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1
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,320
HE HUMS
2
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:23,519
Argh!
That's for ruining Cats.
3
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:27,480
All alone in the moonlight.
4
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:30,119
Hello, I'm Prince William.
5
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,199
Last week,
I created the Earthshot Prize,
6
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,159
a way of really trying
to sort out the environment,
7
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,119
which I own so much of.
8
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:42,039
If we don't act now to preserve
our ancient countryside heritage,
9
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,439
how will our children be able
10
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,280
to enjoy the environment
the way we did?
11
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,919
Like shooting grouse.
12
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,639
CHILDREN GIGGLE
That's it, kids, fire at will!
13
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,679
CHILDREN CHEER
14
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,399
If we all work together,
we can make a difference.
15
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,559
CHILDREN CHEER AND LAUGH
16
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,799
Stupid Twitter Corporation.
17
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,439
They've got a problem
with my Tweets.
18
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,199
"Stick to the truth," they say.
19
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,559
I thought I made
sticking to the truth illegal.
20
00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,639
Big deal. What are they going to do?
21
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,959
Now the Twitter app
fact-checks me instantaneously
22
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,359
and zaps me if I lie.
23
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,239
I never lie.
BUZZING
24
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,839
The economy is working great
for everybody. Send.
25
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,079
BUZZING
26
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,199
My re-election odds are excellent.
BUZZING
27
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,679
Trump Tower does not have
a 'roach problem. Send!
28
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:31,639
Argh!
29
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,119
Darling, your heart has stopped.
30
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,599
You're dying.
31
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,159
Got... to send...
most important Tweet... ever.
32
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,079
Melania...
33
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,319
I love you.
BUZZING
34
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:47,159
There we go, heart restarted,
I'm in perfect physical shape.
35
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,359
I-I should Tweet that.
BUZZING
36
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,039
Argh!
37
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:55,119
The Prime Minister
will see you shortly.
38
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,319
GURGLING
39
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,559
All right, the plan is
to meet the coronavirus,
40
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,079
tackle the problem head-on.
41
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,319
It's the worst thing for
the Tory Party since Tony Blair.
42
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,879
Yes, it's killed
almost as many people.
43
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,319
Besides, life's no fun any more.
44
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,359
All the zip-line parks are closed.
45
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,599
The answer is simple - deport it.
46
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,519
Karate chop it. Hi-yah!
47
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:17,759
Stab it in the back.
48
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,399
No, I'm going to face the virus down
49
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,319
like Churchill versus the Nazis.
50
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,479
I'm going to buy it off
with a seat in the House Of Lords.
51
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,079
Oh, the virus will love that.
52
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,919
It's warm, damp
and full of old people.
53
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:34,039
One note of caution - make sure
the virus is pro fox-hunting,
54
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,879
or the party will go mad.
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
55
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,839
The fans are livid we've fired
our mascot, Gunnersaurus.
56
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,519
We need a replacement fast.
57
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,639
What is it that people like
about Gunnersaurus?
58
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,959
I don't know. He's a lumbering,
tiny-brained monster
59
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,519
that winds up the crowd
and will do anything for attention.
60
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,439
I've got the replacement right here.
61
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,640
Hello, snowflakes. Roar!
62
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,759
Right, let's talk turkey.
63
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,559
But I must remind you,
I'm not led, I lead.
64
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,999
Non ducor duck.
65
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,119
I think you mean "non ducor duco".
66
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,279
Unless you wanted to say,
"I'm not led, I'm a duck."
67
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:15,159
What? I had no idea you were
so smart and sophisticated.
68
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,839
And you're female?
69
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:22,479
I reproduce through asexual
parasitic DNA replication.
70
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:23,839
VIRUS SLURPS
Close enough.
71
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,719
I'm feeling a real connection
between us.
72
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,639
BORIS YAWNS
Look, it's been a long day,
73
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:33,319
maybe we should go somewhere
more... comfortable.
74
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,759
Ooh, maybe we should.
75
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,560
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
76
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,199
So, uh...
tell me all about yourself.
77
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,199
Well, I've got
a phospholipid envelope
78
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,759
which encloses protein binders.
79
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:52,479
God, you're sexy.
80
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:55,879
Let's hear something
to get us in the mood.
81
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,599
'You turn if you want to.
