Original subtitles

? I know my parents loved me ?

? Stand behind me Come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready, yeah ?

? For I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? Than where you come from ?

? Yes, it is now, yeah ?

? Here's our chance to make it ?

? And if we focus on our goal ?

? You can dish it We can take it ?

? Hey, just remember That you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? It's a different world ?

? Yeah, than where you come from ?

? Than where you come from ?

I don't think that's going to fit.

Well, it would, if these stupid bars weren't down here.

Those bars bolt the seat to the plane.

Do I look like I care?

There.

I'm afraid you'll have to check it.

Why am I being treated like a common criminal?

First, I get hassled by some snaggletoothed idiot in customs,

and what's next? Strip searched?

Miss, we're not going to be able to take off

until that bag is checked.

Ooh, that's a mature attitude.

Punish everybody on your little plane

'cause you don't have enough storage space.

Why don't you just calm down and give me the bag?

Why don't you beautify America and floss your teeth?

Barbara, you can check my bag. Put her bag up here.

At least somebody has the milk of human kindness

'cause I have never been so harassed on an airline in all my life.

- Dwayne? - That's what my boarding pass says.

What are you doing in first class-

I mean, on this plane?

Flying back to school, just like you.

Well, it certainly is good to see a familiar face.

Although, you don't look all that familiar.

Oh, my suit. Well, I was in Toronto on business.

Is that why you look like you just marched out of Mr. Armani's showroom?

There comes a time in every man's life when he must summon the courage to say,

"Good-bye, J.C. Penney."

Besides, at Kineshewa Electronics, this is my uniform.

- Kineshewa? - Mm-hm.

I do remember you saying you were going to go work there.

Yeah. Started right after school.

All passengers, please take your seats.

Flight attendants, prepare for departure and cross check.

Where are you sitting?

Uh, 4D. How about you?

I'm right here in 2C.

Well, I'll wave to you over the seats.

Wait a minute.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me, sir!

Would you mind switching seats with my husband

so that we could sit together?

Haven't seen the little woman all summer.

Join Greenpeace.

You are a citizen of this planet and you can make a difference.

Mr. Thomas, don't worry about Sharon.

With me in charge, it will be just like her daddy's here.

Son, I know you don't sit like that at your mama's house.

Yes, I do.

Well, then that's why she sent you away.

Get them pontoons on the ground where they belong.

Oh, and you're living with women now,

so why don't you keep your butt to yourself?

Or at least develop it.

Join Greenpeace.

Save the rain forests. Save the planet.

Save this for later.

I think that they did a really nice job on this place.

But I don't know, it just feels like something's missing.

Naugahyde.

- "Naugahyde?" - Sweaty naugahyde.

Aye, it's a manly scent.

Yo, baby, how would you like to bring your sweet self up to my room?

Look, I don't know who�

Oh, you look great. I love your hair.

Well, it wasn't on purpose.

One day at the lab, I got too close to the Bunsen burner.

Before I knew it, I was in style.

Maybe that's what I need to do.

Okay, which one of you guys left this on the stairs?

- This guy. - Head's up!

Can I help you?

Uh, no, I don't think so. I'm just getting settled here.

I don't know how to tell you this but you're getting settled in my room.

Well, I guess I should tell you then.

I snore.

I think you should check your room assignment.

Well, it says right here,

"Room 20-P, Gilbert Hall, third floor."

Third floor.

I won't be but a minute.

"Quincy Lee Tolleson."

You forgot these.

Miss, it's really not polite to read other folks' drawers.

Come in.

I'll just be a minute.

Are you looking for something?

Dorm violations.

Walter, I'm the RA.

You are not gonna find anything illegal in here.

Well, I already see one glaring violation.

Oh, really? And what is that?

Section 36, Code 4.

Failure to kiss the resident director within 20 seconds of his arrival.

You're in big trouble.

Oh, I see. And� what is the punishment?

Well, I don't know right now,

but I have a feeling it's going to be cruel and unusual.

Sharon Thomas is trying to blast me out of the dorm with her Paula Abdul tape.

Just because she can dance, does that mean she should sing?

Eva, why are you coming to me with this?

You and Sharon are two mature, intelligent women.

Besides, Sharon Thomas ain't but this high.

Walter.

Okay. Just put it in your pocket till I get down there.

Walter, I've been thinking.

Maybe it would be easier if I handle the girls' problems

and you handle the guys'.

Jaleesa, that's a very sexist thing to say.

There's no such thing as women problems and men problems.

There's just dormitory problems.

Trouble knows no gender.

Okay, fine. Whatever you say.

I know. And I say we get back to your punishment�

already in progress.

- No. - Sorry.

Don't you know how to knock?

- It's my room. - So?

Jaleesa, that vending machine's jammed again.

I'll handle it.

It usually takes about two days for the soda machine to get jammed.

It's the vending machine in the ladies' room.

Uh-huh. Jaleesa.

And then, after Corfu, Mama and I trekked to Rome.

And, Dwayne, I know why they call it the Eternal City.

