Original subtitles

REBECCA: 'The best hotels in the world all share one thing in common.

'They know how to cater to the guests' individual needs.

'Male or female,

'every guest that comes through our doors wants something different.'

BOTH: Good morning. Are you here for the conference?

Thank you, madam.

'On a night away from home,

'men and women will have vastly different expectations.

'Men will choose a hotel

'for the in-room entertainment that's on offer.

'If he can get a receipt for it, he'll claim it back on expenses.

'Women, on the other hand, look for more subtle pleasures.

'They come to relax.

'To shop for clothes, jewellery.

'In fact, the only thing that male and female guests have in common

'is they all expect a little privacy.'

Hey!

Code red, fifth floor. I'm giving chase.

Tony! Stop him! Stop where you are.

Call security.

Who's he?

Stop struggling, keep still. Need a hand with anything, boss?

Charlie! I think I'm on top of the situation.

What have we got here, then?

Pervert, paparazzi?

Ah. Private investigator.

Ah.

We recovered the camera, madam.

It was a private investigator,

so I suggest one of you calls home at your earliest convenience.

'How did he find out about us?

'It's not my husband, it's your bloody wife.'

As you can see, Charlie,

not much has changed since you've been away.

Glad to hear it.

CLAMOURING

Are you OK? Yes, I'm fine.

If you'd like to come this way, please.

'Sometimes when a guest checks in alone, they need protecting.

'Sometimes all they need is to be left in peace.

'And sometimes we end up wishing that's exactly what we'd done.'

Discretion.

I don't think I need to remind you all

as to how important a part of your job this is.

What goes on inside Hotel Babylon stays inside Hotel Babylon.

Theresa Evan is a guest in need of privacy,

and that is exactly what I've promised her.

I'm not usually interested in politics,

but her husband, he ride the hobby horse with another woman, yes?

Yep. Lap dancer. She just sold her story to the tabloids.

Not going to leave them alone. I've got a tenner says

this woman's out of politics within a week.

You're right. Sorry I'm late, Rebecca.

Charlie. Hey! Welcome back.

Legend.

We're all just very pleased to have you back in one piece, Charlie.

Hello. Hey, Anna.

Well, I must say it's great to be back, and, er,

I've actually missed you lot. He's lying.

Right, let's get back to business.

Theresa Evan's marriage is her business. No-one else's.

It's not our job to speculate, to gossip or take sides.

What I want to know is how the tabloids found out

that Theresa Evan is staying in the Hanging Garden suite.

I will assume that you're all looking at me because I'm pretty

and not because I'm a suspect.

The press are desperate to keep the story alive.

She's the most photogenic MP in the country.

Not gonna leave this golden couple alone.

They've been offering my chambermaids hundreds of pounds

to turn citizen paps. What does that mean?

When ordinary members of the public use their mobile phones

to capture pictures of celebrities. Oh, good God, the working classes

will do anything for money.

Oh, speaking of which, I saw Sophie Wessex on a waxing table last week.

Now, I could have made thousands.

Well, we all know the press will do anything to get a scoop.

It's our job to prevent that from happening.

Anyone you're even remotely suspicious of, stop and search.

Sorry. Sorry.

How are you? I'm good, you?

Good. I guess I'll be seeing you around the place, then.

How much morphine were you on when you dumped her?

I didn't dump her. Oh, she dumped you?

No. We called it a day. Want to talk about it?

I thought we just did. It's good to have you back, Charlie.

I'll be with you in one second.

SHE SHRIEKS I mean, good morning.

That's not Mrs Poldark, is it? Yes, it is. Hello again.

What's happened to your face? Where's Mr Poldark?

SHE GASPS He beat you up, didn't he?

Have you had to run away to escape his ugly and violent temper?

No, no. Nothing like that. I've just had a... You know.

Oh, you've had a nose job.

Look, um... I'm meeting my husband here

in a couple of days for our 20th wedding anniversary.

The nose is a surprise.

