Original subtitles

CHARLIE: 'At Hotel Babylon, we're used to high-profile clients

'and their extravagant requests.

'So, who would you guess attracts the most attention,

'and is the most demanding of all?

'If you think royalty, think again.

'I'll tell you.

'Premiership footballers before a big game.

'Wedged-up young blokes, fit as a butchers' dogs,

'and generally half as smart.

'Told to behave, even though they're eager to sample the excesses

'they quite rightly think a hotel called Babylon will provide.

'It's like lighting a firework and ordering it not to go off.'

THEY LAUGH

Come on, come on!

'And in this hotel,

'we don't mind the hijinks that obsess the Sunday tabloids.

'But you should never take the piss out of hotel staff.'

CHEERING AND YELLING

THEY LAUGH

To paraphrase that fictional mild-mannered scientist

just before he turns an ugly shade of green...

..don't make us angry. You really wouldn't like us when we're angry.

Here's your key card, Mr Dovic. I hope you enjoy your stay.

Your hotel comes highly recommended.

I'm fully confident I shall enjoy my stay to the maximum.

Oh, great.

When you've finished mentally undressing the guests,

do you think you could be persuaded to do some actual work?

I've mentally undressed them, got nasty in the hot tub, showered,

got nasty in the shower, got dressed and came back down to reception.

All in the ten seconds it took for the footballer to cross the lobby?

A bum that tight sets off a fantasy sequence

like a bell triggers a dog to drool.

Don't tell me it doesn't have the same effect on you.

No requests for autographs, no addressing by name,

no staring, no touching, no talking to, no smiling at,

no smoking in the presence of.

Can we breathe the same air,

or should we switch to anaerobic respiration in their presence?

Sorry! Morning, Anna. Come and sit down.

Oh, good morning! You all know how long I've been schmoozing

every club in the Premiership to use this as their London base.

Yeah, God knows why.

Ugh, how do I put this into words you'll understand? Oh, yeah.

For... their... money.

Modern footballers are a bunch of tossers.

In Italy, the footballers behave like men.

Unless they get ever-so-slightly nudged in the penalty box.

Yes. Then they behave like crying little girls

who have their legs smashed to pieces with hammers.

REBECCA: This list was issued by the club's head of public relations.

Now, if she says "no smiling at", we do not smile at.

With Peter Yardley as manager, you won't need that.

He'll keep them well under control.

The man was a legendary captain in his day.

Complete opposite of today's mercenaries.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meet-and-greet

with Peter Yardley and the woman who issued this list. Tony?

Yes? Why don't you join us?

You might get a more rounded view.

You know, I did once have lunch with George Best.

Really? Here we go.

Yeah, well, I say lunch - I served him a club sandwich

at the Royal Lancaster and then stood behind a yucca

and watched him eat it. Best friends, then, huh (?)

Tony said Bestie even chewed his sandwich more skilfully

than a mortal man. God, give me strength. Tony!

That man played for the love of the game.

The game, not the dough.

And sure as dogs have fleas, kids have germs.

Listen, Anatoly didn't resurrect this club from Division Two

only to see his assets ravaged by chickenpox, OK?

The answer is no.

Miss Stoll. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Well, it has been rather irritating, Miss Mitchell.

Peter Yardley, club manager.

Club coach.

In my days, a coach was something you sat on to get to a match.

Yes, well, we still sit on coaches

but that's just to keep their minds focused on the club's share price.

This is my head concierge, Tony.

He'll be helping to look after you while you're here.

Big fan, sir, big fan.

March 1976, White Hart Lane - etched on my memory for life.

Good game, that was.

How tragic, that a life is so bereft of incident

that the memory of a football game should take on such pre-eminence.

I beg your pardon? I need to talk to you about security.

Paging Mr Lucan.

Paging Mr Lucan.

Paging Mr...

Paging Mr...

Big fan, sir. Massive strike against Chelsea three weeks ago.

