Original subtitles

Mama, you won't believe what I'm opening right now.

One of Aunt Pearl's fruitcakes.

I still have the one from last year. I'm using it as a door stop.

Come in.

Okay, Mama. I can't wait. Love you.

Merry Christmas.

What is it now?

Well, I'm on my way to Baltimore,

so I thought I'd give you your Christmas gift now!

Merry Christmas.

Well, Miss Lena, you shouldn't have.

But since you did�

It's called Dogs Playing Poker.

It's a collector's item.

Well, it is� It's very authentic.

Just screams steakhouse.

I knew you'd like it.

Yes. Um, I have something for you too, Miss Lena.

Merry Christmas.

Fruitcake? Fruitcake! Ha!

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me ?

? Come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

?Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it, we can take it ?

? Hey, just remember That you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

- ? It's a different world ? - ? Than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

Just remember, Miss Lena, it's always better to give than to receive.

So true.

Yo, yo, yo, yo! Merry Christmas, roomie!

Fruitcake.

- Hey, man. - Yeah?

- Merry Christmas to you. - Oh, yeah�

it's a fruitcake.

Where's Crystal? Bus is leaving for Chimney Rock.

- Ooh, skiing sounds perfect. - Yeah, right?

- Hi, Kimmie. - Hey!

Who let Dwayne in here?

Uh, he went to get Crystal.

Where are they going?

I don't know, man.

Ow!

Chimney Rock Ski Resort.

He never took me skiing. Never, ever, once.

Don't forget to ski Lucifer's Leap!

The big-headed, elf-looking�

Kimmie, Merry Christmas!

Oh, Ron!

Love you, babe.

This baby does not like spicy food.

Huh? Baby, you had cornflakes.

That's what I mean. They're just too rich.

I need these antacids.

Yeah.

Baby?

Yes?

What is that?

This is our Christmas tree, baby.

Uh, well, honey, I thought we were going to go as a family

and pick out a tree together.

Yeah, I know, but, baby, this tree is a Taylor tradition.

Hey, it's pinkie!

Ah, yeah!

Yeah, it's pink all right.

What's the matter, huh?

Nothing, you know, it's just that I had a different kind of tree in mind.

You know, something real and green.

But, honey, the boy is so fond of this tree.

Yeah, yeah, I remember when Mom picked it out.

Oh, yeah, remember, then we had cocoa, and then we put tinsel on it, huh?

Mm-hm. Oh, but, Jaleesa, this year I thought we'd celebrate Kwanzaa,

you know, the African-American celebration of the first fruits.

- Anything but pinkie over here. - Oh, now, baby, don't�

Don't diss the tree like that.

I am so sorry, baby.

I didn't realize it was so sensitive.

But this baby wants a green tree.

? 'Tis the season to be jolly ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la ?

So, Whitley, when are you going to fly to New York?

I couldn't get a flight out 'til the 26th.

But don't worry. HoJo's is having an all-you-can-eat fried clam buffet

- on Christmas Day. - Ugh.

Don't say clams.

Uh, Whitley, why don't you come over to our house

for Christmas dinner?

I couldn't intrude, Jaleesa.

This is your first Christmas together as a family.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Um, Whitley, what was that name of the therapist that you saw last year?

Dr. Langhorn?

Jaleesa, don't worry about me.

I'll be fine. It's just the holiday talking.

Billie Holiday.

Well, we'll be expecting to see you at the house at 2:00.

Could I bring something?

Oh, no. I'm cooking.

Please.

Let me bring something.

Oh, fruitcake!

But you already gave me a gift.

Merry Christmas again, Mr. Gaines.

Well, I'll just put him with the others.

Ham is not a traditional meal.

Turkey is traditional.

You know ham gives me heartburn.

Oh, what doesn't, huh?

Yeah, but see if we celebrate Kwanzaa, meat won't be an issue.

We'll eat fruits of the harvest.