So all I need is a single room.

Couple of nights. You know, just while the bruising goes down.

Don't you worry, Mrs Poldark, it'll be our little secret.

Excuse me.

Have we met? Don't think so.

You got any idea who I am?

A not very good Lord Nelson impersonator?

I have to deliver these to very impatient guest,

so if you'll just excuse me.

Not so fast, pal.

There you go.

You're making a big mistake, you know?

Yeah, we normally throw the trash out the back door.

Give me that.

What's all that about? He's a journalist.

What you doing? Luke. Luke, John.

Are you the bloke who got shot?

No, I'm the manager who can see some cases cluttering up the lobby.

Oh. Sorry, boss.

He pass the initiation?

One day you will thank me for this.

SHOUTING

Yeah, he's a good lad. Older ladies love to flirt with him,

especially the oligarchs' wives. They flirt with me, too.

Yeah, but he's... you know, he's younger.

Um... ladies tend to like the older guy, more experienced.

Yeah, yeah, if you say so.

Your suite is on the seventh floor, Mr Barnes,

and can I just say that is a very bold hat.

Thank you, Ben.

Could they turn the gay dial down to a seven this morning?

Texan men love it when you compliment their hat,

it's like telling them they have a big dick.

OK, let's make it five.

CLAMOURING

I have absolutely nothing to say. I have nothing to say!

Leave me alone!

Isn't that what's-his-name?

You call security, I'll get Rebecca.

Where's the Hanging Garden suite? That's on the ninth floor, sir.

But I'm afraid it's occupied at the moment.

Yeah, apparently my wife's in there. No, stop him, Ben!

How? I don't know. Rugby tackle him?

Where did he go? Security are not answering.

Keep trying. Get them to meet us on the ninth floor ASAP.

Theresa! Open up!

Come on, this is ridiculous. We need to talk, open the door!

Step away from the door, Mr Evan. This is none of your business.

You are not a paying guest, and you have no right to be up here,

so, as manager of this hotel, yes, it is my business.

Look, I just want to talk to her.

Well, then come back downstairs to my office,

we'll phone her room and see if that can be arranged.

What took you? My wife is in this room.

I just... Look who it is.

Yes, it's him. It's that philandering MP.

Oh, for God's sake. Theresa, open the door.

This is not the way to handle this situation.

Why don't we go down to the bar, get you a drink?

Right.

It's OK, Mrs Evan, he's gone now.

Come in, please.

How did he get up here?

I'll tighten security at the main entrance.

And if it'll make you feel safer, I can move you to another suite.

Robert isn't a violent man, Miss Mitchell.

He's just a cheat and a liar.

If it's any consolation, I do know what you're going through right now.

Press are hounding you as well, are they?

Every detail of your private life splashed across the front pages?

Not exactly, but...

Well, I am currently going through a divorce.

I am sorry to hear that.

Any advice for the divorce virgin?

Keep busy. Sitting on your own thinking about

what's already happened doesn't change anything.

Where do you suggest I go?

I can't step foot outside without someone shoving a camera in my face.

Well, there's plenty to do around the hotel.

We have a health spa, treatment rooms, a bar.

Yes, I admit it doesn't sound that exciting.

PHONE RINGING

Sorry. Probably an update on how much

I'm embarrassing the government. Excuse me.

Yes, one minute, please. My mobile number is on there

just in case you don't want to go through switchboard.

Whatever you need, even if it's just someone to talk to.

Thank you, Miss Mitchell. Rebecca.

Hello? Yes, I did get your calls.

Mr Poldark, how nice to see you again.

Thank you, Charlie. I'll just check your reservation.

Well, that's strange. I don't seem to have you checking in till Friday.

A slight change of plan.

I'm meeting up with my wife for our anniversary,

but I needed to come to London a few days early

for a medical appointment.

Hair.

And Mrs Poldark, she's unaware of this medical appointment?

She's staying at her sister's. OK, well, let's see what we can do.

