Original subtitles

? I know my parents love me ?

? Stand behind me come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? Because I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? Here's our chance to make it ?

? If we focus on our goal ?

? If you dish it, we can take it ?

? Just remember you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? In seven more days I'll be home to you ?

? And the walls will tumble down That's separating us two ?

? The Jericho mile� ?

Well, I guess the watch word for today is

"Work, work, work, work, work, work, work."

Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

Whitley, some of us have tests tomorrow.

Well, others of us have finished our reading. Except for botany.

But, we all know that getting an A in that class is as easy as picking a posy.

Yeah, well, that's not what I heard. You know Neil Hamilton?

"D-plus."

Oh, yeah, and he's a science major.

He was.

Well, I don't know about Mr. Hamilton,

but I'll be just fine.

Soon as I find Millie and her notes.

Mm-mm-mm.

All these fine women.

And tuna casserole, too. This is one-stop shopping.

And don't get comfortable.

Hey, wait a minute, miss. I am not here idly scoping, okay?

I have an appointment with my man Ron,

who is typing up my last paper as we speak.

Which leaves me, Cool Master Math, free to jam on anybody's problems.

Okay. Here's a math problem for you.

Subtract yourself from this room.

Hey, you guys. Guess who finally got called as a peer counselor?

Do you believe it?

Peer counselors give advice to other students.

- Yeah. - No, I don't believe it.

Hey, I really lucked out.

A lot of the regular volunteers wanted this week off.

Denise, there's a reason for that. This is finals week. They want to study.

Mm-hmm. Denise, didn't I hear you say something about having a history paper due

for Professor "C-minus" Watson?

Yeah. I'm only halfway through my second draft.

Denise.

Denise.

You guys, I've done all the research, and besides, I've got a great topic.

"The Impact of the Potato."

- Say what? - On the economy of Ireland.

Ooh�

- Great, huh? - I forgot the potato chips.

I've got to get out of here.

- See you later. - Look, Denise.

Uh, if you put it off till tomorrow what you were supposed to do right now,

"C-minus" Watson will own your behind.

I'm just gonna work on my paper in the counseling center.

Okay, I never said you wouldn't.

This is good.

'Twas the night before finals, and all through the place,

fine women were studying, books up to their face.

Hi.

Um, I'm Denise.

I'm one of the new counselors. I'm here to help you.

I'm Z.

Okay, Z. You don't have to give me your real name if you don't want to.

Z is my name.

It's short for E.Z.

Okay, Z, um, how can I help you?

Well, can you lift my head?

Sure.

Ooh.

Ooh, thanks.

I really went out there that time.

Ooh.

Ooh.

From California, right?

Yeah, good antenna.

Hey. Oh, you're homesick.

Yeah, sure.

And that's what brings you here.

No, not really. I'm the grad student who runs the place.

E.Z. Brooks.

Oh. I knew that.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Um, well, I'm really excited to work here.

I can't wait to start.

Now's your chance.

You want me to talk to him alone? Look at him. He looks upset.

Yeah, well, Denise, that can happen here.

Hi, I'm Denise.

Can I help you?

Nothing sticks in my mind.

And I'm going to flunk all my finals.

No, you're not.

I am, I am, I'm telling you, I am. All of them.

Okay.

Uh, just stay right there.

Z, he's going to flunk all of his finals. All of them.

Yeah, well, this sounds major.

Hey, dude, come here.

Have a seat.

I'm having trouble memorizing. Like, nothing sticks.

I might as well forget finals altogether and quit school now.

Yeah, man, do it.

Hey�

Now's a great time. I hear they're hiring at Fajita Phil's.

Excellent salsa.

I've always wanted to be a lawyer.

Come on, man. Lawyer, fry cook-

My parents would kill me!

Take it down a thousand.

Now, If you want to stuff pitas for a living, hey, it's your life.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll wait and see how I do on my tests.

If I flunk, they'll ask me to leave anyway, right?

Right.

And if I don't?

- They won't. - Right!

Thanks.

Oh. Wow.

That was reverse psychology, right?

That stuff's amazing.

Yeah, well, if you stay with the wave, you'll eventually hit the beach.

Right. Um�

Well, so, what do we do now?

Well, I've got to study.

Oh. Well, I guess I could work on my paper, too.

Right after I get settled.

Denise, I'm so sorry to see that the pressures of finals

have reduced you to seeking help in a tawdry, student-run, snake pit.

Whitley, I happen to be working here.

