Original subtitles

? I know my parents love me ?

? Stand behind me come what may ?

? I know now that I'm ready ?

? Because I finally heard them say ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? Here's a chance to make it ?

? If we focus on our goal ?

? If you dish it, we can take it ?

? Just remember you've been told ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? It's a different world ?

? From where you come from ?

? Free Nelson Mandela ?

But it's a classic!

The Clan Of The Cave Bear?

- You got to see this. - No, I don't.

Nicole, wait. All right.

When's the last time you've seen a movie

that tells it like it really was for the Stone Age woman, huh? Huh?

You like fashion, don't you?

They dress exclusively in fur and leather.

Dwayne. Dwayne.

Dorm rules are, okay, too strict, should be abolished?

- Any thoughts? - What?

The Hillman Chronicle wants to know.

Really?

All right. Um�

I think the dorm rules are stupid and bogus.

I mean, how can we learn to become responsible adults

if we can't party when we feel like it?

- Good point. - Check it out.

Yo, administration!

Get it together and dog the rules now!

Dwayne Wayne, freshman, Matthews Hall.

You're not gonna use my name on this, are you?

Whitley, how do you feel about the dorm rules?

- The Chronicle wants to know.

Anything a lady can do after midnight,

she can do before midnight.

And anyone who feels the need to leave their room after curfew

isn't worthy of attending Hillman.

Whitley Gilbert, sophomore, Gilbert Hall.

Maggie, you're gonna have to dog the part about dogging the rules.

But, Dwayne, you were so eloquent.

- Really? - Yes.

Okay. Well, use the quote, but don't use my name.

- Okay. - All right.

Denise, dorm rules,

keep 'em, change 'em, or dog 'em?

- What do you say? - Who cares?

Jaleesa, as dorm monitor, any thoughts?

Um, I'm glad they lock the door at midnight.

What's wrong?

Maggie�

I got a D on my calculus test.

Denise, your worries are over.

I will help you.

Right, Dwayne.

You're looking at "King Calculus" here, all right?

I will have you in shape in no time.

Dwayne, I can think of many things you are king of.

But calculus is not one of them.

Okay, forget calculus.

You know what you need, Denise?

You need a movie that's gonna take you out of yourself

to another time, another place--

Dwayne, I'm not going to see Clan Of The Cave Bear.

That's a shame.

Hey, Gail.

I know you like fur and leather, don't you?

Boy, I might as well just cancel my plans to go home for Thanksgiving.

Maybe even Christmas.

Denise, your parents aren't gonna disown you

just because you got a D.

Even though they might not speak to you for a while.

Look, what you need is some brain food.

French fries.

Denise, understanding math is like�

it's like having an ear for music.

Some are born with it, some develop it, some never get it.

Thanks, Maggie. That's very encouraging.

Well�

I've got to whip this into shape for my copy editor.

They're holding the back page.

Hi, Denise.

Jaleesa.

- Whitley. - Whitley.

I couldn't help but notice you after calculus class.

You looked�

stricken.

Well, if you need any help, feel free to come to me.

I'm just a natural with figures.

Here.

I cannot believe that we use the same fabric softener.

Ain't that a kick in the head?

- Dwayne? - Whoa, Miss Rallen.

What are you doing here?

I'm doing my laundry, ma'am.

You have a machine in your own dorm.

Yes.

That's true.

But if I come here, I can show the women of Gilbert Hall

that I'm a man who's not afraid to do my own laundry.

Dwayne, my detergent!

- I'm sorry, I forgot-- - Out! Out!

Yes, ma'am.

Here it is in print, my article!

- All right, let's see it. - Mm-hmm.

Let's see, "Dorm Rules: Necessity, Nuisance, Or Nonsense?"

That's my title.

- "By Maggie Lauten." - That's my name.

"Reaction to the question, 'What do you think of the dorm rules?'

ranged from the apathetic to the enthusiastic."

Go ahead, Mags.

"Men, on the whole, voiced strong objections to the curfew."

"A resident of Matthews Hall

urged the school to 'dog the rules now.'"

Dwayne Wayne, right?

I cannot reveal my source.

- Oh, come on, Maggie. - No.

Oh, hey, girls.

I just signed up for my calculus tutor. He's coming over tonight.

That's great. Now maybe at Thanksgiving,

they'll strangle the turkey instead of you.

Denise, look,

my article, my title, my by-line.

- Wow! Congratulations, Maggie. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Get this.

"Sophomore, Whitley Gilbert, of Gilbert Hall said�

�'Anything a lady can do after midnight,

"'she can do before midnight.

But I never ever do anything, anywhere, with anybody.'"

I didn't write that.

What? Let me see this.

- Gotcha! - Oh, Jaleesa!

I'm here.

I'm a little bit late, but I'll make it up to you.

Do not sit down, Dwayne. Don't sit down. My tutor's coming.

Denise, have no fear, King Calculus is here.

Dwayne, this time, you've just gone too far.

What are you talking about?

What are you up to? Where is my tutor?

Denise, what kind of guy do you think I am?

