Original subtitles

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it We can take it ?

? Hey, just remember That you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

All right, troops, listen up.

Order of events for the military dinner is as follows.

Banquet doors open precisely at 1800 hours.

1815, presentation of colors, followed by salutation of same.

Grace and dinner at 1830.

2100, roasting of Colonel Taylor and his post-roast remarks

culminating with the announcement of the cadet of the year at 2120.

Are there any questions?

Yeah, what time does the thing start?

Ron, at ease. You're dealing with civilians.

Roastmaster General what's the word from the humor department?

Yes, sir, check this out.

The man is such a perfectionist,

I caught him spit-shining his cat.

Check this out.

The man's been standing at attention so long,

his butt fell off.

We're supposed to honor the man, not bury him.

Hey, I owe it to the man.

All the money he stole from me playing poker.

No, Walter. I've played poker with you.

No one steals your money.

You give it away.

I hope you have your oven mitts on

'cause I finished my skit, and it is sizzling with satire.

Every line a live grenade.

"Colonel Taylor, this is your life."

"When Colonel Taylor went to school his mom didn't car-pool,

"she tank-pooled."

Thanks for playing.

Afternoon, Vernon.

Don't bother me, Brad.

I'm trying to figure out my menu for tomorrow night.

- Yeah, I'm looking forward to that roast. - I'm not.

These health nuts have taken all the fun out of food.

Everything's got to be cholesterol-free, calorie-free,

which always means taste-free.

You got any idea who they got lined up as my surprise guest speaker?

I remember the good old days when a military dinner

meant a nice, hefty slab of beef, gristle and all.

You'd have to mix the potatoes with a cement mixer

and pour the gravy over with a garden hose.

I wonder if it's my old buddy Colin Powell.

No, he's probably out of the country, huh.

Al Haig?

Vernon?

Well, we met once at a party at the Pentagon.

All he did all night was complain about the caviar.

Oh, no, there will be no caviar.

Just deviled eggs and pigs in a blanket.

Margaret Thatcher.

Well, we were stuck once in an elevator at the UN.

Vern, you learn a lot about people under those conditions.

All you'll get from me is name, rank, serial number.

I'm good with secrets.

To this day, Velma don't know what I put in my meat loaf,

and I sleep next to her.

Colonel Taylor, he's our man.

If he can't teach us, no one can.

Read the paper.

That's it.

Sound off, one, two�

Okay, we are coming along.

Jaleesa, that's solid work.

- Keep it up. - Thank you.

Ivy Jean Darty.

Pace, dear, pace.

Ever heard of rhythm? Thank you.

Freddie.

Yes?

Work on it.

Ernest, you just keep doing what you're doing

'cause you do it so well.

Thanks, Whitley.

Thank you.

I merely wrote the words.

You gave them life.

I was just beginning to feel so good about my "solid."

People, people, 7:00 p.m.

Don't be late.

You know something, Whitley. You are amazing.

You can't even talk to a guy without flirting.

"Ernest, I merely wrote the words.

"You gave them life."

I wish you'd put that much energy into your character.

You can't help it.

You've got this big old flirt gene.

You're mistaking charm and effervescence for flirting.

You're out of control.

You even flirt with yourself.

I've seen you in your mirror.

I don't have to flirt.

Men hit on me, I don't hit on them.

You should know.

I'll tell you something I do know.

You couldn't get through one night without charming and effervescing.

You're on.

All right.

Tomorrow night at the military dinner.

I'll be watching you.

What else is new?

All right, thanks.

Well, if it isn't Ron Johnson, cadet of the year.

Don't jinx me, Homes.

Your name's already on the plaque.

You saw it?

- No. - I knew it, man.

I don't stand a chance. It will be Fatima Ford all over again.

Why are you dubious?

ROTC stands for Ron-o Top Cadet.

That's true.

My GPA has gone up this year.

It couldn't have gone down.

And I do hold the platoon record for weapons assembly.

Rifles and handguns.

And the entire responsibility of this military banquet

rests squarely on my shoulders.

You're right. Fatima's gon' get it.

Sir.

At ease, men, at ease.

Ah, Sergeant Johnson, I've noticed your work in physical training.

Thank you, sir. I do my best sit-ups at 6:00 a.m.

The secret is an empty stomach.

Well, I'll remember that.

Hey, what's up, Colonel?

Ready to hit that track?

I'll get some roast material for your roast.

Only thing I'll give you is dust 'cause that's what you'll eat.

Excuse me.

Don't you have a surprise guest to pick up?

- Oh. Right. - Yeah, say, guys. Come, come.

This surprise guest wouldn't by any chance

carry a purse and speak with a British accent?

Oh, man! What is it with you and Margaret Thatcher?

Margaret Thatcher?

Man, I'm talking about downtown Julie Brown.

Carry on, Sergeant. Carry on.

People have just lost their minds.

Whatever happened to doing a job and doing it right?

Look what Patty's printers did with my napkins.

