not down to me. It's Rebecca's doing.

Really? Yep.

She doesn't look like a woman who is familiar with an oven.

I know what you mean.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?

I know you're about to get tucked in,

but just bear with me for one second.

I want to propose a toast, but first of all,

I'd like to just thank you all on behalf of the management

for what has been a great year.

You've all worked really hard,

so big round of applause to yourselves.

THEY APPLAUD AND CHEER

Thank you, all.

And secondly, I would like to propose a toast

to Rebecca.

You creeping bastard!

LAUGHTER

You've worked so hard, getting all this together in there.

It's one of the best Christmas dinners I'm ever gonna tuck into.

Looks fantastic, so thank you very much.

And let's all charge our glasses

and toast Rebecca.

To Rebecca!

ALL: To Rebecca!

Thank you, everyone. Thank you, Charlie.

I just wanna say, I didn't actually...

You're being modest. You were great.

We wouldn't have even had a Christmas party

if it wasn't for you, so thanks again.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

SHE MOUTHS

HE SIGHS

HE GROANS

MUFFLED CELEBRATIONS

Hi, losers! Hi!

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, dear. Are you on your own?

If you've come here to gloat,

I am not in the mood.

Now, where is your Christmas spirit?

It's February.

Well, try telling that to everyone downstairs.

How's it going down there?

It's fabulous. Everyone's having such an amazing time.

Oh, leave me alone. I don't wanna hear about it.

From one fairy to another,

it's quite boring without you, actually.

Really?

Yeah. I brought you this.

Mm!

That's very kind of you. Yeah, well.

Mm! This pudding is delicious.

Rebecca made it.

Really?

I don't believe her, either.

THEY GIGGLE

Excuse me.

I'm really sorry about yesterday.

Don't worry about it.

As long as it's sorted.

Oh, yeah, it's sorted.

Good. Merry Christmas.

Thank you. You too.

And you look lovely. Thank you.

You all right, mate? Yeah, fine.

You don't look fine to me.

Nah, trust me, man. I'm good.

Yeah. You look like you're in a little bit of pain.

What was it? Kidneys, ribs and save the face?

Yeah, something like that.

You should get yourself checked out,

just in case they've done any serious damage.

Nah, I'm fine. Anyway, it's nothing I didn't deserve.

Nobody deserves a beating like that.

I've been such an idiot.

No, you haven't. Yeah, I have.

I've made some stupid decisions in the past,

but this was about the worst.

Now you're just being hard on yourself.

No, I'm not.

All the mistakes I made before were sort of, you know,

innocent.

This time, I knew exactly what I was letting myself in for,

but I went ahead and did it anyway.

Wanted the money.

Wanted the cut.

You know, I wanted to win that stupid bloody award.

I put myself before the hotel, Charlie.

You can say what you like about this place,

but I've worked here for over ten years

and it's always looked after me.

Fed my family, funded my retirement.

I so nearly just pissed it all away.

We all make mistakes, mate.

But some of us are too old to still be making them.

That just means that the payback's a little bit more painful.

Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

Wait here.

CHEERING AND LAUGHING

I've taken the liberty of swiping one of...

Gino's finest cognacs.

This will help dull the pain. Is that 1796 Napoleon Cognac?

No, it's not quite �750 a shot,

but it ain't far off.

Well, he is gonna be furious.

I don't think he's gonna notice.

He's in bits.

Cheers. Cheers.

That's good cognac, isn't it?

I'll leave that with you. That's very nice of you.

Top man.

It's Christmas Eve,

and the snow is falling.

You know, deep and crispy Steven.

And I'm looking in every shop in Salamanca

for the little car that he wants.

At last, I found it.

And it was worth it, eh?

Because Christmas morning,

when he opened his present,

and his tiny little hand picked up the car...

..he looked at me and he said something.

"Thank you, Papa." JACKIE SOBS

"Papa."

He said that word.

"Papa."

That's the first time he ever said it.

And the last time, as well.

Because I haven't seen him since.

SHE GASPS "Papa."

"Papa."

How old's little Gino now?

26. THEY LAUGH

What? What?

Every year, you tell that story,

and every year, it gets more and more embellished.

Whoever heard of it snowing in Salamanca?

THEY LAUGH

You bastards.

Where's your feelings? Insensitive.

'Our Christmas may well be in February,

'but the feelings, the end-of-year sentiment, are still the same.

'It's a time when we like to get together...

'..a time for reflection and resolution.

'When we learn that, sometimes, pride comes before a fall.

'Where we learn that some people

'aren't quite who we thought they were.'

So, Anna...

..rumour has it you got the scoop on Aiden Spencer.

How much did you get for the story?

I didn't sell it, actually.

Really?

I just thought it was a little bit mean.

'And sometimes we find that,

'just when we think we have our world in order,

'we know what we're doing and where we're going,

'life throws us one of its little surprises.'

I'm sorry. I didn't realise this room was occupied.

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