82
00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,599
'The lady's not for turning.'
Maybe just quiet time.
83
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:02,999
Whatever, darling.
84
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,839
It doesn't bother you
that you're not my first?
85
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,359
Well, I find it
an oddly weird turn-on
86
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,879
that you've already been inside
several million men.
87
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,359
Ooh, that's good, baby.
88
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,759
Oh! Not that one.
89
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,319
Right, avoid spike 17.
90
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,559
I'm going to remember that.
91
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,879
So you're sure you wanna do this?
92
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,520
I don't see any downside.
93
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,880
SQUELCHING
94
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,439
Not my child, looks nothing like me.
95
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,840
MUMBLES LIKE BORIS
96
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,119
And you are?
97
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,439
Idris Elba.
98
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:51,319
I've been told by the fucking
government I have to retrain.
99
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,239
Rethink, reskill, reboot, Rishi.
100
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,319
Rishi came up with that.
101
00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,599
No problem. I can do anything -
act, produce, write, direct,
102
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,319
smoulder.
103
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,039
Oh, Idris!
104
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,560
HE GIGGLES
105
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,360
PANTING
106
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:15,839
Yah, listen to me. After COVID,
all of those skills are useless.
107
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:19,439
I can kickbox, rap, DJ,
advertise Sky TV...
108
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,799
Er, thing is, all of those skills
109
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,599
were useless before COVID,
my friend.
110
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,999
BOND THEME RINGTONE
111
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,479
I've got to check this.
Could be about James Bond.
112
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,759
Ah-ha.
113
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,079
Yeah.
114
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,479
Ah-ha.
115
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:32,999
Course I want it.
116
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,439
But extra pepperoni
and no garlic bread.
117
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,599
That was the missus calling
about dinner.
118
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,439
Oh, yeah,
Pizza Hole's Monday Madness.
119
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,919
Rishi came up with that too.
120
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,439
Are you gonna retrain me
for a new job or what?
121
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:47,879
Hm, I'll just enter your job history
into the computer here.
122
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:52,439
So we've got detective, cat,
guardian of the bridge of time,
123
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,919
and the answer is... care worker.
124
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,399
Hang on, bruv,
the computer ain't even turned on.
125
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,600
Rishi knows.
126
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,840
'Ere, you, this tea's cold.
127
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,199
SHE SIMPERS
Oh, it's lovely.
128
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,640
SHE GIGGLES
129
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:18,239
Took us a while,
but we're finally moved in.
130
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,119
Won't need these any more.
131
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,239
Can crowns go in the recycling bin?
132
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,399
Toss them on the Goodwill pile.
Out with the old.
133
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,839
In California,
we're just a regular couple
134
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,919
living close to Oprah
and far from the paparazzi.
135
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,599
Ooh. But not too far.
CAMERAS CLICK
136
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:38,519
The best thing is,
no more following Granny's rules.
137
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,599
"Don't wear your pants on your head,
Harry."
138
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,439
"Don't barf on the butler, Harry."
139
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,239
If I want to play polo
in my living room,
140
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,400
who's gonna stop me?
141
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,479
Stop that!
Right away, Megs.
142
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,599
Guys, we're calling for
a total national lockdown,
143
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,879
a clear difference
between us and the Tories,
144
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,999
but you're my Shadow Cabinet,
I need you to help me sell it.
145
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,399
Keir?
Yes, Anneliese?
146
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,079
I need to go to the toilet.
147
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,559
Well, can't you go on your own?
You're the Shadow Chancellor.
148
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,439
I'm frightened.
I can't take you now.
149
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,759
I've got Prime Minister's Questions
in a minute.
150
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:15,919
Um, Keir, one of the big boys
stole my sandwiches.
151
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,039
John, you're Shadow Secretary
for Defence,
152
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,599
this shouldn't keep happening.
153
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,039
My mummy made them.
154
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,479
And you should be making
your own sandwiches now.
155
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,239
Erm...
Yes, Nick?
156
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,399
This better be something
to do with the Home Office.
157
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,319
I've drawn a picture of my doggy.
And it's very good.
158
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,359
But I need some quotes from SAGE
about the circuit-breaker.
159
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:34,759
Can't you do it?
160
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,559
No, I always do it.
