Original subtitles

- If every Schmect automobile� - Mmm-hmm.

�every Schmect automobile is equipped with a driver's side

- and a passenger side air bag, for Velma. - Mmm.

But why would I need an air bag for Velma?

No problem. I can have anything removed.

Well, you ought to start by removing yourself.

- Cold. - Life as a car salesman.

It doesn't get any worse than this.

Hey, man, look at the bright side, at least you're keeping

the makers of cheap suits employed.

Yesterday, I was kicked and bitten by children.

I had a little old lady fall asleep during the test drive.

And then two of my customers actually came back and bought cars.

What's so bad about that?

I was on my lunch break.

The other salesmen got the commission.

Ron�

By the way, could you loan me a $50 till I sell my first car?

No, I don't think I'mma live that long.

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me, come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready, yeah ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it, we can take it ?

? Hey, just remember That you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? Yeah, than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

Phew.

Hey, you sell your first car yet?

No. Most unscrupulous business in the world.

I should be good at it.

You know, I can sympathize.

I'm on pins and needles waiting on my med school acceptances.

Oh, you'll get in.

Your first day in med school,

your dissection partner will probably be some Phi Beta Kappa brother from Howard.

You guys will look at each other over the cadaver and it will be love.

He'll have everything.

Except his own car.

Aw�

But, but you'll have your very own that you purchased

from your good friend Ron Johnson�

�and at a discount price-

Ron, Ron, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, uh, go away.

Whitley.

- Back, Cadillac man, back. - Uh�

The mail came late today, so I brought yours.

- Oh, great. - There's one in there

from Cheswick University.

Oh, Cheswick, that's my last choice.

Wish those others would get here.

Oh, come on, Kimberly. It's destiny.

When you were born, the doctor slapped you on your behind and said,

"See you in OR."

Cheswick rejected me.

Let me see this.

There must be some mistake.

Your M-CAT is in the top 5%, you're a straight "A" student,

and you got a glowing recommendation from me.

Yeah. What about my letter?

I told them you was a whiz with the cleaver.

And every Schmect car is equipped with dual air bags

to protect the one you love.

Isn't that right, Mr. Schmect?

I just lost my partner in life last month.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Why don't we step into the office and work out the figures?

Right over here.

Easy mark, the bereaved.

Yes, sir, Mr. Schmect.

Don't screw it up.

Thank you.

You know, uh, I, myself, recently just suffered a loss,

but the purchase of a new automobile is a great way to ease the pain.

Don't buy Schmect's cars!

Don't buy Schmect's cars!

Hey, hey, hey!

Figures you'd be working here.

What is this all about?

Don't you read a paper?

Your boss, Mr. Schmect, owns a line of shoe stores

and they're making dog boots.

What's wrong with a boot made for a dog?

They are not made for dogs, they are made of dogs.

Don't buy Schmect's cars!

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Shut up, you lunatics!

Can't you see I'm in the middle of a sale?

Excuse me, she's just some kook I know from college.

Her parents dropped a lot of acid.

Why don't we just fill out the purchase order here?

Yogi would never forgive me.

Yogi?

My better half, my only friend. My beagle.

I'd shoot myself in the foot before I'd buy a car from here.

Well, then you should join us, my brother.

On to the service bay!

Save the dogs!

Wait a minute!

I'll throw in a free CD.

How about a puppy?

Ah, welcome to Schmect Motors.

I'm, uh, Ron Johnson, at your service, and you are?

Lennox Baylor.

Oh, lovely name.

How did you hear about us, Lennox?

I realize because I'm relatively young, there's a tendency towards familiarity.

I prefer Ms. Baylor.

I hear you.

Just sold a car to Gloria Steinem last week.

Sorry for the faux pas, Ms. Baylor.

It happens to me every day in the business world.

It's the price one pays for graduating Harvard at 19.

I could tell at first glance that you are a woman of distinction.

