Original subtitles

? I know my parents love me ?

? Stand behind me come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? Because I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? Here's a chance to make it ?

? If we focus on our goal ?

? If you dish it, we can take it ?

? Just remember you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

Millie, can you believe that four snakes died to make this wallet,

and there's not even room for a Bloomie's charge?

Well, there must be something here your mother would like for her birthday.

All this stuff is so beautiful.

No, no, no.

That will never do.

We have to choose between the portable Waterpik,

or the Louis Vuitton cat carrier.

The Waterpik.

Okay, that settles it.

The cat carrier.

I'm sure she'll love it.

Well, her hairdresser just loved the crystal bud vase

I sent Mama for Mother's Day.

She gave away your Mother's Day present?

She gives away all my presents.

The only time I ever made her happy

was when I was crowned "Miss Magnolia."

Well, I'm sure she was very proud.

Well, she didn't say, but I know she was.

She kept calling me her baby all day.

Whitley, you know what's coming up?

The Miss Hillman Competition!

I see someone put on her thinking cap this morning.

You could be Miss Gilbert.

I am Miss Gilbert.

But I plan to be Miss Hillman.

Now, take these things back to the store,

and keep a little something for yourself.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Oh!

Here's a cute little key chain for you.

Oh, hi, Lettie.

There's gonna be a dorm meeting tonight.

Gilbert has to nominate a candidate for Miss Hillman.

Oh, do they still do that?

I thought that went out with panty girdles.

You never ran for Miss Hillman, did you?

No.

But for a few hours, I was queen of a small Balkan country.

You're kidding.

Maybe.

"Miss Hillman!"

Is it that time of year already?

But, Whitley, we were just-

My, how time flies!

Millie, did I tell you that my mother was Miss Hillman,

and my father's mother, my Aunt Francine,

and Cousin Alicia?

Unfortunately, my dear, the title is not hereditary.

Well, perhaps the title isn't inherited,

but the qualities that go towards achieving it, certainly are.

That's true, and she comes from a long line of egomaniacs.

Jaleesa, you're a fine one to talk about pedigree.

Apparently, "Miss Congeniality" isn't on the premises.

Well, the election's tonight, and the people will decide.

I'm all for democracy.

Funny, Generalissimo Franco once said the same thing to me.

She knows everybody.

Oh, come on, do you really want Whitley Gilbert representing us?

"The Mouth of the South."

Well, she's not really a bad person.

But on the other hand, she's not good.

Denise, why don't you run?

Forget it!

Miss Hillman contest is sexist, degrading, and superficial.

But if you win, they pay for your books.

That's right, you get a $500 credit at the bookstore.

And think what that would save you on library fines.

Why don't you run?

- Me? - Yeah.

Oh, why, I'd love to!

Denise, don't be silly.

Jaleesa can't get up there and act like an idiot.

Uh, no, I didn't mean that. I-

It's just that Jaleesa's much too old to be in this.

Thank you very much.

No, I meant� I meant you're too mature.

Maggie, give it up.

See, that's just my point.

Why couldn't someone like Jaleesa run and win?

Oh, get real, Denise.

I have about as much chance of winning as� Dwayne.

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah.

What?

Why shouldn't someone like Dwayne run?

Because it's "Miss" Hillman, not "Mister" Hillman.

Dwayne Wayne has as much right to those free books as any woman on this campus.

But he's a guy.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm gonna go talk to him right now.

Fine.

- Hi, guys. Ooh! - Ah.

Denise, my horoscope predicted this.

It said, "The woman you are destined to marry

will come to your table and eat a French fry."

Dwayne, how would you like to do something wonderful

for every woman on campus?

Certainly, if I can start with you.

This is important.

We want you to be Gilbert's candidate for Miss Hillman.

Miss Hillman!

You crack us up!

I'm serious. You believe that men and women should be equal, right?

- Right. - He does?

Dude, stop.

Then you believe a man has a right to be Miss Hillman.

Not this man.

Every woman on campus would be grateful to you.

How grateful?

I know I'd be very grateful.

Whoa, well, what is it you want me to do?

Buy some mascara!

Just show up at the dorm meeting at eight o'clock tonight. Okay?

You won't regret it.

And not only my mother,

but my father's mother, Aunt Francine, and Cousin Alicia

were all Miss Hillman.

Whitley, what's your point?

The point is, they're all women.

Dwayne Wayne, if you've noticed, is not.

So?

- "So"? - Mm-hmm.

First, they tore down the Lillian Turner Memorial Gazebo.

Then they made a parking lot out of the Elizabeth Braithwaite Rose Garden.

And now, they're turning the Miss Hillman Contest into a travesty!