Ah! As luck would have it, we've just had a cancellation.

Gino. Is that what I think it is? Nobody saw a thing.

I was in and out of there like the Pink Panther.

The real one, not the rubbish remake.

Where you gonna hide it? Hiding?

No, I hang it with pride.

Good morning, Mr Poldark.

What's he doing here?

Like most guests checking into a hotel, he intends to stay the night.

I see that stray bullet didn't kill your razor sharp wit, Charlie.

He can't possibly stay here. Why not?

Mrs Poldark doesn't want Mr Poldark to know that she's had a nose job

before their anniversary weekend.

Well, Mr Poldark doesn't want Mrs Poldark to know that

he's had a hair transplant. It's a big hotel.

What are the chances of them running into each other?

Not much, except that Charlie, in his wisdom,

put Mr Poldark into the room next door to Mrs Poldark.

Thank you.

Mrs Poldark is a beautiful woman,

there's nothing wrong with her old nose.

Yeah, unless Mr Poldark told her that there was.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Blame the man for the woman's vanity.

So why does Poldark have hair transplants? That's vanity.

For men, it's different. I agree.

Different how? A full head of hair makes you feel

more powerful in the boardroom. SCOFFING

Look, we're going to just have to move one of them to another room.

Nah, it's too risky.

Plus, there aren't actually any other rooms available.

Then, if you want to keep them apart,

you're gonna have to bump one of them to another hotel.

I agree. Charlie, could you find alternative accommodation

for Mr Poldark, please? Not a chance.

Why should he have to leave? She was here first.

He's likely to spend more money in here than she is.

She's just undergone a traumatic surgical procedure.

So has he.

We are not moving Mrs Poldark, and that is our final word.

Well, how do you like this? We're not moving Mr Poldark.

We're gonna need a casting vote on this.

Not a woman. Not a man.

I have never been so insulted in my entire life.

Oh, of course you have, Ben.

Remember what that Dutch woman called you last week?

Look, if you want to get rid of one of them,

the only way to keep them apart is to lock them in their rooms.

HE HUFFS

Why was there an oil painting of Lord Oliver Burlington,

founding father of The Burlington Hotel, hanging in our canteen?

Well, they took our bar stool, so we took something of theirs.

An eye for a tooth.

You have no proof that The Burlington took our bar stool.

That's the problem with this country.

Always want the proof and evidence. I know I've been away for a while,

but why on earth would our rival hotel want to take our bar stools?

Romala. Who?

Romala was a kitchen porter, used to wash dishes at The Hendon,

but she left to wash dishes at The Chesterton instead.

She could wash 400 dishes one hour,

but they lure her away with clothes and jewellery.

Well, I'm confused. What does this have to do with us

and our bar stools? The chain that owns this hotel

recently bought out The Hendon. Times of conflict,

we have a sort of unspoken pact with them.

So we declare war on The Chesterton.

Only the chain that owns The Chesterton also owns The Burlington,

so they declared war on us.

You may recall a similar sequence of events being the catalyst

for World War One.

You guys have clearly got far too much time on your hands.

Rebecca, I suggest that we return the painting to The Burlington

and we call it truce. Not so fast, Charlie.

They took our bar stools first? Still got them.

We had to order in new ones. Right, well, until we get them back,

we're holding on to Old Man Burlington here.

They started it.

OK, so the pink area is the times where Mrs Poldark

has to be confined to her room, and the blue areas are the times

where Mr Poldark has to be confined to his room.

As long as everybody sticks to the timetable,

their paths should never cross.

Why do women have to organise everything?

Because left to men, it would never get done.

Right, who's allowed out tonight? She is.

She has a table booked in the restaurant at 8:30.

Which means you boys have to find a way to keep him in his room.

Unless, of course, you're not up to the challenge.

BOTH: Piece of cake.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hi, Miss Mitchell.

Mrs Evan, how can I help you?

Listen, I was thinking about what you were saying this morning,

and you're right, sitting around wallowing in self-pity

is not going to get me anywhere.