Oh, the convertible, it's much prettier

than its picture in The Wall Street Journal.

Do you read the Journal?

Every morning. Yeah.

My broker is my alarm clock.

A man after my own heart.

And your business.

Any questions about the, uh, car, just ask.

What effect does the three-way catalytic converter

have on the lockup torque converter, given that the V-6 is supercharged?

These seats? Oh-ho!

These seats are made by the leading orthopedist Dr. Mellman.

I'm excited� about this car.

May I test drive?

Oh, sure, uh, let me just get the keys and we'll go.

If you don't mind, I prefer to be one with the machine.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Mr. Schmect insists

that we accompany the customer on the test drive,

but I'll tell you, I'll just duck here in the back,

I'll get low and quiet. You won't even know I'm in the car.

- You just drive. - Yes, yes, yes.

But the car will know.

The car will know?

Well, Ms. Baylor, wait�

Would, uh�

Would holding the keys to my father's Mercedes

make you feel more secure?

Mercedes?

The 500 SL parked out at the curb.

Just under 90 grand.

Have a nice test drive.

Watch those speed bumps on your way out.

Hour-and-a-half.

Congratulations, Johnson.

You sold the convertible to that mourner, didn't you?

How long you been with us now, Ron?

- Uh� - It is Ron, isn't it?

Yeah. This is my fourth day, Mr. Schmect.

Fourth day, first sale.

You know, when I was on the floor,

it only took me one day to make my first sale,

but then again, who's like me?

- Nobody I know, sir. - Yeah.

Well, let me look at that purchase order. I'm gonna frame it for you.

- Purchase order? - Yeah.

You did take money for the car, didn't you?

Well, actually, I didn't sell the car, Mr. Schmect.

The guy had lousy credit.

Could you believe he bounced a check at the funeral?

Can you picture it?

Where's the convertible?

Bill. Bill Wilson.

Bill Wilson took a customer out for a test drive-

I fired Bill Wilson this morning, Johnson.

Where the hell is that car?

It's in good hands, Mr. Shmecht.

Actually, it's in a Harvard graduate's hands,

and I have the keys to her father's Mercedes

parked out at the curb.

What Mercedes?

The black one. It's� It's�

It was there when I gave her the car.

When?

When?

Um, a couple minutes ago.

About 90.

Oh, God!

It's stolen.

Johnson, you will never work in a big-time dealership again!

Here she is.

Get out of that car, Miss! Now!

I will teach you to go for a joyride in my cars!

What is it you say in your commercial? Uh�

"Satisfaction is standard"?

Well, Mr. Schmect, you are not satisfying me.

What?

I took this car out on what I presume would be a routine test drive.

Now, I am on cruise control on the highway.

Suddenly, I see a school bus stalled in my lane.

I hit the brakes.

Nothing happens.

Now, I am so close I can hear little voices singing�

? The wheels in the bus Go round, round, round ?

? The wheels in the bus Go round, round, round� ?

I swerve onto the median,

only to find I am hurtling towards a solid brick overpass.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

A miracle.

The car ran out of gas.

- Oh. - But the car was full of gas,

and you are full of something that smells just a little bit worse.

Shut up!

I won't have you talking to customers this way.

You know, I am really late for a concert.

- Oh, Miss, please� - No, it's Ms. Baylor.

I'm gonna have my service people work on the car all night long.

It's gonna be in pristine condition first thing in the morning, hmm?

She is not going to buy a car.

This is of no concern of yours. You're through here.

- Miss Baylor- - But wait a minute.

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out.

And by the way,

your wife's sleeping with the service manager.

I knew that.

Ugh, flimflammed by some filly.

Just kick yourself, fool.

- Hi. - Bye.

I brought you a peace offering.

Not interested.

It's a tape of your band, X-Pression,

live at the Blue Dog.

What?

When I first saw you at the dealership, I had this feeling I knew you.

Where did you get a tape of my band?