Thanks.

Forgive me for talking to you at all,

but I just wanted to say that if there is ANYTHING you want

that room service can't provide,

you can text me, Mr Hocker, on this number.

Anything at all, day or night.

Seen this, genius?

Second front cover in three years.

Great.

Here, mate, can I have a nice glass of champagne, please?

What you playing? Footie.

What team are you? Us.

What player? Myself.

You really need to broaden your outlook - do you know that?

Oi, soppy. Look after that.

The paparazzi'll stop at nothing

to violate the image rights of my players.

So... I want you to enhance the security on all the entrances,

to dissuade them from infiltrating the building.

I don't think it's necessary.

I've given strict instructions to the lads

to go straight up to their rooms after supper.

In any event, our current personnel

makes Hotel Babylon impossible to infiltrate.

My club are paying an awful lot of money to stay here.

In future, they could choose to spend a great deal more

in Hotel Babylon... or elsewhere.

Consider additional security on its way.

Once I've spoken, I take it as read

that the appropriate action will automatically follow. Thank you.

Can I help you, sir?

I need more pillows.

Of course, sir, and how many would you like?

About eight.

Eight? Yeah, I like to be comfy.

Is that all right with you, Mary? HE CHUCKLES

My name's Ben.

And I think we all know what that's short for, don't we?

I'll have eight pillows sent up directly.

And make sure you don't touch any of 'em.

Ben, everything OK?

Fine.

Good afternoon, sir. Welcome to Hotel Babylon.

Thanking you kindly. Sorry.

DOOR CLOSES

Good morning.

Your room is 103, Mr Boscastle. I'll have someone take up your bags.

As you can see, I'm... travelling light.

Boscastle?

Isn't that the flooded village?

My family's originally from there.

Oh, that's unusual, to be named after the village you come from.

It's a... Cornish tradition.

I was in Cornwall last year.

Boscastle's beautiful - the clifftop walks and the witches museum.

Thank you.

Amazed they let you out.

That is the sixth this afternoon.

From Boscastle?

No, all dressed in black and have gone straight to the bar.

It's a very, very small Johnny Cash convention.

And did you notice that not one of the men has flirted with me?

Anna, you do realise, don't you, that not everyone

with lead in their pencil wants to get inside your knickers?

SHE SCOFFS

Tanya?

You should've finished by now.

Tanya?

SOBBING

Tanya?

Babe!

Hey.

What's wrong? TANYA SOBS

Babe.

Shh, shh.

It's OK. Shh!

Welcome, friends. First, we must... know each other.

You are?

I'm Stephen from, er, Colchester.

ALL: Hello, Stephen from Colchester.

You are? Meg from Romford.

ALL: Hello, Meg from Romford.

Who are these for?

For them.

OK. Allow me.

My name is Maureen and I'm from north-west London.

ALL: Hello, Maureen from north-west London.

And you are?

Oh, I'm Martin and, erm,

I'm from a village just outside...

Just the region, please, Martin.

Norfolk.

ALL: Hello, Martin from Norfolk.

Who's for the sparkling water?

You know Tanya, our Croatian chambermaid? Mm-hm.

She's convinced that a guest that she saw walking down the corridor

is the man that murdered her six neighbours during the war.

Is this a joke? No.

I found her in the bathroom. She was shaking. She could barely talk.

Well, I have seen it before.

Some of the staff that come over as refugees from God knows where.

Memory was probably triggered by a foreign accent, that's all.

She'll be fine. Give her a Scotch, send her home and, er,

expect her to be all over you with embarrassment in the morning.

If I wanted to give her a Scotch and send her home,

I would've gone to Rebecca.

Even if what she says is true -

which, I'd put money on it, it really isn't -

our limit can only ever be sympathy.

Please, give her a Scotch...

And send her home.

One of my team needs me.

I don't suppose you remember what that feels like.

HE SIGHS SOFTLY

Jackie... Don't.

