Original subtitles

Dwayne, Dwayne, wherefore art thou, Dwayne?

Deny thy Kinu, and kick her butt back to Tokyo.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

'Tis Dwayne asleep on the couch.

Is he dreaming of me, his sweet Juliet?

Me thinks you are dreaming.

It's rude to eavesdrop, Jaleesa.

Oh, but it's okay to come snooping on Dwayne and Kinu?

I'm not snooping.

Besides, Kinu isn't even in there.

She's probably at The Pit getting ready for the wake.

Whitley, it is not a wake, okay?

It is an anniversary party for Dwayne and Kinu.

Same difference.

I can't believe you're even going.

Neither can Kinu.

But Dwayne invited me and I'd hate to disappoint him.

Well, just stay away from their window, okay?

And do something useful, like clean ours.

I don't do windows.

Or dishes, or sinks, or floors, or the toilet, or the laundry!

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me, come what may ?

? Mmm ?

? I know now that I'm ready, yeah ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it, hey! ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it! ?

? We can take it, hey ?

? Just remember that you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? Yeah, than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from! ?

Help.

Help, help!

- Oh! Hey, I got you. I got it.

I got it.

Hello?

- Chipmunk? - Mom?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Honey, you don't sound fine.

It sounds like you need some of your mama's prune cobbler.

Mmm!

Prune cobbler, just the way my baby likes it.

- To keep him sweet and regular. - Oh.

Mom, that's nasty, Mom.

It's not nasty. I was just whipping up a good old tasty batch.

When something told me,

"Adele Wayne, put down those prunes and pick up that phone."

So that's what I did.

Well, no, Mom. Everything's fine here. Really. How's Dad?

It's not about your father, it's about Abraham Lincoln.

- You remember Abraham Lincoln? - Yeah.

He said, "You can fool some people some time,"

but you can never fool your mama."

Now, I know what it is. It's that girlfriend, isn't it?

Mom, Kinu's fine, Mom.

Sure, she is fine. She's a lucky thing.

Does she realize how lucky she is?

You'll really like Kinu, Ma, trust me.

That's what you said about Miss Thing, remember?

Who?

Miss Thing, Miss Girl, Miss Uppity.

The one who sashayed into your room and thought I was the housekeeper.

I didn't mind being called that. Some of my best friends are housekeepers.

It was just the way she said it.

- Mom, Mom, Mom- - Remember?

Mom, her name was Whitley, and she was sorry.

Yeah, she certainly was.

I've always been worried about your taste in woman.

Ever since you were five.

You remember all those girls had fits over you?

You would put on Jackson 5 sunglasses

and run around and drive them all crazy.

You would say, "Sit down, girls. I think I love you."

No, stand up, girls, and show me what you can do."

? Shake it, baby, shake it ?

? Ooh, shake it baby- ?

Mom, Mom, I got to go.

I got something to do. Something important.

Yeah, like get your head out my underwear and your butt out my drum.

Mom, I love you. I got to go.

I love you. Keep singing. I'm hanging up.

You know, I'm trying to think of a friendly way

to tell you how you look.

Oh, man, I don't know what's wrong.

I can't concentrate. I didn't sleep last night.

- Again? - I keep having the same nightmare.

I'm in this room. And the room is a big mess.

And I'm looking for something that's in the closet,

but I can't find the key because the room is such a mess

and the room represents my life.

No, the room represents your room.

And if you want to see what's in your closet�

take a look.

You know, I tell you, Dwayne. Ever since you kissed Whitley,

you haven't been the anal retentive brother you normally are.

Don't go there, Ron.

For the last two weeks, you've been living like a ditch pig.

Exhibit A, one funky sock.

I'm talking about my life, not my feet.

Oh. If the shoe fits, do us a favor and put it on, you know?

Listen, you Phi Beta Kappa big shot.

You got a full scholarship, a secure job future.

A suave, debonair, dignified best friend�

Yes. And not to mention, a beautiful girlfriend.

Hup. Flag on the play!

What are you talking about? Kinu?

