All language subtitles for Going Dutch s01e08 Trial of Jan.eng

Let's go.

- Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares�

Are you in.

And �Going Dutch�

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've
seen on the base.

Let's go,
let's go.

All available now.

[band music]

All right. What the hell?

Captain, what are these Dutch
civilian workers doin'?

It's like they're doin' nothin'.

Exactly, it is the
Dutch art form

of niksen, which is the art
of doing nothing.

The Dutch really have it all
figured out.

- Incoming!
- Oh.

Sorry. I love this niksen thing.

It's just the mental health
break I needed.

- Seriously.
- Okay.

You suck at hacky sack, colonel.

But that's good for
my mental health. Bye-bye.

Dutch laziness thing is a virus,

and it's now spreading
to my soldiers.

It's gotta be stopped.
Major, get on that.

Change an entire country's
work ethic.

- I'm on it.
- No, we're gonna have to, okay?

I need to get this base to the
point where it's 100% American.

Not every place
should be America.

That attitude is why you won't
be speaking at my funeral.

What the hell is this?

[Jan] Oh, hi, colonel,
your aura right now

is red and orange
and pulsing. Boy!

Is my Dutch translator
high at work?

No, but I was high because
I was at a rave all night.

But I'm coming down very slowly.

Too slowly. So I'm just trying
to hoop it all out.

Oh, I can't believe
I get to say this.

- What?
- You're fired! Oh, my God.

This must be what it
feels like to do cocaine,

'cause my whole
body is tingling right now.

If you want to find out,
I know just the right person.

Sir, you can't fire him.

All Dutch citizens
employed for over three years

are basically tenured.

[grunts]
Let me tell you something, pal.

I don't know how, I don't know
when, but I do know why.

You are everything that's wrong
with this culture,

so when I can your ass,
all of these

Dutch workers
are gonna learn a lesson.

- Okay.
- What-what, what're you doing?

Why are you still hooping?

Because I already did the crime,

so I might as well
enjoy my time.

I'll see you later, colonel.

[theme music]

[Patrick] Look at them enjoying
the sun like total psychos.

- [Abraham] Colonel?
- Yeah?

Pulled an all-nighter

and an all-afternooner to become

an expert in Dutch labor law,

and I regret to inform
you that it's almost impossible

to fire someone
in the Netherlands.

Even a substandard employee
gets three strikes.

And then I can fire
his Dutch ass?

Uh, you actually have
to hire a mediator.

I don't know,
Jan's Hula Drug Binge,

that was only a second strike.

Wait till you hear how
many sick days they get.

- Unlimited.
- I thought that was a typo.

That's crazy. How many sick days
did you take last year?

Zero. Yeah, I love
America and DayQuil.

- Mm-hmm.
- Ew.

How many days off do
these Dutch deadbeats need?

I mean, don't they know nothing
is more important than work?

I mean, nothing.

Dad, when you say

"Nothing is more important
than work,"

I am the nothing
in that sentence.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of people
into kitchen artwork,

and beach houses

would say that family is more
important than work.

Unlike you, the Dutch understand
a work-life balance.

Okay. Let's not go crazy here.

Let's remember work
is the engine

that keeps our nation running
and I'm not gonna let

these Dutch lay-abouts rub their
stinky cheese all over that.

I'm gonna wait for Jan to screw
up one more time,

and then I'm gonna nail his
hairless hide to the wall.

Not this wall, 'cause that's
my General Patton wall.

[band music]

Come on.

[Jan] No, no, wait.
[B.A.] Jan, look out.

[Jan] Get out of the way, dummy.

- Are you severely hurt?
- [grunts]

- Um, I don't know. [exhales]
- Don't worry about it.

We'll have a doctor look at you.

Well, look what we have here.

You just ran over
an American soldier.

Strike three.

Got you, bitch.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, name? Mm-hmm.

- Name, please.
- Hello, I am Hendrik.

I'm, uh, to lead
the mediation for Jan.

It's funny, but I must
be in the wrong room.

No, no, no. Hendrik.
You are the judge.

You are right on time.
We've been waiting for you.

