All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything s04e16 Time.eng

(Dynamic music)

?

(Text on screen)

(Astrid): When you have kids,

older parents love to tell you,
"They grow up so fast."

(James): Blech.

It's like the only thing
older parents say.

(Astrid chuckles)

(tender music)

But that's because it's true.

(Astrid): They're born,
then suddenly talking,

then getting their ears pierced.

(James): Before you know it,

they smell weird and make
confusing choices.

(Astrid): I read that 80 percent
of the total time

you will spend with your kid
in their entire life

is over before the age of 12.

- What's the baby's name?
- Minerva, sweetheart.

Say hi.
- I like the name Lily.

Hi, Lily.
- Hmm.

We're sticking with Minerva.

(Astrid): Minerva.

Minnie. Ah.
- Mm-hmm.

- Nerva. No.

I'm forcing it.
Nicknames will come.

- I will say, Minerva is
a lot fancier than Corey.

- Well, I hardly think
Coreyander is a plain name.

- Corey's full name
is Coreyander?

(Bo): Mm-hmm.
(Corey): It's European.

(Morris): I'm hung-y.
- If we don't eat lunch soon,

we're gonna forget about it
and then we'll all be mean.

- But I'm not done
visiting Lily.

- She doesn't even know
you're here.

(baby cooing)
- She does, too.

(Felix): No, she doesn't Viv.
(Viv): Yes, she does.

(Astrid): There's another
expression that parents use,

"The years are short,
but the days are long."

(baby crying)
(Felix): You're not hungry, you're hangry.

(Viv): No, I'm not!

(Felix): Just listen
to yourself, you're so hangry.

(Viv): I'm not hangry!

(rhythmic music)

- I don't understand.
- Well, we swapped those two

because this one starts earlier
and I can do that this week.

- Okay.

So, this Saturday
is the only day

we all have free
'til summer's over?

(James): That appears
to be true.

- Let's do one awesome,

memorable family activity,
as a whole family.

- Yeah, can you think
of a single memorable thing

that all three children enjoy?
- Sure!

- Mm-hmm.

- Riding an elephant.

Ice cream... festival.
- Okay.

Can we think of something that
all three children will enjoy,

that is in the city and exists?

(Astrid exhales)

(Viv): No!

(Felix): Stop being
a butt-munch!

(Viv): Give it back!
- Nope. You're not getting this.

You're not gonna get it.
(Viv): Stop!

(Astrid): Okay, stop.

(James): Hey.
- Disengage.

- Viv drew a picture of me
being stabbed by an alligator.

- And Felix won't give it back!

- Okay, don't draw mean
pictures anymore.

And where did you learn
the word "butt-munch?"

- Oh, Jimmy Millions.
It's my favourite podcast.

Here, check this out.

(Jimmy): He's getting
out of his car.

He's pulling something
out of his pocket.

(Bibble): What is it?

(electronic sound effects)

(Jimmy): Quick!

- Okay, Felix, turn that off.

I don't know what they're doing.
But here's what we're doing,

something fun together
this weekend as a family.

(kids groan)

Hey, put those groans
back in your mouths!

We have one free day this summer

so we're gonna do
something fun together.

- I don't want to-ah.
I wanna go outside-ah.

- Yes, so do we.
Some of the most fun stuff

happens outside of this house,
believe it or not.

- Good-ah.

- Okay, get ready
for school-ah, okay?

Felix, you too.
I'm leaving in ten minutes.

(James): Easy, easy.
All right, get outta here.

Okay, come on, you heard Mommy.
Let's go.

(podcast resumes)

(soft music)

- I got my ear pierced again.

Dad, I got another piercing.

- What?

- I said Felix farted on me.

- Oh, uh, tell him
not to do that.

- No, it was funny.
I just wanted you to know.

(rhythmic music)

- Okay, the last of the yarn
is on its way to Gero's.

- And we are officially
done in Bo's basement.

- Hey, did you book
your summer vacation yet?