Oi! Sorry. What?

You excited about tomorrow, Clive? Yeah.

Yeah. I remember my first FA Cup quarterfinal.

You're doing it again, boss. What's that?

You're boring everyone rigid with your old war stories.

I was trying to relax the boy.

I'll keep the boy genius relaxed. Don't you worry about that.

Hey.

Yes, sir? This roll is stale.

I can assure you, they're freshly baked.

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

Hey, come on, lads. Lads! Oh, leave them alone.

They're just having a bit of fun.

Well, get me another one, yeah? Yes, sir.

PLAYER: Sling your hook.

Go on, get out of here. Liven yourself up, you mug.

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

It's just a bit of fun, James. Ah.

Well, in that case, I'd better hotfoot it to Savile Row

to repair my splitting sides.

The extra heavies that we ordered have arrived.

I'll inform Miss Stoll.

Miss Stoll, the additional security you requested is in place.

Good. I did have another...

PLAYERS CHEER AND LAUGH

Hey-hey!

I'd rather you didn't do that, SIR.

You're a lesbian?

I'm the manager of this hotel.

So? You have nice ass.

THEY CHEER

That's enough. All right, Salvador.

Do enjoy the rest of your meal.

THEY CHEER AND WHISTLE

I'm gonna have a quiet word.

It's just a bit of fun.

Bollocks it is. No. Thank you, Tony.

Just do your job.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on, hang on, hang on!

SHE GIGGLES Ah, excuse me.

Ah!

LIFT BEEPS

LIFT BEEPS

LIFT BEEPS

LIFT PINGS

DOOR CLOSES

LIVELY CHATTER

Goodnight, sir. Goodnight.

Goodnight, sir.

Manager off for a quick tipple?

He famously never touched the stuff. Well, he's touching it now.

Sleep tight, sir. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Thanks.

In the old days, the kids served an apprenticeship with the reserves

until they were fully developed. 20 grand a week

for doing what you love. Ugh, must be a nightmare for 'em (!)

Goodnight, lesbian. PLAYERS JEER

Is there something you haven't told us?

Yeah. Men in packs are bastards.

They're going up for a quiet night. Why don't you knock off?

Head of European Operations

specified that I oversee every aspect of their stay... in person.

Well, why don't you take a room upstairs

and oversee every aspect of ME

overseeing every aspect of their stay in person?

I could use a bath.

At school, I was the goalkeeper... known for a safe pair of hands.

Everything by the book, best behaviour?

Think of it as a taste of management opportunity.

Professional is my middle name.

WHISPERS: Thank you.

I thought it was Marion.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY You mention that to anyone...

and I'll break your tongue.

Yes?

You know the six guests dressed in black who all went to the bar?

If this is a song, I don't know it.

If it's a riddle, I really don't want to hear it.

They all just went into the same room.

Well, maybe they're pallbearers on their way back from a funeral.

Burying the deceased is tiring work.

Perhaps they've nipped upstairs for a little lie down. What, together?

United in grief.

Don't you want to know what's really going on up there?

OK. How old's the eldest? Er, 65.

Mm, well, no, I really don't want to know what's going on up there.

SHE TUTS Why's it always got to be about sex?

It doesn't always have to be - it just nearly always is.

I'm surprised to see you still here.

Jackie told me who you thought you saw.

Thousands of European businessmen pass through the hotel every year,

ev... Dragan Milandrokovic.

I didn't think I saw, Charlie. I SAW Dragan Milandrokovic.

Tanya... Today, he holds credit card and a briefcase.

Ten years ago, it was Kalashnikov rifle and a horse whip.

HE SIGHS SOFTLY Go home and get some rest.

Jackie told me also.

The longer you spend round here, the more upset you're gonna get.

I'm stupid.

You're not stupid.

You're just mistaken.

Yes. I am mistaken...

..to expect management to care about foreign chambermaid.

