Original subtitles

You see, Terrence, grasshopper.

At a school where there are three women for every one man,

there's no excuse for being dateless.

Somebody took my three.

Allow me to show you how to retrieve them. Take copious notes.

Uh-oh, this could be ugly, brother.

Wait a minute. She looks pretty beautiful.

Eh, it's a weave.

Oh, look at Ron go.

Eh, look like she got to the weave store too late.

And go and go and go.

You'll see here, Ron is mostly talk and very little action, okay.

I'm meeting Debbie for dinner, Marcy at midnight,

and Bridget for breakfast.

When are you meeting Betty, the one that gave you the black eye?

I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me come what may ?

? Mmm ?

? I know now that I'm ready, yeah ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it, hey! ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it! ?

? We can take it, hey ?

? Just remember that you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? Yeah, than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from! ?

My people!

We are living in perilous times, my people.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Times when sisters 12 and 13 are having babies.

Times when brothers eight and nine are selling drugs.

Times when our infants are lulled to sleep by the sound of gunshots.

Mmm-mmm.

- I ask you, why? Why?

Because the nuclear family, the nucleus of society,

- has degenerated. - Oh, yes.

- Why? - Why?

Because Adam and Eve no longer respect one another.

Oh, truth.

Especially Adam.

The truth is hard to take for some people.

But the fact remains,

the ratio of women to men on this campus is three to one.

And I ask you, how many of you Hillman men

have taken unfair advantage on this true blessing?

Uh-huh.

Ron Johnson just did. He's the king.

- Excuse me. I� - Mmm-hmm.

My sisters, you'll find all your grievances

carefully detailed in my book,

Ms. Understanding.

Her Guide To Understanding The Hillman Man.

I got a grievance with your barber. Let me out of here.

I want one.

Look at all these people with these books.

You wasted $5 on that?

Kim, you cannot put a price on emancipation.

Now read this.

"The Hillman man will remain immature"

as long as the Hillman woman caters to his every whim."

That brother speaks the truth.

Well, now, you girls are not that easy to get along with either.

Oh, according to this, we are.

"The Hillman woman should be confident and know her self-worth."

She should be treated like a queen."

Ooh, well, how nice, Your Majesty.

But would you please help me bus these tables?

- Hey, Freddie. - Hey, Jaleesa.

Would you mind telling me when you're going to return my electric blanket?

I can't. I need it to keep me warm. The dorm gets so cold.

Thought about looking for a boyfriend?

- Ha� - Look no further.

See, this book says I'm one of the few men who can make a Hillman woman happy.

Uh�

"I'm unschooled in the doggish ways of upperclassmen."

I'm innocent, naive, eager to please�"

He's a virgin.

No, I'm not. Really, my queen.

That electric blanket is looking better and better.

I got to give ol' Shazza some credit.

This is the greatest scam of all time.

This is not a scam.

This is pure, unmitigated truth�

Dog.

Damn!

That's it!

Momentito, mister-sister!

Surely, my brother.

I'll have you know that the women on this campus

are perfectly satisfied with the status quo.

I can vouch for 300 of them myself.

Impressive record.

I know it is.

But can you vouch for Kim Reese?

She seems to have turned away from the Hillman man.

Far, far away.

He's lighter than you.

The movie starts at 8:00.

- All right, I'll meet you at 7:45. - You got it.

What's playing? Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

Ooh! Sidney Poitier, Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in his last movie.

Pauline Kael didn't like it, but I gave it two thumbs up.

- See you later, doc. - Bye, Matt.

So, Kim, another evening with Matthew?

Mmm, he's a lot of fun.

You should get to know him better.

Looks like you're doing enough of that for all of us.

The brothers are talking, Kim.

Good things, I hope.

Well, considering the tense state of affairs�

do you think dating Matthew is wise?

I think it's my business.

Just trying to look out for you.

Oh, Really? Who looked out for you when you were going with

Cathy "Cream Cheese" from Virginia Tech?

No one had to look out for me�

Because nobody saw me.

Then close your eyes. You won't see me either.

May I help you?

Hey, bunny.

Dwayne, have you read this hunk of hoghead cheese?

Who's got time to read?

I've been tutoring all morning and I have two more sessions tonight.

Is that ugly engineering department working my baby too hard?

Mmm-hmm. And Lynette Stevens isn't making it any easier.

She wants to major in Math, but she's hopeless.

Lynette?

I remember her from the pool with her tube top around her waist.

Why do you have to tutor her?

Because the department assigned me to her, Whitley.

And just where will you be doing all of this tutoring?

Oh, man.

Why do we go through this every time I tutor a woman?

Why do you have to tutor so many women?

Because I made a special request

that all the topless wonders be sent my way.

You're saying I'm being ridiculous?

Baby, I didn't say a word.

It's just that you're so irresistible,

and delectable, delightful and delicious.

Yes, aren't I, though?

I just want to know who are you tutoring tonight?

