Original subtitles

Here I am, leaving on my art seminar to enrich my mind

and elevate my career.

And what is the future father of my children doing?

Buying an inflatable doll?

No.

Friday night, it's basketball with Boo Boo Thomas.

Saturday, it's college football with�

What's the boy with the ears name?

Let's just call him "Dopey."

And Sunday, he's cavorting with Ron,

that high-faluting, can't-graduate four-eyed gigolo.

You shouldn't talk about Ron like that. He can graduate.

Anyway, I'm not talking to Dwayne for a week.

Ah, the mature approach.

Give me that letter.

It's from my aunt, Katherine Gilbert-Mayweather

from the Mayweather hotel chain.

- You're kidding. - Don't be impressed.

She holds onto nickels so tight, you can see the Indian ride the buffalo.

She never writes me unless she wants something.

You know, I think you're asking too much of Dwayne.

I mean, he's locked up all day with calculus

and teaching and counseling.

Man wants a little,

you know�

Whitley?

Whitley?

Whoa!

Whitley! Whitley!

Whitley? Whitley?

Listen to this. It's a job offer.

"Dear Whitley, I'm changing the art in my hotels.

Artworks from all over the world.

A perfect job for my favorite niece."

I'm her only niece.

"Expense account to fit your life-style, generous six-figure salary�"

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!

That's fantastic!

Uh-oh.

"P.S. Your cousin Liza will be there the weekend of the 5th."

That's this weekend.

"Please look after her."

Blah, blah, blah, "Aunt Katherine."

Well, what's Liza like?

She's like�

A sugar doughnut.

All sweet on the outside

and nothing but a big old empty hole in the middle.

Oh, so basically your family is all alike.

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me ?

? Come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it, we can take it ?

? Hey, just remember That you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

- ? It's a different world ? - ? Than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

Look at that Whitley.

Well, isn't that pretty?

Nice little dead animal to keep your neck warm.

You ever ask yourself

why they don't have paws or feet, Miss Moneybags?

Because they're still caught in the jagged teeth of some steel trap.

Stop it, please. You're upsetting my tummy.

Blood dripping from the paws.

Security! Security!

- What, you think this is funny? - How'd you like it if I ripped that

- right off your neck? - Stop it!

Hold it right there.

What's with the Michael Jackson impression?

My family is contributors of Save the Dolphins, Save the Whale,

Protect the Prairie, and Pet a Marmoset.

You are supposed to be setting an example,

and instead you're a social pariah.

It's called karma, my sister.

You're gonna come back as a baby seal.

Hey, Dwayne. How you doing?

Hey, Colonel.

What's the matter, son? You look a little dazed.

Whitley.

Aw, youth.

I wish.

Whitley.

You feel that?

- Uh-huh. - Remember.

I want you to remember how you feel at this moment

and who made you feel that way.

Here you go.

Excuse me, General. Where's Whitley Gilbert's room?

Right through that door.

Thank you.

Surprise.

- Cousin! - Don't get close.

I feel a cold coming on.

Ew.

It's not too serious, is it?

No.

Now, Whitley Marion,

I don't want you worrying about me, my first day here.

So, you're the resident director.

Yes, I run this dorm.

You need to do something about security.

When I was in the lobby, I got attacked by a homeless girl.

- What? - Yes, and she knew you.

She left before I could give her any change.

So�

How's your boyfriend Dwayne?

I can't wait to meet him.

Yes, you didn't have any boys at your school, did you?

Not in the classrooms.

So, little cousin,

what would you like to do first?

Well, I would like to blend in a little better, and,

since you and I wear the same size�

You want to wear some of my clothes.

If it's not too much trouble.

Be my guest.

Let's see.

How's this?

Too drab.

Do you have anything in pink? I love pink.

Mama says it brings out the roses in my cheeks.

Hm.

How about this?

Too Nancy Reagan.

Are you buying off the rack now?

Entrez.

Yo, break out the double mint.

Don't have a heart attack, Lena. It's just my cousin, Liza.

Liza, this is our resident home girl, Lena.

Lena, Liza. Liza, Lena.

I like those funky threads.

Well, so much for pleasantries.

What can I do for you, Ms. James?

It's Breena in 205.

That girl ain't stopped boo-hooing

since that brother from Avery dumped her for, uh, what's her name?

She won Miss Gilbert Hall last year. She won over you.

Quanda Mason?

What's the brother from Avery's name?

Fine Frankie Taylor. Makes you want to say, "Oh!"

Oh!

He asked me for my phone number once,

but I don't have a phone.

I guess financial aid has to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, I can't concentrate on my work.

Fine. I'll call her.

