Original subtitles

Somebody. Anybody.

- Everybody! - Yes?

Which shoes should I bring to the Waynes' house?

You're going to see his mother, wear your combat boots.

Which nightie should I bring? Silk or satin?

Don't you have anything in flannel?

With a high collar?

Try a sword and a shield.

Ron, how I wish you were spending the holidays with your family

instead of tagging along with us.

Baby, you better hope that my charm and savoir faire

helps Mother Wayne forget just how much she dislikes you.

Stop saying she doesn't like me.

It's true!

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me, come what may ?

? Mmm ?

? I know now that I'm ready, yeah ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it, hey! ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it! ?

? We can take it, hey ?

? Just remember that you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

?Yeah, than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from! ?

Ron, you're not going home for Christmas?

No. My family's kicking it in Hawaii.

My dad won a free trip for selling the most cars in the state.

It's the seventh year in a row.

And you chose not to go?

Dad did the choosing for me.

He's still upset because you don't want to go into the car dealership?

I don't know. Do the words "I have no son" mean he's still upset?

Aw, Ron, that is so sad.

This is the time of year for love and peace

and goodwill and forgiveness�

Save the tears, Tiny Tim.

Those vacations are more trouble than they're worth.

Ah, Christmas in Hawaii sounds like a lot of fun.

But I spend my entire vacation chaperoning my baby sister, Rachel.

It was all right when she was making sand castles,

but it's a different story now that she's built like one.

Everybody, I have got a plane to catch.

So, have a very Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Jaleesa.

Thank you, Whitley.

You forgot your birdie presents.

My birdie presents?

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap�

You know, Whitley,

it is not the amount of money you spend on a gift,

but the thought behind it.

So with that thought in mind, Merry Christmas, everybody else.

- Peace. - Merry Christmas.

She don't even know what she's talking about.

All those thoughtful presents end up in the broom closet.

I took the check that my grandmama sent me for Christmas,

and I bought Mrs. Wayne this.

Ew�

What the hell is that?

This is a Steubling Santa.

Don't you know anything?

Yeah. I know it's ugly.

That's 'cause you don't have any taste, Ron.

This says quality. This says caring.

- This says- - Bribe!

Merry Christmas, little people.

Merry Christmas!

- Hi, pooky-pooh. - Hi, baby.

This is a Steubling Santa. Isn't it beautiful?

I bought it for your mama.

It's nice.

I knew I should have gotten the Three Wise Men!

Baby, she'll love it, and she'll love you.

Hey, pooky-pooh.

How much eggnog have you had?

Where are those children?

They'll get here when they get here.

Honey, they should have been here by now.

Seven-thirty-two got in at 11:06.

Takes 20 minutes to get from Grand Central over to the IND

to get the downtown A train to Brooklyn.

You been driving a bus too long.

- Adele. - What is it, Woodson?

You got to promise me you're going to be nice to Whitley.

I don't make promises I can't keep.

Baby, this is the first time he's brought a girl home.

She's got to be something special.

Shh! I think I hear something. Wait.

Ooh. They're here. Shh.

Come in, honey, come on in quick. It's cold outside.

Come in.

You should see her, all dressed up like she's going to carnation.

Got more luggage than the law allows.

I didn't ask her to move in, I asked her to visit.

Adele, you be nice or you step to the rear.

Merry Christmas, Mr. And Mrs. Wayne!

Honey, come back here and wipe your feet.

- Don't track that snow in my house. - Oh. Sorry.

No problem. Make yourself at home. Like that coat.

- Mr. Wayne. - How are you, Whitley?

I see where Dwayne gets his good looks.

Ooh-wee� I like this girl.

Yeah, and you like onion sandwiches too, don't you?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

- Merry Christmas, Mrs. Wayne. - Hi, Ron. How are you, honey?

Come on in. Watch the closing doors.

All right.

Where's Dwayne?

Outside, with the rest of Whitley's luggage

Mr. Wayne, if I were 20 years older,

I'd give you some competition.

What a lovely home.

Why, it's an oasis

in the middle of this urban jun�

leesa says merry Christmas.

And everyone does. Kim, Freddie.

"Ho, ho, ho."

Mom, the house looks good.

It's good to be home.

- Honey, come, give your mama a hug. - Oh, yes.

You're so crazy.

- Dad! - It's good to see you, son. Yeah!

Your mama ain't cooked nothing since you left.

Stop telling lies, I cook all the time.

