All language subtitles for Hotel Babylon s02e03.eng

CHARLIE: 'Life in the city
moves at 100 miles an hour,

'which is why a luxury hotel
needs to be an oasis of calm.'

Good morning, sir.

'A place where you're treated
like a long-lost friend.'

Very good to see you again.

Babycham? Certainly, sir.

'Where your every need is catered
for with no questions asked.'

'How do we manage to make it look
so effortless?'

A caffeine-only-based diet
leads to paranoia and the shakes.

It is the end of the month.
Bill-paying time.

And my third shift
starts in exactly two minutes.

Tits and teeth.

'The trick is in the mask.'

'The great thing about working
in the hotel business

'is that the mask is the work.

'It comes with the uniform.'

Showtime.

GUNSHOT

'You're out there,
centre stage, looking your best

'and on your game 24/7.'

'But always remembering
why we're here.'

'And that is to provide a service.'

'Though some services
are not necessarily on the menu.'

MUSIC: 'Lady Marmalade'
by All Saints

'Or known to the management.'

# Hey sister, go sister
Soul sister, go sister

# Hey sister, go sister
Soul sister, go sister... #

THEY LAUGH

'The bad thing about working
in the hotel business

'is that you're out there,
centre stage,

'and on your game 24/7.'

'And if you don't like
what comes through the front doors,

'you'd better not let it show.'

You have got to be joking.

We are so thrilled you've chosen us
to host tonight's charity ball.

This is my wife's first major event
as Lady Stanwood,

and she's terribly nervous,
aren't you, Catherine?

Well, we can walk you through
the function rooms

whenever you're ready.

This way. Our receptionist, Anna,
will check you in.

Anna, this is
Lord and Lady Stanwood.

Yes, of course it is.

THEME MUSIC PLAYING

One month's use of a MiG fighter.
Mm. Piano lessons with Elton.

Excellent. If you sell
your house and possessions,

you stand a chance of bidding.

I need everyone
on their game, Charlie.

If this ball becomes part
of the season,

it will mean huge revenue
and massive prestige for this hotel.

Oh, any idea what was going on
with Anna earlier?

Haven't got a clue.
I'll keep an eye on her.

The only attitude I need
from everyone is super efficient,

professional grovelling.

James, how's it going?

Fine. Oh, actually, no.

The chef they've brought in
for this ball,

celebrity Italian lunatic
Gianlucca Lupin.

Seems to have a bit of a history
with our Martin.

Really? Do you think it'll affect
them working in the same kitchen?

It could affect them
working in the same continent.

Do whatever it takes, James.

If it means one of them ending up
in a bin liner in the Thames,

then so be it.

Charlie, this way, please.
Nice.

Straighten those, will you?

Hey, Charlie. Listen to this.

Julian Henry Cromwell-Carey,
AKA Viscount Stanwood

is the heir to the 12th
Earl of Branscombe.

He's 47 years old.

He's the 457th richest man
in Britain,

according to The Rich List,

and he recently married
Catherine Simpson.

These are very important guests

that I want you all
to schmooze to the extreme

over the next 24 hours, and that,
my little chickadee, includes you.

By rights, I should have had
a coming-out,

but my father blew it
by upsetting a minor royal.

I came out on Old Compton Street,
and believe me,

it's not all it's cracked up to be.

THEY ALL CHUCKLE

What's this?

Oh, plans for the ball.
Got to go up to the Olympia Suite.

Seen this? Switchback the rapper
is playing Brixton next week,

and he's staying here.

Switchback?
Who?

Switchback. He's the new Dizzee.
What happened to the old Dizzee?

Good heavens! Listen to this.

"Yo! The Black man ain't no diptych.

"No soul in an arsehole, bro.

"You dip there one time, I bust
a cap in your main hole just so."

CHUCKLES
Once again, with feeling?

Wait, wait. That homophobic rapper
is staying here? It's all just hype.

To sell more records. Tell him, Ben.

Why me? Because I'm Black?
Well, it's your music.

You should go see him.
Check out your roots.

What the hell do you know
about my roots?

Right. OK.

Anna. The plans?

I, er, just wanted to help

by taking these plans up
to Lady Stanwood for you, Charlie.

I can't have any complaints.

There won't be any, I promise.

Very prompt. Thank you, Anna.

Where is Lord Stanwood?