No, I'm-I'm not the judge.

I'm Hendrik, the mediator?

Why do you have an audience?

Oh, uh, this is the colonel,
and he made attendance

compulsory for all
Dutch employees.

Yeah, you can't really have
a courtroom trial

without some murmuring,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, but it's not a
trial, it's a mediation.

I know, but I thought
we'd jazz it up with

a little American
razzmatazz, you know.

You ever see A Few Good Men?

Of course. It's uh, peak Sorkin.

Yeah, it's a great movie
with a timeless message.

- Yeah. Speaking truth to power.
- No, no, no.

That's not the message,
the message is keeping

the code reds at a distance
and probably making sure

you have a separate guy to
handle the code reds.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.
You're still in charge.

And you get to use one of these.

- Oh, an American law hammer.
- It's your American law hammer.

- Oh, I like that.
- Yeah.

- And thank you, sir.
- You're welcome.

- Oh...
- That guy looks like a Viking.

Why did you give him
that hammer?

- Now he's Thor.
- [all murmuring]

[instrumental music]

You don't think this
is a bit much?

His methods may be
unconventional,

but he really inspires people
to work hard.

I mean, look at me,
I spent all night

prepping for this case,
and you can't even tell.

- Your eye's twitching.
- Your eye's twitching.

Well, Jan is late
for his own trial.

How very Dutch of him.

Where is he,
that Scandinavian twink?

Hello, everyone!

Wait, wow. [giggles]

Is everyone here for me? Well,
isn't life just a spectacle.

Ooh, I'm a big fan of runways,
you know.

You're wearing that shirt,
by the way.

Let the trial of Jan begin.

- [loud clack]
- [people exclaim]

Ladies and gentlemen, I think
we all know why we're here.

It is because I'm
quite the character, yes?

No, no, you are lazy
and incompetent.

It's these insane
Dutch labor laws that require

three strikes before
termination.

Strike one, six months ago when
Jan turned a broom closet

into his own personal steam
room. We had to burn the towel.

Strike two, we had to burn
the hula hoop.

Jan's third strike came
yesterday when he recklessly

and with malice, drove his bike
into Private B.A.

That's not what happened
at all, Mr. Colonel.

- Really? Enlighten me.
- Yes.

The only reason I hit

private dummy is because
he is a dummy.

I was just riding around

you know, enjoying the
attention of the sun,

when he walked in front of me.

Flailing around
without looking.

I tried to stop in time,
but I couldn't.

But I cannot blame him
because he has been failed

by the third world
American education system.

He does not know
that in this country,

bicycles always have
the right of way.

All he understands
is American cars

and the "beep beep, honk honk."

[chuckles] I'm done talking.

Your Honor,
Jan has just admitted

to hitting the victim.

And all Jan has to say

for himself
is "beep beep, honk honk."

I repeat, ladies and gentlemen,
"beep beep, honk... honk."

[people murmuring]

Wow, that's good.

Captain Maggie, do you think
you could help me?

Jan, I'm not a lawyer.

Yes, but you are the only one
who can speak up to him.

[Maggie] Well, he's insane.
I wish I could help.

First, they came after
the hula hoopers,

and you did not speak up
because you were not a hooper.

Then they came
for the trade unionists-

No, no, no.
I'm stopping you there. Stop.

- That was inappropriate? Yeah.
- That's awful. Yeah, don't.

Okay. I'm just not
very good at defending myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think
it's time for you to say

goodbye to your precious
families.

Because I'm about
to introduce a concept

that we call in America,
"overtime."

- [murmuring]
- [Patrick] Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Scared murmur's the best kind.

If you're not going to do this
for me, do it for all

the Dutch mamas and papas
who work here at Stroopsdorf.

And the tiny little
Dutch children

in their tiny little
wooden shoes.

[scoffs]

- I object!
- To the murmurs?

I found the, uh,
hushed whispers appropriate.

- And who are you?
- I'm Captain Margaret Quinn.

Colonel Quinn's daughter,
and Jan's new defense lawyer.