Hear, hear, Mrs. Wayne.

You strike me as a woman who spends her whole life in the kitchen.

You're off to a good start.

Well, you're right about that, Whitley.

- My baby really can burn. - That's right.

She's the best cook this side of the Mason-Dixon.

I see you have a Steubling.

Do you collect them?

No, but Woodson's mother thinks I should.

That thing stays under the steps all year round until Christmastime.

I bring him out, dust him off when she's coming to visit.

Ugly little thing, isn't it?

Mmm. I smell Christmas dinner.

Roast turkey, corn rice pudding, apple pie�

�Air Wick.

This sure beats the all-the-pig-you-can-eat luau

at the Maui Laui Hotel.

Well, I'm sure your family's luau won't be the same without you.

Maybe not, but on the other hand, Mrs. Wayne,

is there any food you'd like me to sample before the festivities begin?

How about potato salad?

Come on, I'll get you started.

Don't have to call me twice.

Come on.

Why didn't you tell me your mother hates Steubling?

- I didn't know. - I can't give her that.

Every time she looks at it, she'll think of her mother-in-law and hate me.

She could never hate you as much as she hates Nana.

I got to buy something else.

Don't be silly. We're going to eat soon.

If you try to take one foot out of this house,

- my mother will be� - Shh�

Are you hungry, Chipmunk?

For your cooking, you bet. Come on, baby.

No. Think I need to work up an appetite.

Maybe see some sights, like Rockefeller Center, the ice skaters�

No, no, no. You don't step a foot out of my house

on the first day unless it's to take the trash out.

And you don't do that, do you?

Well, maybe I'll go unpack.

That should take a while.

Isn't she something, Ma?

Your father said I'm not allowed to say a word.

Come on, give her a break. Whitley's changed.

I didn't like her either. She'll grow on you.

You can't take the funk off a skunk, chipmunk.

Adele!

Ooh, did you see that shot, Ron?

Sure. Sure.

Have another brownie, Ron.

Don't mind if I do.

You know, I bet you my father's on the golf course right now,

teeing off� at me.

When fathers make decisions, we have to stick to them.

Even if they make us unhappy. Oh!

Come on.

I bet your father wishes he was playing golf with his son right now.

Yeah, 'cause I'm easy to beat.

- Ooh. - Oh!

Mrs. Wayne, this cornucopia of baked goods

just proves that we're kindred spirits.

How so?

I'm so gratified to meet another woman who bakes from scratch.

I can just taste the butter.

What you taste is the box.

And her foot in her mouth.

Mom, why don't Whitley and I set the table, huh?

Absolutely.

When will that bird be ready to come out of that oven?

Soon, honey.

Let's eat so we can open presents.

Presents? So� so soon?

What's the rush?

It's a Wayne tradition to open the gifts on Christmas Eve.

That's how we do it in this house.

I'm going to check on the bird.

Mrs. Wayne, allow me to give the turkey its last rites.

No. I know what you're doing. Don't go tipping on my bird.

I'm going shopping. I'll be right back.

Are you crazy? We're going to eat any minute now.

- I have to, Dwayne. - What?

I've tracked snow in your mother's house, I've insulted her desserts.

I bought her a stupid Steubling and she hates them.

- Yeah. - I'll buy her a nice present.

Wait. I'm not letting you go out there alone.

Dwayne, I have navigated the alleyways of the casbah.

I've skied the unmanicured slopes of the Alps.

Certainly I can get from here to Manhattan on the train.

All right, I'll tell my mom we'll be right back.

I'm going with you.

No. Then she'll say that I destroyed her home and took her baby son.

Please, stay here.

This is New York, my hometown. I love this city,

but there's an awareness you need to have before you go out.

What kind of awareness?

Don't aware this, don't aware this, definitely don't aware this coat.

- Give me the coat, Whitley! - No!

- Ow! - Give me-

Can't take my fur coat. I'd rather go naked.

If you go out with the coat, that's just how you may come back.

I'll take my chances. Got to get your mama a present.

Okay, okay, wait.

Don't talk to any unshaven dudes in raincoats.

If you get on a train, get behind the conductor.

See anybody you don't like the looks of, get off.

- Okay, Dwayne. - Okay.

I'll see you next Tuesday.

- Whitley� - Please, don't worry, pooky-pooh.

Be careful.

Don't tell your mama I'm gone.

What am I supposed to tell her?

I'm supposed to tell her�

Where's Whitley, dear?