- "ROTC dinner, Helium College." - Mm-hmm.

And when the bill comes

I'm making the check out to pitiful printers.

Now let Patty try and cash that.

Ain't nobody wants to do what they're supposed to do.

It's all clear.

This is The Pit, Hillman's version of the mess hall.

Students come for the food, but they stay for the ambience.

My ambience is home with the kids.

Oh, really?

Oh, no.

Maybe we should go and call them.

Yeah. There's a phone out here�

Spec-4 Frank Benning.

Colonel.

Man, it's been a long time.

It's been 23 years.

An Kh�, Vietnam.

Why are you here?

He was your surprise guest speaker.

Permission to crawl underneath a moving vehicle.

That's all right.

Frank Benning.

Man, I� I� I can't get over this.

It's me, Colonel.

Not as quick in the 40-yard dash.

Life's been good to you.

I can't complain.

You know. Gee, Frank�

I can't get over this.

So, Frank, you live in these parts?

No, no. I live in DC.

I'm chief of the Vocational Rehabilitation

for the Veteran's Administration.

We help disabled vets, help get 'em back to into the workplace.

There's nothing better for a man's self-esteem

than gainful employment.

Well, now a gorgeous woman don't hurt.

Now you're talking.

Hey, Colonel, man, we should get together before dinner,

have a couple of drinks, compare old war lies.

I'd like to, Frank, but I got classes all afternoon.

Classes?

Yeah. Well, listen, I better get a move on, man.

Getting this peg into a pair of tuxedo pants,

well, it could take some time.

I'll see you, uh, see you guys later.

Don't pay no mind to the napkins

'cause you in the right school.

Take it easy, Frank.

I'm sure glad he's speaking and not that Margaret Thatcher.

She'd be beating down my door for tea and crumpets.

Well, I don't know about you, Brad,

but I could use a refill.

Uh-hmm.

What's bothering you, Brad?

Your face looks lower

than the price of strawberries in June.

I'm the reason Frank left his leg over in Vietnam.

Now what are you talking about?

Well�

we were out patrolling the bush, you know.

Diamond formation.

Strictly routine.

We thought the Viet Cong hadn't reached that part of the sector yet.

All of a sudden, in the time it takes a heart to beat,

we found ourselves in the middle of an ambush.

Uh-oh.

Now, I knew what to do.

Heck, I'd just gotten out of officers' training.

It's all still fresh in my mind.

I ordered my men to rush.

A lot of platoon leaders tell that same story.

My story should have started with taking cover, regrouping.

Benning was my first casualty.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, well.

He was one of the best I had in E company, you know.

Also one of the youngest.

Eighteen-years-old.

All-state sprinter.

Full of potential.

You couldn't have been much older than that yourself. What were you? 25?

I was 21. Old enough to know better.

Says who?

At 21,

the cat is still licking the fuzz from under your chin.

- You expected to make mistakes. - No.

Vernon, when you are in charge, you only get one chance

when it's a matter of life and death.

Oh, look at this hole.

That's it.

I'm not going.

Ron, let me look at the sock.

- I'm not going to the dinner. - Ronald, stop it.

This hole is not going to show through those shined wing tips.

That's not the point.

The point is, let's face it, I got the screw-up touch.

All I had to do this afternoon was keep the surprise guest speaker a surprise

for three more hours. And what do I do?

I lead the man to Colonel Taylor and practically sit him on his lap.

What did the Colonel say?

He said, "It's all right, Johnson."

And?

Dwayne, in Colonel Taylorese,

"It's all right" is the equivalent

of, "Turn in your stripes, you have no use on the planet."

It also means, "Fatima Ford, you're the cadet of the year."

You have no right to think she's getting an award

unless you work at the trophy shop.

I'm not getting the award, Dwayne.

Man, nobody is harder on you than you.

Remind me to introduce you to my dad.

If you don't go

you're going to miss Mr. Gaines's chicken dinner.

I hear he's using real chicken.

It will be in tomorrow's chicken loaf.

I've had the chance to hang out with my man Colonel Taylor.

You still get a chance to see him like that.

My man has a way with women.

They go away when he shows up.

He can do anything better than you.

We were saying, "I'm going to run in the marathon."

He had flashbacks.

"I remember I was in Vietnam.

"I ran from Vietnam to Cleveland to get a sandwich."

We always talking about how he was a hero.

He's always talking about how he was bad in the war.

Look, the man weighed 90 pounds wet.

I can't see him beating up nobody.

One time, I saw him walking in that same ugly green suit.

It was high water. The wind was blowing.

The wind went up the bottom of his high water pants

and since he has no butt, it zipped up his back,

picked him off the ground

and threw him across campus.

Knocked him upside Gilbert Hall

and got up like nothing happened.

"Okay, okay."

That's all right, man.

We love you, anyway. Colonel Taylor, you're my main man.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Hillman not-ready-for-roast-time players

are proud to present our tribute

to our favorite math and military science professor.