Get out of here. Kinu is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

And this marks the anniversary

of six absolutely wonderful, absolutely wonderful months together.

Yeah, just the three of us.

- Dwayne, honey? - Hey.

I thought the purpose of having an anniversary party

this afternoon was to celebrate.

Yeah.

So who invited Whitley Gilbert?

Oh, sweetie, she's just a friend,

and we've invited everybody else.

Sweetheart, there's an old Japanese expression.

"If you're having a picnic, don't invite the ants."

Baby, why can't you leave Whitley alone?

Why can't she leave you alone?

Oh!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

And how I wish we could have some privacies.

Oh! Don't mind me.

I just live here and pay half the rent.

Ron, wouldn't you be happier if you went out

and found yourself a girlfriend?

Kinu!

Oh, I have several, and occasionally they go home.

Oh!

Well, you could definitely use a maid.

Kinu!

Man, I'd be having nightmares too.

- I don't think he likes me. - Oh, ignore him.

Sweetheart, this certainly wasn't a good way to start our anniversary.

No, it wasn't.

Well, I know how to make things all better.

Hold it. You're not touching this stuff till I see some ID.

- I haven't been carded since� - Last night.

Well, you two can have some Yoo-hoo.

Well, here's mine.

You don't need a card.

Happy anniversary, Dwayne.

Damn! Whoa!

Great dress. It's the wrong color, but you look great.

You look� tired.

Huh? Well, I haven't gotten any sleep lately.

Please spare me the tawdry details.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep-

Sweetie, it's time for a picture.

- Oh� - Excuse us.

I'm sure you'll find someone to talk to.

Okay. Come on. It's picture-taking time.

- Baby, that was cold. - Okay.

You know she has no business being here.

- Dwayne, you're not smiling. - Take the picture, Freddie.

Oh. Wait, wait.

The composition is all wrong.

Kinu, move three inches to the left. Dwayne, two to the right. Okay.

Uh, no, no.

There's still too much negative space.

Freddie, don't you think you should remove the lens cap?

- Thank you, Matthew. - Just a suggestion.

All right.

Oh. No, no. See.

The tonal values are too consistent. I need a splash of color.

- Whitley, get in the picture. - Love to.

- One, two- - Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your foot?

Take the picture, Freddie.

One, two�

Freddie, you're not getting the shine from Kinu's nose are you?

I wouldn't want the glow to spoil the memory.

Take the picture, Freddie.

One, two, three.

Now I'd like a picture with just the two of us.

Whitley, can I talk to you, please?

- What? - Give it up.

What are you doing out here?

Avoiding the same person you are, and freezing.

Ron, this is the winter of my discontent.

I've lost my credit cards. I've lost Dwayne.

In short, my life is a mess.

Your life sounds like my living room.

Wait. I think I'm on to something here.

What?

Stay with me now. How would you like to earn extra a little money

and clean up Dwayne's life at the same time?

Help. Help me.

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help. Help.

I'm trying to.

It's the same dream.

Messy room. Closet. The answer's inside.

- Whitley! - Dwayne.

- Dwayne? - Closet!

- Dwayne. - Kinu.

Hi, honey. What are you doing?

I'm just standing here, sweating.

Why?

It's a man thing.

Let me out of here!

- Dwayne, what's going on? - Kinu, let me� let me explain.

What do you mean?

Whitley!

Hi, Nuki.

My name is Kinu.

And my name is mud.

- Dwayne, I'd like an explanation. - So would I. Kinu-

Happy anniversary!

Who is she supposed to be?

I'm your new housekeeper.

Fifi was your idea?

No, she was yours.

I do recall you saying something like, "We need a maid."

Ron, can I speak to you outside for a second, please?

Outside, please. Outside.

Ron, you hired Whitley to be our maid?

Just trying to help.

Help? By sticking me between Kinu and Whitley?

Why don't you send me to Kuwait?

Somebody's got to help you.

I'll tell you what I need. I need peace and sleep.

- The last thing I need- - Chipmunk?

Guess who's here?

Hey, sweetie.

- Mom. - Chipmunk.

What are you doing here?