Oh, he's through in the shower.
Hm.

Oh, anything you can't quite place,
I'd be delighted to fill you in

on the designer's name and price.

Actually, you're to blame
for all of this.

Me?

You don't remember
our girlie agreement?

I'd just come to work
at the Chesterton

and you had had a one-night fling

with that guy, remember?

And you said that
we should just find

the richest man we could, marry him

and live like princesses
for the rest of our lives?

Well, I must have been
having an off day.

I met Julian at the Chesterton
last August.

Six months later,
here we are, married.

Oh, how sweet.

You see, when I get married,

it'll for be something
far less tawdry

than money and possessions.

But the best part is,

we are absolutely
and totally in love,

and it's all down to you.

Can't believe
you're still working on reception.

The way you used to talk, I thought
you'd own your own hotel by now,

or at least be running one.

Yeah, because actually, I am.

Oh, really? Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Yep. I am the manager in waiting.

No-one else knows about it yet,

but yes, the hotel have asked me

to take over from Rebecca
because she's just not hacking it.

So that's why you've changed
the name?

The name?

Thornton-Wilton.

Looks so much more impressive
on the door, doesn't it?

Darling, which suitcase
has my red leather sponge bag in?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise we had company.

This is Anna.

I told you about her, remember?

The unpopular receptionist
at the Chesterton.

Oh, I'm delighted to meet you.

I'm the manager.
Well, I will be soon,

so I'll be showing you around.

Well, it seems like
you've both come a long way

since the Chesterton,
doesn't it? Aw!

CATHERINE SHRIEKS

That press conference was fast, man.

You let that guy
from The Gay Times diss me, bro,

and in letting that guy diss me,
you diss me.

And if somebody disses me,

they ain't on my radar no more,
all right?

I got the press conference bit,

but you lost me somewhere
on the disses.

Just get me to my room, bro, yeah?

OK?

Sir, anything I can help with?

Let me see. Do you have a gun?

Unfortunately, we're not licenced
to carry firearms.

What a shame.

You've no idea how many times a day
I think exactly the same thing.

We're with the record company.
Cane Row Records.

Excellent. This way.

Key cards for Cane Row Records,
please.

Thank you. All right.
You're in the Temple Suite.

It's adjoining rooms
on the sixth floor.

The suite's on the right
as you come out of the lift.

All right.

LIFT BELL CHIMES

Anna, the ladies' toilets
adjacent to the ballroom entrance...

Yes, are strictly
for Lord and Lady Stanwood

and their very important guests.

No, I mean that somebody has been...

I thought I made myself
perfectly clear

that the other guests can use
the toilets by the cloakroom, OK?

God. Shall we through
to the ballroom?

So, this is the ballroom.

What the hell is she up to?

Tony, Tony, Tony.

Can we stop dilly dallying, please?

Now, what time are the jugglers
getting here?

I need them here before five.

Anna?
ANNA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Charlie! Charlie's here, everyone.

I shall leave you
in his very capable hands

and you can continue the grand tour,
can't you, Charlie?

Can I just ask...?
Yes, Charlie. Anything you like,

but later, because
I've just got so much to do.

Does she ever stop?

Unfortunately not.

You see?
What does that mean?

About �100.

Wait here.

DOOR ENTRY SYSTEM BEEPS

Housekeeping.

MUSIC PLAYING

What are you doing?

Just seeing if the guests
checked out.

And? They haven't,
so I'll come back later. OK.

You've got 30 seconds.
For what?

It seems somebody's been telling
little porkies to Lady Stanwood.

How was I supposed to know
that she landed a lord?

I thought she was still
a chambermaid at the Chesterton

and she'd come to spy on us
or something.

So you two are friends?

Yes, but we fell out when she slept
with a management executive

and I called her
a gold-digging slag.

Hm. She's obviously shifted up
a few leagues.

OK. You were obviously embarrassed

when you found out she was here
and you were on reception,

so you told her
you were assistant manager.

Am I right?

Deputy manager?

You told her you were
the general manager?

In waiting.

SCOFFS

You've really surpassed yourself
this time, Anna.

I'm gobsmacked.

Well, no, it's just because
I was feeling so bad

and she was being so bloody smug,

and you see, because all my life,

I've dreamt of living
like a princess, you know,

with money and glamour.

And then suddenly, she's living
like that, and she's got it all.

