Original subtitles

? I know my parents love me ?

? Stand behind me come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? Because I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? Here's a chance to make it ?

? If we focus on our goal ?

? If you dish it, we can take it ?

? Just remember you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

Morning, Jaleesa. Hi, Denise.

- Whitley. - Whitley.

My, what full plates we have today.

Could I borrow some condiments?

My eggs need a little sprinkling of something.

Sure, Whitley, sprinkle to your heart's content.

Thanks.

Bon app�tit, ladies.

But remember, full plates today mean empty arms tomorrow.

Come on, Maggie!

I said no, Dwayne.

Please?

Dwayne.

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?

This isn't food.

- These are Eggbies. - A whatby?

Eggby. Baby.

Yeah.

It's an experiment for psych class.

We're supposed to look after them like they're real babies.

See, mine's a boy.

He's adorable.

Come on, Maggie, we got to switch, please.

Dwayne, this is the egg I've been assigned.

I feel I'm already bonding with it.

You could bond with this one even better.

It's a girl. You're a girl.

It's gonna be a scrambled girl if you keep tossing it around like that.

Whoops!

Dwayne!

Psych!

Maggie, what's the point of this assignment?

We're supposed to write down all the things that happen to the egg.

Oh, that's exciting.

10:45, sat on cafeteria table.

Eleven o'clock, still there.

No, we're supposed to make up things that could happen to a real child,

so we'll know what it's like to take care of one.

Maggie, no egg is going to teach you that.

Real children do not come in cartons.

I always wanted a baby brother�

Or at least a dog.

- You never had pets? - We couldn't.

My dad was always transferring us from army base to army base.

I did have a lot of imaginary friends, though.

There was Sheila in Scotland,

Gunther in Germany�

- Gunther? - Yes.

Omar in Iran�

But I didn't get along with him.

And Peach Blossom in Japan.

Peach Blossom?

She was very shy.

Sometimes, I even forgot she was there.

Trouble with imaginary friends is you just can't play catch with them.

Here are your condiments back.

Thank you.

Oh, they're not doing that silly egg experiment again, are they?

I did the same project last year, and I found it to be a relentless bore.

You actually took care of an egg?

Of course not.

Any sensible parent knows how essential a nanny is

to the upbringing of a child.

- Stevie? - Yeah?

I know you're busy being a mother,

which is what exactly I'm coming to ask you about.

Ah-ha, the egg experiment again.

J.T.!

How many Band-Aids did you put on?

All of them.

Did Teddy fall down and hurt himself, too?

We're not really hurt.

Every time you think you've told them everything you remember,

you didn't tell them not to put Band-Aids all over their bodies.

Oh, that's good, that's good.

Is that a robin's egg?

Oh, no.

This is my Eggby.

I have to take care of him for a class project.

What's his name?

I haven't thought of a name.

Can you think of one?

Artie.

Artie?

He's a fireman at my school.

He doesn't have any hair, either.

We'll call him Artie, Jr.

So, Maggie, what exactly do you want to know about raising kids?

Everything. I don't even know how much babies weigh.

Well, J.T. was nine pounds, eight ounces.

I was big.

Show her my book, Mommy.

Oh, J.T. that's a good idea.

It's a whole book about me!

- Wow! - Maybe this will help you.

It's J.T.'s baby book.

J.T., you didn't have any hair, either.

Oh, oh!

Oh, this is perfect.

Can I borrow this overnight?

Sure.

Thank you.

- Maggie, you forgot something. - What?

Your firstborn.

? Cinderfella Dana Dane! ?

? But I'm the rapper Dana Dane with fame ?

? Cinderfella Dana Dane! ?

You guys, listen.

J.T.'s first word was "wub."

- "Wub"? - Maggie, "wub" is not a word.

Yes, it is. His first sentence was "Mommy, I wub you."

Okay, what should Artie's first word be?

What about "fwy"?

What do you mean?

Well, then, his first sentence could be,

"Mommy, please don't fwy me."