161
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,079
Look, you guys
are gonna have to step up
162
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,799
and start taking
some responsibility.
163
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,119
NICK CRIES
Don't cry.
164
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,399
What is it now, Anneliese?
165
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,679
I've wet my pants.
SHE SOBS
166
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,920
THEY ALL CRY
167
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,440
HARRY CHUCKLES
168
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,719
Knock, knock, anybody home?
169
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,279
I'm your next-door neighbour,
LeBron.
170
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,719
Welcome to the cul-de-sac.
171
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,679
Baked you a cake.
Thanks, mate.
172
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,399
Can I offer you something?
173
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,119
Garbage crown?
I'm good.
174
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,239
I just wanna say,
in the cul-de-sac, we're like a team
175
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,439
and any good team follows the rules.
176
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,119
Rules?
Yeah.
177
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:17,159
Like the TEAM keeps the noise down
after 7.30 when I go to bed.
178
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,199
The TEAM keep their hedges trimmed
179
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,759
and the TEAM doesn't park
their big-ass Land Rover
180
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,039
in front of my driveway.
181
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,639
Sounds like the team
is all about you.
182
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:26,959
That is not true.
183
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,159
Just read the book,
184
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,639
then take the quiz,
then move your car
185
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,319
and put your trash cans away.
186
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,479
You're worse than my grandmum
with your rules.
187
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,119
Well, I'm done following orders.
188
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,439
If you've got a problem,
let's settle this the American way
189
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,759
on the polo field.
190
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,439
I'm not riding a fucking pony.
191
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,039
My feet drag on the ground.
192
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,319
Fine, you name the game.
193
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,199
Basketball.
Never heard of it.
194
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,159
Bucket soccer?
Oh!
195
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,599
You're on.
Best two chuckers out of three.
196
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,319
Whatever.
Just tidy up your hydrangeas.
197
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,999
Oh, by the way,
have you seen my polo ball?
198
00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,880
No, I have not.
199
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:06,959
Table for one, please.
200
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,799
But room for more. I'm sure
people will want to join me.
201
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,439
Oh, Ivanka Trump.
202
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,839
I'm sorry, we're all full up.
203
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,519
There's a table right by the window.
204
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,560
No, there isn't.
SNAPS FINGERS
205
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,199
GLASS SMASHES,
CAR HORNS BLARE
206
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,479
I get it. This is New York
where everyone hates my father,
207
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,959
and sure, like any good daughter,
I enable him,
208
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,399
but deep down inside,
I'm just a liberal New Yorker.
209
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,079
Just ask Spike Lee.
210
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,959
VOMITS LOUDLY
211
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,799
Oh, food poisoning.
Get better, Spike.
212
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,359
Oh, my gosh, there's Beyonce.
213
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,799
I know her from, like,
a million Kennedy Center Honors.
214
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,639
Is this seat taken?
215
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,560
Yes, there's hot soup on it.
216
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,999
Oh, people don't know
how funny you are,
217
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,879
but I do, because we're friends.
218
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,439
Squad goals!
219
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,599
Ms Trump, if you don't mind.
220
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,759
Look, I'll sit anywhere.
221
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,599
My father won't be President
much longer,
222
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,439
I've got to re-establish myself
223
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,639
among the New York
movers and shakers.
224
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,719
Well... we do have a small booth.
225
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,560
TOILET FLUSHES
226
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,679
How are you enjoying your booth?
I like the drawings.
227
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,480
Glass of champagne?
Yummers.
228
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,279
Leave through the kitchen
when you're done.
229
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,680
TOILET FLUSHES
230
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,559
I can't believe you got into a fight
with LeBron James.
231
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,919
He's a basketball superstar.
232
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,279
Have you tasted his ball cake?
It's good, I know.
233
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:39,279
But no-one bosses me around.
234
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,919
Getting tight with LeBron
would be huge for us.
235
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,199
He does movies, runs charities.
236
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,559
He could star in our first
big Netflix documentary.
237
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,359
I thought that was about how my mum
was exploited by the media.
238
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,479
Yes, the terrible, terrible media.
239
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,999
SHE CHUCKLES,
CAMERAS CLICK
240
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,319
You have to call off
this dumb challenge.
241
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,079
Megs, I can't back down.