'Course you are.

Well, thank you very much, Millie.

What did I do?

While you're here chit-chatting with these buzz bunnies,

I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs for lack of botany notes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's taken me longer than I thought.

The world of flora is so vast.

I fear we'll never be ready by Friday.

Speak for yourself. I was raised among flowers.

Ah. But what about fungi?

Do you know the chief requirements for their growth? Hmm?

No, but I will as soon as I read your lecture notes.

But I've just reached the cell structure of the spore!

Physiological� Brain� Brain�

Brain� What's in the brain?

"Brain is the hallway�"

Brain. What's my brain?

My brain.

Listen� man.

Everything is going to be okay.

Okay?

Dwayne.

This is E.Z. Brooks. He runs the center.

- Oh. - E.Z., this is my friend, Dwayne Wayne.

- Hey, dude. - What's up, man?

All right.

California, right? Hey, wait a minute.

Do you know my cousin, Elaine Wayne?

- Oh, wait, does she surf? - I've always wanted to learn to surf.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Next time I hit Virginia Beach, I'll take you along.

- Really? Hey, that sounds like fun. - Yeah. All right.

Oh, so what we have here is him on a surfboard, and you in a bikini.

Yo, man, relax. Dwayne, take it down a thousand.

You can come, too. I mean, that's the great thing about the ocean, huh?

Did you, like, dye those pants yourself, dude?

Later.

Come here.

Leave him alone. He's really neat.

He really handles people well. I think I'm going to learn so much from him.

Mr. Avocado-head?

Denise, I get the feeling he wants to make guacamole with you.

I get the feeling you're jealous.

Jealous? Ha! Fine by me, marry the guy.

Let him take you back to Palos Verdes. Have a bunch of little avocado heads.

One day, you're going to walk outside,

and when you walk back in, you'll be 80 years old,

and what will you have done? Made a salad.

? River so wide ?

? In seven more days ?

? There will be no more divide ?

The correct answer is� mesocarp.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

There is no need to gloat.

The correct answer is exocarp.

Whitley, I fear you will never be ready for this test.

And do you know why?

Because of your pitiful penmanship.

I might as well have been reading fly footprints.

Well, I suppose I could type up the notes for you.

And I think you should, for the sake of your pride, if nothing else.

Mind if I join you, Whitley?

Why, am I coming apart?

Just a little psychiatric humor. I thought it might appeal to you.

I just need a place to work.

Well, there's not enough espresso for two.

Take it down a thousand, Whitley.

I just want to work on my paper, okay?

All right, if you must. I'm practically done, anyway.

I'm just giving this botanical encyclopedia

a cursory glance.

Fine. Just pretend I'm not here.

You know, I never thought that I, a former Miss Magnolia,

and daughter of a five-time Richmond Rose would ever say this�

but I hate flowers!

Well, do you want to talk about it?

I think that counseling job has gone to your head.

I'm not just some jabbering loon from off the streets, you know.

Look, Whitley, I've got a lot of work to do,

but if you need to talk, it can wait.

For your information, I have a lot of work to do, too.

Lots of it. Plenty of it.

I think we'd both be better off if we got something to eat.

Why don't we go to The Pit before it closes?

Fine.

I could use another cup of coffee. Maybe even some sugar.

But I don't know why you think I need help.

Whitley, if you just stay with the wave, you'll eventually hit the beach.

I know that.

What do you mean, "stay with the wave"?

Hi.

Um, have a seat.

I don't think I'm going to do very well on my finals.

Well�

Why not quit school? Now's a great time.

You're right, I think I will.

Wait! Wait a minute. Um�

Will you come back, please?

Let's start over.

- Hi, I'm Denise. - Hi, I'm Mark. I'm doomed.

The very best that I can hope for are Bs.

You call that "doomed"? I'd be thrilled to get Bs.

Not if your older brother got straight As every semester in pre-med.

Oh, I know what you mean.

My sister Sondra got straight As in Princeton.

Oh, no, wait a minute. She got a B.

In fencing.

Didn't that bother you?

Yeah, it used to, but now I know that there are things I do better than she can�

even though I'm not quite sure what they are yet.

So what is she doing now?

Well, she runs a wilderness store with her husband.

- A wilderness store? - Yeah, so you better get your degree.

You never know, your brother might end up selling kayaks.

All right. Thanks a lot, Denise.

You're welcome.

- Wow! Way to rip, Denise. - Thanks.

- Really starting to get the hang of it. - Yeah.