Come on, you're the type of guy

that would tell the freshman class of girls

you've been appointed their personal tour guide.

I did that. Okay, I did that.

And it was fun-- It was wrong.

But you got to believe me, I am your tutor.

Ask me any question. Any question.

Okay.

"What is a hyperbola?"

Hyper�

Oh, Denise, you slay me.

Hyperbola.

The set of all points in a plane

the difference of whose distances from two fixed points, the foci,

is a positive constant.

Okay, so you know that. So what?

Denise, I'm deeply wounded by your cynicism.

My credentials.

"Dwayne Wayne, Math Department. Tutoring hours"?

Okay, let's hit it. Come on. One-to-one functions. Let's go.

Dwayne, you really are a math tutor.

Denise, I'm surprised at you.

I wish you women would

just look beyond my body,

to my mind.

Come on.

Night-night.

If I knew it, I would say it.

- Think. - Okay.

- We've done this before. - All right. Function� Function f�

What? X equals what? Help me!

Uh, X�

plus�

Okay. X plus 2Y to the second power.

All right, you win the toaster oven.

And, now, for the definition of a one-to-one function�

Denise Huxtable?

For every girl X in dorm X,

there's a corresponding and distinct boy Y in dorm Y

to take to function f.

- Yes, baby! - Fine! Yeah! Fine! Yeah!

Where are we?

Dwayne,

I misjudged you. You really do have a good mind.

- Really? - Yeah.

Check out the body then.

Dwayne, is this right? Is your watch right?

I paid $29 for this watch.

It's 1:30.

We've missed curfew. Dwayne, you're locked in the dorm!

Well, I could think of worse things.

This is not funny, Dwayne.

I am this close to academic probation. Okay?

If we get caught, they're gonna call my parents. I can get suspended.

Denise, relax. You are looking at "The Hillman Houdini."

I will disappear without a trace.

Just show me to a fire escape.

Fire escape. Great idea.

There's one right outside-- Oh!

One outside Whitley's room!

Whitley? Whoa!

Not the kid. Nuh-uh. Nah.

Well, it was a good idea.

No, wait. No, wait. No, wait.

I can do this. No, I can do this. I can do this.

Dwayne Wayne will never stand by and leave a damsel in distress,

in distress.

Well, she does go to sleep by 11:00.

You know what? She won't even hear you. She listens to these weird tapes at night.

Hey, she wears a sleep mask, too.

- So, relax. - Okay.

It won't be the first time I've left a woman's room

without her noticing.

Come on.

Daddy.

Pass the sun block, please.

Daddy! Daddy!

Haul in the jib!

We're capsizing.

Daddy! Daddy!

I told you to take the powerboat!

You see, I'm really into ornithology.

You know, bird watching?

And I was walking past here,

just walking past here on my way back from the library.

I looked up in the tree, I saw a wild cockatoo.

Now you know that happens once, maybe twice, in a bird watcher's life.

Cockatoos dwell in Australia. You got to do better.

Yeah, that's my point.

The bird had come all the way from Australia.

I just had to climb up to the roof to see him.

Thank goodness.

You believe me, don't you?

Good evening. Came as soon as you called me.

Sorry to disturb your sleep.

Hey, anything for a fellow RD.

I found this outside my window.

Hey, Walter, how's it going?

Fine.

So, sleepwalking again, Dwayne?

Sleep climbing

out of Whitley Gilbert's bedroom window.

Say what?

He was climbing out of Whitley Gilbert's room.

Well, we've got a lot to talk about, Dwayne.

I'll just escort you back to the dorm.

Walter, I was looking at this Australian cockatoo that was on the roof--

I'm sure he's very sorry, Stevie.

Not as sorry as he's gonna be after the hearing tomorrow night.

Seven o'clock sharp.

Hey, seven o'clock? We're there on time.

We'll even use the door.

Well, it's always a pleasure.

Why, Stevie, this is a surprise.

Dwayne Wayne was in my room just now.

Really?

And you received him like that?

I wasn't expecting him.

He landed outside my window after climbing out of yours.

I wanna know. What was he doing here?

Stevie,

I know you're under a lot of pressure,

and it's understandable why a woman such as yourself

would be tempted to imbibe from time to time.

The fact is, this is the only room he could have come from.

You're awake, and your window is wide open.

Stevie, do let's be reasonable.

Do you honestly believe I'd let that buzzard into my boudoir?

It's strange, but I've seen stranger in my time.

No doubt you have, being a divorcee.

But I dare you to find anybody at Hillman,

in Virginia, or indeed, this entire free world,

who could claim to have breached my fortress.

And I refuse to stand here,

and let my virtue be insulted in the middle of the night.

Okay, how about seven o'clock tomorrow night, my apartment?

And you can leave that attitude back in your boudoir.

It's shocking.

The public face versus the private life.

This is the same woman who told the press,

"Anyone who feels the need to leave their room after midnight

isn't worthy of attending Hillman."

She doesn't have to leave her room.

I guess not when you're getting room service.