242
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,759
I need to feel proud of myself
for once
243
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,199
by crushing my neighbour
at bucket soccer.
244
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,279
Oh, you're so sweet
when you're an idiot.
245
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,880
Besides, I've been practising.
246
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,839
Megs, what's
the basketball equivalent
247
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,960
of poisoning someone's pony?
248
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,919
Hi, everyone.
I hope you love TikTok like I do.
249
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,879
I especially love how
it has new links
250
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,639
to the Chinese Communist Party.
251
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,119
Sir, the Central Committee
is delighted
252
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,759
with the latest TikTok numbers.
253
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,119
Not now, Qian.
254
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:35,239
Some people say that TikTok is
a conspiracy to steal private data.
255
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,079
That's silly. TikTok is for fun.
256
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,639
So I am going to show you
a fun, new dance
257
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,239
called the Jinping Shuffle.
258
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,959
It's easy and everyone must do it.
259
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,319
I mean "should".
260
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,800
Hit the music, Qian.
261
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,599
Put your hand on your head
Just like that
262
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,039
Then lean to the side
And lean to the back
263
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,359
Get your face in tight
On your camera
264
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,839
And give us a close-up
Of each retina
265
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,519
Hit the floor with your pangolin
266
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,759
Then type in
All your bank card PINs
267
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,479
The Jinping Shuffle
Is all the rage
268
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,039
Shout out your name
Address and age
269
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:13,079
Xi Xi Jinping
270
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,199
The People's Republic Of China
271
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,200
67 and hot
272
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,519
The Jinping Shuffle
Should not be missed
273
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,160
So we'll send this link out
To your contact list.
274
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,039
And that's the Jinping Shuffle.
275
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,399
Make sure to like and follow
276
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,040
and don't worry,
I already follow you.
277
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,959
Pence, I'm gonna lose this election
unless I remind people
278
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,199
how great, really great, I am.
279
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:48,359
I need a big foreign policy win,
like when I took down Bin Laden.
280
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:49,879
That wasn't you, that was Obama.
281
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,999
I told you never
to say that name here.
282
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,079
Sic him. Take his eyes.
283
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,199
Argh!
284
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,679
GROWLING
285
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:59,199
Actually,
there's a dangerous situation
286
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,959
between India and China
here in the Himalayas.
287
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,319
It's a long-running border dispute
dating back to 1842
288
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,599
when the Indians held off
a Chinese invasion.
289
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,319
Boring! Show me the fun way.
290
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,999
HAIR GROWLS
291
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,879
We're China, we claim this land
as part of our empire.
292
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:20,279
No way, it's part of the Sikh empire
which will one day be part of India.
293
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,439
What do I look like,
a Wheel Of Fortune egg head?
294
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,359
Dumb it down.
295
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,319
Once upon a time,
high on a mountain,
296
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,679
there was a big hamburger.
How big?
297
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,439
50 square miles.
Jesus Christ!
298
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,719
I want the hamburger.
I want the hamburger.
299
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,279
I want the hamburger!
300
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,479
Exactly, sir, the problem is
there's only one hamburger.
301
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,599
That is a tough, tough situation.
302
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,599
Mike, this problem has touched me
deeply, very deeply.
303
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,839
In the spirit of friendship
and respect,
304
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,159
I vow to bring peace to these
two craptastic countries.
305
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,279
Excellent, sir, you're so decisive.
306
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:54,759
Now, get back to the briefing
307
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,279
and put some lady puppets in there,
hot ones.
308
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,239
Ha-ha! Ha, ha.
309
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,439
Hmm. Hmm.
Mm.
310
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,839
The bloody northerners
are whinging about lockdown again.
311
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,599
I thought that's why we built a
giant ice wall between us and them.
312
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,079
That's Game Of Thrones, sir.
313
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,759
Some of them are complaining
they're lockdowned too strictly
314
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,159
and the others are complaining
315
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,079
they're not lockdowned
strictly enough.
316
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:22,320
What if we treat each city
according to its individual needs?
317
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,039
I'll go and stand behind the plant.
318
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,759
You're from the north,
aren't you, Dom? Durham.
319
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,959
Yes, that's where my pod
was stranded...
320
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,759
I mean, where my parents are from.
321
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,119
And it's where you went
for your eye test that time.
322
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,839
Eye test, yes.