So how about you let me buy you a drink in the bar?

Well, that's very kind of you, Mrs Evan. But...

Theresa. Unless there's somewhere else you need to be?

Um... actually, no, there isn't.

'I would love to join you for a drink.'

Great.

Charlie! Mr Poldark. In-room entertainment.

I didn't order any.

Some of these films haven't even been released in the cinema yet.

Actually, I think I might wander down to the bar a bit later.

Of course, there are a few titles for the discerning gentleman

that are not even available on our in-house channels.

I think you'd better come in.

Your health. And yours.

We moved the last of the photographers on this afternoon.

You know, two years ago, I handcuffed myself

to a set of railings to protest against a bill.

It got two paragraphs on Page 17.

I remember that. You know, I admired you for doing that.

Yeah. Well, now my husband plays away with a lap dancer

and suddenly I'm a celebrity.

The press only pick on you because you're young, you're attractive,

and you're married to someone else in the public eye.

Yes, well. Not for much longer.

It's definitely over, then?

Two career-focused people can't live together.

It was similar with Mark and I. Two young, gorgeous single women.

Hear, hear!

Oh, God, I needed that. Same again?

Mm-hm.

Yes, you're right, Charlie. Getting romantically or sexually involved

with a work colleague is never a good idea.

Good night, Jackie. Night.

Go on, let me see it. The bullet hole, that is.

Why? I don't know.

I've just always had this thing about men with battle scars,

you know, stab wounds, broken nose. Except for scars across the throat,

cos that's just wrong. Go on, let me have a little peek.

You're weird. LAUGHTER

Thought Rebecca had gone home for the night.

To what? A single bed and decree nisi?

Stop.

You know, you and I, we should meet up some time

when all this fuss is blown over. You should come to my club.

I'll even recommend you for membership.

Oh, I'd love that. Look who's sitting over there.

What? Him with the girly hat,

he say, "These are for the most beautiful ladies in the bar."

No way. How very flattering.

I tell you, you are the only ladies in the bar.

All right. Thank you, Gino.

Which of us is he smiling at?

Well, you, of course.

He's very attractive.

I'd say he's rich with it.

Who am I kidding?

Why would someone like that want to get involved with

a woman in my situation?

Theresa, why does it always have to be about commitment?

Why can't it sometimes just be about enjoying the moment?

You think I should go for it? Mm, if you don't, I will.

Better move.

Maybe I should have a quiet word in her ear.

Something along the lines of, "Rebecca, you're drunk,

"and you're making a complete and utter tit out of yourself"?

A more subtle version of that.

I've never seen her like this before.

She probably hasn't been single since she was a teenager,

and now she's forgotten how to behave in social situations.

So perhaps I should go over there and give her the benefit

of my wisdom and point out exactly what she's doing wrong.

Don't be too long. OK.

Then again, you know, boss always knows best.

The Texan gentleman at the bar.

Ben checked him in this morning. The Olympia Suite. One second.

OK. It's Mr Barnes and his departure date is undecided.

Single or double occupancy?

You wanna know if there's a Mrs Barnes?

It's not really for me. It's for...

Your friend. Of course.

Your friend is in luck, Rebecca. Mr Barnes is staying alone.

Great. Another drink?

Is there something on your mind, Charlie?

No, not at all.

I'm just wondering how it might look,

the manager behaving like a guest.

Well, at this precise moment in time,

this hotel is your responsibility, not mine.

Discretion, Charlie. Never saw a thing.

See you tomorrow. Can I get you a car?

No, it's a lovely night. I think I'll walk. Oh!

Excuse me. Maybe the car's a good idea.

Thank you.

Scusi, signora.

Good morning.

Where's my statue? Don't look at me, I was off shift.

It was stolen some time between three and five o'clock this morning.

Only one group of people would perform such a brutal act.

The Burlington.

Now, maybe if we return the painting to The Burlington,

we can get our statue back. Don't be such a wimp, Charlie.

