Original subtitles

Party, you Chiquita banana, you.

Hi, y'all.

Don't you look pretty.

I mean, nice.

Colonel, usuwa tawumbe.

Dean Davenport, I didn't see you come in.

Welcome to the Wayne Halloween party.

Who am I, who am I?

Call me Angela Davis.

I'd rather call you a hairdresser.

Well, with elections just around the corner,

and the country in the mess that it is in,

I thought we could forego glamour

and get the message out the best way we can.

Hear, hear!

How? By looking like the ghost of Freddie past?

Whitley is right. It's high time brothers wake up,

stop trying to control our minds and bodies.

Oh, boy.

This is the year of the woman.

Oh, please. Every year is the year of the woman.

I'm tired of hearing you broads complaining.

What did you say, buttercup?

We are not broads.

We are not babes.

We are not honeys.

We are women.

We want equality, we want dignity, we want respect.

? Don't break it ?

? Took your mama nine months to make it ?

They get my respect.

? To make it ?

? Shake it, don't break it� ?

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me Come what may ?

? Come what may ?

? I realize that I'm ready ?

? I'm ready ?

? 'Cause I finally heard them say ?

? I heard them say ?

- ? It's a different world ? ? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? A different world ?

? Now, here's our chance to make it ?

? Here's our chance ?

? If we focus on our goal ?

? Focus on our goal ?

? If you dish it We can take it ?

? We can take it ?

? Just remember that you've been told ?

? That it's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from, yeah ?

Sugar, you have a good time?

Come on, baby. Your silence is louder than your voice.

I'm sorry.

For what?

For whatever it was that I did that made you mad.

You don't even know, do you?

How many guesses do I get?

You are insensitive and sloshed.

I'm slishy slashy sloshed.

That's right, I'm sloshed.

This wig is giving me a headache.

This election is giving me a headache.

It's sound bites, mud-slinging, and a media circus.

You hear more about Hillary and Barbara than the issues.

One of which is women's rights.

Here we go. Year of the woman.

You have no idea what we go through.

If you can't stand heat, get out the kitchen.

That's exactly what we're trying to do, Mr. Man.

We're trying to get out of a man's world.

Come and help me with this couch.

Yeah, yeah.

If you're so tired of living in a man's world,

how come all it is we ever do is talk about women's problems?

Huh? Huh?

Come on, Whit.

You can stay home, go to work.

Have kids, don't have kids.

If something goes wrong,

nobody gets mad if a woman breaks down and cries.

Well, women cry because they live in a world

where men run them ragged.

Rub my feet.

You know what? I give up. You're right, as usual.

And I'm sorry, as usual.

I don't want you to be sorry, Dwayne.

I want you to understand.

I got an idea.

How about you be the man, okay?

And I will be the woman, all right?

Year of the woman, year of the woman.

You try running things for a while.

No, better yet, you rub my dogs.

Rub them dogs there. You try running things.

The woman year, the woman year�

Why don't you all try to run things?

You see how you like it, if you running things,

'cause you ain't never ran nothing.

? Hail to the chief, who in triumph advances, ?

? Honour'd and blessed be the evergreen pine! ?

Well, President Mush, the stock market is down,

the gross national product is down,

and your popularity is way down.

Don't you have anything up to report?

Well, President Mush, the unemployment rate is up,

the national deficit is up,

and your husband's popularity is way up.

I'm proud to know the nation loves and respects the first husband.

- Mm. But that's an ugly man. - Yes.

Madame President.

What now, Vice President Quack?

Great news.

I am talking to your wife, the Vice President.

That upstart Texas billionaire, Rose Godot?

- Mm-hm? - She's dropped out of the race.

Yippee, yippee, yippee, yippee, yippee!

? She's the yellow rose of Texas ?

? She's the only one for me ?

? Her eyes are bright and shiny Just like a Christmas tree ?

But more than anything,

I want to make my position crystal clear to the American people.

Yes, I was running.

No, I'm not running.

Yes, I will stay on the ballot.

No, I did not have a change of heart.

Yes, these are my real ears.

And, no, I cannot stand the kind of yes-women

that keep this country in a no-win situation.

Rose Godot is out!

Jill, this means we have a chance.

We?

Hilliard, Hilliard, Hilliard.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I'm sorry, Jill. I keep forgetting.

- I mean you have a chance. - Right.

I'm the candidate, Jill Blinton.

And who are you, buttercup?

Hilliard Blinton, the happy husband.

That's right, now go get me some coffee.

This is supposed to be the year of the man.

I do not intend to check my brain at The White House door.

Blah, blah, blah.

Listen, we all remember the Male Liberation Movement

back in the '70s,

when you were all burning your little jockstraps.

All right, and what did that get you?

Exactly. Okay?