It's just not fair.
You've just got to help me, Charlie.

I'd actually prefer
to cut both my legs off.

How long have we known each other?
Don't start. Four years? Anna.

And have I ever asked
for anything before?

No, not as desperately as this.

Oh! Don't even start
with the waterworks.

I mean, shagging and marrying
a peer of the realm.

What does that make her?
Quite rich.

And maybe a little bit happy?

OK, so what if I was, say,
an honorary manager

just for the afternoon?
SIGHS

That'd mean I could deal with
all of Caz's problems,

and that'll leave you free
to deal with everything else

and no-one else need know.

Just you and I.
And Lady Stanwood.

Yes, and Lady Stanwood.

But that way everybody wins.

And I promise I'll stop
ordering the other staff around.

And if Rebecca rumbles me,

then I'm on my own.

You think being in management
is easy, do you?

Well, pretty much. Come on.

Will you let me?

You should be careful
what you wish for.

Is that a yes?

WATER SPLASHING

Ben! Whoa. I thought it was you
earlier, bro.

Benjamin Trueman.

LAUGHS
How are you, Tel?

Hey, never better, blud.
Never better, man.

You're looking good.

Look at you, all slicked up, bro.

It goes with the job.

Look, I'd better get back
to the desk.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.

Seven years, man.

This calls for a party.

Oh, I don't know.

Hey, we are having a party, bro.

Get the bredrins rounded up,
plenty of booze, girls, ganja.

Know what I'm sayin'?
You don't have to.

Hey, this moment needs marking, man.

Top, top ladies. Pootie time.

Know what I mean?
Just like the old days, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good, bro.

That's the old Benjamin
right there, man.

SIGHS

Now, this is Monsieur Matsui.
He's a regular.

He pays double for double.

DOOR ENTRY SYSTEM BEEPS

Come on.

Go ahead.

MUSIC: 'Lady Marmalade'
by All Saints

# Hey sister, go sister
Soul sister, go sister

# Go sister, go

# Mocha chocolata ha

# Coucher ce soir?

# Wrong, wrong, that's right
Bring it on, Daddy

I'm sorry, I can't.

# Gotta keep up
If you think you can last. #

Oh!

Don't worry, don't worry.
Plenty more fish in the sea.

Gianlucca and Martin
were colleagues in the early '80s.

Gianlucca worked through

most of the female waiting staff
in the West End

and then started on Martin's wife.

She left Martin
and moved in with Gianlucca.

They're both professionals.

They won't put personal issues
before business.

Martin never recovered.
He became an alcoholic, went to AA,

recovered, relapsed
and recovered again.

You're worrying too much.
Let's take a look, shall we?

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY DIN

Ah, madam.

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to my engine room, so to speak.

I hope everything
is to your satisfaction, Mr Lupin.

Very much, very much.

And it's so good to see
my old friend again.

CHUCKLES

Universal adulation
hasn't changed him.

He's still the same old Gianni.

Right, well, have a good night
and good luck.

Engine room? You sycophantic idiot.

Just get on with your British slop,
you English pleb.

Leave Gianni to take care of
the more discerning palate.

Discerning palate?

You wouldn't know
a discerning palate

if it came up and slapped you
between your piggy little eyes.

Piggy eyes?

You pig-ugly English cretin.

Wop prat!

You want to make something
with this?

MUSIC PLAYING

KNOCKS AT DOOR AND MUSIC STOPS

Poon tang?

Skirt, and...
INHALES DEEPLY

Honeys and snort.

Girls and chang, bro.
For Switchback.

Three or four girls
and a couple of grams?

Don't hand over the dosh yet, pal,
all right?

Sorry, I don't normally do this.

Look, I'll organise everything.
You pay me when I deliver.

All right?
Of course.

Right. Good.

EXHALES

What was all that about?
Oh, he wanted me to book a limo.

I said he has to pay the company,
not me. Some people, eh?

Yeah, good work.

TAPS PHONE KEYPAD

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
Wow. Pretty good tips.

I've been lucky.
Yeah.

Especially considering

the standard of work recently
has been so pitiful.

What's all this about?

I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

It's not hurting anyone.

It's just a few regular guests.

Was it Tanya who told you?

No, actually, it was you. Right now.

Why don't you tell me
exactly what you do

for these regular guests?