What next, Armageddon?

I simply wonder why this is so important to you.

Could it have anything to do with the fact that your mother was Miss Hillman?

And my father's mother, Aunt Francine, and Cousin Alicia.

I know, dear. The point is, becoming Miss Hillman might be an achievement,

but it's not going to change anything.

Take your Aunt Francine for example.

I knew her well. She was a chucklehead before she won,

and a chucklehead afterwards.

Well, maybe so,

but she did look lovely in that crown.

I have only one thing to say�

May the best woman win.

And by the way, you're all invited to my room tonight after nominations

for a victory praline and gabfest.

Sorry, Dwayne, ladies only.

Any other nominations?

Yes, I'd like to nominate someone,

who brings something to this contest that no other candidate has.

Hmm, you got that right.

It's time we took the "Miss" out of the Miss Hillman contest.

It's almost the 21st century,

and I think that the merely "Pert and Perky"

have had their day.

Let's nominate someone

who can prove that anyone can be Miss Hillman.

Women of Gilbert, I give you Dwayne Wayne.

I don't know what she's talking about. He looks pert to me.

And perky, too.

Thank you. Um�

When Denise first approached me, I had my reservations.

But when I realized that, I, Dwayne Wayne

could help the cause of feminism,

I said, "I am your man."

And I wanna repeat that to each and every one of you.

I am your man.

Oh, horse feathers!

Now, I don't have any praline�

but I'd be happy to take you all out for hoagies

after the election,

and an in-depth discussion on Our Bodies, Ourselves�

the revised edition.

I object!

By the way, I got an "A" in my Women's Studies course,

and a woman gave that to me.

This is anarchy!

We cannot allow this rough beast to slouch towards Hillman to be born!

Everybody in favor of Whitley.

All those for Dwayne.

I give you Dwayne Wayne, the future Mr. Hillman!

I'm on it!

I don't believe this. You're really going to run.

Of course I'm going to run. Denise is my campaign manager.

Do you know what that means?

Long strategy sessions deep into the night.

I don't know, man, I think Denise is using you.

Well, I hope you're right.

- Hey, Dwayne. - What up, Chip?

- You know my man Ron, right? - Yeah.

What's happening?

Some of the guys were, um, talking about asking you to join the fraternity.

Really?

Yeah�

as a little sister.

I told you, man.

Politics.

- Is there a Dwayne Wayne here? - Yo, man, over here.

What did it say?

Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Ooh, what lovely flowers.

Who sent them?

An admirer.

It seems like I have a few admirers of my own.

In fact, Kappa Lambda Nu has elected me their candidate for Miss Hillman.

Isn't that right, Chip?

That's right� and Kappas never lose.

Oh, yeah? Well, there's a first time for everything.

Put these in water, Ron.

I'll help you with those, Ronald.

You will not. There will be no fraternizing with the enemy!

Millicent!

Ooh, Dwayne.

Mm-mm-mm!

Hi.

Sweet as sherbet, fine as wine, and juicy as a steak!

Cut me some.

Hey, baby, want some fries to go with that shake?

That's funny.

I don't wanna say I told you so, but I told you so.

Just ignore them.

How can he? They're dogging him right to his face.

I've been dogged by the some of the most beautiful women in school.

Why should I care about a bunch of ugly frat rats?

Nice racks and backs.

Can I get your seven digits?

Dwayne, why are you still in you gym shorts?

Hey, baby, you are my destiny.

I got your destiny, my man.

- Listen, man� - Yeah.

Drop out.

If not for you, for me.

Look, Dwayne, if you want to back out of this contest now,

I mean, I think I can speak for everyone at Gilbert Hall when I say,

go ahead, get out.

While you can.

Dwayne, as a member of the press, I'm supposed to remain impartial,

but you should quit now.

While you can!

Hey, baby.

Ooh, your legs are talking to me,

and I like what they're saying, honey!

Denise, did she mean that as a compliment?

Uh�

Maybe.

It's funny, it didn't feel like a compliment.

- Oh, Dwayne, I've been looking for you. - Oh, Coach-

If I had been in the locker room, it never would have happened.

- What happened? - Nothing� It was nothing.

I found your clothes.

Why don't we go back and get them?

Oh, no, they took your clothes?

A bit louder, man, a bit louder.

Did you hear the way they howled at me, Coach?

Animals!

Did you ever howl at a woman?

Yeah, but women like that, I don't.

Well, it's not going to get any better, brother.

Coach, I expected whistles, but barking?

I didn't know what to say to these women.

Oh, God, I think I'm losing my rap.

Whoa, that's serious. Yo, did I ever tell you about Arnie Baylor?