- Ugh, what vacation?
It's a week.

I didn't even get
the same week Astrid got.

You?
- Hmm. Not yet.

But Zinnia hasn't had a drop
of friggin' alcohol

in nine months, so we're about
to drink our friggin' faces off

all the way through Europe.
- Hmm.

(Corey): You guys, guess where
I'm going for the summer?

Robotics camp.
I have a girlfriend there.

- Yeah.
- Huh.

- I did not know he was there.

Did I say anything
a child shouldn't hear?

- You said "frig" a bunch.
A weird amount of times.

(Corey): Oh, my girlfriend just
sent me a really funny text.

- Going through Europe,
without a destination?

Just like going?
That's the dream.

Just like, travelling on a whim.

- Whim is my compass.
- Did you make that up?

(Ennis): It's from a song.
- Oh.

- Gentlemen...

Time is money.
Spend it on family.

- That's very good advice.

- It's the name
of my lecture series,

based on my essay
about working less

and focusing on family.

- Just, you are focusing
on family though, right?

Because it kinda sounds like
you're starting a new business.

(phone chimes)
- James, I won't make that same mistake again.

- Oh, my God. Dad, look.

My girlfriend just
sent me a poem.

(Bo): Oh, my God,
that's so wond...

(phone buzzes)
- Right?

- SlowBo Enterprises.
Bo speaking.

- But the po...
Dad, did you see?

- President of Gero's
wants to see us.

- Frig.

(Astrid): Dawn. Hello, hello.
(Dawn): Hi.

- Listen, I really can't stay.

Yeah, we've overbooked
the entire summer.

So, we only have a day

where we can all hang out
as an entire family,

so I have to find a fun activity
for us to do on Saturday.

- Now Astrid, what kind of
activity are you looking for?

- I don't know, I was thinking

maybe a picnic
by the Humber River?

- A river?
- Oh, watch out for snakes,

ticks, and that invasive fish
that secretes poison.

And bring a frisbee.

- You know the company
that throws that Halloween party

that I invite you to every year?
- Nope.

- Well, they're doing
an immersive

Alice in Wonderland experience.
Foods, costumes, rides.

It's not to my taste, but your
river family would love it.

- Oh, would we, Dawn?

Would our simple brains
enjoy a chance...

Oh, my God, this looks amazing.
Yeah, we'll do this.

- So, where's Marla?

- I don't know, she told us
to meet her here.

Look, she's gonna want us
to work on the weekend.

I can't do that.
I need your help just

backing her off
on that idea, okay?

- Okay, I'll definitely
give it a shot.

Hopefully she's in
a reasonable mood.

(horn honks loudly)

- Welcome to my mobile office.

- Congratulations, Marla.

You finally made it
to the iron throne.

Okay, just here you go.
- Oh.

- That's from both of us,
by the way.

- No, it is not.
- Thank you.

I have spent my entire life
clawing my way to the top.

And now, I finally get to do
what I've always dreamed of.

Start a family.

- Oh, Marla, that's amazing.
- I'm so happy for you.

- I didn't know you
wanted to do that.

- Of businesses.

- Right.
- There it is.

- Gero's is the mommy.
GoBo is the first born.

I want more children.

Dry cleaners, pharmaceuticals,
a pro rugby team.

I want a list of business
babies on my desk by Monday.

- Oh, now Marla,
it's Friday, so.

- So, you want us
to find you a bakery to buy?

- No, no, Ennis.
- Yes! Exactly.

Catch up, James.
- Yeah, James, ketchup...

...factory, eh?
Ha, ha!

- Big list, on my desk, Monday.

(James): I'm up!
Thank you for letting me sleep, my family.

(Morris): Dad.
- But did you finish your work?

- Ah, yes, I found
a candy store,

an auto repair shop,
and an indie record label

for Gero's to swallow up.

I'm good.
- Great.

That means that our super fun
family activity day can begin.

(kids): Yeah!

- Okay, can anyone guess
what we might be doing?