Tonight, Leslie.

Whoa, wait. Hey, hey.

Leslie is the nose guard on the football team.

Well, why does he have a girl's name?

Sissy.

Oh, Dean Hughes.

You look like wet bread.

You are so kind, Vern.

Why did you call me down here?

This waste of good trees.

Had to snatch it from one of my workers.

The girl nearly burned down my kitchen

trying to do fries and read at the same time.

Shazza Zulu. Who's Shazza?

Oh, he's the one with the Eddie Murphy entourage.

Oh�

- Sylvester Simon. - Mmm-hmm.

This nonsense was his honors thesis rejected by the Sociology department.

And my garbage disposal didn't take it either.

Excuse me, Zulu.

I've read your book and I believe I've seen the light.

It's an enlightening piece of work, brother.

Tell me. How did you become so� learned?

Well, as a sixth-year undergraduate,

I've had the opportunity to observe a great many things.

However, my book is not about that which can be observed

with the naked eye.

It's about those things that people are afraid to see,

do and think for themselves.

Wow.

How can I, a mere freshman,

suppress the negative inclinations of my manhood?

Practice, practice.

Oh. Men are so irritating. If only they'd live by Zulu's principles.

- I know. - Mmm-hmm.

You might not be so lonely.

Ladies, ladies, I am not lonely. I am alone.

There is a difference.

What is the difference?

Uh, I don't know, but�

We deserve better, all right? Now, remember Chapter Eight?

"A woman is not a doormat until she lies down."

- I say we don't lie down anymore. - Ever again.

Ladies, ladies. What are your complaints?

Talk to Papa Ron.

You ain't nobody's papa around here.

And we are tired of your arrogance and utter rudeness.

Rudeness? The only door you guys rush to open for a lady

is the bedroom door.

Mmm-hmm. And you try to buy our affections with expensive meals in fancy restaurants.

- Hush, girl. That's a benefit. - That's right.

One we deserve because they spend the entire meal talking about themselves.

I, me, me, me.

Perhaps that's because you ladies are a little dull.

Who are you calling dull?

Excuse me, mister. If you paid attention long enough to find out

what our needs were, maybe we wouldn't seem so dull.

Your needs are in the kitchen and in the laundry room.

Time out! Hey! Hey!

Thank you, Walter. Now back to my dirty underwear-

Come on, brother.

You are what is known in this situation as a negative role model.

- Why don't you just roll on out of here. - Roll, brother!

Thank you, Walter.

- Now, ladies, I know this Shasta- - Shazza.

Shazza got you all worked up.

But there are some righteous brothers on campus. Right?

- I don't see anyone. - They're a little unformed.

They're like lumps of clay waiting for the right sister to mold them

and make them right.

Walter, if I wanted to work with clay, I'll make an ash tray.

- And I don't smoke. - Amen.

Better yet, no men.

All right. Boycott.

Boycott.

So, Walter, did you smooth things over?

Well, let me put it this way.

I want you to hang on to your memories. You're going to need them.

This Shazza Zulu has the women more confused

than they normally are.

He's got them thinking they don't need us.

When they do, who's going to help them move their furniture?

And tell them where the windshield wiper fluid goes?

They're going to miss us.

As a follower of Islam,

I'm required to seek the companionship of many women

before choosing my queen.

Right. Sit down, you little microwave Muslim.

This is the work of a twisted mind.

There's a fungus among us.

Gentlemen, the women are plotting a boycott.

I propose we counter with a girlcott.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa�

No can do, okay?

For once, think about somebody other than yourself.

I think about Whitley all the time

and I'm not about to give up none of that, for none of you'll.

You know, this boycott seems a little extreme to me.

We're only boycotting until we graduate.

Oh, you think it gets better?

Jaleesa knows of what she speaks.

See, guys are the kind of merchandise that you have to buy as-is.

And I like what I bought. Why do I have to boycott?

Dwayne's a one-woman man.

That's what I thought about Ricardo till I caught him with Janet.

- What? - Well, that's your sordid history.

No, it's everybody's history.

Dwayne loves me.

Uh, uh, uh� "The one he loves is always the one he lies to."

Mmm-hmm, I've been there.

When?

Anyway, we have an honest relationship.

Who told you that? Him?

Snap out of it, girl.

Somebody told me someone else told them she heard

someone said he said he was with Desiree Pierce

at the library last Friday, tutoring�

But there were no books.

Oh�

You're� you're full of prunes!

My Dwayne would never be tutoring that hussy, Desiree Pierce.

Well, this may not mean anything,

but I saw him at the library with her tonight.

What I wouldn't give to be a sequin on that sweater.

Relax. We're boycotting them.

We must maintain our composure at all costs.

Look. Here comes Debbie trying to beg.

Definitely weakening.

- Freddie, what's up with the rollers? - It's a statement.

We want the men to give in, not give up.

Excuse me, dude brother, is that seat taken?