Mm-

Yeah, see, Arnie and I played college football together.

Well, in reality, I played and Arnie watched.

Man, he would suit up for every game,

come flying out the locker room to ride the pine.

Mm.

He sat the bench his freshman year,

sophomore year, junior year, senior year.

Last game of the season, three minutes left,

I do not know why,

Coach looks at the bench, "Baylor, get in there."

- And Arnie- - Coach, I know what you're trying to say.

- Telling me to hang in there, right? - Wrong.

I'm telling you to get out.

But what about Baylor?

Man, he was wide open in the end zone.

The ball went right into his hands,

and bounced off his face.

We lost the game.

Arnie lost his girlfriend.

Now he's just walking the streets, shell of a man.

That's inspiring, Coach. Could you hand me my jacket?

Yes.

Uh, just take this to the cleaners.

Get that chlorine smell right out.

Thanks.

Did I tell you when I was with Jacques Cousteau,

we was hunting for sharks?

And in conclusion,

when you cast your ballot,

just remember, "Whitley� because."

Whitley Gilbert.

Not only beautiful, but� �she talks, too.

And last, as well as least, Dwayne Wayne.

Ron, where's Dwayne?

Looks like the brother finally came to his senses.

Uh, apparently Dwayne is running late.

No doubt trying to get his hair just right.

Excuse me.

I'd like to say a few words on behalf of Dwayne.

You know, Dwayne has everything it takes to represent this school.

He has a great personality.

He has a wonderful sense of humor.

And as we all know,

he got a perfect score on his math SATs.

But it wasn't until now

that I realized how brave Dwayne really is.

During this campaign, he's been hit on.

He's been barked at.

He was locked out of the gym in those stupid shorts.

Oh, it's real funny.

So, to those of you who did this, congratulations.

Real mature.

Hold it, Denise.

Dwayne, you're here.

Yeah, as they say in Women's Studies, it ain't over till the fat man sings.

What's the matter, no barking?

Let's hear some whistles now.

How about some hoots?

Come on, you can do better than that. I know you can.

'Cause I've been listening to this all week.

So get it out of your systems now, so you don't ever have to do it again.

Now, maybe I did it.

Okay, I did it a little.

All right, I did it a lot.

But it never worked.

And now I know why.

It's weak and it's tired.

People shouldn't be inspected and graded like a piece of meat.

You don't want Miss Hillman to be a pork chop, do you?

Denise asked me to run to make a point.

So, uh, if you get the point�

stop all this sexist, senseless dogging,

and vote for me.

My name is Dwayne Wayne.

"At last, a real choice."

Oh, Dwayne, I'll never think of you as a sex object again.

Never?

Dag!

"Caryn Louise Thompson, Miss Hillman."

I'd like to crown her myself.

Oh, it's amazing how much dust gets into these pillows.

Whitley, I know how disappointed you must be.

- Disappointed? - Mm-hmm.

Why, if that publicity hound, Dwayne Wayne, hadn't split the vote,

I'd be wearing the crown right now.

But, my dear, you lost by 300 votes.

299.

I don't think I'm going to be Mama's baby when she hears about this.

Courage, my dear.

You still have two more years left to become Miss Hillman.

And, if you don't make it by then, there's always grad school.

How pathetic to win by perseverance.

Well, I'll leave you to your, uh, spring cleaning.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Why not? It's Grand Central.

Come on, Whitley, at least you didn't lose to Dwayne.

No. I lost to Caryn Louise Thompson.

I'm prettier than she is.

You're prettier than she is.

Who cares who's the prettiest?

My mother does!

Denise, I lost by 299 votes.

That means only 54 people out there

find me worthy of being Miss Hillman.

And I have a strong suspicion that Millie voted more than once.

Being Miss Hillman is not the only way you can make your mother proud of you.

You have�

�lots of good qualities.

Like what?

You were nice to my little sister once.

What else?

You're very neat.

I envy that about you.

Go on.

Did I mention how nice you were to my little sister?

Denise, frankly, I don't think my mother will care

how nice I was to your little sister.

Well, Whitley, you could spend the rest of your life trying to please your mother,

but it sounds to me like the rest of your life is what it would take.

I'll see you later.

Hello, Mother.

I'm fine. How are you?

Um, I've got some news for you.

No, no.

I've got something to say, and I don't want you to interrupt.

For 19 years, I've been living my life to please you.

Yes, I have!

And no matter what I do, it's never enough.

So from now on, I'm going to live for me.

At least that way, one of us has a chance to be happy.

And by the way, Mama,

your baby lost the Miss Hillman Contest.

And she doesn't give a flying� fig!

Hello, Mother?

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