We just take off our dresses
and clean in our underwear.

There's no touching, see?
No harm in it.

The harm is that
this is a five-star hotel,

not some two-star peep show.

So I'm going to give you
the same choice

I'm going to give
the rest of your little gang.

Either do the job properly
and accept the tips you're given

or go find work elsewhere.

You know,

it's not such a bad idea.

HOUSEKEEPING STAFF CHAT
INDISTINCTLY

It's not too late
to change your mind, you know.

You're not serious?

Well, a lot of guests come here
because of our services.

You and your cohorts are out.

But you'll have over a hundred rooms
to turn down.

I'll manage.
Good luck.

'Parties in five-star hotels
come in all shapes and sizes.'

'You can spend upwards of �500,000
booking the entire hotel,

'importing the Milan
Symphony Orchestra

'and the latest Italian diva
serving Moet in cut-glass crystal,

'celebs swanning around.

'Auctions can offer anything
from dinner with Bill Clinton

'to a week's well-digging
in The Gambia with Prince Harry.'

Turn left and head downstairs.

'It's not what you know. It's who.'

Oh! How are you?
Fabulous!

'With guests paying
up to �5,000 a ticket,

'you can really push the boat out.'

'The more money you spend,
the more you can get away with.

'When you're paying �1,000 a night
for a room,

'whatever your needs are,
we're here to accommodate them.'

'As long as the room
is bought and paid for,

'rules can be bent

'and staff can suffer
temporary blind spots.'

'Sometimes we'll even go
that extra mile for special guests.'

'Celebrities and pop stars
push the boundaries all the time.

'When you live your life in hotels,

'you start to treat them
like your own place.'

Well? Well, I think
we should be extremely proud.

I think you're absolutely right.

Rebecca? We have a little problem
in the kitchen.

Well, can't you deal with it, James?

Not this time, no.

Oh!

When do you think I should change?

Into what? A receptionist?

No, I told you. I have
special duties this evening.

I thought that a simple dress
would help me blend in better.

You're going to the ball?

Yes, of course
I am going to the ball.

One-to-one management, Ben.
That's what it's all about.

Good evening.
Good evening.

See you in there.

SHOUTING AND CLAMOURING

What is this, Gangs Of New York?

And what are you doing here?

I come here for ice.

And this English stick-up slob
insult my country.

It is not the country!
The country is fine.

It's just the testosterone-fuelled
amoebas that live there.

You limp little pig dog!

I suggest that you get your ice
and get back to the bar.

No, no, no, no.

I don't take this lying down.
Oh, for goodness' sake.

This is about everything,
about who I am.

My culture, my national pride.

The very core of Gino.
Now!

MUTTERS

Hey, where are you going,
you coward?

And you lot are going
to get back to work

and produce some of the finest food
you have ever made.

And we are going to stand here
and watch you do it.

Hey, I will not be treated like...
Cook!

OK, everybody. Back to work.
You heard the lady. OK.

Back to work, boys.

Come on.

ANIMATED CHATTER

Hey! Let's get it on!

Benjamin.
You come to the party, right?

Got the bredrins in the yard.
Girls are booked. And we have ganja!

SWITCHBACK LAUGHS

Looks like you've got it
all covered. Believe it, man.

Look, get yourself up there pronto
or we'll come down and get you.

All right? Benjamin.

Mm.

All right.
See you later, blud.

Well, well, blud.

Oh, we were at school together.

Ah, so you're old friends?

No, we were at school together.
OK.

We really need to get the stragglers
through so we can get started.

Yes, of course, Lord Stanwood.
Julian. Please.

Julian.
LAUGHS FLIRTATIOUSLY

I trust that you're satisfied
with our handling of your ball.

Absolutely!
BOTH LAUGH

No...
Darling?

I think one of us should be inside,
receiving guests, don't you think?

Of course.

See you later, Julian.

GIGGLES

Doesn't everyone look amazing?

And just to think,
they're all here because of me!

Yeah, the five-star meal,
the drinks and the dancing

might have something
to do with it, though.

LAUGHS
Hm.

Do you know what, though?
You are so brave.

Imagine how absolutely terrible
it would be

if something suddenly went wrong.

Like what?
What could possibly go wrong?

Well, any number of things, really.

At events such as these,
there's just so much to worry about,

which is why I believe you should
have someone in there with you.