323
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,919
I certainly wasn't
moulting my exoskeleton.
324
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,479
Exoskeleton, eh?
Obviously you speak their language.
325
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,519
Why don't you take a trip up there,
see if you can sort them out.
326
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:49,319
Of course. But just in case
I don't speak their language,
327
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,599
or indeed know anything
about them at all,
328
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,199
allow me to learn what you know
with a quick mind-meld.
329
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,279
I mean, there's something
in your ear. Ah.
330
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,119
Zow, zow, zow.
331
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,119
I know the north.
332
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,919
Mayors of the great
northern dominions,
333
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,079
I am here to listen to your demands.
334
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,359
Why are you holding this meeting
in a pub?
335
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,559
According to my information,
this is your natural habitat.
336
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:17,639
Look, I bring your favourite
northern snacks,
337
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,799
tripe, black pudding
and knock-off cigarettes.
338
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,679
Mm, delicious.
339
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,239
Nom, nom, nom.
340
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,319
SQUELCHING
341
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,399
You haven't got a clue about us.
I mean, what planet are you from?
342
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,479
The planet Durham.
343
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,919
Look, we just want to be treated
with a bit of respect.
344
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,359
To make decisions
that make sense for us.
345
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,559
I see.
346
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,079
And to get drunk in massive crowds!
347
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,239
THEY CHEER
348
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:44,959
I have heard you. Fear not,
you have a voice in government.
349
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,279
Wow, I am feeling so much gratitude.
350
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,719
A few weeks ago, I took a big risk
and endorsed Joe Biden,
351
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,439
a candidate that most people
in America like,
352
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,839
and people liked me for it.
353
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,799
I set a record
for Instagram followers.
354
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,999
Life lesson -
always speak your truth.
355
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,319
You set a record
for an American man.
356
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,359
Ariana Grande and Cristiano Ronaldo
kick your butt.
357
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,399
Not now, Kevin.
I'm just speaking my truth.
358
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,679
The point of this video is
I'm grateful.
359
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,159
No, the point is,
buy my terrible tequila.
360
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,199
I'll be back in a second.
361
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,879
Nothing goes better with gratitude
362
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,559
than a glass
of my Whatamana tequila,
363
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,479
the tequila with the worm.
364
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:26,880
MUFFLED GARBLING
365
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,719
OK, Dom,
how do we handle the northerners?
366
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,679
EERIE VIBRATIONS
367
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,879
Annihilate them
and build the giant ice wall.
368
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:40,879
Infrastructure project, wonderful.
369
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,560
We'll put a garden on top of it.
370
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,879
SLURPING,
CHOMPING
371
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,800
Can't stop eating these.
372
00:16:55,720 --> 00:17:00,319
LeBron, I'm so happy
we're neighbours. I suppose.
373
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,759
Listen, Harry said he challenged you
to a friendly game of b-ball.
374
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,039
Don't call it that.
375
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,279
But the thing is, he's in
a real fragile space right now
376
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,199
so you think you could
go easy on him?
377
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,879
Like, let him win?
378
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,879
You want me to deliberately lose
a game of basketball?
379
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:21,199
Just hoping you could help me out,
be a team player.
380
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,519
Who said I'm not a team player?
381
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,239
Are you saying
I'm not a team player?
382
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,759
I'll lose this game if I want to.
383
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,880
I can miss a shot. Check this out.
384
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,559
I'll work on it.
385
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:37,719
Ah, another rainy October day
in old Brexity Britain.
386
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,240
Oh, I could really use
an island getaway. Me too.
387
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,600
CALYPSO MUSIC
388
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:50,000
Another Blonde Bombshell for you,
Prime Minister. Ooh.
389
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,679
HE SLURPS
390
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,320
Even for a fantasy,
seems a bit much.
391
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,839
ROCK MUSIC
392
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,799
Ah.
Miss Patel?
393
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,639
We refugees have been waiting
so long.
394
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,839
When do we go to Great Britain?
395
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,799
When you can name
every English monarch,
396
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,919
earn 30 million a year
397
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,679
and drink 15 pints of Stella
and still drive.
398
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,840
SHE CACKLES
399
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,519
He dodges, he weaves, he deceives.
400
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:30,479
Yeah, you've got mad skills.
OK, I concede the game. We done?