- Going to school?
- No, it's the weekend.

- Paintball?
- No.

- The zoo?
- No.

(Older Viv): Are we going
to the concert?

(Astrid): No.

- Fireworks?
(Astrid): Nope.

- I can't do any of that.
I'm hanging out with Maya.

- You mean,
making out with Maya.

(kissing sounds)
- No. No.

(Older Viv giggles)
I'm not.

(Viv): Are we getting a dog?
Are we getting two dogs?

- No, no.

Okay, it's better than that.
Let me tell you.

We are going to Alice's
Immersive Wonderland Experience.

It's like a big carnival.

There's rollercoasters,
there's cotton candy,

there's twirly bits.
- There's a rollercoaster?

- Can we please go to this?

- Yes!
- That's, yep,

that's what we're doing.
- Just said that.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ready to get immersed?

(kids cheer)

(narrator): Welcome to Alice's
Immersive Wonderland!

(cheery music)

(music winds down)

- This is like if "yikes"
was a place.

- Okay, well, let's just
give it a minute.

Maybe it'll be fun.

- Welcome to Wonderland!

I'm late! Chase me.

- We would very much
like our money back.

- No, no, but you don't
understand, I'm very, very late.

I'm not even close
to being on time. Look!

- Where's the rides?

- Well, the best ride of all

is the one in your imagination.

Second best, piggyback ride.
Hop on!

- No, don't.
Hey, back off. Just...

- What? Ah, my timepiece!
(object clattering)

- Is this from "Star Wars?"

(synthetic organ music)

(Astrid): Guys, come on.
(James): Okay, oh my goodness.

Guys, guys, guys.

- Welcome to Alice's
cotton candy stand.

I am the Mad Hatter.
- In what way?

- That doesn't matter.
This stuff looks good. Tell us about it.

- I've been making artisan
cotton candy

for 28 years next year.

- So, 27 years.
- Yes.

- What flavours do you have?

- I have sundried tomato
and thyme,

lovage, egg, and plain.

- Egg cotton candy.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'll try the plain, please.

Thank you.

It tastes like a t-shirt.

- It's very hard to do.

(White Rabbit): Ooh!
(James): Oh.

- Time is running out!
- Oh, no.

? Time is running out,
tick-tick ?

(Astrid): Okay. Just, okay.

- Even for the kids,
it'll come for you.

- Come on, guys,
let's get outta here.

- Time is running out!
(James): Easy, easy.

(White Rabbit): For all of us!
- I said, get outta here.

- Wanna go to the tea party?
- Get outta here! Get out!

- Oh, I love it!

Why don't you come
to the tea party?

It's far away!
We gotta take a bus!

But there's snacks!

- Oh no!
My surfing trip is ruined.

- I was a fool to believe

there was a magical thing
we'd all enjoy.

A fool, James.

- Remember when we could just
go someplace on a whim?

- God, when we just got
in the car and we drove

to the West Coast to visit
your mom in Tofino?

- Yes. That was so fun.
(Astrid sighs)

Hmm, little complicated
'cause I haven't seen my mom

since she left me
when I was six.

- And then, on the way back,

you caught that bunny
with your bare hands.

Reggie?
- Yes, Reggie!

- Oh, Reggie, baby.

(both cooing)

- Ah, being in a car
with you was just so fun.

- You know what?
I'm not giving up on today.

We're together,
that's all we need.

Let's do something simple.

- Yeah, we did this
last time, remember?

We um, invented a whole
board game with the necklaces.

- "What The Neck?"
(James): Yeah, "What The Neck?"

Everybody loved
"What The Neck?"

- Well, what the neck
are we waiting for?

- Yeah!

(all cheer)

(Astrid): What the neck!

So, I get a red necklace,
and that puts me in the lead.

Ha, ha. Viv, your turn.

- First randomizer, six.
- Six.

- Morris randomizer is a six!

Queen of Hearts!
- Yes!

- Now what happens?
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

- Oh.