THEY CHATTER

When I typed in "Dragan Milandrokovic",

I got a couple of hits connected to some fairly gruesome stuff

in Croatia at the height of the war.

So, Tanya's not completely mad?

No. This is a shot of Milandrokovic that I've found.

We now search the guy in 704. Michael Dovic.

He's a highly successful

construction entrepreneur from Croatia.

Built an orphanage for kids whose parents were killed in the fighting.

They're both from the same area.

It's a coincidence. They're completely different personalities.

One guy ruins the country,

the other guy's devoted to rebuilding it.

What better way to disappear

than to become the mirror image of who you used to be?

Jackie...

I genuinely admire your support for Tanya, I really do, but...

this is just not the same bloke. She was SO convinced.

They look the same to you?

Me neither.

Is it all right to pop out now it's quiet?

What for?

A spot of room service.

Room service comes from OUR kitchen, Luke.

Aha. But not everything our clients want is on the menu.

Gino... found this on the bar.

"Anything. Any time." It's class.

Get these knocked up in a Tube station,

especially for football players, did we?

Mm-hm. You always say a good concierge goes the extra mile.

As long as it doesn't take him over the line.

The line? Told you on the first day, Luke -

there is a line over which thou shalt not cross.

But you also said, "Everyone chooses for themselves where that line is."

Indeed I did.

So, can I go now?

I don't know, son. Can you?

HE SIGHS

THEY LAUGH

You're gonna love this gaff.

Wow! Look at this!

God, it's massive!

Told you, it's a proper gaff, this. Oi, come here.

Good evening, ladies. Yes, sir?

I want a massive bottle of Moet brought up to me room,

and I want one of them great big Mars bars.

Oh, yeah! THEY GIGGLE

Well, if you call room service from the suite, sir,

they'll be happy to provide you with anything you require.

Why don't you be a good little soldier, yeah,

and, er, see to it personally, yeah?

What do you want?

Here you go, look. Here y'are, have what you want. Here, you are. Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Yes, sir.

"Yes, sir. Sergeant major, sir."

THEY LAUGH

No, no. No, he's a lovely little thing. In't he lovely?

Here, look. You're funny.

Come on.

SHE LAUGHS

So, then, er, are you sure I get to meet Clive Hocker?

Trust me, sweetheart, we're like brothers.

Brothers? I've never had brothers before.

HE GASPS AND SIGHS

Now, why do I find that hard to believe?

Go on.

SHE SIGHS HAPPILY

Oh.

Nothing Tony can't handle.

Room 704, please.

Sleep well, sir. In London, I sleep like a baby.

Our pollution has that effect on people, sir.

When they run out of anaesthetic at the local hospital,

they stick the patients' heads out of the window

for two or three minutes. That's nothing.

You know, in my hometown, we don't say we breathe the air -

we say we chew it.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, that's not necessary, sir. I'm just making conversation.

Makes my stay more pleasant. Goodnight.

Thank you, sir.

What a nice guy.

Mm.

Perhaps I should tell Rebecca about our Cornish contingent.

Or better yet, have a word with them in person.

Yes, Mr Boscastle?

I've been trying to order room service,

but each time I phone down,

they think I'm playing a practical joke and hang up.

Why? What are you trying to order?

Six plates of bacon.

With? Just bacon.

Six plates of just bacon. No bread, no eggs?

Six portions of five rashers...

unsmoked.

Right. Yes, of course. Leave it with me, sir.

Within the hour, please.

Six plates of bacon?

Well, at least you can rule out one part of the mystery.

What's that? They're not Jewish.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

Give me some more! Whoo!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

Yes!

Oh, darling! Baby!

Hey, darling, you want me, er,

spank your saucy, naughty sweet cheeks now?

Oh, yes, please.

KNOCK AT DOOR

What? Room service. Well, come in, then!

SHE GROANS

Put the champagne on the table and the Mars bar over there.

Sorry, sir. Where exactly did you want the Mars bar?