[people exclaim]

[instrumental music]

[clicking pen]

Americans are so good
at razzmajazz.

[Maggie] Jan,
what's your last name?

It's one of life's
mysteries, isn't it?

Yes, yep.

Captain, I would like to
formally join your law firm.

This trial seems fun as hell,

and you know I love
committing to the bit.

- Do you know anything about law?
- Yes.

I grew up watching reruns of
Law and Order every night.

So, always two lawyers,
one who talks,

one who slides them papers.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's true.

I wanna slide you papers.

Fine.

- [clacks]
- This is an open and shut case.

There are only two witnesses
to the crime.

The perpetrator and the victim.

So, you have to ask yourself,
who can you trust?

I recall to the stand, Jan.

- What?
- Let's go.

Jan, my associate has, uh,
handed me a file

with some troubling
information of you.

Would you like to tell me
what these are?

Oh, yes, this is just my request
for paternity leave,

and... that's my other request
for paternity leave.

So, you took two fully paid

paternity leaves
in a four month period.

Your Honor, I'm no expert at
the female reproductive system.

But this is obvious fraud.

And if this man would lie about
the sanctity of fatherhood,

he could lie about anything.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Captain?

Jan, are you familiar with
the term polycule?

Yes, I am.

A polycule is when three
or more people

are connected in an intimate
relationship.

My polycule is me,

my wife Maaike,
and her girlfriend Renate.

Who is this guy?
Got his own Manson family?

Yeah, he's the one
with the weird family.

- What?
- It is possible for you

to lawfully take two

paternity leaves
within six months.

Oh, God, yes. First, I fathered
a child with my wife Maaike.

And I took full paternity leave.

Then three months later,

my wife's girlfriend Renate

gave birth
to her boyfriend's child,

and again, I took full
paternity leave.

All above board.

In fact, my entire family

is right here
to support me today.

[Patrick] Uh, objection,
Your Honor.

He's having sex
with multiple women,

and he's some kind
of a bigamist.

No, so I'm going to stop
you right there, colonel.

Um, I'm not sleeping with
either of them. Oh, no, colonel.

My sexual proclivities
are far more challenging

and complicated than
this simple arrangement.

[blows kiss] Take that.

Yes, Renate's always so hungry.

Uh, Your Honor,
I-I need a ten-minute-

- Fifteen.
- Fifteen-minute recess.

I need to walk this off.

[band music]

Private B.A., thank you
for being here today.

Please, tell us what happened
on that fateful day.

I was working out
at the gym. Leg day.

And after that, I saw
Jan riding at me.

There you have it,
ladies and gentlemen.

Who are you gonna trust?

A dirty, filthy liar?

Or an American hero
devoted to fitness?

Your witness, captain.

- B.A.-
- You gotta let me question him.

I know B.A. better than anyone,

I can crack open his melon-head

and suck out the truth juice.

Okay.

Be cool.

I wouldn't do it any other way.

B.A. is lying!

He was never at the gym,
and I can prove it.

I knew there was somethin'
fishy about his story.

I went to the gym,
and I talked to the guy

that owns the gym
or runs the gym.

I don't know what it is.

He told me, "The leg machine
had been broken for days."

If he wasn't able to squat...

well, justice must be sought.

[people murmur]

Bro, we promised we wouldn't
keep secrets from each other.

We pinkie promised, Your Honor.

I guess that doesn't mean
anything anymore.

I guess a man's pinkie
isn't his bond anymore.

I am lying, okay?

I'm covering something up,
something really, really,

really big.

Blew the damn face wide open!

- I object, Your Honor.
- To what?

To the fact that this is really
bad for our case.

If you guys want the truth,
you have to ask Conway.

- She was there.
- [all gasp]

A third witness?

Okay, fine, y'all got me.
I was there.

- Ha.
- Okay, we get the idea.

All right, Conway, now that
you're done lying to everybody,

you want to tell us
what really happened?

We were filming a TikTok.

I've turned B.A. into
a minor celebrity in Malaysia.

He's known
as "Leather Pants Man."

People just love to watch
him dance in leather pants.

And they really love it
when it's hot outside.