Oh, well, same way I get tapes of, uh�

let's see� Whitney, Luther, Heavy, and Frank.

I'm a video alternatist.

Ugh. You are a bootlegger.

Well, you know, that too.

Hey, listen, your band is happening.

Why are you wasting your time selling cars?

Why are you wasting your time stealing cars?

A new convertible comes in kind of handy

when you're a record executive, for an hour.

Listen, um, do you mind if I just heat up some Chinese food real quick?

Well, yes, I mind.

You come barging in here on your little toothpick legs,

trying to stick your moo shu pork in my microwave

that I'm probably gonna have to sell

since you cost me my job with your phony degree,

your phony glasses, and your dad's phony Mercedes.

Is there anything real about you?

Yeah.

I'm real sorry I cost you your job.

So�

Are we cool?

Well, you know, there's still the little matter

of your keys.

Which is probably the reason you came back here anyway, isn't it?

So, that's where they are.

I knew there was a reason I was walking.

- Absolutely. - Thank you so much.

I appreciate this.

You didn't really think the keys were on there, did you?

No. No, no.

See, that's why, tomorrow morning, you're gonna go back to Schmect Motors

and you're gonna tell the man the truth,

and you're gonna get my job back.

But my food is-

Oh, you know, Chinese food is my favorite.

Damn, I'm good.

- Got you again. Checkmate. - Oh!

I'm the best chess player in the math department

and I can't beat you?

Dwayne, I've got a confession to make to you.

See that mirror behind you?

I can see your every move.

But you can't cheat at chess.

I would give up my career for a sugar daddy.

Well, don't look at me.

Whitley, if you quit, can I have your job?

I know I'm not getting into med school.

Kimberly, please, you applied to seven different schools.

Somebody's gonna take you.

Cheswick was the easiest to get into, if they don't want me, who will?

I know. Why don't you apply to one of those

nice little medical schools in Central America?

Do you want me to write another letter for you?

Como se llama "cleaver" in Spanish?

That's good.

Ms. Brooks.

You've heard the expression "dog-eat-dog world"?

Well, in some parts of the globe, it's a people-eat-dog world.

Oh, how dare you!

Now, my shoe company imports dog pelts and we make shoes.

Dogs are supposed to bring slippers, not be slippers.

The protest will go on.

Speak, sister!

It would be a real shame

if, uh, something were to happen to little Ziggy over there.

You� You touch one dread on this dog's head

and my people will blow this building sky-high!

We are radical, man, radical.

Come now, Ziggy.

Every automobile at Schmect is put through

my own personal 100-step inspection process,

and nowhere in the industry

can you get the famous Schmect Gold Package.

Ms. Baylor, hi.

- I'm watching my commercial. - Oh.

�satisfaction is standard.

Buy American.

Buy Schmect.

Yankee doodle-doo!

Hey, Freddie, who's walking who?

Johnson, what are you doing here?

Uh, Mr. Schmect, Ms. Baylor has something she'd like to tell you.

Yesterday was not what it appeared to be.

I'm not really a customer, Mr. Shmecht.

Wait till you hear this.

And he's not really a fired salesman.

And my wife is not sleeping with the sales manager.

Whatever you say.

Ron and I are partners in an independent research consulting firm.

What?

I know this wasn't our agenda, Ron,

but when I saw the unlimited potential

of Mr. Schmect's commercial, I was green with envy.

Green?

Green.

As my partner was saying,

she and I have been working deep, deep, deep undercover

as part of a private investigation into the auto industry.

You've been working undercover all this time?

Oh, why do you think I purposely didn't sell one of your cars?

Your behavior when I returned the car yesterday was deplorable.

Well, I thought somebody stole the car.

Yes, but if we envision a mathematical progression

where one dissatisfied consumer tells another�

Mr. Schmect, you'd be pushing dog boots.

Those boots are a by-product of-

Why do you think the American consumer prefers the Japanese import?

Is it superior technology?

Nay.