Someone like you, you mean?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
But someone like me would be ideal.

Well, you need to have a costume.

Yeah, I could get a costume.

I'll call the hire store,
make it worth her while.

LAUGHS

There's no need to put yourself out.

At the Chesterton, you called me
a gold-digging tart. Remember?

Slag, actually.
I mean, but I was joking.

Let's drop the act, shall we?

We never really liked each other.
Yes, we did.

If I need you, I'll find you.
Out here.

With the rest of the workers. Ciao.

Cirencester.
What?

Cirencester.

Is that where you're from?

It's who we are.
I need our tickets for the ball.

Have we got them?
Why else would I be asking you?

They were to be left at the desk
with our costumes.

Cirencester.
Right, I'll have a look for you.

Are you staying with us?
Not bloody likely.

Staying at the Ritz.

We always stay at the Ritz.

Are you sure you left proper
instructions with the costumier?

Of course I did.
It's just this bloody idiot

who can't find anything.

We don't appear to have them.

Have you checked with the Ritz?
Maybe they were delivered there.

I'll call you a cab.

Taxi, please.

So, these girls,
they do the cleaning in the buff?

Yeah. It's happening
at the Burlington, too.

Dave tipped me off.

What? I looked into it on one of
these Visitors To London blogs.

Apparently, it started at Babylon.
Don't.

This chambermaid service thing,
it's there in black and white.

Prices and everything.
I want names, Tony.

I've got a babysitter at home.
I have to work all night.

I want the names behind this.
Not a problem.

Anyway, what's wrong with the buff?
What's right with it?

Well, if anybody said to Gino,
"I give you �100 to serve me

"in just a bow tie
and a sequinned G-string,

"no touchy-feely,"
I say, "Exploit me, big boy."

LIFT DOOR CLANGS SHUT

Don't know about you, but I'll never
get that image out of my head.

Hi, Tony.

GASPS

Oh!

GASPS

EXHALES

Oh, yes. You shall go to the ball.

SQUEALS AND GIGGLES

As simple as possible.
Find the dress!

Unbelievable.
Find our costumes!

I'm absolutely mad that you just...

I understand.

First of all,
I understand the situation.

I truly do. I really do.
I will right now.

I understand.

Hello. Yes. The theme is Venetian.
No, Venice, as in Italy.

Italy? Romans? Ice cream?

Hello?

Sorry about this. Ben?

Would you mind looking after
the Cirencesters for one moment?

Have you organised it or not?
Yes.

Sir, what we're going to do...

Excuse me, ladies.
Can I have a word?

What the hell is going on?

A guest asked for girls.

But these aren't my girls.

Haven't you learnt since last time?
Have I been talking to myself?

You said, "Whatever a guest needs,
we can get."

A guest needed girls,
so I got them some.

I was going to share the...

Last chance. One more strike,
you're out on your arse. Understand?

Yeah.

There. Ben?

Ben!

Oh!

Good evening.

STRING MUSIC PLAYING

GIGGLES

LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING

ANIMATED CHATTER

Ya reachin' the yard already.

Whatever you want, ladies.

Help yourselves. Drinks, food.

Hey, my man, Benjamin.
What you sayin'? What you sayin'?

LAUGHS

Looks like you've got
all you need, bro.

CHUCKLES
Say the word, brother,

and all yours, whatever you want.
Take this.

LAUGHS

Give me a beer, man.

Let's party in the yard now.

You all remember Benjamin?
Yo, yo.

Hey!

One more, then we're on the flat.
Thanks, darling.

Take me through which part
of their costumes are Venetian.

It was a bad line with my supplier.
It's not even a Cornetto.

LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING

Which one do you want?

Which one? Come on, man. Which one?

Her.

CHUCKLES
She's all yours, bro.

Hey, girl.

Hey, girl.

Let's go.

Where to?
Come and see.

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just been a while
since I shared a room.

Oh.

Forget about them.

OK.

What is it?

HE SIGHS

You're not really into this,
are you?

What do you mean?

What do you think?

The only person you're fooling
is yourself.

You're right.

Ben, wait.

What's going on?

Why don't you ask your friend?

What's going on, man?
I don't know, Tel. What is going on?

Look, maybe you should just leave,
yeah? Why?

Because you ain't the guy I knew.

And you sure as hell
ain't the guy I knew.