I could spend an eternity there.

Yeah?

All those shoes and handbags and belts.

Why the Spanish Steps are just surrounded by the most fabulous little shops.

Gee, I hope you took slides, Whitley.

Well, enough of my boring summer.

- How was Toronto? - Toronto.

Well, their restaurants were almost as good as Montreal's.

Montreal and Toronto. I've never been to Canada.

No wonder those little shops are going out of business over there.

You know my motto, "If the shoe fits, buy it."

- Toronto. - Toronto.

You know what else I really loved about Toronto?

The barbers know how to cut my hair.

I noticed.

You like it?

It complements the shape of your head.

So you're on record as saying you like the shape of my head?

As head shapes go, it's pleasant.

I'll buy that.

- One ginger ale. - Oh, thank you, Barbara.

One mineral water.

And, Dwayne, since this is your last business trip for a while,

we thought we'd give you a little going-away present.

Oh, no, Barbara, you shouldn't have.

Oh! Honey-roasted cashews! I love these. They're so great.

I hope they come in handy for those all-night study sessions.

- You know about those all-nights. - I know.

Excuse me, Barbara.

Could I have a little bit more ice?

We're out.

I guess some of us had our fill of grouch soup this morning.

Mm-hm. Cashew, lightly salted? Nary a trace of coconut oil.

Don't mind if I do.

You know, Dwayne, when you told me

you were going to be a summer intern, I thought it was a euphemism

for "guardian of the coffee machine."

Actually, they started me as an assistant in research and development.

You know, it's amazing. You de-bug one program,

bang, you're the company hero.

You de-bugged a program?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

It had a do-loop that wasn't doing and now it does.

All because of you.

I hope you got a raise.

No, but I did get a key to the junior executive washroom,

not to mention a very nice job offer after I graduate.

- Is that so? - Mm-hm. And�

they gave me these.

"Dwayne Wayne, management trainee program."

Raised lettering.

Very executivo.

Well, yeah. This airline doesn't give cashews to just anybody.

Wait, wait. Did I say you could keep my card?

- Nope. - Give it back.

Try and get it.

That's not fair, Whitley.

Did you feel that?

It's just a little turbulence, that's all.

- Hold me, Dwayne! - Okay.

Hold me tight!

I got you.

I got you.

You all have been asking for co-ed dorms for years.

Well, I didn't.

That's because last year, you practically lived in the men's dorm.

Ooh.

Now, you all know the basic dorm rules.

But I have pondered this situation and come up with my own set of rules

to help facilitate your adjustment.

Rule number one� At no time will any resident be naked.

Um�

That might make it a little bit difficult to take a shower, Walter.

I didn't say it was gonna be easy.

Rule number two, and I cannot stress this one enough.

Underwear will not be worn on the head.

That goes for women, too.

I don't care how pretty and lacy it is,

I don't care how much it costs. I don't wanna see it.

What Walter means is that we trust all of you

to be responsible men and women.

I mean I don't want to see underwear on the head.

Any questions?

Yeah, I got one. You said we can't share washrooms,

but what if there's a long line?

I suggest you develop a really close relationship with God.

Yes, sir?

Now, if I find a girl on the steps, bleeding and unconscious

and it's after curfew, and it's by the girls' restroom,

can I, like, go in there and tend to her?

Do the right thing.

I will.

Get that boy's name.

Now, the watchwords for this year, and y'all repeat after me, are�

- trust� - Trust.

- �responsibility� - Responsibility.

- �and expulsion. - And expulsion?

Now get out of my face.

- Kim! - Whitley!

You look adorable.

How's my Freddie?

Dwayne� you look so different.

I'll say. These clothes make this man fine.

Dwayne Wayne?

Walter, what's happening?

Ooh, you know what the penalty is for impersonating the ebony man?

Be nice.

Well, I'm out of here unless you want me to take your bags up for you.

No, that's all right.

You better leave before you and this suit start a riot.

Okay. Well, see ya.

Okay. Oh, Dwayne.

Thank you for everything.

Ooh, I feel some turbulence coming on.

So how was everyone's summer?

I hope your life insurance is paid.

Come back here, you little cocky roach.

Hey, what are you spraying for, roaches or elephants?

Hey, homie.

What's happening? What's going�

Just a minute. You are not Dwayne Wayne.

You must be Arsenio Hall.

Geez.

Go ahead and smile. Let me see if your gums are three feet high.

Are you through?

Well, whoever you are, welcome home.

And our first guests are on their way over.

No, Ron, no guests. I'm exhausted, man.

Some of our guests are women, and one of them is a visiting nurse.

I know it's been a long time since she's seen a healthy body.

Oh, yeah. I feel a second wind coming on.

I smell perfume.

Let me see.

Expensive perfume.

Yeah, probably Whitley's.

So tell me, man.

How many cars did you sell for Daddy-o this summer?

Who cares about cars?

A man with Whitley's perfume on his suit has a lot to tell.

Oh, we came down on the same plane.

Even expensive perfume just doesn't leap off a woman's body,

jump across a seat and end up on a man's suit.

