Original subtitles

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me Come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it, we can take it ?

? Hey, just remember That you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Ooh ?

? Than where you come from ?

Now, item six�

Last week's unfortunate grease fire.

Never mind who's responsible

for nearly destroying my entire life's work.

Now what's important

is that you remember to use the fire extinguisher.

Is that clear, Clarence Peel?

You won't put out a single flame

jumping up and down like a grasshopper

calling for your mama.

Item seven�

Schedule changes.

- Oh. - There will be no changes.

Now start the frying!

And, people, let's be careful in there, please.

- Mr. Gaines. - Mm-hmm?

I know you said no schedule changes

but this really isn't a change.

- It's more like a modification. - Well.

Um, I'm gonna be working Tuesday for Benny

and Saturday for Helen. She has law boards.

Looks like you're putting in more hours than I am.

Are you after my job?

I'm just filling in for some people.

You in college to become a surgeon,

not to make burgers.

Now, you burning the candle at both ends.

I saw you trying to deep-fry my sponges!

They looked like fish cakes!

You already destroyed my sponges!

I don't want you hurting yourself.

What if someone asked you for a bologna sandwich,

you sliced off a half a pound of meat and two fingers?

But I could use the hours!

You need those fingers, too,

unless you plan to hold the scalpel between your toes.

- Mr. Gaines, I just need the hours. - Why you need them, anyway?

Have you gone crazy with your charge card?

No, no no. I like to work. It's what I do to relax.

Oh, well, you can relax here 25 hours a week and no more.

Now, get somebody else to do the rest.

Oh, my goodness!

And not him!

He stops. He pops. He shoots.

And he couldn't hit water if he fell off a boat.

Now it's time for my patented Jordan 360 jump.

And my patented Charles Barkley rejection.

And now, for my "Hakeem The Dream" monster hook.

Dream on, shorty.

Yeah? I got five dollars says, I can tie one arm behind my back,

stick one leg in a bucket and still whup your behind.

- Really? - Yeah.

I bet you five dollars that I don't have that I can get on my knees,

close my eyes, give you 20,

and hit 21 quicker than you can get turned down for a date.

Well, come get some of this, homeski.

Let's go.

Oh, man, you slimed all over me.

No.

That was my Dwayne Wayne super sweat rejection.

That was nasty is what it was.

You guys play an intense game of roundball.

Play for a team?

No. We couldn't let our talents be confined

by that NCAA rule book.

Well, I'm shooting a new mega-pro vitamin commercial next week.

Chuck Lance.

Hey, Chuckie.

You guys are exactly what I've been looking for.

- Yeah? - Uh, what would we have to do, Chuck?

Play a little basketball

and then kick back and wait for the checks to roll in.

We're in, and which way to the bank?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Not so fast, spark plug.

Whenever something sounds too good to be true,

a guardian angel sings in my ear. Right now I hear "Walk On By."

Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

I'll tell you what, take my card.

Talk it over.

And if you decide you're in, give me a call.

Oh, yeah!

No later than four o'clock on Wednesday.

Four o'clock, Wednesday.

"Chuck Lance. Commercial director."

Welcome home.

Oh!

Oh, Walter.

Well, now that I've got your attention,

where the hell have you been?

This is the third time this week you've left before midnight

and come in after 5:30 in the morning.

I've been at work!

Nice try.

The Pit closes at 10:00 pm.

Ooh. And smelling like cheap hooch, too.

It's embalming fluid.

Hey, what you drink is your own business.

Now talk to me.

I'm working at Deaton's funeral parlor, the graveyard shift.

I need a little extra money.

Now, Kim, the funeral business is an honest profession.

But somehow, I don't see you as a hospitality hostess for the dead.

I don't want you coming into my dorm like some thief in the night!

Can't you get financial help somewhere else?

Now, what am I supposed to do?

Call home and go, "Hi, Mom and Dad!

"I just turned down a scholarship from Orange Glow

"because they support apartheid?

"There's no scholarship to replace it,

"and I may never be able to come back to school next year,

"so, Daddy, get off disability and get on overtime."