Oh!

Come on, Jaleesa, the point of this experiment

is to stop treating Artie like an egg and start treating him like a child.

What did you name him "Artie" for anyway?

J.T. named him after his school's bald fire marshal.

Oh, yeah. That's why I plan to name all my children.

How many are you gonna have?

A dozen? A half a dozen?

Probably two�

sunny side up.

You guys, come on!

You know, in the half a day that I've had this egg,

it's really made me start thinking about motherhood and stuff.

I mean, what if there's a nuclear war?

What if he runs with scissors?

What if he goes to school and he gets in trouble with his teachers,

and he can't get into college, and he can't get a job,

and he'll be 25 years old and he'll still live at home?

And I'll say, "You're wasting your life!"

But you just can't talk to him.

Maggie, look on the bright side. What if he grows up and becomes President?

Oh, he'll be so happy in the Oval Office.

Okay, I know I'm taking this a little too seriously.

But Artie's the first thing I ever had to care for.

And he breaks easily, don't you?

Good night, little Artie, pleasant dreams.

Hey, Maggie, if you're Artie's mother, who's the father? Humpty Dumpty?

Thank you for the help, Dwayne.

These days, it doesn't seem I have enough hands.

Hey, how was volleyball practice?

- Oh. - Lousy.

I just couldn't concentrate with Artie there.

She's not kidding. It was amazing.

The ball hit her more times than she hit it.

I don't know how I'm gonna play in the game tonight,

with Artie on the sidelines.

He might get splattered by a stray spike.

May I suggest�

for the single parent on the go�

the padded,

water-resistant,

and extremely fashionable

Egg Transporter!

Dag!

Is this the same man, who, yesterday,

was playing Frisbee with his daughter?

What, a person can't change?

We are in college to learn and to grow, aren't we?

Dwayne, I'm very impressed. Maybe our kids could play together sometime.

Not on your life!

I know those blue eggs.

They only have one thing on their minds.

Come on, pumpkin, let's go.

I really don't know what I'm gonna do about that volleyball game tonight.

Maggie, why don't you just leave Artie in the room?

I'm sure he'll be fine.

I'm supposed to treat him like a real kid. I couldn't leave a real kid in a room.

Not with my stuff.

I'll have to give up the game and I'll have to stay at home with Artie.

Motherhood!

Look, Maggie, I'm going to be watching J.T. tonight anyway,

so, I guess Artie won't be that much more trouble.

I'll watch him if you want me to.

I don't know. Would a mother leave her brand-new baby?

Maggie, please!

I raised seven brothers and sisters.

I really think I can handle this.

Did you ever drop any of them by mistake?

Okay, okay, I know!

If Stevie can trust you, I can trust you.

- Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. - Wait.

Here.

What's that?

That's the number where I can be reached.

- Did you time me? - Mm-hmm.

Exactly three minutes and 29 seconds.

That's pretty fast for changing into your pajamas.

- You didn't cheat, did you? - No.

I'm not gonna go in there and find clothes all over the floor, will I?

Time me again.

Okay.

- Jaleesa. - Yeah?

I tried for 15 minutes.

Your desk drawer is stuck, and my calculator is prisoner.

- Will you help me? - Oh, I can't now. I'm babysitting J.T.

Oh, besides, this is the best part.

Jaleesa, come on, I really need my calculator.

What, you were struck with a sudden urge to calculate?

No, I was struck with a sudden urge to pass my calculus test tomorrow.

Buona sera, Tutti.

My, Jaleesa, don't we look comfy tonight.

Whitley, will you watch J.T. for a second?

Well, ordinarily, I devote this time to my nightly beauty ritual.

Something I recommend for you two, as well.

Well�

it's just that my calculator is stuck in Jaleesa's drawer,

and I need her to come upstairs and help me get it.

Please, please.

There is no need to explain your bizarre ways of sharing to me.

So, does that mean you'll watch J.T.?

Oh, I suppose so.

Where is the little cherub?