Is it price?

Nay. The Japanese model is priced $3,000 more. Ching-ching!

What do you think it is?

I wish I knew.

I do.

You do?

You do. Of course, you do.

Go on, baby.

Confidence.

- Confidence? - Confidence?

It's confidence.

Now, that's what I do in my commercial. I instill confidence.

No. It back fires.

When the average Joe looks at you, he sees a handsome, successful tycoon.

Qualities that most may never. ever attain.

Now, you see, subconsciously,

they associate these feelings of low self-esteem

with you and the cars you represent.

As riveting as your commercial is�

It just doesn't respond to the emotional needs of your market.

Or especially the male of the household.

Now, envision a beautiful field.

A football field.

And on the 50-yard line, there are two cars.

Yeah, a station wagon.

And a convertible.

And, and, uh, the sun is glistening on the Schmect Gold Package.

A henpecked, loser husband enters�

Followed by his bigmouthed, overbearing wife.

He tries to get in the convertible�

But she goes for the wagon.

All of a sudden, they're engulfed in glitter.

Yeah, and pixie dust, like in Hook.

Right!

Right, right.

And now, she turns into a cheerleader with lovely legs

and these big pom-poms.

The henpecked, loser husband is now a really handsome football player.

- Huh? - And they're on the field and�

Both of them are on the field. Both cars.

With the 50-yard line�

We said that before. Go on, go on! When do I come in?

Now!

Right. You come in dressed as the referee and do the coin toss.

Oh, and the wife calls�

Uh, wagon!

And the hubby calls�

Convertible!

Yes, and then we go to slow motion.

The coin freezes, and we hear over the top,

"No matter what the call, Schmect is the right play."

I love it!

Well, then, we'll do it, yeah.

- You? - Yes.

No, no, no, I'm gonna get my nephew, Simon, to do it.

He's the genius behind my present commercial,

but you two do good work.

If you ever need a car, see my sales manager.

Yankee doodle-doo!

What?

Get me Simon, quick.

Simon, listen to this.

Envision a field. Yeah.

That thief!

It takes one to know one.

Excuse me?

Look, I did what you asked in there.

Now give me my keys back.

I don't have my job back.

All right, then give me one key.

I'll give you one key to the future.

Me.

What?

You know, what went on in there was magic,

your lucrative magic at that.

My pop's always told me somewhere in the universe

you're gonna find your perfect business match.

I just never envisioned anyone quite like you.

Are you proposing business to me?

I am.

Well, this is just all so sudden.

Well, you don't have to answer right now.

I don't know, man. I feel like going legit will be painful.

Well, I'll be gentle with you.

Besides, the life you're leading catches up with you sooner or later.

Well, I'm gonna consider this very seriously,

because what just went on in there was unbelievable.

That was one of my finer moments.

Oh, I'm the one that came up with the football field.

Oh, come on, that line about the pom-poms was so sexist.

If I had said she was shaking her pom-poms,

that would have been sexist.

Kimberly Reese, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be off.

Mr. Gaines, I can't go home. There's mail there.

Kimberly Reese, there's only two things in the world that I'm sure of.

One is that I'll never have another part in my head,

and two is that you will be a medical doctor.

Kimberly, these letters have just been sitting in your mailbox.

Every time I go by, they go, "Paging Dr. Reese. Paging Dr. Reese."

Don't you know it's a federal offense to steal mail?

Oh, come on, darling, please-

The envelopes, please. And the nominees are�

Johns Hopkins.

I knew his daddy.

And Meharry.

I won't touch that one.

And our own personal favorite

Hillman School of Medicine.

And Johns Hopkins says�

Let's see.

Johns Hopkins says, "Yes."

And Meharry says�

"Yes!"

Both divisions.

Hillman School of Medicine says, "Yes!"

Good girl!

I hope you learn to write illegibly, Dr. Reese.

Oh, let's go party, Whit!

Finally, a doctor in the family.

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