All language subtitles for Spitting Image s01e05.eng

Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.
This is lovely.

In honour of getting myself
back into the swing of things,

the producers of Spitting Image
have sent me this gift.

OK, "Sit down," it says.

"Take off the lid," it says,

"and put your face
right down into the..."

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

Hey, everybody.
Thanks for coming out to my rally.

You're beautiful, I love you,
we're gonna have fun.

Melania is here, Ivanka,

and that dynamo of energy
and excitement,

Jared Kushner!

WHEELS RATTLE

J-Man!

Show us those dance moves.
Give me a Y...

M...

C...

Easy, don't drive the crowd crazy.

And my biggest fan,
he's at every Trump rally, Coroney!

Catch me if you can!

Wa-hey!
CHEERING

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

Vote for me, I'm the funnest
president since Lincoln.

CHEERING

It's All Hallows' Eve,
spookius maximus.

The perfect night for a seance

to summon the ghost
of Winston Churchill.

He'll tell us how to
get out of this quagmire

we governed ourselves into.

The witches brew is almost ready.

In goes eye of puppy,
other eye of puppy,

rest of puppy.

All right, join hands.

Oh, mightiest Tory leader,
Torius imperator,

come unto us and impart your wisdom

because we haven't got
a bastard clue.

HE MUMBLES

Never surrender... Darkest hour...

THUNDER BOOMS

THATCHER'S VOICE: No, no, no.

You turn if you want to.

OMG, it's Margaret Thatcher!
My hero!

I'm quivering in fear.

I'm just tucking my shirt
into my trousers.

Why have you summoned me,
you snivelling weaklings?

We're having some trouble
with the North.

Abolish it!

Maybe we can suggest that
to the mayors

during the next round
of negotiations.

You're negotiating
with northerners?!

Oh, you cretinous wets!

This is so hot. If I had a pulse,
it would be racing.

I want to kiss her, him, it.

SHE KISSES AND MOANS

Lips so sausagey.

What shall we do about
hungry school kids?

Take away their milk, snatch it!

We've already taken away
their meals.

Never take everything away.

Make them feel grateful
for what little they get.

OK. About the EU,
now that we've left it...

You left it? My God,
what are you going to do next?

Catch immigrants with nets?

Erm...

I was the Iron Lady,
not the Stupid Twat.

That does it, I'm coming back,
taking over,

and reshuffling you all into hell.

THUNDER CLAPS

MENACING LAUGHTER

How do we get rid of her?

It says here our only option
is an immediate blood sacrifice.

ALL: Hancock.

And it should be a virgin.

ALL: Hancock.

HE RATTLES DOOR

Do I get a sticker for being brave?

Argh...

Another bloody U-turn!

BORIS MUTTERS

What happened? What did Winston say?

He said to kill Hancock.

Ah, now that's leadership. Pint?

THUNDER BOOMS

Mike, a lot of people are saying
voter fraud is a big, big problem.

Mainly stupid people.
Mainly Republicans, exactly.

I want an election
that is free and fair.

So I'm going to personally check
all the mail-in ballots.

And destroy the fraudulent ones?

Yes, the fraudulent ones
that voted for Democrats.

That's definitely one of your best
and only ideas.

But the Post Office will never
let us tamper with the mail.

Not a problem. I just appointed
a new Postmaster General.

Send in the kid!

WHEELS RATTLE

Jared, put it there.

Great to see you, Jared.

So, Mr Postmaster,
you mind if I borrow your keys?

He didn't say no and even if he did,
that's also a yes.

OK, let's go steal some mail.

But what if someone sees us?
Don't worry.

I bought some Halloween masks
as a disguise.

Gangs of hoodlums, people petrified
in their own homes,

the country's falling apart,
Aneurin.

If only I was in a position
to do something.

You are the leader
of the Labour Party.

Exactly. Powerless.

I have no choice,
I shall become a masked hero,

a bringer of vigilante justice.

But what dark creature of the night
shall I choose as my symbol?

BANGING AND SQUEALING

HOWLING

That's it, the fox.

The garbage-eating pest that strikes
fear into the heart of every Tory.