If they want a war, we'll give them a bloody war.

Are you OK, Rebecca? Yes. I'm fine.

It's just you seem a little bit under the weather this...

LEGS KICK UNDER TABLE

Here we go, Mr Barnes.

Sorry to hear that you're flying back to the ranch so soon,

but business is business, I suppose.

That's the way it looks.

Right, I am going to The Burlington and I am bringing our statue home.

I'm in. James?

To be brutally frank, I'm disappointed

they didn't steal them both. Always felt they made a gauche,

tacky statement about the establishment we're running.

You cowardly English tosspot. I beg your pardon?!

How are we gonna keep Mrs Poldark in her room all morning?

Anything the boys can do, we can do better.

There you are, sir. Hope to see again very soon.

If you just follow me.

Did you get home all right last night? Yes, thank you, Charlie.

And, erm... Sorry about my behaviour, it won't happen again.

Everyone's entitled to let their hair down once in a while.

Is he checking out already?

Perhaps your friend Mrs Evan might know a little more about that.

Here you go, sir. All set.

OK. Cough up.

My share from the tips. He didn't tip.

Yeah, do you know how I know you're lying? Texans always tip.

Just like the Japanese always bow. Part of their culture.

I swear on my life, Mr Barnes didn't give me a penny.

Barnes? What was his first name? Clifford.

Cliff Barnes. The oil baron.

I suppose Bobby, Sue Ellen and JR are checking in as well later (!)

Ah, yeah! So, what's all that about, then?

Someone pretending to be a Texan oil baron.

Shit.

Good morning.

Rebecca, hey, listen, I'm so sorry about leaving you alone

down there last night.

No, no. It was a good time to call it a night.

So, erm, did everything go well?

We sat up drinking and talking until late.

One thing led to another

and he finally crept back to his room

at five o'clock this morning.

GASPS

Sounds like you did have a good time. Well, you were right.

Thanks for encouraging me to do it.

No, don't be silly.

It's been a long time since I had an evening like that.

I'll see you later. Bye.

Rebecca, I need to talk to you about Mr Barnes.

I'm not gonna like hearing this, am I?

It's the fake sheik thing all over again.

The press love to dress up their reporters and send them into hotels.

To do what? Sleep with the guests?

Then, I take it Mrs Evan spent the night with him?

Well, that's her business. Not any more, it's not.

It's classic kiss and tell, I'm afraid.

All it takes is a slow news day, a whiff of scandal and then, boom,

this could be in the tabloids tomorrow. But nothing happened!

I mean, well, nothing that doesn't happen to half of our guests

every single night.

"Jilted MP has night of passion with hotel hunk."

I'd read it.

Oh!

This is all my fault, isn't it?

You weren't to know he was an undercover reporter.

Well, this is my hotel, it's my responsibility. I should never

have let it happen. You weren't exactly yourself last night.

Rebecca, this could reflect really badly on us.

I think it's important to let Mrs Evan know what the situation is

and then see which way she wants to go. No, no.

I got her into this, it's down to me to get her out of it.

Oh!

Miss Henson, I believe.

Have we met? Not face to face.

You and your newspaper outed

a very close personal friend of mine some years ago.

I do love a good outing. Who was he?

He was formerly in Her Majesty's service.

"Queen fires Queen." I remember it well.

I'm awfully sorry to inform you, madam,

but we don't seem to have a reservation for you this afternoon.

I am a guest of Rebecca Mitchell.

Really?

If you'd like to come this way.

DOOR BLEEPS

DOOR BLEEPS

There seems to be a problem with the microchip inside the lock,

Mrs Poldark, but we'll have you out of there in no time at all.

What are you two talking about?

Don't see how that's any of your business, Charlie.

Let her out.

DOOR BLEEPS

There we go, Mrs Poldark. About time, too!

Allow me to escort you to the gym. Thank you.

Jackie.

Erm... You got a second?

You and me, we're OK, aren't we?