But I suppose you just
have to take what we get, right?

Let me tell you all a little bit
about old Tel here.

Shut up, man. The big macho guy
with all the money.

Don't listen to him.

And the whole star thing going on.
Get out of here.

That's OK. I understand.
Switchback has an image to protect.

Am I right?
What's wrong with you, man?

No. You never could take me,
and you never will.

You want to know
what's wrong with me?

You.

If you hate fags, bro,
then you hate me, too.

And next time
you put your hands on me,

I'll break all your fingers,
you understand?

SCOFFS
Get rid of him, man.

Come on. Let's go.
Leave this place. My God.

Um, I'd like to introduce
your host for this evening,

the fabulous Mr Julian Clary.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed, ladies.

I am indeed Julian Clary,
camp comic and renowned homosexual.

Good evening, Lord Stanwood.

No, no, no.

The whole point of a masked ball
is that you don't know anyone.

Oh, I see. And you can be
whoever you want to be. OK.

No past, no future,
just living for the present.

Is there any other way to live?

Quite.
BOTH LAUGH FLIRTATIOUSLY

Thank you.

SIGHS
Thank you very much.

Our next slot is a luxury holiday
for two in the Maldives.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

A paradise island.

Who'd like to start us off?
Shall we say �5,000?

�5,000.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh, I'd kill
to have a holiday in the sun.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that!

Thank you very much indeed, madam.
�7,500.

APPLAUSE

This is a luxury holiday.
Don't be shy.

Put your hand up.

Any more for any more?

Yes, madam?

Say �20,000.

�20,000.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my goodness.

At last. Someone entering into
the spirit of the evening.

Thank you, madam.
Any advance on �20,000?

Going, going...

GAVEL STRIKES
..gone.

Sold to you, madam.

APPLAUSE

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Threw everybody out.
Wanted me to take the girls away.

Still paid for everything, though.

And I got some pictures of party boy
and the ladies on my phone.

Ladies, if you'd follow me.
All right. Bye.

What are you doing?

Maybe I didn't make myself clear
earlier.

No, you were perfectly clear.

You were worried
that I'd feel out of place here,

but do you know something?

I've never felt more at home.

Leave now, Anna.

Relax. Enjoy your evening.
I certainly did.

Come, my dear.
Bye.

Ah.
Oh! Oh.

Why don't we go and mingle?

Hey! Get back here!

You beat me, you greaseball!

INDISTINCT BRAWLING

I don't know why they can't treat
a chewed-off ear and fractured nose

without taking them to hospital.

Well, maybe if the level
of antagonism between them

had been treated
a little more seriously,

we could have avoided
a full-on brawl.

Smugness really doesn't suit you,
James.

BRAWLING CONTINUES

Ah, Jackie.

SIREN WAILS

What would you give
to learn the ringleader

behind the chambermaid scam?
Anything. Give it to me.

One of my lads found these
in a phone box locally.

There's loads of them, apparently.

The source of these and the blog
is a guest.

A Mr Matsui.
Ah.

Been staying every month
for the last two years.

Room 912.
Thanks. I owe you one.

We have a major problem.

What?
Anna.

She's gatecrashed my party.

I told her not to come,
even if she is

the manager in waiting,
but she still did.

The manager in what?

She's taking over from you,
apparently,

because you're not hacking it.

GROANS
Do you know where Anna is?

She's in the ballroom. I know what
she's trying to do. It's pathetic.

I want her found
and thrown out. Now.

Don't worry, Rebecca.
I'll deal with this.

You'd better get to her before I do.
Come on!

I do find this endless round
of charity parties

a crashing bore, don't you?

Same old people.
Same dull conversation. Mm.

There. There she is.
That is my costume.

Um, come with me.

Oh!

Don't just stand there.
Get after her!

In here, Lord Stanwood.
We must be quick. Whatever you say.

Hey!

Oh!

What are you doing?

I know you seem
beyond desperately keen

to secure that two weeks
on a sun-kissed beach.

Better get a move on.

Haven't got much time. No, no, no.
You've got totally the wrong idea.

Oh, you've been
chasing me all evening,

and now you've dragged me in here.

My dear, I've already had
most of the girls at this party.

I'm more than delighted
to oblige you.

Nothing like pastures new,
I always say.

What about Catherine?
Ha!