SQUEALING

I'd better check with the NEC
that foxes are kosher.

Any crooked ballots?
None yet.

But we've only checked
the first 20 million.

A-ha! Found something.
Voter fraud?

No, a birthday card some old bat
sent to her six-year-old grandson.

20 bucks! Paydirt!

Here's an anomaly, sir.

The signature on this ballot
doesn't match the name.

Out of my way, let me see that.

That fish-hooky symbol doesn't match
the flaggy-looking thing.

That's a letter J and a letter P.

So they're using letters
to represent words?

Must be a secret code.
It's English.

Send this to the FBI crime lab
and find out who mailed it.

No-one steals an election from me,
you got that?

I'm President, I do the stealing.

Joe, old chum, buddy.

The whole thing with me and Trump,
just a phase.

Our real special relationship
has always been with you...

ever since I saw the latest polls.

I appreciate that, man.

Hey, love the accent.
Where are you from? Pittsburgh?

Listen, I'd love
to talk about trade.

Well, what you got? Comic books?
Baseball cards?

No, but we've got one thing
America can't live without.

It's me, babes.

Woah-ooh, woah-ooh. #

Mental, innit? Ha-ha!

Wait, are you Borat?

It's Prosecco o'clock.

Woo-hoo. #

Give me the purse
or I'll kick out your Invisaligns.

Piss off!

THEY GASP
This party is over.

I am Fox Man and I am here
to clean up these streets.

Masked vigilante, hey?

I'm not afraid of you.
Nor should you be.

I'm here to find
a pragmatic solution

which brings all sides together
around a shared outcome.

A shared outcome?
He's trying to kill me.

I understand the strength of feeling
on this issue.

Which is why I'm proposing
a royal commission...

It's time to skin the fox.

Do you have a super-weapon?

No, it's something
far more powerful,

The Crime And Courts Act 2013.

It gives judges at Crown, District
and Magistrate level

the power to defer sentencing

in lieu of restorative justice.
SNORING

He's asleep.
You're a genius, Badger Lad.

It's Fox Man.
Yeah, whatever.

My fellow Americans,
it is my sad duty

to report some very disturbing
voter fraud.

This ballot was illegally cast
by a foreigner

seeking to interfere
in our elections.

The FBI has obtained
security videotape

of this foreign individual
which I will now play.

Whatever you say, Mr Trump.

I think that's the wrong video,
Mr President.

All right,
but this is the good part.

TV SMASHES
Now what do we watch, genius?

Actually, we caught the foreigner in
question last night in California.

Bring him in.

Prince Harry?
You're the illegal foreign voter?

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE

I just wanted to be
part of the process.

I feel so grateful
to live in America

where everyone gets to vote,

instead of being lorded over
by a wank like my brother.

They do vote in England too.

Really? I'm gobsmacked.
I guess I missed that in school.

According to this,
he voted for you, Donald.

What?
Your name was first on the list.

I thought that's how it worked.

We can't throw out that ballot, sir.
We need every vote.

No problem. Harry,
I hereby declare you a US citizen

if you can answer
this one simple question.

How many states are there
in the Union?

50.
Wrong. Damn it!

Jared, send this loser back home.

To England?
No, California.

I want you to suffer.

HE WHIMPERS

Safely back in the fox hole.

The future looks bright for Fox Man.

And I, Aneurin,
your faithful butler,

will be right there with you.

Only if approved
by the Butler Union,

pursuant to overtime limits
under the Working Time Directive.

SNORING

What can you tell us about this
mysterious vigilante?

Well, he was wearing a dead badger
or something.

It smelled of rotting flesh.

What a shame,

Fox Man is just another pervert
with a dead animal fetish.

More media smears.
Oh, God, am I turning into Corbyn?

TINKLING BELLS

Daddy, why did Christmas
come early this year?

Because there's a magic man
who wants everybody to love him.

And is he truly handsome and
does he wear a lovely, blue suit?

Yes, darling, he's Rishi Sunak
and he lives at the Treasury,

so he gives the best gift of all -
money.

If anyone ever says he isn't real,
tell 'em this.