Charlie, there is no you and me.

We agreed that wasn't gonna work out.

Mmm. You don't...

You don't find it, like, a little bit awkward?

Charlie, we're fine. I dunno, we're good friends.

I just want things to be how they used to be.

Working together. Having a bit of a laugh.

Yep. Me, too.

Now get out.

Miss Henson. I'm Rebecca Mitchell.

Clock's ticking, love. What's this all about?

Your journalists have been paying a particular interest

in one of my guests. That's what I pay them for.

Theresa Evan is a woman who's going through a very personal

and what should be private separation.

She doesn't need to be put under a spotlight right now.

Let's cut the bullshit, shall we? You set her up.

Did I? You sent in a bogus guest to seduce her

just so you could sell more newspapers.

You saw them together?

I saw them get into a lift together. That doesn't mean anything.

Thanks for that.

Member of the public gave me that story first thing this morning,

but now you've confirmed it, I think I'm gonna run it.

Let me see, now.

"Heartbroken MP performs rodeo on Texan billionaire."

We've even got the pictures. Hungry?

Luke, laundry deliveries around the back.

Not these ones. They're from The Burlington.

I slipped the driver a 20.

Good initiative.

Please, Miss Henson, I'm asking you nicely,

woman to woman. Number one,

I don't do all that sisterhood crap.

Number two, why isn't Theresa Evan down here herself?

Theresa doesn't know I'm talking to you.

She doesn't know we've got the story yet, does she?

All right, we'll play it your way.

What's it gonna take for you to not run that story?

A weekend stay, fully comped?

We have hotels in Paris, Milan.

I can arrange it, just name your price.

Get me an even bigger story

and I'll happily bury the Texan thing.

Story?

Someone like that doing something they shouldn't in a hotel room.

Now, you'd be the first to know about that, wouldn't you?

It really is a professional job.

I feel like a new man.

More energetic, more virile.

More horny.

Well, Mrs Poldark will be here first thing. Mmm.

What if I don't want to wait that long?

I mean, here I am,

a man staying all alone in a hotel room.

A man with certain needs, certain desires.

Mr Poldark, are you asking for what I think you're asking for?

'Are you gonna organise him some company or not?'

Usually I don't have a problem with this sort of thing.

I mean, a man checks into a hotel alone,

he's responsible for his own moral code.

If he's gonna cross that line,

he's gonna cross it with or without my help.

Yeah, but if Mr Poldark knew his wife was next door...

If nothing else, at least the hooker will keep him in his room.

OK.

Mrs Poldark. Do you, er, have any plans for this evening?

Hi, there. Ken Norris for Mrs...

Mrs, erm... Theobald?

Poldark. You're from the agency. I booked you.

Right. Theobald was the last old bird.

Mrs Poldark is expecting you for dinner

and light conversation in room 302.

Whatever you say, babe.

I'd better go to work. Wait.

Ooh. Posh one, eh?

OK. Go and do your stuff.

What's that all about?

The boys decided to arrange a prostitute... Shh!

..for Mr Poldark.

And I didn't want Mrs Poldark to be left out.

We haven't arranged a prostitute for Mr Poldark.

Don't try and deny it. I overheard you two talking.

Hm, eavesdropping. Something every woman is good at. Is it true?

No, it's not true. Not exactly.

Is there a problem, sir?

Actually, I was thinking of having an early night.

Well, then, we'll leave you both in peace.

Alone. Very, very alone.

'We figured Mr Poldark was having some temporary midlife crisis'

and would only regret his actions in the morning.

And we didn't want to jeopardise the Poldarks' happy marriage.

Could you, erm, excuse me for one...

Oh! Oh!

Sorry, I thought it might be room service.

I sent down for a glass of hot milk.

Right, I'll hurry that along for you, Mr Poldark.

Bye.

Good night.

Shit.

What's going on?

Luke managed to source uniforms from The Burlington.

We're going in undercover. Get our statue back where it belongs.

Don't feel bad, James.