She's just grateful for the money
and the title.

But she's your wife
and she loves you.

She's an attractive, feisty girl.

She knows her place, and she looks
entirely passable on my arm.

She says that you love her.

Ha! I adore that working-class view
of love, sex and marriage.

Quaintly antediluvian.

What makes you think
that I'm working class?

LAUGHS
Compared to me?

Everyone's working class, my dear.

Plus, I've always been
a sucker for that streetwalker,

tarty look.

I tried to make Catherine
into a lady,

but you can take the girl
out of the gutter...

Why don't we forget about Catherine

and concentrate on ourselves?

Just for ten minutes or so, hm?

Shall we?

What are you doing?
Going back to the party.

Bloody little prick-teasing...

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Can I talk to you? Alone?

All right.

I just need to know one thing.

Did I make you what you are?

I'm not talking about
all the pop star bullshit.

I'm talking about
the macho strutting, the hate.

You got me wrong, bro.

I'm a lover.

That's not what your lyrics say.

Is that just part of the image, too?

You may have forgotten everything,
but I haven't.

I mean, we shared
all our first times together, bro.

First drinks, first fights,

first spliffs, the first girls.

Yeah, we did.

And you can say we were drunk,

but it happened, Tel.

I kissed you, and you kissed me.

And in that moment,
my life changed, and so did yours.

You're right, bro.
Everything's changed.

My life ain't never
been the same since.

CHUCKLES

That's what you wanted me to say,
right, bro?

LAUGHS

You're sick, man.

You've got to be sick, man.

Nothing happened.
You understand? Nothing.

And if you start blabbing
that it did,

I'll sue your arse, you understand?

I feel sorry for you.

Nah. You're the sorry one, bro.

I have it all.

Living the dream, man.
On top of the world.

And next time you see me,

I don't know you. You got that, bro?

I never knew you.

No, I haven't seen him in ages.

Catherine.
Are you still here?

Your husband
just tried to seduce me.

I guessed this was coming.

He just tried to shag me
in the cloakroom.

You are so pathetic.

He also said that he's had most of
the girls here. Did you know that?

Will you shut up?
What? Don't you believe me?

You are so transparent.

You saw me with all this,
and you just decided

to take whatever you could
get your hands on.

Just like you always did.

No, that is not what this is about.

You never give up, do you?
Do you know what he said about you?

Do you know what he thinks
about girls like us?

Have you seen her?

Last seen somewhere
near the cloakrooms.

We're not the only ones
looking for her.

Something about a stolen costume.

If she ruins this evening...

If she ruins this evening, it'll be
as though she's never existed.

Trust me on that one.

Caz.

Will you leave the party now,
please?

He thinks that we're just
a couple of cheap whores

that he can pick up and use
as and when he pleases.

He is not the man
you think he is, Caz.

This may come as a bit of a shock
to you,

but your husband
is a disgusting little slimeball.

You know nothing about it.

Oh, my God. You know, don't you?

What? You know everything about him,

and yet you're prepared
to just put up with it?

For what?
For everything we've ever wanted!

But it's a lie!
Your whole life is just a lie.

What about you?
I mean, manager in waiting.

How sad can you get?
Don't forget, Anna,

I know all about you. I know
all your dirty little secrets.

Number one being
your dad's a council clerk

and your mum a dinner lady.

Your double-barrelled name
is as false as your accent.

Oh, and number two, when you finally
left the Chesterton,

the management had a drinks party
to celebrate.

You're a spiteful little cow.

And number three,
one guy breaks your heart

and you let it sour the lives

of everyone you ever meet forever.
Get over it.

Charlie, do something.

At least I've stopped lying.

At least I can stand here and say
I am Lady Catherine Stanwood.

Yeah, but for how much longer?
Let's go.

SIGHS

Anna, don't.
Oh, look, here he is.

This is all your fault.

If you hadn't tried to shag me,
none of this would've happened.

But then again, you've shagged
everyone else here, haven't you?

Get your cheap slut of a manager
out of here now.

She isn't the bloody manager.

She's deranged.

Oh! You're the one who's deranged.
Deranged and bloody deluded.

Get yourself upstairs.

But this is my ball!

I told you to use the Grosvenor,
but no.

I am surrounded by imbeciles.

This hotel is a disgrace.

And you, you'll hear
from my solicitors.