The way you sounded on the phone,

I figured you needed some TLC, some tender loving cobbler.

Oh, Mom.

- Yeah! - Not that prune stuff.

I'm going to give you enough this time to put hair on that moustache.

Now, give me a hug and help me inside.

Mr. Wayne, tell me something. How was your flight?

Oh, honey, I'm glad you asked

This woman next to me,

all she wanted to hear about was my Dwayne.

You look so tired.

So, for three hours, it was "Chipmunk this" and "Chipmunk�"

You look skinny too!

So, honey, let me tell you what I did.

I told her about his Phi Beta Kappa.

And she pulled out this picture of her niece.

Ain't that a ugly child?

But an excellent student and bake-off champion.

She loves to play the tuba, but that won't help that face.

Anyway I told her Dwayne had a girlfriend.

Thank you, Mom.

But I said Ron was free.

No, you didn't?

- Mom, where you going? - I'm going inside.

- Right now? - Yes, what's the matter?

Ron got a girl in there?

Not me.

You think you're pretty clever, don't you?

Pardonnez moi?

No, I think we better talk in English.

I have to ask you to wipe those less-than-petite feet on the mat

before entering the apartment.

Or better yet, on your way out.

If anyone's on her way out, it's you.

Kinu, I have a surprise for you.

Well, it had better not be another maid.

Hello, Kinu. I'm Dwayne's mother.

Oh! My goodness, Mrs. Wayne. I'm so sorry�

Mrs. Wayne, let me get your coat.

Miss Thing, and what are you doing here?

Well, that's a very good question.

I'm the new maid.

Dwayne, you better start explaining things now, honey.

Mom, this was not my idea.

Well, I'd love to stay, but I bet that Jaleesa's real lonely.

So, Mom, I mean, what a surprise.

- Yes, a surprise for me too. - If I'd known you were coming�

Yes, you would have cleaned.

Excuse the mess. Things aren't usually this way.

- What's the occasion? - So, Ma, why don't you sit down.

Here, I'll clean off a place for you.

Honey, what is this?

Have you ever heard of a vacuum cleaner?

Ma, this is such a surprise.

You already said that. Shut up.

Mrs. Wayne, why don't I fix us a little lunch?

Ooh! You're in for a special treat.

All right, everyone, let's sit down.

Sit down on what?

- On the floor, Ma. - It's customary.

- Come on, Ma, take off your shoes. - Don't push it.

Ooh!

- Ma, you okay? - I'm all right sitting on this floor.

Look at this little stuff.

Little green things with rice.

Mrs. Wayne, in Japan, food is an expression of the spirit.

Mmm-hmm, I see.

And this special dish reflects the delicate balance of my union

with Dwayne.

His fire to my water�

his sun to my moon�

His fly to your spider.

Come on, Ma, try it. Eat up.

I'll try it.

Good God.

Mrs. Wayne, would you like me to get you something

to wash that down with?

Mmm-hmm. Some tea, please.

- Dwayne? - Yeah, tea for me too, Whitley.

Whitley?

Yes, Kinu-sabe?

I'll have tea too.

Mrs. Wayne, why don't I make you a nice croque madame?

A what?

It's made with lightly toasted French bread,

delicate slices of ham, and cheese that just melts in your mouth.

It's all grilled to a nice, yummy, golden brown.

Mmm, sounds like a ham and cheese sandwich to me.

I can't eat this stuff.

Your tea kettle is steaming, Whitley.

Ma, tell us about yourself. I mean, Whitley, Kinu�

Honey, just be quiet. Just calm down. Let your mother take over.

Well, Dwayne tells me that you attend Avery University.

Yes, I'm an economics major.

And you do have your own apartment, right?

Yes.

Uh-huh. I see.

I've been helping Dwayne decorate.

- Oh, you cook and decorate? - Ma�

Honey, did you tell your mother how we met in Tokyo?

Tell me.

Oh! Okay, so, Ma, it was the first day at Kinishewa-

Lemon and sugar, Mrs. Wayne?

Just plain, thank you.

I know how Dwayne likes his.