Uh-huh, I'll just sit at the holiday table and carve the holiday banana, huh?

A banana makes more sense than a ham.

Can we please have this discussion in the privacy of our own home?

Well, Brad, how about a holiday toast?

Yeah, sure, sure.

A peaceful and joyous Christmas to you and yours from me and mine.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Excuse me, Wamsutta. I've got a priority call.

What happened?

Shouldn't you be toasting toddies with Crystal right now?

She asked me what I did last Christmas

and I guess I got carried away talking about Whitley.

I had an abbreviated vacation.

What's the abbreviation for "idiot"?

Uh, wait a minute.

Does that mean you're not going back to Brooklyn?

Well, I would, but my mom and dad are going on a cruise for Christmas.

Isn't that lovely?

Hey, Mrs. Gaines.

Last Christmas, Vernon gave me slippers, a shoe tree and odor eaters.

Well, it did have a theme.

A cheap theme.

Since you're gonna be here, why don't you join us for Christmas dinner, huh?

- I'd love to. Thanks, Colonel. - All right.

Oh, and let me ask you something.

I mean, do you ever� Well, around the holidays

get a craving for� ham?

- Mm-hm. - You do?

Oh! Excellent, excellent.

- Jaleesa, honey� - Yes?

Dwayne is going to join us for Christmas dinner.

- And� and guess what? - What?

He enjoys ham.

Well, that's just wonderful, Dwayne.

We are very glad to have you join us.

Brad, honey, can I speak to you, please?

Uh-oh.

Uh, honey, now, this ham thing was his idea.

- Look, just forget the ham, okay? - What?

I already invited Whitley.

- Tell her she can't come. - Tell him he can't come!

- You tell her� Hey! - Hi!

Hi, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Ham�

What is he doing here?

And without a body cast?

I'm not sure, Whitley.

Ow!

He got dumped on the slopes.

Ho, ho, ho!

How are the holidays treating you, Dwayne?

Can't complain. How about you?

Couldn't be better.

An exclusive party at E. H. Wright,

New York for New Year's, and Christmas dinner at the Taylors'.

Oh, well, then I'll see you there.

- Excuse me? - Uh, uh, Whitley!

Uh, Brad just invited Dwayne.

And I just found out that Jaleesa invited Whitley.

That's nice.

Yeah, that is very nice. So nice.

- Mr. Gaines? - Oh!

- Merry Christmas. - Oh.

- Someone should have one. - And a Merry Christmas to you too!

Merry Christmas!

Thank you.

The point is, Doctor,

I give and give and give and get nothing in return.

All I wanted was parquet floors for my Barbie's dream house.

It must be so hard being buried up to your neck in self-pity.

Oh, it is.

Why me?

Listen, honey, this is the holiday season.

Now this is my busiest time of the year.

I've got three nervous breakdowns and a kleptomaniac before noon.

Now, quickly, look at these cards and tell me what you see.

Me.

Me.

A park with me on the bench.

Do you know what your problem is?

I always felt that-

You are living in a spotlight, honey, but this is not Broadway.

You've got to step down off of that stage

and change back into reality before you drop into the orchestra pit

of despair!

Ooh, that was good.

- Doctor. - Wait a minute, honey.

I've got to write that down.

Doctor, how do you propose I go to dinner with Dwayne

without ripping him from limb to limb?

Touchdown! You're still in love with him.

Uh-uh, I just won't go to dinner.

What are you afraid of?

Scared you'll go there and find out that he doesn't love you anymore?

Honey, you can't control that.

The only thing you can control is how you feel.

Not how you feel but how you deal with what you feel that is real.

You've got to relax, relate and release into reality.

Come on, honey, relax, relate, release.

Relax, relate, release.

Relax, relate, release.

Relax, relate, release.

- Yes! - Ooh!

I feel so much better.

I'll bill you.

Thank you, Doctor.

- Oh! - Ah.

Hello.

I'm just here, uh, dropping off a present for a very dear friend of mine.