My job is to get your wife elected,

and the recent polls show that you are hurting this campaign.

Are you saying my IQ Is standing in her way?

The Governor's got enough problems

with the press harping on you dodging those Girl Scouts.

Oh, please.

I was young. I didn't agree with the cookie drives,

but I have nothing against the girls that served.

I know. Coffee!

Forget it. This Godot thing, honey, it's a whole new ball game.

The newspapers, networks,

everybody's gonna be waiting to hear your opinion.

Good, then maybe-

I said her opinion, not yours.

Train him!

What if they want to ask me questions?

Well, then, darling,

you simply practice the art of saying nothing, okay?

Let's give it a try, shall we?

What are you going to say when they ask you your opinion of kids today?

- Well, kids, that's my favorite subject. - Okay.

- Because kids are cute� - I love it.

- �and they deserve all our attention. - Very good.

Because one out of every five kids is living in poverty.

- Ten million kids- - Whoa, buddy.

Put on the brakes. Hold it, okay?

I said kids, not issues.

Migraine, I'm getting a migraine. Okay.

Come over here and sit down.

We're going to practice your gazing.

Okay�

No, a little less intelligence, more adoration.

Show the wedding ring.

Okay, what did I say about thinking?

Those glasses have got to go.

Someone needs a haircut-

What did I tell you about staying backstage?

You almost ruined us on Arsenio.

Yes, I've withdrawn from the race.

No, I do not intend to change my mind.

Yes, I could reverse myself.

No, I do not think my behavior is confusing,

because when I say yes, I mean yes,

most of the time.

And when I say no, I mean no, with very few exceptions.

Pee-Wee, turn that thing off.

I thought it's a man's prerogative to change his mind.

We're waiting for you, Godot.

Why did she do this to us?

? Who is the Mac? It's gotta be, give it up ?

? Shut your mouth ?

We're waiting for you, Johnny Weed.

Did I have a night last night!

Let me tell you, I think this is the one.

You say that every week.

But this one's different. I think she really respects me.

They won't respect you if you keep sleeping with them.

But this one loves me, and I mean all over.

Uh-huh.

I can tell her husband doesn't understand. That I can tell.

I don't mean to be bragging,

but she holds a very high-ranking political office.

Well, the higher they go, the lower you go.

But this one's worth beaucoup bucks.

I've got the tape recordings to prove it.

I just love the sound of her voice when she calls me buttercup.

"Hi, buttercup."

I don't want to mention names,

but Governor Jill Blinton, she gets my vote.

? And when the cat's away ?

? You know the mice will play the blues ?

? Yeah! ?

Okay! Okay!

All right, already.

Shut up, the blues.

A lounge singer, Jill?

You betrayed our marriage vows for a tramp in a pinkie ring?

He was paid off by The Daily Inquisitor. Why don't you believe me?

Maybe because it's not the first time.

I can't believe you compare yourself to some meaningless encounter.

How many times does it take to discover something is meaningless?

Don't smoke. It's bad for your image.

I'm not inhaling.

Look, I know you're angry right now, and I'm sorry,

- but I really, really need you, buttercup. - Oh.

I really need you.

Booyah, yeah, welcome to USTN: Uncle Sam's Television Network.

We here to get you an up-close and personal look

at presidential hopeful Jill Blinton and her husband, Hilliard.

Yo, Governor Blinton, peep this:

now, according to a recent poll,

14% of registered voters

said they wouldn't elect a candidate who's had an extramarital affair.

Well, if my math serves me correctly,

that means that 86% of the American public

wants to only deal with the issues.

Wait a minute.

There's this brother named, Johnny Weed� Yeah.

He says he knows you really well.

And we want to know how well you know him.

Johnny, Johnny�

Johnny Weed. Yeah.

Familiar acquaintance.

Wait. You ain't denying it?

Deny it.

Uh, uh, oh�

Kiss your wife.

Wait a minute. Mr. Blinton, you ain't denying it either?

Deny it!

I'm not sitting here as some little man

standing behind my wife.

I love her and honor what we've been through,

and if that's not enough, then�

Heck, don't vote for her.

What?

That's all for this week, but, yo!

Tune in on Sunday when we interview Clarence Thomas for the first time

since the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Anita Hill.

Booyah!

I'm so sorry, Hilliard.

I don't want sorry. I want you to understand.

Show the wedding ring.

- Shut up! - You're ruining everything.

Johnny Weed.

I thought you got rid of him.

I tried.

Polyester floats.

Gentlemen and ladies,

former presidential candidate, Patty Buchanan.

I want to welcome you

to our national convention

on behalf of my close�

and personal friend�

God!

God is feeling threatened today�

and she has good reason.

For there's a serpent

slitherin' towards The White House�

Now, sure�

Jill Blinton is our official candidate

but the real snake is her husband�

Yes, it is.