When the men go to war, the women and children always get left behind!

As much as I disagree with your bloodthirsty quest for revenge,

this operation will never succeed without my military training.

You were in the army?

Catering corps.

Now, let's saddle up, men, and claim back what is rightfully ours.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Tanja, what are you doing in here?

More worryingly, what are you doing in Rebecca's dress?

She borrows them to me.

She's sending me to a party with Mr Chris Moyles. Party?

DOOR OPENS

Oh, Charlie. Erm...

Here we go. Here's the camera.

Right, Tanja, go to the bar, have a drink and mingle.

I'll come and find you and give you instructions in a bit.

Move to England, clean toilets, and then go to celebrity party.

They do not believe this back home!

Hope you're not planning what I think.

Charlie, I've kept more secrets about more celebrities

than I care to remember.

The actor locked in the wardrobe wearing the nappy.

The supermodel and the ketamine overdose.

The game show host and his six nieces.

You name it, I've turned a blind eye to it.

So you'll betray one guest to save another?

Well, if it comes down to it, yes.

I promised Theresa a safe haven and I let her down.

So you can disapprove of me all you like, Charlie,

but I'm afraid I have no other option.

If news gets out you're selling stories of the rich and famous,

they're gonna avoid this place like the plague.

Three months from now, we'll be completely empty.

So what would you do in my position?

Personally, I'd warn Mrs Evan

about the story they've got about her.

And lose a friend?

If it meant keeping the hotel's reputation for discretion,

absolutely.

Change of plan. No spying?

No party? Sorry, Tanja.

Oh, and I will need that dress back, too.

Now, I suggest we split into two teams.

Team A, this way.

Team B, this way.

Now let's synchronise watches.

WATCHES BEEP

And meet back here in 30 minutes.

Who made you Winston bloody Churchill?

Come on.

Becca, hi! Come in.

Can this wait? No, I'm afraid it can't.

Look, I know you're gonna blame me personally for this, Theresa,

and you've got every right to,

but please believe me when I say I didn't knowingly betray you.

PHONE RINGS What are you talking about?

The press have got a story about you.

There's no such thing as an exclusive.

No, no. If you want the interview, you can pay just like everyone else.

Yeah. See you at three o'clock, then.

I believe you've met Robert. Hello.

Glad it's in better circumstances this time.

What's going on? Oh, come off it, Rebecca.

You didn't really think I'm stupid enough to fall for a honey trap,

did you?

We set the whole thing up ourselves. It was all my husband's idea.

We stage the photos and sell them to the press.

I have to say, it was rather fun, actually.

You set this whole thing up?

You never even had an affair in the first place, did you? No.

I love my wife. Why would I cheat on her?

Mmm. Especially when you can pay a lap dancer

to sell any story you like.

Throw in a couple of saucy texts from Robert's mobile,

and suddenly the whole thing's true.

Then everything you said to me in the bar...

Well, obviously I couldn't tell you what was really going on.

Look, I needed someone to witness us leaving the bar,

just in case the press asked any questions.

And I have to say, you played your part very well, Rebecca.

Really, thank you.

What do you think you're gonna get out of this?

Well, about another week's publicity, a dozen interviews,

a book launch, magazine spread, and fingers crossed,

our own chat show.

And your careers? Your politics?

No-one cares about politics. This is the real world, Rebecca.

If you're not in the papers, you may as well not exist.

Which reminds me, we must tip them off about tomorrow.

Why, what's happening tomorrow?

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

Please, please. My wife has a statement, thank you.

Robert and I have decided to put the past behind us

and to give our marriage another go.

That's all we have to say, thank you.

Don't forget to mention the second honeymoon in the Maldives.

Now, do you really think they're gonna follow us all that way?

Put you in the right bikini, they'll be there.

What do you think, Rebecca? Do you think I should go topless?

Just in case?

Look, I've gotta get dressed, sneak out the back way.

I'll see you in the morning.

Mmm. Can't wait, darling!