Here you go, Doc.

Oh, fruitcake.

It's fruitcake.

I'm going to say this one more time.

Let go.

Give up those preconceived ideas about what you think should happen.

We're sorry.

Yes, y'all are.

You're a new family.

You have to relax, relate, and release into this relationship.

I guess we just didn't know that much about each other

- when we got married. - Yeah, that's true.

- Yeah, well, what about me? - Hey, you didn't know about her.

You're not listening.

Now, you love each other.

Be the family you already are.

Have the turkey, have the ham, have a fish fry�

Honey, I don't care what you do.

Just get a grip and let go.

You've got to create some new traditions for yourselves.

The only thing y'all should be holding onto is one another.

- Hey, hey� - She's losing it.

Hey, Doctor.

Oh, touchdown! Oh, this is wonderful.

- Oh, excuse me while I take this call. - Mm-hm.

Hello.

Oh, hi, honey.

It was my understanding that she was staying at the hotel.

She what? Oh, no, no, honey, not in my kitchen.

If your mama wants to cook a goose, she can do it at her own house.

I am calm.

That's enough of that, damn it.

Oh, but, Doctor, how can we thank you?

Oh, I'll bill you.

- Well, Doctor, you've been so helpful. - Yes.

Please, join us for our first family Christmas dinner.

Oh, that is so kind of you,

but I never mix personal and professional.

Now get out of my office and on with your lives.

Hey, Dad, this looks like Whitley.

? Hallelujah ?

? Hallelujah ?

I mean, we have a dining room. It's called that for a reason, Jaleesa.

The baby wants to eat where the decorations are, okay?

- Yo, Dad, relax, relate, release. - Release and relax.

? Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus ?

? Right down Santa Claus Lane� ?

Now, what is wrong with the "Messiah"?

Oh, come on, honey.

The boy enjoys this so much.

Come on, now.

Okay, what are doing? What happened to The Chipmunks?

Well, Dad, I'm too old for them. Besides, this is music for Kwanzaa.

- That's nice, but The Chipmunks� - Okay, we'll listen to them later.

Yeah. Okay.

I mean, you're never too old for The Chipmunks, you know?

- Hey, Colonel. - Oh, hey, Dwayne.

- Merry Christmas, Dwayne! - Merry Christmas.

- Am I the first one here? - Yes, you are.

Look, I don't think I can do this. So what I'm going to�

Oh, stop it. Will you stop? Please.

- She's not here. - Oh, hey!

Hey, Merry Christmas, Whitley!

- Hello. - Come in, huh?

Well, hello. Merry Christmas. Come in. Let me take your coat.

Here, come here. Give me your coat.

Well, Jaleesa�

What eclectic holiday decor you have.

- Well, thank you. - We're combining traditions. Right, son?

Oh, yes.

Thank you, honey. I just had it done.

Uh, stuffed mushroom cap, anyone?

Usually I'm allergic to fungus,

but I will risk the rash.

Hey, Dwayne, want to watch the Kwanzaa candlelight ceremony on, uh, video?

Only 45 minutes long.

Uh, son, it's, it's time to eat.

That's a good idea. Thank you.

- Excuse me. - Weren't you supposed to be skiing?

Look, Terrence, why don't you tell us more about Kwanzaa, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Created back in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga.

Hey, here we go.

Turkey, turkey.

Honey, that turkey looks a little pale, doesn't it?

Yeah, I can see the veins in it.

Well, I wasn't expecting us to be eating this soon.

I� I'll go put it back in.

Yeah, I'll help you. Come on.

Me too.

Maybe we should sit down.

Good idea.

I thought you were going to wear your nice suit.

Well, you know, that turkey, it's just going to be a few more minutes.

- So I thought we could start with these. - Yeah.

- These gherkins are delicious. - Mm-hm.

Honey, we just need a little something to take the edge off the brine, hm?

Well, I�

I am doing the very best that I can.