401
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,159
Oh, not until you've been schooled
right proper, you giant piss pot.
402
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,319
Now we're done.
403
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,319
POPPING
404
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,479
I'm in the net. Ten points for me!
405
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,999
DOOR CLICKS OPEN
406
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,599
DOOR SHUTS
407
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,879
Hey, Grimes.
Been working on your latest megahit?
408
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,399
No, I had our baby.
409
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,559
Oh, right, congratulations.
410
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,479
Are you going somewhere, honey?
411
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,319
I'm not sure how to break it to you,
Grimey,
412
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,999
but I'll put it as gently as I can.
413
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,119
I'm going to Mars forever, see ya!
414
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:03,399
Wait, Mars? Like, over by Jupiter?
415
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,639
I've always wanted to see that area.
It's more of a business trip.
416
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,719
I'm starting
a whole new civilisation.
417
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,279
And I'll be the songwriter
for that civilisation.
418
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,719
Just think, a whole planet
419
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,839
with nothing but my music
playing on and on and on...
420
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,239
Oh, Jesus.
421
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,959
Oh, I totally got an idea.
422
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,719
SINGING OFF KEY
Mars, Grimes on Mars
423
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,960
Red planet.
424
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,199
AUTOTUNE WHIRS
Mars, Grimes on Mars
425
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,319
Red Planet.
426
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,959
No, no, you need to stay here
to look after little XA12.
427
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,319
You mean our baby?
428
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,519
No, my prototype
self-driving submarine.
429
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,279
OK, darling, at least leave me
something to remember you by.
430
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,879
Like your money.
It's all yours, Grimey.
431
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,279
I've got five billion in Bitcoin.
The password is "one".
432
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,920
Red planet.
433
00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:01,479
Sir, about the China-India
border crisis in the Himalayas.
434
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,799
We need to send a top negotiator
with impeccable qualifications.
435
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,919
I've got just the family member.
436
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,159
Oh, no, not Jared. Anyone but Jared.
437
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,599
Send in Jared.
438
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,479
ROLLING WHEELS
439
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,719
Ivanka, sweetie, how are you doing?
440
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,720
J-Man! Put it there.
441
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,239
Kushy, I got a mission
only you can handle.
442
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,319
I'm sending you to the Himaloomoo
Mountains in Southeast Crapistan.
443
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,319
Himalayas, Indian subcontinent.
444
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,639
That's right, Jared, get in there.
Use your charm and personality,
445
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,559
that electricity we all feel
when you explode into the room.
446
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,439
Whoa, calm down!
447
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,199
Save that bashing
for the Himaloomoo hillbillies.
448
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,879
Jare Bear,
this could be great for our image.
449
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,199
Bringing peace to the world
would really impress
450
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,319
my liberal New York friends.
451
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,959
Please? Oh, thanks, Boo Boo.
452
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,639
We're in, Daddy.
Great.
453
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,039
You leave tomorrow
and learn the Chinese language,
454
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,239
whatever it's called.
455
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,920
Good boy. That's my whiz kid.
456
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,239
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, sweethearts!
457
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,519
CACKLES
458
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,599
That mug Rishi Sunak said musicians
should retrain for other jobs,
459
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:13,799
so I did.
460
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,400
I'm a car alarm.
461
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,039
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ha-ha-ha!
462
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,679
CRICKETS CHIRP, WATER SPLOSHES
463
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,639
Well, I played a great game
and LeBron did his best,
464
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,959
but I'm willing to call it a draw.
465
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,959
You can call it that
if I can call myself a movie star.
466
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,559
The main thing is
I stood up for myself
467
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,759
and earned the respect
of our new neighbour.
468
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,199
And new friend?
Get out of my hot tub.
469
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,719
SHE GIGGLES
470
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,639
CAMERA CLICKS
471
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,079
I'm David Attenborough,
sitting in my own garden.
472
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:52,959
By pure chance, a miracle of nature
is happening right in front of me.
473
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,839
A butterfly about to emerge
from chrysalis.
474
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,319
And thanks to Instagram,
I can share it with the...
475
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,399
BUZZING
476
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,999
Why is this thing buzzing
and flashing?
477
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,799
Did you remember
to charge your phone?
478
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,439
No, I fucking didn't remember to...
479
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,120
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