You better not gripe
You better not moan

He's got virus grants
And emergency loans

Rishi Sunak's helping us all

I've got a nice smile
And dark, shiny hair

I throw around cash
So you know that I care

Rishi Sunak's helping us all

He knows your job is threatened

Your bills keep you awake

But Rishi's borrowed billions

Have some cash, for goodness sake

I crossed all the T's
I dotted the I's

I wasted it all
On shit health supplies

Rishi Sunak's helping us all

He helped to bail the Arts out
Though he left it rather late

I said "Delay your tax bill"

I'll go broke at a later date

We all went on furlough

Rishi made the landing soft

But only till October ends

And then you're all laid off

He's borrowed it all
We're deep in arrears

The recession that's coming
Will last 80 years

Rishi Sunak's helping us all

You'll be left with nothing... #

Give me that.

..at all. #

Now do you believe?
Here's your present, little girl.

Something expensive that will last
for years and years.

You mean...? Yes, it's the tax bill
for all of this. Good luck, bye.

HE EATS NOISILY

Now, look, Marcus Rashford
is hauling us over the coals

about free school meals.

The thing to do is meet with him
face-to-face

and lay out our thoughts
and concerns

in a calm, sensible manner.

We kept all the pies
The pizzas and the fries

Marcus Rashford, do-good bastard
We kept all the pies. #

CROWD BOO

Hello, Elon.

Planning another diatribe
about how Amazon is a monopoly.

Or just gonna go,
"Wah, wah, short sellers"?

Your lame jabs cannot hurt me,
Bezos.

By November 3rd, I'll be on Mars.

I'm leaving before the inevitable
final catastrophe.

What about your
songbird wife Grimes?

She's at home working on music
to power our new civilisation.

Mars, Grimes on Mars

Red planet. #

I won't be taking her.
Musketeer, how are they swinging?

In unison, if you must know.

Push off, Branson,
we're discussing space travel.

Nothing that concerns you.

Virgin Galactic
pioneered commercial space travel.

A three-minute view
from low-Earth orbit

for a mere quarter million dollars.

WE are trying to get to Mars.

We? Hang on.

Since when do you have
a Mars programme?

I'm Amazon.
I can order anything I want for me.

Did I mention we offer snack service
like space corn?

Imagine gnawing it right off the cob
in zero G.

Then the race to Mars is on.

You versus me.

No, you versus ME.

And also me.
Branson makes three.

A toast to seal the wager. Gents?

Oh, we chaps have fun.

What is this thing?
It has a pleasant snap.

Like crushing an enemy's exoskeleton
beneath one's talon.

It's a poppadom.

You must have been to
a curry house before, Dominic?

Of course, there are many
curry houses on my home planet.

I mean my home town,
which is Epsilon-5.

I mean Durham.

Look, I'm making a move on Boris
and I want you on my team.

Yes. He is weak
and he won't let me eat his baby.

Exactly. You see,
we're a lot alike, you and I.

I'm from a humble fishing village,
you're an alien from Epsilon-5.

How did you know I'm an alien
from Epsilon-5?

I didn't until now.
Very clever.

We are alike. Zero empathy,
a total lack of moral core.

What dark and inhuman corner
of the galaxy are you from?

Scotland.
Plausible.

I am glad we are allies.

Me too. Try the curry.

Argh!

It contains turmeric,
a deadly poison to my race.

I suspected as much.

Sorry, old boy,
but only one can rule, you know.

Utterly despicable.

So you are Scottish!

HE GURGLES

Mr Zuckerberg, we believe Facebook
is being used by Russia

to disseminate misinformation.

I am shocked and surprised
to hear such an allegation.

Where did you say, Russia?
With an R?

Extremely divisive material is
constantly blasted on your platform

by what are called "troll farms".

This is the first time I've heard
even a hint of such things.

But I assure you I will personally
investigate this matter.

Although I very much doubt the
existence of these "troll farms".

The western inspector is here

to make sure we are legitimate
Facebook clients.

Change screens now!
I want to see kittens and puppies.

Kittens and puppies!