- It's her hormones, you know? - Oh.

Here we go. We have some crackers

and some gravy, and you didn't mind my hormones five months ago.

I'll get it.

Merry Christmas. I decided to take you up on your kind offer.

I hope I'm not intruding.

- Dr. Langhorn. - Dr. Langhorn.

- We have another guest for dinner. - There's no more crackers.

Merry Christmas. I think I know everyone.

Yours is the only face I don't recognize.

Oh, Dr. Langhorn, this is Dwayne Wayne.

Dwayne Wayne.

Oh, my goodness, you're not at all the way I imagined.

You've been talking about me?

Don't flatter yourself.

Uh� why don't I go get that turkey. Excuse me.

Um, why don't I help you.

- Have a glass of wine. Help yourself. - Yes.

Dwayne, it's perfectly natural

for us to talk about the people that we love.

Yeah. I guess that's why she talks about herself all the time.

So let's talk about you, Dwayne.

How was your ski trip?

That is my business. Stop trying to run my life.

I've never tried to.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's right, I apologize.

You ran your life, and you called it mine, but you ran your mouth for us both.

I only wanted what was best for you, Dwayne.

You just blame me because you couldn't handle a real woman.

You show me a real women, and I'll handle her all right.

Flag on the play.

Unnecessary roughness. Now, listen.

Just because you two children are not together,

there's no reason that you can't still be friends.

Unless of course, you never were friends.

We used to be.

Before we got involved.

Touchdown.

I don't understand.

- The biscuits are just a little toasty. - Mm.

I hear that charcoal aids in the digestion of food.

This is uh, an old family recipe.

It's Holiday Jell-O Mold Supreme.

I don't want any.

- Yeah, I'll go get the straws. - Yeah.

I also called the butterball hotline

and they said it would be just another four more hours.

Ham would have been ready by now.

All I wanted was to have a perfect Christmas.

Honey, there's no such thing as a perfect Christmas.

There is no such thing as a perfect anything.

Although these pickles do come close.

Now, listen. You're here with your friends and family.

At least you're not out celebrating Christmas dinner

with a bunch of strangers.

Wait a minute. Just why are you here anyway?

Because of my mangy, meddling, dried up, bald-headed,

no-cooking mother-in-law!

Her goose casserole went flying out that back door

and I was right behind it.

Doctor!

Doctor, relax, relate, release.

Relax, relate, release.

Relax�

Oh, this is so unprofessional of me,

but when my husband saw me running out that back door,

he didn't even try to stop me.

Touchdown.

Uh, doctor, maybe you should discuss this with your husband instead of us.

Yes, you know, uh,

sometimes the people that we love the most get on our nerves the most,

but we can't give up on them.

You can't control the way he feels, you can only deal-

Oh, honey, hush up.

I know what you're talking about. Thank you.

Y'all have helped me so much. I understand now.

I got my own family I can hold onto them.

Girlfriend, put that turkey in the microwave for 20 minutes.

Do the stuffing on top of the stove.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

- O, holy night. - O, holy night.

- Noel! - Noel!

Oh, honey, I just ruined our first family Christmas.

Yes, you did, but, uh�

Well, don't worry about it, honey.

There are going to be so many more, huh?

Look at what we're under.

We're under the mistletoe.

Thank you.

- You all right? - Excuse me. Yes.

Uh, what? What's happening? What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just starting a new tradition.

Take out!

I heard that.

Now you're talking.

Pass the egg rolls, please.

Here you go.

Well, Dwayne, thank you for walking me home.

No problem.

Merry Christmas, Whit. Oh, wait.

This is the bag Colonel Taylor gave me to give to you.

- That's for you. - Me?

It's fruitcake!

Whitley, I love fruitcake.

Figures.

Hey, Whitley�

you think we can be friends?

Maybe.

I hope so.

Have a Merry Christmas, Dwayne.

You have a Merry Christmas too, Whit.

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