Lena, I could sure use your services.

I need some new outfits and I really like your style.

Join the club. You know, you can't just get this stuff off the racks.

Breena, have some pride.

Believe me when I tell you,

you are the farthest thing from Frankie's mind right now.

Don't get sad. Get even.

Crazy glue?

I like that.

Where are you two going?

I'm going to take your cousin shopping.

Going to hook up with some dope-dope-dope rags.

Uh, no. I don't want my cousin looking like she came out of the projects.

Whitley was always afraid of the ghetto, but not me.

I love gold chains.

Aunt Katherine told me to look after you.

And while you are on my campus,

you will do as I say.

Whitley Marion, I want to go shopping.

Then when I get back, we can have a little chit-chat

about my mama's plans for you.

You know about that?

Mama tells me everything.

Come on.

He looks talented.

Senior, handsome, brilliant and buffed.

What's his father do?

I don't know. But he's on financial aid with me.

Moving right along.

What about him?

Who?

Him.

Oh, girlfriend, please, get a grip on yourself.

That is Ron Johnson.

Class clown, fool-for-all-seasons,

the J.J. of Hillman.

That boy hits on anything that has a pulse.

What does his father do?

His father owns one of the largest car dealerships in the state of Michigan,

which is a very good thing 'cause he's never going to graduate.

Introduce us, please.

On second thought, you're probably perfect for one another.

Your mama is so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.

Excuse me, Ron.

- Excuse me. - Whoo!

I hate to bother you

while you're uplifting the race and everything.

But, uh, there is a young lady who would like to meet you.

Oh, a private audience?

Who's the lucky female?

Whitley's cousin, Liza.

Class dismissed.

Ron, this is Liza.

- Huh. - I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Only my breathing.

It's getting a little thick in here.

Oh, Lena.

Thank you for all your help.

Those outfits are really dopey.

No, no, no. See, that's "dope". Dope.

Those outfits are really dope.

Allow me. Allow me.

It's so nice to see a boy with manners nowadays.

Would you care for a beverage?

Iced tea sounds yummy.

Iced tea, yes.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Give me two iced teas quick.

Oh, look at you, smiling so big you'll get your ears wet.

New friend?

Haven't you met Whitley's cousin Liza?

No.

Oh, Well, give me two iced teas. Come on, quicker.

She looks a lot like Whitley.

Whitley?

Surely you jest.

Anyone can see that Liza is a rare flower.

A delicate blossom.

Whitley, on the other hand, belongs more to the cactus family.

You certainly sound poetic this afternoon.

I've always been a poet at heart.

I just needed the right woman to bring out the splendor in the grass.

Thank you.

You know, I've been watching her, Mr. Gaines.

- Mm-hmm. - She looks at every man

as if he's a well-cooked pork chop.

Well, put an apple in Ron's mouth

and the boy's ready for the oven.

A little sour to mix with the sweet?

Thank you.

- Would you like some sugar with your tea? - Oh.

Just a brief stir with your pinky finger should be enough.

Oh, Ron�

Oh, please.

Does Jaleesa ever stop talking to you?

- Of course! - Really?

Man, that is the oldest trick in the woman's handbook.

Well, what do you do?

Well, I nibble on her toes till she hollers for mercy.

You put your mouth on Jaleesa's feet, man?

Yeah, yeah.

Hello, gentlemen.

Surely you have met Whitley's cousin, Liza.

Whitley's cousin Liza.

Very nice to meet you. See you later, Ron.

I'll be counting the seconds.

Whoo! Fine, isn't she?

Whitley's cousin Liza.

Amazing. She's Whitley defanged.

Have you seen the� �teeth?

Are we jealous because you got the original

and I got the new-and-improved model?

You think so, huh?

I'm done. This is it.

I'm finished shopping for life.

Oh, now hold on. Wait a minute.

Now take it easy, all right?

Colonel, who won the race between the tortoise and the hare?

- The tortoise. - The tortoise.

Yeah, whatever.

I know she's going to be my first wife. I know it.

Happy-

- That explains it. - Yeah, yeah. That does. That does.

I should have known something was wrong

when she grabbed my butt.

Whoa. You mean, she grabbed your butt

and you thought it was Whitley, and you didn't tell me?

I'll talk to you later.

- I got to split, okay? - Hey.

I ought to smack her right in her overbite,

but she keeps dangling that curator position in my face.

The buck-toothed tramp!

I saw her yesterday in The Pit hitting on all the men.

She ended up with Ron.

I can see that.

You said she went to an all-girl school.

I guess she's making up for lost time.

I guess.

- Whitley, it's your little cousin, Liza. - Shoot!