�a man that believes in radical machoism.

Oh, Lord!

Men in the military.

He even believes that happy people

should have the same rights as the rest of us.

The gall of him!

Let me give it to you plainly.

- Give it to us. - Mm-hm.

People aren't born happy. Happiness is a choice.

Preach on.

? The wrong choice! ?

? The Blinton choice ?

Oh, yeah.

? Who's the man? ?

? The wrong choice� ?

Unlike Hilliard Blinton, I love being a father and a husband.

And, unlike Hilliard, I'm not afraid of wearing an apron.

Thank you, Patty Buchanan.

Now, I may be feisty as the dickens,

but I'm not running, no, no�

and neither is Hilliard running, no.

No, we leave those politics to the womenfolk.

And speaking of women, let me introduce my wife,

a president who could be called anything but bush league�

Ms. Georgia Mush!

Come on, Georgia.

Come on, let's hear it!

Thank you, Bob.

Isn't my Bob the best?

You know, people, I said it last time�

but I mean it this time.

No� new� taxes!

Amen.

Read my lipstick.

Who do you trust?

Me.

? My country 'tis of thee ?

? Sweet land of liberty ?

? Of thee I sing� ?

Testing, one, two. Testing�

Is this the presidential debate?

It is but you can't have a chair unless you're a candidate.

I'm Rose Godot. I'm on the ballot in all 50 states.

We only have two chairs.

That's all right. Brought my own.

So you're running?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Focus on the economy, that's her weak point,

- and remember, the key word is "change." - Change.

Go sit down.

Focus on her weak point, character,

- and remember, the key word is "trust." - Trust.

Okay, Mr. Mush, have a seat over there.

Okay. All right.

- Hello,. How are you? - Good luck, honey.

Hello.

Hello.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Cut the nice guy act. I'm not voting for you.

Well, I'm not running.

You could have fooled me.

I don't mind it from women, it's how they're brought up.

But when a man attacks another man-

You'll get used to it.

When you're a political husband, you do what you have to.

I've done everything I can.

I've learned to be silent, be seen and not heard,

I've learned to smile, gaze, barbecue.

The only thing radical about me is how much I've changed.

I swore I wouldn't do this.

Here, here.

It's okay, Hilliard.

Listen, you have to learn to turn it off and on.

I don't want to turn it on and off.

It's okay.

Oh, Mr. Mush.

- Thank you, Bob. - Yes.

- Good luck to you, too, Blinton. - Thank you.

? There's no business like show business ?

? Like no business I know� ?

Gentlemen and ladies,

welcome to the presidential debate,

sponsored by the League of Men Voters.

May I present our candidates:

President Georgia Mush.

Governor Jill Blinton.

And Rose Godot.

No, no. Wait a minute. What is Rose Godot doing here?

I'm on the ballot.

It's howdy doody time.

How come she gets the throne?

I'm a billionaire.

Speaking of billions,

the only billions our president knows about are in the national deficit.

Well, why don't we take a moment and discuss your expertise

in domestic affairs?

No, no, no, no. Hold up. Stop yelling.

These ears are sensitive.

What about the economy?

What about your character?

What about my billions?

Trust! We need trust!

- Change! - Money!

- Trust! - Change!

Money!

? Trust in me in all you do ?

? Have faith in me, like I have for you ?

? Love will see us through, If you'll just� ?

? Change! ?

? I can change, you can change, Change can change� ?

Can I have some change?

? Change� ?

? I got money, it's what the people want ?

? Money is what they need ?

? Trust and change don't mean a thing ?

? If they got mouths to feed ?

? Trust is what the people want ?

? Money is what they need ?

- ? Trust and change don't mean a thing ? - ? Oh, yeah ?

? If they got mouths to feed ?

Stop! Stop!

Focus on the issues!

Stop!

You have to focus on the issues.

You have to focus on the issues.

Stop! Stop this.

Stop, please!

Focus on the issues.

Focus on the issues.

Focus on the issues.

Focus on the issues.

Dwayne? Dwayne, wake up.

Oh, wow.

I had the weirdest dream.

And I have the worst hangover.

Baby, I dreamt that I was a man but I was a woman.

Excuse me?

And women were running the country and everything was a mess.

That is not the way it would be

if women were running the country, thank you very much.

No, wait. And you had an affair with Ron.

And you tried to hide it from me.

If I had an affair with Ron, I'd hide it from everybody.

Baby, you are missing my point, totally.

During the election, my opinion didn't count.

They didn't want me to be intelligent. I was seen and not heard.

They were treating me like a-

Like a woman, Dwayne?

Well, wake up.

I think I just did.

Well, hallelujah.

Wait. Not till after you shave.

I'll shave after I get my sugar,

if you don't mind.

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