Okay, Walter Oakes, open mouth, insert foot.

I'm sorry,

and I'm shocked.

A young person giving up some money for something they believe?

I'm proud of you, Kim.

Thanks, Walter.

But you're still a broke sister.

You got that right.

Maybe your father's precinct has some kind of-

No, no, no, no, we don't do that.

I got it. I'm going to get you a football scholarship.

We'll hide you under the bench with helmets and pads.

Nobody will know it's you.

Hey, don't you worry about this one.

I have some pull on this campus, so do some of your friends.

No!

My friends don't know about this, and I want to keep it that way.

I don't want their help or their pity.

Promise me you won't say anything?

Hey, cross my heart and hope to die.

As long as you're not on duty.

Now go on upstairs and get some sleep.

Miss, yes, I know our phone bill is 30 days in arrears

but now won't be a good time to reach out and disconnect someone.

How would I call my mom for the money?

Hello? Hello?

A sense of humor must not be a job requirement.

This just in from the landlord.

"Dear, gentlemen.

"Three-quarters of a month's rent

"gets you three-quarters of an apartment.

"The bathroom is now off limits.

"Thank you. The management, La Granade."

Ron, I have the solution to all our cash flow problems.

We'll dribble them away on national TV.

Oh, what happened to Dwayne "Walk On By" Wayne?

He's gotta use the toilet. Now give me Chuck's number.

Oh, good! It's not 4:00 yet.

No! We've been cut off! We've been cut off!

I got to find a pay phone.

I got to find a pay phone. I need some change!

- I need change. - Chill, homey.

No, I need some change, man!

Our contracts will be here in 15 minutes.

I already called Chuck.

Bless you, Ron.

Bless you.

Bless you.

Hey, Kim took a stand and made a sacrifice.

It's so unfair.

Kim told me that she was selling her scooter

'cause she was tired of having helmet head.

I should've known there was something wrong.

Well. We are going to help that girl raise her tuition money.

Wait a minute.

Kim didn't want anybody to know about this, okay?

You know, we could have a rummage sale or a car wash.

I could play my guitar in front of the bus station.

? Kimberly, Kimberly ?

? Gonna set South Africa free ?

? Kimberly, Kimberly ?

? Come rain, come snow Come hell or high water ?

? Gonna get you some money ?

How about a party?

We can have people pledge money to dance to their favorite song.

Don't ask. I will sing at the party!

It's all my fault. I shouldn't have even told y'all.

Huh. I just can't take this.

Our little Kimmie,

working in a mortuary

with people who were formerly alive.

Well, she has a lot of pride.

You know,

there has been this terrible stench in the room.

I just thought it was her feet.

Have either of you guys seen an actual dead person?

No, and I don't want to.

Well, when I went to Albert Souje's funeral,

Louise Souje's second husband,

he had a terrible golfing accident.

He would never admit that he was stone-deaf

in his left ear.

That's why he didn't hear my daddy go "fore!"

So, they wanted to have an open casket

because he had to be buried with his golf clubs.

I was so relieved when they closed that lid.

We were in the middle of a heat wave,

and he� he was drawing flies.

Everyone's so afraid of death,

but people who were revived after being clinically dead,

they say it's this state of total calm and completeness.

Wow. I wonder if that's really true.

Well, if Kim finds out about our fund-raising scheme, we'll find out

because she gonna kill every last one of us.

Hey.

How you doing? Walter?

Where you going at this hour?

I'm going to work, uh, at the library.

This time of the night, I bet that place is a morgue.

If you all need any more light bulbs, let me know.

Thank you for the light bulbs, Walter.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hey, Kimberly, is there anything that you'd like to say to me?

Or me?

Yeah. Don't wait up.

Oh.

Freddie,

we are now in the fundraising business

because that girl is our friend.

Because that girl means the world to us.

I love her.

What if she finds out what we're up to?

We'll just do what any good, decent friend will do.

We will lie.

Ladies, let's pick up a little liquid refreshment.