Hey, you want me to crack your neck?

- It couldn't hurt, could it? - No, no. Just trust me, all right?

Oh! Z, you beach dog!

Hey, Dwayne, take it down a thousand, all right, man?

Talk English. English, man.

Okay. Yo, chill, homeboy.

So, how's that paper coming, Denise?

- Making progress. - Making progress?

"The potato was a staple of the Irish diet."

Oh, that's coming along like greased lightning. Ooh, yeah.

You know, I could get a lot more work done

if you weren't always coming here, telling me to get to work.

Fine.

Yo, dude, could I, like, rap on your wave momentito?

Yeah, man, what's up?

While you were cracking her neck, and, dude, it better stop there�

�the girl has a paper to write.

I know that and you know that,

but until Denise knows it, hey, there's no point in telling her, man.

Deep.

Primo deep.

? Seven more days between you and me ?

? And we'll meet, baby ?

Okay.

How do yeasts reproduce?

Millie, this is botany, not biology.

You don't have the sense God gave a chicken.

- Why would that be on the exam? - Because it was on last year's exam.

Oh, really?

Well, hooray for last year.

Hey, Whitley, what light socket did you put your finger in?

Yo, Ron, I knew finals week was gonna be rough,

but did you think it would be this bad?

- Not in my worst nightmare. Ugh! - Oof! You babes look rugged.

I've never seen so many head scarves under one roof.

I feel like I'm in the Ukraine.

They should take a tip from them Moroccan sisters and wear a veil.

Mm!

You know, if they look this bad on Wednesday,

can you imagine what they're gonna look like on the weekend? Ugh!

Dwayne� today is Wednesday?

Uh-huh.

I don't believe this. I thought today was Tuesday. I've lost an entire day.

I'm never gonna get my paper done on time.

Well, Denise, I won't say I told you so.

But you did.

Ron, go read a magazine.

A thick one.

Dwayne, what am I going to do?

I got it. Uh, first thing in the morning, go see "C-minus."

Although, I wouldn't call him that.

But, uh, tell him you've been helping out the California dip

at the counseling center,

and he's bound to cut you some slack.

Okay, that's good, that's good!

- You know, you should be the counselor. - I should be.

And when you go, borrow a scarf from one of these evil Ukrainian chicks.

A cluttered desk means a cluttered mind.

Really?

Then what does your empty desk mean, Millie?

Hey. You okay?

No, I asked my history teacher for an extension,

and he turned me down.

Oh, that's harsh. How much do you have left?

Just the writing. I've done all the research.

Can you read this?

"Spearmint sugarless gum?"

No. What I wrote on the other side.

Hey, I can get someone to come in and take over.

No, it's not necessary.

I've got everything�

Ai!

�under control.

Hey, uh, outstanding attitude, Denise.

You've got a major paper, but you blow it off.

You come here and you answer every phone call.

You talk to every dude who comes through the door.

- That's massive dedication. - Yeah, yeah.

It's also massive stupidity, I know.

Well, only if you're here to get a degree at Hillman.

I've been using counseling as an excuse not to do my paper.

Yeah. You did the research�

I have enough research here for, like, ten papers.

The good news is, you only have to write one.

I've had this problem with procrastination for as long as I can remember.

You want to talk about it?

No, not now.

I have a paper to write.

All right.

If Dwayne thought we looked bad before, he would be freaking now.

Then we should look like this all the time.

I don't look bad.

Excuse me, Miss Moose?

You look sorry. Deal with it.

Ever since I was two years old,

it has always been my dream

to be Miss Ugly America.

America would like to know more about you.

Can you let us in on one of your secrets?

Oh, Yes. Well, just between you and me, Bob�

�I have a very personal laundry tip.

I put my dress shields in the vegetable crisper,

and they absorb 40% more!

Ooh! Sounds chilling.

But thank you, Number Four.

Now, ladies, for the sweat suit competition.

Ooh!

Yeah, you are all very ugly.

I know it will be a difficult choice for our judges.

Hey, you guys.

I'm finished!

The winner!

The winner?

Whoo!

You are Miss Ugly America!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm deeply touched.

And I'd just like you to know that this is only the beginning.

Yes. if you think I look bad now, wait until tomorrow.

I'm going to look like a dog.

Oh, you look pretty bad.

What the hey!

Let's get down! Yeah!

? You better dance, you ugly thing ?

? You ugly thing ?

You aren't even dancing.

Millie, you're a geek. Get away.

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