No, man. I'm a lonely man. Come on in.

As you should be- I mean, thank you.

Hrmph. Look at that Desiree Pierce.

Yeah, I hear she's pretty well-endowed.

Hear she's wealthy, too.

I'm her tutor.

Ooh, look at the caboose! Choo, choo!

Whoo!

I hear you're going out with the finest caboose on campus.

Eh, she's all right.

Mantello is an excellent film-maker.

Yo, Avery. You're blocking my view of the gondola.

I'm sorry, I'll take off my hat.

That won't solve his problem.

God, I'm tired of people staring at us like we're lab specimen.

As long as they don't cut us open and play scrabble with our guts.

That mulu Zulu got these folks acting stupid.

The men on one side, women on the other?

Have you ever seen a brother

who hasn't had a woman talk to him for a month?

I ain't either, but I don't want to see it.

Walter, these students have a stupid activity quota to fill.

It will blow over. I've seen this before.

Cut her loose, Giovanni. She's a skeezer!

Typical. Sophia, you don't need him!

None of us do!

What you need to do is shut up!

What you need to do is cool off!

Aha!

I caught you big time, big boy.

What did I do?

"Choo, choo!"

Oh, Whitley, I knew it was you.

Oh, yeah, you're neck-high in a swamp, buddy.

Mr. I'm-out-with-the-nose-guard. And you're tutoring Desiree Pierce.

No telling what you're schooling her.

Okay. I tutored Desiree after I tutored the nose guard.

Then why didn't you tell me earlier?

I was trying to avoid this conversation we're having right now.

I'm tired of defending myself for doing nothing.

I know for a fact that monogamy

is not a salient feature of the male species,

and that's because you have not truthed with yourselves�

Faced the ambivalence-

Here you are in my suit, quoting mulu Zulu in my face?

Why do I put up with you?

Because you love me?

And you got to trust me. I'm doing right by you, baby.

I do.

Now, let me help you get out of this suit.

Dwayne!

Honey, please. I want to get it dry-cleaned.

What are you doing with him?

He's my man!

And I'm standing by him.

And all you canned goods can get dusty on the shelf. Ha!

Okay. I called you here so you could discuss your problems

in a post-kindergarten fashion.

Couldn't agree with you more, Dean Hughes.

Disharmony was my impetus for penning up this slim volume.

It's dog food.

Shazza?

Shazza�

�I want to thank you for having the courage

to admit that the Hillman man has canine instincts.

Aw�

Well, there's a correction.

The Hillman man is not a dog in the literal sense,

but his insecurities manifest themselves through exercises in excess.

Thus working against the positiveness of his innate positivity.

What in the hell are you talking about?

That's my point exactly.

Your views are divisive, unsupported,

and overflowing with rhetoric.

There you go.

If my views had no merit, all these people wouldn't be here today.

If you could pass a few of your classes, neither would you.

Dean Hughes, Dean Hughes, some of us women will never get married

if these men don't change.

That's the problem right there.

You women are always trying to snag husbands.

You see, Ron personifies the paralysis men experience

at the mere mention of commitment.

- All right. - Page 30 of my book.

Well, now, I don't understand why you young people need a book

to understand what you knew

before you read the book of Ms. Understanding,

or whoever she is.

Well, I would like to know what inspired Shazza

to write such a timely and insightful book.

Love.

Aw!

Love of people.

- Love of women. - Mmm-hmm

- Love of money. - Yeah.

Dollars never entered my mind, brother.

No. Just your pocket.

How much money have you made from this book?

That'd be nice to know. How much moolah, buddy? Moolah�

Well, let's just say, if my book was a record,

it'd be solid gold!

No. What I'm saying� What I'm saying

is you can only sell that which is in demand.

I demand my money back.

We've been Zulued!

Zulued!

Hillman� Hillman has a problem and this is the answer.

Look, if we as Hillman men don't treat our women right,

they'll go to somebody white. Kim Reese did.

You pseudo-intellectual with a pseudo-African name,

spouting pseudo-philosophy about a whole lot of nothing.

In fact, the only thing that's real about you

is your green eyes, my brother.

Kim? Kim?

You again? Here to second Zulu's emotion?

No. I didn't like the brother's approach.

He lacks discretion.

Well, you were discreet when you told me not to date Matthew 'cause he's white.

That's how I felt.

That's just too bad, Ron.

This is not South Africa.

Point taken.

Can you blame me for wanting to keep

one of Hillman's finest sisters to myself?

Or� or some equally deserving brother?

I didn't know you cared.

Well, neither did I until you started dating Opie.

How would you feel if I was dating Aunt Bee?

I know, I might not like it, but if you want to go out with some old lady,

I respect your right to do it.

Go ahead, Dr. Deep.

Ron, you do know how to be a friend.

One of my many talents.

May a friend walk you home?

Oh, a rain check?

I'm meeting Opie at the coffee house.

See you.

I hope he's paying.

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