Then I'll fast-break to your table and steal your hearts.

You already have!

- Hello! - All right. All right.

- Have a seat. - Thank you, darling.

Brother, you take the one in the skirt.

I'll get the one that gives spandex a good name.

Leech alert, brother. Until they heard about our commercial,

these women wouldn't give us the wrong time of day.

They're trying to use us.

Are you gonna let a little thing like that get in our way?

I say we let them use us till they use us up!

I can do that. Pride is overrated.

Head up, Walt!

If it isn't Spud and Home Front.

You like us now!

About as much as I liked you before. I don't.

- Give me a vanilla shake. - And two root beers.

Walt, you can tell Coach Harris that we might�

Might.

�consider playing for the maroon and gray next season.

He'll be glad to hear that his prayers have been heard.

We will need some perquisites to perk our interests.

Number one, a private interview room

to accommodate all the press including Brent Musburger's hair.

Number two,

personal towel girls�

for those hard-to-reach places.

Don't forget number three.

Small towels for your hard-to-reach places.

Ha, ha, ha.

Two root beers. That'll be $1.80.

$1.80? Keep the change.

Nice tipping, Scrooge McDuck.

Here you go. Enjoy.

Would you look at this tip jar?

Filled to overflowing.

The third day in a row.

And all just for you.

Some of it should go to Clarence. He hasn't caused one grease fire all week!

That's because he's been cleaning out the freezer.

Well, look here.

Another five-dollar bill.

We usually don't collect this much in a semester.

That's because you make your burgers with lettuce, tomatoes, and a smile.

I guess.

But you don't know nothing about holding onto a dollar.

You just dropped your money right on the floor.

But, Mr. Gaines, this is my five.

Well, you know what they say.

Finders, keepers. Losers, weepers!

Thank you.

Oh, yes, ladies.

I've been around many TV commercial shoots

at my dad's auto dealership. It's all very technical, you see.

- That man with the camera� - Uh-huh?

He's the cameraman.

Oh!

- And see this guy with the donuts? - He's the donut man?

Show biz is in your blood!

Let's come over here and get some donuts.

And to what do we owe the honor of your presence, Coach?

Hey, don't be calling me coach.

I don't wanna be held responsible for your sorry basketball playing.

And over here is where the talent sits.

Wait a second.

Four chairs?

Hey, Chuck!

Oh, Chuck!

You didn't say anything about sharing our spotlight.

Oh, yeah. You'll be playing two on two.

Two on two?

Yeah. Walt, Rick!

- We're ready for you here. - Walt, Rick?

Rick Barry and Walt Hazzard?

- Get out of here! - NBA action is fantastic!

This guy holds the all-time NBA free throw record!

89%, right?

90.

Just don't foul the guy.

Rick Barry.

Walt Hazzard. Man, it's an honor to meet you guys!

- My mama named me after you. - Look, I'm not your daddy.

Y'all take it easy on my guys here, man.

Shooting hoops with Rick Barry and Walt Hazzard,

the free throw king and the playmaker. Wow!

Two living legends.

- Take it easy on these old guys. - That's right.

Give me the ball, pop.

Why do I always get the guys who think they can play?

Dwayne! Underneath! Underneath!

Looking for this?

Hey, man�

- Play number one. - Okay.

- It's on me. - Get it!

And, action!

Okay.

- Whoo. Play number two. - Okay.

- Number two, babe. - All right.

Oh!

Wait! Wait!

Chuck, can we do this again?

I started on the wrong foot.

Hey! Aren't you calling fouls, man?

Keep playing. Keep playing. It's perfect!

Perfect?

I think it's time.

I think it's time to quit.

It's time for London Bridges.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Old London Bridges.

Oh.

Okay.

Come on, papa, give me the ball.

Just give me a sec.

High up!

- I got it. - Play number three.

That's it.

Yeah!

Get it up!

Yeah!

Nice shot, Dwayne.

Don't worry, we can edit that one out.

Let's break for five, then we'll go in for the close-ups.