Over there.

Oh, wicked. Thanks.

How old are you?

What? How old are you?

Er, 16 last week.

Oi, Private No Nuts.

Stop fishing about for a tip and get out.

My boy's a big fan of you guys.

Now, I'll probably get sacked for asking,

but, er, he's terminally ill.

If I was to come home with your autographs,

I'd be flavour of the month my whole life -

which in his case, is going to be tragically short...

I said, "Out."

He was born with kidneys the size of walnuts.

HE SCOFFS What are you - deaf?

When's Clive gonna join in?

Soon, babe, all right? Soon.

Would you sign?

Nobody's signing nothing.

Please.

I'm gonna be taking this gentleman to another room, sir.

Are you bollocks. Do you really think that this is

a healthy environment for a lad of his age? I saw a lot worse.

Yes, and with all due respect, sir, look how you turned out.

Oh, by the way...

you tip far too generously.

You jumped-up little prick. Hey, hey, what are you doing?

You seem to have dropped your towel, sir.

I'm gonna get you sacked so fast, you'll have a nosebleed.

Is this how you dreamed that you would end your career

when you started out, sir? Exposed in the Sundays

for procuring girls for the most promising prodigy

the game's produced in years?

You wouldn't dare.

Well, let me find him another room and you never need know.

There you go.

Sir.

Is that your bag, sir?

Yeah.

Excellent. After you.

DOOR OPENS

SQUEAKING

MOANING

SHE SIGHS

SHE GRUNTS

MOANING CONTINUES

Right!

I thought I'd got them wrong, because a little bird told me

that the team makes hospital visits to sick children.

Oh, they do. But only cos it's an easy way to shag nurses.

Is it like that every time you share a room with him?

Dave calls the Premiership the ride of a lifetime.

And you? I just want to play football.

I see.

Well...

..I shall make sure you are not disturbed.

Thanks.

Oh, erm, Tony, I'm supposed to give you something -

you know, for your trouble.

Not tonight, sir. You sleep well.

LOCK BLEEPS

HE SNORES

Yes?

Room service.

Bacon? Yes, sir.

Leave it outside, please. Er, I'm afraid I can't do that, sir,

in case someone takes it between my leaving it and your collecting it.

I'll collect it as soon as you leave it.

I'm sorry,

but I am charged to bring the bacon up and into your room, sir.

Leave the bacon and go away. SQUEAKING

It is more than my job's worth... SIR.

WOMAN CHANTS

I see. So it's just shagging...

and meat.

Well, at least you had the decency to bring your own bedding.

Close the door.

OK. OK, OK. DOOR CLOSES

What you guys get up to behind closed doors -

it's your business. If that's what turns you and you

and you and you and you on, then who am I to judge?

Why don't we just take the bacon and let her go?

Not possible.

Not only is it possible - it's absolutely what you must do.

I'm sorry, young lady.

You've seen too much.

Ay-up, mate.

You look like you could use a drink. What is it about money

that makes people think they can do whatever they want

and treat everyone else like shit in the process?

Is, er...? Is Karl Marx in tonight?

I thought he wasn't coming in till next week.

LAUGHTER

Please... restore my faith in humanity.

That business upstairs - you didn't really enjoy that, did you?

Enjoy? I loved it!

Well, what about a little thing called self-respect?

SHE SCOFFS Talk to the hand,

cos the tits aren't listening, yeah? THEY GIGGLE

See you later.

A fizzy water and a slice of vodka, Gino.

THEY CHATTER

Lime? If it looks like another shot of vodka, absolutely.

Heavy evening?

Disillusioning.

You know, if Mr Yardley there

knew what his players were doing upstairs,

he would not be sat down here drinking with his buddies.

They're not buddies, they're baddies.

Go on.

South London gangland.

Very rich, very violent, very good tippers.

There you go. There's your...

Make sure you count that. Yeah.

Oh, hello.

Hello what?