Bye-bye.

Listen, we really should meet up for a drink some time,

but let me make it up to you. I'll tell you what I'll do,

I'll give you my mobile number.

I really don't get that much time off, Mrs Evan.

Ben.

WILD WEST-STYLE MUSIC

WILD WEST-STYLE MUSIC CONTINUES

Charlie, is it me, or are we short-staffed this morning?

Tony, Gino, Ben, James and Luke haven't turned up yet.

I'll phone around, see if I can track them down. Thank you.

You might want to take a look at this as well.

She ran the story.

It's just what they wanted. Sorry?

How on Earth did they get a picture from a ninth floor balcony?

I guess we'll never know, will we, Charlie?

I need to speak to Maria Henson. Rebecca, what's happening here?

Oh, my God.

Still no word from Tony or any of the lads?

Quite pathetic, really, the Home Guard waiting

for the real men to return back from war.

Anna, you know when I was shot and I thought I was dying,

the one person I really thought about was you.

Really?

Yeah. I had nightmares for weeks.

I'm gonna go and put an end to all this.

Take that to The Burlington, mate, quick as you can.

Keep the change.

And, er, give them that, will you?

Oh, God, I don't know what came over me.

I've been faithful my entire life.

Maybe I just thought a new nose would make me a new person.

It doesn't, does it?

I didn't think there was anything wrong with the old Mrs Poldark.

I'm sorry, but if Mr Poldark didn't appreciate that...

I didn't have the surgery for my husband, I had it for myself.

Oh. Jack would love me with two noses.

I'm going to have to tell him, aren't I? Er...

Aw.

Look, from my experience, men are a bit of a simple species.

Sometimes, what they don't know can't hurt them.

So, that's you checked out of room 301

and checked in to the Olympia Suite

with Mrs Poldark. She's not here already, is she?

Not to my knowledge. I'm sure she's not a million miles away, though.

Thanks, Charlie.

For everything. It's a pleasure.

I hope that you and Mrs Poldark have an eventful anniversary.

Oh, I think we'll just lock ourselves in the room

for a couple of days.

Mrs Poldark! Yes.

Your husband is waiting in reception.

Oh, good. Good. He must have just got here.

Yes. Of course, he can't see you coming down in the lift,

so I've got an alternative route for you down to reception.

If you'd like to follow me. Yeah.

Hurry up. Move!

Chop, chop, Mrs Poldark!

SHE WHISTLES

Yes! Right, in you get.

You're holding us up there, aren't you?

Darling! Look at your hair.

Mwah!

It's magnificent.

You look fantastic.

Oh!

Oh, so do you.

Well, I think that we handled that situation particularly well.

You just had a married guest seduced by a male escort

whilst her husband was asleep across the hall.

God, men can be so pedantic.

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

Hello, darling. Hi.

You look gorgeous. Thank you.

Ready? Yes, OK.

This way, my darlings.

Do you know, the world is absolutely dying to know

how you two got together!

Hmph. But nothing actually happened?

First rule of tabloid journalism.

People believe what they want to believe.

I owe you one. I hate being played for a sucker.

REPORTERS CLAMOURING OUTSIDE

Are you ready?

Let's make headlines!

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

OK, don't panic. It's just a setback.

Setback? It's a bloody disaster.

We trust you had a pleasant stay, Mrs Evan.

Reception are preparing your final bill now.

And on behalf of all the staff here at Hotel Babylon,

we wish you both a pleasant onward journey.

'Guests staying away from their partners

'are always a lot more work than they ought to be.

'The best two words a hotel can hear when making a reservation,

'"Mr and Mrs."

'Married couples are always most welcome.

'They treat a hotel like a happy home.

'They're courteous, they're quiet,

'and they're always on their best behaviour.'

Little shit!

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

What are you doing? Are you mad?!

'Well, almost always.'

Don't you say a word.

Now, remember what we agreed.

We never ever speak of what happened at The Burlington last night.

Fall out.

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