(Morris): I'mma pick
another one.

(Felix): Well, hold on a minute.

Queen, 12 means something.

- Right, yes, it does.
- Yes. It does.

(Astrid): Okay, so if the middle
bowl has more blue...

- Right.

(Morris coos)

- How about while we play

we listen to some
Jimmy Millions?

(Jimmy): Do you see this?

(Bibble): Is it like this one?

(Jimmy): Yes, but now
it's one of these.

(electronic sound effects)

- Felix, we can't.

No one understands
what's happening.

- The sounds are
different things.

- Okay, so...

(James): Viv, Viv, honey.

- Guys, come on. Everyone
pay attention to our fun.

(James): Come on, listen to Mom.
(doorbell chimes)

(Astrid): Mom,
is everything okay?

(Nisha): These are
the instructions for my plants.

- Why am I taking care
of your plants?

Where are you going?
- I'm working.

I told you this.

- Uh, no you didn't.

- Remember?
Your friend Bethany

with the green eyes
and the cool tattoo?

Well, her mother started
a clinic in Iqaluit,

and they need nurses.

- So, you're moving
to the Arctic?

- No, not moving,
just going for a while.

With all my stuff. To live.

- Mom, you can't just zip off
to a new geographical region.

- Why not?
All my friends have adventures.

Losing their feet, or,
or burning their faces off.

- You want a face burning story?

- I want my own story to tell.

I wanna see the Northern Lights.

Anyway, I leave
in a couple of weeks!

- Wait, Mom, no you can't

because you have
to watch the kids

the first week of summer.
We don't have camp.

- You never asked me to do this.

- Well, I was supposed to,
Mom, quite honestly.

- Well, honestly,
I would have said no.

My flight's booked.
I leave in a couple of weeks.

I'm really excited.

(tender music plays)

- Yeah, they're,
they're lucky to have you, Mom.

We'll figure it out.
- Yes. Yes, you will.

Aw.

(James): Ah, look, I can enroll
Viv in bread camp this week.

Different loaf every day.
- Ovens in the summer, James?

That's a bad idea.

(Viv): Mom, Dad, come quick!

- Yeah, one second!

- Okay, I think I can move

Felix's skateboarding
thing up here,

but Morris' play camp
is across town.

- You know what? I think
I can get this week off.

- Okay, but Marla only
gave you one week.

It doesn't line up with my week.
- One sec.

(call rings)

- Hey, buddy.

- Ennis, have you booked
your week yet?

I need your week.
- Ooh.

- What do you mean, "ooh?"

- We just booked
the week off work.

We're going to Ireland.
Forget Europe.

- Ireland is in Europe, buddy.
(Ennis): Sure, sure, sure.

We were at an Irish pub
trying to see

who had the worst Irish accent

and we decided to let
the Irish decide.

(bad accent): I'm Oppenheimer.

Here's me hat.

(bad accent): Have you
ever tipped a ewe?

(normal): That's a sheep.
Hi, James.

- Isn't she the best?

- I'm very happy for you, buddy.
I'll see you on Monday.

- Oh, see you. Bye!

- Ta, ta!
(Ennis giggles)

That's British.
- That's fine, it worked.

(Viv): Mom, Dad, come quick!

- What's up, guys?
You figure out a new game?

- Queens mean exchange
necklace with someone.

- Yes!
- Yes, and Kings mean

you switch places on the board.

- I did that
all the time with Mommy.

- You did!
You were my nemesis.

(chuckling)
Okay, I want my revenge.

Okay, let's do it.
- First of all,

these go over here,
and these go over here.

- And the rock!
- Rock has to go in the forest.

(overlapping chatter)

- I think we could probably
push bedtime

a little later tonight.
(kids): Yes!

- And what do you wanna eat?
Do you wanna eat that quiche?

Or I was thinking, hmm,
here's an idea, pizza?

(kids): Pizza! Pizza!

- Pizza! Pizza!
- Okay, James, go, go, go.