I don't get it,
but I'm makin' a ton of money

getting him to advertise
for a local soda

that has nicotine in it.

Why would you hide that from me?

I would love a soda with
nicotine in it.

Because we knew you would
wanna join in.

- And you're a terrible dancer.
- [people murmur]

[Elias] That evidence
is false and defamatory.

Here is my rebuttal.
Jan, give me a beat!

- Mm-mm.
- Yes.

- [Elias] Jan, please.
- Mm-mm...

? Papadakis, drop it ?

[beat-boxing]

Oh, your honor, I would like
to enter into evidence

"Leather Pants Man's"
latest video,

which I like to call,
The Smoking Gun.

[all] Ooh.

[music on TV]

- [Jan on TV] Get out of the way!
- Ah!

- Oh!
- Aye, aye, aye.

[Patrick] Hmm, I guess

now would be the time
for a lesser man to gloat.

- Oh, is this not gloating?
- Oh, no, no, no.

This is not gloating.

This... is gloating.

Bye-bye, Jan.

Once we win this case,
we're gonna take Stroopsdorf

right back to the days
when work came number one.

- Remember that?
- How could I not?

Working that hard
caused my separation.

You know, my wife actually
named you in our divorce.

I know. I thought that was
really nice of her.

We will reconvene
tomorrow morning.

After that,
I will make my decision.

But it is not looking
super good for Jan.

[banging]

[band music]

Maggie, tell Jan I'm sorry,
but I had to post it.

- It was internet gold.
- It's fine.

- [somber music]
- Oh, little ones, don't worry.

Papa will just be home
more, okay?

There just won't be
as much food on the table.

However... Renate will always
have enough to eat, yes?

Everything will be fine.

[Abraham] Thanks for meeting me.

The colonel can't know
that I'm helping you.

I just feel so guilty about
blowin' up your case.

- Mm.
- You know, last time I took

a day off, it was the day my
wife filed for divorce.

Your father said, and I quote,

"You have 24 hours
to suck it up."

Yeah, he said that to me
when I got my period.

But look, there's no
helping us, okay?

It's over. Jan clearly
ran into B.A.-

- Video can't show everything.
- What are you talking about?

Okay, the colonel's
American agenda started

the day he set foot
on Stroopsdorf.

Follow the money.

- "Follow the money?"
- Follow the money.

- Do you think I'm a gumshoe?
- Just tru- "Gumshoe?" What is-

Why don't you actually
just take the stand

and say all the things
that you know in your brain?

Well, then I'd have to tell the
truth, and then the colonel

couldn't be mad
at me for telling the truth.

He couldn't punish me for
telling the truth.

So then I think we both win it.

- [thud]
- Wait, you heard that?

Look, my dad's crazy,
but he's not like crazy.

He's not like stalking
you in the night.

[Abraham] Yeah, I'm just
being paranoid.

[band music]

Your Honor, I would like to call
Major Abraham Shah to the stand.

[people murmuring]

I'd like to call Major Shah
to the stand.

Your Honor, Major Shah
is taking a vacation day.

I ordered him to attend
a local spa,

so he will not
be appearing today.

- [harp music]
- Okay.

Do you wanna see where
the creek leads?

I do want to see
where the creek leads.

It led to bunnies.
It led to bunnies.

Objection. The colonel
is clearly trying to prevent

a key witness from testifying.

Overruled. The major's entitled
to a vacation

if that's all you've got, captain.

I'm ready to give
my, uh, ruling.

[people exclaims]

[tense music]

I have one more witness.

Colonel Patrick Quinn.

- [people exclaims]
- [Patrick] My God.

Even I'm murmuring now.

[clears throat]

Maggie, are you sure
you wanna do this?

Calling your dad to the stand
could have like...

- real consequences.
- I know.

Shah was going to testify
to my dad's involvement,

and now that he can't...

All right, Shah said
"follow the money."

Look, if you really wanna follow
the money, you should get

behind me. The nicotine soda
industry has deep pockets.

Go to the office and get all
of the financial documents.

Okay. I will do that.