Chuck,

seems like you didn't hire my boys because they're photogenic.

You hired 'em 'cause they're pitiful.

Actually, I cast them for both reasons.

Company slogan says it all.

Oh man, that's cold.

Yeah.

Oh, Walter, I don't get it!

We're getting out butts kicked by the bionic fossils.

Yeah, two fossils who took their mega-pro vitamins today.

What?

In a close-up, these golden words will flash across your ugly faces.

"Guess who didn't take their vitamins today?"

What?

No.

We're gonna be dogged on national TV?

Mm-hmm.

- In 29 languages? - Mm-hmm.

- In perpetuity? - Mm-hmm.

But look at the good side!

You'll get to keep most of the money you make

'cause no self-respecting man, woman, or beast

will want to be seen with you after this humiliation in perpetuity.

- Hi, Kimberly! - Hey.

I want you to call Eric Brown this instant and tell him

that you will go to that semi-formal dance.

I found something you can wear right in my closet.

It's beautiful. Looks brand-new.

Oh, please.

This is where Kent Souje spilt champagne

and this is where I dribbled some sauce b�arnaise. See?

And here's where you forgot to take off the price tag.

Is that what that was?

All this time I thought a bust wire was sticking in my ribs.

Kim, since you have no way to get to work and you sold your scooter,

when you're going to work late at night in the library

where you work very late at night,

I bought you this bike.

Say thank you, Kim.

It must have cost, what? A hundred dollars?

No. No. Look.

Rusty bell.

Ninety-five.

�cents at the yard sale.

Right. 95 cents. There's this woman-

I knew it.

I knew if you guys found out I couldn't pay my tuition, you'd do this.

Guys, you can't fix this.

You can't buy Cinderella a new gown and a carriage

and send her off to the ball.

And you can't turn a pile of tips into tuition paid in full.

I never left a tip in The Pit in my life!

Who else knows?

Knows what?

Kim, you not gonna believe this.

I found these medical books lying in the street on my way here.

You had no right to do this.

This is not your problem.

Yes, it is. We are your friends.

We know how hard it's been for you.

We're just trying to help.

Oh, you helped, all right.

You managed to turn me into a charity case.

Thanks a lot.

Does she know how many hours I spent buying that little dress?

I got bunions, I got corns, I got blisters on top of my corns,

on top of my bunions.

And I'll never do it again!

Never!

- Mr. Gaines? - Hmm.

You know, after a long, cold winter,

it feels good to have the sun beating on my head.

I want to talk to you.

Well, talk a little to the left. You're blocking my sun!

Giving your money back.

What money?

All these fives from the tip jar.

Now how do you know they're mine?

'Cause I know your crinkle.

You always turn up the corner of new bills so they don't stick together.

Oh. Are you going to be a surgeon or a FBI Agent?

You forgot. My dad's a detective.

Well, on to plan B.

Plan B?

The Velma and Vernon Gaines educational fund.

Oh, no, no. You and Mrs. Gaines are not giving me my tuition.

Who said anything about giving?

I'm talking about a loan made payable in 36 installments,

commencing the day you hang up your shingle.

And don't be late with the checks

'cause Velma would charge a late fee!

- Mr. Gaines. - Mm-hmm?

- Mr. Gaines, um� - Yeah?

You are the best, but I can't take your money.

Young lady, you're more stubborn than the lid on a new jar of mustard.

Now, it's not money that's stopping you from becoming a surgeon.

It's you!

You and that jumbo-sized pride of yours.

People got to lie and try and help you behind your back.

Mr. Gaines, nobody's lying-

Don't tell me about how it's better to give than receive.

Sometimes, you gotta learn to take from people

because giving is what makes them feel good.

Guess you told me.

Well, I guess I did!

So I guess the only thing to say is�

- Thank you. - Well, it's about time.

I was beginning to fear for my blood pressure.

What's that foul odor?

Oh, it's embalming fluid.

No. That's a grease fire.

Clarence Peel!

Clarence!

Clarence Peel! Get back, get back fast!

You're going to burn the whole house down!

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