He's in his room picking up his clothes.

Hmm.

Don't you think he should be aboard the Slumberland Express by now?

It is almost his bedtime.

So, could you give him a glass of milk,

and tell him about the time your great-great-aunt Genevieve

shook President Taft's hand.

He'll be on that train to Slumberland in no time.

Whitley, where's J.T.?

I just tucked him in for the night. He's sound asleep.

What a sugar pie.

Hey, I told you that President Taft story works like a charm.

I tell it to myself sometimes.

What is Michael Landon doing on Twilight Zone?

I learn something new every week on Highway To Heaven.

Yeah.

Study break already?

I find popcorn essential to solving quadratic equations.

Yeah.

Where's Artie?

Who?

Artie, the Eggby.

He's right in the-

Oh, no!

Quick, check around the couch! He's got to be here somewhere.

When's Maggie getting back?

Any minute.

The game's got to be over by now.

She's gonna freak.

Just keep looking, okay? And be careful where you step.

Jaleesa, where could an egg go?

Denise, he was right here all night, until I went upstairs with you.

Oh, no, Miss Thing. Don't bring me into this!

You were the one who was egg-sitting!

Yeah, and that's exactly what I was doing

until you came down crying about my desk drawer!

Now, that makes you just as responsible.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Maggie's gonna come here and kill us both.

You know, this is crazy.

She's gonna walk through that door, find Artie missing,

and jump all over us.

I know.

All because of a stupid egg. A stupid blue egg.

You know, you're right!

You know, if the egg was so important to her,

then why did she leave it here to go play volleyball?

Right? Some mother.

She has got some nerve!

You know, here I am, doing her a favor,

wasting my entire evening,

and she's gonna walk in here with that attitude?

Okay.

Well, if she thinks I'm going to feel guilty,

she's got another thing coming.

Hey, I made the winning spike!

It was just a stupid egg!

What?

Denise has got something to tell you.

I knew it. I knew I never should've left him.

- I'm sorry. - Sorry.

Sorry won't bring Artie back.

Okay, did you look under the couch?

Maybe he rolled under there.

Maggie.

Artie's not here.

Oh, my God.

You didn't drop him, did you?

He's not at the bottom of some garbage pail,

smeared all over some cheap paper towel?

Maggie� �no one dropped him, okay?

He's just missing. Temporarily.

Okay. Where was he?

Where did you last see him?

He was right here all night, between the peanut butter and the popcorn

until I came back downstairs.

Back downstairs? You left him!

Well, just for a minute.

Denise begged me to go and help her with my desk drawer.

I really needed my calculator to do my calculus.

So, you did. You left him all alone.

No, Whitley was here.

Whitley?

Okay, where's my-

Murderer!

Don't you think you're carrying vegetarianism a little too far?

Whitley, did you take Maggie's egg?

Denise, why would I do that?

I don't just use any old yolk on my skin.

Whitley, are you positive you didn't pick up Maggie's egg by mistake?

Jaleesa, are you accusing me of being an egg poacher?

Oh.

It's almost funny, isn't it?

Well, check the egg shells if you're not convinced.

Oh, she's telling the truth. There's no blue shells in here.

Sorry, Whitley.

Oh, Maggie, I'm�

I'm really sorry.

This is just as much my fault as it's Jaleesa's.

Mm, it's nobody's fault but my own.

I made the decision to leave him with you.

It was an incredibly stupid decision.

It was my decision.

Ladies, I know you're distraught,

but don't dwell on your sorrows.

Or on my bed.

Maggie, aren't you gonna be late for class?

He's out there somewhere.

Who?

Artie.

Somewhere among those dead leaves and those barren trees,

there's a blue Eggby out there.

And he's calling out for help, but no one can hear him

because he has no lips.

Maggie, come on, he'll show up sooner or later.

Yeah, Mag. He's got a tough shell.

I made up some posters to put around campus.

I know you guys think I'm crazy,

but I haven't been this upset

since my pet got left out in the rain.