Well, didn't you just see what I just saw?

I saw one man give another man an empty envelope.

Are you blind?

It was bursting at the seams. Hm.

Thank you. See you later. Lovely.

Oh. Thank you, gentlemen.

Lovely. Thank you. Very good to see you.

They just bunged a Premiership manager.

I saw an empty envelope. And if you like your kneecaps in one piece,

that is what you saw as well, eh?

God, that's Peter bloody Yardley.

Think he's selling his allocation, like many others.

Would he be a fool if he was not on the make, like everybody else?

Everyone except the fans, Gino.

All over the world, fans are screwed.

That's the way it is. Yeah.

Well, tonight, I've had a bellyful of the way that it is.

Hey, Tony.

Mr Yardley...

..could you sign that?

HE SIGHS Sure, sure.

My dad took me all the time to see you play.

Them were the days, eh?

You never went down, never dived.

My old fella used to say

that you were the most honest player in the league.

I'm, er... I'm tired, son. Maybe tomorrow, eh?

Mm. May I?

Are you anxious?

About the match?

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY You're having a laugh.

My squad's been hand-picked from all over Europe at vast expense.

They could stay in the hotel in bed and still walk it.

Well, you don't sound as pleased about that as you might.

Look, son... when I played,

the FA Cup was a beautiful dream everyone got a shot at.

Now, it's got all the romance of a spreadsheet.

Mr Yardley, your boys are running riot upstairs.

But they win.

And that's all that matters?

Winning's good for business.

That's all that matters.

Well, my old man would turn in his grave to hear you say that.

Then maybe he's better off where he is. Now, if you'll excuse me...

PETER GRUNTS

What are you doing up?

Couldn't sleep. So, how's it been?

These people. They're vile.

Well, you say that as if you want to do something about it.

What if I did?

Such as...?

Well, if I were to say it out loud, I would probably lose my job.

Then don't say it out loud.

What about all the business the hotel would lose

as a result of me doing something?

All that money.

I'm coming round to the idea

that the satisfaction we would gain would be compensation enough.

Seriously? Make it a team-building exercise.

I'm sure you'll find James amenable.

And Charlie... and Gino...

and Ben. Ben?

Oh, definitely Ben.

And you?

I will be in the gym, running off some steam.

Ooh, Tony.

Rule number one... Don't get caught.

Well... looks like it IS a game of two halves.

James... have you got a moment?

Luke.

What's going on?

What would you gentlemen say to a little wager?

Depends what the odds are.

Long. Then it would depend on the bet.

Imagine there was a group of people that you took a severe dislike to.

Could you be more specific? Dislike is not my default position.

Imagine this group of people were in the immediate vicinity.

You're looking to stitch up our overpaid sporting guests.

I bet your teachers loved you. Yes, they did.

They used to give me extra detention to spend more time with me.

What are we talking about here? Serving one of our...

special breakfasts?

You in? Yeah, all right.

Count me in. Oh, and me.

Luke, are you staying on your side of the line,

or are you joining us on mine?

Joining you.

Good lad. So, as they say in the sporting fraternity, game on.

We have no wish to keep you here against your will,

but seeing as you forced your way into our room,

I'm asking you to remain of your own volition

for a little while longer.

You really think that the world is going to end tonight?

According to the prophecies,

the world will end in exactly...

..42 minutes,

at which point, the Planet Earth will collide

with a massive asteroid of dark matter.

Precisely 30 seconds prior to impact,

I have arranged for the six of us to be plucked from certain vaporisation

by pan-galactic nomads from a tertiary spiral of the Milky Way.

You can't really believe this mumbo jumbo!

We do not merely believe. We know.

So how come no-one else knows?

There are others making their own arrangements.

All right, so why hasn't it been on the news?

It has been decided to allow humanity to be extinguished

without the grotesque trauma a mass panic would inevitably bring.

This is ridiculous. I have a hair appointment tomorrow.