Colonel Bradford Taylor,

this is your life.

? Colonel Taylor, he's our man ?

? If he can't teach us, no one can ?

? Colonel, we don't mean to boast ?

? But tonight you're going to roast ?

? Sound off ?

? One, two ?

? Sound off ?

? Three, four ?

? Sound off ?

? One, two, three, four One, two, three, four ?

Lovely.

Lovely, lovely. Thank you.

Colonel Taylor was born on the fourth of July

after a rather protracted labor.

It's a little math joke.

Anyway, it all began in Beaufort, South Carolina.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor.

It's a soldier.

Permission to cry, dear?

There, there.

Once the Colonel and I went bowling.

And he rolled that ball down the alley.

Haven't seen that ball since.

Why aren't you laughing? That was funny.

I tell you what's funny.

I've seen this man play poker.

He didn't have nobody to school him in the finer points like I did.

I learned my poker in '48 when I was playing semi-pro ball

for the Spartanburg Senators.

I won a fortune off Don Newcombe.

He had a fast ball, but I had a full house.

- I tell you another thing- - Thank you, Mr. Gaines.

Well, congratulations, Brad, and we love you.

Well, now it's time to introduce our guest de resistance.

He's a former member of the US Army

where he served under Colonel Taylor.

At that time, he was a little baby Colonel.

Let's give a warm "Helium College" welcome

to Mr. Frank Benning.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's been a great evening.

It's been great because most of it has been spent honoring a great man,

Colonel Bradford Taylor.

By your response, I can see that the Colonel is loved and admired

despite the fact

that cadet Johnson says you all call him Dr. War.

Oh. Just take the award, Fatima.

Back in Nam, the guys at E company, we had a nickname for him too.

We called him Lieutenant Push-Ups,

because the man would give you ten just for waking up.

We joked about him being a perfectionist

right up until the day that� that perfectionist saved our lives.

We were in the bush

and under heavy artillery fire attack by the Viet Cong.

For many of us in the company, it was our first combat experience.

I was terrified.

My first instinct was to run.

But Lieutenant Taylor,

suffering from a severe shoulder wound himself,

led us in holding down those ambushes.

If it hadn't been for him,

none of us would have made it out of there.

And I would have lost more than just a leg.

This man taught us what it means to be a hero.

So it gives me great pleasure

to present the man that showed me what courage is all about.

Lieutenant Push-Ups.

Thank you.

Well� well, I don't know what to say.

You know, at 21, the title "leader,"

that's a heavy weight to bear.

Now, at 44�

you're asking me to consider myself a hero.

Well, I don't know if I weigh enough to carry that weight.

And I don't know if I can accept it

unless I am allowed to shoulder it

with people like Frank Benning

and all the guys in E company.

You see, a man can make it to the top of a hill

and plant a flag.

But no one can make it to the top of that hill alone.

You'll never know what this night has meant to me.

And for all of those� those students

who lent their considerable theatrical talents

to my unauthorized biography,

let me just say,

I'll see you come finals time.

I'd like to thank Colonel Taylor for that very moving speech.

For those of you who missed the good parts

he'll be outside after the show selling them for $8.95.

No checks, please, 'cos he needs cash to get some new clothes.

Whitley will be selling her tapes,

Death of a Student, for $1.95.

Enough talking, y'all.

Let's get busy.

Uh, Whitley.

Yes.

You sure look pretty in pink.

Why, thank you.

And you�

are blocking my view of the dance floor.

See you around.

Bye.

Can I ask y'all to take your seats, please.

Take your seats, please.

It is time for me to announce

this year's distinguished cadet award winner.

All right, Fatima.

The cadet who has proven to be an all-around soldier

in the classroom, a model student.

She cheats, man.

And in the field, an excellent leader.

This year's cadet

personifies what the army is all about.

- That's it. I'm out of here. - Come on.

The winner of this year's distinguished cadet award

goes to Sergeant Ronald Johnson.

You won! You won!

Ron, you're going the wrong way.

- I won? - You won.

- I won? - You won!

- I won? - Yes!

Help him, somebody.

You like me.

You really like me.

Yes, we do, partner. We love you.

Is it really true?

My name engraved in gold letters?

- Did they spell it right? - Yep, Ronald Marlon Johnson.

Unbelievable.

Why me, sir?

Well, why not?

When you first came to ROTC,

you were the one soldier that Uncle Sam did not want.

But in time, not a whole lot of time,

you proved to be a leader.

You even make me look good.

- That's what I live for, sir. - Yeah, well, look.

This doesn't go to the perfect soldier.

It goes to the soldier with the perfect attitude.

Now, come on. Don't cry. Come on.

Good to see you.

Whitley, I've been watching you.

Not one eyelash has batted all night.

- You win. - So, what do I get?

Tell you the kind of guy I am.

I will not flirt nor charm nor effervesce

for the next 24 hours.

Good God. Baby, I like the way that dress is wearing you.

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