- Uh, she went out. - Out where?

Out there.

For what?

- She went to go sh� - "She went to go sh� sh�"

She went to go sh� shoveling.

She went to go shoveling through the snow, Ma.

Did you tell her to do the stoop and the sidewalk?

- Where's Whitley? - Gone.

Adele, what did you do to that girl?

There you go again. I didn't do a thing to Miss Thing.

I didn't say jack squat to her.

Look at you two, thinking that I ganged up on her.

Why you always do that to me?

Don't worry. We'll tranquilize her for your wedding.

Thank you, Dad.

No! No, wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Ho, ho, ho.

"Ho, ho," to you too, Santa.

Oh, look, lady, I'm about to cash up.

You got any Yuletide cheer?

Peace on Earth, goodwill to men.

No, no.

No, no, I mean moola, greenbacks, duckets.

Oh, of course.

Is this for UNICEF or the Salvation Army?

- Which is your favorite? - UNICEF.

This is your lucky day.

Santa, I have a confession to make.

Oh, yeah? Well, come into my office.

When I was a little girl, I used to-

Well, first, put another dollar in the cup.

Thank you.

When I was little, I used to kick the Santa in the department store

because I asked him for a pony one Christmas

- and he gave me a puzzle. - Uh-huh.

And then my mother got a solitaire that Christmas,

so I knew that money for my pony

went to that solitaire, and I was mad, Santa�

Santa?

You know, this isn't my real hair.

Don't tell anybody, and they'll never know.

That's a Rothschild's bag.

Yes. Just a Wedgwood caf� au lait cup.

Stock item 32-8B.

Page 40, the winter catalog.

Forty-two in the spring. Retails for $75.50.

Do you subscribe to the Rothschild catalog?

No.

I used to work for Rothschild's until they fired me.

I haven't had a decent job since.

My wife left me. She took the kids.

And even my parakeet, Fluffy, just flew away.

I'm so sorry.

Well, you don't have to be sorry.

Just give me the bag.

Okay, everybody, it's time to break bread.

Ooh. Don't say bread.

I think I ate too much.

You're going to miss out

- on these sugary candied yams. - Ooh.

And I got giblet gravy running all over this bird.

Did you say giblet gravy?

Mmm-hmm.

Sounds like something we can work with.

Has anyone seen Miss Thing?

Don't call her that, Mom.

I'll call them like I see them, chipmunk.

I'm about to serve dinner and she's not here.

The whole Wayne family is coming this evening.

Your uncle Layne, your uncle Shayne, your aunt Elaine,

and better not forget Uncle John and his dog, Tulane.

Mom! You're not getting the whole picture.

If the picture were any clearer, you wouldn't need glasses.

Let it go, Adele.

Okay. Let it go, you say?

I'm telling you I've had enough.

I'm not one to say, "I told you so," but I told you so.

That girl is spoiled, selfish, inconsiderate,

and talks too much. Always talking, "Mrs. Wayne, this, Mrs. Wayne, that."

Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne�"

I don't mind anybody talking if they've got something to say.

On this subject, you always got something to say.

- Huh! - Could somebody pass the yams?

I chose you, even though my mother couldn't stand you.

- What? - Our boy deserves the same opportunity.

"Opportunity"? I'm not going to give my child the opportunity

to let a siddity, high-heel wearing, fur-coat slinging magnolia blossom

ruin his life. No!

Mom. Mom.

You don't understand what's going on.

Well, explain it to me, dear. Where is she?

She went to buy you a present.

Just what I thought. Went out to buy-

Have some gravy with that crow you're eating.

She was upset because she bought you a Steubling Santa.

She's trying to impress you, and you're not making it easy for her.

Sorry, I was trying to protect you. I didn't want to see you hurt.

Mom, Chipmunk is not a little baby anymore. I'm a man.

Yeah, you act like this boy's still in diapers.

So did your mama. That's the way she treated you.

No, no, no, you are much worse.

I certainly am not!

Do you remember how Miss Old Thing wore me out?

Saying I wasn't good enough for her son,

I didn't look cute enough or cook good,

I couldn't do nothing right for your family. Nothing!

Now, look at this. What's wrong with you, sugar?

Why are you crying, baby?

All this arguing reminds me of my family.

See, I told you.

The boy is crying now.

- You let that be a lesson to you. - What?

I don't know. The boy's crazy.

Hey, that might be Whitley. Hold it down.

Hello? Whitley!

She's at the airport.