- Ah...
- I will do that.

Oh, my God, these base bike

shares are gettin' real janky.

[clanking]

- [Dana] God.
- [band music]

Your Honor, permission to treat
the witness as hostile.

But he hasn't said anything yet.

She's right.
I'm gonna be hostile.

Can you state your name, rank,

and favorite reality show
for the court?

Might I remind you,
you are under oath.

Colonel Patrick Quinn,
"90 Day Fianc�."

I love when the uggo wants
the green card,

'cause then they've
gotta get creative.

Sir, am I correct in saying
you've never taken a day off?

I believe in protecting
America's freedom 24/7, 365.

Major Shah isn't a fan
of vacation days either.

Strange he would take a day off
during such an important trial.

I can only imagine he'll hate it
as much as I would,

because he's a red-blooded
American male.

- [harp music]
- Best day of my life!

? Uh, this is the best day
of my life ?

Sir, is it fair to say
that you hate Jan?

No. I wouldn't lend him a hand

if he was drowning
in a bathtub of lube

at one of his own
deviant orgies.

I don't hate Jan.

But you think it's ridiculous
that he puts

his family before work,
do you not?

I think he's getting cucked

six ways to Sunday, yes.

Ooh, Well, that's just
one piece of my sexual puzzle.

[scoffs] But it's
a corner piece.

[Maggie] Sir, would you prefer
he worked non-stop

and became a terrible father.

Like, say, you?

[people murmuring]

Why are they murmuring?
That's not murmurable.

You don't have to answer
that question.

No, no.
I'll answer, Your Honor.

If I was such a terrible father,

why did you turn out
the way you did?

High school valedictorian,

West Point graduate,
hell of a fake lawyer.

I think having a father with
such a strong work ethic

allowed you to achieve
the things you have.

- You want credit for my success.
- I think I'm entitled.

- You must be proud of me.
- I did the job.

- Are you proud of me?
- I did the job.

- Answer the question!
- I'm very proud of you!

[people gasps]

That felt good.

Almost as good as I imagined it.

Your Honor, she tricked me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

What does this have to do with
the bike accident?

Nothing. I was just stalling
until I got these.

This is the base's budget the
year before you took command.

The amount allotted toward

base bike share repair
is 20,000 euro.

This is the budget after
you took command.

Do you care to share
with the court how much

money you allotted toward...

- bicycle repair?
- Zero euros.

Earlier, my client testified.

I tried to stop in time,
but I couldn't.

Therefore, colonel, Jan's brakes
were faulty due to your

very American budget cuts
on this Dutch base.

We all saw the video
with our own eyes.

You can throw all the numbers
you want at it,

but we still know what we saw.

You're right. That's why
I'm gonna need you to ride this.

[people gasping and murmuring]

Your Honor,
I would like to enter

Jan's bicycle into evidence.

I will definitely allow this.

We just need you to reach

Jan's alleged speed
at the time of the crash.

Pump the brakes and stop.

Not a problem.

- [band music]
- Seems to work pretty good.

- Ah! Ah, stupid bikes.
- [people gasps and laughs]

- Oh, yes!
- Ooh...

Jan's brakes failed,

and that's why
the accident happened.

The colonel's gross
negligence towards

bike repair was the cause.

- I rest my case.
- Yeah. I have reached a verdict.

Uh, Jan is not guilty
of this third strike,

and his employment continues
indefinitely.

[all cheering and applauding]

- We did it!
- Yes.

- Oh, wow.
- [Elias] We did it.

- Nice job.
- Oh...

So you're proud of me?

Listen, I just gave you one

that's gonna tide you over
till my deathbed.

Ha ha ha!

- This is Charlie. Yeah.
- Wow.

He likes yoga, nature walks.

Gotta say, a work-life balance
looks good on you.

You know, actually, I thought
about taking another

day off in six months.

And look at this guy over here.

Just trying niksen.

It's nice doing nothin',
huh, dad?

I'm doing something.

I'm making a list of my enemies.

Okay, well, you've been silent
for like ten minutes.

It's a long list.

[children] It's going so well.

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