There was some choppy air, she got nervous,

she grabbed me and held on, that's all.

That's all? You mean you didn't make a move on her?

What� Ron, Whitley and I are just friends, period.

So you're not interested in Whitley at all?

No, not one bit.

Well, I guess that means Whitley's in the clear for me.

You know, I always did think

there was something special between me and Whitley.

Yeah, that ten-foot pole she holds up every time she sees you.

Whitley's not going out with you.

- And why not? - Because you're not her type.

Oh, and I suppose you're her type?

- Well, I'm more her type than you. - And what type is that?

I don't know. Someone who's good-looking, someone who's charming.

Someone who's seen the world, my brother.

Oh, man, you've been to Canada and Spanish Harlem. Shut up.

You mark my words.

Making this dorm co-ed

is the death knell to dating as we know it.

Why?

Because all the mystery will be gone.

Gone!

Just think, those boys will see the real us,

sliding around in mud masks,

wearing zit cream and moustache bleach.

Would you want to take that out to dinner?

You bleach your moustache?

All women do.

Not where I come from.

Where you come from, chewing tobacco is a delicacy.

Well, I guess you don't have to worry about losing the mystery.

Because your mystery man has his own place.

To whom are you referring?

A certain traveling companion.

Someone who made your skies very friendly.

You mean Dwayne?

Aka The Suit.

Whitley and Dwayne?

I think they made things quite obvious this afternoon.

I think they need to revoke your weekend pass

from the loony bin.

Dwayne and I are just friends and that is all.

I don't know.

I don't go around giving my friends big kisses on the lips in public.

You two are so provincial.

In Europe, a kiss just simply means "hello."

And that kiss said, "Hello, nice to meet you."

And "make me your love slave."

In your dreams.

Last semester, I believe you were the one doing the dreaming.

Something about you and Dwayne bouncing around in a canoe together.

You had a dream about Dwayne?

No, I did not!

I swore you to secrecy!

It just slipped out.

Uh-huh.

I hope you two hyenas laugh yourselves silly.

I'm going for a walk.

Okay, but in case you forget,

Dwayne's building's on the south side of Branch Avenue.

Freddie, keep your sticky paws off my Italian purses!

I ran the men's dorm for two years.

I'm sure they dropped some eggs on people.

They've even dropped some people on people.

But that's to be expected.

But you put these same intelligent men in a co-ed dorm for five minutes,

it becomes like Quest for Fire.

No words, just�

Walter, you know they can't help themselves.

They are men, and you all are crazy.

- Oh, is that so? - Yes, that is so.

You are belligerent, you are overly aggressive,

you drive too fast, and it starts from birth.

- Oh, it does, does it? - Absolutely.

You know why so many caesareans are male babies?

Because you all kick, flip around, turn upside down

because you can't wait to come out and start some trouble.

That's exactly my point.

If men are crazy, it's because women make them crazy.

It starts from day one. Before day one.

Oh, is that so?

Oh, that is true.

Imagine this. Little baby boy, comfortable in his mother's stomach.

Then after nine months, the mother says, "Moving day. I want my body back."

Traumatized from the get-go.

Walter� Excuse me. Walter.

The girls' restroom is flooded.

And I didn't go in there. I swear I didn't go in there.

Well, we've got to get some towels.

- I got it. - Walter!

Oh. Whitley. All right.

You've been on my mind all day.

Whitley! Hey, turn the music down. Come on in.

- Uh� - What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

I just didn't expect you to be so settled in so soon.

Wow. If I knew you were coming, I would have�

Well, I wouldn't have� I� You hungry?

I've got one bag of honey-roasted cashews left.

No, I don't want to spoil your fun.

Besides, I'm filled up from the tuna croissant on the plane.

Well, why don't you stay for a while?

- I can't. - Please?

No, really. I just came by to see a friend of mine in this building,

but I don't think he's here.

So I'll see you on campus.

Okay. Whitley, wait.

Sorry.

- Here. - Oh.

I already have one of your cards.

No, you don't. You crushed it during the turbulence.

Well, I just wanted you to have a fresh one.

I've got 1,000 of them.

Um�

Thank you.

You take care.

Okay.

Say, man, I don't like the way you're looking at my woman.

What's eating you?

You're gonna think it's silly.

Come on, Freddie. I've got empathy and compassion.

You just tell me what's hurting that little heart of yours.

Everyone in this school has changed but me.

Good night, Freddie.

Everyone had an experience over the summer that had an impact on their lives.

Kim did research in a lab.

You lived all over Europe.

What did I do?

I went to summer school.

Freddie, not all of us were born to be extraordinary.

The dorm has changed, the dorm directors changed,

even Dwayne has changed.

Tell me about it.

When I saw him in that suit,

I thought he was a completely different person.

Me, too.

I need to do something with my life.

Maybe I'll take more courses.

No, I'll write a book.

I need an experience.

Maybe the Marines.

I could work with kids,

join the Peace Corps, the Rainbow Coalition.

I met Jesse. He liked me.

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