- The airport? - Airport?

Her cabby drove her all around the city trying to jack up the fare.

She got wise when she saw the Lufthansa jet.

- Let me talk to her. - Hold on, baby.

Whitley, Woody Wayne here.

I've got a friend, Omar, who drives a shuttle bus.

In about ten minutes, he should be swinging past

to Save Big Rent-A-Car depot.

Now, tell Omar that you're my friend, and he'll take care of you.

Are you all right, sugar?

All right, all right.

She should have taken the bus.

How many games do we have to watch today? Ten?

Eleven.

- Whitley. - Dwayne.

What an ordeal!

I was accosted by Santa Claus!

- What? - What are you talking about?

Wait. Let her breathe.

Sit down, honey, and tell me what happened.

I was on the subway platform,

and this man dressed up like Saint Nicholas tried to mug me.

And he was really quite a pathetic soul,

till he took my shopping bag.

- Baby, are you okay? - I'm fine.

I ran up the platform, I called the police.

They went down and got him.

And I even managed to save the present.

Whitley, the next time you get mugged, don't resist.

Give them what they want and get out of there with your life.

Oh, I couldn't do that

and let him take Mrs. Wayne's present.

It's for you.

Oh, Gosh. We must talk.

Let's sit down and talk. You guys leave.

- Leave, leave. - Let's go, fellas.

Now, what were you thinking when you tried to save this thing?

Uh�

I just had to get you a present that you would love and cherish.

Rothschild's. You spent a lot for this, didn't you?

I had to.

You're Dwayne's mother.

And I wanted to show you how I really, really feel.

Honey, you don't have to show somebody how you feel

by buying expensive gifts.

That's not the way.

- It's not? - No.

Well, I didn't know what else to do.

I kept messing up around here, so I just�

Open it.

No, Whitley, take it back. It's not necessary.

Please, Mrs. Wayne.

Okay, if you insist.

Oh, it's so pretty, and so many pieces.

Look-a there.

- Pieces? - Pieces.

It's broken! It's broken, broken!

Don't knock yourself, honey, it's just a broken gift.

The thought is solid.

You don't hate me?

Well, I wasn't overly fond of you at first,

but any woman who would risk her life over a broken cup

and give me one of those ugly Steubling Santas must love my Chipmunk.

With all my heart.

Well, that's all I wanted to hear.

Let me feed you and put some meat on those bones

before your legs sue you for non-support.

Angie, come on over.

Come one over. This is Angie.

Oh, hold on.

Oh, cousin John!

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas to you too.

- How's it going? - It's going good.

Wait. I don't want that mutt jumping on my company's legs.

He doesn't do that. We got him fixed.

I got a place fixed for him. Take him in the back.

Hair all over my food. Get him out of here.

Oh! I'm too full to move.

Would someone like to get me a piece of that sock-it-to-me cake?

- Mr. Wayne, you're quite a musician. - Thank you, Whitley.

Yes, he is, isn't he? That's how I met him.

In the Village, playing the piano in this little club.

And one night I walked in,

and he's been playing my tune ever since.

Wayne residence. Shane Wayne speaking.

Hold the horn. Anybody here named Ron?

- Yeah. - Yo, phone for you.

"Anybody named Ron?"

I'm the only one not named Wayne-nayne or something.

Hello?

Oh. Oh, hi, Dad.

Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too.

Really?

Okay, yeah. All right, bye-bye.

Hey, hey. My dad said he misses me

and he wants me to take the next flight to Hawaii.

- Good. - Aloha.

Dwayne, this is our first Christmas together.

Here's to many more, baby.

Adele?

- Yes, Woodchuck? - Come here, girl.

Okay. What do you want, darling?

- Merry Christmas, baby. - Merry Christmas to you, baby.

It's going to be merrier than that.

? All year long I've traveled ?

? To places near and far ?

? Working for a living ?

? Oh, sometimes the road gets hard ?

Sing it, Mama.

? But the first snowflakes of winter ?

? My heart goes straight back home ?

? To the days when I was little ?

? Before life on my own ?

? Nothing could be better ?

Sing, Wayne family.

? Than Christmas here with you ?

? Family joined together ?

? Loved ones old and new ?

? As we gather here ?

? The season's cheer ?

? Makes our Yuletide wish come true ?

- ? Better than Christmas here with you ? - ? Nothing ?

? Nothing could be better Than being with you ?

? And you and you ?

? And you and you ?

? And you too ?

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