- I'm not going to touch that. - Okay.

- Hey, girls. - Hey, how you doing?

Great news.

- We've already heard. - Yeah.

What, you heard I got a B-plus in my Calculus test?

- No! Congratulations. - Yes!

- That's almost as good as our news. - What?

Stevie caught Dwayne climbing out of Whitley's room last night.

I don't believe this is happening.

Oh, come on, Denise, we always knew the girl had strange taste.

Stevie's called a hearing tonight.

And, guess what, the dorm monitor has to be there.

Can't wait to throw the book right in Miss Magnolia's face.

After you've listened to both sides fairly, of course.

Yeah.

All right.

The Gilbert Hall acrobat, huh?

I knew it could be done.

Guys, guys, no details, please.

Dwayne does look just a little bit more relaxed than usual.

? Skeletons in your closet ?

? Itchin' to come outside ?

Hey, Whitley, leave your window open for me tonight.

? Messin' with your conscience ?

Denise, you really don't--

? In a way your face can't hide� ?

Hi, Denise. You having lunch?

I hear the special today is the tuna melt. I'm�

I'm going to have it.

Whitley. Um�

I know that you're�

no passion flower.

I mean�

Look, I know you didn't do it.

I know you wouldn't let Dwayne climb your fire escape.

Ladies� Ladies� Ladies�

My ears are burning. What's the word?

If you were any kind of a gentleman, you would clear my name.

Wait a minute, you think you're the only one suffering here?

I'm a private kinda guy, you know.

And I went walking and, everywhere I went, people were calling my name�

Dwayne� Dwayne�

Dwayne, tell the truth!

You know full well you were never in my room.

Well, I can't tell a lie, Whitley. I was in your room.

Oh.

Dwayne, are you okay? I can't let you do this.

Denise, are you serious? You could get suspended.

Besides, I mean,

it's not the first time a woman's ever slapped me.

I take a licking, I keep on ticking.

Seven o'clock. Just think�

Even now, the accused lovers, Dwayne Wayne and Whitley Gilbert

face the bench.

Aren't you sick of this by now?

Doesn't anyone have anything better to talk about?

No.

Has anyone considered that just maybe nothing happened?

That maybe Dwayne was just

passing through on his way from someplace else,

where he just happened to be helping somebody

do something they really needed to do?

A lot of people's saying Dwayne was helping Whitley

do something she really needed to do.

Where is Whitley? Whatever happened to punctuality?

Please excuse my tardiness.

I had to donate some clothes to Goodwill.

Doing a lot of charity work lately, hmm.

Jaleesa, we're here to listen objectively

to Whitley and Dwayne,

then decide whether they should go before the dean.

Whitley.

Every individual has a tragic flaw.

Mine is the ability to sleep through anything.

If it hadn't been for Mr. Sandman weaving his magical spells,

I would not be here tonight,

my reputation being tossed around

like a blouse at a bargain basement sale.

I am no floozy.

You can ask the Kappas, the Alphas,

the Sigmas, and the Omegas.

I can only say to you,

my judges,

let she who is without sin cast me before the dean

like a stone.

Thank you, Whitley.

Dwayne.

Oh, um�

Um� As a gentleman

and a scholar�

�all I can say is,

I was in Whitley's room, but I was just passing through

on my way back from the library.

That's all I was doing.

Look, I'll speak for Dwayne.

Now, Stevie, we know the boy is not bright.

But�

we know there's no way he did

what it looks like he was doing in Whitley's room.

Objection. Objection.

Obviously, I'm not going to get the truth out of you two.

Maybe the dean will.

Denise, you're interrupting a very important hearing.

- This does not concern you. - Yes, it does.

Um�

Stevie,

I have a confession to make.

Don't listen to her. The girl has been working too hard.

Dwayne.

Stevie, um�

Dwayne was with me, not Whitley.

My, what strange passions lurk in the hearts of city girls.

Um�

Whitley, he was tutoring me in Calculus. Okay?

Wait.

Dwayne Wayne was your calculus tutor?

Yeah. I got a B-plus.

Like I was about to say,

my man had a legitimate reason to be here.

Yeah, we were just studying, and, before we knew it, we had missed curfew.

So, he took the easy way out through Whitley's room?

- Yeah. - Well�

May I leave now?

Whitley, I am so sorry you had to go through this.

I'm sorry we all had to go through this.

Oh, that's all right.

Just because I got dragged through the mire,

humiliated, treated like a leper of old

doesn't mean I hold a grudge.

Very generous of you to see it like that.

A public apology in the school paper will suffice.

Denise, I thought your apology was good.

Especially the part where you say you're sorry

for making Whitley feel like a leper of old.

But I think Dwayne really outdoes himself when he claims

that you begged him to stay for as long as it took

to unravel the mysteries of calculus.

He is unraveling the mysteries of calculus. I'm doing a lot better.

Aren't you a little concerned that other people might think

he's trying to unravel some of your other mysteries?

No, I'm aware. I just make sure he only tutors me in a public place.

Like where?

Like the football stadium during half time.

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