- Here we go.
(Felix): Got the red one.

- Oh, Queen of Spades.

- Ooh, okay, so that means

I have to switch
necklaces with Viv.

- What the neck?
(James laughs)

- Ugh, Viv has a bug!
(Viv): No, I don't!

- Wait, what? Felix.
- What do you mean

she has a bug?
- Behind your ear.

I just saw it.
(Viv growls)

(Astrid): Let me see,
let me see, let me see.

What do you mean, there's a bug?
- I don't have one. See, Mommy? Look!

(gasps)
- James, she has a tick.

- She got it from that
Wonderland nightmare.

- Lyme disease.
Anaplasmosis.

Relapse fever?
Sounds like that comes back.

(James): The doctor said the
tick wasn't in her long enough.

- Doctors say all kinds
of stupid stuff, James.

"Drink eight glasses
of water per day.

Get eight hours of sleep."

What, is eight
the magic health number?

That game was so fun.
- I know.

- I wanna play it again.
In the fall I guess?

- Mm-hmm.

(Astrid, echoing): Can you
believe my mom's leaving?

She didn't say anything before.

Did she mention anything to you?

(soft music)

James, is this
a new kind of spiral?

Or what's, what's happening?
James?

(Astrid, normal voice):
James?

- Whoa!

(sighs)

- I wanna drive across
the country with you again

and I wanna take the kids.

- For spring break?
- No, now.

I wanna take you
and I wanna take the kids,

and I wanna drive
across country.

- What, what about our jobs?
And school?

And being trapped in a van
with our children for weeks?

- Maybe months.

- Months?

(gasps)
What?

How would we even afford that,
especially if we're not working?

James, that's insane.

- Yes, it is insane.
It is absolutely insane.

But there's never gonna be
a perfect time to do this.

And right now,
we are having a hard time

fitting our family
into our schedule.

- Okay, and all our other
issues, we just... ignore

and quietly worry
about at night?

- As we do. I mean,
we're gonna worry anyway.

Might as well do it under
the Northern Lights.

- Or the Rocky Mountains.
- Oh.

(Dr. Wagner): It's not Rocky
Mountain Fever.

- Uh...
(Dr. Wagner): Hi.

I have antibiotics for Viv.

- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Okay, thank you.

- Um, wait, how often does
she have to take these?

- Only once.

And honestly,
it's just precautionary.

So, sorry to keep you waiting.

(Astrid): As older parents say,
"The time goes by so quickly."

If you look back
to the beginning,

you can't believe
how fast it's gone.

(James): You mark time
by the firsts.

First words, first steps,
first loose tooth.

But you can't know
when it's the last time.

(Astrid): The last time
you hold hands.

The last time you pick them up.

The last time you put them
to bed.

The last time you all
fit on one couch.

(James): Your kids slowly
grow up, one last at a time.

(Astrid): So, even though
there's lots of studies,

and research, and pithy posts
about parenting...

(James): You might have
to ignore it all

and go with your gut.

(Astrid): And what about
the study that I started with?

Do kids make you less happy?
Or more happy?

(James): Well, for us,
it's kind of both.

Less happy, more happy.
More scattered, more frustrated.

(Astrid): More scared?
More grounded, more proud.

More connected.

More... life.

(James): So, no knock on anyone
who doesn't want kids.

We don't blame you.

(Astrid): Maybe you wanna
focus on your career.

(James): Or maybe it doesn't
fit your lifestyle.

(Astrid): But if you do
have kids,

whether it's one or lots.

Whether you and your partner
have lots of resources.

(James): Or you're a single
parent busting your butt

to make it work.

Kids will take the life
you had and utterly ruin it.

(Astrid): And then replace it
with a life

that's more full of...
everything.

? You are here ?

? And so am I ?

? Maybe millions of people ?

? Go by ?

? But they all disappear ?

? From view ?

? And I only have eyes ?

? For you ?

(? I Only Have Eyes For You ?
by The Flamingos)

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