Trust me... you don't.

OK. So, what's with the bacon, then?

What - is that your last meal before the poof?

In order to be salvaged prior to impact,

our bodies will be required to travel at great speed,

thus depleting muscle tissue.

I have been advised that bacon has the requisite

protein-to-sodium-chloride ratio

to most quickly rectify that damage.

Aha. OK, I see.

You're completely mad, aren't you?

Anyone ignorant of the impending cataclysm

would no doubt imagine the same.

I have arranged the bacon, Adrian.

Thank you, Maureen.

Now... excuse us. We must prepare for our journey.

Yes, of course. Erm, how are you proposing to do that?

Are you going to hang a large towel out of the window?

Bacon... and suspended animation through hypnosis.

Hypnosis. Right, now, I've heard...

So...

let us feed.

Three, two, one.

ALARM WAILS

Come on, you lot!

Shake a leg! Come on, move it.

Fire!

ALARM DROWNS SPEECH

ALARM BELL RINGS

ALARM CONTINUES

MAUREEN GASPS We're here.

We're here!

Come swiftly.

We're here! We're waiting!

Maureen, it's the hotel fire alarm.

It's our saviours.

The electromagnetic shock wave from the impact

must have blown the electronic circuits

the length and breadth of the country.

We must hold fast to our prescribed course of action.

SHE WAILS

Maureen, when I advertised for fellow travellers on my website,

I requested people

who would remain calm in adversity.

Now, all of you, repeat after me.

Calm in adversity, ecstatic in salvation.

ALL: Calm in adversity, ecstatic in salvation.

Calm in adversity, ecstatic in salvation.

Calm in adversity,

ecstatic in salvation.

Now...

..take us.

And God help... everybody else.

ALARM WAILS

Ladies and gentlemen...

Please. Please stay calm. ALARM STOPS

Er, we've got every reason to believe

that this is a false alarm. GUESTS GROAN

Stay in the lobby, though, so we can check the rooms out

and clear the alarm. In the meantime,

I'm gonna have hotel staff pass amongst you,

just to tick your names off,

make sure that everyone's present and correct.

Thanks very much for your cooperation.

Now, this is interesting.

Listen.

I've been all over Europe with this team.

I have never seen my boys trea...

If you have something to say, say it in my office.

All present and correct,

except Mr Dovic, Clive Hocker, Anna and the six weirdos.

Right, well, Tony checked Clive into a suite,

so I'll go and give Mr Dovic a call.

I have. There's no answer.

Well, we both saw him check in, and he's not gone out, has he?

Shit!

Get the security to meet me in Mr Dovic's room pronto.

What about Anna and the pasty makers? Just do it!

Mr Dovic, it's the manager.

STRAINED GROANING

DOVIC MUTTERS

HE MUTTERS

Jesus! Tanya, you should have stayed at home.

It is him.

Tanya... Dragan Milandrokovic.

This man's name is Mr Dovic.

I was going to make him confess before I kill him.

Now, you can also hear.

HE MUTTERS

SHE SPEAKS CROATIAN

Tanya, this is not a way to get what you want.

HE GASPS

I am Mr Dovic.

I'm innocent!

I provide children.

I'm a building contractor. Please.

SHE SPEAKS CROATIAN

Innocent man does not plead for his life like this.

Tanya, even if this was who you thought it was,

you should have gone to the police.

What - and lose my visa for being troublemaker?

I ask you to help me, but you do nothing.

HE GRUNTS Tanya, look at me.

I need you to look at something very carefully now.

Jackie got this off the internet. It's a picture of Milandrokovic.

It's not the same man.

Please, really look at it closely.

I never forget his voice.

Two people can sound very similar. It was a long, long time ago.

Or his eyes.

You're mistaken.

Take all the time you need.

If we establish this alarm was caused by one of your players,

I will be writing to your chairman.

As will I, to report that this hotel

falls far short of the standards we are used to.