Mr Zuckerberg, welcome.

We are all biggest fans
of your book of faces.

That lines up with our data.

We traced a lot of messages
to this place,

so I came to make sure
everything is on the level.

Now, who is "Auntie Svetlana
who loves knitting"?

It is I.
Auntie, I love your knitting site

but could you maybe tone down
the rampant racism?

We'll try.

Great. And which one of you is

"14-year-old Timmy Johnson
from Sioux Falls"?

Is also me.

I hate to be sceptical,
but it's my job.

Aren't you kind of old and female
to be a 14-year-old boy?

Wow! And I thought we of America

is celebrating gender
and age fluidity.

We of America?

These are all red-blooded,
apple beet pie lovers

from the US and also A.

But what are you all doing out here

in the Anadyrsky District
of Chukotka Autonomous Okrug?

Is good Wi-Fi.

Well, I've done all that
could possibly be expected

to ensure the integrity of Facebook.

And now off to China

to check out Alabama Joe's
Spoonbread Cotillion.

HE HUMS

You?!

That's right, Govey.

But I thought that... You had safely
dumped me in the kitchen trash.

It turns out that
rancid frier grease

is the perfect antidote to turmeric.

And it's good for the joints.

You have made yourself
a powerful enemy.

Plus, you have to get the bill.

No!

In the week of Brexit,
we will no longer be asking you

to maintain
a distance of two metres.

Instead, we shall use a more
traditional British measurement,

the furlong.

So, from now on, please stay one
one-hundredth of a furlong apart.

Strong, furlong,
hopefully not for long.

How big's a furlong?
Ah, yes, to help with that,

we are bringing back another
great British tradition, the ruff.

Stay one ruff apart
and you'll be fine.

Ruff, tough,
hope to God it's enough.

The rockets are fuelled up
and the countdown has begun

for the Mars mission of Elon Musk,
Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson.

The world reacts as three
billionaires leave the planet

perhaps never to return.

CHEERING

OK, mission control,
all systems are go.

KNOCKING

Be safe, my dear, I know it's hard,

but here's a keepsake
so you'll never forget me.

Mars, Grimes on Mars

Red planet. #

Thank you, my dear.

I'm no longer afraid of death.

You're too late, Elon.
As an Amazon Prime subscriber,

I get expedited launches.

Stupid algorithm.

Although I am out.
Eat it, Bezos.

After millions of man hours, I've
developed an abbreviated countdown.

Who did that? Fire that guy!

'Lift-off.'

'Lift-off.'
I'm off.

Alexa, make me
my launch-day lemonade.

Too late, gentlemen,
I'm already on my way

with a tried and true solution.

'Branson, you dingbat.

'A balloon can't travel
through space.'

I can still go higher
than my space plane.

Oh, man, I'm getting spacesick.

Only one solution.

'Atmosphere contamination detected.

'Engage filtration.'

HE INHALES

Go get it, kitty.

CAT SQUEALS

Damn it, the ship's too heavy
for some reason.

Mars, Grimes on Mars

Red planet. #

HISSING AND GROWLING

Now, now, it's not that bad.

There, you're done.

SNUFFLING

Careful, I'm pumicing my corns.

It takes total concentration.

What do you do with
all those foot flakes?

I sell to company that make
White House snow globes.

So proud of you.
We're the world's greatest family.

Everybody's saying it.

Ready for bed, darling?

Just gotta remove my makeup.

All right, got my bed burger.

Let's hit the sack. Mwah.

So, whatever happens to those
billionaire idiots heading for Mars?

You can go and watch part two
of this episode online right now.

I'm not gonna pay good money
to watch some stupid puppets.

Although my puppet is the greatest
and I love it.

I'm gonna send 200 misspelled tweets
about how dumb that is.

No, can't someone else do it?
But who?

Who could really capture
my style and swagger?

Got it!
Oh, no!

Not that asshole.

HE FARTS AND STRAINS

SQUELCHING

HE STRAINS

SQUELCHING
Now what is it doing?

Jesus Christ.

The asshole subscribed to BritBox!

Subtitles by ITV SignPost

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0