As will you.

What?

You think I can tolerate
this sort of behaviour?

You've embarrassed yourself
and you've embarrassed me.

You are just a common little tart.

GROANS

That was for the common tart,
sweetheart!

Um, you can keep the holiday.

I think you might need it
to recuperate, my friend.

Ha! You idiot.

SNIGGERS

Everyone, there's still time
for dancing and enjoying yourselves,

so music, now!

With your overwhelming talent
for dissembling,

you'd better have
a very good story to explain

what happened this evening.

No, Rebecca, this time
there aren't any excuses.

Actually, I think the blame
should really be levelled at me.

Due to the added pressure
of getting the ball together,

I encouraged Anna to take
a more responsible role

with Lady Stanwood.

Given their personal relationship,
I believed she could

prove to be a useful link
between her ladyship and the staff.

You and Ben left reception unmanned
during your shift.

You may go. I'll deal with you both
in the morning.

We've lost a potentially
very lucrative contract.

Actually, Lady Stanwood's
inaugural ball

is also probably
going to be her last.

Plus, we've taken future bookings

from prominent irate husbands

whose evening
couldn't have gone any better.

Talk is of a philanderers ball
next season

to celebrate the sending
of Lord Stanwood

somewhere very north of Coventry.

Anna could have done everyone
a favour.

I'm sorry.

What for?

Erm, I don't know.
Erm, ruining your life?

Probably ruining mine.

Well, I'm starting to realise
I've had a lucky escape.

That girlie agreement,
that was total rubbish, wasn't it?

Total rubbish!
LAUGHS

What?

Remember what they used to say
about us?

Whenever we got together,
there was bound to be trouble.

Yeah, I guess some things
never change.

BOTH LAUGH

Thank you.

And I'm sorry about what I said
about your family.

And the Chesterton.

Did they really all celebrate
when I left? Mm.

I'm sorry about the guy stuff
as well.

A broken heart's a broken heart.

I'm beginning to realise that.

SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT

You two kissed and made up, then?

Charlie, did you ever work
at the Chesterton?

Yeah, three years ago. Why?

Oh, no reason.

Suppose I'd better go rescue
what I can of my belongings.

Looks like Great Granny
gets her ring back.

CHUCKLES

Just out of interest,
did you sign a prenup?

No. OK, I'm going to put you
in touch with one of our regulars.

He's probably the best
divorce lawyer in the country.

He'll make sure you're more than OK.

Thanks.

I always wondered
why you were so keen to work here.

Now I know.

Bye, Charlie.

Was she lying about your parents
and your family name?

My name is Anna Thornton.

And what about the guy?

What guy? The guy that she said
broke your heart?

I just made him up
as an excuse for behaving badly.

Come here.

SHE SIGHS

Do you think I'm an idiot?
Yep. Oh, thanks.

I just think that some of the things

that you think are important
really aren't.

Like what?

Like money, status, position.

Would you really want to swap
your life for Catherine's?

No, not right now, no.

Well, there you go.

I'll see you later.

It's a shame about that guy thing.

Why?

Well, if he really existed
and he had any sense,

he'd probably
want to make it up to you.

'A mask helps you
get through the day.

'Sometimes it's all you have.

'And sometimes
it's your whole life.'

May!

Oh, just ignore him, darling.
Sophie!

Ghastly man.

'But we wear them
for one very good reason.'

Hey, Anna. Rebecca's going
to kill us, isn't she?

Yeah.

You know, most of the time,
I think this is a great job.

And then on a day like this,

I wish the ground
would swallow me up.

At least it's safe.

At least we can be ourselves.

Come on. Put on a brave face.

'Because without our masks,
we'd be open to all-comers.'

'They can also be our best weapon.'

Sure about this?
Mr Matsui has made my life a misery.

He also made us work
till 2am last night.

Housekeeping.

# On your marks, get set

# Voulez, voulez, voulez

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

Enjoy your last show, Mr Matsui.

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

# Voulez, voulez

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

Oh!
# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

WHIMPERS

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi
Ce soir

# Voulez-vous coucher. #

'The great thing about working
in the hotel business

'is that the mask is always there.

'It comes with the uniform.'

This way, please.

'It's what gets you through the day,

'even when the day
takes a turn for the worst.

'But always remember,
everyone wears a mask.'

'Everyone.'

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