I don't want to talk to her right now. Go tell her I'm not here.

You tell her. I'm not doing your dirty work.

- No, I'm not. Jesus! - Get in the closet.

Whitley?

Anybody home?

Hello, Whitley Gilbert's house.

Mama!

It's me.

Fine.

I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is Whitley.

She hasn't aged very well, and she's so snappy.

No, I don't think she'll be right for that curator job.

In fact, I have this letter that her boyfriend gave her

and he called her immature.

Yeah, Betsy McDonald would be a much better choice.

Now, for the good news.

You were right. If Whitley can find a man, so can I.

His name is Ronald Johnson.

His daddy owns a car dealership in Detroit

and he has a moustache.

Uh-huh.

Mama�

Mama, I have to go. Whitley might come back at any minute.

Okay. Just call me at the hotel.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Bye.

I'll show her snappy.

That little witch is going to ruin my future!

Where did she get this letter from?

I can't believe Dwayne called me immature.

She's just a gold digger.

She doesn't care anything about Ron.

What is all this sudden interest with Ron?

No reason.

Don't give me that.

You like him.

Sure, I like him. I mean, I've known him for years.

What? Yes, I like him. You like him.

We all like Ron.

Kimberly, what are we going to do?

Something mean.

Something cruel.

Something devious.

Kimberly,

I am so proud of you.

Honestly, Dwayne, Ron is your friend.

I shouldn't have to blackmail you to help him.

You don't listen.

You are my woman and I love you.

But if you ever tell me that you're not speaking to me for a week again,

I will drop you like a bad habit.

- Oh? - Oh, and you know something?

I'm not through.

I was a serious sports fan before I met you.

You knew that then and know it now,

so please spare me those little 10-minute dramas your perform

every time I want to go to a game. Okay?

I love it when you take charge, Daddy.

I am lucky to have you.

Yes, you are, and don't you ever forget it.

I won't forget it.

- Ron! - Oh, forget him.

I didn't finish telling you the plan.

Woman, I got plans of my own.

Liza, you look lovely.

That dress.

Thank you.

Ronnie gave it to me.

Just a little trinket to celebrate our second anniversary.

There are bigger and better things to come.

I'm getting goose pimples.

Oh, bucky.

I didn't realize you were so well-endowed.

Mama gave them to me for my 21st birthday.

I'm hungry.

Can I get some caviar?

Sure, for the same price as a down payment on a Yugo.

Honey, remember we have to save for our nest egg.

- Nest egg? - Nest egg?

You only go around once, Ronnie.

Champagne! Caviar!

Drinks on the house.

So how is that nice boy you used to go out with?

Kenneth? He lied to me.

He said he was going to become a surgeon after he graduated pre-med.

So, he didn't graduate med school?

Worse. He became a musician.

Oh!

More wine, Mutley?

All right, where is he?

Oh, no, you didn't.

Uh-oh.

There you are with another one of your skeezers.

Where do you get them all? The happy hooker Yellow Pages?

Who� who is this woman?

- Kim, I think. - Oh, you think now?

Last night it was, "My beautiful big-butt bean pie,

baby, come give me some sweet sugar."

Bean pie? What in the hell are you talking about?

Oh, and I suppose you don't remember Laquesha,

Tonesha, Shawneenee, Prometheus, and Ron Johnson Jr.?

Is this your wife?

No. Tell her.

No, it's not his wife, just the mother of his children.

I thought she was still in that state hospital.

What in the hell is going on here?

This� this is awful.

And it's gonna get a lot worse!

I'll tell you what's going on, you no-good, pink dog!

Spending all my money on a tramp!

Wait a minute. You can have him.

I can get men with twice as much money. This is peanuts.

No, no, no. Liza, wait, this is all a mistake. I swear.

I'm going to Morehouse.

That's the best performance I've ever seen

since Dorothy Dandridge in Carmen Jones.

Thanks a lot.

You ruined my life.

Oh, partner, get a grip. That girl was bad news.

She was manipulative, conniving�

Everything I love in a woman.

She's a man-eater.

Always has been.

Ever since the crib.

She used to wink at men for lollipops.

She would've owned your daddy's car lot.

Kissing her was like kissing Mister Ed.

This is not about ruining your game, it's about saving you from a barracuda.

Oh, yeah, all right, all right.

I know you're upset 'cause Kim ruined your little love affair,

- but there are bigger- - Oh, shut up.

And Kim, not too many people could walk around in public

looking like Celie from The Color Purple�

But I appreciate it.

Well�

I got to go home.

Oh, I'll walk you home.

Thanks, um�

That's sweet.

You two aren't the only ones getting busy.

Tonight they are.

Oh!

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