Your squad falls far short of the standard of behaviour

we expect of our guests.

I think you're forgetting who you're speaking to, Miss Mitchell.

I am speaking to an over-promoted hypocrite,

who screwed a married footballer in my hotel.

It's not what I'd call

the highest level of professionalism, Miss Stoll.

SHE SCOFFS

SHE SIGHS SMUGLY

I could sue you for a remark like that.

SHE GASPS

What is it you want?

I want you and your team out of my hotel.

Unless you want it leaked to the press

that you and your team were thrown out.

KNOCK AT DOOR Yes?

We're serving an early breakfast in the dining room now.

Excellent.

Breakfast, and then out.

Oh, and, er, six guests and Anna are still unaccounted for.

SHE GROANS

I'm so sorry, Charlie.

Take her downstairs.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Mr Dovic...

on behalf of the Hotel Babylon, I apologise profusely

for this horrendous incident,

and will, of course, be calling the police immediately.

No.

No police.

The bitch must have hit me when I was asleep.

Should have finished the job when I had the chance.

HE SIGHS

Oh, my God!

Anna?

Anna.

Anna!

Rebecca.

Please tell me no-one's dead.

My name...

is Adrian Tintagel.

I am ecstatic in my salvation.

I am at your service.

What did he say?

Something about being in your cervix.

Where am I?

Hotel Babylon.

That's not possible. The Earth...

Still very, very here.

The others?

Still unconscious.

You see, you weren't saved, Adrian.

No little green men are coming for you.

Unless, of course, they're wearing white coats, that is.

Enjoy your breakfast, sir.

Thanks.

Cheers.

Enjoy. Cheers.

I'll, er, sign your autograph book now, if you want.

Thanks, but it's full.

Right.

PLAYERS CHAT

RUMBLING

Well, Mr Tintagel,

I do hope that your next visit

is under slightly less apocalyptic circumstances.

Am I eligible for Air Miles on this card?

Well, yes, you are, sir, but only as far as Alpha Centauri.

After that, you're on your own.

You have my account ready?

Of course, sir.

Also, I'd like a taxi to take me to Heathrow.

There's a cab rank outside, sir.

Mm-hm. I'm sorry - what?

There is a cab rank outside.

No, I mean, I would like you to order me a taxi.

I'm afraid that's not gonna be possible, Mr...

Mr Milandrokovic.

I will have the number of your plastic surgeon, though.

We get all sorts in here who need help to... disappear.

PAPER RUSTLES

You!

Take my cases to the taxi. Leave 'em.

I'm sorry, sir.

Order him to take my cases to the taxi.

Or what?

Somebody take my cases to the taxi, NOW!

As manager of this hotel,

I demand that you make someone carry my cases to the taxi.

I can't do that, so I'm afraid

you're gonna have to carry them out yourself.

Tanya...

TRANSLATION:

TYRES SCREECH

CHARLIE: A famous pig once said,

"All men are equal, but some are more equal than others."

But it's precisely because it's always the pigs

who say stuff like that

that the rest of us shouldn't accept it.

RADIO COMMENTATOR: 'I can't believe this.

'The captain, David Osbourne, has just been sick on the touchline.

'Apart from Clive Hocker, who scored a tremendous goal,

'the United players have been on and off the pitch

'during this remarkable game.

'The manager Peter Yardley's job must surely be

'hanging by a thread...' No!

THEY LAUGH 'Oh, and look at that.

'Look at that. There are more players leaving the field

'and they're throwing up.

'And there's the whistle.

'It's 4-1 to the winners of the Conference League,

'and the Premiership giants are out of the cup.'

Revenge is, indeed, sweet.

Yeah, like a pina colada with a cherry-brandy chase, eh?

CHARLIE: 'I can't speak for staff at other hotels

'but here at Hotel Babylon, we'll put up with a lot.

'Like I said, just don't take the piss.

'And don't... make us angry.

'You know why.'

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