A dash of sugar, a little bit of milk.

How's that?

That's perfect.

Go on, Dwayne.

Oh, um�

- It was the first day of Kinishewa- - Kiki, lemon?

Just give me the cup.

- Anyone for prune cobbler? - Oh�

- I'll get it. - No, I'll get it.

- I'm the maid. - You're not the main here anymore.

- It's my job. - It's not your job�

Whoo, child!

- I'm mad now, honey. - Mom. Mom�

I'm getting out of here. If you had sense, you'd come with me.

If I had a newspaper, I'd whack them both on the behind.

Wait. I don't know what to do, Mom.

I don't know what to do.

Let me tell you something. My mouth is shut.

You know your mama. I got a zip-lock on these lips.

I've never seen any women fight over a man like that in my life.

Like two little poodle dogs,

fighting over you like you were a bone scrap.

Did I raise you to be a bone scrap?

And they dropped my cobbler too!

Shoot!

What are you doing here?

I'm trying to clean up this mess.

You know what I'm talking about. Why can't you just leave us alone?

I've got a job to do.

Not anymore. Please leave.

I'm not off till 5:00, Koo-koo-lee.

The name is Kinu.

Ki-nu. Kinu!

And you are fired! Fired! Fired!

Go on, Dwayne, tell her! Tell her she's fired!

Whitley, I have to talk to Kinu alone.

Sweetie, this can't go on.

- That's exactly why I fired her. - No, that's not what I'm talking about.

I don't want her around anymore.

You can't fire Whitley.

I fired the maid.

Whitley's not the maid.

Then who is she, Dwayne?

Every time she's around, something goes wrong between us.

No, that's not her.

That's me.

Why don't you just tell me the truth?

You're in love with Whitley.

Well, I don't know.

Um�

You don't have to fire me, Dwayne.

I quit.

Goodbye, Whitley.

It was so nice to have met you, Mrs. Wayne.

Are you leaving?

- Whitley? - Yes.

I saw Mr. Gaines downstairs and he let me borrow this.

This is a vacuum cleaner.

Now, take it inside and use it, honey.

I don't think� I don't think I should go back in there.

What's going on?

I'm not sure, but when you do go in there,

would you tell Dwayne that I'm resigning from my position

and that I'm sorry.

It was really nice seeing you again, Mrs. Wayne.

Mmm� Well, I guess the party's over.

Honey, are you okay?

I don't know, Ma.

You want to tell your mama about it?

I just broke up with Kinu.

I don't understand it.

She was smart, wonderful, beautiful, perfect.

But it just wasn't happening, you know?

- Mmm-hmm. - Then there's Whitley.

She's driving me crazy and always hanging around

and I like it.

I don't get it. What's wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you. You're just confused, that's all.

And I'm hungry too.

Well, I can't fix everything, but I sure can fix that, honey.

Look what I got for you.

A spare.

Yes, I have a spare prune cobbler. Ah-ha!

Child, you know I didn't travel without this little spare for my baby.

Yeah, I traveled with this for you. This is my little extra.

Mom, The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Kinu.

I know, honey. Mmm.

But I can't stop thinking about Whitley.

Well, all I want for you is just to be a happy boy�

Mmm, Ma, wait-

- With the right woman that is. - Ma, Ma.

I haven't finished the first bite yet.

Ma, how do I know�

How do I know when the right woman comes along, though?

All I know, son, is when the right woman comes along,

you'll know it, and so will your mama.

I just wish your taste in women was as good as your taste in cobbler.

But like I said, my mouth is shut.

Yes, it is, honey. I got a zip-lock on these lips.

A zip-lock that you don't know how to use.

I won't use it until I say two more words.

Kimberly Reese. Kimberly Reese. Kimberly Reese.

That's the girl I want for you.

She's the finest thing and she's going to be a doctor.

She could take care of your heart and health.

She's got pretty white teeth,

she'll be a good wife for you, and daughter-in-law for me too.

- Mom� - Marry her.

- Mom� - Mmm.

- I love you. - I love you too, Chipmunk.

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