I thought you didn't have any pets.

He wasn't a real pet. He was a Kleenex on a leash.

- Bye, sweetie. - Bye.

Bye.

We have got to help this girl.

All right, which one of these most looks like Artie?

Medium, extra large, or jumbo?

Denise, I don't know. He was an egg in a basket.

It's not like he had any distinguishing features.

- You were the last to see Artie alive. - All right.

I'll have to say Bachelor Number Two.

This guy?

No way.

Fine, then you pick one.

No, he's too thin.

How about this one?

It's too pointy.

Artie!

Hey! Any luck with the posters?

No. It doesn't matter.

It's just a psych experiment.

No, come on, Maggie, I know how you really feel.

I feel like I failed as a parent.

Don't! Anybody can tell that you'd make a great mother.

You would. You're warm, caring�

warm.

Thanks, Dwayne.

- Hey, you think I'd make a good father? - Yeah.

Would you do me a favor?

What?

Would you be sure to tell Denise?

Maggie�

We got some great news.

We came home from class today, and guess who was outside the door.

Artie!

This isn't Artie.

- Are you sure? - Well, how can you tell?

A mother can tell.

This is an impostor.

Oh, yeah, somebody's trying to sell you a wolf ticket.

Somebody who forgot to wash incriminating egg dye off her hands.

Wait.

The same somebodies who would make up an egg-on-the-doorstep story

because they're finally feeling a little guilty.

Denise, Jaleesa, I'm surprised at you.

You just don't understand.

You can't fool a parent.

We were only trying to help.

You don't understand.

When I started this experiment,

I really didn't care about�

Doreen.

She was� To me, she was just another egg.

But, uh, then, something happened. I don't know, she became a part of me,

like my high-tops.

Well, I guess we made a mistake.

To err is human, but you guys really messed up.

What kind of world do we live in where an egg just disappears?

Sorry about the door.

Maggie, I think we need to talk.

About my door slamming?

No, about this egg business.

Now, I know losing this egg is upsetting to you.

Yeah. And Denise and Jaleesa just tried to slip me a fake Artie,

as if I wouldn't know the difference.

If someone tried to slip you a fake J.T., how would you feel?

J.T. is my flesh and blood.

Artie is just an egg.

I know he's just an egg, but he's more than just an egg.

He was my responsibility, and I really blew it.

Maggie, I lost J.T.,

at a department store, in the fabric section.

It was the longest two hours of my life.

- But you found him. - No, not me.

A security guard found him fast asleep in the fake furs.

Really?

Mothers make lots of mistakes.

Motherhood is not a course that you can get an "A" in.

- But I failed. - Come with me.

I need to check J.T.

He's probably kicked his covers off by now.

I think he does the decathlon in his sleep.

It's not fair.

He's hell on wheels all day.

But when I see him like this, I just melt.

This room was clean an hour ago.

Put this in his glove.

It's Artie!

I can't believe it. How did J.T. wind up with him?

His father gave him that glove.

I guess J.T. really wanted to take care of him.

Mm! And he did name him Artie.

You know, J.T. is an only child.

I'll just tell J.T. Artie had to go home.

No.

I guess it will be okay if he sleeps at a friend's house.

I'll pick you up in the morning.

I'll take down the posters.

There's so much to know about being a mother.

I don't know how I'll ever learn it in time.

Maggie, don't worry.

No one ever does.

Thank you.

Maggie, would you stop apologizing?

- We accepted over an hour ago. - I know, but I feel so bad.

You guys tried to do something nice, and I nearly took your heads off.

Look, if you can't behead your roommates, who can you behead?

All of this made me really start thinking about my mom.

I thought she knew everything,

but when she had me, she was a year younger than you.

Scary, you could be my mom.

That is scary.

You know what I really get a kick out of?

Dwayne. Overnight, he went from macho man to Mr. Mom.

Oh. He wanted me to be sure to tell you what a great father he'd make.

Tell him I already have a father.

Yeah.

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